


Psycho Love

by LittleQueenie



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Assassins, Illumi, Illumi/Killua, Killya, M/M, Psychological, Shonen Ai, Shonen-ai, Shounen-ai, Yaoi, Zoldyck, chrollo, chrollo lucilfer, hunterxhunter - Freeform, hxh - Freeform, institution, lucilfer, psycho love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-23
Updated: 2014-08-17
Packaged: 2017-12-30 06:11:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 51
Words: 240,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1015060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleQueenie/pseuds/LittleQueenie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As the son of the rumored dangerous Zoldyck family, Killua messes up a mission and gets caught in attempted murder. Only instead of to prison, he's sent to an institution to assess his psychological health. It's here where he is put on the case of two strange, dubious psychologists that seem to have as many secrets as Killua himself has. (IllumixKillua AU)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_'Come here.' I gestured for the boy to step closer. Just a couple of seconds ago, he'd blatantly said he took a liking to me – I'd expected something more subtle than that. Even when I'd just stared at him for a while and told him he was being unreasonable because acting upon something like this would put my profession at risk, he'd still stood there with a determined look on his face. Where this certainty had come from was a mystery to me – I thought it had disappeared last weekend._

_This 14 year old boy is determined to play the upper hand on me. I need to make sure he doesn't get that._

_With all the confidence that he'd demanded for me to do this with him, he took careful steps towards me. I sat up and shuffled to the edge of the large chair and waited for him to get close enough. I never broke eye contact, and I could feel he was starting to get bashful under it again, even though he was doing a good job in hiding it. Moving this session to his house for one time had been a bad idea, and I should not have refused my supervisor to come along._

_For a while now, Killua has been trying to prepare himself for this - he was trying to remove me from his case again. Being in his domain when saying these things, had certainly given him an edge. I now have to have trust that all the surveillance in this room has been taken care of._

_'For someone so confident in confessing to me, you're taking your time. Have I not responded to your expectations?' He scowled when I actually said it._

_'It's hard even having expectations of you, your job has kinda made you unreadable.' I raised my brow a little. He had a point there, but I wouldn't let his reason get in the way. If he's out to frame me again, I need to nip it in the bud._

_'I'm putting my work on the line, I would appreciate it if you stopped hesitating.' He increased his pace a little until he stood right in front of me, in between my legs. I looked up at those big eyes, and sighed inwardly when I thought about the calculated risks. 'What do you want me to do?' He scoffed at me when I actually asked him._

_'Don't have any ideas of your own?' I inclined my head slightly and decided to just do this so it would be over and done with. By now I've learned this white haired boy has too many reasons not to back down unless the situation is treated. Even if I'd be taken off this case, I would not be left alone. If I want him and his family off my back, I need to let them think they're winning the game._

_So I lifted my hands, and very lightly stroke my fingertips up his upper legs, over his hips and landed on his waist with my palms. The look in his eyes had changed. For the first time since he'd started this game, there was genuine doubt. He hasn't done anything sexual before, he's most probably underestimated the effects of it on his mind._

_His head is probably full of it by now in order to succeed today, but the expectations he's put on himself because of his genius reputation were way too high._

_I refrained from commenting on any of this though, and slowly trailed my gaze down from his face, over his chest, and lowered my hands to his hips when I closed my head in on his lower abs. I hovered there for a second – feeling the tension in his body – before kissing the clothed area._

_'…' A slight huff escaped his lips, and I released the pressure before applying it more firmly on a spot next to it. I pinched him while alternating in pressure and location, before making it clear where I was going. I could hear from his breaths that he was trying to pace himself in his excitement, but he seemed to be utterly failing. He really hadn't expected it to have this kind of effect, did he._

_Although that he was reacting to it so strongly most probably meant he did feel some kind of attraction._

_I stopped just short of kissing all the way down before flipping my hair and looking back up at him. He looked completely flushed, and was unable to look me back in the eyes. Confrontation._

_'I believe this is the area that's causing all these problems, isn't it?' I let one of my hands glide away from his small hips to his groin, and he twitched when I touched it. He closed his eyes and bit his lip in embarrassment. His bark was greater than his bite at this point. 'It seems it's reacting quite well.' I trailed my fingers over it some more, making him lift his hand so he could bite on the back of it – opening his eyes again and forcing himself to look back down at me. He was angry at me for playing around it this much, and most probably angry that his body was responding so readily._

_'Let's take care of that and continue with the session.' My hand slid back to its original position, and I moved my lips over his groin, letting my warm breath protrude the cloth and getting a restrained reaction from him._

_'Aah…' I flicked out my tongue, and trailed the contours of his growing arousal. I paid extra attention to the tip and sincerely hoped that surveillance had indeed been taken care of with the sounds he was starting to make. If it wasn't, then I still had work to do afterwards. He lifted his hands, and laid them on my shoulders. Restlessly grabbing and releasing my shirt._

_I moved my hands back some more, and massaged the flesh of his cheeks. There wasn't even direct contact needed, this boy would come within a couple of minutes if I'd keep this up._

_But that would only confront him halfway, I need to put a stop to him coming after me completely._

_Almost in slow-motion, I pulled my mouth away from him, and slid my hands down, looking back up at him. I waited until he was ready to make eye contact again. His face had turned a bright red, I don't think he'd expected to be this overtaken by touch – touch by me, no less._

_'Come here.' He stepped back when I closed my legs, and gestured for him to come and sit on top of me. He was heaving slightly, but didn't refuse the command. He sat up on his knees with his legs on either side of me, and laid his hands around my shoulders. It felt obvious he'd started this with half preparation._

_His face had closed in considerably, but I refused to kiss him on the lips at this point. That would show too much intimacy in a situation where I need to have the upper hand. He was expecting it, but I refrained from doing it and opted to trail my tongue along his neck to his ear, kissing him just below it._

_He pressed his body closer against me in response, but I stopped him from doing that too much. I lifted my hands and started opening his belt and zipper. As soon as I started this, he clenched his arms around my shoulders tightly, making it almost impossible for me to keep kissing his neck. I trailed my fingers along the hem of his pants and underwear, and slowly pulled them down when I'd reached the side._

_'I do need air in my lungs.' I whispered against his skin when his grip had relocated to around my neck. He shakily moved them, before I lay my head against the side of his and I reached up to his erection. He almost bit into my ear when he gasped at the touch. He's probably done this a million times himself, but there's really no comparing to when someone else does it for you._

_'You don't need to hold back.' As soon as I started moving my hand, I don't think his body left him any other choice. He arched his back into the feeling and breathed out hard against my skin. After that, he kept his body still for a long time when I started pumping him. It wasn't until he was getting closer that he started moving his body in rhythm with my hand._

_I placed my lips against his skin again and wanted to pick up the pace to finish all of this, but for the first time during any of our sessions these last two weeks, he surprised me._

_My eyes shot wide open when I gasped to the feeling of his hand that had snaked down and found its way to my crotch. My movements stopped for a second, thinking he had finally found the focus to make it backfire on me. But that wasn't even needed at this point, if there was surveillance, just me touching him was enough. I can't actually say that him being selfless is what's happening right now though, he's probably just being spiteful._

_I didn't have the luxury of getting caught up in it though, and I started up again, ignoring the feeling in the lower half of my body. I pumped him until he couldn't focus on anything else anymore, and the movements of his hand stopped. He grunted out a bit harder and I felt his body hitch just before he let himself go completely. I covered his tip with my hand to keep it away from my clothes and refrained from doing anything 'till he'd rode it out._

_Partly choice, partly because his hand had clenched a bit too hard in my crotch when he'd come. I closed my mouth shut to keep from reacting to that, but it hurt nonetheless. I was thankful for his releasing grip together with his breath evening out as well._

_'Can you stand up?' I asked when the grip around my neck finally loosened as well. He lifted his leg off me, and I stood up from the chair, walking towards the bathroom to clean myself up. For as far as I heard, Killua hadn't moved away from the chair._

_This is bad… I opened a cabinet to get some tissues first to clean off my hands. He'd actually wanted it, or had put on a better play than I'd expected. The bad thing though, had started the moment he started touching me as well. Although subdued by his unsubtle release, I had gotten excited…_

* * *

'Illumi? How did your session go?' I got shook out of my focus for a second when Zeno addressed me. I'd been staring into space for a while, organizing the cases he'd put me on before in my mind. He's been putting a lot of work on me lately. Normally that would look like a sign of trust, but it doesn't feel that way. It feels like he's playing at something. I just don't know what it is yet.

'Not a problem at all.' I answered a second later. He was referring to my most recent case where the patient had just been transferred to another, by the way. It wasn't that I'd been doing badly, it was that it had nothing to do with my field anymore. I looked up at him when he went to stand beside me and stare out the window. It was mid-winter and the snow was blowing across the parking lot in a thin layer. I was hoping I wouldn't get snowed in again. This place isn't built to be a hotel.

'Good, I hear promising things from the feedback as well. Do you feel up for another case?' He already had a another case planned for me?

'Will I be working together this time?' I looked back out the window again as well. Oftentimes I would be left alone in this even though most times we worked in pairs. I'd get milder cases and I had no problem dealing with that, but I feel like I can learn more if I would be given more of a challenge. I don't like stagnation.

'With this case you are.'

'What's the case?'

'It's a 14 year old boy from the Zoldyck family, Killua. He had come close to his first murder two months ago. Although judging from the reports he's probably succeeded before.' Zoldyck is not the most unknown to us. That he was putting me on such a high profile case is exceptional.

'That's a level higher than you usually ask me for.' I turned my eyes to look up at him a little,

'I don't think it's above your capabilities. You'll be working together with Dr. Lucilfer.' I had no problems with that. Chrollo Lucilfer is a capable man, and given the opportunity I believe I can learn a lot from him. 'Don't sell yourself short.' He looked back down on me and I returned the attention. 'You're better than you think, I believe you could work on equal footing with him.' A compliment like that after all the years working here?

'I don't like flattery of this kind, but I'll be happy to accept the case.' He huffed at my response before walking away. I followed him with my eyes for a second before leaning back in my chair. I know I can most probably get along with Dr. Lucilfer on a lot of areas, but there's something different about him, about the way he handles things; and there's not an employee in this entire institution that would pass up this opportunity.

Still…

A fourteen year old boy from the Zoldyck family having been caught wanting to commit a murder. With their reputation I didn't think they'd ever get in a situation like this. I need to start reading up on Killua.


	2. Chapter 2

'Can you fucking believe it? They're not sending me to prison! All thanks to you, and mom and dad.' I nudged a dazed out Gon next to me. He'd asked me to walk with him to school even though I was still suspended, but he wasn't even paying attention. Knowing him, he was all up in the clouds about actually having passed a couple of grades. I scowled at him when we stopped at the traffic lights. Raising my hands behind my head, I kicked some snow his way. He looked back at me when I did that, and I ran out onto the street after that, laughing at his shocked face. No-one was on the road with this weather but Gon had been too out of it to notice that, and I scared him good.

'Idiot!' I got yelled back at me before reaching the other side without getting run over. Gon was right behind me, ready to tackle me. I avoided his first attempt narrowly, and he had to use a lamppost to stay upright.

'That's what you get for spacing out, dude!' His second attempt didn't miss though, and he smacked us both down into the thick layer of snow. Those lazy asses never cleaned the sidewalks from it.

'Well this is what you get for scaring the shit out of me!' He sat up and laughed while burying my face with the snow besides us. I sputtered a bit before coming up for air again.

'You're way too easy to startle, don't blame me for it!' I half laughed, half gasping for air. The laugh caught on, and it didn't take long for me to be able to push the guy off of me. I stood up and wiped my face clean. 'Are you actually gonna make it to next year now? It will be bo~ring without you.' Gon had failed his class last year, but with the suspension for me this year, he could actually catch up. I started walking backwards out in front of him, 'I didn't get thrown out of class just for you to fail again you dimwit.' He dusted himself off before taking a small sprint to follow me.

'Don't worry, I'm even ahead this time.' I snorted at that statement and turned back around when he'd caught up with me.

'You fucking better be, you did all this last year.' I shut my mouth after this immediately. _That wasn't true._ With everything that happened for Gon last year, of course he's flunked his classes. Fortunately he didn't read into my words all that much and changed the subject, turning the last corner before school got in sight. I was considering just crashing his classes again or at the very least hang around here until he'd be done. Anything to not spend the entire day with my family right now…

'But what were you saying?'

'You actually didn't catch any of that? You're a real space case.' I pocketed my cold hands again and turned my head to grin at him, getting a punch to the shoulder for that one. 'No but seriously, I'm not going to prison.'

'You're not?' His face lit up completely and I couldn't help myself from falling into a laughing fit because of that. _Of all the people in the world, he's actually happy about it..._ I hunched over and had to stop walking for a second. This was way too ridiculous. When he looked back at me with question marks written all over his face, I could only laugh more. It took me a good minute before I could respond with proper words.

'You- you're the only one actually happy about that. You fucking weirdo!' He scrounged his face a bit in insult. But really, I'm glad there's at least someone in my life that doesn't take things as serious or personal as Gon. With everything that I've done and for all the trouble I put him in as well, he's still serious when he says he's my friend. 'Don't make that fucking face, I'm dying over here!' I laughed again before starting to walk again.

'Well, at least I'm a weirdo that can make you laugh.' He smiled the biggest of smiles back at me before I joined him again for the last couple of meters. 'But if not prison, then what?'

'The only other option, you moron.' When there was too much silence I sighed deeply and told him. 'I'm being institutionalized. I'm getting a fucking shrink. You really need to study more.'

'I'm studying all I can already.' The serious tone in that sentence made me snort, and we stopped for a second at the front gate. 'Will I be able to reach you then?'

'A hell of a lot easier than if I'd go to prison. I have no clue what the details are though.'

'When're you going?' The almost pouty face I got was breaking my heart, and I decided to change that.

'You selfish prick, you're just sad because you won't have me to help you study.' I smiled a fake smile and hit him on the shoulder, but his expression didn't really change. 'Look, I'll let you know. I'm not getting the chair, 'lright? Things'll be just fine, and I'll do my best to be back in class again when you pass it. So you better make it fucking certain I'll see you there. I'll beat the shit out of you if you fail again.' A genuine smile reappeared on his face, and the catchiness of it reached me. It seemed to have been a good enough of an answer, seeing as the subject changed again.

'You joining today again? It's more fun to annoy Bisque when you're there.' I looked up at the tall metal gate that stood open for now. Inside were a lot of familiar faces, both near and far. But all of them reacted the same when they caught sight of me. I gave them the same look back. Yes, just look away, just pretend that _I'm_ the only monster. You bunch of hypocrites. Without people like you, I wouldn't even be in this situation in the first place. I would just be a kid attending school,

Still, staying here was the better option of the two for today. I looked back at Gon,

'Of course I'm joining you, but I think I'm avoiding Bisque for a while, if you don't mind.' The last experience of being caught by her was still fresh in both our memories, and we laughed a bit sheepishly at that. 'I'll be in the library the rest of the day, you better come there whenever you can.' His face lit up completely when hearing those words, and he nodded enthusiastically to confirm this before running off at the sound of the first bell.

I would like to say that Gon had nothing to do with anything I did, but as I watched him running for the door, I could see the nasty glances people were throwing him as well. "How dare he be friends with that monster." Probably something predictable like that. I entered school grounds as soon as it was all but empty and lazily made my way into the building that looked more like a monastery than an actual school.

 _At least I'll be warm here._ The cold atmosphere back at home right now leaves me with more chills than any of this cold weather's doing.

* * *

Well…

 _Irony always bites me in the ass when it feels like it, doesn't it?_ The heating in the library had given out and no matter what kind of love and aptitude I have to take in new information, I sure as hell didn't stay in that cold, cold room. By the time Gon'd get his first break I'd be nothing more than a popsicle. He'd still have fun with me gliding me down a hill, wouldn't he. My lips raised for a second thinking about that. Gon is always sickenly optimistic no matter the situation. It annoys me at times because it's not nearly always realistic and I just want to smack him, but more than often I need that. More than I want to admit, I probably would be off way worse than I am now if I hadn't met him two years ago.

I looked back down next to me when I heard my phone buzz for the second time this hour. Third time not picking up and they would start tracking me. I wasn't picking up before then though.

I turned the thing over and it stopped buzzing. I got a lot of glances from people walking past me in the hallway, but ignored them like always. I hadn't moved very far from the library. I sat just outside the door against the wall, with the cord from my laptop crawling underneath the door into the cold room. I never go anywhere without this thing. I need to have _something_ to do when waiting, don't I?

Just as I started typing again and noticed that it would still be one hour until Gon'd be here, my phone rang again. I banged my head against the wall behind me and sighed loudly at the insistency. They're becoming more controlling by the minute.

I picked it up and looked at the known number before closing my eyes and answering it. Talking to them on the phone was still better than them sending someone over to pick me up.

 _'You're at school again?'_ I didn't have time to greet him properly.

'Where else am I even welcome.'

 _'You're not welcome there either, how many times do you have to get sent away before you realize that.'_ I hunched over a bit more, trying to keep the conversation in between us. The hallways were calming down though, and soon I'd be scolded for making noise here. The high ceilings weren't exactly working in my advantage. I better start unplugging everything.

'I'm still working dad, I didn't think you'd object to that.' Not a lie, I was practicing some new hacking skills I'd learned from my brother yesterday. It's one of the things I actually pursue on my own. I opened the door and reached around the corner to get the plug, but I almost toppled over when I refused to move out of sheer laziness to do this. I caught myself with my elbow while I listened to the response.

 _'Of course I'm not objecting, but you're attracting unnecessary attention with this, I'd prefer it you stay away from there. You can meet Gon away from that place as well.'_ With my free hand I put everything in my backpack and finally stood up to walk away from there. It's not that I love this place all that much, it's that I feel the least lonely. Choosing between angry glares and ignoring, I still preferred being noticed.

'You shouldn't complain so much about it, I've already attracted attention, can't do anything about that anymore.' In the short silence that followed, I made it to the cafeteria where there was a lot of racket anyway. Everyone with a free hour would be here, especially now that the library's practically off-limits.

_'I reckon you want to forget that it's this friend of yours that got you in this situation in the first place?'_

'Gon never had anything to fucking do with it, it's _you_ guys that got me in this situation!' I raised my volume when he insulted Gon again. This was common tactic to get me into a fit and catch me off-guard. I knew this, but I didn't care. I would _not_ let my only real friend get insulted by someone who barely even cares if I live or die.

 _'That's nothing new. Just go away from that school for now, and I wanted to inform you that someone has taken your case. You're expected there next Monday.'_ Monday? That was four days from now. Where the hell had they found an institution so fast? Most companies wouldn't dare getting involved with the dubious reputation our name carried. I'd hoped to have at least a week more freedom.

'Is it in town?' I calmed my voice down a little and walked to a supporting pillar to lean my shoulder against. I looked over at the people eating and studying just a step lower then where I was standing. I didn't really see anything though. I was afraid that if this institution would be too far away, that Gon wouldn't be able to visit more than once a month or so. I didn't want that loneliness, I was scared of that.

 _'It's not in town, and you don't have to worry about where it is either. You'll go there and get clearance, alright?'_ I looked down at the floor and closed my eyes.

'That won't be a problem.' I've been versed in psychology as well. I know the tactics to put people on the wrong track. If it was your average psychiatrist then it wouldn't take me long to get back home. Not that _that_ was such an improvement though.

He didn't even say goodbye after that, the phone went silent, and I looked at it to see if the connection really had been broken. Factual communication like always. By now it shouldn't bother me anymore as much as it used to. I guess the playful contact with Gon has both its pros and cons.

'Why don't you just tell the psychiatrists the truth about your parents?' I let out a short yell at the sudden sound of that voice and my phone started looking for a way to obey gravity. I was able to catch it in the end and I grabbed my chest when breathing out dramatically at the scare.

'Fucking hell Gon!'

'What? Weren't you looking at me just now?'

'I am now!' I looked back up and pushed him against the shoulder before putting my phone away. 'You didn't tell me you had a free hour!'

'I don't.' I snorted when hearing that answer.

'I thought you were going to pass this year, you need to be _in_ class to do that!'

'I told you I was ahead, didn't I?' I frowned at him in disbelief.

'If you want to keep that up you still need to _stay_ in class.' He laughed at that,

'I just thought you needed my company more, that's all.' And just like that, out of nowhere, he took me by surprise by saying something like that. I still don't quite understand why he was still my friend after having made his situation worse than it previously was. I feel way too lucky thinking about that.

I smiled back at him involuntarily before smacking his head.

'If you want to keep me company, just be sure to pass, you moron.' He laughed a little sheepishly at that before I actually answered his question. 'You know I can't rat out my family, even to a psychiatrist. It's impossible for me.' He smiled back at me knowingly. He's not an idiot. He acts like one most of the time, but he's never been one. He just chooses not to put too much weight on his heart when he has the choice. 'Oh! I've just been called actually, they already have a place for me on Monday.' He started pouting a little when I said that.

'That soon?' But that disappeared in no time. 'Well at least it'll be over quicker that way. Where are you going?'

'Don't know yet. Probably won't know either 'till the moment I set foot in that place.'

'Why don't you just hack into some of those institutions?'

'You _are_ a fucking idiot! I can't possibly hack into all of them!'

'Well, if you're going to, then I suggest not on school grounds.' A chill went up and down my spine when I heard the familiar high pitch behind me and instinctively jumped away from her. 'I suggest you leave before I take matters into my own hands.' Though she was a small woman, I'd learned firsthand that her… taking matters were much more painful than just being thrown out by the board. Gon looked back at me apologetically before I returned the look and darted off as quickly as I could. I'd just hang around somewhere in town until his classes would be over.

* * *

'You believe this case is too much for you?' While looking through the case with Chrollo at the other side of the coffee table, I didn't think I'd changed expressions, so I looked up at my supervisor when he said that. 'You haven't said anything for a while.' I brought my hand down from my lips and straightened my back a bit.

'It's not too much for me, I'm just surprised at my own conclusions.'

'You believe they're wrong?' I glanced back down at the papers in my hands. I have read through it a dozen times, and arrived at the same conclusion time and time again. Still it didn't seem right.

'It's a good thing we've accepted him as a case.'

'You're confident that we can help?' I wouldn't even go that far. A case like this could take a long time and be quite demanding. But that wasn't the point.

'He would talk his way out of the institution within a week with almost anyone else.'

'You sound confident in your abilities.'

'Of course I am.' He laughed shortly and softly at my answer. Judging from everything I've read, I'd have to agree with Zeno. In that case, it was good that he'd chosen me. There seemed to be overlapping circumstances in our lives. Killua seems to be controlled by his family; so some degree I could relate. There's a reason behind my confidence, and it was that that most probably refrained Chrollo from writing my statements off as arrogance.

'Well, if your previous cases are representative in any kind of way, then you have every reason to be.' I lay the papers down on the table again.

'What will we address first?' I leaned back some more and waited for an answer. If anything, I felt like I could get along with Chrollo on a professional level without problem.

'Well if we want to throw him off and keep him here until we can actually change something in his life…'

'We're going to make him comfortable.' I inclined my head at the intended proposal and thought it over a bit. 'Then we're going to allow Gon Freeccs to come visit him as well?' Remembering the name of this only friend of Killua's.

'Not from the start, we'll break his resistance a bit first. After that, yes, we'll allow Gon here and only give limited rights to his family.' I nodded slowly, calculating this. Under normal circumstances I'd object to this, due to the possibility of Killua's friend telling the Zoldycks about the uneven distribution. But judging from this information, Gon would not go near them if given the choice. 'Is it okay for you if I lead the first session?' I diverted my attention back to the man in front of me when he started to stand up from his chair. 'I'm confident in your abilities as well, but you haven't had a high level case like this in a while.' I just nodded my consent. I hadn't expected any differently.

'Not a problem.' He walked around the table,

'I'd like you to either call Gon Freeccs or his family for a conversation before all this starts. I think he holds a very important key in all of this that we won't hear about from Killua.' He walked behind me towards his desk, and I turned my head to keep looking at him.

Of course having them here in the same session wouldn't work, their profile indicated that they'd only be protecting each other. We'd monitor their interaction during visiting hours.

'I'll call him immediately.'

* * *

'You're _what?!'_ I dropped my coke just outside the store when Gon finished his phone call and told me what it had been about. I jumped away to not let it splash on me and cursed the fact that sometimes Gon's clumsiness seemed to be contagious.

'It's tomorrow, I'll have to call my mom to drop me off though.' He started thinking about it while putting his phone away again. 'Either way now you know where it is!' I couldn't believe this guy. I couldn't believe that institution either. What were they gonna do to Gon?!

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus it begins...The long, long road to establishing relationships between all the different characters. I actually love doing that and I'll probably get lost in it. The way I'm setting this up in my mind I feel like it's gonna be a long, long fic.  
> The problem most encountered for me will most probably be keeping everyone IC in an AU. I will do my best, but please mention it if something seems too OOC. I strive to deliver mostly to my own expectations - which are reasonably high - but you guys are most important in the end.
> 
> Ah, and just so everyone's clear on my style of writing - I'm anal about this - the description:  
> I'm writing only from either Illumi's or Killua's POV  
> Complete text in italics means flashback (only the first chapter was a flashforward)  
> Spoken pieces of text in italics means it's a person on the other side of a phone call   
> Unspoken pieces of text in italics means it's an explicit thought of that person.  
> A line in between pieces of text means either a passage of time or a change of POV  
> In the future, this: "###" will mean changing of POV in real time.  
> I will always make it clear in the first two sentences whose POV it is, and who he's talking to.


	3. Chapter 3

'You're not going home? The road's plenty clear.' I shook my head to my co-worker from my lying position on the couch, not lifting my arm away from my face. It has gotten far too late for me to go home now. I'd be on the road longer than I'd be at my house. Work often keeps me over night at this institution as such. 'You can ride with me if…'

'I would go alone if you want to be home before midnight.' I cut her off. The woman dripped off after that. I heard the hasty ticking of her heels dying down in the distance of the dark corridor. There would always be someone that bothered me with this. By now I'm overanalyzed by almost everyone that works here, thinking I have problems at home. This home is just a house, and it's a fairly remote house. That seems to be hard to understand for most of the people working here.

A couple of seconds later I heard a pair of heavier footsteps approaching me and stop before the door. I didn't have to move to know who it was. Next to it being the only other person that regularly stayed the night at this place, by now I'd memorized his footsteps.

'Staying tonight as well?'

'Naturally.' I got out of my resting position and swung my legs off the couch, looking up at the redhead leaning casually in the doorframe.

'Lost track of time?'

'You know better than that.' He pushed himself away from the door and took slow steps towards me.

'I'm not in the mood for any games, Hisoka.' Our eyes never left each other, trying to force him to keep a little distance with that. Although I get along with him the most out of everyone working here, he takes a lot of fun out of stepping over boundaries with me. He knew when to keep his distance though, and tonight all he did was sit down next to me on the couch. I turned my eyes back in front of me and leaned back.

'I heard from Zeno you were put on the Killua Zoldyck case together with our renowned Dr. Lucilfer.' I nodded in confirmation as I heard the names roll off his tongue.

'I'm seeing his only friend tomorrow at four to get a better reading on Killua himself before he sets foot inside of here.'

'Chrollo is taking the lead during the first sessions with the Zoldyck boy?' I turned my head a little when he lay his arms over the backrest and casually crossed his legs.

'Of course, I haven't had a case like this in a long time.' I shrugged while giving the answer,

'Can you get along with him?'

'I don't see this becoming a problem.'

'He _can_ be strange in his dealings with patients.' _Like it's never been strange to work with you._

'I can only learn from that, that doesn't affect me.' I stood up and walked around the couch to the phone on my desk. I nodded to ask for confirmation before dialing the number to order some food in. He just raised a hand to do as I pleased.

This winter the snow has been really bad, and staying here together had become more natural for us than going home at night. He was the only one who actually lived further away from here than I did. When I saw him moving while I was on the phone, I noticed him perusing some of the papers still on the table.

'Hm…'

'What's so interesting?' I asked away from the phone before finishing the order for Chinese; I recognized the fascination in his tone.

'This Gon you're seeing tomorrow, he was actually involved during the incident two months ago, wasn't he?' I hung up the phone and walked to the back of the couch to look at the papers Hisoka was holding.

'He was.'

'It affected his family negatively that he helped his friend, in a time where his family couldn't take any more ballast.' I nodded and leant down on the backrest. 'Why aren't you seeing the entire Freeccs family then? It seems prudent in this case.'

'I choose not to focus on that relationship. If Gon chooses his friend over his family in a situation like that, then his problems will reflect in his relationship with Killua as well.'

'You're thinking overcompensation?'

'Filling up a void.' I stood back up and threw my hair back over my shoulder. I'd thrown it loose before laying down, but now it was getting in the way again. The second I made the movement though, Hisoka held up the clip previously on the table and I gladly took it. I have a preference to keep my hair long, but it can be quite a chore to maintain sometimes.

'They fixed the bathrooms here, you should take a shower.'

'Are you insulting my hygiene?'

'You know me better than that, I'd just hate for that beautiful hair to go to waste because of a little snow outside.' He turned his head to look back at me with a suggestive look in his eyes. For his doing he was being subtle.

'I'm showering in the morning. You don't need to concern yourself with this.' He gave me a small grin before turning back to the papers.

'How are you doing lately?'

'I'm fine.' I sat back down next to him and took the papers from his hands, glancing it over once before laying them back down.

'Oh? That's strange, no old problems rearing their ugly head?' I shook my head before leaning back again. 'Of how much of your past is our dear Chrollo even aware?'

'Of everything that he needs to know working with me.' A soft chuckle exited his throat before he turned his face a bit closer to mine.

'You know the chance of a trigger happening in a case like this is highly likely. Why did you take it?'

'Because the small, easy cases like I've been doing are below my level. I appreciate Zeno recognizing my abilities.'

'I still highly suggest you tell Chrollo.'

'When it will interfere with work, I will.'

'If you don't inform him within a month, then I will.' The atmosphere got tense around us, and for a while all that was exchanged in between us were silent threats. Hisoka has always kept an eye on me out of personal interest, but it seems that on some level he has some care; although this "care" of his still is incredibly self-centered and - not in the last place - aggressive.

'I will inform him when the need arises.' I still answered. He snorted and looked away after that,

'You are quite the challenge.'

'In what way?'

'In a way that interests me.' I sighed and hung my head at that statement. A lot of me seems to be interesting to him, but as long as I can keep him at bay to a certain degree, I don't mind the attention. After all, he keeps certain happenings of mine to himself while gaining nothing from it. Happenings that could ruin my career in an instant.

It gave me a kind of sense that I could confide in him if need be, and it was that sense that gave me the comfort to be around him like this.

As long as he stayed interested in whatever he was interested in, he would do nothing to permanently harm me.

'How are you going to get all this information out of Gon in just two hours, tomorrow?' He spoke up again after I'd stared into space for a while, and I turned my head towards him.

'That's not very hard.'

* * *

'Killua-a~!' Of course I didn't let Gon go alone to that shrink today. I made sure of that by hitching a ride in the back of his mother's car. I had to break into it and hide myself to do that though, she's not very fond of me anymore. I'd rolled out after Gon, and slid myself away from the vehicle into hiding until she left – luckily – and I pulled Gon with me around the corner, away from the main entrance.

I'd looked around for a spot with no cameras, and once we were there, I'd pulled the biggest grin when opening my backpack.

'Shut up, I'm not letting you go in there without surveillance.' I'd "borrowed" some equipment from "home" and was in the process of hooking Gon up with it. I would probably feel the consequences of borrowing this the moment I got home, but that was hardly out of the routine by now, so I didn't really care.

'But what if they screen me? I'll get caught and in trouble!'

'You're not gonna get screened idiot, _you're_ not the one who's gonna be admitted!' I smacked his head when he started fidgeting with the small earpiece I'd just put in. I didn't know what kind of good that thing would do, but it could come in handy if Gon was about to say something harmful.

If he kept his hands away from it of course…

'Stop touching any kind of equipment I just put on you! You'll just look suspicious!'

'Why can't you just let me tell you after what happened!'

'Because I need an objective image of this shrink, and for that I need to see him or her myself. Now let me test this.' I smacked him again when he reached back up to his ear. This was gonna be harder than I thought.

I sat down on the ground and put the laptop on my folded legs, starting up the programs I needed. This was basic training for me, the only anomaly here was the one not trained to handle it.

'Look around a bit.' I enlarged the screen a bit, and leaned back on my arms. Once I saw an image of myself appear on screen, I put the headset on to test the sound as well.

'Can you hear me through the earpiece?'

'Loud and clear.' I checked if there was anything to be played back before answering.

'Alright, I'm receiving you as well, and it's recorded, so you're good to go.'

'Are you done bugging me?' I looked up in incredibility at the bad joke, but burst out laughing when I saw that stupid grin on his face.

'Just don't touch any of that stuff and it's fine. Don't mind me listening in on it, just answer like you normally would.' And with that I meant "don't tell any details about my family" but he knew that. He nodded and darted off to meet his appointment.

I stood up as well, putting away my laptop and looking for a more inconspicuous place than this to sit for two hours. Ultimately jumped over a high metal fence and positioned myself near a back entrance that looked deserted. I needed to hack into the nearby security cameras as well if I wanted to keep myself safe, but I'd already done the preparatory work for that, so that was no problem at all. Now all that remained was gathering the data and taking it home to analyze over the weekend to figure out the best strategy. For this I could even ask the help of my mom or dad, seeing as they wanted me out of there as quickly as possible as well. _Finally we have the same goal, don't we._

'Time to get to work.' I sat down against the wall in between two garbage containers and set my laptop on my knees.

_Alright. Training don't fail me now._

I sighed a small breath of relief when I'd started everything up again and saw that Gon was being led to the one who I'd be stuck with for at least a week. If I was lucky, the reason this firm took my case was because they were too stupid to realize the implementations of dealing with a Zoldyck, and I'd be out of there in a day.

If was unlucky, they took the case full well knowing the risks and apparently knowing me better than I wanted them to. Seeing as they invited Gon first, it was seemingly the second, but I refused to think about that. Staying with my family is still better than being hauled up in a place like this.

In front of Gon was walking a fairly tall… person. Damn it, the long hair made it harder to distinguish who it was, but this person didn't matter anyway, he/she was only leading him. While walking through the hallways, I could already see several points of surveillance along the way. I hadn't expected any differently if this was a place where I ended up going.

_'Have you been to such a place before?'_ I stopped thinking when the person spoke up and distinguished a male voice.

_'Nah, never.'_ Gon looked up at his back some more. It's about time we both get our growth spurt, isn't it?

_'Don't worry, you won't be admitted and I can say beforehand that you're still allowed to see Killua when he's in here, no matter what you say today.'_ I felt a sense of relief running through me when I heard that, and Gon's head movements indicated he was happy about that as well. At the very least if I was going to stay here longer than a week, I wouldn't be alone.

_'Come in.'_ My heart stopped for a second when I heard that. _Come in_ … this was already my shrink?

I enlarged the recordings to full screen and gave it my full attention when Gon looked up at his face and I closed my face in on it; having a slight heart attack.

No.

Fucking.

Way.

How was Gon so calm under all of this? Didn't I know him yet back then?! Has he even ever….

Fucking hell, how was this happening... I wouldn't last a fucking day if…

I minimalized the live recording and opened the footage of when they introduced themselves to each other to catch a name.

This really couldn't be…

He isn't….

_Of course he fucking isn't, he's fucking dead, you idiot._ I slapped my forehead hard of even thinking something like that. But when I found the introductions and saw his face again, I couldn't really blame myself for the cardiac arrest. The name was Illumi though, not Yellmi. The last names didn't even match, so it wasn't twins either, thank my non-existent god.

I breathed in and out a couple of times to calm myself down before going back to the live footage. _The resemblance is fucking uncanny though._ Stop fidgeting, Gon, no-one can see the wires on you. Why can't I slap you through this equipment…

_'This was two hours, right?'_ Gon sounded really nervous about this entire situation.

_'If you're too uncomfortable we can always cut it short. But I'd like for you to stay as long as you can.'_

_'Alright.'_ I heard the tap against his earpiece through my headset and glared at the screen. I should've taken that out, shouldn't I…

I saw this… Illumi take a seat across from Gon and I looked straight into his catlike, black eyes. It was unnerving me a bit too much on how much he looked like Yellmi. I needed to snap myself out of that before I'd be the one sitting there, I have to be at full clarity.

Wait.

Looked straight into…

The camera wasn't in Gon's fucking eyes…

_He could see the camera?!_ But I've been trained to keep it hidden, I'm a fucking 100% sure it's not visible! Gon, if this is your fault then I'll fucking…

He looked away from the camera a moment later and I gasped for breath a second. What kind of nerve wracking situation was this?!

_'You've known Killua for two years, right?'_

_'Right! We entered the same school and class that year.'_

_'When did you become friends with him?'_

_'The first day.'_ I smirked at the memory of that. Although things have been going haywire this past year, the first year with Gon had been priceless. ' _He sat alone behind his laptop during first break, and I looked to see what he was doing. And he had all these programs open, said he was…'_ I cringed for a second. Even though "working" was still a broad concept, a shrink was gonna pick apart every word… _'…working on a game or something.'_ Thank you Gon, _'But it all looked really complicated, so I asked what more he could do, and he hacked into the school network, changing the food order. So we all had exactly what we wanted the weeks after. Oh, he was never found out, this doesn't leave the room, right?'_ I hung my head and sighed. Even though he hadn't mentioned working, what he said just now wasn't harmless either.

'Keep it down on my unusual skills, it will look suspicious.' I whispered into the headset. Where after Gon immediately touched the thing again and nodded a little. _Yes, thank you, that's not suspicious at all._

You're perceptive of moods and emotions, but concerning these things you're a total idiot Gon.

Illumi went silent for a second when he did that, but didn't look back at the camera. Did he notice? Didn't he notice? Make it clear man!

_'Don't worry, any mischief done at your school is of no concern to us.'_ I was slightly relieved at hearing that, because the school would never take me back if they found out all the shit I've pulled there…

_'That's good to hear, 'cos I'd really like to see him in class next year.'_ His lips upturned, but it wasn't really a smile. More a confirmation of the positive feeling. If the two hours were going to be like this, then I'll have no trouble getting through it.

_'That's right, you're retaking the year, because of last year's happenings.'_

_'Is there any chance Killua will be out of here by next school year?'_ Gon leaned forward a bit in anticipation of the answer,

_'I'm sure of it.'_ -Wait. Wasn't he supposed to answer "that'll depend on him" or something? What gave him the idea he could "cure" me within six months?

'Tch.' I hissed at that insult before Illumi continued.

_'You've become really close the past two years, haven't you?'_

_'Of course!'_

_'What makes him your best friend?'_

_'… …he's always there, and he loves trouble as much as I do.'_ I'm always there because I fucking need a light in my life, and instinctively you know this.

_'You hesitated for a second because of what happened two months ago?'_

_'… …'_ It hadn't gone unnoticed to me either. Although Gon keeps reassuring me that he's never going to give up his friendship with me – not even after _that_ \- it's hard for me to believe. It's one of the reasons I want to keep him as close as possible. I get anxious about him actually staying my friend when he's not physically there.

_'Do you find it difficult to talk about that?'_

_'I…'_ Oh great, now he was pointed at his hesitation, don't fucking do this to me, Illumi! _'I never really blamed Killua for that. I know he was responsible but…'_ Don't… Don't say it Gon, don't talk about my work..!

Wait… …

_Son of a…!_

Oh no you didn't.

Oh no you fucking didn't.

I reseated myself and pushed my screen back a bit more, for a second checking the footage of the cameras I'd hacked before giving the recordings my full attention.

_'…. speak, just say so and I'll… if that makes you feel more… comfortable.'_ Fuck your sign language, Illumi! I learned this last year, but it's never been that great either way. I only learned it so I could communicate with Gon's little brother when visiting him. Lip reading I could do; that was absolutely no problem – I learned that when I was seven maybe - but this goddamn shrink… _why did he switch._

It stayed quiet on Gon's side for a while, he was probably responding in kind. _Great._

_'I read about your family so I learned it over the week. Am I doing it correctly…_ You fucking _ass_! In just a week?! Fuck you!' I said a little too loudly and checked the camera footage again, still nothing.

_'It won't reflect badly on Killua, don't worry. You're only helping him if you can speak more frankly…_ you fucking ass, you know about the equipment on him.' I muttered under my breath. It was quiet on Gon's side for a moment before he spoke up again.

'I'm sorry Killua, I just want to see you out of here as quickly as possible.'

'No! Don't you…!' He took the earpiece out first, followed by the small microphone and camera. All I could do was sit there frozen in shock for a second that this had happened. So… this was probably an institution that knew what it was doing…

I bonked my head back against the wall behind me when I realized this and stayed like that until I suddenly heard something through the microphone again. I turned my eyes back down to the screen, but it was still blank so I just perked my ears.

_'You need to have some trust in your friend, Killua. I'm sure you know he won't say anything that will harm you.'_ I got a chill up and down my spine when he spoke to me directly. _'Of course if you're eager to come here I can arrange to…'_

'Oh hell fucking no!' I said way too loudly again, waving my hands in denial,

_'Then I'll see you next week. I'll let Gon meet the supervising psychologist as well, so he can tell you about him.'_ The line went dead after that. My heart was standing still, and I pounded on my chest to get it beating again.

Never, _never_ has my trace been found. What kind of man was this? And he wasn't even the leading psychologist? What kind of hell was I in for? I need to do more research on this institution…

'Fucking hell…' I muttered under my breath. This whole ordeal has been nothing but one shock after the other. But the most shocking was still his appearance.

I raked my hands through my hair and looked at the footage on the screen. I don't know if I can deal with that…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Hisoka will take part in this story. I tried very, very hard - for two chapters - not to do this, but I am slightly in love with the redhead.  
> I will see how that plays out.  
> Muehehe


	4. Chapter 4

Gon had given me some wonderfully useful information after he was done last Friday…

_'…and it'll be mostly that Chrollo guy working with you. Haven't been able to meet him, but he sounds alright, so don't sweat it.'_

_'No really, it's safe, he said he'd even expected for you to do this surveillance thing so he didn't mind.'_ Don't sweat it he'd said. I'd glared him down when he'd said that and he'd started to laugh nervously when handing back the equipment.

* * *

Now it was Monday, and I was stuck with these shrinks. I still hadn't said a word to them all session. I'd tried to do some research on this Illumi and found out about Chrollo Lucilfer's involvement before Gon even told me. Both of these guys have perfect track records although Chrollo's had more intense cases. They're both so squeaky clean that it's bugging me. Every bone in my body is telling me there's something fishy about them, and unfortunately no reassurance from Gon had been able to fix that.

'Your last free day in a while, did you have fun?' I diverted my attention back to current happenings and looked away from Chrollo in front of me; thinking about the past 24 hours, and answering evasively.

'Like anyone's ever free.' I'd been dropped off early this morning, and although I'd pleaded for Gon to accompany me here as well, my parents hadn't allowed it. Unfortunately Gon's not so good in sneaking around, so the last I saw him was early this morning.

'That's true, but not my question.' I looked back at grey-eyed man slightly, also noting Illumi sitting in the background, taking in the conversation without even taking notes of it. They weren't even recording this, and that gave me an itchy feeling. These are most likely people with idetic memories.

'I don't see why I should tell you about yesterday, seeing as your partner over there crashed the party with a friend of his. Why don't you ask him.'

'He did tell me, that's why I'm asking how the experience was for you.' He smiled back at me without blinking. The combination of these two working together to crack me unnerved me. In the first place Mr. doppelganger that seemed to be more knowledgeable of me than I wanted him to be; in the second place Mr. unreadable in front of me. Although I've been taught to be evasive, turning the interrogation had not yet passed my training, and I only got limited tools for that over the weekend. I'm a quick learner, but not _that_ quick.

'I had a fucking blast. I spent the entire day with Gon until I was dragged away from him this morning somewhere around six or seven.' I lifted my hands behind my head and looked away again, feigning boredom. Not that I'd have a lot of trouble pretending to be that in the coming days, this place looked dull beyond compare.

'You stayed the night at his house?'

'Don't be ridiculous, like I'd be let near there ever again.' I raised my volume a bit. I'd still suggested to go, that I could just sneak in and no-one would know, but it had been out of the question for Gon. I can't really blame him.

'You took a car or public transport somewhere then?'

'Look, I'm not here for grand theft auto issues, can we just focus on fixing me, alright?' He got my attention again. They seemed intent on fixating on Gon instead of my family. Not that I minded, but I didn't really know where they were going with this.

There was a silence after that, and Chrollo leaned back, his attention diverted from me to somewhere else, and I was left with just Illumi's eyes on me. My eyes darted over him quickly to notice he really wasn't giving me attention either. Were they telepathically connected or something? What were they telling each other?

'Is this how everyday's gonna be? Two hours filled with just staring at each other? 'Cos I can do that in class as well, and at least I'd enjoy the company.' Chrollo was the one that responded, but it was Illumi's presence again that unnerved me.

'Don't worry, we're not delaying your treatment with this.' He leaned his elbow on an armrest and lay his head on the hand while Illumi slowly stood up and walked out of the room. I followed his every move with my eyes until the door closed behind him. Being left alone with one of them wasn't exactly my best case scenario either though… 'What is it that bothers you about him?' My eyes shot back to the one still in the room when he said that. Were they actually telepathic? How had they… Had this been deducted from Illumi's experiences yesterday…?

'I don't know, he just creeps me out.' He huffed and smiled when I said that.

'You're an over-analyzer, you know exactly what bothers you.' He took a short pause before continuing, leaning his arms on his legs and closing in a little, 'Point seems to be that you feel that you can't tell why, and that can have multiple reasons. The information can be harmful to Gon; the information could contain a secret surrounding your family and I have the feeling you have some form of loyalty towards them even though they're not pleasant people; you've been drilled not to tell anyone, or you only have an inkling and it bothers you that you don't know exactly why Illumi bothers you.' One by one the fingers on his right hand had raised, without his arm lifting from his legs.

'There are other reasons, but I thought these to be most likely, and judging from your reaction I have either mentioned the reason, or you never expected for me to be able to deduce something like that. The last one is implausible because you wouldn't react strongly to someone with knowledge, and certainly not because you've been looking into my personal data.' Am I… do I still have blood in my face? I've been taught to get in and out of anything without leaving any traces – both physically and digitally - how come I've been beaten with that two times in four days by the two people put on my case?

These are _not_ basic shrink skills, these two have fucking fishy pasts and I don't like this withheld information.

'Don't worry, I will not submit that you hacked into our system.' He made a small gesture with his hand before letting it hang loose again.

'Good to know, because I've never been into your personal data. I'm not even one to analyze stuff, I mostly just let it happen.' _Lie, lie, lie._

'Does Illumi unnerve you because he looks, acts or feels like someone you know or knew, or is it because of the physical contact you had yesterday?'

* * *

_Well, that had been a fun lesson…_

_I hadn't dared going to my parents empty handed concerning information about my shrinks, so before and after I parted with Gon, I spent all of my time gathering information on them online. There was still so little available though, and I'd gotten an earful about that. Up until now I hadn't been getting a second of rest from their psychological training with breaks of physical training. I was feeling the stress in all my muscles because of that. Goddamn hard asses made me flee out the door the moment I got the chance. I wasn't gonna survive another 24 hours of that this Sunday…_

_'Killua!' I nearly fell off the fence I'd just started climbing over when Gon scared the shit out of me by popping up out of nowhere._

_'You idiot! Keep it down! What are you doing at my house?' I readjusted my grip and quickly made my way to the other side before anyone would notice the situation. I grabbed Gon by the coat and dragged him back around the corner where he'd come from._

_'It's your last day of freedom, how do you want to spend it?' I let him go once we were far away enough, Freedom? I just climbed a fence to get out of my own home, but never mind that,_

_'Dude it's six in the morning, how are you even up?'_

_'Only half, but that doesn't matter.' Sundays were special days for him in which he'd spend time with his family and little brother, he shouldn't be spending that time with me. I can't let him skip that just because I've been idiot enough to get caught two months ago._

_'It's not exactly my last day of freedom, you know. You can visit me once or twice a week, which is more often than my family can, thank god. Also, I'm gonna need you there 'cos I'm probably gonna be bored to death with all that freedom compared to what I have now.' I nudged in the general direction of the house._

_'Of course! I will visit you whenever I can. But now we can still go places, so where do you wanna go?' When I looked at him waiting for an answer, somehow I didn't have the heart to say no any longer. I opened my mouth only to be cut off though. 'Ah! No, I'm sorry, I can't let you choose, there's one thing I'm saving for when you're released a 100% again. We're going to the amusement park!'_

_'Amusement park? It's winter!' I blurted out in surprise,_

_'So?'_

_'That's not something to go to…'_

_'Sure it is! Last time when mom mentioned going there you said like "who goes there anyway, nothing but lines and crowds, and the rides are probably boring as hell." And we didn't go. But I think you've never been to one, have you?'_

_'Do I look like I have the family that would go there?' Pointing both index fingers to my own face._

_'Somewhere I thought there's been the possibility, yeah. But if you've never been to one, let's go! Let's do something new today.'_

_'None of those things are even open in winter, you moron. I was trying to say that. We can do that on top of your surprise when I get out, but it's plainly impossible now.' I saw him contemplating this with his hand letting go of my wrist. He'd been ready to drag me along within a heartbeat._

_'Then we go swimming!' I blinked at him for a second. There were pools around that should be open, but who even thinks of that in winter… '…or go snowboarding, we can be at the piste in less than an hour. Or go laser questing, or…'_

_'Snowboarding is fine!' I raised my hands to make him stop and laughed a little awkwardly at all the suggestions. Although I've never snowboarded in my actual home region, the mountains around us should be fun enough, right?_

_'Then I'm putting you on skis!'_

_'Eh?! I'm no good on those things! Is that you're idea of having fun? Watching me fall over a billion times?' The stupid grin told me it was exactly that. 'There's no way you're getting me on skis.'_

_'Oh I will get you on them.'_

_'I'm gonna love seeing you try.' He grabbed my wrist again and started dragging me along towards the nearest bus stop. 'Do you have money on you?'_

_'Plenty. But the piste's not open 'till nine so we're gonna go for breakfast first.' I searched the feeling in my stomach for a second and realized that wasn't such a bad idea._

_Gon let go of me as soon as he noticed I was walking along willingly. I looked at him from the side, but couldn't help a stinging feeling about all of this. I'm dragging him away from his family again, I can't keep doing this to him…_

* * *

'I have no problems with physical contact.' I stated to Chrollo immediately, trying to think of another option for him to accept. 'I don't like people digging in my mind.' That was a poor one, and his expression told me he already had a response ready.

'Right now I'm the one doing that though. Still your discomfort is greater with Illumi near, even though he doesn't say anything. Who is he to you?'

'No-one.'

'I agree that you don't have problems with physical contact, but that can change in a heartbeat because of the person touching you, that's why I still asked.' He leaned back and I saw he had an inkling to pick up his pen, but refrained from doing so. He'd taught himself not to note anything on the first session? 'Your family is a mystery to the world though, so I'm going to need your help with discerning where this feeling comes from.'

'Haha! I'm not telling you anything about the individual members, let's just keep it with my feelings.' He smirked at that answer and leaned back in his chair,

'I have the feeling you're going to be here for a while.'

'Don't break Illumi's promise to Gon though, I'm supposed to be back next school year.' I looked up at him with a slight grin on my face,

'Oh? He said that? Better extend our sessions to three or four hours then.' His eyes betrayed that he had all the patience in the world for that, and it scared me a little. What exactly was their definition of "curing" me? _  
_

* * *

_'You were horrible!'_

_'Don't fucking remind me!' As the genius I'm expected to be, my pride had taken one blow after the other this afternoon. It's just two pieces of wood under your feet instead of one, why the hell did my body get confused because of that? Gon, you're fucking evil._

_'I got you on those things though, so pay up.' I handed him the ten while walking. I didn't even have such a bad time, and I've laid more in the snow - laughing for some strange reason - than anything else._

_We'd eaten at the piste afterwards, and were walking back through a nearby park to get to the city center for a place with actual decent food. I was starting to deliberate if I was gonna spend the night with Gon or my family. Well, it's more a deliberation if I can get away with the first option, really. After running off on the final day there, I was not gonna spend the night there._

_'Not really fair though, you know my weakness.'_

_'Not fair? It's not like your weakness to always having to take up challenges is a big secret, Killua!'_

_'Shut up.' I hit him on the head for saying that, but Gon didn't take it, and assaulted me. We went face first in the snow and he rolled us both off the path, making me unable to fight back because of my laughing fit. 'You ass!' I pushed him off me little and flipped him over with the lifting of my leg, making him roll over my head. I rolled backwards as well and wanted to land on top of him, but he pushed me sideways and tried to get a lock on me constantly with either his arms or legs._

_'You'll never get me with that!' He responded when I tried to get both his hands in my grip but he slipped away and buried some snow in my face._

_'Cheater!' I grabbed a handful, and returned the favor. He then gave me enough room to get some distance in between us, and I was ready to throw some more snow his way. Some people had stopped to look at our skirmish, but didn't stay interested for long._

_'You've done it now, Gon.' I stayed on one knee, juggling the snowball, looking at Gon's determined face as he did the same and slipped his backpack off._

_'You'll never beat me in this, I'm the master of snow fights!'_

_'We'll see about that!' I threw the snowball up a little and punched it so it would scatter, rolling closer to Gon, making a new snowball and was ready to assault him in his blinded state, but he got the drop on me. He knew where I would appear, grabbed the hand that held the snowball, and rolled me along until he was on top of me before he planted his and my own snowball in my face._

_'Ah! Stop it! You win! You fucking win!' I muttered while he was still rubbing that snow in my face. When he stopped, I rubbed the snow out of my eyes and looked up at the clear sky, laughing out of breath._

_'Haha! Twice in one day, I'm on a roll!' When he threw his hands in the air, he shifted his weight further back on my legs though, and I flinched. I didn't think he'd notice the small moment, but he did, and he looked down at me immediately with that look in his eyes. "Not again."_

_When he was about to step off of me I wanted to stop him with my silent "Please don't, it's nothing." But he didn't listen to that. He stood up and reached his hand out to help me._

_'This is nothing new, you know that. I'm used to it and I can take it.' I refused the help and stood up on my own, following him to a nearby bench in a place where fewer people passed by._

_'You flinched, it hurts. That makes it new. Can you show me?' We sat down and I looked at him for a couple of seconds before deciding on that. I decided to take a self-defensive road,_

_'…Why haven't you spent today with your family.' I almost got a snarl for bringing that up while he was trying to help me, and pulled my injured leg up by force, laying it on both of his. He zipped the pants open to halfway my calves, and then started to carefully roll it up until the poorly treated wound became visible. Poorly treated wasn't an issue for me, I heal well enough, but I could see it physically hurt Gon. He looked back up when giving his answer._

_'Today was a bust, Kito is down with a cold.'_

_'Then you should've stayed home and took care of him.' His little brother has a lot of issues, but catching colds was not one of them. It had been an obvious lie of him, and I didn't get a response from him after that. Things have been pretty tense over at his house, haven't they? And I haven't even given him the attention he needs for that._

_I kept looking at him while he started unwrapping the blood-soaked bandage around the cut. I'd refreshed it this morning, but I guess all the physical activity today hadn't done it much good – even though those falls hadn't hurt. The little quarrel just now must've made it rip open again._

_I shivered at the feeling of a cold breeze, and leaned forward to lay my arms around Gon's shoulders the best I could as a thank you for spending the day with me. He inclined his body a little to allow this, and I pressed him as close against me as I possibly could. I don't want to lose him. But I feel that like the way I'm ignoring him I will. That feeling hurts more than my leg, I want to do something about that._

* * *

'Should I let Illumi lead the coming sessions?' I shook my head.

'Why not?'

'You seem the more experienced one.'

'What if I say that I'm not?'

'Then you're a liar and I'd ask to be transferred to someone else. I can tell from you that you've handled a lot of cases. I don't know where Illumi's qualities lie, but he did something else before working here, that's for sure.' I nodded at the door through which the absent shrink had disappeared.

'But you're not an analyzer, so what if you're wrong?' He's not confirming or denying anything, is he? 'You exude different kinds of discomfort, depending on the person in front of you. Your discomfort with me is as I'd expected it to be, but towards Illumi it seems different. It's a deep rooted discomfort that has nothing to do with the person himself. Should I call him back so you can confirm this for yourself, or do you accept that I realize the processes going through you at this point?' _  
_

* * *

_'What happened?' I stiffened up when I heard a voice I recognized and Gon released himself from my arms to answer._

_'Ah! Illumi! Nothing too serious, just changing bandages. You live near here?' I looked up at the man and noticed the second person slightly behind him when he answered._

_'Actually we both do, nice to meet you.' I squinted at the redheaded man before giving him my hand. It didn't feel like he was lying, so we probably hadn't been stalked._

_'This is Hisoka, a friend whom I work with. That wound looks pretty severe, do you need assistance with treating it?' Right down to business are we?_

_'Don't worry, he's quite adept in addressing wounds.' I pointed my thumb at Gon. I wanted to flat out refuse them. It would heal just fine on its own either way, and Gon carried around all kinds of unnecessary stuff like a first aid kit any way. It's just the way he's been raised. Mostly his mom forced him to carry it along wherever he went because he got hurt a lot though. From what I've heard he wasn't the most careful kid around._

_'Really? I could use the help, it's about time I learned if I'm doing it right.' Gon scratched the back of his head a little nervously and I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. Had he made friends with this man in the two hours they'd spent together two days ago?_

_He looked back around at my incredulous expression to check if I was okay with this, and I sighed deeply. You're impossible, Gon._

_'Alright, it's fine, do what you want.' I closed my eyes and surrendered myself to Gon's whims. I lay my arm over the backrest and leaned my head on my hand. Lifting my leg a little to let Gon stand up and make room for my future shrink to take over. I looked down at his hands as he touched my leg, and didn't let those things out of my sight._

_He wrapped the bandage off completely,_

_'I take it you have a replacement with you that you were doing this?' Gon handed everything he had for this to Illumi when addressed,_

_'He always carries this stuff around, he's a clumsy kid.'_

_'You must have a very caring home then.' Hisoka started talking with Gon._

_**#####**   
_

_Caring home is an understatement. From what I've gathered in our previous conversation, he's being smothered because of the fragility of his little brother. Gon forcefully takes some freedom now and again._

_'I do, they just go overboard with this stuff. If they feel better with me carrying around all this then it's no problem though.' He gestured back at the kit next to me on the bench._

_As soon as I'd touched Killua's skin, he'd tensed up completely and kept close watch on what I was doing._

_I merely unwrapped the dirty bandages to take a look at the wound underneath, and glided my fingers over the tender skin next to it that was slightly turning purple. That was not a shallow cut, but he barely flinched at the feeling. He's used to pain? He'll probably need a tetanus shot for this wound though._

_'It'll heal better with stitches. We'll take you to a hosp—'_

_'Do it yourself or don't, I'm not going to a hospital.' Killua'd raised his hand to make me stop talking and looked straight at me._

_'Alright, do you have the necessary material for that in here?' I turned my head towards Gon and felt the surprise from both boys. 'I haven't done it in a couple of months, but I still have the skills.' I rolled his pants a bit further up his leg to create the necessary room if I was going to do this, but stopped doing so when I felt more scar tissue underneath my fingers. It's probably from long ago, but I felt a shiver from Killua and decided this wasn't a problem I could address right now. I retreated my hand. 'Then again, a proper cleaning should probably do the trick.' I had Gon's attention on me as well. He knew this happened more often to Killua, it was the real reason he carried a kit around._

_'I'm sorry, I can't handle things like stitches, so I don't have it on me either way.' He replied apologetically._

_'… …' I looked back up at Hisoka when I felt his attention on me, and exchanged glances with him. This wasn't self-harm. The pattern is too irregular for that._

_Still, knowing all of this, Gon had allowed me near his friend with the possibility I would find out. He's caring more about Killua than he is about himself._

_I reached to my other side to find some pre boiled water and tissues before applying iodine tincture._

_'The scars further up your leg heal badly though, I'll recommend a physician to look at you next week.' Tension increased with both the boys, but Hisoka softly laughed that away._

_'Ever so subtle, aren't you.' He directed at me with amusement in his tone._

_'We only have one body to live in, so proper care is a must. I don't care how it happened if that's causing the tension. I'll need you to relax a bit more before I can apply the bandages correctly.' I looked at him for a second when I actually felt the tension disappear. Seems unusual in this situation. 'Don't worry, I'm not your doctor until tomorrow.' I carefully applied pressure on the wound when I started wrapping it in. He seems to have a high pain tolerance though._

_'And even then it'll be mostly Dr. Lucilfer, won't it?'_

_'Yes, he's taking the lead the first couple of times.' I replied to Hisoka. 'You're welcome again the second Monday if you want to visit Killua.' I redirected at Gon. He just nodded while looking at what my hands were doing. He was genuinely interested in that, wasn't he?_

_'By the way,' I tugged on the bandage a little to make sure I'd applied it well enough while continuing. '…if you're still interested in analyzing me, Hisoka and I are about to go to diner. You're welcome to come along, and I will keep my mind away from yours at all times.' I looked back at Killua as I gave him his leg back and he rolled his pants back down. I heard a laugh coming from Hisoka's side._

_'I appreciate your kind gesture towards the boys, but I do believe they'd rather spend this night without us.' He raised his hand palm up in their general direction. Of course they would, but with Killua's true intentions lying so shallow at this moment it's hard not to confront him._

_'Hisoka's right, we have other plans. We'll see you tomorrow!' Gon quickly grabbed his kit again and took it and his backpack with him as soon as Killua already started walking away the moment he got his freedom back. Said boy raised his hand in a sort of goodbye before they disappeared behind some trees._

_'You're still a bit off, aren't you.' I looked back at Hisoka's smiling face._

_'It just happened yesterday, you can't really blame me.' I shrugged it off and started walking again, Hisoka following closely behind. 'I'll be clear again tomorrow.'_

_'Oh~, that's what I'm here for, aren't I?'_

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Except for the part after the ##### it's all Killua's POV; non-italics are his present day session, and italics are his final free day with Gon
> 
> Blergh I'm feeling a bit tired now that it's 2am here and I've already survived a beautiful Star wars weekend with friends, so I'm leaving it as is right now, enjoy~


	5. Chapter 5

_'Would you rather have Hisoka as your psychiatrist?'_

'He got a wholehearted no to that question.'

'There is a reason he's only put on certain cases.' After all had been said and done, Chrollo had called me back inside and I'd silently observed the rest of the session. What he said afterwards had been correct though, there was something about me that unnerved the boy, but it has nothing to do with me personally. Because of that, it seemed Killua's intentions were easier to dig out and it was easier to unnerve him enough to make him slip up now and again. 'Cos obviously he's been trained or trained himself not to say anything. It fit with the mysteries surrounding his family.

'Is Hisoka working on something right now?' He inhaled the last he could from his cigarette before dropping it to the ground and stomping it out with his heel. It was dark outside earlier than normal because of the clouds hanging over us and a cold wind blew past us; but still Chrollo had wanted to discuss this over a cigarette outside. I hadn't had the time earlier than this unfortunately.

'He's working on one full-timer and a temp. Although he seems to be interested in Gon.'

'Seems to be?'

'He hasn't said anything about it, but it seemed clear to me.' He turned his gaze from the dark clouds to my face, and I gave some of that attention back.

'You're a factual psychologist, right?' I nodded to that, and tensed my shoulders up slightly when another breeze passed us. 'I will have to get used to your use of language then.'

'I will never say something to be 100% true unless provided with evidence. So yes, I will often use "seems to be".'

'You're not shy about your abilities though.'

'Of course I'm not. I know what I'm capable of.' He laughed shortly and looked back at the darkened sky. We stood in silence for a while before he spoke up again, noticing my attention was still with him.

'I don't think it would be a bad idea for Gon to work through some things as well from what I read from your report. But if he's unwilling then there's little we can do about that.'

'He wouldn't say no, he'd be closer to Killua more often. But that would be too much contact.'

'You seem to be sure of that.' He turned his a little when he said that, but I shrugged it off. He turned his head with his body after that. 'We're upping the sessions to three hours, do you have the time for that?'

'I'm only working one other case at the moment.'

'I want you to take two hours of this extension. One with me, and one without me if it goes well.'

'This soon?' I cocked my head when he said this. I'd thought it would take longer than one session for him to give me this kind of responsibility.

'I'm not saying you'll get freedom immediately, but obviously Killua is more likely to tell _you_ things than me. I need you to find out what it is that's causing this. That's why I'll stay in the background, in case you don't catch that.' Sounded fair enough.

'There's three more sessions this week, I can have that information out of him by then.' He laughed a bit harder at that, and I raised an eyebrow at this reaction.

'There's no deadline. It will take however long it will take.' Right. A week. I looked at him questioningly. Is this the difference between him and me? He doesn't calculate but trusts his ability of reading people to get him where he needs to be. He only has a vague goal in the back of his mind, but his main purpose seems to be to just open someone up.

I have a clear goal set for the end of every session, calculated from previously collected data. This could take a little practice for our communications. But it had gone well today, so there was no need to dwell on that.

'My methods have worked well up until now, however I'm not beyond learning. I'll take note of the way you handle things.' He listened intently and seemed to be in the process of analyzing me as well. It's a state of mind for him, isn't it? 'The next session is Wednesday, what time do you expect me there?'

'Five in the morning.' He diverted his attention completely when he lit up another cigarette. We switched places when my hair almost blew into the flame of his lighter.

'You do this so Killua will have even fewer mental boundaries.'

'Yes.' We switched back again when he'd inhaled his cigarette once so I'd be out of the smell of smoke again. 'You're fascinating, you know that?' I looked at him, but I didn't get the look back.

'Next to my skills in this profession, what's fascinating to you?'

'You're practically unreadable. I know there's something there, but I can't see it clearly. Not even your voice betrays this. Have you been in the military? Have you been tortured?'

'I've never been different than this.'

'Yes you have been.' He turned to me completely when he said this. 'Everyone that starts working here gets screened thoroughly, and if there'd been a deficiency in your brain that caused this, you wouldn't have been hired. No matter what Zeno sees in you, he wouldn't be able to pull that through.' He started gesturing with the hand that held the cigarette in his enthusiasm. 'So I know you weren't born with it, and something happened. You have medical skills up until the point that can do stitches, yet you have no medical training in your background. None that has been recorded. On top of that, this blank slate of yours seems to be calming to most of your patients, when for most it should be unnerving because they don't know what to expect. You're a complete mystery.' He let his hand fall back to his side for a second to see how I'd respond to this.

I blinked a couple of times at this analysis of his. There's a reason my medical training is unknown. This week I would have to decide if it would be easier to tell him about it or to keep him away from the information.

'What do you expect me to do with this analysis of yours?'

'Not confirming or denying anything?' I shook my head as he blew out a new strain of smoke.

'If we're analyzing, then you seem to be getting a lot of pleasure out of it. You have little training in psychology and no practice experience before you started working here fulltime. That tells me you either have an overdeveloped part in your brain, or you've gone through something that forced you to develop this. Including your compulsion to train in the gym here every day it could very well be you come from an abusive family and you developed both your body and mind so you would never be caught in a desperate situation like that again. But that's just a superficial analysis because I don't actually know anything about you. Your past is so clean that it raises suspicion.' He sniffled when he heard me say that. I saw a flicker of interest in his eyes. Nothing as open and extraverted like Hisoka, but a subtle gleam. 'But you're not going to confirm or deny anything either, so the only other reason for starting this conversation is because this is your way of getting to know each other. Either for personal or professional purposes.'

'At this level I'd say it's mainly professional.'

'In your case, I'd say there's no difference.' He closed his eyes and shrugged at that. 'I'm going back inside after you finish this cigarette. I need to get my car keys if I want to make it home today.' He didn't stop looking at me, so I returned the favor. His fascination was insistent.

'You're not joining me for a workout?'

'I am more fit than you are without training here, what benefit is there for me to join you tonight?' I inclined my head to this question, but buried most of my face in the collar of my coat when the wind came straight at me.

'You often stay the night here, I am curious to your regime.'

'I'm staying here in the night from Thursday to Friday, I can join you then if you want me to show you my training. Hisoka will be there as well though.'

'I'll be looking forward to it.' He stomped out his cigarette again, and I followed him back inside.

Chrollo, he is working two other cases at this time. Both of them being hard ones as well. He either loves the challenge, or he has learned to love the challenge to keep himself on edge and learning, for survival purposes.

I looked up at the clock in the reception and calculated how long it would take for Hisoka to be done for the day. A mere twenty minutes wouldn't be enough to do some finishing work here, I'll take it home with me.

'I'll see you Wednesday.' I lifted my hand to say goodbye until then, and entered a different hallway to get what I needed. Hisoka had to work tomorrow, so we wouldn't have much time tonight.

* * *

_'Can I call Gon tonight?'_

_'From next week you can call him more often, but this week contact is not allowed.'_

_'My parents then?' He shook his head again. 'Is there any other way to contact the outside world then? 'Cos I noticed you removing the wifi cards from my laptop.'_

_'You need to understand your situation a bit better, Killua. The only reason you're not in prison is because of favorable testimonies. But when it comes down to it, you've been caught red handed almost killing someone that has nothing to do with you. If this person dies while in coma you will still go to prison.'_

Prison my ass, what the hell am I in now then? At least in prison I won't have anyone nagging at me. _But I wouldn't be able to see Gon or have any chance of getting out of there in the next couple of years._ I have to endure this, I have to survive the coming months. If I can figure out what their picture of curing me is, then I can play into it and get the hell out of this boring place. I'm not even allowed to touch my laptop without supervision. I can't even train my skills in a room without surveillance, my dad's gonna be pissed about it and there's no way to tell him about this now. I'm gonna be blamed for it, but I can't do anything about it if I want to fucking get out of here, dad!

'Tch…' I scowled at the dark ceiling above me. These first four days haven't been a picnic. About the only thing I can do for fun around here, is physical training. During and after group session this morning, I'd even been forced to stay out of my room and in one or another common room. I guessed I was supposed to socialize, but there weren't exactly kids my age here. Seems like it really is the heavy institution I researched.

I turned my head and looked out the window. It was a clear sky, and the moon directed its light straight into my… room. The light was beautiful, the room was… beyond basic. I had my own washroom though, I appreciated that. Seemed that was a kind of privilege here.

Either way,

_Sometime after group session, the scruffy looking man with long dark hair that had led it approached me. I'd been sitting alone by a table, typing away the specifics and happenings of this place out of force of habit. I'd remember it easily, but I was taught to do this._

_'Ah, you're the kid with whom nothing's wrong.' He sat himself down across from me, sitting sideways with his back against the wall. I didn't stop typing for even a second._

_'And you're the dude leading the group sessions.' Now that that had been cleared up._

_'Oi oi, a little respect for your elders.'_

_'Tsk.' He made me lose focus for a second and my hands stopped moving over the keyboard. I can't type and talk at the same time, unfortunately. 'Why are you bothering me outside of sessions?' I closed my laptop angrily and gave him an agitated stare._

_'You nearly killed a man.' It would've been my 94th complete kill if it hadn't been for… complications._

_'Your point being?'_

_'You see, that's what's scary.' Keep your pointing finger to yourself, thank you. 'You react like I'm talking about some candy shop robbery. You don't act like you're someone with problems, but at the same time you don't care about anything, do you?' I leaned my elbow on the table and rested my head on it, sighing exasperated at the usual comments._

_'Look, I'll go to sessions like I'm told to, I don't contact the outside world for a week like I'm told to,' He reacted to that, was that rule an exception for me? '…all I do on my computer is type, I sit in this room like I'm told, but I haven't been told to listen to or answer you at all. So don't get me wrong, but I really don't care about anything that comes out of your mouth. If I need some useless advice no-one's asking for, I'll know who to turn to.' In response he threw his head back and started laughing with his entire body. Not unlike I'm used to from some teachers, but it still irked me to see it._

_'Oh, you crack me up, kid.' Well, at least one of us is having fun. I turned my eyes away from him in boredom. 'Too bad you're not gonna be here for long.' He got my attention back with that one. 'Oh? Suddenly you're interested? Look, I know you all think you're different from one another. But when it comes down to it, it's either a means to escape the reality that is this world, it's accepting and abiding by the very basic laws of nature, or you have a brain deficiency.' He pricked his own head in demonstration._ Or you're trained in the art of killing people from the moment you can walk, and that's all you know. _He still wasn't fascinating me._

_'Why were you bothering me again?'_

_'You lost this this morning.' He shifted in his seat to get something from his pocket and threw it at me. I raised my one free hand to catch it and looked down at it. How had I… 'It lay beside your seat, thought I'd bring it over when I had the time.' I put the pendant back in my pocket when the surprise had faded and looked back at him._

_'That's what all this was for? Are you all this manipulative?'_

_'I believe that's your job,' He stood up from his chair, '…I'll see you again on Saturday.' He turned his back and raised his hand to wave goodbye before walking around the room a bit more, apparently making contact with others._

I looked at the pendant laying on the nightstand on the other side of me. The little gold thing had never suited my taste, and when I wear it, it's under my shirt. But it had been the rare occasion of a birthday present that had nothing to do with my work, so I always carry it with me.

I snorted when I thought about the impractical things Gon had given me that had been impossible to haul over here.

'No-one needs a 9ft wide trampoline, Gon, you idiot.' It'd been fun though. Even though I couldn't keep it at my home. When I'm allowed to leave here, even for a day, we're setting that thing up. No matter the weather.

I looked at the alarm clock behind the pendant and saw that it was still way too early to go to sleep. It wasn't even 10pm yet and I'm unable to sleep before midnight, what am I even doing here? Am I allowed to go out of my room at this hour?

'Well screw that.' I said as rolled myself off the bed and walked casually towards the door. I opened it, I saw the lights still on and a person here and there, so I decided it was still okay and made my way to the only place that had actually welcomed me these past couple of days – the gym.

* * *

'You noticed our visitor as well?' I nodded when Chrollo mentioned Killua at the far end of the gym.

A couple minutes ago Killua appeared and hid again around a corner leading to dressing rooms. He was keeping watch on me, and now on both his psychologists. If Killua's still hiding that he's an analyzer, then he's doing a poor job.

'He hadn't expected us.'

'He doesn't know the unwritten rule of gym usage yet, so can't blame him.'

'Either way,' I snapped his attention back; having Killua observe us is of no great consequence. 'I don't use machines for physical training, are you adept in any kind of sport that doesn't require them?'

'We're not waiting for Hisoka?' Although he'd gladly offered to join us tonight, I've learned not to wait for him,

'There's never a guarantee when he arrives for appointments like this. It's best we get started together.'

'Then I'm curious as to what you do.' He was assessing my physique at this point. I don't necessarily look strong, but someone sensitive to body language could see the strength in my body and he was looking at that when talking to me.

There was a kind of hidden strength in him as well. Training together was another way for him to test me, wasn't it? Although we were working together, it seemed I was becoming a project for him. For someone unable to turn off his mind though, that wasn't so strange. He most likely doesn't even see treating patients as work; more as a ways of satisfying his need for mental prowess.

'You don't use machines either, why have we agreed to meet here?' I spoke up,

'Quick judgment, but I do use them occasionally. I don't always have the time for other training.' Working three high level cases at once, that isn't a surprise. Are you reluctant to work on your body and have you simply adopted a physical training out of logic?

I stopped thinking this through when I realized I was going along with him by responding to his questions. I wasn't here to be analyzed, nor had I come here to analyze. Contrary to Chrollo, I enjoy feeling what my body can do.

'Could you stop analyzing me while we're training?' I shifted weight and inclined my head when asking this; he laughed a little when I spoke up about it. 'I am not your patient, and I refuse to analyze you as well. If you want me to figure out something about you, then you can just tell me. We know enough about each other to be able to work together properly.'

'Then tell me what it is you do for training, and we can begin.' The answer to that didn't come from me though.

'Am I still on time to join you?' I looked around when I heard Hisoka, for his doing he was early. He was probably more interested in seeing my interaction with Chrollo than training though. 'I think I would love to have a sparring session again.' I saw him enter with Killua following close behind him. The boy was feigning disinterest and looking away from us, but it was clear he'd been pushed in coming out of hiding.

However, Chrollo ignored our patient.

'You're a fighter? I would like to see this, we could spar in the basketball court.' He directed back at me.

'I wouldn't do that, he's a quick ender.' Hisoka and Killua stopped a couple of feet away, and all attention went to the boy when he spoke to me. Although the statement hadn't seemed to be completely intentional, he pocketed his hands and looked more confident when he noticed he'd surprised us. But still when looking at him, he kept his eyes averted. Chrollo asked him the obvious question,

'You've been around martial arts?'

'I'm interested in them.' It seemed easier for him to look at my supervisor.

'What makes you say I'm a quick ender?' Chrollo spread out his arms a bit in order to receive an answer, but Killua waited for a second to give it. Instead he looked back at me, and then around at Hisoka as well. This is more than just interest, he's sizing us up very quickly. Usually a sign of someone who's been in a lot of fights.

'You have the physique of someone with fast muscles; you evade, you attack, you're done. _You_ are a dodger, you look like you've developed the flexibility for that,' He nodded towards me, '…and you draw out fights, you don't look like you've necessarily received training but you have the stamina in your muscles.' And he gave another nod towards Hisoka. That was quite the analysis. He should realize he's giving away information about himself, is he reveling in having surprised us, or is he now saying this deliberately?

Either way, Chrollo seemed to be going along with this.

'You seem to be the catlike creature in all of this.' All attention went back to the man next to me. 'The way you walk, you're extremely light on your feet, you've learned to pounce, haven't you?'

'I'm not taking a challenge, if that's what you're aiming at. I'm just here to train a bit before going to bed. I have an early morning and I can't get to sleep yet.' He switched weight to his other leg and raised his arms behind his head. He is… genuinely not interested in testing himself against us. Or he's taking the safe road in order to gain good graces with this institution.

'I'm not challenging you, that would be unfair. You know this, and you're declining because of it.' His eyes darkened when Chrollo started this game though.

'It's not 5am yet Chrollo. Don't provoke him outside of our sessions.' I intervened. I put a hand on my hip and looked around at him. Chrollo must have come to the same conclusions about Killua as I have, but he seemed unable to turn his analytical nature off when provided with this chance to provocation. Apparently I needed to stop him from doing this.

I heard a chuckle coming from Hisoka's side, and a disgruntled noise from Killua. Apparently I have stopped Chrollo too late.

'Mah~, if the boy wants to fight, I know of a good match for him.'

'We're not pitting patients against one another, Hisoka.' I turned my head back to the redhead. I knew who he meant. If it would come to the choice between that man or either one of us, then we were the safer choice. 'Certainly not if it means Killua could get his neck broken mid battle.' The boy's attention snapped solely to me.

'I was talking about you, actually, not our dear Feitan. And you wound me, I've made quite some progress with him.' He raised his hand palm open again, he was more up for a fight than Killua was.

'It's good to hear that y-'

'I'll fight you.' I got interrupted by the boy, and I heard Chrollo's soft, amused laugh behind me. 'You look like you fight the same as a teacher of mine, and I could use something to do besides listening to you guys talk all day.' He got a low laugh out of Hisoka for that one. I looked back at him a bit longer. Fighting Killua would give him less resistance against me and that would be an overall bad thing. If I was doing this, then I needed to dominate the fight.

'Alright.' I closed my eyes for a second when it turned quiet around me, and Killua's fighting spirit increased immediately. Seemed like any disinterest he held before had disappeared at the prospect of beating me. 'If you feel the need to take out what you see as verbal assault in a physical way then I have no objections. But I don't restrain myself well, so I'd like for both of you to testify for me when he gets his physical check-up.' I looked around at both the other men in the room and waited for confirmation before looking back at Killua. It's obvious he's had a lot of training; he's eager to do this, but it doesn't show in his stance now that he's put himself in the mindset.

'You sound confident, old man.'

'I'm not a trash talker. We'll have to relocate to the basketball court for this.' I took the jacket off my body and was left with a slightly loose, sleeveless shirt for movement. Killua already stood ready to go, and I lead the way with all three of them following. If he was already challenging me to a physical fight, then I would have no trouble getting him to admit what it was that bothered him about me in the coming two sessions.

I haven't had a serious case in quite some time, though I clearly remember it never going like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> aw shit son, they gon fight!
> 
> And in the meantime the two psychologists are analyzing the shit out of each other.  
> I am building this up way too much aren't I.  
> But I like it when it has a good build up,  
> I love it even more when it happens over a realistic time span, but we haven't even cleared a week yet xD  
> Oh well,  
> Cookies for anyone that can already guess Killua's group councellor :3


	6. Chapter 6

'I apologize for beating you this hard.'

'Why are you apologizing? It felt goo~d.' I handed Hisoka an icepack to lay on his slightly swollen face. I hadn't expected Hisoka of all people to be a bit out of shape. 'Besides, it wasn't exactly one-sided.' He pointed at my shoulder, but he'd hit me on several other places as well.

'That's right, you like pain.' He let out a low chuckle when I said this. I never forget, I just can't fathom it. I can ignore pain, but I don't take pleasure from it.

'Aren't you going to thank me for taking over from Killua?' He leaned back against the wall a bit more comfortably and followed my movements very closely as I walked off to get some bandages.

'I could've handled it, but thank you for making it easier for me.' He laughed again as I left the room for a second. He'd had his fill on fun tonight.

First of all, when I started fighting Killua, I mainly dodged to see what he was capable of. His form was quick but unrefined compared to mine. The problem started when he landed a hit; I noticed it had to be over very quickly. The amount of strength behind the impact had nearly cracked a bone in my arm, and from then on I'd resorted to diverting his movements instead of blocking them.

This had been way too frustrating for Killua though. He slowed down, and his moves became sloppier but increased in strength… When I landed a kick that threw him back a bit, Hisoka had caught him by the shoulders and pushed him away at the moment he wanted to attack again. Chrollo then restrained him and took him away from the court after my fight with Hisoka had ended. In the meantime Killua had calmed down a little and observed the fight quietly.

'Even though taking Killua off the field was all that had been necessary; you didn't have to fight me.' I said while returning with what I'd needed.

'You know me better than that.'

'Yes I do.' I put down the first aid kit and took off my sweaty shirt, throwing it next to Hisoka where his lay as well. He'd drawn out the fight for as long as possible and it had been quite a workout. Although I can work on perfecting my form for a maximum of three and a half, maybe four hours, sparring takes a whole lot more out of me. After ten minutes I had Hisoka on the ground for a while, but we'd continued afterwards. It wasn't until I'd gotten a clean kick just below his knee that he forfeited for today. He'd smacked down quite painfully.

I kneeled down in front of him, and ushered him to lift his arm a bit so I could take a look at his side, just below his ribs.

'Ah~ I was quite mesmerized by your beautiful moves, but it seems you have a second admirer.' I pressed the flesh there, and looked at him to ask if he felt abnormalities. He shook his head. I have difficulties containing myself when fighting, especially when I'm drawn out as much as Hisoka does to me.

'I am aware of Chrollo's fascination, he is unable to turn his mind off.' I pressed a bit around the area some more, but flinched when I felt the bruise on my arm again. I retreated my hand and moved my fingers one by one to check where the pain was located.

'He got you good, didn't he? Is it a break?' He sounded pleased at the boy's strength, but I chose to ignore that. It's most probably a small contusion, and that's going to bother me since it's near the wrist of my dominant hand.

'Not a break. It's a good thing I don't need to take notes during sessions, but typing out reports is going to take longer like this.' Where did he get that strength from? What kind of techniques has he been trained in? I felt curious.

'I can do that for you if you like.' He pushed himself away from the wall and turned my head his way forcefully. The gleam in his eyes told me enough about his current state, and I pressed two fingers down on his bruised collarbone to make him let me go. He still grunted slightly in pleasure, but at least I was free, and I took my distance standing up.

'You're never giving up on this, are you?' I crossed my arms and looked down on him, his mood was still in that of a game. 'You're interested in intellect and physical strength, why don't you give this attention to Chrollo instead of me.'

'Chrollo's off-limits, you should be aware of this by now.' I cocked my head when he said this, and waited for a continuation. His smile slowly grew when he realized my lack of information on this. ' _Ooh~_ how very interesting.' _Obviously you're not going to explain though, so,_ '…very interesting.' I sighed and sat back down in front of him. He still needed his wounds treated.

'Have you told him about your… issues yet?' I flinched for a second. 'The combination of your peculiarities could become troublesome. I'd talk with him, if I were you. He's very much interested in psychological treasures.' That probably meant he was going to try and elicit reactions from me, wasn't he.

* * *

He hadn't said anything, not one single fucking word. I'd simply been plucked away from the fight and forced to watch from the sidelines before being dragged back to my room by my arm like a fucking five year-old that had thrown a tantrum. _I am a fucking assassin, treat my skills with respect!_ I wanted to scream that, I wanted some fucking recognition but I couldn't force it out of them and it was frustrating. I'm supposed to last months in here?!

'I'm well aware that you could break out of here with little trouble, and I appreciate it that you don't.' He'd never left the door opening, Chrollo. After a while of not responding I'd stopped yelling though. And in a moment of complete maturity, I decided to give him nothing but silence as well.

'I know you only do it because you understand your situation, but even just that helps a lot.' I'd laid down on the bed and turned my back towards him. 'What kind of martial art did you learn that punch from? Because judging from the fight Illumi shouldn't have had a hard time blocking it.' _I learned that little trick when I was seven._ 'I can ask again tomorrow morning of course. For all that it's worth to you, I'm impressed by how skilled you are at your age. However, displaying these skills with the charges you're currently facing is a bad idea. I'm not someone that will report them because I don't think it's a problem to us, but anyone else will. You hit Illumi with the intention to break his bones. If you'd succeeded, I would have sent you to solitary.' Solitary? They have something like that here?

'Sure, _now_ you act responsible.' I mumbled, but he heard it.

'I didn't think you'd go this far. Did you?' No. I'm supposed to keep a low profile, I didn't fucking intend to break my shrinks arm. That tends to attract attention. I rolled my eyes, and sighed at myself before I turned around and sat up with my legs folded.

'I'm not exactly with who I want to be at the moment, so fucking excuse me for breaking the limits when you give me the opportunity.' I snided at him, but his face was unchanging when he answered.

'You understand that we're putting you under stress on purpose to break through your shield, right?' My eyes shocked wide open when he said that, but he continued. 'That's the way you're thinking now, right? But we don't do that. I can speak for myself that I simply want to understand you, and the first step to that seems to be lying with Illumi. Would you have gotten to the point of wanting to break my arm if you'd fought me?'

'Yes.' I said in all honesty.

'Because I fight to end it quickly and you're trained to respond viciously to that?' _Well, fuck you too._ I pouted at his correct guess,

'Because both of you annoy me.'

'Would you have broken Hisoka's arm?'

'Yes. But he probably wouldn't care.' He lightly nodded his head that I was probably right. 'Besides, you guys can block it, so there's no problem.' He gave me a look that told me he knew I was spouting bullshit. The intent had been there. On top of that, my hand had extended to his ribcage before he blocked it. _Dear diary, I fucked up good today._ Where's a Gon when you need one. Why is that guy being so silent all of a sudden… The look in his eyes right now unnerved me more than Illumi's did…

'Don't underestimate us, Killua. That skirmish told me a lot about you, and Illumi even more. If you want to keep your secrets hidden, you'll need to do a better job. However, your body language tells me you want to come out of hiding about one thing or the other. So I've decided to be absent tomorrow. Illumi will take the session by himself.' I raised an eyebrow at that statement. He was going to leave me alone with that guy? After I nearly broke his arm?! 'If you've paid attention, you should know he won't hold a grudge for what you did today. Now, do you require medical attention?' I looked down and shook my head. I knew I was being scolded for my actions, but this wasn't exactly a scolding I was used to and it put me on edge. 'Then I'll inform Illumi, I'll see you again Sunday.' He turned around and walked away when he noticed I wasn't responding, closing the door behind him. I heard his footsteps fade away.

I… I was shaking.

This isn't how it's supposed to go after going out of bounds like that.

* * *

'…this is interesting.' I cocked my head looking at the scene before me, wondering what happened.

After yesterday's happenings I hadn't expected Killua to show up at my office in the morning by himself, so I went to his room to pick him up. I understood Chrollo's intentions when he asked me to take this alone; the boy is close to spilling one thing or another, and what we're doing with this is increasing the pressure for a moment to make that happen.

But it seems there is no more pressure needed. I lay down the door handle on a cabinet next to the door and looked around inside, but he really wasn't there. I stepped over the hurdles to the window and checked it for signs of exit. I slid my fingers along the frame, but there was no damage. It seemed all clear, but for someone with a mind like Killua's, it wouldn't be hard to exit without leaving a trail. He could've merely forced the door open to distract us.

I didn't hold that above him, but the rest of his room didn't indicate a clear mind. On top of that, I had the inkling he knew the consequences of leaving prematurely were all too clear to him.

I turned around again and stepped over everything he'd thrown on the floor, avoiding the cabinet he'd toppled over as well. _I should check the footage to find out where he is_. I stepped outside and closed the door as far as I could without a handle, but didn't get anywhere near security.

'I'm sorry.' Behind the door suddenly stood Killua. His head hung low and his hands were behind his back. He looked miserable. _Well that's a new look._

'For the room, for missing your appointment, or for wanting to break my ribs?'

'All of it.' He mumbled. Where did this sudden regret come from?

'You don't have to be. We're used to this and I can take physical pain.' I lifted my bruised arm that hadn't turned out as bad as I'd feared, and he glanced at it for a second. 'If you want to stop doing this, you can volunteer for medication?' He shook his head.

'Can we have the session now?'

'Can you focus or do you need to train a bit more before we start?' I could tell he hadn't slept, but I asked nonetheless. He needs to make the decision himself.

'I'm fine.' He pushed himself away from the wall and started walking towards my office. The thing that I'm reminding him of is a very negative influence on him, if it's making him do this. However, just now it didn't seem like it had anything to do with me…

'What did Chrollo say to you yesterday?' I followed him, and asked him this before closing the doors of my office behind us.

'Nothing.'

'Did he threaten you in any kind of way?' It was hard to imagine, but his provocations could have gone out of hand. 'If you're scared to confess I-'

'It has nothing to do with him.' He let himself fall down on the sofa and still looked away from me. I didn't know where to start. Bluntly asking him isn't going to work. 'This will reflect badly on my evaluation, won't it?'

'I can't cover up a broken room, it will be reported. I also don't think it should be covered up.' He looked at how I was carefully managing my arm.

'Your arm will be reported as well?'

'Naturally. Did Chrollo tell you otherwise?' He looked at it a couple more seconds before turning away again. I decided to sit down in front of him like usual. 'You will be forced to take medication, but I'm going to deny this. However, I will force you if I have the notion you're going to attack again. I will make that decision by the end of this session.'

**###**

_It won't work on me, even if you forced it on me_.

I wanted to say that, but the words didn't come out of my mouth. I have been thoroughly trained not to say anything. That being said, I gave away way too much information yesterday by losing my cool and starting a fight. Not only that, it was going to make me stay here longer and dad won't be happy with that… _I'm_ not happy with that. I won't be able to fucking make it if I go berserk from being on my own for less than a week. How the hell have I been able to survive without a friend all this-

…. That was it, wasn't it. Before Gon I didn't even know what it felt like to have one…

'I can tell you now that it won't happen again, you don't need to assess that.'

'I know you won't do it again because you realize what your actions have caused. However, it is a mandatory timespan I'm supposed to give you.' _Well hurray for that._ I looked back at him for a second, but wasn't able to hold contact. I hadn't intended to break his ribs, I'd intended to kill him. Intended to make up for past mistakes. I will either go nuts even more because of him, or I will be "cured" faster because of him. But after snapping like that, it will be easier to fake my getting better, even without him…

'I can't talk with you, I want you to be taken off the case.' I said coldly without even looking at him directly. I thought it would take longer for him to respond though,

'Impossible. You don't have a say in the matter.' Those words irritated me, and I felt the corner of my mouth twitching. 'It will not be any different than this until you confess what it is that bothers you about me. At the very least you've now admitted that I and Chrollo have different influences on you.' I scolded myself for having given that away, but I couldn't have kept that up either way. Not with his face in front of me for months to come.

'Of course you do, you're different persons.' I knew it would come over as bullshit, but my ego needed to answer.

'All you need to point out is the thing about me that bothers you. I don't think that's a problem for you.' Yeah, and as soon as I point out it's your appearance, you will link it to that dead man through me and back to my family and shit's gonna hit the fan. No fucking thank you. 'You're giving me calculating looks, so your rooted discomfort has nothing to do with my personality, but my looks?' I quirked an eyebrow when he came to that conclusion. I was giving calculating looks? Who said I was even thinking about you?

'I wasn't even thinking about that, you idiot.' I snapped at him, but he wasn't fazed by it.

'Ah, I was wrong? I could've sworn all of your attention was on me.' At that moment he stood up and walked around the sofa, stopping behind me. 'So it is about my personality?'

'Do you even _have_ a personality?'

'That's what I was wondering. Do I?' Somewhere I wanted to turn around to look at him, but I stopped myself from doing that.

'You don't know if you have a personality? What kind of lame ass excuse of a shrink are you?' I snided at him, but he already had an answer ready.

'Ah, but without a personality, isn't it easier to be objective about someone else?'

'How can you be objective if you never felt anything?'

'Having a personality is linked to feeling for you?'

'Well, if you feel something, it reforms something inside of you. So if you say you have no personality then I assume you've never felt anything.' I turned my head a little to let my voice reach him better. If every conversation was like this, then there'd be no problem getting through it, but that probably wasn't gonna happen.

'Isn't forming a personality more linked to reflecting yourself on others and forming a picture of yourself through that than feeling?'

'If you have formed a picture of yourself through others, you should be able to feel as well because of interaction.' He lay his hands on the backrest next to my head.

'Through a lot of reflection you can understand the reactions of people to certain circumstances, can't you?' I nodded and saw where he was going with this. 'So even if I have no feelings, I can still be able to understand others. But that's all assuming I have neither a personality nor feelings and I'm rejecting that notion.'

'On what basis.'

'On the basis that I have no brain deficiency that verifies this. That is the only evidence you will accept, won't you?' I nodded calculatingly. ' _You_ do seem to have emotions.'

'No shit.' I leaned forward and rested my head on my hands, looking nowhere in particular. _What made you come to that brilliant conclusion? That I wanted to kill you or that I thrashed the room?_

'Are those from reflections you've learned by being with your family, friends, or both?'

'From both of them and molded them into something of myself.'

'That's a technically correct answer, and probably the truth. However by now it's clear to you as well that you've admitted very early on that your discomfort has to do with my looks, doesn't it?' I closed my eyes and could've easily gotten a headache from the force my eyebrows were using to push themselves together. _I got more calm and open when he was out of sight…_ 'Everything mentioned here is still confidential.' _Not as soon as you find something incriminating._ 'Can you admit your discomfort is because of the way I look if I say we won't research into it?'

'You will anyway, no matter my answer.' Why they haven't done it yet is beyond me.

'That's true. And you know, I'm glad that not having me in your sight increases the effectiveness of these sessions.' I rolled my eyes when he said that. With just that little fact he'd already deducted his answer, I was being stupid today as well. 'However,' I felt a tingle traveling up my neck and it put me on edge, 'I am offended that you say I have no emotions. Are you going to take that back or not?' The slight tingle turned into a full blown shiver from my head to my toes and I felt survival instinct kicking in of getting the hell out of there. I wanted to suppress it in favor of keeping my cool, but I couldn't.

I stood up as calmly as I could and took a couple of steps towards the desk to lean against it before looking at him again, nearly mumbling my answer,

'My apologies.'

'Thank you.' The menacing aura around him slowly disappeared. 'Ah, sorry about that, I get carried away sometimes.' He smiled the words with his mouth, but his eyes still looked blank to me. _What in the living fucking hell was that just now?!_ 'Yellmi was it… right?'

'What the…'

'I guessed correctly? Of all the persons we could do research on, he looked to be the best match to our problem so I guessed it was him.' No, you fucking stay right at that couch, don't you fucking come near after pulling all this shit… You know too fucking much if you already know about Yellmi… 'I wouldn't be comfortable talking to a living corpse either.' _That's fucking it._

'I'm fucking out of here.' I said before walking past him and reaching for the door.

'Is it someone whose death you or someone you know has had a hand in? Because he had no relation to you or your family whatsoever.' I halted again for a second. 'Ah, but you would've been 10, so you probably weren't it.' I turned around in anger at that point,

'What the fucking hell are you guys playing at?! Am I just a fucking toy to you sick people that's gonna go to prison or the insane asylum either way?! Because if that's the case then I might as well say yes to everything you ask and get this fucking over with! You want to hear me say I'm insane? Fine! Just don't fucking dance around it!' I wanted to smash in the door behind me but my survival instinct was again saying I shouldn't do that. I bared my fangs at this crippling feeling.

'We're actually quite direct with you.'

'Fuck you!' I yelled before reaching for the handle again, ready to break it off,

'If you leave now I'll have you restrained to your bed as it currently is.' There was something he was exuding that kept me from leaving that room, it weren't even his words… 'Ah, have I now established a different personality than Yellmi? Do you see me differently now that I've shown you a piece of my personality instead of my blank slate?' I… didn't know how to deal with this anymore… 'I'll stop as soon as you sit down again, and we'll talk about something else, alright?' My hand was on the handle, but all it could do was shake. He was unchanging in giving me this eerie feeling, and I felt like I stood powerless. All that training – both physical and mental – and I could do nothing but shake?! Unacceptable!

I gripped the handle tighter and started moving it, but was stopped when Illumi's footsteps came closer.

'I will give you another choice then.' The menacing feeling disappeared again with every step he took towards me. 'If you stay here I will not report that you intended to kill me and I will deny that this Yellmi has anything to do with you.'

'What's in that for you?' I spoke up and noticed Illumi stopping a mere foot behind me.

'I'm not interested in what this institution thinks of you. I'm only interested in you.' A shiver went up and down my spine again for a whole different reason.

'I can't trust you.'

'You don't have to.' _Of all fucking shrinks in the entire fucking world I ended up with him…_ There wasn't actually a choice anymore, he was threatening me very effectively and I wondered if he knew _how_ effectively.

I let go of the handle and turned around, looking up at him and straight into his black eyes. _If I hear one more fucking question about your doppelganger I_ will _rip your heart out, no matter the consequences._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nah, just an analysis of a fight this time. Considering how much Illumi gets on Killua's nerves though, I reckon it won't be the last time they'll face of...
> 
> Oh, and hello philosophy, we meet again. If this seems like strange behavior for psychologists to you, then you are correct.  
> This is not your normal institution. I lovingly dub this institution,  
> "The institution of- and for oddballs"
> 
> And a "mehehehe" for changing Chrollo's thieving to a psychological nature.


	7. Chapter 7

_'That wasn't a very smart thing to do.'_

_'I don't want to hear that at this moment.'_

_'One step further and you might've….' Hisoka deliberately stopped there, I didn't need to force him to. 'So you're taking the next session as well?' I sat back up on the couch and started tying my hair back again. Although I didn't have physical contact with Killua, I haven't used that little trick in a long time, and it had caused… complications. Combined with the session as it had been today had proven difficult for me to handle._

_'I'm meeting with Chrollo in two hours to discuss that.' Hisoka stood up from the ground and picked up his previously discarded phone in the process. It's not a good thing if I have to visit the redhead in the afternoon._

_'Ooh~ that sounds like an interesting meeting.' He ignored his phone immediately and looked back at me quite amused. I wasn't giving him this one though._

_'I'm not backing down.'_

_'Do you think that's fair though, working out your own issues through your patient?' He set his hands on my legs and slid them further up while leaning in closer. He stopped with his face an inch away from mine. I am a hypocrite._

_'There's nothing to work through, I just have it. And I will maintain professionalism.' I grabbed his wrists and pushed them off my legs while standing up._

_'You sound so sure of yourself. But still…' He didn't step away though, and we were still close. I replied like I always did to this situation._

_'I am fully capable to deal with this myself if you become too troublesome.' He chuckled before taking some distance to open the door for me._

_'See you next time.' He made a curtly bow, but I walked past him without responding or looking at him. Although it's nothing I can work through, I need to find better ways to handle it. It's getting harder to keep Hisoka away when I don't actually need him._

* * *

Tomorrow Gon was finally allowed to come by… they'd told him he could be here any time after my session, but I'm still laughing at that. I was imagining Gon getting up to be here at eight in the morning. Oh he was going to be here at exactly that time, but the look on his face was gonna be priceless. I'm surprised he ever got good grades for anything with that sleepy head of his in the morning.

I smiled away at that prospect through the window in one of the common rooms; it was snowing again. I'd gotten a temporary bedroom while the other was being fixed, but even the common room is better than that tiny thing. At least here they've learned not to come talk to me without a purpose other than small talk. I may have sent one or two crying with just talking, but that's not very difficult in this place.

The physical checkup had been a joke, by the way. They were allowed to assess any abnormalities on my body, but not allowed to draw any conclusions from that. That was reserved for my shrinks. During this morning's session though, I'd heard nothing about it. Not even Yellmi was mentioned again. Seemed he'd at least been honest about not bringing that up again. You'd think that after finding the scars on my legs he'd start talking about the vague wounds on my back or over my chest, but no. Nothing. _Like I needed any more confirmation that Illumi was a weirdo though._

I sighed and looked back at my laptop. I'd made a beautiful documentation which Gon was allowed to take home. I'm pretty sure he's not gonna hear everything I have to say tomorrow, so he's gonna need it. And it's not like I got so much else to do around here.

'How's Illumi treating you?' I turned my eyes up when I heard Chrollo's voice on the other side of the table.

'Hello to you to.' I looked out the window again, but he sat down in front of me either way. 'I'm being harassed outside of sessions now as well?'

'No, this is purely an evaluation of my colleague.'

'Isn't everything you need to know in his documents? I don't want to talk with any of you if it's not obligated.' _You shrinks always seem to have a way of getting one conclusion or the other by "just talking" with anyone._

'Then I'll make it obligated.' Jesus Christ, the persistence of these guys… I sighed again before looking back at him and answering.

'What I think of Illumi right?' He nodded. 'He's creepy. He never shows what he really knows but never lies either. He doesn't show anything except that one little trick of his that induces fear – which was completely out of line, by the way – and he makes me fucking uncomfortable. Happy now?' He gave a slight nod again.

'Does it feel like a personal attack, or just general.'

'Just general.' It doesn't seem like he's interested in contact with anyone at all, why would it be personal? Do my shrinks have bad communication?

'What do you think triggered him to use it?' I looked at him for a couple of seconds with an accusing look, he was already going inside my mind again instead of staying focused on his colleague. Still he patiently waited with a friendly face for me to answer. _What the hell are you guys._

'I was about to leave the session early.' I looked away, ready for more questions, but,

'Thank you. Enjoy the rest of your day.' He stood up and lay a hand shortly on my shoulder before walking past me and out of the room. Seriously? That was fucking it? I think I'm gonna hit the gym again before I'm gonna kill someone tomorrow.

* * *

'You're calling me? Is it urgent that you do this after ten?' I looked up at the clock hanging on the wall in front of me. Sunday evening and for a change I'd actually made it home. I've only been home for one hour and had just sat down comfortably to get some rest; only to be interrupted by my supervisor five minutes later over my house phone.

_'I want to come back on something we discussed two days ago.'_

'Ah, you decided I can't use that method anymore after all?' I raked a hand through my hair and leaned back in the chair. When I told him how I'd kept Killua in the session then, he'd shown some doubt, but hadn't spoken up about it.

_'No I'm okay with that, but I have the feeling there's something missing from both your verbal and written report.'_

'Something missing?' I blinked at that statement. I hadn't left anything out, had I? That would be the first time. He remained quiet for a second before answering.

_'You sound genuinely surprised.'_

'I am because that's impossible. I never leave out any technical detail, so you're not talking about that.' If, in the highly unlikely possibility, that was the case, then I was somehow distracted, and I refuse to believe that something as inconsequential and new as Killua's case was doing that to me.

_'No I'm not. To some extent I can understand the reasoning in what you've told and written and I can follow what you're saying, however…'_

'You're saying there's something in there from me that you don't understand. It is motivation behind certain words, isn't it?' However what Chrollo is asking for is an explanation of something from my past, and I still don't have the need to discuss this with him. 'But if you can understand the reasoning, then there's no problem.'

_'I'm going to sit in on the session tomorrow, I'm curious to see your interaction.'_

'You've seen it before.'

_'Not like the way you've described it.'_

'There's no need to tell me you're going to do this, you know I don't take anything personally. It wouldn't impede on our cooperation if you would just show up to watch. Are you doing this out of curiosity or out of professional courtesy?' Seeing as that he called at this time I figured it was the first one. He laughed shortly,

_'This is purely because I like to understand these interactions.'_

'Then I will see you tomorrow.' After he'd said his goodbye as well, I hung up and looked at the phone a little longer. That Chrollo was interested in what motivated me was nothing new. That he'd called just to announce this _was_ something out of the ordinary. Was he now interested in that little trick of mine as well? He's hoping to find more information about me through that?

I lay the phone down on the table and stood up to get something to drink. If he was more interested in me than Killua at this point, then I'd rather not have him in the session tomorrow. However, he has the authority to be, so I can't refuse him if he insists.

At that point I stopped walking towards the small kitchen and turned around to go back to the phone. If tomorrow morning was going to be the way Chrollo wanted, then I'd ask the question I certainly wanted answered by my patient right now.

I dialed the number of the reception and asked them to put Killua on a private line with me. While waiting for this, I decided to get my drink either way, and waited leaning against the kitchen counter. It took a while, but I didn't expect Killua to rush to the phone,

_'What the fucking hell did I do to deserve this?'_

'Ah, Killua, one question.'

 _'First Chrollo bothering me, and now you again? Aren't the sessions long enough already?'_ Chrollo had talked to him today? _'You just out for the same stuff? Wanna know what I think of that guy?'_ I cocked my head when I heard that. He'd asked Killua what he thought of me as an individual? If I won't read about that in the paperwork, then I need to take some measures to make him more cooperative.

'I don't have need for that information.'

 _'Then get this fucking over with, you guys don't let me get any sleep either way.' Although that doesn't seem to affect you._ I pushed myself away from the counter,

'What do you recognize as love?' It was a basic question, but it hadn't been important up until now. For the information I want to get from Killua next, I need his answer to this.

 _'…Are you fucking kidding me?'_ He sounded exhausted.

'… …'

_'Are you obligating me to answer as well? 'Cos I sure as hell don't feel like answering a question like that over the phone.'_

'If that convinces you to answer, then yes.'

 _'You're all the fucking same…'_ A silence fell over the line for a while. I still heard him breathing, and walking around a bit before answering. I was waiting for an answer not from the textbooks, else that would mean he either didn't know what it felt like, or he was too tired to think of something himself.

 _'Alright,'_ I perked my ears when he spoke up again. _'I can't really answer if I don't know what kind you're talking about. So… in the first place it's something that makes you feel happy whenever you see someone, right? You feel comfortable, free, it's fun and relaxing, no questions asked, you know it's there. It can also be… god fucking damnit, do I really have to do this? It feels weird over the phone.'_ Slowly I walked back to the living room with my drink.

'Yes you do. I thought we were clear on that.' He sighed deeply before continuing, and I put him on speaker when I sat down on the couch. It sounded like he was talking more about love he felt towards Gon than towards his family with that description,

 _'It's also a sense of loyalty, that you'd do anything, no questions asked 'cos you know they'd never make you do something that'd hurt you.'_ There was spite in the last part. I got exactly what I wanted.

'Thank you. Then one last thing in regards to your time and activities with Gon tomorrow…'

 _'Shoot.'_ I heard a quiet thump, he'd probably sat down against the wall,

'How much privacy will you be needing, because we have a room without surveillance specially for maximum privacy visits.' There was complete silence on the other side for a couple of seconds. I hunched over the phone a bit when it took a while,

 _'What?!'_ I leaned back again in response to the volume,

'You won't need it?'

 _'Fucking hell no! He's a_ friend, _a_ friend _, can you comprehend that?!'_

'Then I won't reserve the room for you, I'll see you tomorrow.' I heard some disgruntled noises coming from the other side before I hung up. Not a relationship then. I'd wondered about that from the moment I saw them together in the park. The depth of what I saw with Gon and Killua alike then, had looked either like brothers or lovers. I will come back on this tomorrow if I can.

* * *

'So… you're here too?' I leaned back against the wall next to the door and gave Chrollo a disgruntled look. I'd hoped to just have to deal with Illumi today like last times. Although the less experienced one seemed to be more straightforward he was still unpredictable; but not as unpredictable as Chrollo seemed to be. I barely had any time alone with him, and I had no fucking clue what his angle was. I don't care that he said he was only out to help me. There's no such saint in the world, and most certainly not someone like him. Someone that kept a friendly face at all times.

'I'm taking care of your parents today, so I thought it good to hear some more live instead of reading reports.' I huffed at his explanation and pushed myself away from the wall. _You just don't want to come over as a lazy fuck._ He seemed like the complete opposite though.

'That's why we're talking about your family today.' _You'll not hear much if that's our subject._ I turned back to Illumi as I pocketed my hands and let myself fall down on the couch lazily.

'Fine, fire away.' I snided and looked away slightly, leaning my head back on the rest.

'How old are you.'

'Excuse me?' I lifted my head again immediately. 'Fourteen.'

'What day were you born?'

'On a fucking Wednesday. We've been over this in this first session.' Did I time travel back to a week ago?

'Both your parents are alive?'

'No they're not. You're meeting with ghosts in a couple of hours.' I side glanced at Chrollo, but he kept an even face as usual.

'What are their names?' I hung my head and sighed.

'Silva and Kikyo Zoldyck.' What kind of game was he playing?

'Any siblings?'

'Three, Milluki who's older, and Alluka and Kalluto who're both younger.'

'Nephews or nieces?'

'Not that I know of.'

'Where do you live?'

'21-23 Kukuroo road.' He was firing simple questions at me so he could catch me off guard? Or was he simply testing if I could lie?

'That's a big house, how can you afford it?' Most of all he was testing my patience though. I felt my eyebrow twitch and I got my hands out of my pockets, leaning my arms on my knees.

'My dad works as a merger/takeover specialist, we have a high income.' Sure, mergers. I folded my hands and looked at him irritatingly. I inclined my head a little.

'What does your mother do?'

'She worked at the same company as my dad before they had me.'

'That's where they met?'

'Yup.' It was a good thing I'd spent a lot of time in the gym yesterday.

'When was this?'

'Almost thirty years ago.' How long should I play along? I could stop, but _he_ probably wouldn't, and they would hold me here longer. Chrollo seemed to be eager to see where this was going as well, there was a slight change in the way he looked at the scene. _So you_ are _capable of changing expressions?_

'What does your mother do now?' My eyes turned invisibly back to Illumi in front of me.

'Been a house mom ever since I was born.'

'What's been your father's place in your upbringing?' Should I throw him off by pausing now and again?

'You mean what kind of dad he is?' He nodded. Shifting in his seat to match my position. That was a cheap trick, and nothing like him. So he was trying to belittle me? He was annoying me to throw me off?

'He's at work most of the time, but when he's home he teaches me how to fend for myself.' I'll keep an even voice and rhythm to his answers then. I can lie just as well as tell the truth, there's no difference.

'Physically or mentally?'

'Mentally.' Not entirely untrue, he supervises my verbal skills now and again.

'What's your mother's role?' _Making sure I do as I'm told._ They were both so stoic today that it _was_ throwing me off a bit. Fuck.

'She's there when I need her, but she still hasn't grown out of her separation anxiety, she smothers me.' That was perhaps not the best choice of answer. She hadn't shown any problems letting me go here, after all. Illumi never stopped asking though, so perhaps it was alright. _Yeah, not fucking likely._

'You get in trouble now and again, right?' _Why do you think I'm fucking here._

'Yeah, mostly school pranks.'

'How do your parents discipline you for that?'

'They ground me.'

'That's it?' I nodded leisurely, but knew I'd fucked up with that one. It's the answer that's been drilled into me and it's not a lie; these cuts are from training, not punishment.

'You're interested in martial arts?'

'As are you.'

'What sports do you practice or have you practiced?'

'I'm a genius at martial arts, I do several at the same time now.'

'You combine them into your own style yourself?' Nodding… 'Did you teach yourself that punch earlier this week as well?' I kept nodding. _No I haven't, dad taught me that and it nearly killed me learning it._

'Then I would agree you are a genius.'

'Thank you.' Somewhere I liked it that I finally got some recognition, even though it should go to my dad. Surviving those training sessions made me a fucking genius though.

'Not a problem. Do you get a lot of compliments?' I changed the motion to shaking my head slowly.

'I'm expected to be a genius by both my parents. They have high hopes for me.'

'I wasn't necessarily talking about your parents.'

'Doesn't matter.' _I missed a nuance in his sentence, this is getting dangerous._

'For what do they have high hopes for you?'

'No fucking clue, they just want me to give all I have at everything I do, they don't accept less.'

'That's hard to live up to.'

'Not very.' Like there was a choice. I never even considered a different life than what they offered me; and surviving through the day under hardships that pushed you harder each and every time was just the life I lived.

'It's a way of life for you then? How is that, now that Gon has shown you a different way?' Alright, this needed to end fast if he was already up to guessing my thoughts. I leaned back and lay my arms wide over the backrest. While having this interrogation, Chrollo had disappeared into the background completely and such a half-hidden presence made me itchy. _You don't do this unless you're an enemy or provoking me._

'I thought this was about my family, not Gon?'

'You're entirely correct. Is Gon like family to you?' My eyes narrowed a little when he asked that question – remembering the talk yesterday - and decided to talk around it.

'For the sake of moving this along, no he's not.' It hurt a little to say that, but I can't tell if Illumi picked up on that.

'How do you define family?' He inclined his head, that wasn't a good sign either.

'The ones I'm related to by blood.'

'Therein lies your loyalty?'

'Yes.' I was starting to feel apprehensive of where this was going, but kept an even voice and look through all of it. This had to do with his questions yesterday, he was trying to pinpoint the feelings belonging to my different relationships.

'So by your definition you have no loyalty towards Gon?'

'Of course I have loyalty towards Gon, he's my friend.'

'But your blood relatives come first?'

'Yes.'

'If you were told by them to harm Gon so they could survive, would you listen?' I couldn't keep an even gaze with that question. I narrowed my eyes more at him. This was the first time he'd hinted towards the reason I'm actually here and he chose to do so just before Gon's visit. I was not appreciating this.

'I can't answer that. Because they would never ask me something like that, they know what he means to me.' _They know exactly what he means to me, that's why they told me to…_

'Then you chose on your own volition to-' I stood up and wanted to walk away when he was about to say it, but refrained from doing so, remembering the last time I'd attempted this. Illumi followed me with his eyes, but didn't even let out a hint of wanting to stop me. He was so fucking sure I wouldn't walk away that it pissed me off even more.

'It was a series of unfortunate events that came together. Nothing more.' He stared back at me blankly until I'd sat down again.

'Very unfortunate indeed.' I knew I was stuck. I'd shown signs of being trained more than I should be at my age; that together with that they knew I cared about Gon and would never choose to harm him voluntarily; put all of that together with the reputation my family has of being ruthless in one way or another… Illumi and Chrollo were too perceptive, I wouldn't be able to mislead them very long… I sincerely hope dad can fix this situation as quickly as possible. _They learned too much about me through Gon._

'But would you harm Gon if they asked you to?'

'I still can't answer that.'

'Would you be able to?'

'Physically, yes.'

'Mentally not?'

'The only reason I'd consider was if I had to choose between him and my parents.'

'Who forced you into the series of unfortunate events?' Alright, I can work on this notion that I was forced by someone outside all of this.

'No-one.' I gave a slight hint of a lie, and he stopped talking for a good while. He leaned back and turned his head towards Chrollo, apparently silently communicating with him. I goddamn swear they're telepathically connected. After a couple of seconds, Chrollo nodded and turned to me,

'I'm taking over for now, Illumi's going to take a break.' Break my ass, he's going to investigate, or wants me to think he is.

'I'll be back in half an hour.' They both stood up from their chairs, and Illumi left without looking back. I followed him with my eyes until Chrollo appeared in my periph. My eyes shot back at him as he sat down. He waited 'till I had my full attention on him before he spoke up.

'So, now that you've been given the freedom to leave without anything or anyone stopping you,' So that's why Illumi left? 'Would you care to tell me, where did you learn to lie so well? It's not often that I have trouble discerning truth from lies. Although you did give away you felt cornered when Illumi offered you a way out of our accusations towards your parents, and you took it with both hands. So either way it seems your parents are involved in what you did against Gon or there's a secret surrounding them that you won't share. However, because Gon could get in the way of their expectations of you they're probably not fond of him, are they?' For the sake of keeping up appearances, I hoped that there was still blood in my face. How the hell could they…

'… …'

'Not answering? You know we already understand a lot about you, but you will never directly admit anything so we won't be able to hold anything directly against you. I could always revoke Gon's right to visit, but you still wouldn't talk. Because in past actions you've shown to be willing to go against him for something or someone else. I could also keep you here indefinitely, but I'm sure whoever's manipulating you would act against that in one way or another.' I knew this, I already knew they figured out this much. But even from them I hadn't expected they come out with their findings so easily. 'This is all based on the fear that we'll either find out something incriminating about this person manipulating you, or that we find out something about you yourself.' _Those are closely related._ 'This fear is based on getting locked up or hunted down, and is ungrounded.' He stopped longer after having said that and just looked at me. Is he some kind of freak that gets pleasure out of analyzing like this?

'Of course I'm not looking forward to being locked up, I won't have much of a life left. Let alone if he dies while in a coma.'

'Safe answer. The problem here is that you're so preoccupied with not saying anything,' _I_ can't _say anything,_ '…that you're missing a vital point with both me and Illumi. And that's the reason we've been put on your case.' He paused for a second before leaning closer a bit, 'Neither of us cares even a little if you're guilty or not, and it's not why we're asking you these questions.' I quirked an eyebrow at that, he said this before…

'… …'

'I'm guessing it will take time before you believe that, that's why I'd upped the time on our sessions.'

'If you want me to believe you, then why do you leave me alone with Illumi all the time?'

'Believe it or not, because of your history with Yellmi, you have the inclination to be more frank with him than with me. No matter how much you hate that.' He smiled when he saw the reaction in my expression. How can I _not_ react to that face. 'Although it seems verbally you've adapted quite well to his presence. Now if you would be so kind to indulge if the place you learned to lie is the same place you got those scars?'

'If you're so sure I'm not going to talk, then why ask me?'

'You don't need to talk for us to find out what we need to know. Like I said, we're not interested in "evidence". If you won't say anything about them, then I'm going to assume they've been caused by your parents. From what your physical examination told me, the wounds had been inflicted on you over an extended period of time and with your acting skills, you wouldn't be able to hide them from your parents for so long. And if they would've found out, they would've acted against this person and you wouldn't have had a similar fresh wound just last week, would you?'

'… …'

'Are you waiting until I've given you my full analysis so you know how to retort next time?'

'I'm quiet because none of this is correct.'

'Oh? But you have indicated that your parents push you a lot so you will live up to their expectations. It wouldn't be uncommon if those wounds came from either them or the martial artist they may have hired to train you.' _Gon, I could really use your company right about now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh fucking snap snap SNAP  
> Ya better watch out Killua, 'cos Chrollo's Z-snapping all over the place today.
> 
> Yes, I am putting a lot of thought into this story.  
> These are high-grade psychologists (plus they have their secret pasts that have made them sharper of course), and they will notice the small things in mannerisms and the words that their patients say. So I will have to be just as scrutinizing as they are. I love being that way though.
> 
> Cooperation between Chrollo and Illumi is starting to show cracks though. How will that end?


	8. Chapter 8

_'You've gotten less responsive than usual, what happened while I was gone?'_

_'Which part of the information I gave were you researching?'_

_'I wasn't.' I'd genuinely stepped out because Chrollo had asked me to, and hadn't gone back in until he was done. I would read in his report at a later time what had happened, but that didn't do me any good at this point. The boy looked up at me, distrustingly, and he wasn't about to start trusting me any time soon. 'What would you like to talk about?' I sat back a bit to give Killua the room to answer, but he still didn't. Not even after a minute of silence. Had Chrollo completely shattered his trust or was it that Killua was now trying his best not to trust us even though he started doing just that?_

_'If you're going to remain silent, we can al-'_

_'No we can't.'_

_'Ah, thank you for talking! That makes things a lot easier. Now tell me, do you have objections to facing Chrollo alone? It seems to have a strange effect on you.'_

_'I have objections to all of this, don't ask stupid questions.'_

* * *

'Uwaaa~ you look horrible!'

'Hahaha! You're one to talk!' Once I was finally released from their claws, I was greeted by Gon on the other side of the door. 'How can you even function at school, it's not even that early!' I laughed just before I let the brightness of his smile sink in and I fell silent. Somewhere behind me I still noticed the presence of Illumi, but it was drowned out for a second by Gon's assaulting hug. For a moment I didn't know what to do and hung my arms awkwardly in the air. After that I just laughed and closed my eyes when hugging him back. He let go when Illumi spoke up again,

'I don't know how long your school will permit a visit, but there is the possibility of staying until 5pm. You can go anywhere in and around this facility – Killua knows where and where not to go. If you have the desire to go out, you will contact us and we'll consider the risk.' I can go _out_?! No-one told me this before! 'However, that will be no more than two hours, and you will not leave my sight. The moment that happens will be the moment we will have no other option but to send you straight to prison. We have ways to find you that you don't know of.' I got chills up and down my spine when I felt Illumi doing his little trick when he said this. I visibly reacted to this, but Gon didn't take notice of it, he just replied happily,

'Ah! That's good news Killua! Where do you wanna go?' _Anywhere away from here is just perfect, thank you._

'Mah, didn't you have a ton of ideas already?' Gon's presence was drowning out those of the other two, and I relaxed some more. I raised my hands behind my head and smiled back at that idiot. He looked confused though, 'Haha! I knew it, you're still fucking sleeping!'

'You know I'm not good at early hours!' _Luckily didn't stop you last week,_

'You had dozens of ideas last time, where did that- ow!' I retaliated the punch I got to my head for my insult and grinned like an idiot while doing so.

'Let's just go into town, 'lright?' He finally suggested. I lowered my arms and pocketed my hands before answering. Even just that is good enough.

'Fine by me, I'll go get changed. I'll give you a grand tour of this place when we get back. Don't fall asleep when I'm gone.' I grinned back evilly at him before darting off, he was completely unable to follow. I looked back at his sleepy expression and laughed; thank god for this guy.

I stopped instantly and raised my hand when I remembered one specific thought from last week though. Gon cocked his head and looked at me questioningly,

'Hey!'

'What?'

'Remember your birthday present to me?'

'Ah!' His face lit up together with mine when he remembered. 'But that's more than two hours away! We can't do that.' His face dropped for a second before lifting instantly again, 'There's bound to be a playground with that in the neighborhood though! We'll look for one.' I laughed at the determination in his entire posture. No matter if he'd be able to succeed or not at this time of year, he was bound to do his best now.

Just for me…

Turning around and quickly walking back to my room, I did have to assess the situation for a moment. Illumi would be keeping an eye on us at all times. Although normally not intimidated by that, he _did_ spot my equipment easily last time and is apparently quicker than I am when it comes to fighting. I would probably not be able to escape. Not only that, but if I would hightail it out of here, I would become unable to see Gon again. I would be claimed dead by my family and not be able to do anything else than my job for the rest of my life. It's better to just enjoy the visit instead of trying something funny today.

Besides, my stay here was being taken care of by my parents either way, I didn't have to do anything, and it was preferred I wouldn't. _I can just have fun with Gon today then._

That little thought quickened my pace a little.

* * *

_'Does it make you uncomfortable that his analyses are correct? Ah, but that should give you more discomfort to me as well. Are you mentally worn out by these conversations? Is that it? You're used to physical adversity but not so much lasting mental? Or is it because you've become aware of other ways of life through Gon that this is mentally-' He stood up at that point._

_'You know, I don't fucking care anymore. Do your little trick, see if it stops me from walking away.'_

_'Alright. I won't.' Walking towards the door with determination, I asked one last thing. 'Are you tired because you're not used to dealing with honesty in your life?' He stopped instantly and his fist connected with the wall just as abruptly, almost cracking it. He turned his head around just enough to let his voice reach me better._

_'What part of_ anything _of this has to do with fucking honesty?! I'm here so I won't go to prison, you guys are constantly telling me you're not interested in sending me there but still hold it over my head whenever I don't fucking cooperate. Pre tell where in the fucking hell honesty comes in!' The volume of his voice raised considerably in the duration of that sentence. I inclined my head when I noticed this was the first open honest thing he'd admitted._

_'My apologies.' His fist stayed connected to the wall, 'I've insulted you. You won't leave anyway because you are aware of the consequences, I will not hold a futile thing like that over your head again.' Giving him that little leeway shook his resolve for a second. Perhaps he realized what he'd just done. He stood silent, contemplating, before speaking up softer,_

_'Don't fucking threaten with keeping me away from Gon either.'_

_'Ah, you think we do that to provoke you? But that is not a threat, it is a legitimate consequence of your actions. You have been given privilege of extended visits from him, but the right to that privilege will not stay if you do any more things like trying to kill me or destroying your room.' Carefully, he pulled his fist away from the wall and lowered it to his side. These couple of minutes have been the most profound progress we've had up until now. The prospect of his friend visiting does a lot for him._

_'Why are you giving me that privilege..?'_

_'You don't know enough about your relationship with Gon compared to the understanding you have of the way your family works.'_

_'That's it?'_

_'Did I sound like I wanted to continue?' His head turned back to the wall slowly, and it took him a while to push away his pride and sit down in front of me again. He didn't look back at me, 'You can still leave.'_

_'Tch…' It was all he responded with to that. He had a lot of excuses in mind for his actions, obviously, but he didn't use them. He's afraid of ruining things with Gon._

_Let's give him a reward to ease the tension of last week,_

_'You have a lot of reasons for leaving this room and I'm not giving you consequences for it, so in exchange for staying I'll give you something as well.' His eyes shifted towards mine, calculating. Of course I'm not obligated to give him anything, and he was wary of that, 'Next session alone we'll reverse the roles, and you can ask and analyze me.' That wouldn't be until the end of the week though, Chrollo will be there in the next couple of sessions._

_His eyes narrowed when I gave him this._

_'You think there's a catch?'_

_'Of course there's a fucking catch. You won't tell the truth, will you?'_

_'I will or I won't, depending on what you ask. But that's not the point, is it? It's about you wanting to analyze me from even before we met. Do you specifically_ want _the truth?' I leaned forward a bit more, but he backed off just as much when I did. 'Ah, apologies, you realize this is a question to determine your relationship to honesty.' Silence, but he didn't look away. 'You have a lot of curiosity, I like that. If you're wondering about the second motivation behind this choice. Ah, but I don't think I can promise to tell the complete truth at all times about me though, I have a rather strange past.' I leaned back again and put a finger against my chin, looking up slightly in contemplation. 'It wouldn't be fun for you if I'd just tell everything, so that works out.' I smiled and dropped my hand again. There were conflicting thoughts going on inside of him concerning this offer. 'There's nothing to fear, why are you doubting? Do you think I will go back on my promise? There's no reason to, I can tell you anything I want.'_

_'… …' I cocked my head at his silence until I realized what he was doing._

_'You're analyzing me already?' He huffed amused when I said that. 'Then you're looking forward to it, that's good.' But still, no matter how much he tries to adapt to the way I look, he keeps being uneasy because of the resemblance. Except for his decision to stay – which was based on Gon instead of me or his family – all of his answers are chosen in fear. Although it gives for interesting answers and makes it easy to analyze him, I would need to up my physical training quickly if I were to continue on that feeling. Fear is strong within him, and it will make him lose control more than before._

_Should I try making him more comfortable with me and seeing how that works out?_

_… No._

_If I do that, I will become dishonest in my questions, and Killua will notice, shutting down._

_'Gon will be here at eight, right?'_

_'Yes.' He doesn't care that he's transparent about Gon. He genuinely wants to save that relationship – for as far as that's needed. Perhaps Hisoka really should talk with the boy a little, he has the time._

_'Will my parents be here as well?'_

_'They won't be here until five.' He nodded absentmindedly. Reconsidering, it's a bad idea asking Hisoka for favors. Certainly at a point where I don't know how the coming months with Killua will go. 'Chrollo will talk with them first before you. There will be constant visual surveillance, and you can cut it short. I recommend sitting out the hour you have with them.'_

_'Why?' You need to ask this? My eyes reflected this question, but I answered when he remained silent._

_'If there's tension, then it's better for it to burst then instead of the coming week where you will assault one of us again.' He laughed a little when I said this,_

_'There won't be any bursting.' He muttered more to himself, but I picked it up nonetheless,_

_'There's too much consequences if you do?' He blinked back at me that I'd caught his words._

_'None of your concern.'_

_'Alright.' I will prepare for the questions that are sure to come._

* * *

Oh how I loved getting away from that institution. I still can't believe I'm fucking away from there. I stepped outside those gates - led by Illumi and followed by Gon – and for a while I could forget everything that went on in there. If I could see Gon every week like this, even if it would be just these two hours, I would make it before they break me. I'm sure of it.

'I'm sorry.'

'Don't look so fucking sad about it! It's winter, chances were slim either way.' I gave him a nudge against his shoulder when we passed on the swings. Of course we hadn't found a playground with a trampoline at this time of year, I hadn't counted on it. That he'd tried was enough for me.

'Next time I'll bring it with me!' He smiled back at me. Now and again I saw past him, and Illumi sitting on a bench a couple of meters away. His attention was completely on us, but he didn't seem to be listening actively. The hell I know though, he's fucking unreadable. For others this scene must look like a single dad taking his sons out. Boy, were they fucking wrong.

'You're not gonna fit that thing in the bus, you moron! If you try though, I want pictures.' I stuck out my tongue at him, and laughed when I saw a renewed determination on his face. 'You're actually gonna do it, aren't you?'

'Why wouldn't I? I can do it, and it makes you happy.' Those words struck through my heart with a force. I love it when he says that without even realizing what it does to me, but it also stings. I still have a lot of guilt surrounding this entire situation. _I never meant to put him in this position._ 'Why're you stopping?' Unconsciously I'd slowed down during those thoughts. It were these feelings that had kept me in the session this morning, and the man observing us knew this all too well.

I looked up at him for a second, before repositioning myself on the swing. I sat down on it sideways, facing Gon, and swung with him a little, holding on to the chain.

'Mah, tell me how school is going.' I smiled a little awkwardly at him, he started pouting a mere second later.

'Let's talk about something else.'

'Oh come on Gon! I promised to be out of here in time for next school year, you better keep to your side of the promise as well.' I changed the direction of my swing when he stopped as well, and poked him every time I came near. I saw how that started annoying him, and felt evil continuing this. 'Come on, come on, what's the news, what's going on, tell me about all the juicy new gossips.' I set my feet down and stopped when Gon mimicked my position and suddenly started looking enthusiastic.

'Ah! You're missing out on something great! Ms. Bisque will actually be away for the rest of the school year starting next week. But she promised to be back when you'd be. She actually said it like that.' I lifted my leg to give him a weak kick when he brought this news, he snickered in amusement,

'Well fuck her too! What's her fucking excuse?'

'Complications or something, early maternal leave.' I stopped and blinked at him a couple of times before I yelled out,

' _She's pregnant?!'_ Even Illumi blinked at the volume, Gon cringed and rubbed his ears in reaction.

'Ah~ how can you not know? It's all she talks about in class!'

'Like I ever listen…' I toned it down again and admitted this ashamedly.

'Mah~, can you teach me how to learn without listening then?' I snorted at that awkward face he was making. He's so honest about his flaws,

'I'm sorry, that's an inborn talent.' I stuck out my tongue before he pushed himself towards me to hit me, but I evaded sideward. I let the swing find its own balance again when Gon ceased his attack. 'But if you need tutoring, I can help if you bring some stuff along.'

'No way, I'm not doing that to your free time.' He adamantly shook his head and I snorted again,

'Idiot, doesn't matter how, spending time together is always free time for me.' I surprised all three of us when I said it out loud. These are things I always think, not actually say…

'Then I'll bring some next time, I have a short Monday either way.' I can't, I'm going to burst if you keep saying these things, Gon.

'Just to clarify, these two hours are permitted every week, but the extent of this first visit isn't.' We both looked back at Illumi when he spoke up. 'You get a maximum of nine hours today, next week will be five.'

'Still plenty of time.' Gon looked back happily at me. 'With your genius tutoring I'll finish school even before the year ends.'

'Oh hell yeah, if you fail then it will be because of your own brain.' He swung towards me again and hit me on the shoulder. I laughed it off, but I knew of the other reasons Gon might fail and guilt crept up to me again, slowly.

I lowered my hands on the chain until I reached the seat and gripped it tightly there. I started pushing myself back and forth a bit nervously when I felt I had to ask. I wanted to pretend it never happened, but it did. I need to bring it up sometime if I want to keep him as a friend, don't I? I wanted to look him right in the eyes, but couldn't entirely when I whispered,

'Gon…'

'Yeah?' He noticed the change in mood and toned it down a bit as well. I can't believe I'm finally asking this,

'How's your dad doing?' I closed my eyes for a second when I noticed all movement and sound stopping in front of me. I knew his dad wasn't dead, else I wouldn't be here anymore, but still…

'They say he's not in a deep coma. They're actually pretty positive about him waking up in the next couple of weeks. No lasting damage as far as they can see when he does.' I looked down at my hands and strained myself to breathe normally. 'This is the first time you asked about him since then.'

'Yeah, well, I _am_ kind of responsible.'

'You know I don't hold you responsible, you…' He stopped when I looked up for a second, reminding him of the third person in this scene. 'Thank you for asking, I'm happy you did.' I looked up at him more permanently. 'You're always walking around like you have to do everything yourself, I'm glad you let it out a bit.' How… how are you so fucking altruistic?!

'I'm asking 'cos I'm worried about _you_ , you idiot! How's care for Kito going now?' I started blushing during my answer, and when Gon saw, he threw that stupid grin back at me.

'It's nothing out of the ordinary, you know dad wasn't home that much anyway.' But still… 'It's harder on mom now that we have only one income left though, but we get by.'

'Do you… need some extra money?' I asked very carefully. I'm allowed to keep part of the money I earn, I could share it, but…

'It's okay.' He doesn't accept where it comes from. He started swinging to the side again a little, 'If it ever becomes crucial, I'll ask you, but it's okay no—wowOO….!' I stood up and shot out my hand when Gon toppled over and fell down in the snow covered sand.

'Are you fucking okay?!' Illumi almost stood up as well.

'Hahaha! I'm alright, everything's alright!' He turned around on his back and raised his hand in the air while laughing it off. Why had Illumi reacted though? He wasn't responsible for Gon's health, he was responsible for getting _me_ back in one piece.

'You idiot, how are you a martial artist.' I sat down again on the swing and laughed at the ridiculous sight before me.

'Hey! I'm good at martial arts, I suck at daily life, don't judge me!' Are you kidding me? You're way better than me at daily life,

'Stop laughing, that's not something to be proud oo-wowO..!' I was too late at grabbing the chain again when Gon grabbed one of my legs and pulled me off the swing in an instant, landing me next to him. I rolled over on my back as well, and I instantly started trying to keep Gon off me, but the laughing fit stopped me from succeeding.

'See? I'm better than you.' He stuck his tongue out at me when he'd put himself over me and pinned my shoulders down in the snow.

'Oh? I didn't know this was a contest?' I wanted to lift one of my shoulders, but was surprised when I wasn't able to. 'When did you become this fucking strong?'

'Always were.' I squinted at him when he suggested he'd been going easy on me and stuck out his tongue again. 'You just don't want to ki—' No matter the shoulder, I lifted my hand in a split second to cover his mouth. I know I'm different and stronger when I'm in for the kill, but Illumi doesn't need to know that!

With my eyes wide open in shock and gritted teeth, I begged him to rethink what he was about to say. I darted my eyes towards the third man and saw that he was as unshaken as he ever was. I removed my hand when Gon seemed to get the situation.

'….ah, euh, kiss me.' I dropped my hand dead flat and inclined my head, giving him an incredulous look when he did a poor job at recovering. He smiled back awkwardly, letting go of my shoulders. I gave him a hit against his head for saying that.

'That guy almost gave us a private room for doing just that, don't make him think we actually want that room.' I whispered at him, and he started to laugh more loudly than he'd done before and threw his head back. His laugh was contagious, and it drove the serious situation out of me in an instant.

'Really?' He had to ask when he rolled off me.

'I'm fucking serious man!'

'Man, you have a weird shrink.'

'You're telling me!' I sat up again and wiped away a tear from laughing.

'But hey,' I turned my head back towards him, '…it's doing you good to be away from your normal life a while.' That this was true was actually quite sad, wasn't it? 'Hey!' He sat back up as well and lay his arms around me for a moment, catching me by surprise. He whispered in my ear, 'It's gonna be okay.' At this point it didn't really reach me, but I lay my arms loosely around him as well for that second. _Stop worrying about me, as soon as I get out of this place I'm back to my old life either way._ 'Don't cry.' He asked before letting go of me. I wiped a sleeve by my eyes in case that had started happening. 'Have this snow instead!' Because of that action I hadn't noticed Gon grabbing some snow, and as soon as I'd dropped my arm I got a snowball pushed in my face.

'Fucking hell..!' I got pushed back a little before I decided to retaliate. 'You're not getting away with that!' I missed him though, and marginally Illumi as well. He seemed unfazed by it all, and the blankness of his face after evading tickled my funny bone. Gon took this chance to hit me again, and I took some distance to make it a proper snow fight. Too bad it's only two hours, but I'm getting all I fucking can out of it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There, a little fun break after a week of torture  
> *throws comforting blanket over Killua*  
> "There, there. It'll all be alright."


	9. Chapter 9

'You promised him that?'

'Yes.'

'You're an interesting man.'

'That's the reason you're talking with me right now, isn't it?' It's been a long day, and in between me and Chrollo, we didn't have time to talk it over until the evening; it is 9pm by now.

He took a break in answering me while we walked outside. The snowing had stopped for a while, and the wind had as well, so the fresh air was welcomed.

'I take it you're not going home tonight?' I shook my head while still looking for a bit of shelter against the building so Chrollo could light his cigarette. He doesn't seem to be addicted, it's more of an after-work habit.

'It's more efficient if I work through this here. I have to prepare some things for my other case as well.'

'I'm staying tonight too, I probably won't sleep today anyway.'

'You look like you haven't slept yesterday either.' I glanced shortly at him to verify what I thought earlier. He took the cigarette out of his mouth and laughed at that statement,

'Thank you, luckily it doesn't impede my judgment.'

'How did the meeting with Killua's parents go?'

'Zeno took that over from me, you'll have to talk with him about that.' I inclined my head upon hearing that.

'What was the reason for that?'

'Emergency call from one of my former patients.' He blew out some smoke into the night before turning his head to face me, 'How did Gon's visit go?' I waited a second to answer, something felt off about his explanation. But he gave me nothing more than a patient, relaxed look,

'Killua professed gratitude towards Gon, which apparently was the first time he did so verbally.'

'That's good progress you're making then.'

'What was the emergency?' He started smiling when he answered with another question.

'I'm taking the backseat with every session this week, I feel like you're missing something with him.'

'I have no objections, however he's more unapproachable when you're alone with him, so I sign against that.' His smile didn't change, and I finally pocketed my hands. There's no wind, but it's cold nonetheless.

'No problem, I've noticed that that's not the most efficient way either.' He looked away when he put the cigarette back to his lips.

'Will you be there when he's allowed to ask me questions as well?' He slowly shook his head. 'Good, it would reduce the effectiveness of Killua's questions with both of us in the room.' After that, Chrollo dropped his arm and let the cigarette fall to the ground, setting his foot on it to make sure it was out.

'Do you like me?' _Excuse me?_ He turned his entire body towards me, and I reciprocated the attention. My silence ushering him to continue. 'Apparently it takes a certain kind of person to be able to work with me, and when they actually work well with me, they mostly tend to be people that are interested in me. So do you like me?'

'I don't quickly have a fondness of people. I can work with you, that's good enough.' A small silence before he replied,

'You really are an odd one.'

'I hear that more often.'

'You understand why, don't you?'

'Don't insult me.' He lifted one of his hands and seemed inclined to touch my face, but stopped a couple inches away, I half kept my eyes on it,

'You are a functioning element in this society without having the need for contact. How many times will you encounter someone like that?'

'Can you decide if you're going to touch me or not?' His hand was still hovering in between us before my words made him retreat it. 'I'm not an exhibit, and you will not treat me as one.' I've conditioned myself to function without contact, because of the implications when I do have it around people like him. Fighting seems to be the only exception to this.

'I'm sorry to have offended you, do I have permission?'

'What reason do you have that would allow you at this point?' He looked at me with great interest for a good while. In the meantime I was on the verge of driving him off forcefully. This interest of his was getting in the way.

Ultimately he just closed his eyes and lifted his head a little, softly laughing.

'My apologies again, I seem to have misanalysed.' He looked up at the sky for a moment before returning his attention to me. 'What would be the consequences I'd have to deal with?' I cocked my head at him and narrowed my eyes a little when he asked this. I was getting seriously offended that he expected answers to this. 'Am I an exception that I'm receiving hate this quickly with you?' His eyes told me he was enjoying our talk.

'Do you want to feel special?' I raised my head a little when asking this. He shifted weight on his legs. 'Your questions are indicating that you either want that, or want to be close to something that is. But in the end those two are the same, aren't they?' If he'd be accepted by "something special" then he'd be special as well. His lips opened slightly, but closed just as quickly again. He knew there were retorts to this, but none of them would convince me to step down from my statement. 'If it's touch you want, we can still spar tonight, or else I'd recommend Hisoka.' _Wait…_ His lips upturned again,

'I will take you up on your offer if I find the time tonight.' Chrollo was off-limits, right? Was he aware of this himself that he was making advances like this? Why was this even? 'I'm suddenly interesting to you?'

'Why are you off-limits?' The amusement on his face instantly disappeared.

'Someone said this?' I nodded once,

'Hisoka. He likes to be touched, I suggested him to approach you but he said that in response. Why are you off-limits?'

'You're asking me this directly?'

'I was speaking loud enough, wasn't I?'

'That is one question I will not answer.'

'Will it hinder our work?'

'No.'

'Hisoka suggested it would.'

'I can guarantee it won't.' He lowered his head and turned away at that point, sighing deeply. He didn't seem inclined to blackmail me for my curiosity, so it's a heavy subject for him. I can't say that it didn't interest me, but if that's the case, then I'm not risking anything. I closed my eyes and mimicked his sigh,

'I'll write the report for today, I'll see you when you feel like sparring. I don't care about the reason why Hisoka said it if it doesn't impede our work.' I turned my head towards him a last time, but there was no response.

I started walking back to the main entrance, but was halted at the last couple of feet by the sound of movement behind me. With the intensity he was now exuding his interest, I was certain he'd grab me… But it didn't happen.

He never took a step, he just repositioned himself against the wall. I looked back at him for a second. The look on his face didn't nearly match what he was exuding, but it gave me the clear message that he was apparently not off-limits when it came to me.

This was far from the ideal situation to me, with two of my co-workers like this.

'Illumi, a second of your time.' I heard my name getting called the moment I stepped back inside and turned to see Zeno walking towards me. I stopped the instant I spotted him,

'Zeno, do you already have the report on Killua's parents?' I saw he held some papers under his arm, but he shook his head and stopped right in front of me. I opened my coat to the warmth inside.

'I don't have the time to write it out, I will give you a debriefing on that in a minute.'

'Should I get Dr. Lucilfer then as well?' I lifted my hand and pointed a thumb over my shoulder towards the door. I was surprised when he shook his head slowly,

'I need you alone first. We'll get Dr. Lucilfer after we're done.' I dropped my hand and raised my eyebrow when he said this. What had happened that had to do with me personally?

'Alright, your office then?' He nodded again and started leading the way.

* * *

_I don't need fucking stitches, I'm fine, I've had worse and survived without you idiots._

'Hold still.' I wanted to frown and glare at the man in front of me, but that was the point of it all, Illumi was stitching just above my eyebrow. If it _has_ to be done, then I'm not gonna move while someone has a needle in my face. I can do that much. But fucking hell had they pushed this treatment on me. This wound hadn't even been my parents fault, it'd been my own stupid mistake, and I was more than embarrassed because of it.

'Are you almost done?' I moved my lips again when Illumi stopped for a second to look at it. I had to admit, he really did seem to have the skills for this. _Question for Sunday added to the list_.

'Two more minutes.' I'd been able to conceal my wound for a good while, but it seemed that group therapy guy had seen me clean it up in the bathroom by the gym. In hindsight, hitting the gym hadn't been a good idea with a fresh wound, but fucking hell I'd needed it. I think I'm gonna ask for more time in the basketball court. There's a camera here and there, but I've learned to work around that.

Meanwhile, the apparent head of this institution was sitting quietly in the back of this office. I thought they finally figured out what I really am that I was sitting here, but even if they did, they weren't showing it. Was there really any consequence if I never directly admitted what I did? That would give me a whole lot more freedom, but I can't act like it's that way. That's way too dangerous, considering what's at stake.

'Alright.' He rolled back on his desk chair a bit to look at it, and I carefully moved it, getting the clip out of my hair that'd been there to keep it away from the wound. I need to wash the blood out of my hair, apparently. I was fixated on the stitches for a while before I noticed the silence in the room, and saw Illumi had been staring back at me all the while. Embarrassingly so, I'd refused to go to the resident doctor and may have yelled that Illumi could also just take care of it. I really, really didn't like the resident doctor here. 'You don't look like you're used to sutures.' Was he referring back to my leg? 'Do you need an explanation on how to dress them?' He inclined his head a little, but I just closed my eyes and shook my head.

'I know how to deal with this.' Although it was long ago, I have had stitches. He calmly put everything back in the kit and handed it back to his boss.

'I will get Dr. Lucilfer, then.' Said man stood up from his desk, and headed out the door, followed by the eyes of both of us. He left it open slightly. In response to my skin feeling weird just above my brow, I lifted my hand to touch it, but stopped a couple inches short.

'Those can be removed in a couple of days, it barely needed this treatment.' Yeah, well, Nobunaga had been insistent enough on me getting treatment either way. And I can't beat up another employee here, now can I. 'You know this, you've had worse.' He sat back down in the desk chair in front of me, but I refrained from looking up at him. 'I take it from our sparring session that your leg has healed quite well?'

'It's fine.'

'Has it bled again?' I shook my head. Not true, but it was closed now either way.

'Zeno didn't -'

'I'm not answering questions outside of session.'

'Did your-' I looked back at him with a glare, I thought that he at least could take a hint. I looked away again when his lips stopped moving. _No my parents didn't fucking do this, they've been able to keep their life a secret with better skills than that, thank you._ I folded my hands together and looked around the room a bit. Seemed like most offices looked the same here. It felt different, but that's more probably because the man in front of me isn't the owner of this place. When seeing picture frames on the desk to my right, I realized I hadn't seen those in Illumi's office. That's not unusual, not everyone wants their private life looking back at them while at work. Did Illumi even have a private life? He was here almost 24/7, wasn't he? He _must_ have a house, else I would've been asked to plant surveillance in his office by my parents. With the frequency that he's here though, it was probably still the better option.

'All our offices are the same concerning size and furniture.'

'There's always something personal.'

'You're interested in Zeno.' I shifted my eyes back up to him and leaned back.

'I tell you you can't ask questions so you make statements that'll make me respond?' I huffed at this technique, and started glancing over the other side of the room. There was an uncomfortable silence that followed my words, and it started making me more tense. Instead of casually glancing around, I started forcefully ignoring his attention on me. Apparently it took a while for Zeno to find my other shrink.

'Is there a reason you threw a tantrum that cau-'

'I'm. Not. Talking.' I hissed through my teeth. Why was I even still here? Couldn't they discuss this shit without me here? Isn't that normal?

'Are there any other wounds you-'

'What is your fucking problem tonight?!' I shot my head back and yelled at him. All he did was stare back at me with that blank stare of his.

No, wait…

It wasn't blank, there was something there… what was it? Goddamnit mom, I'm a genius, but not so much that I can learn to read faces over night!

He inclined his head when my stare lasted longer than intended, and I sighed, looking down. _Congratulations on being a fucking enigma._

'Ah, my apologies, but you're very interesting to me today.' Glancing up, I confirmed he had that fake smile on again. 'You seem to have found motivation to stay here.' Well, it's not like I'd done a hell of a lot trouble hiding it, had I? Although it was still going to take a couple of weeks to get me out of here, might as well get some tips on being an actual friend to Gon. I need to keep emotions to a minimum though, they will take advantage of that.

'That makes me interesting?'

'Of course. You have two different lives that you're looking forward to. Only it seems that they're mutually exclusive.' I glanced away again, 'Your parents have high expectations of you, don't they? I reckon having friends gets in the way of that and you're so awkward around Gon because you don't know how friendship works or feels. So I don't believe the life your parents want you to have is compatible with the life you're discovering with Gon. It's interesting that even though you're inclined towards him, you still want both your lives, you take pride in the genius-like title your parents have given you.'

'Who said my parents don't allow me any contact? I can have friends when I want to.'

'Ah, but it seems you can't.' I felt my eye twitch when he raised a finger saying that. How the hell had he figured this out? 'Gon will not leave you though.' He put the finger against the side of his face,

'Thanks for the vote of confidence, but I already know that.' I lifted my hands and raked them through my hair, making it jump every which way.

'Knowing is different from realizing.' I threw my head back and laughed loudly at that statement. Those are fucking basics of psychology, and he's coming at me with that? 'You _want_ to have connections outside of your family, but you've gone against Gon before for something apparently more important and up until now the only other important thing in your life seems to be your family. So either someone threatened your family, or your family asked you to disable or kill Gon's father because that's the only way to destroy your friendship, and you could refocus on the expectations and life they're giving you. That would be rather extreme, but I heard from Chrollo about his theories considering your scars so it wouldn't be unthinkable. Am I wrong?' _You expect me to fucking answer that?!_

'If I answer will you stop staring at me so creepily?' I lifted my head again to say those words, I was shaking on the inside, and I know it was heard in my voice a bit. _What hellhole of interrogation have they spawned you guys, you're way too fucking perceptive._

'I'm creeping you out? Ah~ that's not good.' He cocked his head and looked back at me for a second before standing up and removing himself from the room. I followed him all the way out of here with disbelief. I blinked at the half open door through which he'd disappeared. What the hell had just happened?

I wanted to quirk an eyebrow, but when I felt the stitches there again I stopped from doing it too much. It didn't feel like they were going to break, but I don't remember anymore how much strain I can put on them. I glided a finger across them. _So this is how a professionally treated wound feels like._

I stood up and looked around for a reflective surface for a second to see how it looked, and decided to open a curtain and use the window.

'Looking for us?' I turned around when all three of them entered the room again. One minute later and Illumi was okay again?

'Just looking around.' I let go of the curtain and moved back to the couch, all the while watching the man with long hair move his way across the room and take a seat further away. He sure as hell wasn't back to normal yet. What the hell was going on with him? 'Why am I here? I just accidentally hit my head.' Pointing lazily at the hidden injury above my eyebrow.

'There are cameras in the room you met with them, Killua.' Zeno sat down behind his desk again, and Chrollo took the place in front of me. I was aware of the visuals that'd been recorded, but we'd been promised there were no audio recordings, and we made sure our lip movements were unseeable at all times.

'So? You can see the proof to what I just said on there.'

'What was there to see on them?' Chrollo addressed Zeno, but was ignored and instead my shrink turned back to me. 'Care to tell me yourself, then?'

'It was nothing. I had a little falling out with them, and I fell against the table when I got mad. It's nothing exceptional.' I threw my arms wide and let myself lean back casually.

'Why did you get mad?'

'Nothing exceptional, I disagree with them more often.'

'You're leaving out a crucial part, Killua.' We all looked back at Zeno when he said this. What was he trying to do? He was belittling his own employees, this wasn't meant for now, I shouldn't be here.

'I'm not leaving out anything important, I can get angry at them for a lot of reasons.'

'Isn't it better if we handle this in session Wednesday? He's being cornered right now and we have no clue as to what happened, which makes it impractical to discuss it at this moment.' I looked up at Illumi's retreated form in the corner by the window. _You have another reason than that to get out of here, and I want to fucking know what it is._

'Did you come here for those sutures on your own accord?' Chrollo just now noticed there was an actual injury, and leaned forward to brush my hair to the side to take a better look. I inched back a bit when he did.

'He was forced by Nobunaga and he refused seeing Dr. Machi.'

'Machi is back on duty?' Chrollo turned around to Illumi when he gave this information. Who was Machi? I didn't know that guy. Was probably the same as the one that examined me though. Illumi nodded slowly, 'Then you took care of this?' Illumi nodded again, and it took Chrollo a couple of moments before he turned back to me. 'I'm not participating in these questions at you now, I agree with Illumi, we need a briefing first.'

'No shit.' I huffed at them and was ready to stand up and walk away. I hesitated for a moment, expecting Zeno to stop me, but he didn't. I looked back at him a last time when I stood up,

'It's okay, I got what I needed.' I squinted a little at him, not able to figure out what that was, but I shrugged it off and raised my hand in goodbye when I walked out the door and closed it behind me. _Jesus Christ what a day._ I casually knocked against the wall next to me now and again while walking back to my fixed room. I still had way too much energy to be able to sleep, perhaps I should take a detour back to the gym… better wash this blood out of my hair first by the way. I don't want any more unwanted attention.

I stopped for a second and smashed my fist a little too hard into the wall when remembering this evening. I still can't fucking believe it… Where in the ever-loving hell of their minds had it seemed like a good idea to put me back on the hit of Gon's dad once I get out of here again?!

* * *

'He doesn't have any other injuries?' Ultimately when Killua had left the room, Zeno had gotten the footage from when the accident happened. It really did seem like an accident, but a very unfortunate one. He should have more than just a couple of stitches above his eye.

Zeno shook his head to my question.

'Then he has very thick skin, I don't see the problem.' It also meant that whatever caused the lacerations on his leg had been made with either quite a force or a very sharp object. I looked down at Zeno, standing behind him and his computer with Chrollo.

'The problem is how he doesn't catch himself. He's a trained martial artist, you informed me of this.' Both me and Chrollo nodded, and I leaned over Zeno to take the mouse from him and skim back to the fall again. Playing it in slow-motion a couple of times, I had to agree that someone with his capabilities should've been able to land better than this.

'This is very peculiar indeed. It looks like either the presence of his parents makes him so enraged that even his muscles forget how to react, that he staged it, or that he'd been drugged. But neither of those makes sense.' I had to agree with Chrollo on this. If his parents made him so clumsy, then he'd never be referred to as a genius. Plus he seems to like whatever life he's living with his family to some extent so he wouldn't get _that_ angry. Exactly why the second option doesn't add up either, unless it was something conflicting with his friendship with Gon again. But then it should be something that would destroy the friendship, because your muscles don't forget that which has been drilled into them so easily. That he was drugged by someone would be most plausible, but for whatever reason would someone do this? No-one in this institution has something against him for as far as I know, but it warrants investigation.

'Perhaps his parents drugged him so he wouldn't display his martial arts ability. If his true capabilities are something to be kept secret – which footage of his training alone compared to our actual fight suggests - there's a chance he's refrained from telling them about the fight and this was a preventive measure from their side. Killua said they get in verbal fights like this more often, if that's the case it wouldn't be abnormal for Killua to stumble or fall and would give away his fighting ability.' They both looked around at me, but I kept focused on the screen. I rewound the footage some more.

'Even though his parents are most likely aware of the nature of this institution? It would be strange for them doing something like this. It's quite the assumption you're making.'

'It's not the only possibility. We need to review this footage some more.'

'I have a copy for you two.' I stepped back from the screen when Zeno inched to stand up. There was something else very odd about these images.

'Thank you, we'll take a look at this.' Chrollo picked it up from the desk as soon as Zeno had laid it down there.

'Is there anything that came from your conversation with these people that we should know?'

'They are what they tell you they are.' He sat back down behind his computer and breathed out those words. Meaning they're great actors if they have anything to hide. Killua's not a genius when it comes to acting though.

'We'll review this right away, and one of us will come by to discuss our different deductions.' I looked up at Chrollo, knowing it was going to be me.

'I'll see you tomorrow at three then.' Zeno nodded towards me, also realizing this. Chrollo gestured for us to leave for now. It wasn't until the door closed behind us that he spoke up again.

'Everything points towards Killua being a killer.'

'It does.' There was still the possibility that someone manipulated him into going after Gon's father. Then it would mean that this someone knew Killua would fail because of his attachment to Gon, and his or her main goal is outing the secret behind the Zoldyck family. This is less probable though because Killua would do anything to find a way around it; and either way the Zoldycks would have a dangerous secret.

'It's all circumstantial and he will never actually say it.'

'No he won't. Why are you pointing out the obvious?' I cocked my head at his statements, and a smile appeared on his lips.

'Just to be clear that we're not working on unearthing that anymore.'

'Of course not. His conflicting relationships with Gon and his family are more interesting.'

'A bit too interesting for you it seemed, what were you doing walking away from this office earlier? For your doing you seemed distressed.' He leaned back against the wall next to the door. We didn't have time for this,

'We have enough work already, let's go to my office.'

'You're suggesting you need work?'

'No I don't, but you're making it out to be. Are we going, or are you going to want to touch me again to see what kind of consequences it has?' He laughed shortly before pushing himself away from the wall and started following me to my office. I hadn't expected him to be any different than he was a mere hour ago, but for the sake of working together, he needed to be subdued.

'I will wonder about the consequences in my own time then.' I closed my eyes for a second at what he said. After another week of working together he'd be more occupied with me than with Killua, I have to make a recommendation to have him focus on another case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now it's like, everybody wants a piece from Illumi xD  
> The beautiful thing is, is that all of their obsessions with him have different motivations - which will be clearer later on in the story
> 
> Aahh~ I love it when it comes together.


	10. Chapter 10

It was bothering me.

Admitting that on its own was bothering me as well.

I rewound the footage for the umpteenth time to try and discern the anomaly, but I was coming up short, and it was unnerving. My instinct never failed me and I refuse to acknowledge that it was doing so this time. I had narrowed down the possibilities to that these Zoldycks were too used to camouflaging what they did and I just needed time to see it, or that I was fatigued.

I do not accept either.

I have been trained – consciously and not – to see things like this, I will know what it is.

'Oh? Still looking at the footage?' I heard the clicking of his heels while he leisurely leaned himself back in the doorframe. I stopped the film after a couple of seconds when I noticed my focus wouldn't increase with Hisoka in the vicinity. 'Is it messing with you this much? Why not let Chrollo take a look at it.'

'Chrollo is working on finding out about the possibility of one of our staff having drugged Killua – although unlikely. I will find the anomaly, it's a matter of time.' When I looked up at him, he gave me a knowing grin and slitted his eyes a little, but that wasn't what caught my attention and I inclined my head a little. 'Is there a reason you're wrapped in Christmas lights?' Not only that, he had some sort of crown on his head, there seemed to be glitters on his clothes, and little bells around his neck.

'Surprise attack.' It was hardly a complete surprise if they had the chance to do all of this. He'd probably fallen asleep in his office earlier.

'Machi is talking to you again.' I guessed, looking back from his decorations to his eyes again. But it wasn't really a guess. Although she was composed most of the time, she won't hold back if she believes you've done something to her. Hisoka can't stay away from a temptation like that. He takes pride in pushing the buttons of others. However, no matter the retaliations against him, they have yet to find his button. I believe he is grateful that I am the only one holding that knowledge, and that I don't care.

'Talking isn't exactly how I'd call it.' He shrugged it off, and adjusted the crown on his head. 'These Zoldycks must be quite the masters of deceit if they've got you working on a single theory for more than two days.' I turned my eyes back to the screen, and heard him stepping away from the door, closing it behind him.

'My focus worsens with other persons in the room, you would be more appreciated at the other side of the door.' The light jingling sound didn't change directions though.

'You've been looking at that screen in all the free time you have. I know you're aware that it's more productive if you take a break now and again.' When he reached my desk, he decided to hop on it, and crossed his legs, leaning one glittery arm in between me and the screen. 'So why aren't you?'

'If you want to keep that arm, I suggest you remove it from my view.' I closed my eyes and noted this exasperatedly. Knowing that I was capable of such a feat, Hisoka moved his arm back a little.

'Is this one of the rare times your pride is getting in the way?' I lifted my hand to click the video back to the beginning,

'I don't have pride, I need to know what's going on here before Sunday.'

'Ah~, before the big questioning of our dear Il-lu-mi himself.' He pushed himself off my desk and stepped behind me, leaning his head next to mine. 'Are you afraid you will lose to Killua because he was brought up by the people that are keeping a secret from you in this video?'

'… …' I wanted to threaten him again, but he stepped away before I had the chance to. A soft chuckle escaped his throat, and he kept his position behind me.

'How _are_ things going with Killua?'

'You can go see Nobunaga if you want small-talk.' He laughed a bit louder at that, and I paused the video again.

'I saw him earlier today, that's why I ask.' He got my attention with that, and I could feel his amusement behind me. 'Now I have your attention?' Nobunaga went to Hisoka for Killua and not me or Chrollo? That didn't sound right.

'Oh? But he didn't come to you? That surprises me.' I turned around in my chair and looked up at Hisoka leaning against the wall. Somehow those decorations on him didn't seem all out of place, for the extravagant person he is. 'I'll tell you about it if you come with me for some… distraction.'

'Whatever distraction you have in mind is completely self-serving. You know I can just contact Nobunaga for this information.' His grin grew and his eyes narrowed some more,

'I don't think he'll appreciate it at two in the morning.'

'I do not need to know at this instant, I will contact him when I have the time.' Hisoka laughed shortly, but I didn't understand what was so funny about my statement.

'Then for the three hours you have left before Killua's next session, I am ready and able to distract you in my office. I don't need to tell you that by fixating on this video, you won't be able to focus on him. If your pride really is killing you, then I suggest doing some damage control.' His tongue flicked out for a second before he stepped away from me and strutted towards the door again. I was weighing my options.

In general Hisoka would be correct, however I am able to keep focus for long periods of time and my judgment should not be impeded by a mere two days lack of sleep.

On the other hand, it has been a long time since I've been in a situation that required this much concentration, and it was clouding my view. No matter how much I wanted to train that out of my system at this very moment, I needed my full attention during these sessions with Killua.

I closed my eyes for a second when I decided my course of action. I will leave this video for what it is at the moment. I'll talk it over with Chrollo after the session.

'Well, sparring for an hour should do the trick.' I spoke up and turned off the computer. There would be no problem with some distraction if it was on my terms. The ringing of bells hanging around Hisoka's neck stopped when he turned around on his heel in the door opening.

'Ah~ that's music to my ears.' I stood up from my chair and got the bag with my training clothes out of one of the cabinets, leading the way to the court.

* * *

_Dad had called me again on Wednesday. From now on, five minutes on the phone per day were permitted. However, that included received calls as well, and yesterday dad had taken up three days' worth of that. That meant less time contacting someone I actually wanted contact with at this point._

_I leant my elbows down on my knees and raked my hands through my hair, dropping one back down to count off the days. Monday hadn't counted, Tuesday I'd reached Gon before my parents could reach me, and the Wednesday counted as Thursday and Friday as well. So the soonest I can reach Gon again will be two days from now._

_I want to warn him of what I've been ordered to do again, but honestly I don't know how to deal with this. If I was able to hint it to him correctly and he would take countermeasures, my parents would know what I'd done and take matters into their own hands – giving him even less of a chance. I could warn him not to do anything but be wary of it until I knew how to deal with it, but that would be unfair. I'd only be worrying him. I need to figure out for myself first what I need to do to get out of this. God fucking damn it, I don't want to choose a side._

_'Killua? You in there?' I snapped back and raised both my hands behind my head, leaning back in my chair and giving Nobunaga a look that spelled I really didn't care. Group session was Thursday this week, apparently. 'You're quiet today.'_

_'I'm always quiet, it's because I don't care about this group thing.' The man sighed loudly when I said this and his eyebrows drew together, ready to scold me again for my "lack of participation", when the man next to me drew my attention with his quiet voice,_

_'The idiot means you're differently quiet.'_

_'Oy!' The so-called leader of this group stomped his foot at that statement. I paid it no heed, 'cos Feitan was the only one more reclusive than I was, and him speaking up was actually quite rare. I turned my head and leaned it back against my hands some more, giving him some of my attention._

_The only thing he did was look back at me as well for a while. This guy was also a martial artist, right? Illumi had mentioned him but I'd pushed it back after our fight. It's not like he stands out or anything. "Do you want to take my place in the Zoldyck family?" Is what Gon would immediately ask of him, and I huffed when I thought that it would probably be perfect, were it not that for the most part I like what I am able to do. I can't deny that the idea of this guy receiving my training made me slightly jealous. I lowered my eyebrows a little at that thought, before I asked,_

_'You're a good fighter, right? Want to train with me in the court?' His eyes were unchanging when he answered immediately._

_'Hisoka needs to stop talking.'_

_'That a yes or a no?' Everyone around us had gone quiet. I let my eyes glide over them a second, and saw that this rarity was apparently way more important than the actual session._

_'Sure.' I looked back when he answered, but he'd already turned his head away. If people thought I was quiet, than they apparently didn't know this guy._

_'Oy, that's not really up to you guys.' Nobunaga spoke up again, and his words started irritating me,_

_'Why not? The court is an extension of the gym, isn't it? Why can't we spar?' I directed at him, but it was Feitan who spoke up again,_

_'I'm not allowed to fight, they're afraid I will kill you.' I scrunched my nose at him when he said that. They were sorely underestimating me, weren't they? Those little…_

_'And not ungrounded, I might add.'_

_'He was hardly on the verge of dying.'_

_'Going after your psychologist's life isn't exactly a small misdemeanor, Feitan, no matter how he walks away from the fight. I will discuss this with Illumi and Hisoka first, you two stay out of each other's hair in the meantime.' So he'd done that too? Interesting._

_'Yes sir.' I raised my voice and mocked him with my sarcastic tone, sticking out my tongue when he hung his head and let out a deep breath._

_The rest of the session neither of us had spoken up anymore. That little exchange had been exactly what I'd needed. If I spar with Feitan, there will be constant surveillance, but I could probably request for the cameras being turned off if our shrinks would supervise. Those guys seem to be more aware of my skills either way. I frowned when I thought about that. They'd perfectly deducted the nature of my relationships and probably knew exactly what I did for a living._

_But I'm still here._

_Is it because they only have circumstantial evidence, or did they actually mean it when they said they're not interested in sending me to prison? Up until now they've been quite frank in their actions, even told me all their findings about me. That will give me an edge on them, why did they do that? It could mean they really aren't interested in what I do, but those guys are way too fucking unpredictable to assume anything. I'll just focus on the questions I'm gonna ask Sunday._

_'Killua,' I turned my head back to Feitan when he spoke up softly while Nobunaga was in conversation with someone else. I dropped my arms and leaned them down on my knees, perking my ears._

_'Can you fight without wanting to kill?'_

_'No.' I lowered the volume on my voice to the extent only someone like Feitan would be able to hear._

_'Then I suggest you fight with someone else.'_

_'Why.'_

_'I would enjoy killing you.'_

_'I hope you're not underestimating me.'_

_'You should be able to see the difference in our strength.'_

_'Don't patronize me.'_

_'I should say that to you.' He's suggesting he'd be able to kill me if I came at him with killing intent. I can see that he's strong, but the difference he's talking about…_

_'If we get permission, we will fight.'_

_'… …' He didn't respond any more after that, and Nobunaga showed no signs that he noticed our conversation. I got up and out of the room first after the hour was up, and stopped just outside, watching Feitan walking away in another direction. What kind of world did he come from that he was like this?_

_'I highly suggest you retract your request.' Nobunaga stopped behind me, but I didn't stop looking at Feitan until he was out of sight. 'Although Hisoka gets very close to the why and how Feitan is like this, changing him seems to be out of the question. What he's doing now, is keeping him away from fighting so his muscles will forget how.'_

_'Then there's no problem filing the request, is there? Hisoka will just refuse and that will be that.' I sounded a bit too smug when I said that, and Nobunaga patted me on the shoulder before passing me and walking away._

_'Go to Illumi if you want to fight, I'm not requesting anything for you.'_

_'La~me.' I called after him. If I ever want to test myself against Feitan, it will have to be off the records then. I can do that if I want to. Gon, next time you're here, we're sparring again._

* * *

'I suggest you get rid of some of your ornaments if we're going to do this.' I heard the redhead's laugh behind me,

'I won't change until I'm at the court, I have been threatened that if she sees me without it, my house will be next.'

'That is an expensive payback, what did you do to Machi this time?'

'Nothing out of the ordinary.'

'Nothing is ordinary with you, don't lie.' Hisoka's amusement grew once more, but he refrained from saying the obvious that I was not ordinary either. I have never claimed to be,

'If you want the truth, you should ask her.'

'You know I won't.' This wasn't worth devoting time to. I will notice if it inconveniences me.

I opened the door to the gym – it was supposed to be locked at this hour – and found my way directly to the court, dropping the bag next to me as soon as I entered there.

'Hisoka.'

'Hm? Yes?'

'… … What?' I looked at the unusual scene before me, and it was the only question that came to mind.

'Isn't it obvious?'

'That is exactly why.'

'Do you want me to tell you why Nobunaga came by earlier?'

'Don't tell me he has anything to do with these decorations as well. What have you done to him?' When I turned around to him, he was already starting to unwrap himself, it seemed Machi had done a good job tying him in.

It was when I turned his way though, that I noticed Killua standing against the wall behind him. I cocked my head,

'Why are you here?'

'Not to spar with Feitan.' He scoffed and turned his head away, pocketing his hands.

'You promised him this?' I turned back to Hisoka, but he was consciously ignoring me, only giving attention to untangling himself. Killua raised his volume some more,

'He promised me some physical activity. Oh well, shouldn't have expected you guys to listen.' A pout appeared on his face. He knows we listen, he starting to understand his position in all of this and that he has several privileges he shouldn't take for granted. He's becoming careful not to do something that will revoke those.

I looked back at Hisoka, and decided to pull out the last knot Machi had put in there so he would answer.

'What were you planning on doing with him, Hisoka?' He took the crown off his head and smiled at me,

'Not what you're thinking of, dear Illumi.' I saw Killua's eyes shift towards us when he heard that answer. 'Nobunaga suggested one of two things to me when he approached me.' He lifted his hand and raised one finger, 'Either I allow Feitan to fight just this once, which is never going to happen.' He waved his finger a little, and I saw Killua's scowl when he stated this again. 'Or….' He raised a second finger, 'I would spar with him myself. Because apparently someone wants to let go of some stress.'

'Then why am I here.' Killua turned his head away at that point.

'Oh~, but I was dearly rejected as a sparring partner.' He paused for a second before finishing his sentence, his lips raising into a grin, '…How's your arm doing.' I turned my eyes back to the boy and inclined my head,

'You requested to fight me again? What do you hope to gain from that?' Was he really that desperate for physical activity that he would risk it once again? This time I wouldn't underestimate him. 'Do you hope to learn more about me while doing this?' There was an elongated silence, 'You're going about it wrong if you hope to find out anything, it's best if you just wait 'till Sunday if that's your goal.' I threw my arms wide and tilted my head back a little. His first choice had been Feitan though, so perhaps it had nothing to do with me. Even so, he probably saw this as an opportunity.

I lowered my arms and lay them on my hips, but his eyes weren't on me,

'Can we shut down the blinking "I know where you live Hisoka" sign first and turn on some normal lights? It's fucking annoying.' I tilted my head towards the man that had instigated this decoration, and he raised his hands in innocence as he turned around and put the main light on first. 'Where did you learn to fight?' The boy didn't look away from the sign when he asked,

'Why would that interest you? You have your own style as it is, incorporating mine is-'

'I want to learn it.' His eyes shifted towards mine, and I raised one hand palm up to make my point more clear.

'That's impossible, it's nowhere near the abilities you have now.' On top of that, this boy doesn't need to learn any more fighting skills. I am absolutely certain they will be used for murder, and I won't teach him until he admits this. 'Why should I teach you any more of the skills you used for the reason you're in here?'

'I'm not asking you to do that.'

'Then what are you asking of me?' He pushed himself away from the wall and stood square in front of me. Meanwhile, the blinking sign had stopped blinking. I know that what I'll teach him is not something he'll be able to use while doing what his parents taught him, but if this question could keep him at bay,

'… …' He fell silent, good.

'If you can't come up with a reason why I should, then I'm not wasting my time on this. I will do what I came here to do.' I turned my head towards where I heard Hisoka's footsteps. He just raised his hands and shook his head in rejection. I cocked an eyebrow when he did this. He never intended to do this, did he. He wanted me to suggest another place than his office for distraction. 'It seems we were both misled by Hisoka. However, I'm still in need for a distraction. I turned my eyes back towards Killua. _As long as it was battle, then there was no danger._

'I will fight you, but I will not teach you. But I am not unaware of your talent, so I won't show you anything I don't want you to see.' I inclined my body slowly towards him, and exuded the threat he's felt before. When it reached him his eyes widened for a split second, but he composed himself quickly afterwards. His eyes betrayed that he was still scared, but he was still confronting me. What kind of resolution had he gotten in these past four days? Did it come from his parents, or did it come from Gon? 'Or should I just leave now?' I pointed my thumb towards the door to my left, at which Killua nearly started to growl.

'I'm not accepting charity. You will teach me because otherwise I _will_ find a way to fight Feitan.' He turned his head sharply towards Hisoka.

'Don't be so naïve, I will not be threatened into teaching you.' I intensified the feeling of fear inside of him, and his eyes opened a bit more, staying in that position. Hisoka on the other hand, was enjoying the feeling. If this would continue too long, I would have trouble containing myself again… I reckoned Hisoka was looking forward to that.

'What would convince you?'

'Why should I indulge you in this?' I cocked my head at his question. It took him a bit longer to respond with this kind of attention on him,

'Because you still need distraction.'

'Ah, that's true.' I stopped exuding the fear, and waited for him to continue,

'And…'

**###**

_I want to be able to stand up against my parents when they force me to go after Gon's dad again._

But I couldn't say it. I can't say it. At first sparring with Feitan had just seemed like a fun way to pass the time, but once I got the idea in my head that I could learn from this guy, it wouldn't leave me.

'And what?'

'… …'

'My suggestion still stands. I will spar with you, but I won't teach you anything until you give me a good reason why I should. As it stands now, I will just use this to pass the time in a way that it won't inconvenience me. If you're okay with that, then we can start.' I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a second before looking back up at him, glad I was out of that feeling of his again,

'I am okay with that.' _I will have to stop hiding what I can do if I really want to become stronger like this._

**_###_ **

'Then I'll get dressed.' I slid the jacket off my arms and started unbuttoning my shirt, keeping note on Hisoka who walked past behind me.

'Is it alright if I watch this?' He leaned back against the wall and looked straight at me when I kicked off my shoes to change pants.

'We can also alternate.' Glancing back at Killua, who gave a slight nod. I didn't need his approval, but asking for it gave me a hint on the strength of his motivation. Hisoka lowered himself against the wall, and raised one leg to lean his arm on. Meanwhile, I opened my bag to get dressed again, and heard Killua throwing his shoes aside, walking silently to the middle of the room. He is more serious than before. A lot has changed since Monday.

After pulling the shirt over my head, I threw my hair back and tied it up so it wouldn't get in the way. I noticed the intensity of my focus as well. We are both more serious.

At the point where I stepped out in front of him, I noticed he got in an opposite mindset of mine. He's always quiet when it comes to moving around, but his steps just now and his breathing at this moment were inaudible. He'd made himself disappear completely, and in his eyes there was nothing left but focus. _Have you stopped trying to hide your abilities?_

In response to his mindset, I put myself aside and turned completely blank except for the need to fight. This, would be enough to send most walking away for their own good, but nothing changed in Killua.

Although it could only be the product of enduring harsh training from a very young age, I approved of it _._ Even without me holding back he'd be able to stand back up again and again. _By now there was no question anymore that I'd have to ask Hisoka for a favor later on…_

We stood no more than three feet apart, and I slid one of my legs back a little, loosely raising both my hands in front of my chest, inclining my body slightly. I watched him raise one hand soundlessly. It was a good way to fight, one sense of your opponent would be disabled. _But it will take more than that for him to overpower me. I will teach him that then._

He was the first to move, he made a small feint to the right before lashing out with his right hand to my wrist; fingers stretched. I bent my hand and moved it down an inch, folding it back to push Killua's attack away before catching the opposite foot going for my knee with my lower leg. I slowed down the movements that had caught his attacks for a moment, before pushing them away with a force, and using the momentum to twirl around him and end up behind him; grabbing his shoulder with my right arm, and placing the tips of my toes against the inside of his ankle, pushing his leg away.

I wanted to turn further and grab his arm, but he wasn't caught off-balance, and turned around towards me, wanting to repeat my move on me. But I stopped the arm reaching around my waist and I turned him further with a force; he landed a ways behind me before I turned back to the right side myself.

All of this happened in a second, yet he had attempted to duplicate my movement. That had been impressive.

As a reward I decided to attack him this time, and took a big step to get close enough to do that. Unexpectedly, he didn't go for that opening, and stood still when I stretched out one arm towards his side. He evaded marginally, but I punished him for that by tightening my muscles to follow his movement, and he got the side of my fist in his side after all. He flinched lightly before lifting his opposite arm to throw a punch against my ear, but in the meantime my other leg had caught up and I brought my knee up in between us and pushed his arm away; turning my leg to lay flat and hook my foot in his side to force him away. He'd been just in time to catch me, but he had no choice to be thrown to the side this time.

He flipped back to recover. During these two short moves, I had barely heard any sound. That was impressive.

'If this is how you normally fight, then I-' I got interrupted when his fist aimed for my solar plexus, but I turned away without much consequence and placed the side of my hand against his neck to push him past me, lifting my last leg to sweep out the legs from under him and when he made the flip to recover, punched him down to the ground right before me. Usually I don't use a lot of force in sparring sessions, but I wouldn't let myself get interrupted by the useless eagerness of Killua. '—mah, I wanted to compliment you, but it seems there's still a lot of childishness in you. I could hear that last attack coming.' He huffed and looked up at me before lifting himself off the ground. There wasn't even anything he wanted to say. He was completely focused if he was just taking my words for granted.

'You're being too kind on him.' I heard Hisoka's voice in the distance.

'I appreciate you keeping quiet until it's your turn.' I heard a soft chuckle, but kept my focus on the boy in front of me. We were both going easy on each other at this point. This was a whole different fight than before, and neither of us knew the other's capabilities.

'Are we going to keep testing each other for a while, or should we stop holding back?' I lifted my hand with the back of it turned to him. Having long fingers, it was disadvantageous for me to attack with an open hand, and I could see this surprised Killua as well when I came at him. But instead of simply moving his head, he lifted his hand with his fingers split, and ready to catch me with it and continue the movement away from himself. However, I bent my fingers over before I hit him and snaked my hand around his defense, stretching my fingers again to hit him against the side of his head; but he caught the impact with his other hand, even though he was shoved to the side a little.

He stopped for a moment at that point, and straightened his back. He stretched his neck a little before looking back at me and did something to catch me off-guard.

The look in his eyes intensified, and his presence came out of hiding with bloodlust seeping out of him. I inclined my head when I noticed that at this very moment he was imitating the trick I learned by accident and did not completely understand.

This was bloodlust though, not killing intent. This was closer to what Hisoka would exude if he knew how. Killua was better at imitation than I had anticipated – he really had been holding back a lot of his talent.

I straightened my back completely as well, and stood ready to attack him again, but for once he beat me to it. He feinted to the left, to the right, he did this a couple of times to throw off my visual senses as well as my hearing. He kept this strange movement up all the way 'till he attacked me, and hit me full force against the arm he'd injured before. Fortunately I'd anticipated this move, and used muscle movement to spread the shockwave so it wouldn't be a hard hit. Before I got the chance to hit back, Killua had already removed himself from my range. He didn't stop exuding his bloodlust though, that was going to cost him his stamina.

'Have you noticed already?' I moved my fingers a bit and noticed that I'd spread the impact well enough to keep going.

'Your parents are correct in calling you a genius. You're still careless in your moves, but you make up a lot for that with your talent.' Once he's my age with this kind of talent and training, he will be able to beat me. Killua gave me a slight nod in acceptance of the compliment before falling back in his feints once again, only this time he used them to gain speed and get behind me. I couldn't follow his movements exactly, but my reflexes helped - at the moment of attack his movement changes slightly. So when he stretched out his hand I evaded, grabbed his wrist, circled one leg back to get him off his feet and spun him vertically over his own arm. I wanted to twist his arm when he landed, but he'd clawed out at me, and I let him go.

'But you have to remember that I have more experience in longer lasting fights.' At that point Killua stood with his knees far bent, and put his body to a complete standstill. Knowing what he was about to do, I brought myself in the same state and when he increased his speed to land an attack to my neck, I evaded differently. I bent through my knees completely and let my body bend backwards, lifting my palm to give him the punch he wanted to give me. But he grabbed my hand in time and only got part of the impact, throwing my arm aside. At the same time I lifted my leg to kick him, and got him with that one, making him back off once more. I continued the motion of my leg and spun it over so I would be facing him again.

'Your flaw is that you become predictable. You've been trained for one hit kills. You have a lot of tricks, but you don't last.' At this point Killua noticed that keeping up the bloodlust cost him precious energy and stopped it – reverting back to being completely soundless. 'Do you want me to show you how I fight?' He didn't nod, but his eyes told me that he was both wary and wanting of this. 'Then I'll slow down a little so you can try to copy.' I took a normal step towards him before lashing out my leg at his head. When he ducked down a little for it, I instantly changed the tension in my muscles to switch direction and hit him with full force on top of his shoulder. He managed to take some of the blow with his hand, but he made a sound.

Hisoka did as well.

'You're a cruel man, Illumi.' Killua flinched to the attack, but I was too late to notice the short moment of silence before he hit me with his speed again. I spread the energy of the impact out from my side before stepping away; but that had been quite a punch.

He wanted to continue his attack, but I twirled out of his way and kicked him to the side a bit before setting my leg back down.

'I'm only here to relieve some tension and Killua said he was okay with this. There's nothing cruel about it.'

'This is not your fight, keep out of it.' Hisoka turned his head towards the boy as well when he said this. I responded with respect,

'It's good to see this dedication in you. I will not hold back as much.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SORRY I HOPE THE FIGHTSCENE IS SLIGHTLY READABLE I'M A LOVER NOT A FIGHTER
> 
> But aahhh~ Hisoka wrapped in Christmassy goodness...~  
> It's winter over there, I couldn't resist :3


	11. Chapter 11

_Alright, I may have miscalculated how much he wouldn't hold back._ I thought to myself as I was finally allowed my bed again. By the time that Machi chick had let me out of the infirmary again it'd already been five o'clock and I had to go straight to the session. That goddamn woman had been fucking violent in keeping me there, how was she a physician?!

Nothing exceptional had happened there during sessions though. Not compared to our fight. _Wasn't that Chrollo supposed to be the leading shrink on my case? He hasn't said a word all week since Monday._ I shook my head on the pillow and closed my eyes, replaying the fight in my head.

What I'd seen from our first fight still stood this morning, he can dodge better than I've ever seen before outside of my family. If that's not a clear indicator that he's had special training, then I don't know what is. His flaw is that he stays on the defense too long. …Although that's only a flaw in my profession, now isn't it... When he did lash out, I could predict where it'd land most of the time, but wasn't able to dodge or block it that often. His movements are fluid, and as such it's hard to notice when he changes direction midway, or when he switches to offense. If I want to counter that, I'll need to see through the pattern of his motions, and I will need more fights than this morning to be able to do that.

One thing stood out more than the rest though. At the rare times I'd been able to make a hit connect, he'd expertly redirected the sheer force of it so he wouldn't be affected by it. This is not normal. When it connects – even with redirection – it should have consequences to his body, but he didn't show signs of feeling anything. Even during the session I'd kept close watch on it, but he didn't move differently… If he'd felt it, then he was better at hiding injury than I was. Had he adapted to it from just the last fight? Thinking about it like that was kinda scary. I'd hate to be up against someone who's had a harder training than I've had.

I scowled at myself when thinking that. _Wasn't that the purpose of this? That I could learn from him?_ I huffed and rolled myself to my side, avoiding pressure on my free right arm. I could've continued, and I'll be alright again with a couple hours of sleep, but it had reminded me too much of training at home.

As soon as the first fight'd been over though, he changed to an entirely different person. It was only for a minute that he returned to normal, after that it got kind of weird, I don't know yet what to make of it.

* * *

_'I know you can stand up again, but if we continue you will suffer bone fractures. I don't care if you've gone through that before, you stop here.' I stopped myself when I noticed the fatigue in Killua's body prevented him from putting up a decent fight again. To keep the fighting up for a considerable amount of time, the three of us had alternated in fighting each other. Although Killua had still refused to fight with Hisoka most of the time. It wasn't because he was too tired, Killua'd been focused solely on me from the start._

_'…Alright.' He stood there huffing, with his head hanging. He wiped some blood from his mouth, and I looked down at my fist… not all of this was his blood, I'd held up my end of the bargain and hadn't held back. That was slowly starting to become a problem. 'Thank you.' When he raised his eyes back to mine I could see the words were merely a courtesy. He hadn't been able to learn anything significant from our fights, he wasn't grateful._

_'Will I have to force you to go see the physician?' He slowly shook his head and turned away from me, going for the door. I'd already stood ready to threaten him, but apparently he was more aware of what his body needed than I originally thought._

_'If you don't mind, I won't be accompanying you there.' Hisoka had started to look bored throughout the last couple of fights, but when he looked back up at me I could see that he knew what would come next._

_'Killua doesn't need an escort, he knows the way.' The boy looked back when I said that, and I could read a little surprise in there._

_'What if I don't go?'_

_'You'd only be hurting yourself with that. This is not the last time you're challenging me, you want to be in good shape next time I will say yes to it.' He turned back to me a bit more,_

_'I don't_ need _to see a physician, as the one who did this to me, you should know I can take care of it myself.' He raised his right forearm to demonstrate this. It'd been the one that had taken the grunt of the beating, and if he'd kept punching with it, he would've broken it. I agreed though that Machi probably wouldn't be able to do much at this point._

_'I am not so medically expert that I can discern every injury I inflicted on you, you will go see Dr. Machi.' He threw his head back and started laughing at those words._

_'Oh please, the places you hit me were no coincidence.' He gave me a cocky grin, and behind him I could see Hisoka raise a hand to keep some laughter back as well._

_'That has to do with my fighting ability, not my medical knowledge.' He stepped back towards me when I said that, and reached out his injured hand to my wrist. I hesitated in letting him grab it, but I don't know if he noticed that. My arm was uninjured, there was no reason for me to pull it back._

_'See?' He raised my arm in his grip and I looked down at it with only my eyes. Grip wasn't the problem with his injury. That he could move his elbow without flinching was something else._

_Neither of these were bothering me though, it was point number three. The reason Hisoka's attention had intensified upon me._

_'Grip has nothing to do with it, you will go see our physician.' Looking down at his face, I decided to burst out some more fear into him before he let go and turned around. There had been a hint of understanding in his eyes that I did not appreciate. What kind of conclusion had he drawn from this?_

_'Fine, fine, I'll see you at five.' He lazily raised and waved his hand in goodbye when he walked out the door and left me with Hisoka. I closed my eyes and sighed inwardly when I could already hear his words in my mind._

_'My, my, I commend you. I surely thought that last little action would've pulled you over the edge.'_

_'Don't insult me, I can constrain myself.' But it'd been close. I had put up an intense aura, he'd physically touched me outside of fighting, and I'd been forced to release that aura again. On top of that he'd shown a sign of trust by showing his true abilities, and I did not know yet where it'd come from. It was too much._

_'Need a little hand with that?' I wanted to deny him this, but I had to be realistic. He walked towards me and slowly dropped the finger pointing at me. I was still breathing a bit heavier because of the workout, and this situation wasn't helping that._

_He stopped inches short of me, and laid his hand against the left side of my chest, his palm feeling the beating of my heart. Looking down at that, he pocketed his free hand and put his weight leisurely on one leg._

_'It's pumping straight out of there, isn't it?'_

_'Let's get this over with; I'd like to take a shower before the session starts.' His eyes slowly rose towards mine._

_'Understood.'_

* * *

'Killua.' My thoughts were cut short when Chrollo opened my door. I didn't sit up, instead I just opened my eyes and looked up at him. 'Your parents are on the phone for you.'

'Again?' I frowned when I heard that message. I wasn't exactly looking forward to talking with them… again. I promised them to call after Sunday morning, but it seemed they couldn't wait. … which was exceptional for them.

'Should I let them hang up?' He pointed his thumb behind him, but I just shook my head whilst sitting up. There'd be no telling the consequences if I'd do that. I should just take it.

'I'll be there in a second.' Pushing myself off the bed, I followed Chrollo out the door. He went another way the first chance he got though. _Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're the biggest mystery of them all._

'Here you go.' The door was opened and closed behind me. I was allowed privacy during my calls, but I was aware of surveillance in this room, so I stuck out my tongue to one of the cameras and turned so that none of them could see my lip movement.

'Hello.'

_"We're having complications and need to speed things up. We can't keep Ging in a coma much longer without getting noticed."_

"That's not good. How do I need to speed things up then?" I raised a hand behind my head. This wasn't good, I wasn't strong enough yet…

_"After you find out Illumi's flaw this Sunday, you will press to have a session at our house and make him show this flaw to discredit him. Don't be obvious about it."_

"I've only been here for two weeks, do you think I could get away with that?" There's no way in hell, is there? Please let it be impossible.

_"They will notice your doubt. Be sure to be determined by Sunday."_

"Is that all?"

_"Have your psychologists found out what the video footage is about yet?"_

"They haven't mentioned it." I leaned back against the wall. Perhaps that was why he was off this morning. He said he needed distraction, right? "But Illumi was distracted today, so it's most probably working."

_"What about Chrollo Lucilfer?"_

"He's still unreadable."

_"We need more inside information on him, he's elusive to us, even with surveillance at his house."_

"I will find out additional information about him before Monday."

 _"Focus on Illumi, he's your weakest link."_ I frowned when I heard him say that. _There's a good reason he is, but I need him a bit longer to be able to stand against these orders._ I really need to figure out how to get what dad wants without inconveniencing myself too much. He will notice immediately if I lie…

"I will."

_"We will see you Monday."_

"Understood." I heard the click when he hung up and lowered the phone; checking the time left on it for today. Still two minutes. I could call Gon right now, but he was at school and I need to think out a plan before contacting him. I need to assess how much he'll need to know of it. _This is a fucking mess._ I dropped the phone to my side and closed my eyes for a second.

'I'm sorry Gon, I will find a way to save your dad.' It will not be easy. While framing Illumi I also need to receive training from him, and I need to find out more about the marble statue that never talks. Even when he talks it's just to show what he knows about me. How in the ever-loving hell am I supposed to get information from… _that._

I walked out the door and returned the phone before walking back to my room. I clenched and unclenched my right fist a couple of times and bent my elbow again. I reached up to the stitches as well. Nothing about that fight had been coincidental. Illumi'd avoided both my face and right leg most of the time even though that wound had closed completely a while ago. On top of that, other than my right arm he hadn't put continuous pressure anywhere else. Of course my ribs were not feeling all that well, and my left leg had been hit pretty effectively…

Maybe it's a start for my plan… I stopped walking in the middle of the hallway and kept my eyes on my hand.

If Illumi is this experienced in fighting and – _you're not kidding me that you didn't learn to do this_ – interrogation, then he should be able to do something for me, right? I'm not making it easier for myself, am I…

I dropped my hand and pouted while I started walking again. Then I'd have to frame him, receive training from him and employ him against this plan of my parents to sever all ties with my "distraction." And if I ever find out something about Chrollo, maybe I can use him to.

'How the fuck am I supposed to do all this?' I glanced sideward when I noticed my words'd been heard by a passer-by. I need to be more careful about what I say, there's surveillance everywhere. I opened the door to my room again and locked it closed to prevent any more disturbances. I need my sleep if I want this to heal faster.

But you know, first things first, _who the fuck are you Chrollo?!_

* * *

'You're still up as well?' That seems to be the norm since I started on Kilua's case.

'I don't need to be anymore. But one hour of sleep will make me more tired than none at all. When is the last time you slept?' He looked like he hadn't this whole week. I looked down at Chrollo over his desk.

'Thursday to Friday. How are you going to handle Killua's questions?' He didn't look away from his work.

'There's no challenge in his questions. I can tell him anything and he wouldn't know if I was lying or not.' I shifted weight to one leg instead of sitting down. This wasn't going to be a long conversation.

'But of course you're not doing that.'

'No I'm not.' He trusts us to some extent, he deserves a reward. The only danger for this session would be if Killua's figured out my problem and plays in on it. He will claim psychological territory if he addresses it.

'There are things you're not going to tell?'

'He doesn't need to know everything about me.'

'Does anyone?' He looked away from his screen. Seemed that even though we'd had little contact this week outside of sessions, his fascination hadn't stopped. I upped the volume in my voice a little to make it clear I was not happy with this.

'You don't need to know that much, it's not why I'm here.'

'… …' There was silence in the literal sense, but the questions in Chrollo's eyes appeared to be screaming for answers. I need to make work of getting him off the case, it seems.

'There is no way for Killua to have been drugged. The only news with an effect like he displayed would be that he's been told to kill one of Gon's close family members once more.' He nodded and looked back at his screen when I said that. Neither of us was surprised of this, but it still had to be confirmed. 'If it was poison, then it was already waiting in his body. However, I haven't seen his parents using any trigger that I'm known with.'

'You still update on this?' He looked back up at me with interest. I nodded lightly.

'It is part of my job.' I am glad I figured this out before session today, but I wasn't any closer to discovering what was hiding in that tape. I shouldn't underestimate these Zoldycks. There was still more about the visit that I hadn't picked up on.

'If it's something built into his body, then the examination should've picked up on it, shouldn't it?' I shook my head.

'This family is most probably inventive with these things and knows of ways to hide that I am unaware of.'

'And the trigger?'

'That knowledge is beyond me.' It went silent after that. Looking straight in his eyes, I noticed two things in there. I sighed deeply before continuing. 'Can you decide whether to ask me about my medical knowledge or what this means concerning Killua?' I inclined my head when asking this. 'Or can you stop being obsessed about not knowing anything about my past and focus on our patient?' I raised my hand palm up in this offering. I saw his lips curl up a little.

'You're really direct.'

'You already know this, why are you stating it?' I raised my other hand as well.

'Because you ask questions I can't answer either. I want to get rid of this stalemate before you decide you want me off the case.' I lowered my hands again. Of course it would be unreasonable to take _me_ off the case, Killua responds better to me than him. I would be fine handling this boy alone if Zeno'd allow it.

'There's no way to fix that. We both won't say an-'

* * *

 _He was late?_ I stood before a locked door, and no amount of knocking was getting me inside. That was a first and highly suspicious for someone like him. I stepped back and leaned back against the wall opposite the door, looking left and right. Like always, there was not a soul up and about at this hour. Were they still trying to break me with these early hours? They should know better by now.

I pouted at the thought they were still belittling me with things like this. In prison I wouldn't have any problems staying at the top of the food chain. If I'd go there though, I would most probably be sent to death as soon as it's allowed. I would be snuck out of there by my parents and be declared dead, allowing me a pure assassin's life. Although I would become better at my job, it's not exactly beneficial to my family. Institutionalized attracts less attention to the family than getting a death sentence.

I raised my hands behind my head and looked up at the tl-light above my head. The flickering in it has bothered me from day one.

'You can at least fix the goddamn lights, can't you?' I heard footsteps approaching me after those muttered words and turned my head lazily to the right. That wasn't Illumi.

I kept my eyes on the one that had denied my fight with Feitan, but he didn't look back. Not even when he passed me. It wasn't until the redhead was almost at the next corner that he stopped and spoke up.

'Illumi will be here in a minute or five. Have fun today.' He turned his head a little to grin back at me before disappearing out of my sight. I frowned at that action. Hisoka was weird and unpredictable. In a very, very, _very_ different way than Illumi. Despite that, they hung around each other a lot. Opposites attract? No, that doesn't do it justice. Two weird persons that have a weird relationship shouldn't be weird… right? _I need to stop letting Gon's simplemindedness influence me like this._ I dropped my hands to my pockets and snorted, looking back at the door in front of me. Better to focus on getting myself out of this situation.

Not a minute later I heard another pair of footsteps and looked back to the right to see my actual shrink appearing. I frowned again, something was very off about him again. But he didn't say a word, so I decided to, before we'd go inside.

'Look who decided to show up. You shrinks're supposed to be reliable, aren't you?' He didn't turn around to answer, he just unlocked the door and walked through it. '… …' What was this?

I shook my head out of a daze and pushed away from the wall to walk in after him.

'Chrollo isn't gonna join us, right?' Just asking to be sure. It would be nice if he'd be there, would save me the trouble of going after him later today. I automatically walked towards the couch, but changed my mind before sitting down. I would be asking the questions today, I'm not sitting down there.

'Dr. Lucilfer is currently in the infirmary.' The infirmary..? He walked behind his desk to get some papers and stood back up, tying his hair back. Wait… he never had it loose when entering sessions, did he?

'What happened?' I leisurely walked to the other side of the small table usually separating us.

'Sleep deprivation.' I stopped in the middle of my steps and cocked my head to the left.

Then to the right.

And back again.

That was a lie.

I had caught him in a lie. Very, _very_ easily. What happened?

I need to save this question for the session as well, concerning their relationship.

'You're not sitting in my chair during this session.' He looked up, intently looking at me, and I pouted,

'Fine.' … he felt dangerous today. A different kind than when he does his little trick.

I walked back to the couch and sat down, leaning my arms on my knees, and waiting for him to be ready. Something happened between him and Chrollo. Perhaps they're too similar, and it clashes.

'Alright. Ask anything, and I will answer every question.' He sat down in his chair and said these words, but I quirked an eyebrow at him. _Well this is kinda underwhelming._ 'Where do you want to start.'

'At the basics. How old are you.'

'26.'

'What day were you born?'

'Unknown.' I inclined my head. I hadn't thought to find something interesting this early on.

'How can you not know your own birthday? How are you even registered here then..?'

'My mother thought up a birthday date, but she never told me when I was really born.' I was slightly taken aback by that. Although the birthdate on my records is false as well, I _have_ been told my real one.

'What is the status of your parents now?'

'Both deceased.'

'At what age were you orphaned?'

'Seventeen.'

'What did you do when this happened?'

'I continued my education and provided for myself.'

'No other known relatives?'

'None.'

'How were you orphaned?'

'Technically I could still have a mother, so I don't know.'

'She went missing and never returned?' He nodded. I took a small moment of silence and searched my brain. Do I know of any of my family having offed a woman that looked like him…? Well, it's useless thinking about that, isn't it? We kinda have a large track record. 'Never went looking for her?' He shook his head. He was stoic, but not like he normally was. At this point he was still straining to be. He was quickly calming down though. 'Why not?'

'It wasn't the first time she went away without saying a word.'

'How about your dad, what happened to him?'

'Complications during brain surgery when I was fourteen.' _Well isn't that just a dandy life…_

'What did he do for a living.'

'He was a salesman.'

'What did your mother do?'

'Worked in the morgue.' _I'm getting more and more depressed hearing about all of this, and this is coming from me._ However, I now know where his medical skills came from,

'You learned your medical skills from her?'

'Yes I did.'

'All of it before you were seventeen?'

'Yes I did.' Shit, I _am_ dealing with someone that's had harder training than I have. 'Are you surprised I learned everything I know before that age?' He inclined his head, and with that movement I noticed he was completely back to normal. 'For someone with the fighting skills you have at fourteen, you shouldn't be surprised.' No, but I _am._ Not only medical skills, but your own fighting ability as well. Or did you learn that after your mother died?

'Why did you choose psychology after your mother taught you about medical skills?'

'I never intended to go into medicine. That I learned it says nothing about my preferences.' _Jesus fucking Christ._

'When and where did you learn to fight then?'

'I started at age five. I won't tell you where.' Because I will pursue it when I get free?

'Why did you learn?'

'I needed to protect myself against abusive parents, I wandered into a dojo on my own.' I sat back up a bit when he said this. 'Was that alright? You wanted a lie so you'd know how to discern them from truth, right? Were you able to catch that?' _No I wasn't able to catch that you fucking moron, you show less signs of lying than I do._ In response to my movement, he himself leaned a bit more forward. Those blank, black eyes staring back at me.

'Don't fucking belittle me.'

'Ah, my apologies.' _Yep, completely back with fake smile and all._ I squinted my eyes a little in anger to this, but assessed the information nonetheless. So he probably had a harder childhood than I did, learned his medical skills from his mother 'till he was seventeen who then mysteriously disappeared, his dad died three years prior... the thing bothering me most about all of this, was how he stated it all as mere facts. Like the way I would talk if I could about the hits I've done. On top of that, he has that little trick of his. You're not telling me he got that purely from learning medicine.

Neither his interrogation skills, by the way.

'I keep forgetting you've already been through training like this.' I huffed indignantly before responding,

'I haven't been through anything of the like.'

'You haven't? Bu—'

'You're not asking the questions today.' This was worse than normal, he was reacting the same way he did just before our fight. I knew he was taunting me with this, and it annoyed me that he was doing that today of all days. _You put Chrollo in the infirmary, why?_

'My apologies again.' That question would come later though. I leaned my arms back on my knees.

'… Your answers still don't tell me where you learned to instill fear in others.' I blurted out a bit more bluntly than I'd intended. But hey, it's not like it matters _how_ I ask it. It's more important that I'm able to find a weakness. I think I have an inkling to that though, but I'll get all the information I can from him on the way to working up to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh snap  
> Look who's finally getting a background after 11 chapters :3


	12. Chapter 12

_'You're still going through with this? That's a bad idea.'_

_'I know it is, but I am capable of doing it, so I will.'_

_'That's not the reasoning of someone fit to treat a patient.'_

_'I don't really care what you say Hisoka, I will see you again later today.'_

_'My, my, such the demanding friend.'_

* * *

'You're interested in this?' I pointed at myself. 'You think my ability to make people fear death with my presence will give you more insight into my past?' He nodded and looked at me intently. I cocked my head before answering. I'm not the only one who can do this – as demonstrated by himself - why is someone like Killua unaware of this?

'I have to disappoint you, this is not something I've learned or was awakened by any event, I've always been able to do that.' I was glad that even though the event with Chrollo happened only an hour ago, I've been able to revert myself in the couple of minutes I've been here with Killua. His questions are not reaching as deep as I'd expected. I should still be careful; my outer appearance is normal again, but I'm forcing it at this point.

'That's bullshit.' He wasn't liking his answers even though I was telling the truth. It was because of his questions; he hasn't been taught as thoroughly in this as I'd suspected. On top of that, a lot of this information seems to startle him. I haven't even told him anything shocking.

'It actually isn't.' I shook my head and saw he was doing his best staying composed. He kept his annoyance under wraps to get everything out of today that he could.

'Then when did you become aware you could do that?'

'Ah, now that's a better question!' I raised my finger as Killua looked back at me with tension written all over him. If he's striving to learn how to interrogate, he still has a long way to go. I waited for a second before having composed the answer for him, 'I learned I had it when my mother was threatened to be killed when I was five. It drove the killer away in an instant. Mind you, that he didn't notice where it came from, so he didn't realize it wasn't actually a threat.' The expression on his face was switching between curiosity and a kind of horror. It took him a moment to respond. Hadn't he expected honesty, or did he think I was making it all up?

'Why was your mother about to be killed?'

'I always suspected she did something else besides working at the morgue.'

'What kind of work? Do you have an idea?' I shook my head. He didn't believe that. It's more because of the words than other signals though.

'You're saying your mother taught you your medical skills. How did she find the time between her regular job and whatever else she did?'

'She took me to work with her.'

'How long did she do this?'

'From when I was five until she died when I was seventeen.'

'How many people had you killed by then?'

'None.' He squinted and stopped asking for a moment to think of his next question. He was working towards a specific goal. He was either trying to find out what would faze me, or trying to find something he could use against me. For that he was doing his best in discerning lies from truth. That he paused with the last one, indicated that he merely believed it to be a lie, because it wasn't.

'When did you become like this?' He pointed a finger at his face, indicating towards the blank expression.

'It happened over a period of time, not a single event.'

'You're withholding information.'

'I'm answering the questions truthfully.' Even the one about kills. Indirectly I have been involved in a lot of deaths, but I was never the one to take them over the edge. 'I don't know what you're trying to find out about me, but apparently you're asking the wrong questions.'

'Don't fucking taunt me. What caused you to become like this over that period of time?'

'Do you want me to lie again so you can continue testing me?' His eyes narrowed greatly when I said that, and he refrained from answering. That was only fair, I'd given him a free pass to not have to answer anything I asked. So I continued. 'It's not hard to understand. I have been brought to the morgue for twelve years. I have seen a lot of death from a very early age, and learned about the literal inside of the human body from the moment I could hold a scalpel. I learned to not show the feeling of those circumstances through her. Over time I apparently stopped showing anything at all.' I raised a finger to my chin as if contemplating about this. That hadn't been a complete lie, but it was closer to that than the truth.

Meanwhile, Killua was putting pieces of the puzzle together, but I'd left out the most important clue. If he now admitted to knowing the connections and guessed what my mother'd been, he'd be confessing that his family was indeed one that dealt in death.

'You say you stopped showing, you mean you still have them?' Deciding on a different course? I gave him a slightly surprised look that he did, but answered nonetheless.

'Yes I do.'

'Show me.'

'Of everything I've told you, this is the thing you doubt?' He nodded slowly. 'I'm surprised you do. You know how strict it is to get in here. If I didn't have any emotions, it would be a brain deficiency, and I wouldn't work here.' _With a serious condition concerning touch, I only got hired through insistence of Zeno, though._ I am the exception to the rule, but the boy doesn't need to know this _._ Killua didn't answer when I said that. Somewhere he knew it to be true, but he was still doubting every word. I sighed loudly before I answered, 'You're impossible to convince, aren't you? Alright, what do you want me to show then?' I held out my hands in offering, waiting for a request. He deliberated on it for a while before he started to grin and answered softly but resolute,

'Show me love.' I lowered my hands and inclined my head when he asked this. With this he's trying to make me do something to cross boundaries. Is he already aware of my issues, or isn't he?

'… …'

'What's the problem?' I can't tell him about that, he will take advantage of it. His mind interests me, as soon as there's physical touch I will get excited, and there are several things that can happen after that. With Chrollo's incident still fresh it is most probably impossible for me to constrain myself.

'Ah, I can't do that at this point.'

'You can't? After that beautiful fucking speech, you can't? What a fucking joke.' He let himself fall back in his seat and raised his hands behind his head.

'I can, but I won't. Your expression tells me you're doing this to get me to cross boundaries I can't cross. I won't play into that.'

'You're saying you can't control yourself? I'm just asking for a little bit of care, where's my fucking hug?' He leaned back forward and threw his arms out in a challenge,

'Killua.'

'Yes?' He dropped them and leaned forward on his knees,

'I can show emotions like anyone without a brain deficiency can. That does not mean I will aid you in what you're trying to accomplish.' _Trying to get me off the case by either discrediting me or making sure I'm the one going to prison._ Was he still this opposed to me? I can hardly imagine he has preference of Chrollo over me. There is nothing he's done up until now that suggests that.

'Oh?' He sounded exactly like Hisoka when he made that sound. 'You sound so sure of what I'm trying to accomplish. But even if that's my goal, there aren't any cameras on in this room today, so you shouldn't have to worry about that. And you said you can show emotions, so encouraging words shouldn't be a problem, you have problems with physical contact? But you have trained in martial arts, so that can't be it either.' The intensity of interest in his eyes was increasing, he was gleaming that he'd caught wind of something,

'You don't seem like someone who'd refrain from doing something just because it's uncomfortable for you, so you really are afraid of consequences. Since words still wouldn't do anything, I take it there's a difference in touch for you concerning martial arts, and casual touch. Thinking back, the only times you touched me were when you bandaged my leg, did these stitches for me, and after our fight, and you were… off, after all of them.' He planted one of his elbows on his knee and started waving and pointing his finger while making his deductions. Seems like all this time he actually had paid attention, instead of just being upset about his situation. This could pose a problem.

'You also said something about me being so interesting that day, but I can't be sure that has something to do with it.' He tilted his head, 'So you can't really deny that touch has consequences for you. It remains to be seen what though. Probably not aggressive in a fighting way, because fighting didn't trigger anything with you, so that leaves only a couple of other options.' He sat back and crossed his legs wide, one hand on his hip, and the other in the air to prove his points one at a time. He seemed extremely pleased with himself at the moment.

'One, you get the need to kill. Two, not killing but maiming me. Three, you break down emotionally. Or four, you get physically excited.' He dropped his hand again and lay both his arms over the backrest, looking back at me intently. I cocked my head in question to this stare of his.

'You're waiting until I tell you if any of those is correct? Because that's not going to happen.'

'You could also just send some encouraging words my way.' They wouldn't reach him. Comparing the contact he has with his parents to what he has with Gon, words are empty to him unless physically touched.

'That won't work with you. Words have been taught as tools to you.'

'Well, you're not any different, are you?' I had a couple of choices left at this point. I could just refrain from playing into this, but that would warrant more attempts to this in the future. I could stand up and embrace him, hoping I would not get out of control and proving him wrong in his thought pattern – meaning the nature of the visit to Hisoka this afternoon would change. I could also use fear to keep him away from me, but this would merely confirm his findings and not stop his attempts in the least.

These were only the effects on me though. What effect would either of these choices have on Killua?

…

We need to leave this session with the right order still intact.

In the end I decided to stand up and walk towards him. He was highly interested in what was going to happen, but a little apprehensive as well. _I could stop myself if this would go wrong, couldn't I?_

I bent through my knees in front of him, and lay one hand on his leg, looking up at him. He twitched when I touched him, but didn't look away. I haven't had to put myself in this state for a long time… the cases I've had before didn't exactly demand it from me. I was deliberating for a second if I really should continue.

…Ultimately I did, and I regretted it deeply later on.

I sat up on my knees, lay my arms around his shoulders, and softly pushed his head against my shoulder. I felt him protesting a little, but he let it happen nonetheless.

'Do you know what one of the things was that Gon told me before you came here?' I whispered next to his ear. _Of course he didn't know, I'd told him not to discuss it._ Killua shook his head very lightly. The tension in his body was increasing. 'He said he was looking into the possibilities to have you live with him, to make you part of the family. He asked for my help. Do you want to be his brother?' I could feel the increase in heartbeat with him, and his breathing raised completely to his chest. It was subtle, but for someone that can make himself disappear and conceal his emotions on command, this was quite a reaction. Especially right now.

I let go after half a minute.

'I will be back in ten minutes.' I stood up and only took a short glance at the expression on his face before walking out the door. That reaction wasn't just from what I said. It was that somebody looking like the man he probably killed had said this. Someone that only resembled him in appearance, and had suddenly shown something he never showed.

Ten minutes weren't just for Killua. I will not go to Hisoka now though; I will take care of the consequences for myself right now.

Walking out the door, I didn't get very far though,

'Need a hand again already? Still glad you took the case?'

* * *

_'But I could never get Kito clear enough to do this with him, but now I've got you.'_

_'You're stuck with training again? It would be easier to hang out if you lived with us.'_

_'Of course you can stay over tonight! You're practically family either way.'_

_'Hey, don't worry about it, he's still alive and you're family for me as well, I'd never let you go to jail.'_

_Gon, you idiot, think of your real family first…_

* * *

_I can't, I… I can't destroy this office, I need to keep low profile with the rest of the institution…_

Was it true what he said? I want it to be true, and it sounds like something Gon would say, but… would he seriously still want that after what I did to him..?

I can't even let him, I'll have to deny him this… I've figured out that the only way I can get out of killing Gon's dad is by making either him, his mother or little brother appear dead. All my parents want is to sever the tie I have to Gon, I just need to fake Gon's death and everything will be alright until I'm strong enough to oppose their orders. _I can't possibly become your brother, Gon… my family will have your head…_

I pressed my hands on my legs to push them into the ground, to stop the fidgeting. I need to get myself together, I need to continue what I've started. _Come on Killua, you've been through more distress than this. Close your eyes and breathe in and out deeply…_

'… …' Fuck this,

'AAAHHHHHH!' I stood up and screamed when I turned around to kick the couch against the wall a couple feet behind it.

'How fucking dare you do this?! How dare you involve Gon, how dare you say something nice with _that_ fucking face?!' The piece of furniture toppled over back to me, and I decided to kick it more to the side where it hit a cabinet of which I cracked the side. It started falling apart as I watched.

'How dare you have that fucking face in the first place?! Stop rolling back to me!' I yelled at the couch as it came back again. I wanted to kick it again, but stopped when I saw the damage on it was about to rip it in half. I stepped back and withheld myself from kicking the coffee table away with my heel.

'What the hell are you?!' I raised my head and hands and asked the ceiling for this answer. 'Was your mother a fucking Death's Deliverer or not, what are you fucking doing now after you fucking touched me?!' _I need to know these things before I see my parents again tomorrow!_

I looked back down after taking a couple of very deep breaths and calming myself down a little. If Yellmi hadn't been such a big deal back then, I wouldn't have half as much problems with all of this.

'Tch.' I bent down to pick up the couch and put it back where it belonged. I looked to see if the cabinet was salvageable, but that was impossible within these ten minutes. I've given him a sign now that what he did affect me. That wasn't good. However it seemed to have as much consequences for him as for me.

I looked down at the couch, trying to get my annoyance out of the way and make sense of what just happened. The morgue… it was a perfect place for a Death's Deliverer to work. On top of that she'd had people after her life and probably died an early death. So Illumi grew up in the middle of that? It wasn't a wonder he was this stoic then. Doesn't really explain his problem with touch, but I don't need to know where it comes from as long as I know how to "use it against him." However, with all the experience he most likely has in hiding evidence and bodies, he will come in useful when having to shelter Gon.

But before I can ask him this, I will have to indirectly admit I am what I am. That was the problem. Would he even be willing to help me? I need to make sure of this first.

'… …' My head shot around at the sound of a large thump against the door after which it flew open. I pocketed my hands and gave the scene my full attention. Apparently Hisoka had walked back to this office, and stood leisurely in front of Illumi who – judging from his eyes – had wanted the man dead seconds earlier, but was starting to get completely stoic again.

He looked at Hisoka's face, but Hisoka had more attention for Illumi's shoulder. To which my shrink raised his hand and grabbed a tight hold of it before pushing it back into its socket. I didn't flinch at a sight like that, but seeing Illumi do it without reacting either was a strange sight. Hisoka then grinned back up at him, letting out a soft chuckle. _What kind of fucking relationship do you guys have?_

It was after that chuckle, that Illumi slowly turned his attention to me. He didn't need to use his little trick to let me notice he was in a killing mood. The look in his eyes told me enough, and instinctively I shuffled back a small step.

'Well, it seems that session is over for today. Any remaining questions can be asked at any time, but you probably won't get them answered.' A chill went up and down my spine. Not because of the words, but because he now lacked any kind of care towards anyone outside of himself. A total lack of empathy… this was new…

He turned around slowly and Hisoka stepped back a little to let him leave. My eyes widened a second when I realized there was still one important question left.

'Wait!' He stopped, but I was left to talk to his back. 'Is it possible to have a session elsewhere than here some time?' _I need this answered before tomorrow…_

'You either sacrifice three weeks' worth of Gon's visits to have a session at your house,' _… he guessed where..?_ '…or you wait until you've been here for a month. After that time something can be arranged, it's your choice.' When I didn't reply immediately, he started walking away again. I followed him with my eyes until he was out of sight, and started feeling Hisoka's attention on me. He crossed his arms and leaned back in the doorframe when I looked back at him. _He was dangerous right now._ I didn't move to stop from provoking him. It took a while before he spoke up again,

'You did quite a number on that cabinet, and I see the couch suffered as well.' He pointed a finger lazily at the two pieces of furniture. I don't know why he attacked Illumi, what even happened to him when he walked out the door?

I shifted weight to both my legs, but didn't answer,

'What did he do?' He asked. The grin on his face widened, and he lifted his head a little, making him look down on me some more. I just narrowed my eyes at him and refrained from opening my mouth. 'Did he tell you not to say anything? Because I can assure you there's few secrets between us.' He turned his hand around while saying this. 'Still not talking?' He retracted his hand and dropped it to his side.

'I'm not obligated to talk to you.' His eyes widened again for a second, before settling on a near slitted state,

'Oh~? Pragmatic, aren't you? How's Gon doing?' My lips stayed glued to each other. 'Wouldn't it be great if he could get admitted here as well? Then you could see him all the time.' My eyes widened a little at that idea, and the grin on Hisoka's face told me he noticed. _Jesus Christ, where did they find all these people?_ 'Wouldn't that help your situation? His father is still in danger of getting killed, isn't he? I mean they _are_ trying to sever your ties with Gon. Taking your friend off the radar of your parents should temporarily solve your problem, shouldn't it?' The malicious tone in his voice only made the words worse. 'Am I wrong?' He almost cooed the words, 'It's only a theory after all. Based on the things I hear from our dear Illumi.' Great, just what I need, someone like Hisoka on my case.

'But that conflicts with what you're parents want, doesn't it? You're obviously working on finding Illumi's weak points. You want to discredit him, right? Illumi knows that's the reason you want to have the session elsewhere.' _It wasn't very hard to discern that touch was his weak point though…_ I looked away for a split second. Even though they both knew exactly what was going on, they were not interfering with any of it. Not with me, not with my family, not with Gon's family.

'I have to say, it's a very cute plan.' My eyes fixated on his more than before when he raised his hand to cover a soft laugh. He closed his eyes, he seemed just as amused as after the fight with Illumi. It's an eerie laugh.

And it was followed by him only shifting his eyes back to me more intensely,

'It doesn't matter if you know Illumi's weakness, it doesn't matter that your family are the Zoldycks,' The tone of his voice dropped considerably after a short pause and his eyes nearly closed, '…you will never succeed in forcing him into any plan of yours. He's already made up his mind.' He took a moment to just stare at me before pushing himself away from the doorframe and leave my sight as well.

_Jesus fucking Christ._

Was my heart still in my fucking chest? Am I still breathing?

I'm used to threats, but every one of these guys here was in a league of his own.

I was glad to hear that at the very least Illumi wouldn't be caught so easily by my parents, but employing him for my plan to get Gon out of the picture would be difficult as well.

I pouted when I realized I actually felt offended by Hisoka saying Illumi was better at hiding things than my family was. _Fuck you Illumi, we're better than you Death's Deliverers._ I gave a light kick against the couch next to me, and jumped back a little when it creaked a bit too hard. I looked at it 'till I was sure it wasn't going to break in half.

If Illumi knows exactly what I'm doing, will he still agree on working with me? Is what Hisoka said actually an option… hiding Gon _here_ of all places.

I need to focus on my shrink a whole lot more from now on. What abilities could be useful for me, and what will he agree to helping me with..?

First of all though,

I sighed loudly and lifted my head when I gave a kick to the couch which made it break in two after all. That thing's not useful anymore anyway.

'I don't care it's Sunday, I will call you awake, Gon.' Illumi's fucking words about him had put some extra beats per minute on my heart as well, I need to get rid of at least a couple of those if I don't want to get a heart attack.


	13. Sunday Jan6th

'You're going home for the day?'

'You're still following me? Are you intent on ending up in the infirmary as well?' Although Hisoka had gotten the best of me just now, I am on the verge of a complete fighting mindset. He will not be able to beat me again.

'Oh~? But I don't think with a sore shoulder like that that you'll be able to defeat me.'

'An injury like this has never stopped me before. I recommend you change directions.' He didn't though, he stayed close behind me. That I had allowed Killua to see this was enough of a problem for today. I need to get better at subduing these unnecessary urges before his parents find a way to use them against me. I _can_ hold my own against them, I just need to refresh my knowledge and skills.

'Oh, but with you being this dangerous, how could I possibly stay away?'

'That's very easy.' I stopped in the middle of my step and turned towards him. I didn't even have to speak up for him to understand the double threat. After a couple of seconds he raised his hands in innocence, and I turned back around. It wasn't long 'till we got to the outside door, and I reached inside my pocket to find my keys.

'Will you ever stop threatening Phinks? He's a good dog, he's never done anything to you.' Hisoka still followed me outside. A cold gust greeted both of us, but neither of us shivered as reaction to it.

'How do you know he still is? You're even less home than I am. I would get a better evaluation of that from Kurapika.'

'Ah~ he's always such a good neighbor.'

'Hisoka.' I stopped and turned around when we reached my car. The state Hisoka was in now, was preventing him from ungluing himself from me. However, I am not permitting him to follow me to my home again. The last time that happened, things did not end well. 'Unless you can guarantee my furniture will survive and I will still be able to show up at work tomorrow, you're not coming with me.' He softly laughed at the comment and forcefully planted his hand against the side of my car, pinning me against it. In response to this I'd already lifted my keys and held them against his throat. It stopped his movement, but not his words.

'So cruel of you to give half permission. You know I won't hold back.' He licked his lips at the prospect of what could take place if he'd come along with me.

'Then I suggest you step away from me before I break one of your ribs.' I moved my free hand up a bit to bring it to the right angle to do this. Hisoka, in response, pressed his throat a bit more against my keys. He is a wildcard. He's useful to me because he knows of my problems and can deal with them perfectly. What he wants in return though, I am not inclined to provide him with that. However, when dealing with the consequences of my issue, chance is high that I _do_ permit him to do whatever he wants.

'Shouldn't you stay anyway? I do believe today is a good day to talk with Chrollo about this.'

'You want to keep me here? Do you think your chances are greater if I stay?' His grin widened. _He believed his chances would be greater if I first had to deal with Chrollo again._ 'I will deal with him over the phone. I will not give you this. Step away.' Before I punched him short distance on his solar plexus, he stepped away and avoided most of the impact. He still raised his hand and softly rubbed the area. He knows short range is my strongest offense. It needs to be. If the situation ever arose that someone would get this close, I needed to be able to disable with a single movement. 'Thank you.' The moment I turned around though, he approached me again. Anticipating this, I grabbed the arm that had reached out first, stepped back with one foot in a circular motion, and brought him out of balance with the one still in its place, twisting his arm with a force so he had no choice to spin over almost vertically. I wanted to force him down after, but he landed neatly on two feet and stepped away as soon as I loosened my grip and let his wrist go. He turned back to me when I opened the door and I stepped inside my car.

'Drive safe.' He started walking back inside as soon as the engine started. It's mostly in snowy times like this season that his red hair stands out the most. Somehow the intensifying look of this blood red color intensifies his inner urges as well.

* * *

'Tch…' I hissed in annoyance at the phone when Gon wouldn't pick up. I looked over at the lady handling the reception at this hour and gave her an annoyed look. She gave me twice the amount of annoyance back and casually twirled her back towards me.

'Well screw you too.' I muttered her way. She couldn't hear me from where I was standing, but that didn't matter. I stuck out my tongue before trying to reach him one last time. By now I was starting to feel some guilt, wondering if I wasn't waking up the entire house with th-

I almost dropped the phone when it already rang while I was dialing and quickly pressed the answering button, bringing it to my ear.

'… …' I hit myself on the head when I realized I'd just told the phone to call the incomplete number of Gon's phone; instead of actually answering. I hung up in slow-motion, and calmly started to dial the entire number. Waiting for Gon to finally answer. _I'm only clumsy when it comes to you, Gon, I fucking swear you're contagious._ I scowled at this.

' _Killua!'_

'Gon! Finally got hold of you.' Involuntarily I felt a smile creeping up on me.

 _'Are you kidding me? You thought I'd be up at this hour? Shouldn't you be in session right now?'_ I heard the yawn that escaped him, and some rustling of him turning in his sheets, I guessed.

'You sound exactly like me when I give you a hard time when you're not in class. Is this what 5am does to you?'

_'… …'_

'Gon, I can't fucking understand you if you're speaking into your pillow, you idiot.' I snorted when I heard the mumbling.

 _'I don't get up at 5am_ ever _. Why're you doing this to me Killua~.'_ He ended in a nagging tone which only amused me more. I turned around and leaned back against the wall.

'Just felt like calling. My shrink was being a bitch today.'

_'Which one?'_

'Illumi.'

 _'Ah, the one that looks like your first... yeah…'_ You really are still sleeping, aren't you? _'Isn't he always on your nerves?'_

'Yeah, but today a bit more. It's why session's already over.'

_'What happened?'_

'Not important.' Gon doesn't need to know about this. I want to keep it a bit more lighthearted than this. 'What're you doing today?'

 _'What? Oh, mostly homework.'_ He started rustling again before settling down, _'Can I be there again at eight tomorrow, or should I come by later?'_

'Why would you come later?'

 _'Because you were … … distracted.'_ A big yawn came in between the words.

'Of course I'm distracted, I'm juggling things over here.'

_'Parents still on your case huh?'_

'Aren't they always?' I scratched the back of my head at that thought. I like the results of my training, not necessarily the training itself.

 _'It would be easier if you lived with me, huh.'_ I… I can't believe you actually just said that. I'm the only one who's not a telepath….

'You know that's not possible.' The volume of my voice dropped considerably and I looked a bit up at the ceiling; feeling my foot wanted to start tapping nervously.

 _'Ah don't take it so hard I can't take that this early in the morning.'_ Gon spoke up, sounding frustrated, _'You're just impossibly stressed out all the time, it's not that hard to take a break from training, is it?'_

'I'm kinda in a critical stage of that right now, I can't bail out.'

 _'Right, you're working to your 100th so you can be called a professional.'_ I can't believe you can fucking say that so casually after I almost used your dad as a stepping stone towards that. How are you even okay with me doing this? How does that separation work in your mind – that the killing of others is alright but not when it comes close? I… how do you fucking accept that?

'Yup. But coming back to your question, it's alright if you're here at eight again tomorrow. I promise I'll not be as distracted. If you want to come later though…'

_'No, no, it's alright. If I come around the same time every week, then maybe I can make arrangements at school for rescheduling.'_

'Since when are you a practical thinker?' I half laughed into the phone, and I got some annoyed, sleepy noises back for that remark.

_'Well I have to be, don't I? I absolutely have to make it to next year thanks to making that promise.'_

'You sound like you're regretting your choice.' Cue more annoyed noises, and some rustling followed by a light thump. He'd gotten up?

_'I'm doing all I can, I swear, just you make sure to do the same, alright? Don't bail out on sessions.'_

'Oy! It wasn't me that bailed on-' I looked up when I heard ticking against the window, and got signaled that the five minutes were almost up. I nodded before finishing my sentence. 'I'm sorry, I have to go, I'll see you tomorrow.'

 _'Right, see you then.'_ I hung up after and casually twirled the phone in my hand while walking back to the receptionist and throwing the thing back at her.

She caught it with ease, but I was startled by the voice behind me a second later.

'Where has Illumi gone off to, leaving at the start of the session?' I turned around and looked up at the supposedly leading shrink on my case; aka the enigma. Mr. Enigma looked different right now though. His hair wasn't slicked back, and he wasn't in full suit. _Right, he was at the infirmary up 'till now according to Illumi._

'Stuff apparently happened and he bailed. Don't blame me for it.' I took a more casual stance and waited for his answer. He looked over my head towards the exit. Yeah, Illumi most probably went home. 'If you want to know more about it, I think Hisoka knows and should be around.' Just don't go looking for him with me, I don't want to be within ten feet of that redhead today.

'That's alright, I will call Illumi at eight.' His eyes turned back down at me, 'We're finishing your hours for today first.' But today was just about me asking Illumi questions, do you even have anything prepared? 'Don't worry, I always have questions ready. Unlike Illumi though, I am not willing to part with personal information. If you want to continue that, you will have to wait until he feels like doing this for you again.' _That should be never then,_ and can you stop reading my thoughts, thank you very much. 'However, this was a promise of his, so I will make sure it happens in the near future.' Suddenly you're being the main shrink?

'How very kind of you.' I said mockingly. He looked me straight in the eyes for a second before he smiled and slowly turned around, walking away with the order for me to follow him. I took a couple feet of distance though, and could see from the way he walked that probably his left shoulder was injured. It was only a slight difference in his walk though, so I couldn't discern the extent of this injury. On top of that, someone like Chrollo probably knew how to conceal it goddamn well.

'How high do you guess chances are I'll be receiving report of your short session?' He turned his head slightly when asking this.

'He's anal about this, right? Why wouldn't he?' I was putting question marks all around the happenings this morning. After all that has happened up 'till now I doubted I had sufficient defense against Chrollo's questions; even though they would be improvised. This was going to be a bitch of a day…

* * *

It's been a useless day. I'm acting too reckless and I should stop doing this. Having one session in Killua's home will be no problem with a little preparation, but I have to be honest – I need to be clear for that.

I sat down on the couch and looked around the dark room; hearing the sound of a shower being turned on upstairs. Now that I'm back to normal I can convince myself Chrollo's only remaining goal here is to test my responses for when I go to the Zoldyck's estate; the reason he used to come over was to talk about our cooperation, but we both know it's because he wants to try if he can find out something about me. At the very least I'm certain Killua won't give up Gon's visits to have a session at his parents' house – so it's two more weeks until that session. He's only pleading for the relocation because of his parents' influence; he's more interested in finding a way to lead both lives.

It's a futile effort, they're not combinable. Unless Gon becomes a part of the Zoldyck family, they cannot remain friends. Having friends – having connections not skilled enough to defend themselves against their enemies – it's selfish. He'd bring all the danger of his family to Gon's family. He needs to make the choice of either giving up Gon or getting him adopted; and I doubt the Zoldycks - or Gon himself - are open to that.

Although important to understand, this is none of my concern. My interest in his motivations is slowly fading due to this transparency. It's time we start preparing him so he can talk himself out of here, and to give him qualms about taking someone's life. Someone like Killua will destroy the institution if he stays there too long. I don't feel like dealing with the hassle of having him near me when he realizes the futility of the choice he's trying to make.

I stood up again and walked upstairs to get a change of clothes. Chrollo had come here about half an hour ago. Apparently he'd tried to contact me but I hadn't answered. This could have indeed happened. I'd explained to him all I'd needed to explain. Afterwards he decided that his new goal for the evening would be to test me. I hadn't objected to this. Though his motives were not ones to help me, it was because of that that it would be a good test. He seems desperate to learn something about me.

I gave a quick look to the half open door to the shower, and stopped for a second.

'Don't take long, we need to get up early for Killua's session.'

'Do I have permission to at least step under it?' My eyes turned back to my bedroom door when it opened, and Chrollo walked past me wrapped in a towel.

'Take ten minutes, we'll have one hour afterwards.' He lifted his hand in confirmation to this and disappeared into the bathroom. 'If you're not there in ten minutes tonight's not happening.'

'Are you still on edge from this morning?'

'You do not seem to understand. Tonight is only happening because you're a good test to see if someone who's interested in my past can find out something about it. Your ways of trying to "win" me over are wasted on me; and the longer they continue, the harder it is to work together. So either you seize your tricks or I'm talking to Zeno to get you removed from the case.' I heard a laugh coming from the bathroom; even if I'd convince Zeno to do this, Chrollo's word weighed heavy as well.

'Shall I take the lead in the coming sessions? You're unimpressed with my contributions, right?'

'If you want to do that, then we're discussing that tonight instead of you testing me.'

'Alright.' I hadn't expected him to comply this quickly, but I wasn't complaining. It would make tonight easier.

I finally walked inside my bedroom and got the change of clothes I'd initially come upstairs for.

* * *

_'Chrollo?' I opened the door and cocked my head when I saw it was him at the door. I'd been ready to keep Hisoka at bay when I reached the door, but I hadn't expected Chrollo to come by instead of call._

_'Can I come in?'_

_'No. Why are you here.' I still held on to the door._

_'I heard from Killua that you'd made yourself scarce. I called, but you didn't answer. Why did you leave your patient ten minutes into the session?'_

_'Killua didn't tell you?' I inclined my head again. That was unusual. I thought he would be thrilled to drive a wedge in between his two shrinks by telling of my weakness. 'I experience triggers now and again. I retreat when I do. Zeno did not inform you?' Of course Zeno hadn't informed him. No-one knows of this outside of Hisoka and him. No-one outside of them_ needs _to know._

_'It seems I've been withheld some valuable information. I repeat the question; what happened?'_

_'I already answered.'_

_'A trigger so severe that you have to leave suddenly and go home?'_

_'Not always.'_

_'When not, then?'_

_'If you're so interested in this, we will discuss it tomorrow. Right now is out of the question.' His look changed when I said this. It was subtle, but his focus on me intensified._

_'You left a patient ten minutes into session to take care of a trigger that involves you having to leave the institution. Killua finished his hours with me, but this unusual situation needs to be avoided in the future. For that, I will come in now.' I looked at him a bit longer and noticed for a change he was actually serious about his motivations. Though the main motivator still lay somewhere else. I had to agree that the situation had been unfavorable, and it would be easier to resolve it now than waiting until Hisoka would._

_'Alright.' I stepped aside and he nodded slightly when walking past me inside._

_'If I recall correctly then you live too far from here to go home tonight, right?'_

_'Right.' I'd let him in knowing this. I wasn't beyond sending him away in the middle of the night, so that wasn't a problem either way. Just confirming his main motivator. 'I take it you already calculated before letting me in?' He hung his coat in the hallway and followed me to the living room after I'd closed the door. 'So what actually happens when you're touched?' He stopped in the middle of the room, but didn't turn. He casually looked around._

_'You're asking instead of finding out empirically this time?' I walked past him, and felt his attention on me when I sat down on the couch. I wasn't planning on giving this visit any more attention than was needed though, and started planning out the rest of my evening accordingly._

_'Well, thinking back on the severity when I merely reached out a hand and the fact that you abandoned work, I reckon it's serious, so I'm refraining from agitating you more than necessary.'_

_'If you want to do that, you can make yourself at home and pretend I'm not even here.' I looked back up at him when he sat in the comfortable chair in front of me. He took a second before speaking up again. In that second all his eyes were doing was sizing me up; analyzing me._

_'You don't care about your home, yet you still come here now and again. If this was just a building so you'd have a home address, you wouldn't bother doing that. If you dislike the facilities of the institution you would've chosen a house or apartment closer to where you work. Why do you even have this house.' Though the question came seemingly out of nowhere, it's not that I don't have my reasons._

_'That doesn't concern you. Are you going to be asking useless questions like this all evening? Because if that's the case, then I think I'm sending you away.' His demeanor didn't change in the least; instead he leaned forward on his knees and the intensity of his attention increased once more._

_'I don't really care if you send me away. Coming inside is more than I'd anticipated on achieving tonight. You're reclusive, but you don't show any signs of objection when it comes to letting me see this personal space of yours – which is unusual because you probably have a personal attachment to this place. And yet your mind is closed off. You're full of contradictions. And that's telling me you're keeping options open to either a past life, or another life you'd rather be leading. And this touch issue has a lot to do with these options.'_

_'Are you expecting me to answer, or are you content with just telling me your theories?' He smiled and closed his eyes for a second. I am well aware of my motivations, I do not need his words to have this knowledge._

_'Does anyone know of your past?'_

_'No.' Although Killua knew some useless information now._

_'You're lying.'_

_'It doesn't matter if I am or if I'm not. These questions have nothing to do with our cooperation.'_

_'My apologies, this is true.' He leaned back and folded his hands in his lap. 'How can we avoid a trigger happening again in the future?'_

_'Impossible.'_

_'Impossible?'_

_'I chose a place to work where I knew triggers existed. I place myself in these situations on purpose.'_

_'Oh?' Contrary to Killua, Chrollo didn't sound the same as Hisoka when he got this interested._

_'Should I tell you why, because you sound like you've already deducted for yourself what the reasons are.'_

_'There's a lot of possibilities, you can't expect me to narrow -' He stopped talking when he realized what I'd played at. There are indeed a ton of possibilities and I do not intend on narrowing them down. His mouth opened and closed a little before accepting this and moving on. 'Then I'm your backup on this case? Zeno knows of your issue, but has let you work alone on all previous cases. That would be peculiar, but it isn´t. The difference between those cases and this one is the level. Zeno believed a trigger would happen because of this. So another factor for a trigger is the level of insanity of your patient? No, that's not right… I'm not allowed to touch you either, so it has to do with intelligence?'_

_'Are you still fishing for answers?' I wanted to stand up and get something to drink, but leaving now was impossible. In this power-play we were apparently holding, I needed to stay where I was._

_Chrollo was taking in every little movement I was making, and noting the intonation in every word I said. I haven't seen him on high alert like this before. It was impressive. But he was underestimating me._

_'Yes, intelligence is one of the triggers.' It didn't matter if he knew this._

_'Another one being touch.'_

_'Which seems more of an obsession for you than for me.' I took my chance in the small second of silence. I knew that eventually we'd get back on this topic, and I turned this interrogation around. 'Though it's different than with Hisoka. He has a passion for it, and even when it's not needed he will find a way to force it – either physically or mentally. Either way he gets his way often enough. You act more like someone who wants it because he's never had any.' He withdrew a little, but his high alert only changed; it didn't disappear. 'Somehow my presence seems to have triggered your need for it. But thinking back on Hisoka's words that you were off-limits suggests that touch is as forbidden for you as you say it is for me.'_

_'I didn't think this would go unnoticed.'_

_'Tell me, why do you think I will indulge you in my reasons when you won't give me yours. Because both our reasons are interfering with our cooperation.' This time I leaned forward, and some of my hair glided over my shoulder, shadowing my face a little. The amount of calculation in his eyes suggested it was extremely private information, and he weighed his options of how to pry information from me without having to give everything of his own in return. He shifted in his seat to loosely cross his legs before he answered._

_´People don´t interest me.´ I raised an eyebrow at those words, but he continued before I could form any thoughts about it. ´There´s only a few that do. I come from a harsh environment - like you already guessed two weeks ago – and surviving is more important than trusting people. For that I chose to work here to keep myself sharp – also like you guessed. I'm one to keep anyone at bay with words unless they seem strong enough to survive with me.'_

_'With how careful you are at the moment I have no way of discerning if your words are true or not; so what are you trying to accomplish with this?' It would explain his reaction to hearing Machi had returned though. They've supposedly known each other for a long time. Still it could all be part of his play. 'You know I will not tell you anything just because you have done so.'_

_'Hmph.' He huffed, and his lips upturned a little when I said this. He hadn't expected any differently, had he. 'I did this to eradicate at least one of the barriers.'_

_'Then I will be clear; I have no intention of creating lasting bonds of any kind.' He leaned his head back a bit and his eyes shifted to the side a little. He doesn't believe I will last in this conviction? The 26 years up until now have proven otherwise. 'Does your interest extend to Killua as well?'_

_'No it doesn't. He's only reachable for Gon because of his tunnel vision. Oh, and for you as well of course, because you look like someone he's killed before.' I nodded and his eyes shifted back. 'Either way, I'm flattered that you find my intelligence alluring enough that it could cause a trigger. Whatever your reason is for purposely putting yourself in these situations, I will be there to stop anything serious from happening. Is that alright with you?' I nodded again. This just meant he would be there with every session and will not touch me himself. 'Now,' he stood up with that word. 'I will refrain from agitating you even more, and would like to ask if it's alright I take a shower here.'_

_'Up the stairs, second door on the left.' I pointed at the general direction, 'After you're done we're continuing this questioning; it's a good test to prepare for the session at Killua's house.' He smiled down on me and nodded lightly. He walked off after having given me a look that spelled that he now knew more about me than he was verbally expressing._

_This conversation was a good test, but I need to watch what I'm doing. Although not impossible, having to take care of a trigger on my own takes a bit more effort._

_However, doing this practice now, I couldn't ask for a better test._

_What does Chrollo now know about me though. He knows I have an attachment to this house; he's most probably either guessing personal attachment or convenience for something other than work. I haven't given him anything that could narrow it down more than that._

_He knows that I practice what I do because I'm – now more consciously than not – keeping options open to another life. However he has no idea what that is._

_In return, I don't think he lied to me about his past. What he told me was very basic and doesn't tell me anything about him. His defensive stance seems to have been genuine. That he told me this without asking for anything in return tells me he will try one thing or the other in the near future though. This is not good; not after this morning._

* * *

'You let your guard down, how unusual.' I stiffened up for a second and dropped the shirt I was holding when I felt the touch of Chrollo's hand against my neck, and his fingers against my cheek. _When had he snuck up on me..?_

My instinct kicked in a second later though, and I grabbed that hand, twirling him in front of me with a force, and twisted his arm so he'd be forced to the ground. I placed my legs on either side of him and pinned both his hands down. He was still undressed, and I'd been in the middle of redressing, so by now there was a lot of contact between our skins. This wasn't doing me much good.

I saw a smile of accomplishment on Chrollo's face, but vision was slowly fading as my hair glided down my back and shoulder, and fell around his head like a curtain. I didn't allow for changing facial expressions, but I felt I needed to step away before something would go wrong.

'So… what's going to happen now?'


	14. Monday 7th

The scene before me was slightly confusing.

Neither of my shrinks were here, and on top of that it was Hisoka sitting in Illumi's chair. I wasn't exactly looking forward to three hours alone with that guy. _Why weren't my shrinks here, though._

'You're going to stand there pouting for three hours? I got up early just for you.' Hell no, I wasn't spending time alone with this creep.

'Where are Illumi and Chrollo?'

'They're working on your case, _very_ hard.' He wasn't even trying to conceal that he was lying. I leaned my shoulder against the doorframe and furrowed my eyebrows a bit more. I need to fill these hours, I know, but will I still be alive at eight? Remembering yesterday, I wasn't so sure of that.

 _I don't know what kind of consequences you've had last morning Illumi; but if you're this sensitive to touch, then bringing you to my parents' house without actually getting you framed, is going to be tougher than I thought._ What does Chrollo even have to do with all of this, is he a victim in all of this? Do you actually get violent because of touch?

'Do the hours still count if it's you, or are you just here for your own amusement?'

'Oh, it's all official, don't worry. Illumi is going to do the paperwork for that.' His grin was unchanging through all of this, but his eyes told me…

…I can't believe I fucking considered leaving the door open like I'm some kid afraid of the dark. Being away from my job is doing bad things to my nerves.

'Then I guess it's alright, but I want a good explanation why they're not here. After all the fuss they've made about me filling my hours, they better have a good reason.' I crossed my arms and pushed myself away from the doorframe, slowly walking towards the new couch. The cabinet had also already been replaced. _Well that was quick_ ; _then what took them so long on my room._

'You'll have to ask them when they come in later today. I only got a one second call last night.' He leaned his elbow on the armrest and inclined his head to his hand – laying a finger on his lips and watching me intently when I sat down. _You know exactly what's going on_.

'Will they be here to accompany me when Gon comes to visit?' I suddenly got a dreaded feeling when his eyes narrowed and he answered,

'I will most probably be the one to do that.' What the hell kind of serious consequences were these that you still feel them 24hours later, Illumi?!

'Are you allowed to?'

'I'll have to ask.'

'And if you're not allowed and neither of my shrinks show up today?'

'Then you'll get a rescheduling.' I pouted at the thought of that. I really don't want to spend a whole week without contact with him while I'm in here. 'How close are you two?' I kept my eyes narrowed at him while leaning forward on my legs and looking at him intently. If I had to make a distinction between all three of these shrinks, it was that Illumi's a calculating predator, Chrollo's an invisible predator, and Hisoka's a predator that knows its strength and plays with its food. There's nothing in his look that tells me he wants to… treat me.

'We're very close, we tell each other everything.' He looked amused,

'Oh? So he knows about your profession?' I forced my face to not change expressions,

'What profession? I'm still in school. I'm only 14, you know.' Good, my voice remained even as well, and I didn't pause.

'Should I call it extracurricular activities then?'

'I do martial arts; if that's what you're talking about, then yes Gon knows about it. He trains as well.' The tip of his tongue flicked out for a second when he heard this. _Oh like hell am I letting you near Gon. You'll eat him alive._

'Do you train together?'

'Nah, we do different sports. We're both fanatics though.'

'I know you're more versed in ways to trick your opponent while fighting, what kind of art does Gon practice then?'

'Excuse me, but how is th-'

'I don't need to explain my questions, do I? Have Chrollo and Illumi taught you this badly?' He leaned forward; resting his elbows on his knees and folding his hands, half hiding his face behind them. But even those large hands couldn't hide the amusement in his grin. I looked directly into the focus of his eyes and calculated my words for a second. _Were his eyes really golden..? Is that possible..?_

'They have a different way of handling things. They're… open in what they're doing.' His eyebrow raised slightly. Was this strange behavior for them?

'But if they're … open, then it shouldn't come as a surprise that we know you're an assassin, should it?' _Fuck you, Hisoka. Fuck you for saying it out loud._ 'You don't have to admit it, if that's what's bothering you. Or should I just turn the surveillance off in this office?' He stretched out one finger probably pointing in the direction of where he could do that.

'Why would that be needed, I have nothing to confess.' At the very least I've had a day to get accustomed to the idea of them knowing about it.

His stretched out finger raised upwards and started moving left and right while shaking his head slightly.

'You're still convinced we'll send you to prison? Do you think it's worse to be there than here?' I forced my heart to keep beating normally. 'You really haven't done your homework, have you. Haven't you seen the statistics? I really thought you'd be more thorough than that. What percentage of patients that come here go to prison?' He folded his finger back and lifted his face a little so I could see his lips moving. At the very least I could confess to having hacked their system, that secret hadn't been a secret for very long. So I thought back on that information.

'A little over one percent.'

'And that is from a total of how many treated patients?'

'Two thousand thirty one.'

'What is the severity of the cases we handle?' I see where he's going with this,

'You range from attempted murder to serial killings, with or without signs of clinical mental illnesses.'

'How many of those actually belong in prison?'

'… …' Probably ninety percent of them. At the very least Feitan…

'We exist for research purposes. Didn't your parents tell you that we found you, and not the other way around?'

'So you're… what? A place that miraculously cures killers?' His grin grew once again before he answered.

'Nothing miraculous about it.'

'You're just _that_ good, are you.' I gave him a bored look. He snickered shortly at my answer,

'Would you believe it if I said yes?'

'No.'

'Have you researched me?' His eyebrows raised for a moment and he inclined his head a little, obviously hoping for a positive answer. And yes, yes I looked him up after we met him right before I came here. So I nodded to his question. 'How many patients have I treated, and how many have gone to prison?'

'In the five years you're here, you've completed a hundred treatments, and none of those went to prison.'

'And how many of them have left this place?'

'… …' I straightened my back a little when I realized what he was saying.

'We stop actively treating them after a while, but not all of them are allowed to fully leave afterwards. We keep them around for… other purposes.'

'What kind of purposes?'

'Do you think Dr. Machi is capable of killing?' I narrowed my eyes a bit more at him. They employed their patients sometimes..?

'… are _you_?' _Is it really humanly possible to stretch your mouth that wide..?_

'So you see, we're not the least bit interested in imprisoning you. Although some of our psychologists do feel morally obligated to try. To be honest, it's only me, Illumi and Chrollo that really don't care. The only thing those two have done up until now is discern how much of a killer you are, and getting you to admit one way or the other that you are. My guess lays with that you have a hundred kills to your name, how much has it been? We have a small wager going.' He unfolded his hands completely to hold up one finger, indicating the number. _Even if you're not sending me to prison, I can't talk about it, so it's no use either way._

'So… what? Even if you know someone's gonna kill again, you're setting them free?'

'You don't need to concern yourself with that.' Actually I do. Will I just stay here forever, or will I be allowed back to my old life? What're you guys fucking aiming at?

One thing was sure by now though. I don't think it's a question anymore that Illumi's mother was a Death's Deliverer. And all of this confession explains the uneasy feeling I've had around all of them; that feeling they would stab my back if they'd ever get a reason to. _You're all killers, all three of you, aren't you?_

I sighed deeply and let myself fall back against the backrest,

'Fine! Whatever. I don't know if you're lying, but it doesn't really matter either way. I'm not an assassin. You missed the board with me.' I really can't say if he's telling the truth, but Hisoka _did_ give me a way to let my parents find out some things about this place. You usually don't do that if you're lying your ass off, do you?

'Does Gon know that you're not?' I could hear the amusement in his voice.

'Yes he knows. Why wouldn't he know that I don't kill people?'

'Then what was your motivation for the attempted murder on Ging Freeccs?'

'It was a series of unfortunate events, we've been over this.' _Don't force me to go down this road, Hisoka._

'… …' He only stared at me for half a minute. Each passing second seemed to make the distance between us smaller when he looked me in the eyes. What was he seeing..? 'Who learned you how to hack?'

'I learned it by myself.' I quirked an eyebrow when he asked.

'What kind of martial arts did you borrow your killer moves from?'

'I don't really remember, I've done a ton of arts and they kinda blended together.'

'Are you better in close- or long range fighting?'

'Look at me, you really think I can do long range?' Bullshit, he was referring to the use of hidden weapons,

'Will you make your presence disappear for me like you did before fighting Illumi?'

'What are you talking about? I never did that.' He laughed shortly before leaning back in the chair and leaning his head on one hand, loosely crossing his legs. _Has he blinked yet during these questions?_

'How very interesting.'

'What is?' He put me on edge.

'Let's go back to Gon—'

'No, what—'

'I'm sorry, was I finished talking?' His eyes widened for a short second, and I immediately closed my lips again. He knows, doesn't he? He knows I can't talk about being an assassin. I only made my presence disappear when fighting Illumi because I didn't mind giving that away so I could seriously learn fighting skills from him. But now that I'm in front of Hisoka, I can only deny I ever did. While, you know, he was actually there when I did it.

'… …'

'Should I contact Zeno first to confirm if I'm allowed to take you two out or not?' He leisurely pointed his finger towards the phone on the desk. I closed my eyes and nodded. It wasn't necessarily dangerous that he knew. I mean, they fucking know what I do, so me not being able to talk about it is not a big deal. The only thing I need to focus on right now is finding out how to get them to help me getting my parents off my case.

Oh, and, you know, find out if I'll ever get out of here and what kind of fucking guinea pig I am to them. What is the actual purpose of this institution…

'You're very interesting, just so you know. Apart from Feitan, I don't think I've seen someone like you in a long time. It's a shame I have not been put on your case. I think you would've been perfect for me.' He stood up with those words, and walked towards the desk. 'When you're able to, please tell me the number of kills on your name though, I do have a lot of money in this bet.'

 _And here I thought_ I _came from a demented environment…_

* * *

'It's 8am.'

'Thank you, I am aware.' I raised myself from my pillow and looked up at Chrollo already standing fully dressed in the middle of the room. Never mind taking care of a trigger myself, it hasn't been this bad in a while even with Hisoka. I didn't think having just one high level case was going to do this. I need to reconsider if it's still worth it putting myself through this. Chrollo learned more about me than I wanted him to know. With his need to ensnare me somehow, he needs to know as little as possible about me. I don't want or need the kind of bond he wants from me.

'I have a case at 12, I won't be available 'till after working hours. I take it we're going to discuss this later today?' He turned his head around halfway his words, 'I believe I haven't seen half your hid-'

'There's little to discuss. I suggest you focus on your work, and talk with Killua's parents about the session at their house.' He gave me a light smile and stopped his movements for a moment, just to quietly look at me. By now this did little to me anymore, and I gave him a blank stare back. Judging from last night, he will look for more opportunities to evoke these reactions from me. I don't believe taking him off the case will result in him leaving me alone anymore. I need to think of a better way to not let it get this out of hand.

'How late can I tell Hisoka you'll be there to relieve him from Gon?'

'I will be there at 11.' I swung my legs off the bed and stood up to get some clothes, bringing all my hair to my back while walking to the closet. I will need a shower before going to work.

'Alright. If you still want to test yourself for the session at Killua's house, I'll see you at seven tonight.' He turned back around and walked out the door. I stopped looking for clothes for a moment to think if any of the methods of my old life would be useful to keep him at bay. However, there were few that would ensure he would live. I will have to deal with him and Hisoka in a new way.

I turned away from my closet when I heard my phone ringing downstairs, and casually walked down to pick it up. I didn't think it would keep ringing 'till I got there, this insistency could only mean one person,

'Hisoka, shouldn't you be accompanying Killua and Gon.'

 _'No,_ you _should be.'_ I lifted an eyebrow when I heard Zeno's voice at the other side of the line, and changed my mindset to talking with the head of the institution.

'Hisoka didn't talk with you about him filling in?'

_'There's no such thing as filling in with this job, Illumi. Patients shouldn't alternate, it's one of the basics I've taught you. Both you and Chrollo will answer for this at seven tonight.'_

'My apologies. I will take the blame for this, Chrollo was only…'

_'Don't insult me, I know what's been going on between you two. I also know that you left the session early yesterday as well. I want you in my office half an hour earlier.'_

'I will be there.' He sighed deeply before continuing,

_'Illumi… you attacked Hisoka without it being a sparring session, you leave one session and skip another, you kicked Chrollo's shoulder out of its socket… if I don't hear a decent reason why you're not giving more of the pressure to Chrollo to avoid triggers, you're off this case.'_

'I understand. I will see you at six thirty.' This sounded more serious than I'd anticipated, and I raised my hand to fix my hair once again. If there is anyone from whom I can take orders unconditionally, it's Zeno. So this conversation came in loud and clear.

 _'Until then.'_ He hung up. I should've expected all of this to have a consequence; however, failing to meet standards of this institution has not happened before, as such Zeno never needed to scold me for it.

I still believe Zeno is testing me in some kind of way on this case; had the results of his tests disappointed him? Had he not expected Chrollo to fail in supporting me? Putting me in a trigger situation with Chrollo supporting me hadn't been his test?

I put the phone down on its stand again and walked back upstairs to take the much needed shower. I lifted a hand and stroke a finger softly across my cheek where I felt another drop of blood trickling down. I walked in the bathroom and looked in the mirror hanging above the sink. I will take care of the little flowing blood after I finish washing the dried up portion off me.

* * *

'Hahaha! Ohoho! Oh man, stop! Please for the love of god, I can't…!' At first I wanted to cover my mouth to keep my laugh to myself, but watching Gon haul in that giant trampoline – a fucking new one that was even bigger – was too much for my funny bone. 'You're killing me, please… please let me help.' I tried my hardest to form comprehensible words. I hope you have those fucking pictures from public transport like you promised, Gon.

'I've got it! I told you I've got it! I just need…' He was completely focused on getting it in the building when clearly it needed to be moved on its side. _How the hell have you made it here with that sleepy head of yours._ No, never mind. This is way too fucking hilarious to watch. 'There!' The top of the packaging had almost ripped off while he pulled it through the door, and I had to hold on to the wall while laughing to keep standing. I clenched my stomach and calculated the possibility of me dying of laughter today.

'I… I… give me a moment.' I waved at Gon when he gave me a strange look. I had to close my eyes and turn away from him for a second to catch my breath. The mere thought of seeing him like this on the road was just… it was too much… When I heard him walking towards me, I raised a hand and took a couple of deep breaths before turning back around.

'It was a lot of trouble getting it here, you know. It doesn't exactly perfectly fit in a bus. I took in about eight seats in the back.' I snickered for another second at that image before I was finally able to respond again.

'I know, I'm… I'm sorry.' I wiped away the tears from laughing and looked up at him. You dork, I can't believe you actually did this, 'I'm really grateful that you did. But… you know… I never thought you'd actually do it.' I patted him on the shoulder out of gratitude and said to myself, 'I have no idea how the hell you managed though…'

'Ah! You wanted pictures of that, right?' My eyes widened for a second when I heard those enthusiastic words and did my utmost best to keep from bursting into another laughing fit.

'Please, please save them for later, I can't do this right now.' I grabbed his arm to stop him from getting his phone out of his pocket.

'Then where can we set this up?' I snorted again when thinking about the route to the gym. It would take half an hour to get it down there. Although it would be totally worth it, it would be more handy if we just carried the parts there.

'You're incorrigible. How is your body so much more awake than your brain is?' I pricked his forehead before he looked back insulted.

'Hey! I rescheduled school all the way to summer break for you, give me some credit.'

'I am, don't worry.' I gave him a genuine smile after that before continuing, and his face relaxed a bit more after that as well. 'Let's just take the parts out and carry them to the gym, it'll be easier that way. You gonna help us? You're supposed to supervise, right?' I looked back and challenged Hisoka with the look on my face. Suddenly, in Gon's presence, Hisoka didn't feel like half the threat he'd felt like during session.

'Where's Illumi and Chrollo?'

'Like hell I know, they sent me him as substitute.'

'You're that friend of Illumi's, right?' Hisoka nodded when Gon addressed him. 'Thank you for helping out as well.'

'Not a problem, how is your father doing?' I could feel that grin of his burning in my back, but Gon – once more – didn't feel anything of it and answered normally.

'Ah, it's taking longer than they expected for him to wake up, but there's nothing critical, so it'll be alright.' The smile after those words was directed at me.

'Ah~ that must be good to hear for Killua-kun as well. Even though in a couple of weeks he'll be fo—' All blood left my face when I realized where that sentence was going, and I interrupted him,

'Yeah, I'm really glad to hear it's going well with your dad. Let's unpack and talk about it on our way to the gym.'

'Alright!' I know Gon _must_ have picked up on something of what Hisoka said, but he just gleamed at me before taking the initiative and toppling the package over.

Behind me I heard the redhead snickering in amusement, and I instantly regressed myself into a killing mood to be able to exude the bloodlust I had learned during my fight with Illumi. Hisoka stopped walking passed me and listened for a second when he felt this,

'If you do anything else to endanger my friendship today – or any other day - I will find a way to take your head without it having consequences for me.' From the corner of my eyes I noticed him straightening his back a little, and his full interest on me. At this point I didn't care he found this side of me interesting or not, I do not let these "slip-ups" go unpunished, and he needs to know his place as substitute shrink.

After a couple of seconds I heard a snicker escape him before he responded.

'You're finally aware of how to survive this place, I'm so proud.' It was the same menacing tone he'd used yesterday, but somehow I didn't feel nearly as threatened. He brought his hand to his lips a second before walking on to help Gon.

* * *

'Hey! Hey! But you can't make it to the ceiling!'

'Are you kidding me? Watch me go!'

'Isn't it a beautiful sight, such childlike innocence, and yet Killua-kun has probably already killed dozens of people, and I don't hold it above Gon's head either.' I had made it to the institution by eleven, and stood beside Hisoka, watching the boys bounce on the giant trampoline on the court. I cocked my head and still had to wonder how Gon had managed to get it here with public transport.

'The way he deals with this whole situation is abnormal indeed, he has seen more unnatural death in his life. Killua is most likely unaware of this. Have they been on it this whole morning?'

'Do you want to give it a go?' I turned my head a little and saw the amusement on his face. He was just eager about having Gon here fulltime. Which will most likely happen if we want Killua to ever leave – it probably _is_ the only way for Killua to save Ging.

'What did you learn this morning?' He gave a short chuckle, and I turned my head back to the boys. Didn't seem like they wanted to go out, but Killua is entitled to.

'That Dr. Lucilfer had an interesting night last night.'

'That interesting night has caused a meeting with Zeno, I will be fighting to stay on this case. So if your goal is to have both Killua and Gon to yourself, you are doing well. However I know this is never your goal. I'm highly suggesting you stop your jealousy. I will maim you without anyone ever knowing it was me if you continue to inconvenience me. I will take care of my triggers by myself from now on.' I turned my eyes a bit more towards him when I heard a low chuckle exit his throat, but decided to continue. 'What did you learn from Killua this morning?' The chuckle stopped before he answered,

'He was unaware of the nature of this institution. He's also physically unable to talk about his profession.'

'He is?'

'He seems less unwilling to talk about it now though.'

'I will learn his way of talking around it then.' Although it will most probably take a long time before he actually talks with us about it.

'You can also learn threatening from him, compared to how you used to be and compared to how he did it this morning, I barely got a chill from your words.' Killua threatened him? 'And he doesn't even know why he did it, he's got a huge blind spot, and he thinks he's got it all figured out. He's such a mess.' From the corner of my eye I saw him licking his lips. That Killua had been placed in mine and Chrollo's care instead of Hisoka's was a mystery in itself. Hisoka was the one to go to when it concerned people that were suspected of killing more than a dozen. But I trust Zeno's judgment for now.

'I will work on it then.' After that I stepped away from him and called in both the boys to assess if they still felt the need to go out. I was a bit taken aback by the smiling happy faces when they answered positively – even though Killua gave me an calculating look while passing me.

It is impossible for him to know the exact nature of my issue, but he is obviously aware of some of the outcomes and he's weighing his options to deploy his plan, isn't he?


	15. Monday 7th - part 2

I had to admit to myself that I wasn't fully back to normal. Chrollo had seen and found out more than I wanted him to. I don't really care about my past, but he seemed too eager to make a connection that would only be troublesome to me.

Next to my past though, I'd rather have kept knowledge of the consequences of my issue limited to the two obligated persons. Somehow it is… "fun" for weaker individuals to take advantage of the weakness of someone stronger – even when they don't gain anything from it. Dealing with those people is more troublesome than keeping it a secret. At the very least Chrollo is not interested in spreading the secret.

By now it was close to my meeting with Zeno. Nothing extraordinary happened the rest of the day, only that Killua was completely calm after a session with Hisoka, and that he'd remained calm during the visit of his father. I hadn't seen Chrollo for the rest of the day, but his work didn't allow him until the evening either way.

I looked up from behind my desk when I heard a knock against the slightly open door, and saw Killua appear from behind it. _Speaking of unusual…_ I cocked my head when he didn't move from the door opening even though we'd already made eye contact.

'What is it?' He was giving me a kind of stern look, and it was strange seeing something like that on Killua. I closed my eyes for a second and stood up from my desk. I don't have time to bother with him either way. 'I already made my apologies for yesterday and this morning, I am not obligated to any more of that.' He took a couple moments of silence to apparently form his words. In the meantime I pocketed my hands and walked towards him. 'I don't have the time, Killua. You're the one who came here, I-'

'Why didn't you tell me this is an institution that works to experiment on and treat killers, instead of a regular institution to assess if someone has to go to prison or not.' I stopped three feet away from him, and looked down at him. He was bringing this up now?

'You hadn't figured that out yet? I'd thought better of you.' He scoffed at the words, but waited for me to continue either way, 'On top of that there wasn't a necessity to tell you this because it doesn't concern you, we have repeatedly confirmed that you don't need to worry about going to prison. Have we shown signs of aversion against the actions you've done before coming here?' He slowly shook his head. He probably has only noticed this aversion with Nobunaga. I unpocketed one of my hands, and started gesturing with it a little; tilting my head back slightly, but not letting go of the eye contact. He was still the calmest I've seen him – apart from Gon.

'We've been given a blind eye by the government and are called a normal institution. However, since you hacked into our system – which is quite a feat – I didn't think you'd overlook something as significant as the percentage of patients sent to prison. Research doesn't seem to be your main strength.' I take it his parents do know, but found it too insignificant as well; seeing as I'm not an ex-patient here and there's nothing to exploit there. Seeing as we work on making sure killers that come here never kill again, I can understand why they're not happy with this situation though; but they had little choice, we were the only institution willing to treat a Zoldyck.

Killua gave me an angry look when I insulted his skills. He has a lot of pride in what he's been taught. It is strange. But despite the way his parents have treated him, he will not stand to someone talking down to their trained abilities. That he is even capable of feeling anything like affection towards Gon is the actual anomaly. We have had his brain scanned, there's no lack of or overabundance of anything. So he should be able to emotionally process the training his family puts him through, right? Then how are you still alive?

'Hisoka was the one to inform you of this.'

'Yeah, he told me.' Killua got instantly uncomfortable actually thinking back on it, it seemed. He shifted weight to his other leg and looked away a little.

'I see you're happy he's not your psychologist.'

'No shit, I'd rather have y…' His eyes shot back to mine a second, but he didn't continue. The look on his face softened a little when he turned his head away again. I blinked at those words and actions. He'd rather have me as his psychologist than Hisoka?

'Has Hisoka treated you badly? He will not fill in for me or Chrollo again either way.'

'Nah, he only talked. I'll see you in two days.' He lifted a hand as he stepped away from the door to make his exit. Is he relieved now that he knows he doesn't need to keep a secret anymore? How come Hisoka stressed him out more than I did? I had the appearance of someone he's killed, and he's been uneasy about it to some level every time he saw me. Where had the turn come that he actually felt a kind of… comfort around me? Had he somewhere come to terms with the circumstances surrounding Yellmi's death? Or had he simply put on a play just now?

These questions will have to be answered at another time, right now I have to secure my place on this case.

* * *

_'Why didn't you inform me that it doesn't matter if this place knows what I do or not?'_

_'You can't talk about it either way, and it was a good way to test your acting. So, what's the answer?' As soon as I stepped in the same room as him, dad got down to business. Not surprising. Next to it being his character, yesterday's phone call had gone to Gon before they'd reached me. He was probably itching for an answer. I casually kicked the door closed behind me and leaned my shoulder against the wall so that the camera couldn't see my lip movement either._

_'They allow it, but not until two weeks from now. What's Ging's status?' He doesn't need to know about the secondary option, I'm not giving up my time with Gon…_

_'We can keep him in a coma for another month if need be, but make sure to succeed two weeks from now. Do you have any new information on either Illumi or Chrollo?' So I need to have Illumi on my side within a month, else my parents will take the job from me,_

_'Nothing new on Chrollo. He doesn't part with personal information of any kind. It's hard even pinning a personality on him. Chances are that even though he works here, he's a sociopath. There_ is _discord between him and Illumi, but that's all I can confirm at this point.'_

_'And Illumi?' I changed position slightly,_

_'He is most probably a Death's Deliverer.'_

_'Most probably?' I could hear the disappointment in his voice, and it irked me._

_'Yeah, his mother worked in the morgue of a hospital and she one day just up and disappeared, leaving him orphaned. He'd also been in a life or death situation before because of his mother, and he was regularly brought along to the hospital and that's where he learned his medical skills.'_

_'That proves his mother's insanity, not that she was a Death's Deliverer. However, concerning his personality, it is highly likely. But there is no point in delving deeper into this, we can't do anything that will expose their world. Half our work comes from them.' Of course we could just pin the deaths on him, but that would warrant investigation and risk to exposure of them. On top of that, there was not a lot of hope of there being any evidence left, considering Illumi._

_'I will stop asking about it then.' He nodded. Death's Deliverers… people who work in hospitals and sabotage treatments under order. More often than not, we get an assignment from one of them to get someone in the hospital. They like to take care of their own business though, somehow we're not allowed to do anything beyond injuring their targets… What happens after we get them in the hospital can vary though, and I'm curious what kind of Deliverer Illumi is or was._

_It could be any one of their four branches, but I like to think that someone like him wasn't simply involved in harvesting organs. He most likely fell under category number two; research on the body to find the best way to break someone physically or mentally – we get a lot of useful information from them. Category three of getting rid of unwanted persons that have survived an attack barely happened, and number four is what his mother did for him – crash course of teaching medical skills to make them Deliverer's as well._

_Would Illumi be a mental breaker though? Is that where he learned his skills? That meant his mother probably took patients in suspended death home; only to revive them there and open up their brain for experimentation._

_I shivered a little at the thought. No matter what I do, those mental breakers are seriously fucked up._

_'Is there anything else you can work on with him?' I shook my head a little to get back to this world and answer,_

_'He has issues concerning touch.'_

_'Exploitable issues?'_

_'Yes.' I nodded a little. 'He walked out of the session yesterday because of it, and wasn't here this morning either. Chrollo was absent as well.'_

_'I'll take a look at footage gathered from their homes. I'll let you know what your best approach will be. In the meantime, you need to throw him off as much as you can.'_

_'How do I do that?' I will not get him so far as to touch me again anytime soon without a good reason. On top of that, I don't want to throw him off – I need to get him to my side._

_Dad turned his head a little to get a better look at me, and stared, contemplating for half a minute before giving his answer._

_'From what I've gathered, Illumi is factual person?' I nodded in confirmation. 'He will expect you to behave and answer in a certain way. If you react in a way that would look logical to him, but isn't for you, it will throw him off. You don't have to worry about your acting. Even if he sees through it, your actions will seem logical to him. At the very least it will unbalance him.' Made sense… I nodded in confirmation and planted the order deep in my brain._

_'Not a problem.' I can't do this too much though, I still need to make clear I want him on my side, I need to find a balance… Well, if I can feign feeling emotionally closer to him, it will be easier to evoke touch from him, easier to get him to my side, and it will throw him off… Somehow I need to lay emphasis on the second part. I'll have a plan for that next session…_

_'Are you looking forward to becoming an official assassin? You want to be the youngest one?' I closed my eyes for a second and nodded._

_'Will this whole ordeal force me to make more than a 100 kills before it's official?' He shook his head and I smiled._

_'When you get out of here, it won't matter. You have five months left to reach your goal.'_

_'Plenty of time.' Once I'm official, I'm qualified to take on my own jobs and earn my own money. I'll be a step closer to freedom._

* * *

'Our apologies for inconveniencing you like this.' Chrollo bowed his head a little to Nobunaga the moment we were allowed into his office.

'I take it Zeno has informed you of what you need to know?' I asked when I passed him.

'Yeah, I understand the situation. I just need to be here, right? Do what you like.' He closed the door behind us and sat back down behind his desk while we both moved to the couch. 'Hisoka had an emergency with Feitan, right? Not that I mind doing this, but I rather not be home at the middle of the night - so don't take long.' Needless to say that Zeno had allowed me to stay on the case – with a couple of restrictions from now on.

He is fully aware of what has happened between me and Chrollo, and understanding my supervisor's personality he'd forbidden contact between us without someone else in the room. This actually worked in my favor – Chrollo would not be able to get closer to me than he already is.

However, Zeno had come close to pulling me off the case. He is also fully aware of my issues and apparently believed I could handle it. These past two days haven't exactly been a good testament for that, but I had been able to convince him that my interest in Killua had faded and the risk of another trigger happening was slim to none. Although Killua saying he actually felt a kind of comfort around me had been strange, we will just work on finding out why he physically can't talk about his profession, and what the possibilities are of bringing him to a level on which we can release him.

I am grateful Zeno hadn't deemed it necessary to tell Chrollo about the full story of my issue.

'I'm glad we're still working together on this.'

'There was never the danger of you being removed, on top of that now that you've seen a part of me I doubt you will stop pursuing me even if I'd have been taken off the case.' I chose to walk around the coffee table and sit down in the chair opposite of Chrollo – sitting next to him was a bad idea from now on.

'Apart from your issue, what is it that appalls you so much about having contact?'

'We are not here to discuss me, we are here to discuss Killua and what Hisoka has found out this morning.' I let the stack of papers fall on the table and looked directly in Chrollo's eyes, making sure the message came across. He returned the intensity of my stare for a while before closing his eyes and smiling softly. I started moving again after that and moved the hair that had fallen over my shoulder back,

'You know I will not stop asking.' He leaned forward and spread the papers a little, but he already knew what was in there.

'I know you're not, but the frequency of your questions will not merit a difference in answers over time. Why do you think Killua physically can't talk about his profession?' I felt Nobunaga's attention on me more when we finally started talking about the case, and shortly glanced at him. He always gave me puzzling looks. Not in the slightest like Hisoka or Chrollo; it was more that he looked at me and simply didn't understand me. I don't need him to, but this attention piqued at times and was distracting.

'There's three options, isn't there.' I turned my eyes and attention back to my supervisor and answered him,

'Yes. He's been thoroughly drilled to tell the lies he utters, there is something inside of him that forces him to keep from telling the truth, or it's a combination of both.' Chrollo pushed some papers aside and flipped one over to me while answering,

'There's nothing in his scans that indicates there's something implanted in his mind. Are there possibilities of devices that would not be easily detected by them?' I looked down at the text and small pictures next to it. My first guess would be a needle receiver, but seeing as it was seen from neither directions that was unlikely. Another possibility would be an actual alteration of his brains, and I haven't looked at the scans thoroughly enough to assess this. A miniscule device that would not appear larger than a spec on these scans is another possibility, but I am not sure someone other than a Deliverer is in possession of such technology; even though there's trade between Deliverers and Assassins, something like this wouldn't be shared.

I lifted the papers and looked at them more closely. Even if it was a device or alteration in his brain, it would take me to reverse it, wouldn't it.

'What are you seeing?'

'I haven't had the inclination yet to assess these scans, I will need more time to look at them.'

'But possibilities exist?'

'Yes. He is most likely drilled to answer the way he does as well though. We need to continue asking and pushing him to find out the extent of his psychological training in this area. In the meantime I will take a look at these scans and check for anomalies. No need to open his head if there seems to be nothing there, or if he actually admits something in the meantime. I would also appreciate it if you kept your attention at your work instead of me, Nobunaga.' I slowly turned my head and caught him still looking straight at me. 'I can understand this is interesting for you because you only get group counseling, but you're distracting and I don't appreciate it.' He scrunched his nose and sighed before sitting back and answering.

'Don't these cases normally go to Hisoka? Why have you been put on this?'

'There's no need to concern yourself with this, all you need to do is provide us with the information you gain from group sessions. Is there something you need to share with us that you haven't shared yet?' He twisted back and forth in his chair a bit while I continued to stare at him unblinking,

'Just be careful he doesn't find a way to fight with Feitan either way. He seems dead set on it, and he won't go as easy on Killua as you do.' I inclined my head when he said this. It's peculiar. By now I thought fighting me was all he was interested in. That he still wanted to fight Hisoka's patient,

'He is eager to prove his strength, isn't he? He won't take any more insults to his skills. It's better if we stop doing that.' I looked back at Chrollo when he said this and lightly nodded. Killua has a lot of pride and shadow skills – so does Feitan. We need to keep an eye on this.

'I will take note of this, but you're the one leading the sessions this week, aren't you?' He nodded once,

'If he's starting to feel a sort of comfort around you, it will be harder to test him on how much the lies have been drilled into him.' I could understand this and nodded back. I looked down at the papers again and shuffled them until I found the scans. It has been a long time since I've been in someone's brain. If it is the case that Killua has undergone an alteration there, I am not sure if I can change it back with my current skills. I will have to practice somewhere, and Zeno will not allow this.

'He will most probably still approach me to fight with him. Seeing as how his body can apparently take it, there's no objections with you if these fights happen?' I was still set on not teaching him anything, but after one more fight I would know how to use the power he uses at instances. I am not uninterested in this. Chrollo just lightly shook his head. 'It is his way to try and make contact with me and secure a place to hide Gon from his parents. Are we going to nurture this idea of his?'

'If Ging dies, Killua's parents will be the only contact he has left, and will have free range over him, this is a bad thing if he ever wants to qualify to leave this place; and I don't believe keeping a Zoldyck somewhere indefinitely is a good idea. However, if Killua is given the skills to learn and make friendly contact with others in the meantime, Ging's death won't matter.'

'So we make preparations to fake Gon's death, but won't execute if we get Killua to develop social skills.' Basically what I thought. 'Mah, Killua doesn't need to know about any of this, we'll see what kind of plans and ideas he's gotten from his parents.' I lay down the scans and leaned back in the chair again, my eyes focused on Chrollo again.

'It seems you are their favorite target.' I raised the volume a bit to answer,

'That's not surprising. I have an exploitable issue and I look like a past assassination of his. Contrary to you, who doesn't show anything easily exploitable.'

'You're calling yourself easy?'

'I am by no means "easy".' A gleam started reappearing in his dark grey eyes. 'It takes a lot of mental effort for anyone to get as far as to touch me. Just attacking me will never work, and I will have to find you interesting.'

'I'm just extraordinary then?'

'If I didn't find your mind interesting, then nothing would have ever happened when you touched me.' He huffed at that answer, and his lips curled up when he responded – laying his arms on his knees and folding his hands.

'Considering these past couple of days, I take it you find Killua interesting as well?'

'Found. By now he's transparent.'

'Then I feel honored about last night.' He closed his eyes for a second and smiled greater when apparently thanking me for this. 'But I hope that we don't find anything in his brain; I have this feeling your interest would be sparked again.' He got back on topic by himself? That is a first. I inclined my head before answering,

'I am quite capable of channeling the consequences myself, you don't need to concern yourself with that. I will take these scans and study them in the morning. I still have time to go home today, so if there's something left you want to discuss, you can say it now.' I heard a hint of amusement from Nobunaga's side. I don't understand that man, but I don't need to. As long as I can understand his reports, there's no problem.

'Have a good night.' I stood up first, and gave a light nod to both Chrollo and Nobunaga in goodbye, but was halted by the voice of the latter,

'You have a lot of trust in each other if this is all the communication you need to prepare for a session.' A soft laugh came from Chrollo, but I didn't even turn around before replying to this moot statement.

'That we don't get along at some points does not mean I don't respect Dr. Lucilfer's skills as a psychologist. On top of that, our cooperation in session is not one of our problems. But that would be harder to understand for someone who never cooperates, so I understand your statement.' I walked off after that. Those last words had been intended as an insult on top of being the truth. Nobunaga is one of those who work here that feel they have to get involved and/or take care of everyone. I will not tolerate any more people chasing my tail; one was already too many.

* * *

 _'You're calling again already? We spent the whole day together.'_ I sighed deeply for a moment and looked up the wall in front of me. If I have to make sure Gon is safe within a couple of weeks, it's only fair if I give him the time to adapt to the idea, right? I still have no fucking clue how to pull it off without being able to talk about any of it and… y'know… pull off a kill convincing enough for my parents. If possible I can use Illumi's Deliverer's skills to pull off Gon's death, but my motivation will have to look convincing as well.

'Yeah, there's stuff we can't talk about when we're here, y'know. Are you free to talk right now?'

 _'Of course. What do you wanna talk about?'_ I took another deep breath and closed my eyes before actually saying it the best I could; I clenched my free hand into a fist,

'…Your… your…' I bit my lip a second to force myself to say it. '…What happened two months ago, it isn't over yet.' The silence on the other side of the phone was killing me. It didn't take long, but every passing second clenched my heart tighter. _What's going through you right now, Gon?_

 _'You're going to have to finish it, aren't you? If it would've been your parents, dad would be gone by now.'_ I held my breath for a second; this seriousness in his tone I hadn't heard since he defended me to keep me from being imprisoned. I can't take that tone. It hurts for him to do this and right now it would've been better for him if we hadn't become friends. _'They really don't like me, do they.'_

'Not very much.'

 _'So they're trying to get you out for that? If you don't finish the job, eventually they will, won't they? How can we get out from under this?'_ I leaned my shoulder against the wall, looking down and composing my answer.

'They want to cut my ties with you, it will only stop if they think there's no tie to cut anymore.'

 _'I will have to die?'_ For the first time you don't sound like it's an easy thing for you to do… _'I know there must be ways to stage this, but I don't want to leave mom and Kito alone with dad still in the hospital. Isn't there any other way?'_ I was afraid he'd say something like that. For safety measures, his mom and brother would have to believe he was dead as well. It would hurt for them…

'We can also just involve your mom or brother..?' Staging Kito's death would be easiest, but this institution wasn't exactly a place to take care of him.

_'We?'_

'You'd end up at this institution, I'm working on gaining favor from my shrinks for it.'

 _'I don't like this Kil, I'll call back tomorrow.'_ The other end of the line started beeping, and I stood there alone, clenching the phone, trying to focus on not wrecking it with my grip. I'm very glad next session isn't until Wednesday; I need to keep focused, I need to… _I need to stick to the only possible plan to save all of you, Gon…_


	16. Tuesday 8th & Wednesday 9th

I hadn't been able to reach Gon again today, and it was killing me. I know it'll probably take time to decide, but that was for normal people – Gon never took the time to think it over. It was killing me enough that I voluntarily stepped out into the courtyard at 11pm while a blizzard was blowing. I couldn't see anything, but I can find my way around this place easily enough by now. I should be looking for Illumi to try and fight with him again, I should feel like screwing the rules and try and fight with Feitan, I should try to find out more about Chrollo Lucilfer… This entire happening was way too distracting.

I kicked up some snow beneath my feet, and turned around to face away from the blizzard. This way I could still vaguely see the building and the reminder of my situation. _Please agree with the plan Gon, there's no other way…_ Even if I could convince my parents that I won't contact him again, they will not let a job go unfinished. On top of that, next to Ging being a convenient target for screwing up my only friendship, that guy isn't exactly "clean". Even though we didn't get the actual job to kill him, there's bound to be people out there that would be happier with him gone. I'm not sure to what degree Gon is aware of his dad's activities, but I don't think he'd accept him any less if he knew. I mean, living proof standing right here.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before stepping back a little until I knew I was on a small clearing… buried deep beneath the snow, but whatever. I got rid of my coat – flew back towards the door most probably – and stopped my body from shivering as I fell back into a fighting stance. Extreme weather training somehow cleared my mind better than anything else.

I stood still for a while, filling my mind with all the training I've ever had, and recollecting my second fight with Illumi. He never expected me to copy him that quickly, did he. In all the time I've now had to analyze the fight, I could only conclude that he had perfect muscle control. I know of a lot of martial arts, but his style has most probably been taught by another Deliverer.

To anyone not fast enough, it would look like he has the ability to predict your every movement; but it's not that, it really is his speed and control. It can give you a great psychological advantage if your opponent doesn't understand why he's constantly intercepted though. I take it that's a useful skill for a Deliverer.

But he hasn't shown me half of it. Even though those guys usually get in longer fights than I do, they are dealers in deaths; I wonder what kind of one hit kill moves would belong to a fighter like Illumi.

I adjusted the position of my left arm a little when a strong gust pushed it away slightly. I will not be able to learn this move from my shrink by fighting the way we did last time – he will have to want to teach me, and that's probably not gonna happen unless they're willing to take part in my plan to save Gon and his family… if Gon is even willing to participate himself.

… no, there's no choice. It doesn't matter if Gon is willing or not. I will not let my family harm his. It just means I'll have to be ready to betray his wishes when time comes. I will have to be ready to take all the blame he'll put on me. In the end he will be grateful.

Realizing this, I was finally able to start moving again. My skin was near frozen, but I kept the blood pumping through slight, conscious muscle movement well enough to keep warm. That's a similar skill to what Illumi does, isn't it? Only instead of using these muscles to pump blood through the body more efficiently, I'll have to use the movements while fighting.

Slowly I moved my arm to the side and simulated blood flow to certain muscles and make the arm move down suddenly. It works… but I'm still defenseless after, and I'm painfully slow about it if I want to control it. I can feel my body has the need for sudden acceleration once I change direction; this isn't bad, but it's unguided at this point. I don't know if there's a better way to execute it, but I'll continue trying moves like this to find out.

I moved my arm back to its original position and repeated the movement, followed by a low kick that I diverted diagonally back down. Goddamn this is heavy on the muscles – and this is coming from me! I mean, I am aware that Illumi is more trained than he looks, but how strong do your tendons have to be not to rip the muscles from the bone? Perhaps there's another trick to it, but damn I've really underestimated that long-haired weirdo.

I opted to try for a three hit combo and diverted all their directions, but I'm ashamed to say that I verbally expressed the strain on my body afterwards. No matter Illumi's killing moves, with the raw strength in his muscles he probably only needs a single punch, doesn't he? But I've never felt any of that raw strength during our fight. Is it because this technique takes up a lot of the strength you have? Or he was just refraining from using it in order to make the fight last longer.

I fell back into stance and closed my eyes, taking a moment for my body to distribute the blood evenly again. It will take a long time for me to master something like this, I will spend most of my time on it.

' _Nngh…_ ' I opened my eyes again when I used my other arm and got a bit too enthusiastic for my own good. Not that I'm not used to pushing my body, but I do feel the strain.

'For someone hiding their presence, you're being loud.' I heard the voice coming from behind me, but reverted back to stance either way; waiting for the other to pass me so I could actually see him. 'I'm guessing you're figuring out the extent of my training by now?' I didn't move, even when I saw the mass of black appear in front of me. Instead I just focused on distributing my blood evenly again before answering. I knew it was a long shot, but I asked anyway,

'Is there a technique to counter the strain on your muscles?'

'No.' My eye twitched when he flat out told me this answer. _Then you're more of a monster than I am._ 'I recognize that you're a genius for figuring out the technique, but even you will take months to learn this. I am not here to teach you this. You are aware of the lockdown at midnight, aren't you? Be sure to be inside by then. Although, you would most probably still survive the night, wouldn't you.' I could see him incline his head and wait for a second before turning around and going for the opposite door from whence he came.

'Want to fight again?' I raised my voice a little to reach him, but he didn't give a sign of having heard me and disappeared through the door.

… …

 _Fine!_ I will train indoors. I don't think my muscles will appreciate the strain of both new training and cold weather anyway. Might as well just spend the night practicing 'till next session.

I calmly walked back to where my coat had flown off to, and threw it over my shoulder before going back inside myself. It's a harsh winter this year, but the weather should clear up in about a month. It never lasts beyond January, not here.

'Ah, good that you decided to come inside.' _Jesus fucking Christ, you're a fucking ghost aren't you._ I contained myself in clutching my chest from the small shock, 'If you've decided not to continue your training, we can do another series of scans right now. Come with me.'

'More scans? Don't you have enough? And who said I've stopped training?' I straightened my back and welcomed the feeling slowly returning to my skin.

'The last ones are not adequate if I want to determine if there's been something implanted in your head. Since you can't talk about it, we need to check it for ourselves.' Yup, I figured that was what Hisoka had determined yesterday. Illumi turned around and started leading the way.

'Or we can just talk around it, I do it all the time with Gon.' I stopped when my shrink stopped and stuck out my tongue to his back. You guys seriously didn't think of this possibility? Or do you still think I'll be uncooperative? Either way it seems to have been the right guess in throwing him off.

'You suddenly trust us enough to feel comfortable to talk about your family?' He turned around with a swish and looked down on me, 'This is a plan of your parents. It won't matter how much I know as long as I'm discredited in the end. You're gaining my trust in order to make it easier for you to frame me. Tell me, how does that fit in with your plan to save Gon's family?' He cocked his head a little, and I shifted weight to one leg.

'Well, the statistics don't lie, do they? There's no reason for me not to believe the nature of this institution. If that's the case, then why should I have a problem telling you about my family now?' One of his eyebrows lifted a little in contemplation. I can't be acting _that_ good, Illumi should know this is not the way I am. No matter the statistics, I'm not giving you any solid information on my family. They may have put me in this sucky situation, but I don't hate them.

'You say this, but even with talking around it you could falsify the information. Meanwhile by feigning trust you are hoping to simultaneously get more information out of us and gain our trust so you can involve us in your plans? You really think something like that will work?'

'I'm willing to try anything if it'll secure Gon.'

'You know you can't have both lives, why are you trying so hard?'

'Doesn't matter if I can't have both, Gon will not suffer because of it. I will at least fix this before returning to my old life.' His words made me uneasy. I know of the difficulty of balancing both a normal- and an assassin's life. Once I'm out of here I won't be able to contact him again until I'm a well-established professional. As soon as that happens, I will have the freedom to either protect the Freeccs family, or make them disappear without my parents' consent.

I will not give up either life – I love both.

'That's very selfless of you.' He turned back around and started walking again before continuing. 'It's also out of character for you, you are too selfish for that. Even concerning Gon. Well, we'll see the results of this plan of yours the coming week. Dr. Lucilfer will take the lead on you.' _Good, then I have more time to evaluate his point of view in all of this._

'Because you couldn't handle me?' The question popped out before I realized it did. I need to stop getting caught up in my acting…

'Because you're getting too comfortable with me, as proven just now.' He looked down on me over his shoulder a second, and I twitched slightly in reaction to the look in his eyes. _Well that question put him in a bad mood._ He's dangerous right now. Like, an approaching Hisoka kind of dangerous.

Sucks, doesn't it, when your weakness is revealed. I stuck my tongue out again when he turned back. Dangerous or not, you deserved that one.

Well, if that doesn't make it obvious I won't be able to get physically close to him this week, then I don't know what does. I'll need to find another way around it then.

* * *

'So you can't actually tell us about anything concerning your family?'

'Of course I can tell you about my family, why wouldn't I be able to.' _It'd all be lies though._ I leaned back casually and looked around bored. By now it was clear to them that I was being physically controlled, I had trouble keeping focused on these repeating questions coming from Chrollo. It gave me some room to try and think to get him out of his shell, but I was drawing up blanks fast.

'You don't mind if I fire a series of questions to test this?'

'Do what you like.' Meanwhile Illumi sat in the back, quietly watching everything, not hiding his presence. It was like a reset to the first session I ever had here… which was just 2,5 weeks ago. God _damn_ a lot has happened.

These random questions he was firing only served to determine that I was futilely denying a shit ton of things I'd already shown them. I've been thoroughly drilled to answer questions like these, it gave me the room to analyze Chrollo's expression a bit more.

His voice was always calm; in situations where I think he should be angry, that calmness sounds menacing, but his tone really doesn't change. On top of that he has this eerie soft laugh of his that sends chills up my spine. It's not always eerie, sometimes he really does seem amused, but it's not common.

His face is also so… clean. He's 28, right? Even with people who age very late in their lives, there should be signs of life there, but there wasn't. I guess it goes well with his eyes.

There is some kind of life in them, but not really something I recognize. It makes it hard for me to classify him as actually human.

'Am I fascinating to you, Killua?'

'Excuse me? What does this have to do with…' I lazily raised an eyebrow at his question. Of course all my attention had been noticed by him. He huffed, and the corners of lips pulled up in a small smile.

'You're a good multi-tasker, thinking of one thing and still listening and responding to something else. That's a hard-learned technique. What were you wondering about me?'

'Nothing special.' You guys probably do it all the time as well. Only I now know Illumi can do it because he grew up in between Death Deliverers. What's your excuse?

'Are you curious about my past as well?' The volume in his voice dropped incredibly low, and I squinted my eyes a little, what're you aiming at?

'Why would I be?' I didn't go along in this game,

'Because your parents are trying to discredit us, aren't they? They need you out of here before we can bring you to a point where you mentally can't kill anyone anymore.' I laughed out loud at that statement. Even when Hisoka'd said it, it had sounded ridiculous. Fucking forget about it, you can't bring Feitan to such a point, you're not gonna be able to bring me there either.

'I don't know what you're talking about, I've never killed anyone.' I stopped my laughing after a couple of seconds to give the expected answer.

'You don't believe we can bring you to such a point, do you. Think back to the statistics. Hisoka asked you about the percentage of people that go to prison. What percentage of treated patients here get to leave again, and how many of those were a level five? You've been through the system, so I take it you understand the levels.'

Yeah I had a good understanding of the levels. Level 1's barely belonged here; they killed on purpose, but their circumstances almost make it self-defense and they're not likely to kill again. Level 2's have killed one or two without any softening circumstances, even though they're sane of mind. Level 3's have killed more than twice, and show signs of serious mental illness. Level 4's have serial murder qualities, and Level 5's are like me; we don't really care that we do it, and it's as normal as breathing to us. Some understanding why others have problems with killing, some don't.

'23% of patients that come here are a level 5, and about 68% of them leave fully.'

'You think you're not going to be part of the 68%?'

'I'm not a level 5, I don't belong here.' The serious tone in my voice dared him to claim otherwise though.

'You don't want to get out of the life of an assassin, do you?' Uh oh, he started on his analyzing tone again. What had I given away, what is he gonna say… 'Tell me, how are you going to combine the different tasks that lay ahead for you? How are you going to discredit us and ask us to help you at the same time?'

'I don't need your help for anything.'

'Oh but I think you do. You think you're able to leave this place to stage any death without our permission when we can keep level 5's here and in check? I'm sure you've realized already through the only other level 5 here at the moment. Tell me, why should we help you?'

'I don't know why you keep calling me a level 5. But I can assure you that with the breaking of mine and Gon's friendship, your job of qualifying me to leave here won't become any easier.'

'Oh but I'm sure that if the risk becomes too great that you won't return to the assassin's life, your parents will find a way to pull you out of here. Discredit or not. So either way you will be out of here within half a year. Although I'm sure we can qualify you before that time. Can you give me a better reason why we should help you stage a death?' Goddamn the logic of this guy. You _are_ a fucking sociopath. No matter the lifeless face, I'm able to recognize the way you act. _Well, it doesn't exactly bring me any closer to figuring out your mystery, does it?_ Situations don't make you a sociopath, you're born one. That, or something drastic happens before you're five or something. Either way, neither of those things will help me find out anything useful about him.

'Why would I ask you to help me stage a death?'

'We can, if that's what you're wondering, but we won't without a valid reason.' He inclined his head a little, but I looked at Illumi for a second. Those words sounded familiar. Illumi has said this before; saying he won't teach me to fight like him without a good reason. Although I found out the trick to his style, learning to fight like that would probably go a lot faster with a tutor. What kind of good reasons can I give to them?

In the second I looked at the long-haired man, I got an intense look back though, and it threw me off for a moment. What the hell had that look meant?

'I can't force you to do anything, and I don't think any reason will convince you to help me in any way. Why're you still asking for a reason.'

'To get you to this point.' Chrollo closed his eyes for a second before diverting them to Illumi, but Illumi didn't look away from me even in the slightest. What was going on? What had happened in between making the scans and this session? Did my shrinks have a falling out again?

Chrollo looked back at me when he was unable to get Illumi's attention, and gave me the same uncomfortable stare. _What the hell is wrong with you people right now?_

'Ah, I will leave then.' _Wait, what?_ Chrollo stood up immediately after his words and turned to walk out the door.

'What the hell? You guys walking out on me again? What's going on?' I stood up as well, not exactly accepting the situation,

'Illumi will explain, I'll be back in fifteen minutes.' I had no doubt that he'd be back if he said so, but why was Illumi walking to the chair in front of me again? _What the hell was on my face that one of my shrinks just up and left_.

'You're surprised, you're not aware.' I dared to look back at his face, but it was still the same attention.

'What should I be aware of?' It came out more aggressively than intended, but I couldn't really care. I've finally gotten the opportunity to feel the comfort of not going to prison and risk a pure assassin's life. _Why are you still keeping secrets?!_

'You're working on getting closer to us so we will cooperate, is your acting sufficient enough for that?' He sat down with a grace I haven't seen him use outside of battle, is he in a fighting mood?

'Why should I even act at this point? You seem to know everything I have planned.' _Why was my acting put in question right now?_ I didn't sit down like he did though, instead pocketed my hands and looked slightly down at him. He crossed his legs and put his elbow on the armrest, leaning his head on the back of his hand.

'You're convinced that we're going to help you stage Gon's death then? But we haven't given you sign that we will. The only reason you could be convinced at this point, is that you have a plan to make us do what you want, and I'm not seeing that happen.' He inclined his head a little. He was not in a fighting mood. I turned my body more towards him and straightened my back before answering.

'Your counter arguments are weak. You say I will be out of here by my parents' influence before the six months are up, but I doubt your boss will like a situation where force is used by us. The remaining options are that you're either going to help me, or you have something planned that will make me lose the will to live up to their expectations. And I highly doubt you can do the latter.' I had to hold back a laugh at the second option. There's no way I'm ever gonna feel bad about killing scumbags.

'You sound so sure of yourself.' _With good reason._ 'You are aware of the severity of a level 5, and still we can release 68% without fear that they'll kill again.'

'Not a single one of them was released within a year, and not a single one was treated by you.'

'You think we're inadaptable?' The certainty of his words was throwing me off. By now it wasn't even about my acting anymore.

'I know systems don't change as drastically as you're implying.'

'Sudden progresses can always happen. The point here is, how will you convince us to cooperate; I haven't heard anything that interests me.'

'Why are you even so interested in me trying to convince you if you're not gonna help me either way?'

'I don't know about Chrollo, but I'm just curious if you can.' I literally set my foot down when he said that and pulled my voice out,

'You know what, you can all just suck it! I get nothing at all from you guys and I will not speak a single fucking word anymore until I get something! You can just sit it out for the coming months until you notice what my family can do to you to get their way!' The fury in my eyes didn't go unnoticed by Illumi, somewhere I could see. He saw that my threat wasn't empty. I wasn't obligated to talk, I was only obligated to fill hours.

'So it's either your silence and Zoldyck consequences, or we help you with Gon? This is your test to see if we indeed have the option of getting the killing habit out of you within a couple of months? You're testing if I'll give in to your threat?' I felt the floor protest when I lifted weight from my foot a little, I need to watch my strength outside of battle. 'That's a bad test of you.' He raised his voice a little and closed his eyes for a second. 'If I give in to you now and help you, it might as well be that I'm just interested in actually talking you out of killing. It doesn't necessarily have to be because I'm afraid of what your family will do to me. If you really feel that threatened—'

He stopped when he noticed his words had caused me to react by going into the same fighting mood as last Thursday. I was on the verge of losing control of it at this point and go into bloodlust as well – I didn't even mean to. I was frustrated, but not _that_ frustrated; not to the extent that I felt like killing him. _His familiar face was still having an effect on me?_

Illumi sighed heavily before standing up with the same grace as he'd sat down, and responded to my mood in kind.

'You're so easily agitated, that's why we don't trust you.' He took the step towards the table and looked down on me threatingly, 'Why should we indulge you in our pasts to make you trust us? Why would you need that? You only want to know to satisfy your parents' need to discredit us. We are fairly certain _you_ won't use the information for that, but your parents are a higher level of intelligence and we will not risk you giving sensitive information to them without realizing what you do to us. Is that good enough of an explanation for you?'

He shifted weight to one leg and bent over so his face would be close to mine. I hadn't seen those empty eyes this close before, and I moved my head back a little, 'If you give a good reason right now to train you, I will. I've said this before, isn't that enough trust for you?' If he's willing to train me, then that means they're really confident I'm never gonna kill again once I'm out of here. And that scares me. 'Well? What's your answer? How're you convincing me?' He closed in even more, and I backed my head away even further when he suddenly did. _What was happening?_

Hey, you know.

Fuck this.

Fuck all of this.

I need to become physically closer, to put on a play a week and a half from now, right?

'I can't say why, but I'm free from my parents' influence within a month of freedom. Is that reason enough for you guys?!' I got some nerves back, and Illumi inclined his head when he saw this in my eyes. Inside I was still gathering the courage to actually do something, but I didn't actually have the time, did I? _Alright, fuck everything, here goes nothing…_

'That sounds interesting, I think Chrollo will be-' I leaned in and planted my lips on his. I might as well get used to it if I want to make the play convincing for my parents. _I will make sure none of my their footage will make it to the outside world though._

Strangely enough, I found little to no resistance from the other side, and I pulled away again, opening my eyes. Illumi hung silently in the same position with his eyes fixed on me for a couple more seconds before straightening his back again.

'I didn't think you'd do it after actually giving me a decent reason to allow you to train with me.' His hand found a way to his hip, and he inclined it slightly. Was my face burning up? I think it was. I'm not trained for this, damnit! I cursed myself when I unconsciously licked my lips, and immediately retreated my tongue. 'You're willing to go far to get your way and lead both lives, aren't you? Fortunately for you there's no cameras on today, Chrollo had requested this. Even if there had been, something like this wouldn't have mattered all that much.'

'Forget I ever did that, are you still gonna train me?' I looked away a little.

'Naturally. Your determination and efforts – even though clumsy – are not unappealing to me. If I was still under the impression that you were simply trying to frame me, training would never happen though. However,' I looked back when the tone of his voice changed, 'If you ever approach me like that without permission, not even being part of the Zoldyck family will save you.' Instinctively I stepped back a little. _God fucking damnit, you can bet I don't want to do it, but if I don't put up a play…_


	17. Wednesday 9th

_'In Killua's attempt to act closer, he is actually moving closer – due to his bad acting, he's unable to separate acting and his real emotions, isn't he?'_

_'I know you're aware of this, why are you repeating it?'_

_'Just wondering where this will lead you.'_

_'It will lead me nowhere, and it will lead Killua to his goal.'_

_'If you say so.' Hisoka changed the topic afterwards._

* * *

Alright, doing that kiss this morning was occupying me more than it should, fucking hell. I know it needs to be done if I want to look natural in a week and a half, but goddamnit I do _not_ want to kiss that face! Let alone go far enough to frame or discredit the man.

My eyes widened a second in shock when I saw an image of that in my head and slammed my head on the table in front of me. Just doing that once wasn't enough though, and I repeated until it was. I just let my head lay there afterwards. I haven't got the faintest clue to tackle any of that. It's not as if it's an assassin's skill I've been trained in. And although Illumi said that it will be permitted, I can't actually ask for lessons, now can I!? I started silently sobbing at the thought of that. I fucking kill for a living. I get rid of people without leaving a trace, I am a fucking genius at martial arts, I have a high intelligence and insight, but… I have no idea how you approach someone physically in a… friendly manner.

The silent sobbing got a little volume when I thought about it that way. I don't – for the life of me – have any idea how normal people have contact. Gon isn't exactly normal either. And not by a long shot do I have the contact with him what I need to display with Illumi. Maybe he can give me tips though…

I turned my head on the table and looked out the window. It's not like I have anyone else I can ask this from. If… y'know… he contacts me again.

'Killua,' I turned my head to the other side and saw Nobunaga standing there. 'I think you want to get your hearing checked, you have a phone call from your friend.' I shot up immediately and walked away from the common room as calmly as I possibly could. _I fucking swear I need to find out how to pick up telepathic waves like the rest of you do._

I immediately got the phone thrown towards me when the desk lady saw me coming and I turned the corner back into the room for these calls.

'Gon! Happy to hear from you.' I almost sighed in relief when I finally heard his voice again. Almost. Because more than anything I was still anxious to his answer. My heart was pounding out of my chest because of this.

_'Killua, do you have more than five minutes right now?'_

'Yeah, no problem, we can use up the whole week if you want.' Well at least it wasn't going to be a short no…

 _'Then can you explain your plan some more, it's not really clear to me.'_ I snorted when I heard that. You let me wait all this time, but you don't even know what I mean?

'You airhead, you should've asked sooner.'

_'Well it's not exactly fun news to hear that's the only way to save your family!'_

'… You're right, I'm sorry.' My amusement died down immediately. I shouldn't make fun of the situation like this – not even just because I'm relieved, Gon doesn't live the life I do. 'Should I just explain everything, or is there anything specific you want to know about?' I pocketed my free hand and started walking around the room a little. Explanations I _could_ do.

_'Can mom and Kito really not know?'_

'I'm sorry, that's really out of the question…'

_'I understand it's delicate because it's your mom and dad, but y'know…'_

'If there was any other way…'

 _'I know.'_ I turned away from the cameras when I started to lay out the idea to him,

'But basically either next week or the week after that when you come to visit, you will never leave. I'll be working on convincing my parents that I'd actually do something like that in the meantime. They'll be on my ass for a while after you're here so you can't have contact with anyone. In the first week not even with me.'

_'How long does it have to stay that way?'_

'…I- I'm sorry but I don't know. You'll probably have to stay here longer than me.' I started stammering at this point when I realized the consequences for him.

_'…. Why?'_

'I have to go professional before I can put protection on you, Gon. That will take at least a month after I'm free. I will have to establish a group for myself, I-' Although in my mind I had it all planned out, saying it out loud like this I felt I couldn't do this to Gon. There was the possibility he had to remain dead for over a year. In the meantime he can't leave the facility, and I can't visit him – there would be no reason for me to visit that place once I'm free, after all.

_'I can't stay dead for that long Killua! I can't do that to my family! Can't you just "kill" my whole family?'_

'That's gonna be a lot of work..' I muttered and looked up a little, contemplating it, 'It would have to happen at the hospital, and that's a lot more difficult. My shrinks won't let me anywhere near that place.'

_'I thought they were working with you on this?'_

'Well… not exactly… _yet…_ ' My face turned red a little when I had to admit this. I was starting to believe Hisoka's words on Illumi – that he wouldn't be forced into any plan of mine if he didn't want to,

 _'This is kind of crucial Killua!'_ He raised his voice,

'I know! I'm fucking working on it the best I can! I don't want to do any more harm to your family than I've already done! … … I can "kill" them after I'm free and have them join you, but that's all.' It went silent after I did the same. I kicked the wall, but it didn't give me any ideas to continue.

 _'… can't we just… fake a car accident near your house?'_ For that we'd need to get his dad out the hospital, and that's not happening under my parents' supervision.

'I'll let you know what I come up with. As soon as I get more from my shrinks chances will improve.' I need to come up with it fast though, I'm running out of time. The wall got a harder kick this time. 'I'm doing all I can, Gon, plea—'

 _'I know. Tell me if I can help in any way.'_ I gritted my teeth when he said that. None of this would actually be an issue if my parents could just fucking accept Gon.

'Well, nothing that can be done now, so please just tell me something about your week, I need a fucking break.' I quickly retreated my foot when I heard the wall protest with the next kick. _Well isn't it fucking clear that I have problems containing my frustration…_

 _'Ah! Bisque sends her regards.'_ I heard a giggle coming from the other side, and my face twisted at the memory of that woman.

'I thought she was on maternity leave or something.' I mumbled back,

 _'She came by to get some things, I ran into her. Her exact words were "You see that brat of yours once a week, right? Tell him I look forward to having him in class again."'_ My eyes widened and I swallowed back some fear for that woman. She's already got something planned for me, I fucking know it. I can sense this imminent danger drawing closer. _'I think it's nice of her to think of you though. She's about the only one actually not talking about what you did.'_ I wanted to smile and be happy about that, but all I got out was a forced awkward laugh. _Of all people…_

In all honesty though, I'm just glad Gon's not given a hard time because of all of this – for as far as I know. I'm probably not the only one who thinks it's weird he still sticks up for me like this.

'Hehe…. Oh by the way…' I suddenly remembered my earlier thoughts, but had trouble actually getting it out of my throat, 'I… I need to get close to Illumi, do you have any… tips for that?' Could I _be_ anymore red?! I felt like a fucking lighthouse right now.

 _'You mean socially? You want to be friends with him?'_ I bumped my head against the wall this time. Goddamnit I have to explain it.

'No I don't want to be fucking friends with him.'

_'But your parents are making you do it?'_

'… …' _Alright, breathe in, breathe out…_ 'They're not forcing me to be friends with him, I… have to frame him for them. I won't actually do this, but they need to think I do.'

 _'Frame him? … Oh! You need to have sex with him.'_ I almost kicked the wall in completely out of shock in hearing the actual words. _'You want to know how to approach someone to get there? I can give some tips.'_ Oy, don't tell me you actually already… _'I don't know if they'll work on someone like Illumi, but I'm guessing I'm the only one you're willing to ask, aren't I?'_ He started laughing after that, and I just let my head fall against the wall at this point. My head was spinning, I needed the balance.

'Let's just talk about something else first.' I felt like fucking crying that this was happening.

 _'Hahaha! No problem.'_ I turned around and leaned back against the wall, slowly getting my nerves back. Talking with Gon is about the only down time I get here, so if there's the possibility, I will not talk about work. Soon the conversation became more lighthearted and I felt some relief flowing through me. _Thank you for existing, Gon._

* * *

'I thought you were going home tonight.' I commented when Hisoka entered the shower part of the gym as well. I had spent the entire day analyzing the next courses of action with Chrollo and stared at the new scans for the remaining time. At this rate I won't have any time left for my other case.

'Hm~ I got a call that Phinks is going to be brought here tomorrow. Something about that he really wasn't his dog and that I should just take care of him here. So contrary to you I have no reason anymore to go home now and again.' He dropped his clothes on a bench and walked to the half open stall next to mine.

'I don't recommend living here fulltime, but you know this better than I do. Does Zeno accept your pet here?'

'Oh, but I wouldn't do anything to go against his wishes.' I turned my eyes when I could already sense that grin of his. Although he used sarcasm just now, he actually doesn't disobey Zeno in a way that would agitate his position here. He loves his job too much to jeopardize it.

I flipped my hair over and let the warm stream of water flow through it. From now on I would permit Killua his little touches as a start to finding out how to make contact with someone – seeing as I'm most probably the only one he'll come near at this point - but we were going to stage Gon's death either way. Ultimately we would get better cooperation from him if we did. Although apparently within a month of release he'll be free from his parents' influence, he'll become an unguided missile if something as drastic as the destruction of his only friendship happens; even if he finds out how to socialize in the meantime. Although he's forced by his parents to touch me, it is a start.

'Your interest in him really has faded if a kiss didn't cause a trigger.' I flipped my hair back and shook the water out of my face before answering,

'I'm still interested, it just doesn't reach the level of a trigger anymore.'

'Too bad.'

'I'm not your toy, Hisoka.' I recognized the low chuckle exiting his throat, but just reached for the shampoo either way. 'Do you have an inkling about Chrollo's history that you can make the judgment who's more qualified to stage Gon's death?'

'Why don't you ask him yourself.'

'He is as unwilling to part with his history as I am with parts of mine. Tell me what you know so I can decide to prepare for that or continue looking at the scans.'

'I'll help you prepare for Gon's death then. It will be much more fun if you do it. But it's been a while for you, hasn't it? You're probably still good, but you're fooling the Zoldycks here.'

'Thank you for the assistance.' Once I started rinsing the shampoo, I noticed Hisoka had leant his arms on the wall separating us and was looking at me quite intently. His eyes were not roaming – that actually indicated more danger than if they did, 'Did something happen with Feitan today that you're being this way?' It was either that or he's just in a playful mood, when I'm not the one to trigger his behavior. He slowly shook his head, and I looked away again; not interested in this mood of his. 'Then keep it to yourself. I will need the time if I have to prepare for faking a death as well. I can miss a lot of sleep, but it does not improve my skills.'

'I'm just surprised. This is the first time I've actually seen you lose interest in someone that caused triggers. Speaking of which though, how much of your house has our dear Chrollo seen?'

'Too much. I passed out before him, so most likely more than too much.'

'You're lucky he's not a talker then. Which of your triggers happened anyway with him, you have been so very vague on it.' He lay his head down on his arms at this point, looking up at me,

'I haven't been vague on it; I haven't told you because it doesn't concern you or your cases.'

'Oh~ it was that bad, was it?' His eyes narrowed a little, 'Was it violence, murder, dismembering or sexual? Or one of the more rare and interesting combinations of either?'

'Ten seconds passing doesn't magically make it your business, Hisoka.' As soon as he licked his lips I realized I should've left the showers sooner. I will have to fight to get out of here now. 'Although I am willing to share what happened if you can explain to me what part of him actually makes him off-limits.'

'Hmhm~ but that would take away all of my fun.' The vibration in his voice betrayed a kind of interest in me at this point that I couldn't place, and I silently kept my eyes on him a bit longer to null-and-void that. What was out of the ordinary today that would cause this with him?

'Are you interested because I lost interest in Killua? Is that new happening making you this obnoxious right now?'

'Such cruel words.' I had stood ready to divert any physical contact he was probably waiting to cause, but nothing happened. I started wondering if I could get out of here without provocation, and I let the water rinse out the last of the shampoo before turning off the water and walking out the stall.

I kept my eyes on him and he on me, but he didn't move. I stopped turned towards him, and for the first time in three years I was unclear of what he was trying to accomplish. I inclined my head a little at this question, and I could see the amusement of my puzzlement on his face.

'Am I interesting to you now? Or has your interest in my intellect faded as well? We haven't tested if I cause triggers for a while, have we.' I relaxed a little when he said that – something I shouldn't have done, but Hisoka had played it well.

'You're just curious about that? I'm not going to—' At that point Hisoka extended his hand and grabbed me by the arm, pulling me into the shower with him. Because of the slippery ground I had to pay more attention to keeping upright instead of pulling myself loose, and ended up against the back wall – just clear of the stream of warm water. Hisoka didn't give me the time to adjust my position and grabbed my other arm as well, pinning both of them against the wall beside my head, and putting a leg in between mine.

'As a top psychologist at this institution, I _do_ have my pride. If I couldn't even be interesting enough to cause a trigger with you, then what would all my accomplishments be worth?' I wanted to respond, but as soon as my brain misfired I was unable to. _Hisoka feels unchallenged in his cases..?_ No I shouldn't focus on that, I should… ' _Mm~_ it seems my pride lives to see another day.' The vibration I felt through his chest ran deep through me. From someone like Hisoka I won't be able to walk away once the trigger's happened.

His fingers trailed slowly up my chest until he could lay his palm flat on the place my heart was kicking its way out of my ribcage. He huffed pleased before leaning his head next to mine and whispered,

'It's been a long time since I've actually felt this eager to help you wit—' I didn't let him finish. If this was going to happen either way, then it would be better to get it over with. So I bit on his ear and pulled on it, eliciting a moan from him. If I want my heartbeat to slow down, I need to give in to the kind of excitement that's happening at that point; not that I really have much of a choice at moments like this. Not having moderation on excitement is a difficult thing to handle…

' _Aah~ yes, I think I like this way more.'_ He let go of my arms and pushed his body tighter against mine, letting his tongue glide along my jaw before landing on my lips. He breathed heavily against them, and I could feel his excitement grow.

My arms found their way around his torso, and I set my nails in his skin when he refused to move.

' _Mmm~ how much must I wait before you hurt me more?'_ I dug my nails in deeper and felt his skin being pierced. If he kept going like that, he'd get one of those interesting combinations he wants to see so badly. _'Oh yes,'_ He arched his back into the feeling and almost purred at the feeling. The water mixed with his blood, and he quickly let his tongue find its way to mine. He relocated his own hands to my shoulders and pushed me into the wall hard and moved his leg a little – it was at that moment that I decided to reach up and pull Hisoka's head back by his hair. I grazed my teeth over the skin of his bare neck and sucked on the flesh – we've been through this routine before, this will end bloody.

I felt his hands getting restless when my tongue flicked out and seconds later retracted it again when I found the spot I wanted to bite. I wasn't subtle, I set my teeth in far enough to make it bleed and licked up the blood the best I could, but when I pulled away the water had already washed away the remaining red.

When I stopped in that second, Hisoka pulled me from the wall a little only to slam me back against it harder. My head snapped back a little when he did, and the impact dizzied me but didn't stop me. At the bounce back I knocked my head against his and he had to step back. He didn't let go of my shoulders, but I got the room to turn it around and twisted him against the wall by his shoulder. This made for quite an impact, and when I noticed it had knocked his arm out of its socket, I immediately pushed it back in. Hisoka let out a loud pleasurable scream when I'd done all of this. He threw his head back and reduced it to a chuckle as soon as my hand scratched down his arm. I was only half in sexual excitement, and Hisoka was noticing,

 _'I'm going to break something today, aren't I?'_ I looked up in his eyes for only a second and saw him lick his lips at the prospect. I stopped my fingers near his wrist and wrapped my hand around his forearm. Only a second later I had increased my grip enough to cause one of the bones to break. I watched his reaction with great interest as he only exhibited a little bit pain, followed by a loud laugh.

I continued this routine by letting my hands find their way around his neck. I stepped a bit closer and his arms snaked around my waist. He squeezed tighter in sync with what I was doing, but reached up and used a pressure point on my forearm to make me loosen again when there was danger of his windpipe being crushed.

I would've done if he'd let me.

 _'You definitely need some practice again.'_ It came out hoarse, and I only just now noticed the stream of water had stopped. _'It's my turn now before you actually kill me.'_ In an instant he lifted me by the waist and slammed me back against the wall. Instinctively I wrapped my legs around him to catch myself. He put his hands next to my torso and licked his way up my chest. I gasped at the sensation and decided I liked this better without the water. I lay my arms loosely around his shoulders and felt one of his hands find its way to my nipple and started rolling it in between his nails. He lowered his head some more and let his tongue play with the other one. When I let out an audible sound, he lay his hand flat on my chest for a second to position himself a bit better, and I felt both his and mine excitement at the moment.

' _Aah~_ this is no good, this is going to be over so quickly.' He moaned against my skin, and his breathing increased a little. At that moment I was able to utter one sentence,

'You know it's never over this quickly.' His head lifted up a second to confirm I had actually talked, but he didn't get the chance to relish in anything. Slowly I had positioned myself correctly and was starting to lower myself on him. He arched his neck even further back and let out a low grunt together with me when I impaled myself on him completely without any preparation. His head snapped back to lean in the crook of my neck when we took a moment of rest, and the heaving of our chests synchronized before he started chuckling,

'You always take me by surprise somehow.' I didn't get any more rest though, and he lowered one arm to wrap his hand around the length of my dick. I lay my head on top of his and breathed out deeply. I hadn't noticed how hard I'd become through all of this.

I felt his tongue trail a little over my collarbone before he expertly trailed around my tip and started pumping me. I had to keep my legs around him tightly to not shift too much, so all the restlessness in my lower body went to my feet which overstretched way too much. I closed my eyes and let out my breath in short huffs. The pulsing feeling of Hisoka inside of me, enjoying my reactions, brought me close too quickly, and he noticed this.

After a while he stopped and pressed us tighter against the wall, laying his hands on my waist. As soon as I got the room, I pulled myself up a little and lowered again. This before Hisoka took control over it slammed me back hard.

 _'Aaah~!'_ He let out himself, but it came louder out of my mouth at this point. ' _Harder.'_ I demanded of him, and felt his lips curl up against my skin right before he complied.

 _'Mmm~… I'm holding you to doing it more than once.'_ That was the last pause I got before he traded in force for rhythm and the sound of flesh repeatedly slapping against each other. All but my lower body was slowly getting numb, and I clawed my nails in the flesh of his shoulders.

His breaths became shorter and louder, and I could feel him trembling under the strain of having to do this while standing. To help him enjoy it more, I pressed myself tighter against him and stroke my fingers up in his hair. He repositioned a second, and it was in that moment that he hit the sensitive spot inside of me completely and I threw my head back against the wall hard. He slammed into me once again to hit that spot the exact same way and I almost cracked Hisoka's hips when I came in between us.

He stopped moving for a second to let me enjoy it and I rubbed myself up against his abs a little to ride it out.

After a couple moments he decided he wanted to finish as well though, and started up his rhythm again. It didn't take him long either. The vibration of his voice echoed over the entirety of my skin before he let go deep inside of me. I clenched and unclenched in rhythm to this to make it even more pleasurable for him.

He flicked out his tongue against my neck once more before setting me down again. I felt his cum ooze out of me, but that did not concern me. I was still knee-deep in this uncontrollable excitement, and pushed Hisoka away from me and unto the ground. I dropped myself to my knees and slammed my hands next to his head on the ground. My hair was slowly gliding off my back and I wanted to go for his chest immediately again, but a voice from behind us stopped me.

'Well this is interesting.' Somewhere I should've cared that Chrollo was standing there, but I couldn't, and simply continued. Completely ignoring him. Hisoka didn't let himself be stopped either.

Right now this was all I could do, but I was most probably not going to like the consequences tomorrow.

* * *

 _Well this was getting harder by the second, wasn't it?_ First I have to convince that it's better to kill Gon's entire family – which I'll never be able to because it defies all logic, and I should just let that go – and I still have to get over my shyness to get physically close like… _that…_ to someone. I felt my face turning red again thinking back on some of Gon's tips, and no amount of willing it back was working at the moment.

I lazily ticked my hand against the wall while walking through the hallway to the courtyard. Might as well get some training, right? Maybe I should just locate Illumi and try to get some promised training from him.

I wanted to turn around and reluctantly start looking for him, but was distracted when I saw the rare sight of Feitan out of his room when it wasn't needed. I took the opportunity and approached him. _If I want to know more about my shrinks, it's best to ask someone who's been here a while, isn't it?_


	18. Wednesday 9th - part2

**'** What do you want?' _Yeah, happy to see you too_. But this is not a social call by a long shot either way,

'How many years have you been here?' First things first, I need to establish of how much use he can be for me information-wise.

'You know they'll be here in seconds if they see us talking without supervision.' He looked back up at me and formed a grin; _that thing almost goes from ear to ear, has Hisoka rubbed off on him?_

'No they won't, we're standing in a camera blind spot. How many years have you been here.' I moved to stand right in front of him and pocketed my hands. He let out that eerie giggle of his before he responded.

'Why should I tell you anything about myself.'

'Technically I'm not looking for information of you, I have questions concerning the shrinks at this place.'

'You're wasting your time.' He narrowed his eyes a little, and his grin dropped.

'Do you know anything about Chrollo Lucilfer?'

'I still don't see why I should tell you anything.' I weighed my options for a second before responding. There was only one thing he enjoyed doing that I was aware of – I have way too little bargaining chips. I spoke up either way,

'I've been in the court a lot of times. I know exactly where the surveillance is and how to disable it for a fight.' He laughed a bit harder, but never broke eye contact with me.

'Next to you signing your own death warrant, I already know how to do that myself, main surveillance isn't what's stopping me to fight you.' Well that was news to me, although it made sense he already knew about the cameras everywhere. What withheld him then was a mystery to me. If he actually wasn't fighting, then it could mean he was trying to get free as quickly as he could… but then Hisoka would never know he even fought if surveillance was off, so that wasn't it either. Did he actually _want_ to forget fighting? I can't imagine that being the case. Wait, he's not afraid of consequences of my family, is he? Or does Hisoka actually have consequences ready for him that he was keeping himself in check? Then that man has eyes that neither of us can detect, and that's unsettling. But then his eyes should extend to this blind spot as well, shouldn't they? Then right now Hisoka wasn't breaking us apart for a reason. That redhead wants me to know about the employees here? Because he did seem dead set on not letting me and Feitan fight, so he's not trying to provoke _that_.

 _Jesus fucking Christ, all you people are constructed out of complicated, aren't you?_ I can barely keep up with my own thoughts at this point.

'Hisoka said something about this place being more dangerous than prison, he wasn't bluffing, was he?'

'Well you caught on quickly.' The sarcasm in his tone irked me a little, but I kept it in check for now.

'Then what can I use to convince you to give me information?'

'… …' Should… should I ask him be declared dead so he can become an invisible contact to the family? I don't think mom and dad would mind someone like him. But he's just as much a wildcard as we are and I can't make such a decision without their consent. 'I see you're thinking of something interesting.' I resorted to secrecy and vagueness at this point.

'I can't promise anything here, I'll—'

'Well, doesn't really matter if I tell you something either way, does it?' I fell silent when he interrupted me with that. Suddenly he felt like sharing? More likely, he seemed even more bored to death than I was in the first week, 'I just want you to tell me one thing in return.' _Ah, a trade,_

'Depends on what you ask.' I shifted my weight to move a little closer to him.

'What does Chrollo Lucilfer look like?' _He's been here all this time, and he doesn't know the appearance of one of the top shrinks in this place?_ What kind of weird ass question is this? Although it's true I never really see Chrollo roaming the halls. Concluding from what I've heard about Feitan, he's been here for a while. A level 5 like him should know about everyone here – about both employees and patients that come and go.

Putting all that aside though, I saw no harm in actually answering the question.

'He is about three inches shorter than Illumi, has a slightly broader build, but not too much. He has shoulder length black hair that's usually slicked back, grey eyes, weird ass green and gold earrings… is that satisfactory to you?'

'It is.' He looked… amused..?

'You should know all of this already.'

'I'll give you information later. Right now I have other things to do.' He turned and leisurely walked away. Even though Hisoka or any other shrink probably had eyes everywhere, I still kept under the radar for the main surveillance, and disappeared from the same spot without it being noticeable I was ever there. This place has more layers of secrets that I need to find out about.

* * *

As predicted, the whole ordeal in the shower had had a bloody aftermath. Hisoka had been more fired up than he normally was, and I was left to treating my wounds in the hour after. It's been a long time since I've had to apply stitches on myself. I opted to wear my hair in front of it for as long as it was needed. There's a lot Killua is allowed to be aware of, but that I can be hurt is not part of that. I will delay training with him 'till the end of the week.

Chrollo had disappeared somewhere along all of it, and I hadn't seen him since. I was glad he was indeed someone who didn't talk, but witnessing that scene will not make him stay away any better. At the very least, our contact is being monitored. Why neither Hisoka or Chrollo can just let me do my job is beyond me.

'I'm not going to treat your wounds, you have to go see Machi.' I could see HIsoka sitting behind me from the mirror. He seemed to be satisfied at the moment, so he wasn't a threat right now. He leaned forward a bit and grabbed hold of one of his fingers; a couple seconds later resetting the bone of it back where it belonged without flinching. He even laughed a little,

'I won't need treatment for something like this. I've experienced worse from you.' That was not untrue.

I finished the last stitch a couple of seconds later, and turned around to face him again.

'I need you as a failsafe, Hisoka, I cannot have you instigate this yourself.'

'Oh? But it used to be a lot harder for me to do so, it seems you've gotten more sensitive to it.' He cracked another bone into place before continuing. 'Not quite the effect you were going for taking this case, isn't it.'

'No it's not, but it's a good test.' For now I simply pulled all of my hair back to keep it away from the stitches and tied it up like usual. There is a possibility this sensitivity is merely Hisoka related. 'Seems I still have a ways to go, but time isn't really an issue.'

'I have to agree on that one.' Hisoka stood up from the couch and walked my way after that. For his own pleasures, he will keep provoking me to make me stay at this place longer. But that's still a good test. Handling two of those tests at the same time is another story.

'Can you stop bleeding all through my office, I still have a patient tomorrow.'

'My apologies, I will get some treatment from Machi right now.' He stood still in the middle of the room to look at me for a couple more seconds before turning around and leaving. At this point I was in better condition than he was, and the look I'd given him had apparently proven that for him. He's a masochist, but without some kind of fight to it, he's not very interested.

I turned back around and picked up the damp cloth to clean off any trace amounts of blood, but didn't get the time. I heard familiar footsteps approach and stop at the door opening.

'Once you step in this room you will be in violation and I will make sure you feel the repercussions, Chrollo.'

'I have no doubt I will, that's why I'll stay right here.'

'What do you need to discuss? I still have work to do.' I picked up the cloth anyway, and removed my now bloodied shirt to clean off my arm. It was a shallow gash, but it had still bled more than I wanted.

'Judging from the way you look I'd say Hisoka did quite a number on you, but you're less injured than he is, aren't you?' His voice was calm and collected; I'd expected more interest in both his voice and his eyes after having seen other consequences to a trigger of mine.

'You've witnessed it firsthand, there is no need for me to explain.' I felt my other arm a little to check if there really wasn't a fracture, but it seemed to be alright. I cracked my fingers one by one to release some pressure after that, and lay the cloth back down.

'I've witnessed less than you think. Shouldn't you put a restraint on Hisoka as well if he's provoking you, though.'

'Unlike you, Hisoka's motive begins and ends with physical contact, there is no need to keep him at bay for that. But you're well aware of this, so I'd like you to change to the subject of why you're here. I'll be looking at the new scans for the remainder of my waking hours.' I walked to a cabinet to get a change of shirt, and Chrollo waited until I was done with that before he responded.

'Because of the serious consequences of your trigger, I am not allowing you to be the one to fake Gon's death.'

'… You know I will not accept this unless you give me a good reason why you are the more qualified one.'

'I am aware of this, that is why I'm recommending Hisoka.'

'Hisoka? Well, he is more than capable to pull this off, but what is your real reason to change your mind?' Even before witnessing my doings with the redhead, he was already aware of this instability; he has been subject to it himself. Suddenly deciding that the level of instability is too high because of this night's events is too fickle for someone like him.

We merely looked at each other for a good amount of time, and I could see the analytical level in his mind be as high as mine at this point. Whatever he was going to say was either the complete truth, or a complete lie; he was weighing his options. However I spoke up first, cocking my head,

'You're trying to make me more unstable by using questionable motives and making sure I will react more strongly to your presence.' He huffed and leaned his shoulder against the doorframe; I raised a finger to my chin and continued, 'You're quite obsessed with forming some kind of connection with me, but I guess I won't find out why unless I know your history and seeing our track record, that's not going to happen unless I indulge you in all of mine. However, involuntarily I have shown you some of my past, so it wouldn't be fair trade if I didn't get something in return. Ah, but you're not someone for fair trade, you're someone who takes, aren't you.' I dropped my hand again and walked a couple steps closer until I was within range of him. His entire expression was set to neutral. 'How many have you killed?'

'How many have you?'

'None.' A small smile appeared on his lips. I could see he didn't want to believe me, but somewhere he did. He raised his hand and I could see he wanted to reach for one of the stitches on my face, but I didn't let him. 'If you move that hand closer than it now is, I will personally make sure you will live the rest of your life without hands. It will be unable to attach artificial hands to your arms afterwards.' He stopped an inch short of touching me – it was not an empty threat.

'That is why you decided to move closer, to assert dominance in this situation.' I raised my eyebrow a little at him before he lowered his hand again. 'It's true that I'm still working on forming a connection with you, even though you've clearly said you're not interested.'

'You're not going to tell me the reason and there are restrictions on our contact, how do you plan to accomplish this?' He just smiled back at me and remained silent. 'Well it's not like I expected an answer, but it couldn't hurt to try. You're not replacing me for Hisoka concerning Gon because Zeno is more aware of my issue than you are and he has already approved of me to do this. With the part of my past you're aware of, you know it's my specialty. I will not fail, and your small attempt to throw me off is not going to work either.'

'Hm, I still have my methods. You're a good addition to my goal.' _His goal?_ That was the first time he actually uttered something of the like. Up until now I'd thought his interest was purely personal and that he simply wanted to increase the number of people he trusts. The look in his eyes told me he was pleased with throwing me off, and I realized that him having a second goal could be either truth or lie right now. 'You give off a lot of signals if you don't understand something, I am specialized in picking up these signals and also in hiding them. You are not on my level concerning this, and if you don't become better at it, I will have to replace you for the session at the Zoldyck's house.' I blinked once at his words. I could agree with the last part at the very least. If Chrollo can pick up these signals, I am not ready for an ambush from Killua's parents.

'We will work on this after session Friday unless you have the time tomorrow.'

'Friday is fine as long as Hisoka's available.'

'He is. I take it was never your intention to replace me concerning Gon?' He laughed softly and closed his eyes for a second. I took advantage of this moment and reversed our roles.

I reached up and stroke my fingertips along the side of his clothed neck. I felt him tense up underneath the collar. Although slightly dangerous, Chrollo's reaction was worth it. When I get my issue as far under control as is possible, apparently touch is a way to get the man in front of me under control as well. I never really bothered with soft touches like this. Apart from not needing them, more often than not the consequences were not worth it.

'I will see you Friday then.' He turned around and walked away before I'd even retreated my hand. I wasn't used to the reaction Chrollo had just given me. It wasn't shock like Killua had displayed after embracing him, it wasn't the lust or want I was used to from Hisoka, and certainly wasn't anything like my mother's teachings.

It was interesting, so I will not do that again. I can contain the consequences at the moment because I have it completely subdued now after calming down from Hisoka's provocations and it wasn't direct contact; but at any other given time I would play directly into what he wanted.

'Illumi.' I stopped looking at my hand and dropped it again when I heard Killua speak up a couple of feet away from the door. It seemed to be visiting hour.

Remembering the stitches on my face though, I turned around while answering and adjusted my hair to cover them.

'You all seem to have a sixth sense in bothering me, what is it.' I pulled the turtleneck up to hide the scratch on my neck and turned back around, waiting for Killua to enter the room. He stopped surprisingly close to me. 'I still have your scans to analyze before Friday, so unless you can magically tell me what you have in your head, this conversation's not going to be long.'

**###**

_I really, really don't want you to be the first one to do this with, but I don't have a lot of choice, do I?_

'Then you don't have time for training right now?' I stood way closer than I wanted to be at this point. There was a kind of curiosity on his face that I couldn't place, and my instincts were telling me to stay away from that. My assignment however tells me this is the perfect time to get closer. I can't really believe my face is anywhere near as poker as it needs to be right now though.

'That won't happen 'till Saturday, my other patient demands attention as well.' That hand of his that wasn't in his pants pocket was making me nervous. I had seen Chrollo walking away from here just now, had something happened?

I wanted to go away, but forced myself to stay a bit longer.

'If you find something on those scans, do you have the skills to fix it?' He inclined his head the other way and his fingers snaked a little before he answered. _He can't wait to literally get inside my head, can he._ Although after his strong reactions to touch, I'd expected more consequences after a kiss, I was doing something wrong..? I was not meeting all the criteria to cause a trigger with him… that was actually good if he wanted to survive my parents.

'It will depend on what it is exactly. If there's been an alteration or slice inside your head, there's little I can do. You want the restriction to be removed?' While taking another stance he got a bit closer to me. _My dad's six foot tall, why am I not even close to that by now..._ I pouted at that thought. I am still stronger than almost all martial artists – despite my small height – but when confronted with equally strong fighters, height bothered me a little,

'It won't make a lot of difference, I won't talk about it anyway outside of this place.'

'It's the idea of control that you want out of you, that's not strange.' I backed away a little when his hand reached for my head, but stopped myself when I remembered my goal. 'With the mental strain that's been put on you from birth you will not be able to talk about your family either way for the rest of your life. Removing whatever's in your head is merely the thought of freedom.' He softly lay his hand on top of my head and shifted it a little to the side. This was weird – in more ways than one. Let's start with that Illumi has never done this, and that him instigating this is actually making it easier for me to go along with it.

But it wasn't something he would do; he told me he'd tolerate my approaches because he understood my situation… that's a far cry from what's happening right now. _Something happened with you tonight._

At first I just pouted at the touch, before I relaxed enough to start talking again.

'But… concerning training, am I making a fatal error in your style that I should fix when I practice alone?' It was getting hard looking up at him, his hand movements were soft – not exactly what I was used to. I was trying my hardest not to light up like a lighthouse right now.

'I suggest focusing on single movements, do not make combinations. Your basic technique is correct, but your body needs to get used to the strain.' I swallowed back a bit harder when his hand slid to the side of my face. 'You're going to have a hard time convincing your parents you seduced me if you react like this.' I barely refrained myself from snapping his hand off when I responded.

'It's not like it's a skill I had to learn, I'm not a fucking spy!' I stopped immediately again when his thumb ran along my bottom lip.

'Practice with Gon.'

'You're not exactly the same as him, that's useless practice.' _Like hell I want to do this with Gon either._

'Then next to session and training with me, you also demand to practice this with me?' I shivered a little when one of his fingers trailed from behind my ear along my jawline and finally away from my head. 'That's a lot of extra time you're demanding, that would have to be discussed with Dr. Lucilfer and Zeno – I am not allowed to make this call.'

'I will hear Friday then?' Was my voice still even? God I fucking hope it was.

'That will be a negative answer, I do not feel like giving you this attention. If you think Gon is not sufficient to practice with, you should find someone else. I will test you before the session at your house will take place, but that's all. Should I already reserve the 100% privacy room for your visit this Monday?' I… _very_ reluctantly nodded. I don't want to do that stuff with Gon, but I'm _slightly_ more reluctant in doing it with either Chrollo or Hisoka. I pouted again at the idea of doing something like that with either of my options.

'I didn't think you'd prefer your other options either way. I can give you my preferences, but that's all that's happening.' _This guy has no shame,_ 'I will take a look at your scans now.'

'I'll go train by myself then.' I already turned around before I heard some movement and Illumi speak up again just a second later.

'Didn't you come here to cross the barrier? You will have to be the one to approach me, don't you? Your visit will have been meaningless if you don't try anything.' I petrified a little when I heard that. I was hoping it was over for today, but apparently it wasn't. _Goddamnit Killua, you've survived years of training to become an assassin, and you can't fucking do_ this _?!_

I turned back and saw Illumi had sat down on his chair – probably to get to eyelevel with me. So for this moment I swallowed back all the hesitation I had, and stepped towards him, putting my hands on the armrests and leaning forward to kiss him again. I really, _really_ needed to keep my eyes closed at this moment before I realized what I was doing.

It got a little too much for me when I felt Illumi inclining his head to it, and I pulled away, looked away, walked away. _I'm going to punch something to death now._

**###** _  
_

At the very least he didn't seem to notice my injuries, he was too preoccupied with trying to figure out what to do. The difference between us is mainly experience. I do not feel like doing any of this with him either, but it's needed for him to get out of his comfort zone as an assassin and into a future stable state of mind. This will be stopped immediately after the ordeal with his parents though, he will get too attached otherwise. After that Gon's death will have been staged, and he will become more relaxed; we'll work on having him socialize with others.

I stood up and walked back to my desk where the scans lay and held them up to the light to take a quick glance. I spread them in between my fingers, and wasn't surprised when I didn't see anything this quickly. He wouldn't be part of his family if it could be seen at first glance. I shoved them back over each other before leaving for Machi's office.

All the interruptions of tonight had cut a lot in my time, I will get little sleep this night. Well, it's not like I need that for a level 3. I have to say I'm thankful for Killua's transparency, I hadn't felt anything close to a trigger just now. Well, if I got away with touching Chrollo – even if it was indirectly - then someone like Killua has no chance of causing a trigger anyway, does he.

'Back already?' I got greeted by Machi before she already opened the door to the small room where I could hold the scans up to the right light, and the proper computers to magnify. She walked back to Hisoka whose bones were being set back properly, after having giving me a longer look than usual. I felt his eyes on me, but I ignored him for now. 'You'll be here all night?' I nodded to her when I passed them, and heard Hisoka enjoying the cracking sound in his hand. 'Can you lead the infirmary for tonight then? I have somewhere to go after this.'

'I'm not keeping an eye on it, I'll just be here.'

'Tch, close enough. Have fun.' I paid it no more heed than that and placed the scans in front of the light, trying to pinpoint an anomaly first. Apparently Hisoka and Machi had made up somewhat that she was actually treating him.

'If you don't let things like this be stitched you'll get a nasty scar, you idiot.'

'You know I don't really mind.'

'Scar tissue has less elasticity than normal tissue does, with the way _you_ live, you _should_ mind.' I heard the cart with equipment being rolled over to Hisoka. 'Why isn't Illumi treating you, by the way? Isn't he practically your personal doctor?' I heard a soft laugh coming from the next room before he answered,

'We had a bit of a… falling out.' I heard the scissors being slammed back down on the cart, and the volume of her voice raised,

'With these kind of wounds it obviously wasn't a fight, I don't understand why he keeps amusing you with these favors. Where does he get the patience for you idiot?!'

'He's useful to me most of the time.' I answered as usual, and heard her sigh audibly in response to that, and she picked up her instruments again. For as long as I've known them they've been at each other's throats, but it's been getting worse lately.

'If it wasn't that you work here, I would call you a saint for putting up with him.' It's not being a saint, it really is mainly a sense of usefulness.

'Oh, but Illumi is such a good friend to me. I wish I was allowed to be that close to Chrollo as well.' It became deadly quiet after those words. It wasn't a silence because of concentration – Machi doesn't need that for treating these kinds of wounds.

'Why isn't anyone objecting about me being near him, but he's apparently off-limits to everyone else, Hisoka?' I could feel his amusement from the other room, and decided to take a look around the corner. I saw Machi staring up at his face and ignoring me quite intently before she continued stitching. Is this something everyone but me is aware of? That is unusual. Hisoka merely turned his eyes towards me and answered in a low voice,

'Because you're very, _very_ special, my dear Illumi.' I sighed and turned back to continue checking the scans. I had a higher chance of finding out through continued contact with Chrollo himself than to hear it from anyone else, it seemed.


	19. Saturday & Sunday 12th &13th

I was starting to think Chrollo Lucilfer was the most dangerous man in this entire institution. Illumi had indirectly outed himself as a Death's Deliverer, and Hisoka apparently didn't care a whole lot about telling of his past if I could believe Feitan. But Chrollo… no-one knew anything of him, and he had the most unreadable face of all time. The only thing I can read from it is that he knows exactly what he's doing… everything about my gut instinct is by now screaming to stay away from him.

I threw the bouncing ball against my bedroom wall in front of me and caught it with one hand again, not really noticing what I was doing. I let it bounce via the ceiling and caught it behind me, continuing the motion a couple more times and switching hands in between. I don't know where Chrollo stands in everything that's going on, and a huge uncertain factor like that needs to be resolved. I just have no idea how. Via Illumi was certainly out of the question, he's already giving me a lot of leeway, and I can't expect any more than I'm already receiving. Not that I want even half of it though…

I caught the ball a split second before it would've hit my eye. I got distracted for a second there, I need to get over that. Instead of feeling bad for my situation, I should accept it and make sure I get out of it unscathed. To make sure I succeed in becoming the youngest official, I need to get even more leeway though. The sooner I get my title, the more attention I get in my world, and the sooner I can pull Gon out of his death. But I'll work on that _after_ faking that for him. Maybe I can find something to give back to either one of my shrinks or the institution that will gain favor.

I shook my head to refocus on what I needed to do _now_. I don't necessarily need to do anything with Gon this Monday, but I have to get over some of the shyness, don't I? Fuck Illumi's preferences, I'll see what happens a week and a half from now.

This time I caught the ball in time before it hit my midriff and started up another combination. Two days ago during group session Feitan had decided to answer some of my questions. I don't know why he does it, but I'm guessing boredom is the greatest motivator for him. As long as he's not playing games the way some of the people here like to do, then I've gained some useful information. It didn't make me more comfortable though, just more on edge. It had brought me to the single conclusion that Chrollo Lucilfer was a ghost to everyone but Zeno.

_I'd expected Feitan to either sneak around at night to give me some answers, or speak to me somewhere in a blind spot again, but apparently I needed to be the one to initiate it during group session. I didn't look at him any longer than I normally did, and casually walked in after him, wanting to sit down next to him like I did the last times as well._

_'Ho there, you two are not allowed in each other's vicinity.' I felt Nobunaga's hand on my shoulder, stopping my movement. I think it's clear by now that this man is an exception in this place. For as far as I know, he's clean and is about the only one actively recommending people being sent to prison. I don't really have to worry about him though, he's nowhere near as mentally dangerous as either of my shrinks._

_'Tch…' I plucked his hand off me and casually walked across the room; taking a seat where we could still see each other. They'd moved the cameras around a bit, but to me and Feitan that was of little consequence._

_As soon as the others had sat down and started talking, Nobunaga's attention slipped a little from us. It only took a couple of minutes before we got the freedom to communicate. If Feitan wasn't going to initiate it, then I would. I leaned forward on my legs and looked out the window while I tapped the side of my leg facing away from Nobunaga. I alternated my index and middle finger to simulate a morsecode, and I glanced over to Feitan to see if he'd caught it and would go along with it right now. If he didn't feel like it, he wouldn't cooperate._

_"Can't do this long, idiot will notice." He responded with that,_

_"We'll use intervals." He looked a bit longer at me before he sighed and answered again._

_"What do you want to know?" I didn't really care if he was reluctant, as long as I got my answers._

_"Is Illumi a Death's Deliverer?"_

_"Yes." Well, at least that's confirmed now._

_"Is he a mental breaker?"_

_"Obviously." My body wanted to physically react to that. Those guys are seriously fucked up – even compared to us. I'm just glad that he's not one of those breakers that actively seeks out new projects…_

_"Chrollo's previous profession?" Moving on from Illumi, it was a long shot asking him about my other shrink, seeing as he didn't even know what the man looked like, but perhaps he'd heard something._

_"I don't know."_

_"Does Hisoka or Illumi know?"_

_"Hisoka maybe, Illumi doesn't."_

_"Why Illumi not, he works with him."_

_"Doesn't get along with Chrollo." Well, there's that confirmed as well._

_"Have they worked together before?"_

_"No." I should've known all of this for certain already, their communication out of session is not without hostility. "For unbalancing, Chrollo's obsessed with Illumi." He caught my attention completely when he signaled this. This obsession was why they didn't get along?_

_"Obsessed how?"_

_"Don't know."_

_"Hisoka told you, found out yourself?" If Chrollo had an obsession, then it's a good start with finding out more about him._

_"Both."_

_"What's Hisoka to Illumi?"_

_"Don't ask stupid questions." I scowled his way a second. It was pretty obvious that Hisoka and Illumi knew each other longer and Hisoka is physically attracted to him, but I can't have any more maybe's at this point._

_A moment after I scowled at Feitan, Nobunaga suddenly directed his attention solely towards me, and started talking to me. Giving him a bored look when he did this, I didn't let that distract me in the slightest. While answering him and blowing him off, I continued relaying the last question before an interval._

_"What's Hisoka to Chrollo?" Feitan waited with answering until Nobunaga was done with me again, and I drew my brows together when I saw his response,_

_"Don't know."_

Not even with the next session of questions had I found out anything about Chrollo Lucilfer. Apart from Machi, Feitan didn't even know who was part of the people he trusts. This is considering my other shrink had no trouble giving me fairly obvious hints to being a mental breaker, and apparently Hisoka plain and simply telling his patient what he used to do for a living. _Goddamn that redhead._

If I had to take into consideration that apparently coming to work here with _that_ kind of background was normal and still no-one knew of Chrollo's background…

Thinking of his face and combining it with what I now knew was not doing my survival instincts a lot of good. What kind of options were there left that he could've done? What's actually not accepted in this place?

I shivered a little with the first thought, and opted to dodge the bouncing ball this time – having it hit a clear spot of wall in front of me. I need to stop thinking in prison terms where the one thing that's looked down upon by everyone is anything related to either child rape, -abuse or -murder. Considering Hisoka's nature, there were probably some previous sex offenders working here, but they can keep it to themselves, else they wouldn't get any patients.

I caught the ball again and heaved a sigh of relief crossing that one off my list. But there wasn't a lot left, was there? I mean if even mental breakers are allowed to work here…

Could it be that Chrollo doesn't know about his past anymore either? That he displayed the skills needed and was hired, but no-one knows where it comes from? He does look a bit too set in his motives for this to be true though. Unless of course he was doing everything he was doing because he was trying to find his past again.

That still doesn't bring me even an inch closer to finding out something about him. I need to find out enough to know what I can expect of him, I'll relay what I know to dad. I should be contacted by him pretty soon either way – he was supposed to check the surveillance planted at both Illumi's and Chrollo's homes. There's bound to be something important on there, and maybe it's the one thing I need to actually connect the first two pieces of Chrollo's puzzle.

I bounced the ball again. It's actually a good way for me to focus, but there's not a whole lot of space to do that in this place, it was testing my coordination a bit. Not in the least when my door was opened and I had to dodge once to see who it was, wanting to catch it after.

'Discussion on your scans will be after session tomorrow.' But it was Illumi who intercepted the thing before throwing it back at me. _Was that dog that I smelled on him?_ 'You also have a phone call, and we're going to train in one hour.' He was gone within a second after that, and I threw the ball back on the bed. _Speak of the devil._

* * *

What I don't understand is why Hisoka got a dog in the first place. Even back then he was never at home, and now that it's here it's obvious the dog doesn't have a connection with him. He should've never bought the Rottweiler, and when Kurapika delivered him here it was obvious he agreed to this.

I looked up from the dog to the one who he was most inclined to, and back to the redhead sitting behind his desk. Immediately when Chrollo had entered this office, Phinks had happily approached him and sat down by his feet. What I saw in Chrollo's expression when petting the dog a little was a strange sight – it was a sort of relaxation that he hadn't shown before.

Hisoka didn't really have attention for any of it, strangely enough he was working and not paying attention to either me or the leading psychologist in front of me.

'So, you wanted to speak about the conclusions you've drawn from the scans?' Phinks lay his head down in Chrollo's lap, and said man petted a bit behind his ears.

'If you're leading tomorrow there's one thing you need to know.' I lay the papers down on the table in between us, and he picked them up to look at my words before I would continue talking. Once he reached the end of the page both him and Hisoka put their full attention on me. The latter one because he already knew, and the look in the eyes of the one in front of me spelled that he was highly interested in the results.

'You're certain about this?' He held the paper up a second before laying it back down. 'Are you sure your skills are up to date enough to draw this conclusion, has Machi taken a look at it as well?'

'Machi has already acknowledged that my knowledge in this area is greater than hers, asking for her second opinion doesn't add anything to this conclusion.' He laughed a little when I inclined my head. He'd caught that I was a bit insulted at his statement.

'Alright. Then if there's really nothing in or altered in Killua's brain, then it's all been manipulation by his family? Because he's convinced there _is_ something there.'

'With the way they've drilled their son to be the way he is now, it's not unthinkable.' These assassins went to greater lengths than us to conceal any trace of their identity.

'Are we going to tell him this?' The only other option besides telling the truth, was confirming him that there _was_ something, and pretend to remove it so he'd feel more freedom when he actually didn't have it. This is a choice between straining either his trust- or connection to his parents.

'Seeing as we're going to work on giving him social skills, it wouldn't be beneficial to tell him there's nothing there. It's better if he severs the ties with his parents on his own. He'll come out more stable that way.'

'So we're going to bring him under and pretend to remove whatever he thinks is in there? But then we need to guess what he thinks is in there, or else it won't work.'

'That's the second reason I'm telling you this before session tomorrow.'

'You want me to find out? You don't want to do this yourself?'

'Although he's more inclined to tell me things, his objectives concerning me are clouded at best at the moment. You have a better chance of getting clear information out of him at this point.' The widening of his smile at this point told me of his amusement, but I directed my attention to the redhead behind his desk that couldn't take his eyes off me. 'I suggest you pay more attention to keeping our patients apart than thinking of ways to trigger me again, Hisoka.' He slitted his eyes near closed when I turned his way.

'Oh? But I was just thinking about this odd situation of you allowing someone to come closer. I'm so very curious where this' going to lead.' He leaned back in his chair a bit but never took his eyes off me, bringing a finger to his lips. Noticing the same kind of attention from Chrollo I realized I was in a snake pit right now. Even the dog was looking my way. _Next time will be supervised by someone else._

I sighed and closed my eyes for a second before looking straight up at Hisoka and raising the volume a little in annoyance,

'It's going to lead nowhere. Killua does not cause triggers with me anymore. Right now he's obligated by his parents to come closer to me, and I'm using it to force him to learn more about social interaction from Gon. After the session at his house, there will be put a stop to it.'

'And you're even letting him train with you and will fake dear Gon's death.'

'It is all to avoid the worst kind of outcome. Having the Zoldycks as an enemy is not favorable to this institution.' Hisoka's grin grew, but he didn't respond any further. He knew I was aware of his further arguments; that I've always found a way around having to actually deal with a patient outside of session, and right now I'm doing the complete opposite. I would say it's because Killua's a level 5 and not a 3 - but that argument doesn't hold value anymore now that he doesn't cause triggers anymore.

I am taking a lot of this case on my shoulders, and although most of it is logically explained to get the best possible outcome – not all of it is a necessity. I need to watch I don't find some kind of interest in Killua again, or else the session at his house will not end well.

'I'll devise a way of speaking to get him to tell what he thinks is inside his head. Meanwhile I want reports of your out of session experiences with Killua as well. They will heavily influence him in the coming week, I need to know about them.' When he stood up to end the session and walk away, Phinks stood up as well and walked after him. Chrollo had to firmly command him to stay before he listened and sat down by the door.

'Perhaps you should let Chrollo adopt Phinks, he seems to like him more than you.' After a couple seconds the Rottweiler turned away from the door and happily walked towards me and lay down by my feet. Hisoka laughed a little at the scene.

'It seems Phinks has adopted his disliking for me from my good neighbor. I never knew you were good with him, Illumi.' Hisoka actually using my name indicated an increased interest, and I looked up at him,

'It's a useful skill, he will help me keep you at bay.' His grin grew even wider before he slowly redirected his attention back to work. I have no interest in a pet of any kind, I have enough work as is and I don't need Phinks walking right behind me during it all. I need to focus.

'You barely survived yesterday's onslaught, you don't have anything to say about that anymore?' He ticked in something on his pc before turning his eyes back towards me.

He was referring to Chrollo's test on me being able to keep information on myself to myself. It hadn't gone as smoothly as I'd anticipated.

'I wasn't talked into a corner until after thirty minutes, both times, I can easily extend this to an hour within the next week. I don't see why _we_ would need to talk about it.' He ticked something again while I responded, and talked during,

'The Zoldycks won't touch on you being a Death's Deliverer because Assassins need your kind, but you _are_ aware that Killua, Chrollo and I have been able to trigger you. And when our dear Chrollo moved in on you yesterday, you gave him a death threat.'

'… …'

'I think they will expect you to shake their hand, Illumi.' He didn't go through the trouble of masking the amusement in his voice. 'I'm convinced you'll be verbally ready, but that's not really the problem, is it? Like you always say so beautifully, it's something you have and not something that can be treated. I think you'll need to put yourself in situations that cause triggers in order to learn to keep them under wraps longer.' He leaned back again and looked at me, awaiting my response to this. What he was saying was not untrue. I had come close to physically attacking Chrollo, and I can't display something like that when at Killua's house.

'Alright, I'll see you tomorrow at five.' I stood up and made sure Phinks stayed where he was. I know Hisoka mostly suggested it for his own pleasures, but it needs to be done. I will not call on Chrollo for this. He needs to stay away from me.

'Why not right now?' He almost purred the words when I stood in the door opening, and I flat our refused him.

'I'm training with Killua in less than half an hour, it would be a waste of time to do this now.' I slammed the door behind me.

* * *

_'You can't find anything on him?'_

'Not even from another level 5 that's been here for several years.'

_'What could he say about him?'_

'Nothing useful. I do know someone affiliated with him, so I'll try to find out something through her.'

_'What's her name, we'll do the research instead of you.'_

'Machi. Did you call because of something you found in the footage of either of my psychologists?'

_'… … There's been violence in Illumi's house the night before last Monday, Chrollo Lucilfer is never home. What does he look like?_

'Three inches smaller than Illumi, shoulder length black hair and grey eyes. Slightly broader built than Illumi.'

 _'That's all.'_ I looked down at the phone a second before handing it back to the receptionist. Well that was weird.

* * *

'…So surgery will take place?' Training yesterday had been on an intensity level that I hadn't felt since coming here and my body felt broken. At the same time it's the best physical feeling I've had in ages.

'Yes, we're going to schedule it for next week. It's not extensive, and you'll be conscious throughout it.' Because I was feeling good physically, I didn't completely shoot down the idea of brain surgery. It wasn't exactly on my bucket list either though.

'It will take place here, right?'

'We have all the equipment for it, yes.' I watched him as he exchanged some papers with Chrollo and the latter put them away in his desk. Hearing that this was actually happening made me happy and nervous at the same time. Of course I wanted to get rid of the iron grip on my mind, but even with that thing in my head gone I've still been drilled into infinity to deny what I am. _Well, that's actually a good thing if I want to go pro, isn't it._ I nodded a little to my inner monologue. 'You're okay with me doing this?' I looked up at Illumi when he asked me this. No, I'm not fucking okay with you doing this. I can't exactly stop you if you get the sudden urge to alter something in my head. It was a trade-off, and I was wondering if it was worth the risk.

'If this is going to happen, I want someone supervising it who knows what you're doing.' I wasn't consenting just yet. I get that he doesn't want to kill me, but knowing he's a mental breaker doesn't exactly instill me with a lot of confidence.

'That would be Machi then, do you trust her?' _More than I do you._ I looked up at Chrollo when he spoke.

'Enough.' _Machi is more transparent in her motives than either of you are, and it's not like there's any other choice._ 'I'm not consenting to this yet, I'll make the decision before tomorrow.' Suddenly I'm back to my old life where I need to make snap decisions. _I'm taking my time for this one though._

'I'll be right back then.' Chrollo lay a hand briefly on Illumi's shoulder when he passed to probably inform Machi of this. _What is she to you..?_

Now that I know for certain there was a dislike in between him and Illumi though, I noticed the short look they shared when they made contact. Chrollo was challenging him with his eyes, but at the same time Illumi looked back like he could kill him within the second. This is the kind of hostility I will have to be able to deal with as soon as I want to start a group for myself. I'm confident I can do this, if only for the sake of making sure Gon can leave this institution as soon as possible.

A moment after their exchange both their expressions became as lifeless as they've always been.

'Do you still have questions?' Referring to that I was still sitting in the same spot. _Yes, I have a shitload of questions._ When I hesitated in answering, Illumi continued, 'If not, then you can—' He stopped when I stood up.

'Of course I have questions, I have a dozen fucking questions, it's possible you're gonna do brain surgery on me. You think I don't have questions?' I violently ticked my finger against the side of my head and raised my voice a little. Perhaps some nervousness was slipping out. 'I don't even know where to start, that's the fucking problem.' Like it wasn't anything to him, Illumi quietly sat down in Chrollo's chair ready to answer anything. I scowled a little at that reaction. _Would it kill you to show that it's a big deal?! This is not our Monday talk about where I'm going with Gon for the day!_

'You have nothing to fear, I am the most qualified of anyone in this- and neighboring cities to do it.' He inclined his head after that. 'But of course you're scared, someone's going to open your head and it will leave you at my mercy. It must go against your nature. On top of that you don't trust me. Is there anything that needs to be done to—' I raised my hand and turned away a little. I didn't even want to hear this. That this possibility would ever present itself was enough for me to take in right now.

I lowered my hand and raised my head, closing my eyes and sighing a little. There was no amount of talking that could take this anxiety out of me right now _. I think I'm going to start training early today._

'Training with you won't be until tomorrow again, right?' I opened my eyes to the ceiling.

'I only have one and a half free hours left right now.' I only turned my eyes to him,

'That's enough time to lay a second basis, isn't it?'

'I will train you for no less than two hours.' I turned my entire body back to him. _Is this out of dedication to his skills..?_ Because it sounded as a weird reason to me. Even in one hour you can still learn something – although not a lot.

'If you have nothing to do anyway, then why not join me?'

'I can spend my free time more usefully than only giving you half a training.' When he turned his head back and inched to stand up, I noticed something different about his face and suddenly something clicked. _Both his wardrobe and his hair have been different since Wednesday, apparently for a reason._

When I walked to him resolutely and stopped him for a second with standing up by doing this, I closed my face in on his, pretending I was making a move, only to have the chance to take a better look.

Illumi noticed what my intentions were almost immediately, but didn't stop me from doing any of this. _Makes sense, there's no use in hiding it if I've already seen it._ I stroke the hair away from his face as he leaned his head casually on his hand,

'This is from Chrollo?'

'This is not of your concern.' It could still be from either of them, they're both good enough fighters to cause Illumi having to get stitches in his face. Chrollo hadn't seemed hurt though, so there was a bigger chance it'd been Hisoka who'd carried his left arm differently. 'Are you going to make a move on me, or was it purely to check this.' I let go of his hair and suddenly became aware of my position. I had one knee beside him on the chair, and I'd leant my hand against the backrest next to his head. I did my best in suppressing my need to jump away from this. _Alright, what would be normal to do right now..?_

I looked straight into his eyes just an inch away, and that look of not caring was bad for my nerves. _Do you even have pupils? Your eyes are eerily black._

'If you're not going to do anything, then I'd rather y—' I took a quick breath before I leaned in the last inch and kissed him again with my eyes shut tight. Contrary to his eyes, his lips weren't stoic though, and it took me quite a lot of willpower to not move away from him this time when he inclined his head. Embarrassingly so, I felt my breathing increase in the tension when he started massaging his lips against mine a little. I mimicked it for as far as my nerves let me. But I stepped back as calmly as I could when I felt his mouth open a little - pocketing my hands and looking down at him.

'You like to interrupt me today.' When he stood up, I inched back a small step. 'You're getting it under control a little, you will be fine the second Monday from now.' I nodded in acceptance of his words and did my best not to look away from him. _Forget last Wednesday, I'm gonna kill the entire gym today._

'I'll go train on my own now then.' He looked away from me,

'Don't train my method when you're agitated, train your own skills.' He started walking towards the door before I took a deep breath and asked a question that had been in my mind ever since Gon's call this week. _I owe it to him to get an answer as quickly as possible, might as well play their game and ask directly._

'By now, what is your stance on faking Gon's death and hiding him here, by the way?' I knew they knew this was my plan, but up until now I hadn't really gotten a clear answer to where they stood on this… only that they wouldn't be forced in any way.

Illumi didn't even stop walking out the door to answer me,

'It's none of your concern.' At the same moment he uttered those words, he closed the door behind him, and I kicked the table in front of me to smash against it. I still know _nothing_!

'And I'm supposed to trust you picking my brain?!' Fuck it, with their approval or not, I'll think of a plan to keep Gon here.

I quickly calmed myself down after that burst, and straightened my posture. I looked at the door, thinking up my possibilities in here. You guys seem to forget that even though I have been caught on the attempted murder of Ging Freeccs, I have done countless successful hits before. I will not be done under by you, you _will_ notice the true extent of my training.


	20. Sunday 13th - Assassin

'You're making it impossible for me to keep my distance if you keep appearing at my door like that.' I cocked my head when Hisoka reacted this way. Both our days had ended early and I'd invited myself to his house to practice dealing with triggers a little earlier than agreed to. I have too little time on Monday either way.

'Am I displaying emotions then? Do I look different?' He stepped aside and let me enter before responding. After taking care of some preparatory work on Gon's death the next week, I'd called Hisoka. Needless to say that he hadn't objected. I do need to take care of Gon before the session at the Zoldycks. The only time Killua has the possibility to pull it off himself is when his friend visits the institution – and he was most probably not planning it for tomorrow. His acting is not sufficient enough, we have to do this without his knowing.

'Did Killua make a move again? You said he was allowed to approach, didn't you?' Hisoka walked to the kitchen for a moment while I sat down on his couch. Looking around, I hadn't expected differently than that the place would be a mess – seeing as he was never home - but it wasn't so bad. Mostly just an accumulation of dust.

'You think I would actually display some kind of trace to a trigger from interaction with him?' Killua would have to pull a big surprise to catch enough interest again to do this. I don't see this happening anytime soon.

'I think with the combination of all of us, that you've become more sensitive to it.' He almost whispered in my ear with a low voice when he returned from the kitchen, and leisurely walked around the couch to sit down next to me; leaning an arm over the backrest and inclining his body my way. I turned a little as well to be able to look at him more comfortably.

'I can assure that Killua doesn't meet the requirements to a trigger anymore.' His eyes betrayed a lot of interest at this moment.

'What did he do?'

'He kissed me.'

'Deep or normal?'

'Normal, he backed away when I was about to switch.'

' _You_ were switching?' His eyes widened a moment when he said this,

'Killua doesn't have experience in any of this. If he wants to convince his parents he's still obedient, he will need to learn.'

'Such consideration coming from you.'

'Like I said before, this is all to accommodate the best possible outcome.'

'So we won't make enemies with the Zoldycks, right?' He laughed softly. He wasn't convinced that was my only reason.

'If I was in any kind of way getting attached to Killua, I would experience triggers when touching him, Hisoka.'

'Oh, I'm sure you would.' There was no way in convincing him of this, so I let it be. That wasn't why I was here anyway. 'How's his training going?'

'He picks it up well, but he's nowhere near the speed needed to execute it properly. He needs more muscle control for that than he now has.'

'You're turning him into quite a fearful fighter.'

'He needs to be to break away from his parents.'

'This is not untrue, but also none of our business. Our only business is making sure he breaks away, not how well he will be able to manage afterwards. Judging from what Killua-kun has said, he will break away from them either way, won't he?'

'He will need the confidence to stay away from them. This training is giving him that.'

'There's no convincing you, is there?' I inclined my head to it,

'If you would come with arguments that could actually convince, I would consider it. But I see no evidence that I'm getting attached to Killua.' He lifted his head back a little when he laughed softly again, and licked his lips when he looked back at me.

'Shall we get started then?' There was nothing inside of me that agreed to doing this. On the other side I need it to learn to deal with it, so I just nodded lightly. A sexual trigger is easiest to deal with.

He extended his hand and lightly caressed my cheek, trailing his fingertips to behind my ear and laying it down against my neck, pulling me closer. I adjusted my position to let it happen.

He lowered his other arm to cup my face with both hands and I inclined my head when he locked lips with me. I could already feel my heart rate increasing, and I focused on countering this. I let my body go on auto-pilot while focusing my thoughts on something that did not cause any excitement for me. In the meantime also physically lowering my heart rate like the way I was taught to; this only worked with half efficiency when going into a trigger though.

I felt one of Hisoka's hands trail down and button open my shirt at the same time he let his tongue slide in to find mine. He let his hand glide over my bare chest – to the place I was trying to keep in check but felt like utterly failing in doing so.

I grabbed his wrist when I noticed it got into dangerously high beats per minute and he broke off the kiss, but kept his head close for a second,

'Well that was longer than I expected, I'm so very proud of you.' He bit my lip one last time before pulling his hand away as well and sitting back. 'Do you require assistance, or will you be able to manage on your own?' I took a second to register we'd detached and held myself back in assaulting the man in front of me. All through his every movement I'd felt his eagerness today was greater than other days. _Of course it was, he'd gotten permission to play._

'I can take care of this, I will be back in an hour.' I already stood up,

'You know the room you're allowed to destroy, don't you?' I nodded and wanted to walk off before I heard my phone ringing in my pocket and took it out in automatism; I hadn't even made it past the couch. Seeing it was Chrollo I took the possibility of it being concerning Killua as high; in this moment I wanted to pass it to Hisoka, but I remembered Zeno's words on responsibility well, and answered it myself.

'What's the matter.'

_'Do you have the time?'_

'Killua?' In the state I was now, I didn't have the focus to discern from the nuances in his voice why Killua was calling me with Chrollo's phone – so I put it to speaker.

_'Are you in the middle of a trigger right now?'_

'Why are you asking?' Is Chrollo making him call me? Killua doesn't have the skills to get his phone without consent, does he? Does Killua sound different, I can't hear right now. From the corner of my eye I noticed Hisoka moving towards me, and he took the phone from me, clicking the speaker button off again. I was still able to hear him though.

_'You're home because you need to prepare with Hisoka for the second Monday, so I figured you'd be.'_

'And why is it important for my dear Illumi-kun to be in a trigger right now?'

_'It was merely a question to find out if I was correct.'_

'Why do you have Chrollo's phone?'

_'Because my minutes are up for the week, and it was easier making use of his phone than expected. I need to warn you for tomorrow.'_

'Warn us?' Killua had been able to take Chrollo's phone without him noticing? That was hard to believe.

_'My parents will start testing you from tomorrow on. They know you're a Mental Breaker and they know you have a weakness to touch – they just don't know the consequences. So if you feel the need to trigger to anything at all, I suggest you take it all out today. I don't need to tell you that my parents are relentless.'_

'How very kind of you to warn us of this.'

_'I also suggest avoiding Chrollo the coming week, I overheard a conversation with Machi before you left. Also, kindness has nothing to do with it, I need Illumi to get free from my parents, it's not favorable for any of us if this doesn't happen.'_

'My, my, you sound so resolute all of a sudden, what happened today to make you this way?' Hisoka gave me a suggestive look, but I couldn't focus on much right now. I did my best to survive for the duration of this conversation though,

 _'That's none of your concern.'_ Hisoka laughed a little when he responded this way.

'My, Illumi, he's starting to sound just like you.'

_'Do you still have any questions you need answers to in preparation?'_

'Oh, I think we're good. Thank you very much.' He hung up after the confirmation, and I continued walking to the room I was allowed to destroy. Killua asking _us_ if we still have questions is new…

'I don't know what you've said to him today, Illumi-kun, but Killua seems to be completely back in the role of his profession. I feel so very proud of you.' Hisoka followed me for as long as he was allowed.

'There's no reason to be, it's not my aim. If he's being this way, it means I've failed somewhere.' I looked around when Hisoka caught up with me and stopped me by the shoulder – which resulted in me grabbing the offending hand, and twirling him around, pinning him against the wall.

'You're admitting that you failed? How very unlike you.' He took a short pause before continuing. 'But if he feels like he has to defend himself to the point he regresses to his profession, I'd say you're pushing him quite well. I'd say that he feels quite motivated now to approach you, that's favorable isn't it?'

'… …'

'Well? Shouldn't you take care of your trigger?'

* * *

 _Well that was about everything you're getting to know._ I hung up the phone and erased every trace I ever made the call or even picked up the thing in the first place before leaving the office. _If you're forcing me to do things this way, then I will._

I avoided every camera without a sound and left for Hisoka's office as quickly as I could. The second task for tonight would be finding, disabling and erasing the extra eyes that guy had set up around this institution. I can't have him spying on me when I hide Gon here. I have too little time to set everything up before tomorrow, but it will be possible the week after.

I stopped as soon as I'd shadowed inside his office, and looked around. For as far as I'd noticed, no-one had seen me coming in here – or even saw the door opening and closing. I let my eyes slide over the usual hiding places first, but quickly resorted to moving away from the door and started giving the place a more thorough search.

All of this was a risk – if I wouldn't find his equipment and let the footage loop over 48 or more hours previous to me coming in here, I'd be caught. If I'd be caught, every piece of control I had now would disappear. I need to find the right codes and cards to reroute the real time footage and previously recorded material to my laptop.

This is Hisoka I'm dealing with though, I need to leave as little trace as possible. But right now he's distracted with Illumi, so I have to use right now.

I shifted to another spot to look for controls. Someone like him probably has it hidden as either a needle in a haystack, or in an obvious place I wouldn't think of. Let's just start with the first option and check for abnormalities with his books. I've been trained to detect it, so I should be able to find something, even if it's that perverted redhead.

As soon as I've been able to loop his imagery, I can start relocating some of the – for him – less interesting cameras to places I need monitored – if they're not being monitored already. After all, picking up Chrollo's conversation with Machi sounded like I need to keep an eye on both of them – and find a way to get Machi to talk. I hope that's possible.

I paused and pouted for a second thinking back on interaction with her. From now on everything will be different though, I will hold nothing back.

_After having left Chrollo's office in a… reasonable state, this time I made the decision to actually follow through a 100% percent on my plans, instead of only half and allowing for my shrinks to have the lead on me. I have too little control over everything here, I need it back._

_So I shadowed the fastest I could to the infirmary to try and catch something there – hoping they were still there. I placed myself out of sight of the regular cameras, and stood there listening. Whatever they said would have an influence on my plans,_

_'…it's not like I ever get to go away from here as long as Pakunoda's not here to replace me, so it doesn't really make a difference.' Good to know, they were still here. I lay more focus on them then my surroundings at that point, and continued to listen._

_'Glad to hear that.' He sounded different around her, there was some sort of kindness… it's the first time I've actually heard an emotion in his voice; she must really mean something to him. I heard some shuffling before I heard her soft complaint._

_'… c-can you let go of me, Hisoka has eyes on this place, y'know.' … wow, not only a friendly tone, but a friendly gesture as well? He must know anyone can notice this if their interaction is in a public place, so he doesn't care people know of their relationship… whatever kind it is. That means it's probably just as difficult to gain information from her as it is from him._

_'You're right, I'm sorry.' …I really wish Feitan knew more about Chrollo and his relationship to Machi. Because if there was anything my shrink was doing that she didn't like, I would have a way into information. Now I have to figure out everything by myself._

_'Is there anything else you need my help with?' I squinted a little when I noticed how different she sounded around him as well. Fuck your violent treatments, Machi. I want Pakunoda back._

_'Actually yes.'_

_'… well?' There was some impatience by now. She wasn't comfortable discussing things here, that much was obvious. Her movements sounded a little agitated._

_'Killua is getting too close to Illumi, I need your help in preventing this from happening.' … uuhm…_

_'… why do you need those apart?' He huffed out a short breath before answering when Machi asked the same question I was asking myself. Still most of all, he has to know there's the possibility of someone listening in, and Hisoka can catch all of this with his extra eyes no-one seems able to find. Hisoka has a strong connection to Illumi, if Chrollo's saying these things inside the institution, the information is sure to reach my other shrink…_

_'He'll never surrender to me if he gets attached to the boy.' …why does he need Illumi surrendering to him..?_

_'… you want him to… surrender?' Surrender to_ what _?! Suddenly realizing I really don't know anything is feeling kind of frustrating…_

_'He'll be a valuable asset, don't you think?' I turned my head a little, and could see them slightly through a reflection from a framed mirror on the wall. With his fingertips he lightly brushed a stray strand of hair behind her ears. You guys are majorly intimate… but Illumi would be an asset to what? 'Or don't you like him?' Well from what I've seen, I don't think she does, no._

_'You sure you want to discuss all of this in a place where we're being monitored from all sides?' Yes, thank you for asking, Machi._

_'Doesn't matter, they already know of my motives. As long as they don't know the method, it's alright.' Of course they already know, he's more observant than that, Killua Zoldyck._

_Incidentally it doesn't even matter if I find out; I could up the moves to get physically closer to Illumi, but getting_ emotionally _close to that stone tablet is impossible if I can't cause a trigger – Chrollo knows this. Damn it, I need to trigger him again; Chrollo is the main enemy right now, I can't let him get a hold of Illumi. Well, I need to find out what the other conditions are for triggers then. I'll find out in the next week._

_'What do you need me to do then?'_

After that he lay his lips directly next to her ear, and lowered his voice so much that even I couldn't pick it up anymore. I had strained to look if I could find an angle to see his lip movements from, but that had become awkward very quickly. Not necessarily because of him softly kissing her neck, but the look in her eyes reminded me of what I have to do not too long from now. I forced myself to take learning from it, but it didn't take long before she pushed him away. A little thankful for this, I'd taken my leave at that point.

Putting that aside though, it was clear that Illumi was probably the only one who was going to be useful. And maybe Hisoka if he felt amused enough. Chrollo was definitely an enemy. He is least likely to help me get away from here before the six months are up, or even to help me hide Gon. If I can't use him for that I need him out of the way of myself and anyone who _does_ show an inclination to help.

So… find out if Machi has something against Chrollo somewhere and find out more about him through that; take and use Hisoka's eyes; prepare to fake Gon's death; convince my parents tomorrow I will actually kill him; find out the other factors to Illumi's triggers and use them to get emotionally closer so Chrollo doesn't stand a chance to use him for his own goals.

Normally that would be a lot to take care of, but I know exactly what to do and I've calculated mishaps into the planning – which I rather don't, but I have to. _Well look at this, all my training actually coming in handy outside of assassination._ I hope I have found the controls to Hisoka's eyes before my usual trip to the gym though. I don't want to give even the slightest hint of abnormality to these…

'… …!'

I jumped into hiding the split second I heard an abnormal sound, and scouted the room immediately. I squinted when I saw Feitan's form appear in my vision, and I stepped out of the shadow. He looked straight at me the entire time I came closer, and placed my head next to his to make sure no-one would be able to hear or see what I was saying.

'Why are you here?' He hadn't told me anything about Hisoka's eyes during our "talk" during group session, if he knew where they were he would've already disabled them to be able to leave.

'You're in the picture right now, you want to take control of his eyes, right?' _What? What do you have here that's keeping you at this place?_

'… …' He stepped away when my silence stretched too long. Right now I have no choice but to take his help. But I need to find out his motives before I do so again – this is a patient of Hisoka's, I don't trust him in the least.

'Here, have fun with it.' He pulled out a book at the other end of the cabinet, and left it half standing on the shelf. He wanted to quickly step away after that, but I grabbed hold of his arm before he disappeared.

'Why're you helping me.' He was going out of his way to do this, that wasn't exactly normal for someone who didn't seem to care about what anyone was doing. Was it really just boredom?

'I just felt like it.' I scowled when I got that answer,

'I've been in the business long enough to know you can lie better than that.' He scoffed, and turned his eyes to mine,

'If you're convinced I'll lie, there's no real need to keep me here when you have a job to do.' I increased the grip on his arm a little,

'As soon as I have control over Hisoka's eyes we're going to determine if you're really as dangerous as you say you are.'

'No we're not. You're no challenge with all these distractions.' I increased the grip again, nearly breaking his arm. _I'm no fun for you right now?_ 'You either let me go, or I'll find ways to play with you that will be very enjoyable to me.' His tone became more menacing, but I snorted at hearing that. There's nothing he can do that will be worse than I've been trained to endure.

'I have to finish more important things first, but I will find you in the near future.' I let go of him after that. Right now was not the time to have a serious fight with him. I have more important things to do, I can't risk getting hurt. _But we will have that fight._

* * *

'If you want to be able to ward the Zoldycks tomorrow, now would be a good time to go to sleep.' Despite Hisoka's words, I still swung my legs off the bed. No matter that I was back to normal by now, the amount of triggers that have been instigated tonight had been too many. I won't be able to find rest now. It's better if I leave for the institution before Hisoka decides to continue.

'I can still mentally prepare for that during Chrollo's lead with Killua. I don't need sleep, I'm leaving.' Before being able to stand up, he still traced a finger up and down my spine. I smacked it away though before it would have any effect. While gathering my clothes I looked at Hisoka rolling over on the bed and hanging his head off the edge. There had been progress tonight, but I'm not entirely satisfied just yet.

'Will you be able to resist him tomorrow? He _did_ find a way to use Chrollo's phone without him noticing. That's quite the feat.' His grin widened at the end of his words,

'Being able to do that will still not bring him at trigger level.' His eyes betrayed his amusement before he answered. I bent down to start dressing,

'But who knows what else he's doing right now, who knows how he'll be during session? I'm quite sure he won't look the same as the last three weeks.'

'Then I'll adapt. It's not exactly unpredictable behavior he's exhibiting right now.' Standing back up, I threw my hair back and immediately started working on pinning it up. _I'll sit in on the session, I'll supervise his visit outside of the institution, I'll let him in the privacy room with Gon, I'll meet with the Zoldycks, I'll train in the evening with the boy. All the time in between will be spent on gathering information to prepare for Gon's death._

There's nothing unexpected happening tomorrow. I don't know what kind of Mental Breakers these Zoldycks are familiar with, but most of them are incomparable to me. They will most likely unwillingly underestimate the control I can exert.

If Killua's back in his comfort zone of being an assassin to counter me, then I will revert into being a Death Deliverer completely in counter to his parents. Killua will need to get out of his comfort zone though, I will work on that during training tomorrow night.

'Don't forget to check up at your own place before you go back.' As soon as I wanted to walk out the door, Hisoka reminded me of something else important,

'Ah! Thank you, I do need to check on that by now.'

'Hm~ you're so focused on our dear little Killua that you almost forgot that? How interesting.' I turned to face him, and looked down at him,

'Why are you so hell bent on claiming there's some kind of connection between me and Killua?' He rolled back on his stomach, but didn't answer. It doesn't serve any goal for him to keep insisting on it.

I wanted to retort, but was interrupted by Hisoka's phone ringing next to his bed. He gave me a last grin before he jumped off and took the call. I took this moment to leave the premises and check home before going back.

But I wasn't given the opportunity.

'It's for you.' I turned back around and saw Hisoka dangling the phone in his hand before throwing it at me. Was my own phone empty? That could be a possibility.

'Illumi.'

 _'Did Killua call you today with this phone?'_ Killua had left a trace that Chrollo had detected? How sloppy of him.

'No he didn't.' I hadn't needed Killua's words to be wary of this man's motives. Although Chrollo's probably pretty sure that his phone has been used, so he'll see right through the lie. Well, he knows I'm against him, so me lying shouldn't be a surprise for him either.

_'Can you come here tonight, I need to discuss something before session then.'_

'I was already planning on going to the institution, but I won't be there 'till four hours from now. What is the urgency.' I started walking further out of the house, but was followed by Hisoka 'till the top of the stairs. He looked down on at me when I stopped at the bottom.

 _'You're withholding of information. And you're lying in favor of Killua. Why are you doing this?'_ Isn't that obvious?

'I don't know why all of you think I'm taking sides, I don't want a connection with either of you – I'm taking the best course of action for myself.'

_'Then why don't you just say Killua called you?'_

'Because he didn't.'

'How very interesting~.' Hisoka had walked down and started listening in a bit more closely, laying an arm loosely over my shoulder from behind, 'Why _are_ you lying for Killua-kun? Can't you keep our dear Chrollo away from yourself without his help?'

'Don't be ridiculous, I don't need his help.'

 _'Then what_ is _the reason for your lie?'_

'I will see you in four hours.' I hung up the phone, and handed it back to Hisoka before prying myself loose of him.

'Do you do it to protect Killua from him? How precious.' _Of course he had to link it back to that once again._ I responded a little agitated at that,

'You make it sound like I actually want to form a bond, Hisoka.'

'Well, I simply don't know how to phrase it any differently, Illumi-kun.'

* * *


	21. Monday 14th - What does he look like?

'You're really out of it, aren't you.' Gon pushed me by the shoulder, and almost off the bed before I had the chance to catch myself.

'I am not exactly happy with this situation.' I looked back at him and did my hardest to focus on an image of normal people having contact. Today we didn't start with going out, we'd been thrown in this privacy room, and I'd opted to think about the technical part of the mission, and not this one.

Yesterday had gone without a hitch. When getting hold of the center of Hisoka's eyes, it didn't take long to find out how to get information from there to my own computer. The trickiest part had still been leaving no trace of something missing from his system. I like hacking into systems, but I'm nowhere near Milluki's level yet.

Well, if I messed up I'll know soon enough, won't I? Either Hisoka protests against this and comes after me, he tells Illumi and lets him come after me, or he's okay with this and he'll let me know in some creepy way like he does. I'll probably learn of the results of my actions by the evening. That Hisoka actually wants me to know is my best guess though. He's had eyes everywhere from the beginning, and never even protested of me and Feitan meeting – even though he says he wants to keep us apart.

'Have we actually been placed in here so you can practice what you have to do with Illumi?' He tilted his head and looked at me as if that was the most normal situation we could possibly be in. I pouted back at him. I have no fucking clue how to tackle this.

'Is there anything you can teach me without us actually having to do that stuff..?' I leaned forward, a bit closer to Gon's face and gave him a hopeful look. But I was still only half there. The session this morning had been weird. Ever since Chrollo took more of a lead, his questions had gotten more shallow than anticipated. This was really suspicious, but the information I was giving him couldn't lead him anywhere harmful either, so I was really wondering what his plans and goals were.

'I can just explain in words, but I've already done that halfway over the phone. Are you sure that's enough?' His straight face was killing me,

'Are you actually saying you're gonna do this with me?!' I shouted in his face. 'Because I sure as hell am _not_ kissing you!' Gon burst out laughing, and fell back on the bed. Meanwhile my skin was finding out about new shades of red.

Illumi had been distracting during session. He hadn't said a word, but there'd been some kind of intent seeping out of him the entire time that I haven't been able to place just yet. Whatever it is, I'll find out with training tonight, won't I? I need to fucking focus on what's in front of me.

'Oy! That's enough laughing, you moron!' I slapped his head when he got back up, but laughed a little myself. This whole situation is moronic. 'Illumi won't let me practice with him, so I don't exactly know what to do!' He raised a hand to where I'd slapped him, and still looked back like there was nothing strange about any of this. _You are more adaptable to situations than I am, aren't you?_

'There's nothing to worry about, when we go out I'll just point you at random people and you make friendly contact like I told you. It doesn't have to go that far, you just have to learn how to look at someone without assessing if you need to kill them, right?' He lowered his hand again, and I looked away down at the bed. When it comes to simple things like this I'm completely clueless, aren't I? 'Do we have to stay here any longer? 'Cos it's bo~ring.' This would be a good time to discuss the plan with him some more, but somewhere I didn't want to. I don't want to hear him say no to it. I just want it to happen without him knowing what's happening, and blame it on my shrinks. On top of that, it's better if he doesn't know about it… it'll be easier to hide him.

'Hey!' He ticked my forehead when I looked back at him, and I gave him an offended push back. 'It's okay.' I gave him a quizzical look and cocked my head at that statement, waiting for him to continue. But I saw a familiar change in his expression, and my eyes slowly widened. 'Just make sure mom and Kito will be here as soon as you're out of this place. It'll get lonely otherwise.' I… I didn't know how to respond to that… 'There's no other way to save everyone, right? It'd be stupid of me if I'd say no.' _How…_ How can you be so… 'What's wrong? Is there a change in plans? I won't do it if you can't get mom and Kito here, y'know.' I looked down at this point, and let my hair cover my expression. You have to do all of this just because you're friends with me, but still you stick up for me and accept everything like it's nothing… How… how are you real..? 'You okay, Kil?' _No I'm not fucking okay, if I'd succeeded in the hit on your dad and you'd have found me, I wouldn't have any of this anymore. The thought is killing me._

'Yeah I'm fine, let's just get out of here. Maybe we can use the extra time for outside.' I felt him starting bouncing on the bed a little in anticipation. _I will make sure to be out of here as quickly as possible, I won't let you be alone, Gon._

* * *

'… …'

Currently I was killing the wall in front of me with my head, while Gon was standing right behind me, giving more of his well-intended advice. I need to man up, I need to be kind to people, I need to stop thinking of them as people I want or don't want to kill. _This was harder than anticipated…_

On top of that, the constant shadow of Illumi keeping an eye on us wasn't exactly making me any less nervous about any of this. Ultimately we still only get two hours outside, and an hour into it I wasn't any closer to becoming friendly with anyone.

'Let's try someone else next.' I didn't turn away from the wall when Gon spoke up.

'No-one will like me in this town, Gon, they all know who I am.'

'So? _I_ know who you are, doesn't stop me.' I stopped killing the wall in front of me and sighed deeply before turning around and look in the general direction of where Gon was pointing. No use in sulking over it, I need to get this done.

From the corner of my eye I saw Illumi react to the person Gon was unintentionally pointing at, and it piqued my interest. He knew the actual random person walking down the street to the extent that he reacted to it?

'Fine. I'll go.' I pocketed my hands, and turned on my heel, 'I'll go for the blonde one, 'lright?' When I got a nod, I started walking to the person currently window shopping at a bookstore. _Time to try this again…_

'Hey.' I stopped besides him, and looked up a little. _You're a guy, right?_ 'Interested in books?' He laughed a little before looking down at me.

'Actually I love them, how about you?' I smiled a little back at him,

'I like them, but I've been brought up to be practical, not necessarily book smart.'

'Oh? But they can be great for relaxation as well, can't they?'

'They can, but I never really have the time.'

'Busy with school?'

'And all kinds of other activities. I still like to browse though, want to go in?' I pointed my thumb at the door and looked up at him with the kindest smile I could muster. I was just glad someone finally responded positively to this. He didn't seem like a bastard either. But his reaction was off just before he responded, and his smile dropped a little,

'Don't bother kid, I know the one chaperoning you. You're a patient of his, aren't you?' I looked up a bit grouchy that it wasn't because of me that contact had succeeded, but also surprised that I was right that they apparently knew each other.

He looked back down at me and flashed me a smile before continuing.

'Is he forcing you to learn social skills so you can leave earlier?' If he knows I'm a patient, then he has to know my level of danger – but he's not caring about it. I shifted weight a little before responding.

'You recognize him but not me?'

'I know who you are, unfortunately for you it's impossible not to know.' _Yeah, that's kinda the problem here._ 'I also know of your profession, and with someone like you they're most probably not working on stopping you from doing it. They're just stabilizing you.'

'I figured as much.' How do you know about my profession though. 'But for myself I still need to learn how to approach someone.'

'You'll not have much luck here.' He looked back inside the window, _you don't have to tell me._ 'I don't approve of your profession, but if you want to know some more about either Hisoka or Illumi, you can follow me inside.' I was taken aback by that response. 'There's some things you need to know before you continue to cooperate with them.'

'Can I ask you something first?' I tilted my head, and he nodded, 'You know what I do for a living, but you don't seem impressed or threatened in the least, who are you?' He huffed amusedly before looking back down at me and answering,

'I'm Kurapika, a neighbor to Hisoka. You're Killua-kun, right?' _Neighbor to Hisoka?_ It was hard imagining someone like Hisoka having something as normal as a neighbor, but I played along for now. This guy has secrets up to his ears, but I can cross check any information he gives me with what I already know, and give the name through to my parents to check his credibility.

'Yeah, I am, nice to meet you.' I held out my hand, and he kindly shook it before laying a hand against my shoulder, and walking us both inside the shop. 'What do you have against them?'

'You know of Chrollo Lucilfer?' I nodded, 'What does he look like?' I glanced up at him, _what's everyone's obsession with this all of a sudden?_ The guy really is untraceable it seems. By now I'm really, really sure he's the most dangerous out of everyone at that institution.

'Why do you want to know?'

'We'll have to talk quickly before Illumi gets in here as well.'

'… Fine.' I used the same description I gave to everyone else that'd asked, and we stopped in the middle of the bookstore when he answered.

'Alright. Let me just tell you this. Chrollo is being possessive over Illumi, right?' I nodded. 'He's like this for a reason. Be careful when moving closer to Illumi. Also - and remember this well - no matter what he does, Hisoka is an ally. Use him. He should be amused enough by this situation to do so.' He was speaking in riddles to me about all of this. 'I also suggest giving up on triggering Illumi. It will drive him further away, and you don't want to do that.' I cocked my head and gave him a questioning look to all of this. 'That's all you need to know about them for now, but I suggest you keep digging.'

'What has Chrollo done to you in the past?'

'… …' I guessed right.

'Mah, as long as you're not getting your feelings mixed with advice meant for me, then it's alright. But you can't expect me to—' he stopped me from talking any more with a look. When I turned around, I saw both Illumi and Gon already standing there. Kurapika addressed my shrink.

'Illumi, I appreciate you and Hisoka stopping before midnight, but will you keep it down the next time.'

'That's impossible. But next time will be at my house either way.' It wasn't hard to see that Kurapika couldn't really get along with Illumi, but that was hardly of my concern. Gon was about to come my way again, but I was caught by surprise when someone else approached and talked to me first. _Did I look more harmless with Gon attached to me..?_

'Hey…' Either way, I'm finally getting some practice. Although it's not directly the practice I need, I'll trust Gon's judgment on this.

* * *

I hadn't expected running into the blonde while we were out, but it had little consequences for me either way. His grudges lay with Hisoka, not with me. I've also been told of his past, and the likelihood of this man involving himself in any matter of the institution is highly unlikely – so he'll be leaving Killua alone after this.

Attached to me after that was the boy I was going to take care of this Friday. I'd made it clear that he shouldn't cling to me, but the threat hadn't worked. While Killua had been talking to someone neither of us knew, he'd had the constant need to verbalize every one of his observations – things I was already seeing with my own eyes, so I hadn't seen the need for it.

In the end Gon had been able to relax Killua a lot more, and that was good for what the coming week was going to bring him.

'The Zoldycks will be here in just a minute.'

'I can read my watch, Hisoka.' I didn't even look up when he softly knocked on the open door to tell me this. He sounded amused again. I imagined he would be after yesterday. Although other kinds of triggers had happened, he'd enjoyed all of them, and had come out less scathed than expected. Broken bones heal abnormally fast with him either way.

'Have you been able to wrap everything up at your place last night?' Amused seemed to be an understatement, he was almost purring like a cat.

'Not a problem. Why are you here?' I looked and stood up when it was indeed time to meet with Killua's parents. This was an unusual situation – the last two times Chrollo took the lead on it, but apparently he's been giving the job to Zeno. He wants to keep away from everyone that's not me or Machi, it seems. Today these people had requested my presence in particular. Concerning this, they're not hard to read. They believe I'm the weakest link and they want to take me down first. Perhaps hoping I can give them information on Chrollo.

They're knocking on the wrong door if that's their goal.

'Just a social call.'

'You always have ulterior motive, and I don't have the time. Move out of the doorway.' I was slightly surprised when Hisoka actually did as I asked, but I stopped right next to him leaning against the doorframe when he casually held out a piece of paper in front of me.

'I'd read through this if I were you. Something very interesting is happening outside of your watchful gaze today.' I took the piece of paper from him, and he pushed himself away from the frame before turning around and walking the other way. I followed him with my eyes, and he raised his hand before he left with one last message, 'I'd read that before the meeting, it's a message from your dear patient.' He turned a corner afterwards, and I closed the door behind me before folding open the small message in my hands.

* * *

_"Pretend to get triggered today and make them think it's easier than it actually is._

_I need to know the other conditions to your triggers to not accidentally fulfill them._

_Tonight during training you will make sure I need to visit Machi."_

* * *

'What did you mean by this?'

'Isn't it obvious?' He looked away a little when he noticed the danger around me.

'It is, that's what makes me wonder about your intentions. You will not hear anything about the other conditions. I don't trust that you don't give this information to your parents one way or the other. Your sense on the importance of information is still too little in comparison to that of your parents.' I lowered the hand holding up the note, and he took it over from me to shred it to pieces. 'You're getting closer to Machi to get new information on Chrollo? You think it will be that easy?' I inclined my head and leaned my shoulder against the doorframe to his room. He looked back up at me with a kind of determination I hadn't seen before with him. Machi may not like everything Chrollo does, but she will never give information on him.

'How did the meeting with my parents go?'

'Are you curious for results in the plan you're making?' I narrowed my eyes a little at the arrogance hiding beneath the harmless question. 'Your parents tried to verbally drive me into a corner, but they didn't succeed in doing so. As for the physical test you warned about, it was non-existent. They shook my hand upon coming and leaving, that's it. Does that satisfy your need for information?' Killua is still only aware of the physical condition to the trigger, it was all his parents had to go on. Assassins in general don't interest me enough to cause anything; nothing the Zoldycks did today had caught me off-guard.

I could see that Killua was dissatisfied with these results, that there was still a lot about me that he was unaware of. He – like almost anyone – is uncomfortable with this lack of information.

So he changed the subject back.

'So are you going to help me get information from Machi or not? 'Cos I know you don't like Chrollo either.'

'Liking or not isn't the point, you know this. You're helping me keeping him at a distance because he's least likely to help you with all the plans you have inside your head. You think I'll help you then?'

'You're training me, aren't you. You're also letting me voluntarily "trigger" you next Monday. It's obvious you're not on my parents' side.' I raised an eyebrow and had to admit that this was true.

'You're mixing up your motivations. I'm training you because I'm interested in your strength and it won't impede getting you out of here. I'm letting you "trigger" me next Monday because you'd be harder to handle if your parents think you're falling short.' There was a short silence, but none of the regular irritation I'd usually get from him if I refuted him. He was most probably in the same mindset as when preparing for a hit – being swayed by one thing or the other will not exist for him anymore until his "job" is done. I've seen this before with assassins. I've seen it this afternoon with the Zoldycks as well – although better hidden.

'Mah, none of this matters. You're not hiding Gon here either way, and I'm just here for training. Let's go.'

'Come inside for a second.' I'd already turned around and was ready to walk to the court, but I looked back down at him when he took hold of the door,

'You're giving me an order? Don't be ridiculous. I have a lot to do, amusing you is not one of my tasks. If you have something to say, I will hear it during training.' I turned to walk away once again, but this time he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me back in the room. When he simultaneously wanted to slam the door closed, I stopped myself and put my hand against the door – keeping it open. My first instinct was to get rid of the offending arm, but looking down at him I decided not to.

Although it was good if he was determined, all the relaxation he'd had when Gon was present was gone. Is he going to snap the moment he finds out I've taken over his task?

'Is there a reason you're provoking me? Do you want to train right here? I don't think the cleaners will like that. But I will down you in one strike if you don't let go.' I snaked the fingers of my captured hand a little, and knew it would only take a split second to accomplish this. I let him feel a small amount of fear – but it didn't seem to affect him.

'I'm only doing this because of you.' Although the words made sense, hearing something like that from him was strange.

Stranger than that was that he continued his provocation and pulled my arm down with a force. I countered this and twisted free from his grip, taking hold of his arm instead and turning him face down to the ground before I sat down with my legs on either side of him; pinning his free arm under my knee.

'Training will be cancelled, and I will put you to sleep right now.' I raised my free hand to make it so, but was halted when he twisted both his arm and his wrist almost out of their sockets to free himself – he wouldn't have succeeded if I hadn't let go to make sure his bones wouldn't break though. He turned his upper body a little, and raised that partially dislocated hand to pull me down by my hair and kiss me. I was caught off-guard, but not so much as that I knew to kick the door closed behind me. No matter the surveillance cameras everywhere, there were enough curious eyes in this place that would jump on making my life more troublesome if they'd see this.

When ignoring all of that, Killua had made a surprising amount of effort to make this kiss happen now, when he also could've tried it after training. This was a test, wasn't it. I said I wasn't going to tell him other conditions to my trigger, so now he was most probably following up on a hunch he's previously had.

I wanted to pull away and retort to this before putting him in an unconscious state after all, but I let go when he started dislocating his still captured hand under my knee. He turned over completely and relocated both his hands behind my head to keep me locked. Forcing him now in any way will result in breaking bones. What will the consequences of this be?

…Chrollo will most certainly have a new excuse to get me off the case. If I physically hurt Killua outside of training or supervision, Zeno will definitely pull me away. I have attacked too many times without reason already.

As soon as Killua gripped tighter, I set my elbows next to his head and made sure his shoulders were on the ground before continuing. I checked if those were still in their sockets first - which they were. Next I tried to use a pressure point on his arm to release his grip and untangle him from me, but he barely reacted to it. I tried another to get him unconscious, but I could feel slight muscle movements countering the pressure – just enough to keep him conscious. I returned my focus to what the boy was doing though, when he started licking my lips a little. I had underestimated his physical resistance when in the mindset of a mission. I can't have him dominating this moment, I need to make him unconscious right away.

… …

He bit on my lip before I had the chance to properly place my hand for a more forceful move, and with it catching me off-guard once again. That he did this twice was more of a bad thing for triggering me than anything else. _Then we're turning this into a test for me as well._

I set my arm back down next to him, and lowered my head so he could rest his on the ground. I parted my lips a little bit and took the lead in finding his tongue with mine. There was a small reaction from him when this happened, but the grip on my hair didn't diminish – impressive with his wrists like this. If I survive this, I will also have proven that interest or domination are no conditions for me.

I spread my knees a little to lower my lower body, and could hear his heart rate increasing – he was forcing himself more than his body could handle. I inclined my head the other way, but other than his heartbeat that he was doing his best to subdue, he wasn't acting hesitant in any way. For an assassin his age he had an unusual amount of control over his body if needed be. Well, he already proved that during our training, didn't he.

He obviously wanted to be tested now already – before the end of the week. Well, if that's the case, then we need to move on from something he's already known with.

I let my lips glide away from his, and found my way to his ear. I licked and kissed beneath it, and finally felt his grip loosen a bit. His breathing remained even, but I wasn't surprised by that, he's been trained to keep it that way. I set my teeth in his flesh a little before I noticed there was most probably just one thing left that would make him anxious.

I lay one hand on his chest, and slowly let it slide down. I got his teeth in my ear just before I reached my destination, and stopped. His hands finally let go, and I sat back up. I took one of his hands in mine, and felt it out a little before setting it back to how it belonged. He didn't flinch. I repeated the motions with his other hand which took a little more time; he will still need to go to Machi for this. However, these wounds are self-inflicted; Zeno will not pull me away for it.

'I will not give away any signs to the other conditions, and you still have until Sunday before I'll test you. I suggest getting used to be touched there before then. Because no sexual assault charge would stand without that being touched, and your parents will be dissatisfied.' I let go of his hand and stepped away before he started testing his wrists for movement again. 'Training is hereby canceled, but I don't think you expected otherwise. Also, if you're like this, I take it you're going to say no to surgery?' I cocked my head and watched as he stood back up himself.

'I will not say yes as long as Gon or his family is in danger.' I raised my eyebrow a little. This was a motivation for himself, not for me – I had no obligation to go through with surgery, after all.

'Your choice.' I raised my hand palm up, 'I suggest not to assault me like that again though, I can't guarantee the results next time.' I lowered my hand again and walked out the door when he didn't physically react. As soon as I was back to my own office though, I had to admit that I'd barely prevented a trigger from happening. I need to work harder on seeing through Killua again before he becomes too interesting.

'I get this notion you only allow yourself to use the logic that is favorable to you - it will break you.'

'… Get out of my office Hisoka, I can easily contain this.' I shifted my eyes to the couch when I passed it, and his grin widened. He licked his lips at the prospect of seeing me break, apparently. More likely the things he can do to me if I would,

'Hm~ just be careful next week, Chrollo's interest is starting to rise, isn't it?'

'Not even early this morning had he been able to keep his complaint standing without making it personal. And he still has to abide by the rules set out, he will not get close. And I am always perceptive of unusual changes, so you don't have to warn me for that.'

'Oh? Then I'll take my leave with everything Kurapika's called about.' He simply stood up and raised his hand casually in goodbye when walking out the door. Did Kurapika have information on Chrollo that I didn't know about? I can't have that.


	22. Monday 14th & Tuesday 15th - Control

'You guys are idiots.' I gave her an angry pout which she ignored while looking at the scans. With "you guys" I figured Machi meant me, my two shrinks and Hisoka. But she could mean pretty much everyone here… 'You obviously did this to yourself. Why would you be so stupid to do this, and be glad Illumi put it back pretty well. It will keep the swelling at a minimum.' She turned back to me at that point, and pulled my arm closer – almost pulling me off the bed. I held back the urge to protest to this the moment she started feeling over the bones. 'At least you're sane enough to at least let it be treated this time.'

'Will it be alright tomorrow?'

'Alright to do what exactly?' I flinched when she pressed hard on my wrist to pop one of the bones back further, 'To repeat this? I'm not treating you twice for the same injury, remember that.' I refrained from reacting when she repeated the motion on a different spot. She reminds me a lot of the emergency doctor we have, concerning roughness of treatment – that guy doesn't talk back as much though.

'Fine, I will just break a bone or something.' She looked up angrily at me and was even more rough-handed when she put the last bone back into place.

'You idiots need to stop destroying your bodies. But the day that happens will be the day the world ends, won't it.' She grabbed hold of my other hand and felt over it a little before looking back at the scans again.

'I have strict training for a reason.'

'Yeah, yeah, so you won't get killed. I've heard it often enough. I'm not getting paid nearly enough to patch up this idiocy.' She turned her attention back to my arm, and starting feeling a bit higher than my wrist.

'Did you get paid more before you were admitted here?' She stopped for a second to look me in the eyes. Her expression changed back to moody as soon as she realized.

'Hisoka talks too much. And your body is a mess, this hasn't grown back properly. It'll be better if I re-break it.' She stepped away and wanted to get ready to do this, but I started protesting,

'Oy! You're not re-breaking anything!' I stepped up off the bed, but she just kept walking to the other room for equipment. 'You can fix anything you want, but not before next week!' It left my mouth before I realized, but seeing her standing there ready to break my arm, I didn't have any excuse left but the truth. I very vividly remember my last visit here, and I'd rather leave with less injuries than I came in here with,

She lay a hand on her hip annoyed, and gave me an incredulous look. Like she was supposed to listen to that. I carefully moved my fingers – I knew this look of hers, this was tricky…

'I…' _I can't "frame" Illumi or save Gon with just one arm,_ 'I need to take care of something first with Gon. Once he's gone next week, you can re-break it.' She sighed and hung her head for a second before turning around to put her equipment away. _Dodged that bullet_.

' _Fine_. As soon as Gon's gone, your arm will be mine. Have you decided yet when the surgery's gonna be?' I sat down again when she took hold of my arm. For now it would be better to make as if it's going to happen, isn't it. I can get more information on Illumi if I do.

'If it's possible for Illumi, it's gonna be Saturday.'

'Fine, I'll keep it open.' I had no time to react when she pressed my arm together with a force that almost _did_ break it, and I pulled it back as soon as I was able to – taking some more distance while I was at it.

'You crazy b-!'

'You finish that word and I'll make sure to break it after all!' She nearly yelled at me, and I kept eyes on her from the other side of the bed while I felt over my arm. There was going to be a hell of a bruising, but it felt… better..? If it wasn't for her attitude, I'd recommend her to my parents.

I gave her a suspicious look just before she continued,

'That's right. I'm a little above Illumi's skill concerning anything not the brain.' She put a hand on her hip again and leaned my way when ticking the side of her head. 'Or don't you know about that yet? I can hardly believe Hisoka'd be able to keep his mouth shut about it.' I walked back around the bed, warily, when she got an icepack and threw it my way. I kept my distance though.

'He's really the best choice?'

'With all the experimenting he's doing at his home, he better be.' _He's a practicing Deliverer? How does that work while being employed here?_ I'm starting to get my doubts about his intentions towards me then. Those fucking Deliverers always try to use us whenever they can. Even when we deliver their patients, they look for opportunities to backstab us. You could've told me this while researching the surveillance footage, dad. _But that leaves Hisoka as the only reliable ally, doesn't it? Oh hell no… I don't care what you said Kurapika, nothing proves to me that that creep can be trusted._

'What are the chances he'll do something I haven't asked for?'

'If you're doubting him, I wouldn't let him in my brain in the first place, come here.' With a small gesture she motioned me to step closer, and once I got in range again, she took hold of my hand once more. 'He's good at what he does. You should know, being an Assassin.' She stopped after popping another bone back better to ask, 'I suppose we won't know how many you've killed until after the surgery, won't we?' I drew my brows together when she asked. How many people were in on this stupid bet? I decided to humor them though, and raised my already treated arm behind my head before answering a bit more relaxed,

'I don't know what you're talking about, I don't kill people. Are you sure you didn't mean to ask something else?' Her eyes told me it clicked, and she rephrased,

'Well, how many people have you been friendly with then.' I put on a sly grin for a second,

'If none of you've guessed correctly, the money goes to me.' She gave me a nasty glance before complying. 'I've been friendly with 93 people up until now.'

' _Tch._ ' Judging from that reaction, she hadn't won.

'What? Have I killed more than your precious Chrollo?' I expected some nails in my skin for saying it so bluntly, but instead she just coldly continued what she was doing. Normally I'd say it was impressive how she kept calm, but this was deviant behavior for her. It wasn't like it was still a question if they were intimate after what I saw last night. _But why are you the only one._

'There, you can go kill yourself now for all I care, saves me a lot of time.' She gave my hand back and I moved it carefully. Of course it was still sore, but I can live with this. I've continued training with worse. By tomorrow Illumi will agree to train again.

'Thanks, you can go die in a ditch as well.' I threw the icepack back at her. Unfortunately she is useless to me, unless my parents or Milluki can find something exploitable on her; Machi will not confess to anything. I'll just stick to what I see with Hisoka's eyes.

I pocketed both hands and walked out of the infirmary. Well, I'm not getting the money, so I wonder who guessed correctly.

'Got hurt while training?' I turned my head when I saw Chrollo standing just around the corner. Without thinking about it, I just raised my hands and answered,

'Dislocations in my wrists, I was being too fanatical.' I pocketed them again the second after and walked away giving him a bored look. I didn't hear him move though, and he spoke up again just before I disappeared around the corner.

'I'll tell Illumi to be more careful next time.' I stopped and turned my head to answer this, I can't have Chrollo interfering with Illumi,

'Why would you, I was training on my own.'

'Is that why you have a hickey just below your ear?' Although I was surprised by this, I did my best in trying to ignore that feeling and not raise my hand to the spot. _Goddamnit Illumi, what's the big idea?!_

'Well I had to practice with Gon, didn't I?' He merely smiled back at me when I responded with that. Illumi's reports about my contact with Gon completely null-and-void that statement – I would never do this with my only friend.

'What're you here for this time?' I heard Machi's short-tempered voice, and waited a bit longer to observe the contact.

'Just a social call, do you have the time?'

'… …' She got completely quiet, just staring up at him. _What was she seeing_.

'I can come back later if…'

'No it's alright, I'm free for now. You won the bet, by the way.' She turned around and walked back inside. _Chrollo had guessed the exact amount I have killed?_

'Well, lucky guess it seems.' The look he gave me before disappearing into the infirmary was unnerving. It was as if it wasn't a guess at all. But the only ones with that information should be my family. For now I'll write it off as a guess, I can't use the extra pressure. I need to check up on Hisoka's eyes now that I'm still allowed my laptop.

* * *

'You _do_ have a dog.' It was five in the morning, and Killua had just walked in the sleeping room of this place. He stood next to my bed, with an excited Phinks asking for his attention. I sat up and leaned an arm on my knee; looking at the scene, and looking around at Hisoka sleeping two beds away.

'It's Hisoka's dog.' Although he seems to like everyone _but_ his owner. 'What are you doing here?' I didn't bother to lower the volume, the only other one staying the night here was just pretending to sleep at this point.

'Can we practice now?' I cocked my head before answering,

'We'll train tonight, why would you think I'd do this now? I have my other patient later today. Unless your family has infiltrated this institution, you're going to leave me alone until seven tonight.' I turned my head back upright when I didn't get a clear response at first, and he seemed to be petting Phinks absentmindedly. 'You standing there will not stop me from going back to sleep. You can stay, you can leave, do whatever you like.' That he'd entered here without permission at this hour was a strange risk he was taking. What was he trying to accomplish?

When the answer didn't come within a couple of seconds, I simply turned around and lay back down. I can discern threat from safety, and Killua was no threat at this point.

'Curiosity is another condition for a trigger for you, isn't it? I take it someone like you would've already worked on fixing that if it was possible – so you have a brain defect. How come you work here with something like—' He knew how to catch my intention, but I didn't sit up.

'What makes you think curiosity is a condition?' I heard some rustling before he spoke up again. In front of me I saw Hisoka leaning up on his elbow and observing the scene,

'I have proof right here, that Chrollo spotted but you didn't. You were in a partial trigger, and up until now every time you had it with me you got the same look in your eyes. It wasn't hard to discern.' When Hisoka nudged with his eyes that I should take a look at it, I sat up once again and leaned back on an arm – taking note of the place he was pointing out.

'Ah, my apologies for that.' I can't deny his words anymore if I've done that. 'But I'm still not training you at this hour.' I looked back up in his eyes when he lowered his arm again.

'The only reason you're working here is because the head of the institution favors you. I take it somehow your history as a Deliverer has caused the defect to be linked to curiosity towards intellect and touch.' I heard an amused chuckle behind me, but ignored it,

'I know of my condition, why are you using this as an excuse to get me out of bed?'

'You should be using excuses to get into his bed.' Hisoka didn't even try to whisper that, and he got an annoyed look from the both of us for that one. He just liked the attention though,

'I can't have you triggering for real when visiting my parents, so I need to be transparent, right? Well here you go.' He shifted weight to his other leg and took a more relaxed stance. It hadn't gone unnoticed to me that he was unseeable to cameras at this point – or that he was concealing his presence again. His reasoning still didn't add up to wanting to train, though.

'Thank you.' I lay back down on my back and closed my eyes.

'I need more marks on me than just this one.'

'Why do you need that.' I heard Hisoka laugh shortly again,

'Chrollo wants to keep us apart so he can claim you. For some reason he thinks I'll get in the way of that. If I have extra marks on me, I'll attract his attention. He can't get near you at this point, so it'll give you the space to find out more about him.'

'That sounds like a decent plan.' The redhead to my left responded, 'How do you know Chrollo doesn't have a plan either way?'

'He needs Machi for that plan. I'm getting informed on her soon, and I'll know how to deal with her then.'

'Hm~, sounds like you've got it all figured out.' There were a lot of variables in this plan; but looking at the situation, a risk most probably needed to be taken. Chrollo is not someone you can get off your case by playing it safe.

'Alright. I don't need him sticking to me, I'll go along in this. It'll indeed be easier to lure him out with this.' _Killua will be victim to all of Chrollo's attention though_. Sitting up this time, I swung my legs off the bed, and stood up in front of him. If this was going to be done, then it would be done outside of camera vision. 'I'll keep it on your neck so you can keep it hidden with your clothes.' I slid a hand along his neck and into his hair a little before bending down. He didn't need to, but he still lifted his hands and snuck them under my sleepshirt to find some bare skin. Right now he was right in assuming there was no chance for a trigger,

'I do think I like this show live a lot more.' I heard from behind me, but didn't let it distract me when I let my lips connect to a piece of clear skin, and repeated what I'd done last night. 'Ah~ you did mean _this_ kind of practice.' My lips left his skin when Hisoka said this, and realized Killua had indeed said nothing about the nature of the practice. I whispered next to his ear,

'Do you want to try more than this right now? I suggest trying at least a couple more times before –'

'… …' There was a very intent silence coming from Killua, but didn't let it stop me, and placed another mark right below the first one. This one was different, I was starting to feel his presence, and his skin started heating up. 'Just… some more on the other side, that'll be enough.' I stood back up straight when he said this, but he didn't let go of my waist, even when I started talking. I moved the loose braid in my hair back behind me again.

'But you mentioned training. Should I send Hisoka away? You're not the only one who's bothered by him.'

'Such cruel words.' I ignored the redhead, and looked down at the white haired boy, waiting for an answer.

'Well, I need to get used to eyes on me while it happens, don't I? So it's no use sending him away.' His skin heated up even more. I could see why he would need to practice, he's still too bashful under any of it. 'Let's just do it.'

'Alright.' This would only take minutes. Now that I was awake, this was a lot less trouble than physical training. I sat down on my knees, and he moved in closer. I noticed the bruising still apparent on his wrists, so I steered clear of that.

He nudged my head back up with a finger, and slowly locked lips with mine. He has gotten a lot of determination since last week. He is definitely aiming to "kill" Gon next Monday. I raised my hands to the sides of his legs and let them find their way up to his bare waist under his shirt. His hands held on tight to control the movement of my head, and repeated what I'd done yesterday. His lips landed just below my ear, and his fingertips glided down my neck over my shoulders and down my arms a little. I could feel his face was bright red.

Taking it further though, I didn't keep my hands in one place, and moved them over his butt. I felt a small gasp escape him against my now wet skin, but didn't stop and moved one hand to the front of his hip,

'I see our little adventures haven't beaten the soft touch out of you.' Hisoka had moved in closer, and I felt Killua retreating a little when he noticed this as well.

'Go back to sleep, Hisoka.' He chuckled shortly before stepping away again. I turned my attention back to the boy in front of me when he stepped away right after I'd just made contact. I cocked my head at his bashfulness about this. 'Will you perform better during the session at your house, because it _will_ have to be touched then.' There was hesitation in his actions right now, and he avoided eye contact – but he did step back. He lay his arms around my shoulders a little, and exhaled deeply. I took this as a sign it was alright to continue, and let my hand slide from the side of his hip to over his crotch. I slowly turned my hand around at that point to cup him, but he did retreat permanently after that. He was out of the room before there was time to do anything else. I could feel the amusement behind me,

'Thank you so much for the live show.'

'Go back to sleep Hisoka, you have patients tomorrow as well.'

'Understood.' I heard him rustling, and I lay back down under the blankets for the remaining hours of sleep. Silence soon fell back over the room, but Hisoka still decided to comment, 'He's quite perceptive when he needs to be, doesn't he.'

'… …' I didn't dignify it with an answer. He was simply expressing his admiration.

'He's giving you so much trust, there's so much that can go wrong because of that, it's exhilarating. Either he doesn't trust you at all and all of this is simply to frame you after all, or he really does trust you and just think of how devastated he'll be after you "kill" Gon this Friday. Or perhaps it's a mix of both, I can't wait to see.'

'If you need to jack off, please do so in the bathroom and not in the bed.' He laughed a little louder when I said that, but did get off the bed a couple seconds later. He paused at my bed and leaned over me a little to whisper,

'I think you two'll be able to put on a beautiful play next Monday, so don't mind if I do.' I was too late in extending my hand to his throat, and he stalked off. In the end Hisoka hadn't told me anything Kurapika had warned him about, and I had to trust his word that I didn't need to know.

Trusting the redhead on his word is something I have a problem with.

* * *

 _Slipping out in the middle of the night to make out with my shrink isn't exactly something I've had on my to-do list._ This is a whole lot different from training I've had up until now. The only thing overlapping was that I was pushing myself to break new mental limits. It was bothering me that I wouldn't be able to use this in the future, because this is more the work of a spy, not an Assassin. The only thing driving me was actually getting Gon out of the mess I've created.

'If you think you're going to break your wrists, you need to say so. I can't keep minding you if you expect me to fully train you.' I gave Illumi a slight nod before reverting back to a fighting stance,

'They won't break, but it's better if I focus on my legs for now.'

'If they won't break, then we'll just continue what we've been doing.' I nodded again; training with Illumi is eerily similar to training at home. At the very least I'm used to this kind of physical punishment. Progress is going slowly, but it's there – that's all I need.

Illumi stood back in a fighting stance as well, waiting for me to attack. The punch to his right side was painfully slow, but I diverted direction with a force, and Illumi caught it without a problem.

'You have to focus more on redirecting in one specific direction; right now a lot of force is lost because you contract too many muscles. I told you to train on this.' I retreated my arm and responded,

'I'll work harder on it.' He nodded and turned his back to find some space for himself to train. Now and again he finds his way towards me and tests my progress. He'll give one tip or the other, and the rest I have to figure out by watching him. I'm starting to understand his movements, but I'm still a far cry from actually repeating or countering any of it. He said that catching and diverting a killing blow like mine has the same kind of trick to it, but he's not training me on that until I've gained some more mastery over this. If he's saying it's not yet time for that, then I listen. If anything, I trust his fighting skills.

I'm called a genius, but truth is that I'm only 50% genius, and 50% having been raised with nothing but martial arts. I would be ashamed of myself if I wouldn't be able to keep up with this training. I work my ass off as soon as I have a clear set goal – that's the only talent I've ever heard recognized by my dad, and I agree with him.

I've had to change the footage looping on Hisoka's eyes this morning so he wouldn't be suspicious of the dealings last night not showing, by the way. Because of that I'll have to change them tonight once again. It's better if he's not present during my dealings with Illumi, saves me a lot of trouble. I'm still 90% sure he's just amusing me by not mentioning it, but as long as I'm not sure I'm not risking anything.

I'm keeping everything I see on there to myself though. Illumi is right, mom and dad probably see a lot more in the information I give them than I'm aware of – I can't have this. I'll just keep them updated on the progress I'm making with framing him. _Monday is going to be a busy day._

After watching Illumi's moves for a while, I focused back on my own practice. I sighed deeply and closed my eyes before deciding to focus on the blood flow and separate muscle movements. I don't need to make a movement, I just need to isolate the different muscles. When I'm able to do this, it will benefit my other training as well.

_Breathe in, breathe out, work from the hand up to the shoulder…_

There was a peace and quiet that entered me when I was training that made me love it – no matter the severity. There's nothing else,

'How's your training going?' So I wasn't too happy when I heard Hisoka enter the silence.

'Well enough, go away.' I opened my eyes again, but didn't turn around towards him. Instead I held my hand out in front of me and visualized all the tendons and muscles underneath the flesh. _Machi had done a good job in putting it back in place._

'I would cover your neck a little better if you don't want to attract Zeno's attention.' A shiver went up and down my spine when his finger glided along a bare part of my neck. I stepped away in response and pulled the collar up forcefully – mostly to keep Hisoka away from it though.

'Are you keeping me from my training for a reason?' I was answering him, but my mind was still mostly focused on improving what I was doing.

'My, you're sounding more like Illumi by the day.' I refocused some more towards him, 'For a Death's Deliverer, he's a good role model for an Assassin like you, isn't he?' I narrowed my eyes some more at him. No matter what I answer with, he'll have a response ready that will throw me off; I'll just listen. He raised his chin up a little, and the smirk on his face increased – he was here specifically to throw me off, wasn't he, 'You have a sharp eye, but you're missing one obvious thing. Do you want to know what it is?'

If I wouldn't say no, he would just answer, so I kept quiet. He inclined his head a little and raised his hand palm up to make his statement. 'I can't possibly get it through Illumi's head, but perhaps you'll listen when I say this.' He turned and hung his hand, 'Illumi doesn't want contact, you know this. So why is Chrollo intent on keeping you away from him?' When there wasn't a response within a couple of seconds, he simply turned on his heel and walked away. I followed him with my eyes until he was out of my sight. I want to write off what he meant to Chrollo overreacting – but nothing he's ever done says that he's even near capable of overreacting. Apparently he sees a very real threat.

I should heed Kurapika's words in steering clear of provoking Chrollo, but doing it this way gives easy access to getting some control over him – so threat or not, I will use this weakness of his.


	23. Thursday 17th - Intermezzo

**Calm before the storm/Intermezzo**

_'How's the preparation going for tonight?'_

_'It will go without a problem.' For whatever reason, Chrollo had shown up at my door again, without anyone to supervise. I was not about to indulge him any details, so I just left him standing in the door opening._

_'You're not telling the plan?'_

_'You never expected me to, why are you here?'_

* * *

I couldn't tell for certain... somewhere, something seemed off about the way any of these shrinks were behaving, but behaving off is kinda normal for them… should I trust my instinct on this?

Chrollo seems to be trying to persuade me it's better to stay away from Illumi, Hisoka seems to want me closer – which actually confirms Kurapika's words – and Illumi himself seems more busy than anything else. I have this gut feeling that Hisoka's the only who knows the entire story to this, but if possible I'm not going near him.

I pushed myself away from the wall and started lazily walking around the room. For some reason it was called through the speaker in my room that I had a phone call pending, and that I should wait here. It couldn't be my dad, he called in earlier today, so my only other option would be Gon. Although he said he had a busy day… perhaps now that it's past 9pm he's found some time again… It's been five minutes since I was called here though, and no-one's approached me. I should just go and ask what's going on.

I wandered out and walked up to the reception to annoy the desk lady, but was stopped in my words when I saw Kurapika standing there,

'Why can't I just talk to him, I've come all the way here, I'm not using a phone!' He was a bit later in noticing me though,

'And I'm telling you, his visiting day is on Monday, and only his family and Gon are allowed! If you want to talk with him you have to—' The desk lady stopped talking and sighed exasperated when she saw me standing there. I grinned up at her wickedly before she started commanding me. 'Killua get back in that room, I swear to god!'

'Isn't it alright if I'm supervised? You could call either of my shrinks.' She was about to pop a vein on her forehead before she let out a deep, frustrated breath and pushed the buttons to either call Illumi or Chrollo here. While waiting, I looked up at the blonde, and I got a smile back. He was carrying some kind of bag with him, but I don't think he's stupid enough to think that he can give me something. Why is he here? What does he have to do with this situation?

I tried to speak up, but as soon as sound left my throat, I got shushed. Kurapika laughed at the whole situation when I tried again, but nearly got a death threat. _Your laugh is open and honest, how are you involved with these people here and still alive?_

'Kurapika, what a nice surprise.' I heard the sneaky voice appear from behind me after a couple of minutes. I watched as Phinks bypassed his master, and came to greet the blonde. For now, Kurapika kept his attention on the redhead behind me though, and only gave the dog a short pat on the head.

'Are you allowed to supervise? You're not his shrink, are you?'

'Don't worry. For something as insignificant as this, Illumi-kun has given his permission for me to be a substitute. Both him and Chrollo are very busy at the moment.' Kurapika narrowed his eyes at the man now standing next to me, and I could sense his amusement. At that point I decided to get a move on with this though,

'Let's just go to your office or something.'

'Oh no, you're not setting a foot further in this institution, you will all talk in the phone room.' The desk lady pointed behind her in the general direction, and I stuck my tongue out at her before Hisoka led the way. Kurapika had to leave his bag behind for this, and closed the door behind him when he and Phinks came in last. My non-shrink sat down in a chair in the corner, and Kurapika placed himself in front of me at the table. He breathed out to relax some more before he spoke up,

'How are you doing in here?'

'Well enough, are you here for small-talk?' I inclined my head and raised a brow,

'Well, no. But I wanted to start a little more lighthearted before getting down to business. I don't know if you've already researched on Machi, or that your parents have done this for you, but I suggest to not dig too deep into that either. If Chrollo feels one of his friends is threatened, he will retaliate harder than if he feels threatened himself.'

'Then how am I supposed to find out how to get him out of my way? 'Cos bringing him closer to Illumi was a bad idea as well, and me getting closer to Illumi was dangerous. So what do you expect me to do?'

'Pre tell, Kurapika~.' He gave Hisoka a dangerous look before looking back at me,

'One,' he raised his finger with his hands still on the table, 'I can tell by your neck that you're trying to attract Chrollo's attention away from Illumi so he has freedom to investigate, but this is a bad idea. You can't handle Chrollo, believe me.' I glared at him when he said it like that, 'Two, stay away from Machi like I told you just now.' Another finger raised, 'Three, although I hate to say it…' He breathed in and closed his eyes before continuing, '…that man in the corner is actually the pawn you should use. You've already said you're amused enough to play along, have you done _any_ thing I've asked of you?' During the second part he opened his eyes towards the redhead, and gave him a threatening look.

'Don't worry, it's going well enough.'

'Apparently not, seeing as Killua's neck is practically a complete hickey.' Involuntarily I started blushing at the reminiscence of this happening.

'Ah~, but you told me to encourage them to get closer, so I didn't interrupt.' The pleasure dripping from his words was too much for Kurapika to handle,

' _Not_ at the expense of Chrollo finding out about it!' He raised his voice a little, but all Hisoka reacted with was an amused chuckle. Giving up on him, Kurapika looked back at me, 'I'm sorry that this man's your only hope, but trust me on this.' His words made sense, but his motivations were invisible, and that bothered me,

'Only hope for what? Why are you helping me and what are you helping me with? I've only met you once, and that was just a couple of minutes. I don't really have a reason to trust you, do I?' _Other than that you_ seem _to be a better person than any of these guys here; but you might as well just be better at hiding your intentions than Chrollo._ I can trust one thing though, your main goal is to get rid of that man.

'I know you've been trained not to trust anyone, but at this point I'm sure there is some kind of plan to get out of here?' I nodded slowly, 'To succeed in this plan, is it more convenient to be close to Illumi or Chrollo?' I didn't answer; Kurapika had made his point that I was going for Illumi either way, 'Then it's best to only let Hisoka worry about keeping Chrollo and Illumi apart. As long as he actually _does_ something of course.' I snorted at that little outburst, and pushed my chair onto its back legs, rocking back and forth a little. The annoyance coming from Kurapika was amusing to watch. It was clear that there wasn't really bad blood in between them, he just generally disliked knowing the guy.

'Mah, I'll just be less obvious about getting closer to Illumi then, if you can tell me why Chrollo being possessive over Illumi is so dangerous.' I asked a bit off-handed. Kurapika gave me a contemplating look for a while before answering,

'You've noticed that he's a ghost?' I nodded, there's no information on him anywhere. 'There's a good reason for that, just remember that.' _We're ghosts as well, but we still have regular lives as cover. If Chrollo really is so dangerous that he "can't" exist, then I'll heed his words for now._

'Any tips on getting closer to Illumi then?' I raised my hands behind my head, 'Because I can explain to him why it's needed, but even if he would comply, the guy's unable to make connections.'

'How did you get so far to make him do this?' Pointing his finger up at my mostly covered neck.

'Ah, I need to let my parents think I'm framing him, so I can discredit him and get him off my case. But he knows I'm only gonna pretend, because I need him to keep Gon hidden here when I "kill" him.' He narrowed his eyes when he let this plan sink in for a second,

'It's a mission then, that gets him closer.'

'So very close~.' Hisoka cooed from the background, and even I gave him a dirty look when he said it like that.

'I'm guessing there's no other mission to give you the excuse to get close like this again, so I'll tell you one thing I know about him that'll help you.' I stopped rocking my chair when he said this, and opened my ears completely.

'He gets trained by Illumi-kun as well.' But Kurapika was stopped when Hisoka opened his mouth. Looking back, I saw a large grin across his face.

'You get trained by him?' Kurapika directed back at me, to which I nodded. He seemed to contemplate something before continuing, 'Mah, then it's alright. If you can get yourself in good graces like that, then there's nothing else there needs to be done.' _Well that doesn't make me curious at all._ I watched him stand up and walk to the door with Phinks following him.

'And how are _you_ doing?' He stopped short of opening the door, and laughed a moment before turning back around at the sound of my question,

'I'm doing great lately, thanks for asking.'

'You look like you're great with animals, you should get a dog for yourself.'

'Thank you for the kind words, but unfortunately I don't have the time for that.'

'Too bad.'

'See you again sometimes.' I waved and smiled back when he left the room, and I was left alone with Hisoka and Phinks.

'Hm~ seems like Gon has done a good job in educating you to socialize.' I leaned my head back to see Hisoka standing near the back wall.

'Have I _ever_ shown signs that I'm a bad student?' He shrugged his shoulders a little, but didn't really respond and I looked back out in front of me. Kurapika's not a bad person, he seems more like someone who's had bad things happen to him than anything else.

All of this could've easily been talked over by the phone, by the way. He probably has something to give to Hisoka.

'Why are you the only one who knows everything?'

'Matter of circumstances at a certain point in time.' I raised my brow when I didn't hear him trying to play another game, and gave a – for him – straight answer.

'You're going to keep Chrollo away from us then?' He let out a pleased noise before responding,

'So much trust in Kurapika's words that I'll protect _you two_.' My brow went down to meet the other when I noticed what he was playing at. Somewhere along the way, I had gotten some kind of connection to Illumi in this whole unknown situation, and I referred to us as "us".

'Mah, Kurapika's alright.' I turned my head when I noticed Hisoka walking out. _If it'd been possible for Hisoka to keep Illumi and Chrollo apart, I wouldn't be so much imposed on as I am now. I'm on my own in this, Hisoka's merely a buffer._

* * *

_'Just thought I should hand you this.' Chrollo held out a small box, ushering me to take it. He made no attempt to physical contact when I got close, and I opened it one step outside of his reach._

_'Micro surveillance?' I held up one of the small cameras in wonder. This wasn't something Hisoka used, nor anything I do._

_'Do you recognize the kind?' I turned it around in my fingers some more before I did. I looked back up at Chrollo. 'You missed a couple in your house. I reckoned you didn't want to leave Zoldyck surveillance up intentionally.'_

_'It was at your house as well?' He gave me short nod,_

_'I took care of it while you were asleep back then.' I cocked my head at this news._

_'So now you're going to give me this "present" as some sort of way to get into good graces with me? Someone like you should know that's not happening.' He smiled,_

_'Just see this as a warning that surveillance planted by Zoldycks is not something to take lightly.'_

_'Both me and Hisoka removed the surveillance in my house. You're volunteering to take care of the surveillance this Monday?' I blinked a couple of times. Logically that would be the best idea. The distrust he's built up until now is not easily dismissed though. 'You will work together with Hisoka.' He nodded politely before I turned my back to put the box away, and he took the step into my office._

* * *

'It's almost past midnight you idiot, you almost missed your window of opportunity there.' I happily caught the phone thrown to me and twirled back into the phone room again. After Kurapika's visit I hadn't really expected Gon to call anymore. Besides him having an early day tomorrow, he was probably beat from today.

 _'Maa~h, don't complain about me actually making the effort Killua~.'_ I heard the slightly muffled response, he was probably already in bed.

'We'll it's the least you can do as a friend, can't you.' I heard him whimper a little, and changed the subject, 'How did Kito's treatment go today?'

_'It was alright. He put up less resistance than last time. I hope mom will be able to take care of it on her own though.'_

'Don't worry, I'll work on getting out of here as soon as I can, and send them your way.'

 _'Appreciated.'_ I'm just glad I don't have to do this against his will. _'How's your preparation with Illumi going? Had sex yet?'_ Before I could even be happy about that little notion, Gon had to bring _that_ up. I stood there with my mouth hanging open for a good couple of seconds before I could actually respond,

'Gon, _what the hell!_ How are you so fucking okay with me doing this with that long haired freak that's almost twice my age?!' I started yelling, and I got the volume back in an annoyed way,

_'Oh come on Killua~, if you have to do it, you have to do it, don't you? What's the big deal? You've had to do worse!'_

'Unlike _some guy I know,_ I haven't actually done this before! It wasn't exactly in my repertoire that I had to be attracted to someone!'

_'You're not telling me you've never thought about it! Even with that strict training of yours, it must have crossed your mind!'_

'Not exactly with a 26 year old dude!'

 _'He's not unattractive Killua! You could've done a lot worse!' Yeah, I could've had to do this with Hisoka…_ I threw up a little in my mouth thinking about that,

'Oy! I thought you were into girls!'

 _'Just because I did it with a girl once, doesn't mean I'm exclusively attracted to them!'_ _Yoooo…_

'Well then, _you_ have sex with this guy!' _I can't believe I actually said that,_

 _'Killua~ just suck it up! It'll be over in minutes anyway! Just do it so I'll have a better chance to escape your parents, 'lright?'_ I wept when Gon referred to himself as the greater good,

'Fine! I'll have sex with him tomorrow! Happy now?!'

 _'Couldn't be more happy!'_ For a couple of moments all I could do was huff angrily into the phone, and calm myself down a little, before I snorted and started laughing at this whole conversation. Gon followed my lead, but had to stop himself, _'Hahaha—OW! Don't make me laugh Killua, my training was brutal today.'_

'Hahaha! Own fucking fault! You're the weirdest person I know. Can you imagine me talking about this with a random kid from class? "Oh yeah, I've totally done it. It was with a dude twice my age, to frame him for my parents, it was totally hot."' I turned red a little when I said it like that.

 _'Don't forget to say that your best friend taught you everything you know!'_ I heard some whimpers of pain coming from the other side of the line. I tried to calm it down a little by now, before we'd use up the whole week for this. I breathed in and out pointedly, and did my best to get back on track,

'But what did you call for anyway? Any specific reason?'

 _'Nah, just felt like it after a busy day.'_ I snorted,

'You fucking housewife.'

 _'Shut up. Apart from your mission, how's your day been, honey?'_ I laughed, but did my best not to get caught up in this game,

'Actually, Kurapika came by today. You remember the blonde from Monday?'

_'Hmhm.'_

'Probably had something to give to Hisoka, but he talked with me as well. Came to warn me about some things. I think I'm done digging into these people, Gon. There's a huge mess, and as soon as I've done what I need to do, my parents can suck it.' I raised my free hand in a gesture of letting go of all of this, and shook my head. _This is their mess, I'm not getting caught up in it any more than needed._

 _'Ah, that Kurapika's a good guy, but you're right. These are guys that've been in that evil world of yours a lot longer than you have.'_ No but seriously, when possible you can call me evil and your best friend in one sentence, you are a saint.

'…Anyway, let's just hang up for today. I'll talk to you again on Sunday about the plan. Go the fuck to sleep.'

 _'Alright, you better've had sex by then.'_ I simultaneously turned red and had to laugh before saying goodbye and hanging up. That call did me a lot of good. It gave me some confidence that after next Monday's over, things can slowly start to get back to normal. _  
_

* * *

_'Don't forget this.' Sensitive for his proximity, I grabbed the hand that had reached out to me, and twisted him down to the ground. Opening his hand, I saw what he meant to give me fall down on his chest._

_'Why are you risking me calling this in just to hand me some kind of… medicine?' I picked up the small bottle,_

_'Test it. Sources have told me that it's a good way to get your heart rate down in emergencies.' By testing, he meant testing what the contents were._

_'There's no such thing, you're just trying to occupy me, get out of my office.' I let go of him, and he casually stood back up, adjusting his jacket a little and taking his time in walking out the door._

_'Oh but Machi has a lot of contacts left, I suggest you test it anyway. I'm not the same as Hisoka, I like you better when you're not in a trigger.' He turned around and gave me a very intent look, 'Good luck tonight, I'll take Killua on my own tomorrow morning.' He nodded politely before walking out of my sight. He's going through a great deal of trouble to get me to his side. I need to find out what this liquid is so I'll know what I'm opposing._

* * *

It would've been better if I'd been able to reschedule the patient for today. Because of extra dealings with Chrollo and Killua this week, I'd gotten behind on the plan; but it was still happening tonight. If it doesn't happen now, Killua won't have time to adjust to the notion that Gon has already been taken care of.

'I'm impressed you've been able to prepare all of this in the small amount of time you had.' Before going, I needed to make sure of Hisoka's support concerning surveillance, so right now he was the only person aware of the complete plan. 'I didn't know your skills in plastic surgery had evolved this much.' He briefly held up the piece of paper containing the evidence to this, before looking back through the rest. I leant my arms on my knees,

'There's very little of my skills you're aware of.' I turned my eyes down toward the papers slowly starting to scatter on the table, as Hisoka went through them.

'Unfortunately, keeping your problem hidden is not one of them.' His eyes briefly shot up to mine, but the glare he got back for that returned his attention to the papers.

'People are generally interested in touch – even when it's not wanted. In this place where chances are high that I find someone interesting, it is impossible to hide it.'

'Also in a place where _we_ are found quite interesting.' I saw the paper containing the medication I was bringing with me, be added to the stack on the table.

'This is true. Killers are more prone to find interest in other killers.'

'Mm~ I'm betting with some of us the motives lay elsewhere.' I didn't need to look at him to guess the meaning of his words, 'Technically, you've only recently taken your first life. Congratulations, you are now officially a killer.' The desire to come along tonight, was dripping from every word spoken.

'It wasn't a good choice, I had to alter a lot.' I shoved some papers out of the way to take a look at how my victim had originally looked. It wasn't that I'd had a lot of choice; because of the nature of some of the employees here, there is a list of people that are allowed to be taken care of if the need arises. Unfortunately, the amount of children on that list is very low.

'Oh but you did such a wonderful job~. The only scar tissue visible, is in places they're not going to check if they think it was a natural death.'

'I shouldn't have left a trace at all, I can do better than this.' I stood up and walked to the other side to take the photographs away from him. Death by poisoning will be the ruling – an unfortunate mix up with Kito's medicine. I have a solid contact working in the nearby hospital to make sure it's not found out it's not Gon. Meanwhile, I will tranquilize and transport Gon back here; that is if Hisoka has full control over surveillance. Because although we have been given the all clear for this, the records need to stay clean.

'With the help of your friend, there's no problem.'

'… …' This was true, but a kind of professional pride was interfering at the moment. 'Do you have control back over surveillance from Killua?' He lay the last of the papers down, and his grin widened,

'No problem at all, I'll use my back up to reverse his trick on me. Shouldn't take me long.' He leaned back, breathing out satisfactory, and closed his eyes. 'Aah~ the thrill of the hunt. I'm curious how your little Killua-kun is going to handle this.'

* * *

A couple of hours later, Hisoka took his leave to prepare to falsify surveillance. He lazily raised his hand as he walked away, and left me with my part of the plan. It was just past midnight; I'd be at Gon's house in two hours, and I'd switch the bodies, as well as injecting it with some of Kito's lethal medicine. No matter what hospital will be called, my contact will be there to make sure the altered body is mainly examined by him.

I started getting dressed for the job, but stopped a second before going out the door. There was an underground in this facility – usually to protect lower levels against higher levels that can't stop, even under the threat of being here - and Killua needs to stay in the dark about this place. Chrollo will also see this plan as an opportunity to drive the boy to hate me, to "make room" for himself. Where either of them gets the idea I'm inclined to include them in my life, is a mystery to me.

_Well, after Monday there's little trouble left with Killua, is there._

Time to go.


	24. Friday 18th - Trust

_He's not here._

I looked up at Chrollo as he unlocked the door to his office without the long-haired Mental Breaker behind him. With all the deviant behavior going this week from every one of us, this was something that put me on edge.

'Illumi's not going to be here?' I carefully walked in after him and closed the door behind me; not leaving my escape route for the time being. _I don't know if you've done something to him, or that this entails something solitary from Illumi, but neither is a good thing._ 'Did you put this session at eight instead of five to give him time to come? What is he doing?' He merely sat down in his chair, and lay all his papers leisurely on the table in front of him. He loosely crossed his legs and leaned back before looking back at me – he was acting as if nothing'd changed. _But everything's different, isn't it?_

'He won't be here again 'till the afternoon. You'll have to make do with me today.'

'Will I have to drag a good reason out of you, or should I just go straight to Zeno for this?' I raised my voice, but as usual there was not a single reaction to be read from his face. Still I was certain nothing's like it's supposed to be,

'He had work to do concerning his Deliverer's past, he's been given leeway by Zeno to do this.' I slit my eyes at him. Somewhere I knew this was bullshit, but there was no ground for me to stand on to claim this.

'I take it you've rejected the notion of going for surgery? We haven't heard a definitive answer yet, and you're behaving more objecting to what we do than normal.' Although he sat completely still, his legs were crossed and his hands lay folded in his lap… I still had the feeling he was an immediate threat. Not being able to read him for this amount of time has not been doing me much good. Almost an entire month now, has he been able to stay a ghost in front of my parents… and unreadable to me – even though I see him twelve hours a week. _What is your obsession with Illumi? How dangerous is it right now to be near you?_

'In the end it won't make much of a difference either way. I'm not risking it for that.'

'It's within your every right to decline. Even though it wasn't necessary in the first place, if you ever want to make it happen, Illumi really is your best choice.' My eyes widened for a moment; at first hearing, it had sounded like a normal response, _but did he or did he not just tell me that surgery was never a useful option either way?_ Knowing my parents that wouldn't even be a stretch, would it. Making me scared for something that wasn't even in my head.

_These fuckers were gonna dig in my brain without necessity, weren't they?_

'It's not happening.' I increased the resolution in both my eyes and my voice. He kept silent for a couple of seconds in which gears were turning every which way in his mind,

'I take it that by now, one way or the other, you have taken note of my interest towards Illumi?' _I wasn't setting a step away from that fucking door._ 'It hasn't been hard to see Illumi disagrees with this, has it?' _Just keep talking…_ 'Because Illumi is the most plausible to work with you on achieving your goals, me getting in the way has brought bad blood in between us, hasn't it? So now you're working together with him to keep me away from both you and him. Hisoka seems to be on that side as well, and I heard Kurapika had come to visit. Tell me, has he told you "how dangerous I am?"' His voice wasn't completely robotic, I could tell he was working towards something he liked to achieve. It would be better if I'd walk away right now before he could convince me one way or the other…

'If he would've told you our story, you wouldn't have voluntarily stepped inside this room without anyone else here.' My hand twitched a little in the anticipation to getting the hell out of this place, and Chrollo noticed. His eyes shifted down to that hand, but his words never stopped flowing out, it seemed,

'You've been trying to find out more about me since you got here, so you're conflicted in wanting to escape the obvious threat, and getting valuable information. Tell me, what would be the biggest threat to you right now?' _The biggest threat?_ Personally, that Ging or someone else would be legitimately killed by my folks, and Gon would never forgive me for that. The other threat is screwing up with the man in front of me. If he somehow thinks I'm too much of a hindrance and gains favor with Illumi, it won't take much of their combined force to get me to go to prison. That happens, I'll be claimed dead, and I'll never get out of my parents' influence.

'Why is Illumi so important to you?' He didn't need me saying the words to know I understand the risks.

'That does not concern you.' _Getting rea~l tired of hearing that._ He inclined his body a little more my way, and instinctively I shuffled back a small step. 'If you decide to pursue this, you will leave me no choice.' _Well no thank you, I don't want to get involved in your shit anyway. But not knowing anything about you isn't exactly making me feel comfortable around here._ 'Believe it or not, I'm not here to inconvenience you. What we've decided a while ago is that we'll help you stabilize you socially, so you won't make the same mistake again. I am aware of how rare true Assassins like you are, and you are needed in this world. However, I will not hesitate to put a stop to that plan if you provoke me. Is that clear?' I gave a nearly invisible nod. _Of course the cameras are off right now, aren't they? They always seem to be in this office of his. Very convenient._

'Is that all? Can we go on with the session like normal now?' The slight smile appearing on his face at this point didn't exactly relieve my stress, but I've been taught well to keep my heartbeat down.

'If you're feeling too threatened right now, I suggest we postpone until Illumi is available again.' I had the feeling that no matter what decision I'd make, it'd have negative consequences to me. If I'd stay I had a greater chance at being manipulated one way or the other. If I say I'll leave right now, I don't know what will happen.

'There's no choice, why are you giving me one?'

'What do you think is going on with Illumi at this point? Your first thought must have been that either I or Hisoka have triggered him again. There's no real way to confirm or deny this, but you don't think it's something simple like that. You've been more perceptive this week, and you must have noticed our deviant behavior. So what can it be then? What could Illumi be doing at this point that I cover for him, and Zeno has condoned of?'

'There's a lot of things a Deliverer can be doing, but I doubt he's doing something regular during his working hours.'

'Correct.'

'Then he's using his skills for something-' There was a knock on the door at that point, and I stepped away swiftly when Chrollo stood up to answer it. _The desk lady had personally come over to deliver a call?_

'Personal call for Killua Zoldyck. He is allowed to take this in his room, audio will be turned on with surveillance.' Chrollo stepped aside for me to leave, and I got the phone meant for this politely handed to me. _Why am I suddenly allowed this? What is going on?_

A little numbed by this strange message and the happenings with Chrollo, I simply did as I was asked, and rushed to my room. My gut was telling me something bad was going on, and the door had to suffer for that when I pulled it closed with a force.

I stopped in the middle of the room, and finally brought the phone to my ear to check what the hell was going on,

'This is Killua, who am I-'

_'Killua you bastard, this is your fault isn't it?!'_

'Mito? What-?'

_'He's dead, Killua! You happy now?! Your best friend is dead because of you!'_

'W-what? Whe-' My heart starting throbbing in my throat, and I felt blood and feeling drain from my skin,

_'Poisoning by Kito's medicine?! I've never ever mixed that up! I hope you'll stay in that institution for the rest of your life! You and your family are gonna pay for this!'_

'No! Don't go after them, they'll…!'

It started beeping rhythmically on the other side when she stopped the conversation. It became more and more deafening the longer I had that thing attached to my ear. There was so much and nothing at all going through me at this point. _Did Illumi do this that he wasn't here this morning? Did my parents do it to put a stop to everything once and for all and was Gon actually dead? … was he actually dead..?_ That last question kept resounding in my mind louder and louder, even though it was more likely that Illumi had taken the job from me without saying anything.

But Mito's rage right now… no matter if Gon's still alive or actually dead, I deserve that rage. I deserve more than that rage. I'm putting that family through hell just because he's my friend. If he's still alive, I'll do everything to get them out of this situation, but I will sever ties with him afterwards – I will release them from this world of death.

_Illumi is right, it's selfish for me to think that I can lead both lives. As long as they're associated with me, this family will be a target for anyone with a grudge towards us – I can't possibly protect them against all of that. I can't do that to them… whether or not this death is real right now, someday it will be, someday it might be Gon on the other side of this call… I… I'm sorry, I've been a fool for your acceptance up until now, Gon, I've been the idiot all along…_

After a while I noticed my arm had dropped to my side and the phone had found its way to the ground. This is it.

My parents have won.

I lifted my hand when the silent tears started irritating my eyes, and wiped them away a little.

_Congratulations, you will have a patient from now on who has no reason anymore to hold back to take you down…_

Especially you, Chrollo.

I looked back up and into nothingness when I felt this incredible hate fill me up with the tears still rolling out of my eyes. I narrowed them when I felt this new resolution.

_Don't underestimate me when I have nothing to lose._

* * *

'How did it go?'

'Without a problem, naturally.' I threw my coat away on the couch next to Hisoka. Gon lay sedated underground in the most invisible location there exists, and he'll wake in a couple of hours. My contact has also assured me he's taken control over the fake body. There was barely any surveillance at his house, and certainly nothing unexpected. I don't think the Zoldycks had considered the option of this happening seriously enough.

I don't think they care either way.

'Every piece of evidence has been erased here?' I kicked my shoes off and pulled my dirty shirt over my head, throwing it on top of the coat. Hisoka watched with great interest as I started to change my clothes.

'Without a problem, naturally.' He returned with great amusement. 'Chrollo is either still in session with Killua, or not anymore if our dear boy has been informed of his friend's death already.'

'Chrollo said session today wouldn't start until an hour ago. I think it's highly unlikely Killua hasn't been informed yet.'

'Ah~ yes, he's probably being blamed for everything right now over the phone.' He leaned his head down over the backrest to keep following me around the room.

'Even though it still could've been an honest mistake, I think the Freeccs family will blame everything on Killua as well. I will hear about it later today.' There was no doubt Killua was going to seek me out today. Either to simply fight with me, to threaten me, to declare a war. He will be a mess, I will need to contain this before Monday.

'I am so looking forward to dear Killua's rage today. Aah~ I can't wait to see him barging in here.' He licked his lips before lifting his head up again, and spread his arms wide over the backrest, 'Am I allowed to spar with him?' He sounded as if he'd been looking forward to such a moment for a long time.

'Go ahead, but don't incapacitate him too much. I will be pulled off the case if Zeno rules that it's not Killua's own fault.'

'I will be careful.' I'm sure he will be, or else he will have to answer to me. But if Hisoka can be distracted by Killua for today, I'm not objecting. I will most probably get to hear a lot of nonsense from the boy about laying blame; after a fight with Hisoka he will not be occupied with that anymore.

'I'm going to take a shower, you will be gone by the time I get back.' I'd put on some training clothes for now to cross the hallways, and pulled my hair loose. He chuckled softly and nodded to make clear he'd comply. Since he can't spar with Feitan – and somehow isn't allowed with Chrollo either – I'm sure he's looking forward to Killua snapping. I looked down directly into those bloodlusted eyes for a second to contemplate if he really wouldn't break any bones with my patient, but was interrupted when my door was opened without anyone knocking.

'Killua..?' He had an unrecognizably dangerous look about him when he walked in and stopped in front of me. He glanced a short second at the disregarded clothes before giving his full attention to me. It's bad if Hisoka's right and Killua actually has put too much trust in me. That means he now feels betrayal, and he will stop caring about consequences towards me.

'Session is rescheduled to three this afternoon. I expect you to be there.' What I was now feeling from him was nothing like Chrollo or me with our ability to shield emotion from our words, Killua is obviously out for blood – more than I'd anticipated. Something else has happened to him in the short amount of time he's had with Chrollo, hasn't there.

'Thank you for-'

'I don't think you understand.' He didn't say anything after, so I continued,

'Like I said, then-'

'I'll see you at the court in one hour.'

'We're not training to—'

'We are.' Something has snapped inside of him. This isn't the amount of danger I'd expected from him. His eyes are nearly glowing red, and there seems to be no limiter left on his abilities. Killua is behaving exactly like Hisoka does in the rare times he's serious in his threats.

'… …' I stopped a second to draw this conclusion before I stepped closer and looked directly down at him. 'If you interrupt me one more time, I will make sure not even your family can get you out of here, do you understand?' I responded to his danger in kind, and released the double amount of what I've ever let him feel. He was silenced for a second, but there was no waver in his eyes, nor in his mood. He's stopped caring, hasn't he? He's pure hatred right now, I can't match that. 'I will not train with you today, and you will not leave our sight the rest of this weekend.' _The way he is right now, he will attract Feitan's attention, and either of them will die._

He cocked his head, but he did not respond. Instead he leisurely walked past me and sat down on the couch right next to Hisoka. Normally he would react strongly to a presence like Killua's, but he seemed displeased by it. His brows dropped in disappointment, and I got to see the rare sight of his grin falling. He sighed deeply before taking his time in standing up, and looked at me with a boredom he's only showed once before in his life,

'Things have turned quite dull, it seems.' He walked past me, 'People with nothing to lose are not worth my time.' …and out the door. I had to agree with him that in regards to fighting challenge, people who throw their life away are predictable.

However, this was only Killua's demeanor towards Hisoka. Towards me – and I imagine Chrollo as well – he still has one thing to live for. Before he leaves here, he will make sure there's nothing left of us. Just because we burst his bubble that he can't live both lives.

_We need to watch out._

'You will either follow me to the shower, or I will drop you off with Chrollo. Your choice.' He stood up, and I let him pass to lead the way of his choosing. Walking by me, I felt the intensity of hundreds of ways in which he wanted to make me pay for putting him in this position. _This will be quite difficult to dissipate by Monday._

How much trouble will he give me if we reschedule it? I don't think neither him or his parents will allow it. They most probably already have a thousand reasons ready to make it impossible for me not to show up. In countermeasure, I have very little to use against them.

… …

I stopped in my thoughts for a second when I realized two things.

One was that most probably something Chrollo said this morning had helped pull Killua over the edge; and two was that I actually needed to work together with my supervisor now to handle our patient and that he'd succeeded in pulling himself closer to me.

This also proved his theory that as long as Killua was close to me, he stood less of a chance.

Now the tables have turned, but that only gives me more motivation to pull Killua back more quickly. Chrollo's true motivations need to be killed off.

* * *

 _He hadn't been kidding when he said they weren't going to leave me along for a second._ Illumi had left me with Chrollo with this message, and about an hour later I had gotten a call from – who else – my parents. The only private time I ever really got in this place was null-and-void as soon as my shrink stepped into the phone room after me. At the very least they're aware of the danger at this point.

I brought the phone to my ear, and turned my back to the guy before answering. I'm not playing for an opening anymore with this guy. Now that I have no more need of Illumi, all I need to do is play out Chrollo's lack of existence and his one desire out against him. Two birds with one stone.

'Hello.'

 _'Were you the one, or was it an accident like it's claimed?'_ I heard my father's voice, and was surprised to hear this question. This means Illumi has done a good job in making it look like an accident. I am impressed.

'I've been in here the whole time,' I turned my head around to look at Chrollo, '…I have nothing to do with this.'

 _'There is no real reason for them to, but could anyone at the institution have anything to do with this?'_ I narrowed my eyes at him some more,

'No. They have limits on their lawlessness.' There was still no change in his expression, but I'd made up my mind. My parents are not going to get involved in this. _You're both mine._

 _'We'll investigate some more, but if Gon's dead then we'll pull out with Ging. We're not killing someone without the order or the need to.'_ I have waited three months to hear the second part of that sentence, but I did not feel happiness. It only hurt.

'Alright.'

 _'I will call again Sunday.'_ He hung up afterwards, and I clicked it closed, walking past Chrollo as if he didn't exist.

'I have something to do in a couple of minutes, we will wait until Illumi's available again.' He stated coolly, but I could sense very faintly that he was pleased with all of this. Of course he was. Now that I don't need Illumi anymore, he has free reign, and I don't care.

As a matter of fact, I will trigger him just for you. Even if you know what I'm doing, you won't be able to resist. In that moment I will have Machi defenseless.

'You're mad because we took the job from you without your consent?' I didn't open my mouth and just kept walking leisurely back to Illumi's office. 'You know that if we'd told you, you wouldn't have been able to keep it a secret.'

'I'm not mad about that. I'm not mad at all.' _I'm way beyond that._

'What can we do to get you out of this state?'

'You don't want me out of this state, you want to keep me like this so it'll be easier for you to get to Illumi.' I heard a soft huff behind me.

'What I said today still stands. You have very little leeway in this situation. If I notice you getting in my way, you know the consequences. At this point I have only gained another piece of control over you.' He was talking about that he and Illumi were now the only ones aware of Gon's location. However, I doubt Illumi will indulge Chrollo in this information. Mainly for the fact that he doesn't want to cooperate with him in any way, but actually getting me to the point of full release.

'You're miscalculating one thing though.'

'What's that?'

'I seem to have stopped caring.'

* * *

_'You know you don't stand a chance anymore, with everything Killua knows about you.'_

_'I wouldn't have let him know this if I ever thought he'd get beyond my control.'_

_'You think you still stand a chance? You've betrayed him. Twice. In very fundamental areas no less.'_

_'Ah, but neither of those are the reasons he's snapped. That's because of his greediness.'_

_'Hm~, something quite surprising can come your way if you think that's all that happened.'_

_'I thought you lost interest, Hisoka.'_

_'In Killua? Yes.'_

* * *

There was no need to worry about Killua killing us in our sleep – he knows the consequences – but we do need to keep watch that he doesn't go out looking for challenges. Both Chrollo and Hisoka had rejected taking the first night, so right now he was sitting on my chair, looking at me working behind the desk.

Almost the entire day now this had continued. We even had to cut the session short because Killua had refused to talk. That he didn't object to having to fill these hours another time, was just one of the many things that had changed with him. A lot of actions that previously put him on edge, did not work on him anymore. But more importantly, he's still oozing danger now at two in the morning. Something like that should drain you, but it didn't seem to zap any of his strength. Had he just found out something about this trick that I haven't? His talent seems to exceed merely his martial arts then.

I still wondered why Hisoka was convinced that this was a trust issue as well. Sure, Chrollo had hinted that he had nothing in his brain, and we'd taken the most important task he'd been preparing for from him, but he wouldn't be like this if that was bothering him. He'd be sure we'd know about it.

We have tackled the issue of trust before, haven't we. To him it lay close to loyalty, and loyalty was connected to the obligated love he felt towards his parents. But even though trust for him is connected to loyalty, it's a state of mind that's fairly unfamiliar to him. He's even been forced to question everything his parents ask of him because of his hit on Ging – the only trust there is that he knows he won't be put on a mission he can't succeed in.

But that changed, didn't it. Killua had been unable to succeed in killing Ging. So that little trust he had was shattered. That's why he isn't involving anyone else in this "revenge" of his he was planning.

He's wanted to have trust in Gon for a long time as well. But because he has no trust in his own ability to have good social interaction, he's always expected to be hurt by Gon as well. There was a lot of trust back and forth, but he doesn't seem to have noticed that.

Considering these two kinds of trusts he's had in his life, where would I come in? Usefulness is the only thing I see. What has Killua let me do up 'till now that required trust? He has let me train him, he has let me get physically close, he had nearly consented to surgery, he had wanted me to help in hiding Gon, he had wanted to help me get Chrollo off my case because of that.

I can see how Hisoka could interpret this as signs of trust, but to me this looked more like someone ready to do anything to accomplish his mission. It is a kind of forced "trust". The only reason I'm actually considering the possibility it has been actual trust, is because of the redhead's words. He's rarely wrong about this.

'… …' I looked back directly at him when I saw movement and he stopped at the other side of the desk, looking down on me. _There is no betrayal, I have no idea what Hisoka's talking about._

Wait…

Gon had put his trust in Killua, that Killua would get him and his family out of this situation the best he could. If Killua would have done this kill, it would be him willingly taking all the blame. Now because I have done it, he feels betrayal towards his promise with Gon – the only real trust he feels.

_That's it?_

Still Hisoka has used the word before. I need to talk with him more, to find out what he really means. Perhaps because of the boy's bad acting, this forced trust that he's barely had to exert in his life, had become real trust for him. This is a possibility.

'What is it?' His face remained unchanged. Normally I would send him away that I had plenty to do, but as a matter of fact, I had very little to do at this point. 'Ask what you need and go back to your seat afterwards.'

'Your focus is less than normal.' I inclined my head when he stated this. Of course it was less,

'That's not strange after last night. Get back to your chair if you don't need anything.'

'… …' But he didn't. He was silently provoking me. Well doesn't really matter where he is, as long as he's in my sight.

I turned my eyes a little away from him, and at that point he instantly shot his hand out to one of mine. Reflexively I pulled it away, grabbed his wrist instead and twisted his arm down on the desk. At the same time this was happening, he closed his face in on mine, but I stopped him by grabbing him forcefully by his chin and keeping him away. _This wasn't good, was Killua in the trigger-zone again?_

I quickly subdued the increased heart rate, and noticed that it was still safe. But the look on Killua's face told me he'd noticed. _I have no choice but to put more trust in Chrollo to take care of surveillance this Monday._

When I pushed the boy away, he smirked similar to Hisoka before turning on his heel and sitting back down in the chair, satisfied.

'You're intentionally driving me to having to trust Chrollo?' I inclined my head at him.

'Sure, why not. Seems like fun.' He shrugged.

'Your idea of fun now seems to differ from the last three weeks.'

'People change. Didn't you want that?'

'You will not be satisfied until there's nothing left of either me or Chrollo?'

'Who knows.'

'You will never be qualified to leave if you remain like this.'

'You're catching on.' The look in his eyes tells me that he indeed intends to completely destroy us.

_I will use Hisoka then._


	25. Saturday 19th - "Results gained in the past..."

'No.'

'No?'

'It's a simple word, Illumi-kun. Learned at an early age and used all through your life as a negative to a request, or as an exclamation to something that's real but you don't want it to be.' I turned my head to look at the redhead. For some reason he'd said that if we talk, we do so outside. So we were standing in the slightly sheltered place where I've had a lot of conversations with Chrollo as well. The snowing had rescinded in the last couple of days, so right now there was just a thin layer left on the ground. It was still cold, but temperature was slowly rising. Seemed like this year January wasn't going to be as harsh as expected.

'I am aware of the meaning, but the meaning is never the interesting part of the word.' Hisoka didn't look back at me. He simply let out a soft laugh and his mouth curled up slightly into an amused grin. But not one of his usual grins.

He wasn't playing around, his answer was serious; merely my reaction was amusing him.

'You're going to be disappointed, if you're looking for an answer as to the why of this rejection.' His eyes didn't stray from the snowed over parking lot in front of us – looking at some people passing in the distance behind the gates. I hadn't even told him what my idea had been for him to distract Chrollo while I get closer to Killua again, and already I got a no.

'Does this still have to do with Chrollo being off-limits?'

'Ma~ybe.' He blew out some air and watched the smoke disappear in the surrounding air.

'You're still not telling me why.'

'"Results gained in the past are no guarantee for the future."' I raised my brow when I heard that slogan exit his lips and I put question marks all around it. Was he suggesting that he's told me before but I have chosen to forget? That doesn't sound like something I would do, I have a near eidetic memory.

'You're speaking in riddles without playing a game, that's unusual for you.' I looked back out in front of me again.

'You'd do well to stay away from Chrollo too.'

'I need his help this Monday for surveillance, and he's given me a liquid that may or may not help me contain my triggers. Right now I can't do as you ask.' Questioning Hisoka's words at this point was futile. I can discern a serious conversation from a playful one easily enough. He doesn't say anything he doesn't mean when he's like this.

He's not often like this though.

'Mah, your choice.' He was keeping a lot of things from me,

'This kind of secrecy towards me is not like you, Hisoka.' He started laughing again before finally turning my way. 'At the very least I can trust you will not push me closer to Chrollo. You can help Killua then.'

'No.' A negative again? 'You're not in a position to decide the best of outcomes for yourself. I'll do what I want.' I raised my voice a little in annoyance,

'So long as instead of Chrollo I'm not being pulled in by you, because there will be nothing left of you if you do.'

'How cruel. I'd almost do just that to get you in that state of mind.' He shifted a little and closed in on me, 'Were it not that I know how scary you can be.'

'Are we still practicing today?'

'I have a session with Feitan later on, after that I suggest we do this at the institution. I don't think Chrollo's all too interested in keeping Killua within bounds, do you? It'd be better we practice your triggers here before your dear patient murders everyone here.'

'Chrollo is more capable than either of us to predict Killua's movements.'

'With all due respect, dear friend, Chrollo's attention has not been on Killua for a while.'

'…Fair enough.' I was about ready to walk away, but Hisoka stopped me before I could move a single step.

'I'll take Killua-kun off your hands until then.'

'I thought you weren't interested in him anymore?'

'Trust me.' Although I often claim otherwise, the one piece of trust I have in him, is that he's not out to destroy me.

'Alright.'

' _Hm~ you have no idea how interesting you are to me right now.'_ I stepped in front of him, blocking his view. I had the feeling I needed to know about his ulterior motives, but something withheld me from actually forcing it out of him. It was mainly that for the time I've known him, nothing was pointing in the direction that he would either force Chrollo on me, or Killua away. But my instincts were unadjusted to dealing with him keeping secrets when he's not trying to get physically closer.

'Is there anything I'm doing wrong that you're… "protecting" me from?' I cocked my head and asked the question directly, but he quickly dismissed it, lazily shaking his head.

'I'll pick up our dear Killua-kun from Chrollo and keep him company until it's time for us to go.' He pushed himself away from the wall, and I had to back away a little when I noticed he was going for touch. There have been a couple of times in which Hisoka was outside of the trigger-zone, but right now he was higher up there than he's been before. He seemed to notice this, and merely turned around after giving me a short goodbye.

Normally I would attribute this whole conversation to him trying to make himself more interesting so I would trigger more easily; but he'd been serious in his answers. What am I not seeing?

* * *

Waiting for the opportune moment to trigger my shrink seemed to be harder than expected. For this goal, I had both Illumi and Hisoka against me, I need to create the circumstances myself if I want to make it happen. I _especially_ need a controlled environment to do this so Illumi will be at a weakened mental state, and will give me Gon's current location. _I_ will _get him back from you bastards. As soon as I've discredited you and can leave early, I_ will _give his family back to him._

At the very least I'm almost certain Illumi will still let me practice tomorrow – if only to make sure he can handle me the day after. So whatever I do there, I have to keep it within bounds 'cos he will be on high alert. The only reason for triggering him tomorrow, would be if Chrollo were near – but I doubt he'll let that happen.

Besides all that, I'm still waiting on more information on Machi to exploit. I need to know what her specialties are, so I can prepare to protect myself against that.

'I can't say that I haven't gotten curious about your inner workings. I know your goal, but how are you planning to surprise both Illumi and Chrollo?' I turned my eyes to look at Hisoka, but kept attention on him to a minimum. 'Mah~, delivering Illumi to Chrollo is basically taking them both out at the same time, isn't it. Do you think I will let you near my dear friend?' He stretched his arms above his head before standing up from his desk. I have no idea how to deal with Hisoka. What is his weakness? If Illumi knows, he won't indulge me until he's triggered, but I can't trigger him until Hisoka is out of the way, that's a dead end.

'You're being weird for someone as self-serving as you.' He raised his hands and shook his head as if he didn't know why he was doing that either. But he knows. _He's the man who understands the entire picture, how can I trick someone like that?_

I need to create a circumstance where even though he knows what's going to happen, there's no way for him to stop it…

'Well, even someone like me needs the company now and again, don't you think?'

'No you don't.' You can replace anyone easily enough, you don't defend anyone but yourself, so why're you protecting Illumi? He laughed before sitting down next to me and laying his arm across the backrest behind me. I still didn't move anything but my eyes.

'Mah, both you and Illumi are so cruel.'

'Someone like you is impossible to get offended.' He laughed a little harder than normal, but I remained still. Even when he closed his lips in on my ear to whisper.

'I was wrong, I still find you very fascinating.' He inhaled a little and continued on a lower tone. 'Talk more Illumi to me.' When I felt his lips brush my ear, I instantly extended my hand, and set my nails in his side. With a little force I could rip him open just enough to make him back off from this position. Hisoka took a little distance, and looked down directly into my eyes. He grinned a little wider before taking the small distance we'd had before. _Don't distract me._

'You both have very selective logic, you have no idea how amusing that is.' I could contact Kurapika again to check if he knew anything. _But Kurapika wants me to use Hisoka as an ally, he won't help me take the redhead out._

 _…_ Then I'll resort to a semi-effective way.

'Things are moving faster in there right now, aren't they?' There's only one thing that I know would piss off Hisoka. And most probably the only thing that would work, 'cos Feitan's very able to work under this guy's radar... 'Hm~ I'm wondering what kind of dangerous tricks you're gonna use.' C _hallenging Feitan to a fight is still very risky though._

'Whatever can we do to make it up to you, hm?'

'You can let me hide the rest of Gon's family here as well.'

'Mm~… no.'

'Then I suggest you take your distance before I gut you.'

'So demanding. But you're right, it is strange for me to defend Illumi, isn't it.' He lifted his free arm and stroke his fingers through his hair, letting his hand rest on the top of his head, 'Seems like there's some kind of history between us that makes him "special" to me, doesn't it.' He lay that arm over the backrest as well, and crossed his legs. 'Tell me, you must've noticed Kurapika knows a lot about this world and me. After hearing his advice, what makes you think the course you're taking is a good idea?'

'Why don't you just tell me about Illumi if you want me to know so badly.'

'"Results gained in the past are no guarantee for the future."' I raised my brow a little when he said that, and he started laughing again. 'I'm taking the route of most fun and certainty, I'm not telling you anything I don't want you to know.' Standing up, he walked to a random spot at his bookcase, and slowly flipped through the book he took out. "Results gained in the past"…? What the hell is that supposed to mean.

'Don't worry, I'll make sure you don't do anything you're not supposed to.' _With their constant eyes on me, I need to find a gap to get to Feitan._

* * *

Uhm… well…

… …

What?

_I just thought of this ten minutes ago, why…_

I guess Chrollo didn't really object to any of this as long as he got to Illumi in the end? I'd underestimated his level of confidence, that everything's under his control. _Damn, how bad do you want it that you don't care if you're being framed or not._

 _"I think I can trust you to stay here, can't I?"_ That's all he had said after five minutes of looking over me. Directly after that he just smiled and walked out the door. A little taken aback by the free pass I'd just gotten, but I hadn't let the chance go untaken. I'd slipped out, avoided detection, and it took me no more than a minute to find Feitan. The look in his eyes told me he was looking forward to breaking his shrink's most important rule with the way I was now.

I'd led the way outside, and he'd followed suit. We couldn't do this in basketball court, it would be the first place where they'd come looking for us. But we still needed the room, so we moved outside onto the courtyard. It was a big place, so through the light snow that was falling, it was hard to spot us.

He stood about ten feet away from me, and the look in his eyes was unmistakably from someone who's Hisoka's patient. He stood there quite relaxed, stretching his arms and legs a little. I never took my eyes off him, and I regressed my presence some more. With someone like Feitan I can't be so careless as to give away where I am or where I'm attacking from. On top of that, he wouldn't be intimidated in the slightest by increasing bloodlust.

_Chrollo really wants to move it along if he's letting me go already. Luckily I'm prepared._

'Can we start now?' He hasn't challenged someone before because they weren't worth the time, right? 'Cos he's more than capable to avoid detection. _Thank you for your acknowledgment, but I'm not going down as easily as you're expecting._

I bent my knees a little, and decided not to use any of Illumi's techniques. I'm still way too slow with that. _The extra muscle control I've built up will do me good, though._

'Let's go.' He let out an eerie giggle, and contrary to me kept his coat on. _He's concealing his moves._ He shifted weight a couple of times before tapping one of his feet loosely on the ground, and pushing his body forward like an arrow. I can't be naïve and think he'll be off-balance afterwards.

I shifted weight to the other leg when his arm went for my shoulder, but instead of going along in the motion, I stopped abruptly in my half turn to lash out at his head.

He ducked and stretched his other hand out towards me, but I grabbed hold of his shoulders and leaped over him. I made sure the distance was great enough so he couldn't retaliate immediately, but he did, and his nails scraped the side of my arm. I'd seen how he got his speed though, and focused all my muscle power in my standing foot, dragging my other leg with it limply, lashing out at him. When I did this, he took his distance for a second again.

'You're a fast learner.' I decreased my breathing some more, and put my attention mostly on my other senses and not my vision. Feitan is fast, I will have to beat him with "seeing" him. Anticipating his moves, and quickly finding out what the flow of his fighting style is, those are the main objectives. 'Not taking the compliment? Then shall we take it to the next level?' I was waiting for him to attack again, and kept my senses open when he started coming at me.

That's also why as soon as he stopped abruptly inches away from me, I started to turn around when I felt a second presence. But I was too late to react, and couldn't evade the fist just below my neck forcing me to hit ground.

_What the hell had just..!_

I barely stayed on the ground for a second, and flipped myself away from the other presence. Noticing Feitan had disappeared for some reason, I saw the only one left now was Hisoka. I've fought a little with him before, I know I can't beat him _. But I've succeeded in dragging him away, now I need to get him distracted without getting hurt too much._

'My, my, such killing intent coming from someone breaking the rules. I do believe you've done exactly what I expected. Mah~, I'm still a little unhappy about it though.' I remained standing close to the ground, and saw Hisoka snaking his fingers a little. It was only after that that he slowly turned his head my way, and I was met with the full extent of his danger. 'And things were going so well with Feitan as well. But I didn't think he'd find you worth his time, my mistake. How did you get away from Chrollo anyway? Is he working with you to get to Illumi?' He turned my way completely and lowered his hand, cracking each of his fingers individually. 'Well that wouldn't exactly take Chrollo out, now would it. You have more in the planning.' His voice was so controlled it was unnatural. 'I do think you need to stay away from my patients if you want to get out of here alive.' I narrowed my eyes a little and started calculating my chances and courses of action. I've assessed his physique often enough, and right now it wasn't very hard with his shirt blowing open in the wind.

'Shouldn't you go after Feitan first? He _did_ consent.'

'Oh, but my dear Killua-kun,' He lowered his voice again in danger, 'Any killer here gets their blood boiling with the way you're walking around, I can hardly blame him.' Relaying focus from my vision was actually feeling like a bad idea when I turned to his eyes. My own vision would've told me that they were still golden, but all of my other senses were telling me they were red with blood. The intensity of this was maybe a bit higher than expected.

His eyes almost closed completely when he noticed I wasn't backing off. Everything I've learned through the years was telling my legs to run, but with great effort I stopped this.

He noticed.

'You'll have a hard time fighting me if all you want to do is run.' His smile actually dropped for a second, but immediately raised again when I increased my focus some more. 'Well, how can I resist this?' He bent his knees slightly, and stretched the fingers on one hand. All I can do at this point is take a defensive stance against his style, but that's a bad idea considering his strength…

'Hmph.' He huffed before he moved too fast for me to follow and disappeared for a moment. I got a flat palm against my chest with a force after that moment. I gasped for air deeply, and was glad I'd been able to divert the impact a little to keep a break from happening. _Well now's as good a time as any to learn that defensive technique of Illumi's, isn't it,_

I responded to this during my deep inhale and lashed out at him, but I hit nothing but air. A fraction of a second later I got a flat palm against the same place on my back, and my inhale worked against me, making me stagger. I refused to stumble forward though, and lodged my complete strength downwards. When I noticed nothing else was coming in the next second, I spit out some blood on the white ground.

'Ooh~ you're still standing, I have to commend your training.' Mercilessly after this, he went for my kidney, but I evaded just enough to keep damage to a minimum, and he ended up back in front of me, taking a relaxed stance. I still hadn't moved from my spot.

I felt the corner of my lip raising.

I felt a laugh escaping my mouth.

First softly, but noticing it was doing my body good, the volume increased, and I threw my head back a second, stretching my knees and standing up leisurely.

_This was nothing compared to my real combat training._

I lowered my head again and looked back at Hisoka with a whole new state of mind, and he looked back at me, calculating.

'You're not allowed to break me.' Closing his eyes for a second, he responded,

'Mah, can't say I don't feel tempted.'

'You won't be able to get me to surrender with blows like this.' I grinned at him. His eyes took a different kind of focus, but none of the blood red in it had diminished. He was still close enough to let his leg stretch out to hit me, but instead of blocking it, I bent sideward and turned my upper body back up in time to catch any other attack. He went for my legs next, but I didn't resist the impact. Instead I let them be swept away like rags before directing them back down straight to the same spot they'd been before. He hit me a little lower on my chest this time, and nearly hit my solar plexus. I felt my sternum protesting against the force, but still clawed my nails into his forearm when he decided to stay in position a second.

None of my focus diminished because of this. If anything, I hadn't felt this sharp in ages. I flexed the fingers in my free hand, and smiled when I was about to pierce straight through his arm.

I was thwarted though. He hit my lower arm near my elbow and wanted to redirect me with that, but I made sure this wasn't done. Straight after that though, he grabbed hold of that lower arm and gave it enough of a pull to dislocate my elbow.

He let go and leisurely stood back up straight after that. The pull had been hard enough, but the dislocation wasn't complete, and I could pull it back in without much of a problem. I then looked back up at him, and narrowed my eyes.

'I've had fractures and dislocations everywhere. I can handle electric shocks, I have a certain level of immunity for poison. I have bled more than twice of what I now have inside of me. What made you think you can do worse than my family?' I spit out some more blood, and wiped my mouth. 'I am used to being brought to the brink of death. Someone who's not going to kill me will not be able to let me back down.' My smile dropped again, and I regressed my vision completely to focus on everything but.

'So this is your true potential.' I could _feel_ the interest in his voice. 'You were already able to dodge my second attack, although not completely. Very frightening talent indeed.' He raised a hand to his chin, 'Mm~ this is such a conflicting feeling.' The lust was dripping off his words. 'On one end you're boring because you have nothing left to lose. On the other end your potential is so high that I physically can't wait to fight you once you're on my level. Mm~ but I really _do_ need to back off, don't I?' He breathed in and out deeply and changed his stance. 'You're not moving from your spot unless I break you, and my dear Illumi has prohibited me to do this. I really don't want to end up on his bad side. Especially because it's more important for him to know you just confessed something genuine about your family.'

I relaxed my vision again when I felt Illumi enter the field, and walk up to Hisoka. I had forced myself hard to have been able to say that. But knowing there's actually nothing in my head... It wasn't anything concrete though, so it had come out well.

'If you're not going to break me, then I'm wasting my time.' I looked up at both of my shrinks for a second before turning around and leaving the site.

Hisoka was now interested in me.

With that he was easily distracted by his lust for fighting – whether he wanted it or not.

_Mission accomplished._

**_###_ **

'You know you just played right into him by interfering?'

'Oh, but there's not really anyone besides us that can and will stop him, and Feitan _does_ need to be stopped. He played it quite well.' I had to agree with that. Because of doing this, he had both made Hisoka just a little more distracted than usual, _and_ had ignited a fire in Feitan again as well. This meant he would be more difficult to handle in the coming weeks. Perhaps Hisoka had underestimated Killua's skills too much, that he thought he wouldn't be able to keep standing, or that Feitan ultimately wouldn't be interested even with this bloodlust dripping off the boy.

On top of all of that, he'd just forced himself to actually say something about his family. This was not uninteresting to me.

'He's quite the fearful youth, don't you think?' He is. His body can take a lot of punishment. Mentally now as well. For the first time, I have to admit I have made miscalculation. Perhaps I shouldn't have taken Gon's death completely upon myself. It will take time to get him back to a social level. 'I think I like this state of mind you've put him in.'

'I will have to work on getting him out of it.' Hisoka licked his lips before walking off, closing his shirt on the way.

'Oh well, time to get Feitan.' Hisoka had barely gotten me into a trigger before he noticed our patients passing by, and had followed closely after. It had taken me a little longer to go with him, trying to subdue my heartbeat.

With Hisoka distracted with his patient, it was now easier for Killua to put me in a trigger and deliver me to Chrollo. Meanwhile he will have all the freedom to find the information needed to take us all down.

We have to take countermeasures quickly; Killua is working fast, and Chrollo even faster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You have no idea how satisfying these chapters are for me. There's only one chapter left before chapter 1 actually happens, and I'm here like "OMG AND THEN I CAN FINALLY CONTINUE WHAT I STARTED THERE IT'S BEEN SO LONG"
> 
> Aw yea
> 
> It is hard writing Killua at the moment though. He's like an aimless beast, but with the instincts of his upbringing. On top of that he's not lost everything yet; his body knows this and keeps him slightly sane, but it hasn't reached his conscious mind yet.  
> Oh yes, there still IS something to lose.


	26. Monday 21st - Over the edge

_Apparently I had still underestimated the speed at which the boy was working._ All of this because the dose of sedation needed on him was too high and not allowed.

'What are you doing?'

'Seems pretty clear, doesn't it?' It was three in the morning, and Killua was sitting over me on his hands and knees on my bed. I'd opened my eyes and woken up to him pinning my wrists next to my head; his face inches away from mine, and his upper body lacking a shirt, showing all the fading marks I'd made. _He'd concealed his presence better than expected if he got this close without waking me up._

'It doesn't take a lot for me to get out of this position. Do you want me to force you, or are you going to back away on your own?'

'Do you want me to help? Personally I'm very interested to see where this will go.' I heard Hisoka comment on my left. _Apparently Chrollo really won't keep an eye on Killua at all anymore._ It feels like my supervisor is sending a wild animal after me instead of hunting for himself. _That's closer to the truth than I want it to be._ It couldn't be helped though, Hisoka has his hands full on Feitan now, he's not always available; and we both need sleep.

'No, Killua knows the best course of action right now.' I opened my eyes a bit wider, but Killua didn't back off at the threat of fear. Knowing we're not allowed to break him is an actual problem now.

'Considering your increasing heartbeat, the best course is taking care of the trigger, right?' I can't fool his hearing it seems.

'I don't believe you're aware of the kinds of triggers I'm able to get in.' I was able to subdue my heartbeat though, and lifted my leg to force him to leave my bed. He made a sideward jump, but still held on to one of my wrists. To get free from that, I sat up and grabbed the offending arm, forcing him loose. He took a casual step back, and huffed in amusement.

'If you break me, that serves my purpose as well, you're making an empty threat.' I didn't think this kind of certainty existed inside of the boy, I have underestimated him. I thought that if he'd snap, he'd collapse, not become like this. 'On top of that, with none of the triggers caused by me have you ever shown intent to kill me. So apparently I'm attractive to you, aren't I?' I heard Hisoka laugh a little behind me, but ignored it. I swung my legs off the side of the bed, and moved my hair back.

'I'm not attracted to anyone, it's merely the most prominent trigger. If you're here again to practice for later today, then you're mistaken if you think that's still going to happen.' The bluntness of this boy was starting to get on my nerves.

'Oh~? Afraid you're going to lose control?' Hisoka's laughing continued, so did my ignoring of it.

'Seeing as you're still only out to trigger me, I'm not helping you look natural while doing anything.' His grin didn't diminish.

'Aw, but I'm so looking forward to having you inside of me tomorrow.' He leaned forward a bit, and I started to get the idea Hisoka was going to choke in his laughing fit.

'You're also mistaken if you think talking about it causes any kind of trigger. I will take you back to Chrollo.' I closed my eyes in annoyance for a second,

'But I much rather practice on you.' In that second he'd taken the step closer again, and leaned his head in close. I took a short deliberation before taking the next step; the best way to make him back off has always been confrontation.

I lifted my hand and grabbed a handful of hair on the back of his head, pulling it to the side a little and brought my lips to his ear. Killua might be good in detecting change in body tensions, but I'm far from untrained in it myself. So when he flicked out his tongue and ran it up to my ear, I could feel his bark was greater than his bite.

'If you're not practicing with Chrollo, then this is the last moment you get before having to get excited under surveillance.' I whispered, and moved my hand straight down to his groin. When I made contact through his pants, I didn't even need to be an expert anymore to notice he was far from ready to perform. I heard the small gasp in my ear, 'Do you like this more than you want? Is that why you normally pull away even though there's a clear reaction?'

'I don't know, should I ask your heartbeat?' This was leading nowhere.

'This is the best game of chicken I've ever seen.' As soon as I heard the redhead, I pulled my hands away from Killua and finally responded to Hisoka,

'As soon as you're done jacking off to that, you're keeping the watch on Killua, Hisoka.' Said boy laughed shortly to that, but stepped back a little uncomfortably. Judging from what I'd felt just now, he'll be back to normal in no time though.

'Or we could involve dear little Killua-kun in taking care of your trigger.' Hisoka had trouble keeping his amusement to himself. He'd meant his words, so I looked around at him and cocked my head,

'I barely have a trigger at this point, there's no reason for me to join. But I'm not stopping you if _you_ want to teach Killua.' His eyes closed as much as his grin widened,

'Oh hell no, I'm not doing anything with you pervert.' I heard the protest coming from the Zoldyck, looking back at him.

'But I could teach you _so_ ~ much for tomorrow. Or _do_ you have a preference for my dear Illumi-kun?' Half trying to get Killua to confess this, half threatening him to dare and say yes. The boy took it well though.

'You've probably done it with my shrink the most, but I'm still not going near you. You physically repulse me.' Hisoka was having the time of his life tonight, and stood up at this point. Turning back a little to check his movements, I could see a very prominent part of him asking for attention.

'Mah~ I can't blame you for finding Illumi-kun so very attractive. I'll just help myself then.' He actually did as he was asked, and took a walk towards the bathroom. It doesn't take a whole lot for him to get excited with anything concerning me.

'Well this night is going to be more boring than I'd expected.' Killua raised his arms behind his head and took a look of boredom, avoiding looking at Hisoka in the process. _This boy won't be able to handle anything that's going to happen tomorrow._

'If you hadn't subdued your own excitement, that wouldn't be true.'

'If you hadn't subdued your trigger, it would've been the same.' He snapped back at me. Somewhere Killua's motives were incredibly transparent, but at the same time I was highly interested in this complete change in demeanor and the sudden lack of any doubt. What he'd done tonight was testing me,

'I wish you luck with being monitored by Hisoka after he's done.'

'Tch, not a problem at all.' In the following silence, the noises Hisoka was making emanated from the bathroom; the redhead did not take any subtlety in coming. I was used to the sounds by now, but I could still see traces of Killua being uncomfortable with it. _Tomorrow will be no problem at all._

'I will see you again in three hours when it's time to go.' Hisoka came walking out of the bathroom, still wiping his hands with a tissue, looking quite satisfied. 'Listen to everything he says, and keep a distance of ten feet away from me at all times. Good night.' As soon as he reluctantly approached the redhead, I lay down and pulled the blankets over me again. Hisoka's words - still dripping with lust - ended this entire ordeal,

'Good night, sweet prince.'

* * *

For a change, Hisoka hadn't deviated from my orders and taken guard the remaining three hours. I don't know what happened in that time, but Killua had calmed down a little. He hadn't lost his resolve in the least, but the hostility had been reduced for now. Although regulation dictated Killua be transported under heavy guard, we'd gotten in my car with just the four of us. There was less than a tenth of a percent that he'd be so stupid as to try to escape with all of us surrounding him.

Both Hisoka and Chrollo would get out earlier and move in the shadows to take care of surveillance while I go inside and delay the session with Killua as long as I can without alarming his parents too much. That's basically why I've practiced with Hisoka, and I have it under control enough for them. If last week is any indication, it will be no problem at all. I will examine the strange liquid Chrollo gave me another time.

'Is this really necessary?' I heard Killua complain on the backseat next to Hisoka as he held up the cuffs around his wrists, and I gave him a short glance via the mirror.

'It's the minimum amount of security we're forced to use.'

'You know I can be out of these in less than a second?'

'If you do, Hisoka will contain you. There's no reason for you to escape at this point either way. You will be hunted down if you disappear, and cause problems for your family. That way you won't ever get near your friend again, not even just to fix the problems you've caused him.' I heard him huff indignantly before looking away. I turned one of the last corners before reaching his house, and stopped to let Chrollo and Hisoka out.

'Half an hour extra should be enough, enjoy the session.' Chrollo stayed quiet, but Hisoka was simply brimming with excitement over this situation. If all went well he would have the footage of today's session, so I can understand why. He put Killua in the front seat and slammed the door closed, following my supervisor.

'You think you can disable all of my parents' surveillance with just half an hour extra?' He almost laughed outrightly when I started the car up again and drove the final stretch to his home. It had been about a two hour drive, but Killua hadn't spoken up until just now. Like the instinctual beast he is right now, he is most probably smelling the grounds of his territory.

'You're confident.' _Ungrounded, you have no estimate of Chrollo's skills, I do._

'Why wouldn't I be? My parents have been dealing with your kind for as long as you're alive.'

'No they haven't.'

'… …' He heard the lack of doubt in my voice, and waited for me to continue.

'If you think I'm going to indulge you in why that is, you're mistaken.' Normal Death Deliverers have an obsession for their profession – they're blinded towards anything that has to do with a normal life except for their cover job. Because of this, if you find out they're Deliverers, you confront them with it and they're off their game.

I don't have this weakness. I'm well aware of my professions, and also of the how and why I'm doing these things. Nothing I have relayed to Killua, or what he's found out himself, will prove otherwise.

I parked the car just outside their estate, and waited for a moment after turning the engine of to relay a final warning with my hand still on the wheel,

'You know I will go along in your play so you won't get into trouble with your parents – which would make you even more uncontrollable than you now are.' I got his attention, and he turned his eyes my way, 'However, if I notice you trying harder than is needed to get me into a trigger, even contact with your parents will be prohibited. I have several reasons to give to make this possible – you will be left at our mercy, and the gate to Gon will be closed. Do you understand this?' He squinted his eyes, and took a couple of seconds to form his answer,

'… I will behave.' It's the last piece of control we actually have over him – that I'm the only one aware of Gon's location at the moment. However, Chrollo would be willing to get this information for Killua if the boy will deliver me to him, so we need to take care of this state of mind of his quickly. For now though, a warning like this will suffice.

'Good.'

* * *

_'You're not going to sleep, are you?' I looked up at Hisoka for a second from the far end of the bed. There was no way I was getting into range of that pervert. I looked from Hisoka back to Illumi, who had been soundly asleep since five minutes after our conversation had ended. He really has a lot of trust in Hisoka, even with the redhead being preoccupied with Feitan for a good couple of weeks._

_What's the history between you guys?_

_Why do Chrollo and Machi trust each other so much, and why do you and Hisoka do the same?_

_'Found out some new information, or have a new plan to trick us all?' Hisoka's attention felt sharp and penetrating, and it was distracting me. Not in the least because nothing what my parents had found about Machi had anything to do with Chrollo. She'd been the impartial chief physician of several Yakuza groups, but that was it. That she was actually able to convince them all to take her in testified of her skills._

_But she'd been an impartial, why did she choose a side with Chrollo? What does he offer?_

_Whatever he offered her most probably happened after she entered here. He_ had _been her shrink, after all. She's not an official patient anymore though._

_'Are you ready for what you need to do?' I looked him back in the eyes from over my arm, and squinted a little. Hisoka doesn't bother me as much as he used to, but I've become more careful in giving him answers – be it verbally or non-verbally. 'Mah~ this is starting to get boring.'_

_'It's not my job to keep you entertained, it's just your job to keep an eye on me.' His lips drew wider when he got a neutral answer._

_'How many days has it been since you slept?' I've gone through worse, you're not getting me with that, you freak. 'Even if you're trained for it, it's bound to have an effect. Considering you're going to have to do something you haven't done before.'_

_'You always already know exactly what's going to happen, so why bother talking about it?'_

_'Hm~ but interaction is so much more interesting.' He lazily lifted a finger to point at me, 'Even if I do know what's going to happen, it's much more fun taking part in it instead of just having it happen in my mind.' He lifted his finger up in the air and started waving it from side to side a little, 'You're going to do exactly what you plan to do, and dear Illumi is going to play along in it – you don't have to worry about that. But I don't think I'm the only who knows what's going to happen after.' His finger stopped, 'Some people are just more willing to accept the truth than others.'_

* * *

'Mrs. Zoldyck isn't available at this point?' As soon as we got in the house, Killua had gotten a short greeting and a pat on the head from his father before he ushered him to the room the session would take place. He was left there on his own for now, as I was asked to talk with Silva alone for the weekly status update.

'In favor of me being absent, she took my job for as long as needed today.' It is confirmed that Killua has siblings, but I've yet to actually meet them. This house was completely empty right now, Silva was keeping them away deliberately.

'She does this more often?'

'Is this curiosity, or am I becoming a patient as well?' We walked into what looked like the main living room, and I quickly glanced it over to see if it was safe to enter. When no apparent danger was present, I took Silva's gesture for me to sit down, and took place on the large couch.

'My apologies, I just heard from your son that she stopped working when he was born.' He silently asked me if I wanted a drink, but declined.

'He's not incorrect, she doesn't work fulltime anymore. But she's still very capable. How's Killua behaving lately?' He ultimately didn't take anything himself, and sat down comfortably in front of me. I had to say that with everything I know about keeping your profession a secret, I was slightly curious to seeing the complete layout of this house. But I kept that to myself,

'He's had trouble with Gon's death. He's become more outwardly hostile.'

'You mean this in a different way than he's been up 'till now?'

'Less physically violent, more verbal threats.'

'That's not good.' I inclined my head. The amount of attention this man could spread was impressive. He was equally aware of his surroundings and me, seemingly without effort.

'You've been through this before with him?'

'Four years ago. It took a while to get him back to normal.' _That was at the same age he dealt with Yellmi._ 'Didn't really expect any differently, it was his first job.'

'His first job?' _Was he..?_ The look in his eyes changed a little.

'Look, if anyone is aware of my son's bad acting ability, it's me. One way or the other, I expected him to drop too many hints. Especially in front of a Deliverer like you.'

'We're dropping the act then?' This was news to me. I could've expected him bringing it up right away though. If anything, this man has shown to be to the point.

'There's no real use for an act if we're both aware of the reason for the act.' I had to disagree on that,

'Except that we're in your domain, and any footage gained from our conversation can easily be manipulated to suit your purposes. Even though a lot of your work comes from us, I've been raised not to trust you.'

'Considering the history between our kinds, I'd say we have more reason to distrust you than the other way around.'

'This is true, but I'm not changing my words.' There was a short moment of silence before he gave his final reply,

'That's alright. I need to verify a couple of things though.'

'… …' Although outer appearances show nothing out of the ordinary, I'm being screened more thoroughly now than last week. I'm not showing anything, but I have the inkling that this man still looks down on me a little because I'm his junior. Not a conscious way of looking down, he's merely not treating me as an equal like he should when assessing someone. Had he already assessed me completely last week, then? I didn't think I'd given hints as to who I was.

'Was someone from the institution involved in Gon's death?' Again, straight to the point.

'No.'

'Is he really dead?'

'For as far as I'm aware of.' _His replacement should be cremated later today, either way._

'Who is Chrollo Lucilfer, and why haven't we been able to meet one of my son's psychologists yet?'

'Dr. Lucilfer is one of the top psychologists in our institution. He's someone who keeps himself busy with a lot of patients to keep his skills on edge. He doesn't have a lot of free time. Seeing as we're both on your son's case, he trusts me to handle contact with you.' The real reason eludes me as well though,

'… …'

'Is there anything else you like to know?' I asked when the silence stretched a little. With too much silence, there would be a greater chance of him seeing through me; non-verbal communication is harder to keep under control, even though it's a specialty of mine.

'No, it's fine, I know all I need to know.' He sat back more relaxed, but his focus remained exactly the same.

'You're not putting up new surveillance in mine and Dr. Lucilfer's homes anymore?' He laughed a little when I put something bluntly as well.

'I'm surprised you caught all of it, but no I'm not. It's served its purpose.' _And what purpose is that?_

'Your purpose was to confirm my other profession, and to get any information on Dr. Lucilfer?'

'… …' Silva Zoldyck is the definition of secrecy, isn't he.

'It's impossible to get information on him, his entire past up until he started working for the institution has been erased, and only the head knows of the how and why. I take it you also found out Machi won't be of much use, because they only met after she came to us?'

'She's an interesting woman.'

'She's skilled in what she does.'

'But let's get back on topic.'

'… …' It's not hard to guess that he's withholding a lot of information. But finding out what that is, is impossible for me at this point. Him and Chrollo could get along well.

'What are your goals for Killua now? Because my son only says so much.' At this point there was only one answer to give. If I'd lie to him and tell him we're still working on stopping him to be a killer, then he's going to become more relentless in discrediting the entire institution.

'We're socially stabilizing him so he won't make any mistakes again as soon as we let him go. Hopefully by the end of June.'

'… … You've gone through more than Deliverer's training, you take calculated risks most of you don't. In fact, most Deliverers won't take half the risk your taking right now. You're aware of the consequences if I'd catch you lying to me.' I cocked my head when I felt the threat reach me, but brushed it off.

'I haven't been lying about anything.'

'Tell me if you ever feel the need for a change in working environment.' Was that the way he was looking down on me? He looked at me more as a potential disciple than his son's psychologist? It's impossible to determine if he's earnest in giving this offer to a Deliverer though – even if he's impressed - but I decided to play along in it.

'Thank you for the offer, but I'm not planning on changing professions.' Having two at the same time is all I need. I don't share their need to kill – my "need" lies in control.

'Too bad you're on their side.'

'I need to ask you something as well.'

'Alright.'

'What was there to see on Dr. Lucilfer's footage.' He huffed amusedly when I asked the question.

'You really don't know anything about him, do you.'

'I've already said this.' I tilted my head a little,

'Why do you want to know? If the head of your institution is keeping it to himself, don't you trust his judgment?' Lack of respect for authority seemed to irk him a little,

'Because Dr. Lucilfer's impeding my work, and I'd like to stop that.'

'Want us to take care of it?' If I'd give this permission, it would go against Zeno, I'm not letting him take control.

'I'll do it myself. What was on the footage.'

'We'll take care of it.' They most probably don't know anything. Although I can't detect a lie from him, it doesn't matter either way. I'd rather take care of Chrollo myself, but if the goal is met in the end, then I have no objections.

'I can't stop you from doing this, but I still object.' I still have to give the safe answer though.

'It really is a shame you don't want to join us.'

'There's another level 5 at our institution who would benefit from your offer.'

'No. We are aware of Feitan's existence, he's better off where he is now.' I quirked an eyebrow, but saw in the look of his eyes that the subject was better left untouched. Although Killua is bad at keeping secrets to himself compared to his parents, Zeno is right; these people won't show anything they don't want shown. That Silva was actually showing a sort of familiarity with me was bothering me though. It was a feeling of entrapment.

* * *

_This early in the morning, with nothing but this psycho redhead in front of me to keep me company, I realized I'd made the wrong move. Without enough sleep I won't be able to keep my wits about myself when everything's gonna happen – Hisoka's probably right on this. Although it's more fun just delivering Illumi to Chrollo in a trigger, I can't refuse this request from my dad._

_'You lose again.' I scoffed when Hisoka lay his cards down to reveal another victory. Not that my attention really was with the card game, I still didn't like losing to the likes of him. 'You'll need more focus if you want to succeed tomorrow.' I could've gone back to sleep, but with Hisoka watching, my instincts tell me not to let my guard down._

_I picked up all the cards again, and started shuffling without giving him any more attention than needed._

_'I wonder…' Yeah, you just keep wondering. '…what is it that bothers you the most?' He paused a second, and ignored my hand movement in favor of trying to catch my eyes, 'There's Illumi that looks like an old kill of yours, but has a different personality. There's our dangerous pasts and invasive thinking. There's our fighting skills that lay higher than yours. There's your lack of control, us taking care of Gon, and not giving you a chance to say goodbye. And most of all there's this conflicting feeling that you actually need the ones you want to avoid. If I were you, what would bother me the most?'_

_'Your turn.' But you guys've never confirmed Yellmi's personality was different, did you? Just his looks. It wasn't like I knew him for that long either way, like hell I knew what his personality had been like._

_'Ah~ I think I know!' That he kept having the upper hand in these games meant I was probably more occupied with other things than he was… that wasn't good._

_'Say it_ after _your turn.'_

_'You regret not killing Ging.' I squinted my eyes at him, but didn't get the time to refute it, 'If you'd killed him properly, Gon would never have known it was you, and you would've kept both your lives. Your parents would've thought Gon doesn't mean as much to you as they reckoned. Ging isn't even home that much either way, the practical impact on Gon's life would've been minimal, and so would've been your guilt. Things would've been easier for you if Ging was dead. That selfish thought must be eating you up inside.' I couldn't stand the pleasure in his voice while he was saying all of this, nor that he could be right. But I kept it all inside; both my breathing, my heartbeat, and my voice didn't change when I continued,_

_'Are you going to play, or aren't you?' His grin widened either way. He's been right with what he's told me about everything. So that he apparently knew what was going to happen tomorrow and I didn't, put me on edge. You need to stop existing, Hisoka._

* * *

'It's been a while since we had session alone.' Killua walked around the room leisurely, pretending not to give me any attention. It was pretty clear I was the only object in the room for him though – he doesn't share the breadth of his father's focus.

I simply followed him with my eyes. The conversation with Silva hadn't pushed me as far as I'd expected, and I was wary of that. I need to push it to the back of my mind completely right now.

'Do you want to start with talking about how it feels to be home?'

'By now you can deduct that for yourself, can't you? I don't need to answer that.'

'Say it yourself.' It was true, but there was little reason for these sessions if the emphasis wouldn't be on the actual patient. He turned around on his heel and pocketed his hands, giving me a bored look when he answered,

'It's not much of a change. Freedom here and freedom there is the same. Ultimately I'm going to come here again anyway. The only difference is the slight feeling of nostalgia upon recognition of an environment I've spent all my life.'

'You've been raised to put no value in surrounding.'

'Yup.'

'Wouldn't you say there is a large difference because of the different people surrounding you in these two places?' I leant my elbow on the armrest of this large chair and leant my head on my hand. At first sight I'd already seen a lot of surveillance possibilities. But I'd filled the extra half hour without any problems, so it should be alright. Silva has given me too much to decipher though.

'I've also been raised not to put value in that either.' He turned around and started walking again.

'I'm convinced you have been. I'm also convinced that it doesn't reach so far that it's completely eliminated having an influence on you.'

'What makes you think that?'

'What do you think?' He gave me a slightly hostile look when I bounced the question back, but quickly let it go again,

'The way I behaved in the first couple of weeks.'

'How did you behave?' He sighed deeply, he doesn't want to think about that.

'You're really digging up those useless things?'

'It's not your call if it's useless.' He shrugged and walked to the back of the chair in front of me before answering.

'I was thrashing the place.'

'And?'

'And what?'

'You're still doing that now. What makes you think that's a reaction to being around different people?'

'Well what is it then?'

'You haven't noticed the difference between being around your parents and being around us?' I inclined my head a little. Surely he must've noticed at least this much. He leant his arms on the backrest and lay his head down on it, seemingly thinking about it. I decided to take the lead when the silence stretched too long. 'The reason for your thrashing changed. At first you were genuinely upset because of your situation – we were neither family, friend nor enemy. You don't know how to behave to that. Now that we've become clear enemies for you, you've become calmer. You need a definition to be able to interact.' Although confused in the first couple of weeks, he did experience more freedom than he'd ever had in his life. This was also one of the reasons he couldn't handle himself back then. He still can't.

Killua just shrugged and looked away, agreeing with the explanation.

'Sit down.'

'Why should I.'

'You've been trained to multitask, but you walking around and talking still reduces effectiveness of our conversation. So if you want to get out of this institution sooner, sit down.' He shrugged again before standing back up straight, and using the backrest to jump over it and take a seat.

'This close and quiet enough?' I noticed – even though he was trying his best to hide it – that the tension in his body had increased a little. He was starting to prepare himself to start seducing me already.

'How important is it for you to have a definition for people in order to interact?'

'I usually have one for them in a minute, doesn't really matter.'

'Usually isn't always, answer the question.' He pouted before answering.

'Very important.'

'What if we take that importance away from you, what would happen?'

'I wouldn't freak out anymore when I meet people like you.'

'That's favorable for you, isn't it?'

'What makes you even think I've marked you as an enemy?' I raised an eyebrow. It was very clear he was trying to deliver me to his parents, but I can't bring that up in case Hisoka and Chrollo were still working on surveillance.

'You have attempted to break my bones on several occasions, have attempted to do the same with Hisoka, have destroyed our offices… If this is your way of showing friendship, then I felt sorry for Gon.' He gave me a short glare for bringing that up. He was trying to bring the subject to making advances on me. It had to happen, so it was best to play along in it a little. 'Of course all of this can be contributed to your confusion as well, or perhaps experiencing some kind of emotion you're not used to.' Next to the hostility, this is actually true. Although he's been trying to suppress it, unintentionally in his panic and lack of acting skills, he's been starting to form a kind of bond in the place where he had more freedom. At the very least with me. We still don't know what happened when he killed Yellmi that made him so sensitive to my presence, but he was still far from letting it go.

'… …' he gave me a look I couldn't entirely place after having said that. I cocked my head,

'Are you contemplating if this can be true?' He jumped up from his chair at that point. I looked up at him, and waited until he responded. Instead, at a certain point I saw his facial expression and demeanor change. _He's going to be blunt about it. I'll intercept._ 'What kind of emotion besides fear, hate, regret and all that could you be feeling in your current situation?'

'I'm thinking about stuff that happened outside of session.'

'Are you talking about physical training or something else.'

'The something else.' He was looking… threatening.

'We're not talking about that now.'

'Then when are we?'

'After session.'

'You say that all the time.'

'If it will get you to stop bothering me about it then I—'

'I like you.' I sighed a little when it still came out as bluntly as that. So much for your preparation up until now.

'This is new. In what way?'

'In the way of that "something else."'

'Why are you bringing that up now? What do you expect me to do with this?'

'Force you to finally talk about it.' Everything about him was spelling that he was entirely sure surveillance was still on in this room, and that whatever my next course action, he would get to me. Either I voluntarily step into it, or I risk him using a trick to trigger me. The controlled situation is the better one, then.

The best way to make this backfire for him, is if he actually gets what he's asking for. I gave him a long look of silence to make it look like I was contemplating this.

'Your parents said there was no-one watching this room?' He nodded lightly. 'That's an obvious lie, but this session will go nowhere unless we treat this, will it. It's arrogant of you to ask this of me, this is putting my profession at risk.' I leaned forward a bit, 'I will take all the surveillance footage of today back with me.'

'I've turned off the remaining surveillance in the time you were talking with my dad, you're not risking anything.' That came out more sneaky than he'd probably intended, but apparently it was useless to drag this on any longer than needed. I just lifted my hand and motioned him to come closer.

'Come here.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AW FUCKING YEA I MADE IT
> 
> *heaves from the marathon she's been running up until now*  
> *lifts her hand and points back up to the starting point with her arm shaking* I now politely point you back to chapter 1 to reread it if you so please. Because that will take place between this and the next chapter
> 
> I can now  
> Finally Continue on with the second part of this story.  
> THANK YOU ALL FOR STICKING WITH ME SO FAR  
> *falls dead for now*  
> *resurrect me in a couple o'days, 'kay?*


	27. Monday 21st part2 - Once, I had a dream

_That… wasn't exactly how it was supposed to happen._

Why did I freeze at the point I was supposed to keep him here? It was the perfect moment, I could've drawn him into a trigger easily enough. Why did I let him take a break from it and stalk off to the bathroom where he can recuperate? Why is my hand shaking a little?

'God _damnit_!' I punched the chair a little too hard, and I left a hole halfway through it. Why can't I just get up and follow that stupid long-haired freak to finish what I came here to do?!

 _Goddamn it Hisoka, I will_ not _let you be right about today!_

I got up from the chair and fixed my clothes, taking a couple of deep breaths and convincing myself I could do this. _I'm used to physical contact, this isn't anything different, it just hurts less…_

… …

Well that was an understa-

'Damn it!' I hit myself on the head when my body started instantly recalling what just happened. My focus really is in shambles, but I need to get over to Illumi before he gets the time to recover – that's all the focus I need. It's only been two minutes, I should still be able to-

… I stopped when I noticed my hand was still shaking a little, and I looked down at it. Why was this bothering me so much?

No, I can't think about that now, I need to-

'I will have to stop you with what you're about to do.' I jumped around in a split second when I heard a known voice, and saw Chrollo standing by the door. I narrowed my eyes at him,

'What're _you_ doing here?' And when did you walk in without me noticing.

'I'm your lead psychologist, I don't need any more reason than that, do I?'

'Done taking out all the surveillance already?'

'We haven't taken out anything.' Although strange, I don't have time for him, I need to go to Illumi. _I'll worry about your actions another time._

I hmph'ed at him before turning back around and started walking.

'I still can't let you do that.'

'If I trigger Illumi, you'll have him all to yourself. You can also just do it yourself, if you want to.' I lazily raised a hand and my voice, but didn't stop walking.

'I'm afraid I'll have to take more drastic measures if you want to walk through that door.' _This didn't make one goddamn sense._ I stopped and turned my head to look at him,

'Why do you want me away from him?! These past few days all you've done is release me so I could do this!'

'That's not the reason.'

'So you wanted me to make him more unstable but keep me away when he's actually in trigger danger? Thought as much. Was weird that you let me near him after you said you wanted to keep us apart.' His face was still unchanging. As long as things go according to his plan, his expression will not change. It was too early to deliver Illumi to Chrollo either way – seeing as Chrollo has to believe he'll own Illumi afterwards, else I won't be able to take him down – but I still needed to finish this for my parents.

'It's not a good idea to keep walking.'

'I'm hearing empty threats, I'm not letting you stop me from finishing this.'

'Let me ask you one thing then. If your parents would know that our main objective is simply to make you more stable to do what you do, would they still want to frame me and Illumi?' That made me stop dead in my tracks. 'The reason they were so opposed to us in the first place, was because they believed we would bring you to a point where you wouldn't be able to kill anymore, and that's highly inconvenient for them. What if either Illumi before this started, or me just now, have told them our main objective for you at this point?' I felt my hand started shaking again, and heard Chrollo's footsteps quietly and calmly coming closer.

'They wouldn't have a reason anymore.'

'But you yourself still have reasons left to get out early, don't you?'

'… …' I couldn't answer it out loud, but I know he's aware of it. I need to get out early to become official, to be able to "kill" Gon's family as well, after that making sure they can get out as quickly as possible. But my parents don't have the reason anymore… one of the main motivators to go through with everything today _was_ because I don't want to tell them there's no reason left. I would have to sit out the remaining five months, and Gon would be all alone during that time.

I can't do that to him…

'Seeing as you're in complete mission-mode, clenching your fist means there's very strong emotions connected to this, aren't there? Doesn't that impair your education to become an assassin? You've been highly emotional from the start of your treatment.' _You know damn well why that is._ He stopped about a foot away from me, I just kept staring at the door through which Illumi had disappeared. It was way too quiet in there for him to be having a trigger…

'Why did you come here?' I asked as calmly as I was taught,

'I'm ending the session. I just want to clarify one thing before we're taking you back.'

'You're taking me back early?'

'We already have permission for that. Your father will drive you back.' I pocketed my fisted hand as well.

'Why is it so important that I don't walk in that door.'

'That's of no concern to you.' _I was starting to get real pissed at those words._ 'I just want to say one thing before we leave, because it is less trouble if anything here is wrecked than at the institution.' _Well you're being frank…_ 'I find it interesting that you just blindly trust that we've hidden Gon for you. Why wouldn't we simply kill him?' _Goddamnit you're saying this under surveillance of my parents on purpose…!_

 _That's_ why he shallowed his questions over the last week, hadn't he? So that unintentionally I would become dulled to him. Even just a little…

'You'd be stupid to do that, I would have no reason not to kill you right now if you'd done that. You're clearly provoking, I could make it self-defense.' _I can't exactly lie to my parents, and prolonged silence is suspicious to them as well… you've fucking driven me into an impossible corner._

'Next to you not being able to kill me, and your father not intervening because there's no reason to - killing Gon and triggering you to out all of your anger at once, is actually favorable for all of us to start with you as a clean slate; to erase the emotional experiences with Gon. So my real question is, do you believe we've hidden Gon because of logic, or because you trust us even though you don't want to?' _He's joking, he's manipulating me, he's always manipulating me and now's probably not an exception._ There's a 50/50 chance Gon's still alive, but I still think the institution wouldn't let them kill him off just like that. _I know this, but it won't spread from my brain to the rest of my body._

'There's no reason to trust someone who doesn't show anything of himself.'

'There's no logic concerning Gon's survival either.' I felt my hand started shaking for a whole different reason. _I can't think about Gon being dead, it will give them full control over me, and my parents will have free reign again as well… I just want to live my own goddamn life!_

'I suggest you step away before you hurt yourself.'

'You have to understand that it doesn't matter how angry you will get at me, and as such I don't care about it. You are by no means a physical or psychological threat to me.' I huffed before taking a deep breath and letting some tension go. I know I'm no match, but that doesn't stop me from bashing your face in…

'You are so out of your league right now…' I let out a short laugh,

'Why am I out of your lea-' Within a second I'd turned around and extended my nails to scratch the bare skin on his hand. He'd evaded easily enough, but I diverted direction to counter his movement, and was able to scratch along his side a little. It wasn't deep, but he did back away a step. He felt the place where this had happened, and calmly smiled at me; the intensity of his attention increasing.

'You've been training a lot with Illumi, I should've seen this coming.' _Well, I'm quicker than I'd anticipated._

'That's not the only thing you should've seen coming.' I opened my other hand to him and showed the needles in it that I'd had in my pocket. 'There seems to be one missing.' I looked at him when he checked the side I hadn't aimed at, and pulled a thin needle out of his body.

'It's dangerous to give your weapon to the enemy.' He held it up in between his fingers, ready to use it against me.

'I don't think Zeno will appreciate you using that on me.' I grinned at him,

'For the state you're now in, there's little needed to convince him it's the best course of action.'

'Go ahead then, see if you can.' I spread my arms out wide, but the waiting took too long, and I stretched out my hand first. Immediately I noticed he was way too quick for me, but that didn't matter.

The split second before he stuck the needle in my arm to make me drop my remaining weapons, the expected intervention came; Chrollo's arm was pulled down and away forcibly before being thrown a couple feet through the air – landing as well as he could close to a large cabinet. I hadn't heard a crack – except with the furniture - but his body won't feel well after that sudden change in direction.

'You played it out and said it all like that to lure your father here, I'm impressed.' Dad looked down on him, standing in between us. 'Giving me a weapon, luring me into using force that would break you. Well played.'

'You're misunderstanding.' Dad spoke up the moment Chrollo collected himself from the ground, checking his shoulder. Unfortunately it didn't seem broken or dislocated. 'Killua is not capable of luring me. Some of the needles he's using have a poison he's not yet accustomed to. He's not aware of that.' He looked back at me with a reprimanding look that I'd chosen these weapons in the half hour I'd been left alone.

Reason for this attack was though, that dad had asked me to use this opportunity to call out Chrollo as well. Possibly provoking him so he'd get himself removed from the case. _That these needles had an unknown poison was news to me._ He'll have to get an antidote for that, then.

_Or maybe not, takes care of the problem as well._

But with Illumi in a trigger situation, Chrollo would never be far off… it was the only "weakness" we'd found to lure him out.

This was their first time face to face.

'I'm not above any of you using physical force on Killua, but you were about to break the one rule given to you and I'm not letting you near my son again if you are that untrustworthy.'

'Fair enough.' He wiped away a small trickle of blood in the corner of his lips, and still approached the situation with the calm I've always seen. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was a robot.

I know better though.

I know my family.

'I will remove myself from the case. I will discuss it all this afternoon.' Why was Illumi still holed up in the bathroom, by the way? It doesn't sound like he's in a trigger, and all the noise out here must've caused _some_ curiosity. I glanced towards the door, but there was really nothing happening there. 'If Zeno's ruling is the same as your father's, it's been a pleasure working on your case.' I looked back when he addressed me, and bowed a little before dad promised him medicine and he excused himself. Getting him off the case was one thing, I don't think my dad is done with this guy just yet. _Well that's good, 'cos neither am I._ Unknown motives are a dangerous thing in our world when the opponent is of considerable strength and/or wit, he _will_ be taken down one way or the other.

Well, either way nothing much changes for me. I'm still taking all of them down as soon as I get the chance. This happening just now just means my parents will be off my back for a while and I can do what I want to them.

The moment I got my dad's full attention again, I suddenly got the chilling feeling that wasn't the case though, and as soon as I looked in his eyes, I knew this for certain,

'Killua, you're not getting out of that institution until those six months are up. I am well aware of your plans by now.'

'… Alright.' I wanted to lie and deny, but I was in front of the one person who'd see through it in an instant. This was too cruel…

'You will listen to Illumi and cooperate. If I ever hear that you are not, you will have me to answer to. Is that clear?'

'…Yes.' I looked down and away, I didn't want him to see the emotion starting to surface in my eyes.

'Don't beat yourself up over it.' He lay a hand on top of my head, and I lifted my head a little, 'I'm actually proud that you made it so far without us detecting all of it. You'll make it far even without the reputation of the youngest official.'

'Thank you.' He gave me a short smile, but I've learned not to read too much into that. I pushed his arm away when he started ruffling my hair.

Even with my apparent skills, Gon will still be alone for at least five months, and so will his family.

I have to convince myself he's not dead at this point. I have to be going through all of this for something. I'm going to snap if every single one of my personal desires is taken from me…

'Ging will be out of the hospital soon, but he will be dead if I ever notice you still have a connection to Gon, do you understand this?'

'I do.' I'd be put back on that mission in a heartbeat.

'Then I will now drive you back. Get going.'

'Shouldn't I-' I stopped talking as soon as I understood it myself. There's no need anymore to get my shrinks off my case, we could just let Illumi be. In the end, me provoking Chrollo had been unnecessary, and everything I did just now to get Illumi in a trigger as well…

I raised a hand to my mouth thinking back on it. _That's it, that's fucking it, I've done all of this for nothing… everything…_

'Let's go.' Dad gave me a couple of seconds to respond before walking on ahead. 'There will be times when all of your effort will amount to nothing. It's good to get used to the feeling.' I walked after him, trying to keep it all inside the best I could and push the emotions away, but it was hard…

_All of this…_

_The whole past month…_

_I've actually lost everything now…_

* * *

'Well you're not the person I was expecting to see.' It had taken me a couple of minutes, but in the end I'd been able to subdue the trigger completely. Killua would not be able to provoke me anymore at this point.

But it wasn't my patient sitting in the room when I returned,

'Hm~ I bet you weren't.' I was greeted by an incredibly silent room with Hisoka standing near the chair, calmly reading through a book. He started slowly walking around, keeping his attention mainly on reading, but I saw his smile already growing.

'Where's Killua.' I stepped inside a little further, and quickly glanced around to see if anything else had changed, but it was only the company,

'Back to the institution, he's being driven by his father. Oh, and dr. Lucilfer has a chance of being pulled off the case.' I stopped walking at that point, and crossed my arms loosely in front of me, following the redhead with my eyes.

'All of this happened in five minutes?' It was possible, but highly unlikely. He gleamed up at me when I said it though, and I cocked my head.

'My dear Illumi, I do believe you have to try better in covering for your triggers than that.' His full attention had found its way towards me. He was being vague though; it irritated me and I raised my voice a little,

'Don't talk around it, what do you mean.'

'Do you see that clock next to the door.' He pointed behind him with his free hand at the antique standing clock, and I was surprised to see that more than half an hour had passed. _That's not possible, I always know when I'm in a trigger, and even when I'm in one I never lose track of time._ 'I believe the last time I saw this kind of surprise with you was four years ago, wasn't it? Didn't notice you were in a trigger?' He dropped his hand again. This isn't good. Apparently I'm losing control over it, I thought I was gaining control… 'A leave of absence from this case would most likely be a good thing for you as well. But that would leave dear Killua-kun in my hands, wouldn't it? I do think it's favorable if you continue on his case.' He closed his book and lay it on the table before taking a couple of steps towards me.

'If he's having this kind of effect on me it is better to find out why instead of walking away from it. I can't go back to my old profession if there's still people out there able to do something like this. And you are too amused by this.' I ended with that when he got close enough to ghost his fingers along the collar of my shirt. He chuckled when I mentioned it, but it took him a couple of moments to drop his hand again.

'You have no idea about the amount of restraint I'm exerting now… but I will stay away. The Zoldyck's mansion is hardly the place for what I want to do with you…' He took a small step back and looked up from my neck to my eyes. 'What are your plans for Killua from now on if Chrollo is indeed taken off the case?'

'You believe he won't be?' His tone was insinuating so,

'I believe Zeno wants to promote your continuous cooperation.'

'After having put a restraint on our contact in the first place? Don't be ridiculous.'

'Yes.' This brought me back to the first question I ever had about this case though; why has Zeno put me on this with Chrollo in the first place? 'If he'd acted according to the book with you two, he would've separated you long ago, you know this.' He tapped on his cheek that I had something there, and reached up to dap away a small drop of blood. Well there's the evidence of a trigger.

'That's true. I'd rather have Chrollo off this case, but next to my personal wishes not meaning anything, he won't let me go either way. So in the end it doesn't really matter.' For some odd reason we're bound together until either of our issues is resolved. 'You're still not helping in keeping him away?' He grinned and shook his head slowly before turning around. 'Mah, shouldn't have expected that in the first place. You only serve yourself.'

'You're catching on.' He raised his hand for a second when he said that, then picked the book up again to put it away.

'Speaking of which, have you taken care of surveillance?' I walked towards the chair to pick up my jacket,

'No need.' I turned to look at his back, searching my mind for an answer for a second.

It didn't take long to put the pieces together.

It seems I have said the right things to Silva today. There's no need anymore to get us off the case, Silva won't make use of the images gained.

'Ah. That saves you a lot of work.'

'I will be busy with Feitan the next couple of weeks, I wouldn't say I have any free time anyway.'

'Should I still keep an eye on Killua that he stays away from him?'

'No need.' Hisoka followed me out the door of the room, and out of the house as well. It should be completely devoid of people now.

'Why not?'

'He's been thoroughly broken by our dear Dr. Lucilfer and Silva. I'll tell you a~ll about it with pleasure.' He waited on the other side of my car until I unlocked it. The combination of his narrowed eyes and wide grin told me I wasn't going to hear everything. Somehow I'll have to accept that about him, I can't force him into anything.

Well, there is one way, but I won't make an enemy of someone like him.

'Was it alright to leave the house open like this?'

'Don't worry, I've got this covered.' He reached down in his pocket for a second before showing me the two keys he'd apparently gotten. I raised my brows when I saw that, and Hisoka liked that surprise with me.

'When have you gained enough trust from Silva that he's given you that?'

No answer.

* * *

After a couple of minutes alone with my thoughts, I realized that still everything Chrollo had done, had been according to his plan. He knew. He knew of the plan to lure him out and he took me down with him. Merely by saying all those things to me on camera just now, dad had found out about my plans. It doesn't matter to that shrink whether he's on the case or not, he will still be able to get to Illumi, and he will still be able to keep us apart whenever he wants it; he plays the game of manipulation too well.

I don't think dad's unaware of this either, but it just makes me realize how much real professionals are out of my league. Perhaps dad was right, I've been so preoccupied with my emotions ever since I've met Gon, that my mental training has slowed down. I want both lives to be able to co-exist, but I need too much time to make that work, don't I? I can't get that far in the time I'd planned out.

'You'll leave Dr. Lucilfer to us from now on, understood?' I nodded absentmindedly, not averting my eyes from infinity outside of the window. I wasn't exactly registering anything of the outside world though. I was doing my best to understand and suppress the situation. I need to be clear when continuing the sessions. From now on I will be "prepped" to keep my head up psychologically, and learn the poker face all these guys seem to have. If I want to keep sane during any of it, I need to step away from these feelings of uselessness for a while.

Easier said than done though.

'I'd rather have taught you what you're about to learn myself, but Illumi is a good second choice. Also, that move you pulled against Dr. Lucilfer is not something you learned from us. I approve of whoever is teaching you this.'

'Illumi.' He stayed silent for a second before responding,

'And you say you've also learned your sexual skills from him?'

'Yup.' My stomach still twisted in all kinds of knots thinking of all that I've done with that freak.

'Then it's a good thing we're here.' Slowly my senses came back to the real world when he braked and stopped in front of an abandoned house.

'This isn't the institution, why are we here?' _And where_ is _here?_

'Get out.' He turned off the engine and got out first. I followed his example, and looked up at the building. 'Do you know where we are?' I darted my eyes around a little to see if there were any street signs nearby, but I gave up quickly.

'No.'

'Go inside.' _Why?_

'Alright.' What was this all of a sudden? Won't the institution dislike this detour?

_Am I supposed to recognize this place?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well Killua is completely lost...  
> I feel a little bad putting him through all of this by now.  
> Oh, Illumi as well, by the way. He's in uncharted territory again for the first time in four years, with Hisoka as his best ally. That can't be easy either xD  
> But there you have it, the continuation of chapter 1.  
> I'M FREE!  
> I'M FREEEEEEEEE~!  
> *ahum*  
> So much plot coming up in my mind, I'm so excited ~(^.^)~
> 
> Oh, and you'll probably see a lot of Nightwish titles next couple of chapters, by the way. I'm kinda rediscovering them atm xD


	28. Monday part 3 - You only see what your eyes want to see

'Why am I here?' I pushed the door open, which barely stayed on its hinges, and walked in, looking around the empty and dusty room. Well, not entirely empty. There were still chairs and a couch, but not much more. I was wrecking my brain trying to figure out the answer to my own question. Should I recognize it? Was there some kind of training going to take place here? Wouldn't be the first time we'd use an abandoned place, but we didn't really have the time or space for a training like that right now.

Training sessions like that are waiting games. I reckon if we're not back within a couple of hours, we'll be hunted. And that's not exactly dad's intention.

'Go upstairs.' I obediently walked up the stairs, and saw a hallway lined with two doors left and two right, one behind me which was either a bathroom, or it led to some kind of attic.

'Second door to the left.' _What are you trying to do, dad?_ Still I just walked towards it and opened without hesitation. Looking inside it, I took a step to cross the threshold but still only saw an old, wooden double bed standing in a corner at the far end of the wall. The window was just as dusty as the rest, the only deviant here was that it seemed it used to be sealed with some kind of metal plates. There was still a bolt left in the wall, and a whole lot of holes. Seeing how bent that single bolt was, the metal plates had probably been ripped out.

I walked towards it to take a closer look. I was still clueless, but if I won't analyze the situation by myself, I will never know anything about it. Dad has this knack of not telling me anything, just giving me hints.

I traced my fingers along the holes, and heard him stopping in the doorframe. Seems that my first assumption had been correct, there were a lot scratch marks surrounding the window. Those seemed to be limited to human made, no tools had been used. Blood here and there suggested a lot of desperation to get out as well.

When I looked around, I saw the same kind of damage surrounding the doorframe as well. Pushing down on the bed, it protested heavily. Either someone had been kept here for a long time, or there had been quite a lot of struggles. Usually the only furniture in the room is the victim in those matters. Nearly cracked in the middle, but the dusty mattress still showed signs of the person having been locked up in here.

Person?

Looking at it from a different angle, it looked more like two person _s_ had been held captive here. So even though they struggled, they noticed the best way to get through it was to not abandon each other?

I looked around the other walls for more clues. Not necessarily scratches to indicate a timeframe, but just some kind of intended or unintended message. I reckoned that message was why I was brought here.

The ceiling was devoid of damage, the walls had dents here and there where other struggles must have taken place. Seeing as how deep some of those were, desperation really had been great…

But there was no real message to derive from that. Only that apparently no-one's head had been bashed in – there were no dents above the height of 1m40. It was either that, or the people kept captive here were children. But the size of the indent on the mattress indicated there had been at least one adult.

I traced my fingers along these dents in the walls, back to the bed. I leant down and looked under it,

'What are your findings?' This was a test of observation skill? I looked back up at my dad to respond,

'Two people have been held captive here for an extended period of time. This house has been abandoned for a couple of years, but the dent still existing on the bed indicates they'd been kept here for at least two weeks. Perhaps even a month. There was a lot of desperation, not necessarily hostility. They could still share a bed, after all. In the end one of the two found the strength to rip the bolts off the metal plated window.'

'What makes you say they didn't work together on that?'

'All the scratches have the same profile, and they weren't twins 'cos the sizes on the bed differ.'

'What more are you seeing?'

'Their captor had no intention of ever letting them go.'

'Why would you think that?'

'If there's as much desperation as there's been here, if their captor had given an indication that they could be released someday, it's abnormal that no-one kept count of the time spent here.'

'They could've lost track of time because of the sealed windows.'

'No, there was a source of light in here. There are no signs of blind struggle. Considering this bare room, it most probably wasn't electric. There was a sliver of light coming through the metal plates.'

'Explain.'

'Next to a slight discoloration on the floor, this bed,' I ticked the back of my hand against the creaking wood, '…is weak. This was on purpose so they couldn't use it to escape. Everything inside here was weak, except for the bolting on those metal plates.' I pointed my thumb up at the window, 'I've seen those bolts before, also the holes they've left. It wouldn't have mattered if a small sliver of light could go through it, they wouldn't be able to bend or remove them anyway. Besides, at the same time it gave them some air to survive. Their captor would never have bothered to give them something electric considering this space and circumstances. Apparently with that small air gap he just wanted to prolong their torture.' He nodded approvingly. 'That one captive must have had a hell of a reserve in desperation that he could rip it loose. Must have taken a while for those arms and hands to heal afterwards. Neither of them seem to have died here, by the way.'

'Your reason for thinking this?'

'The smell of death lingers, you've made sure I could recognize that anywhere, and there's nothing here, there never was. They escaped, and sometime after someone kicked out the metal plates covering the door as well. Most probably you, right?'

'What makes you say that?'

'I'm looking for a reason of why I'm here, but I haven't found it yet. Did you know the captives or captor? What is our relation to this place? Or is this just observational training?' He kept quiet when I asked this, and after a couple of seconds, I continued the search. Looking back under the bed, I understood why he'd stopped me just now. Else I would've been too focused on the small box in the far away corner. I almost disappeared under the bed completely before emerging with it. I leaned back against the side of the bed, and blew the dust off it. Why would they have left something here? They didn't have anything to begin with, right?

'I take it I don't need to ask the question?'

'They would never return to such a horrible place, so obviously this was left for someone else to find. Perhaps the captives left this for the captor. If that's the case, it's not a smart thing to open it. There could be something lethal in there. There's little chance it's from the captor himself, after all the measures taken he wouldn't have bothered returning here. There's also no sign of cameras having been placed anywhere. Torture was apparently their main goal. They wanted these two people to suffer.' I dusted off my hair a little before turning the small, cube shaped, metal box around in my hands. It was barely the size of my palm, but it felt heavy for its size. Shaking it very carefully in my hand, there seemed to be come kind of liquid in it. On what I assumed to be the top of it, there was a picture of some kind of spider. This one had twelve legs though. Some kind of logo? Group sign? Family crest? Indication to the danger inside of it?

'Take it with you.' I looked back up at him when he stepped inside the room. 'Examine it whenever you can.'

'They won't let me take something like this with me into the institution.' I held it up in demonstration.

'Don't worry, I've already arranged the exception for that.' I quirked an eyebrow when I heard that. Dad had already found this thing here, but placed it back for me to find on my own. Why have I just examined this room?

'Is there any other meaning than me finding this, that we took the detour? Or have I already lived up to expectations?'

'Remember everything you've deducted today, that's all.' He turned around at that point, and I stood up to follow him out of this strange house. Looking back on it, I had to admit there was still the question what kind of escape actually happened. Those struggles at the metal plates for the windows could also have been futile and someone else removed them at a later time. Then the rescue had been from the one able to bash in the door.

Either way, something gruesome had been happening there, and it's usually captors like that that we get hired to assassinate. I wonder if we've already done so. This little spider box still is a mystery to me though.

I looked at it one last time before pocketing it and stepping back in the car to ride back. At the very least I'd been distracted from my situation for a while. If I can just constantly do that, I won't have to think about the only bit of humanity I have left whittling away somewhere I can't find him.

* * *

_"I will not remove Chrollo from the case."_

_"If you want to be treated as children, then I will treat you that way. Both of you are not leaving this room until something is resolved."_

_"And Illumi, I expect you to have more trust in my decisions, I am well aware of the happenings amongst my employees."_

In the end I had been the one being scolded by Zeno. I suppose as long as no-one physically attacks Killua, he's prepared to give a lot of leeway. I did almost get removed from the case when I attacked Chrollo and Hisoka though, so any violence aimed to break is the boundary, is it.

'We're not going to talk?' I looked back from the window to Chrollo sitting on the couch in front of me. It was quiet in here, but I did notice the surveillance having been turned on. This in case we were about to kill each other, most probably.

'Your intention was to destabilize me by using Killua, using your conversation with Machi as a distraction to make him think he wasn't being used. You would then take over when the time was right. That moment wasn't this morning. This morning your plan was to make sure Killua would confess to his own plans – the only way his parents would honestly believe him and get them off of our case. You didn't care about the consequences, because on or off this case, you still have a plan to ensnare me into wherever your plan is supposed to lead. It's not where my greatest interest lies; my interest lies in if Zeno knows all this, why he's creating the environment to let it play out but with restrictions.'

'I haven't heard you theorize like that in a while.' His lips upturned a little. 'If I'd continue on your way of thinking, I'd say Zeno is caring about you. If he would try to destroy you, there's easier ways for him as head of the institution. But he's putting you in "dangerous" situations, with safeties protecting you from devastation. I'd say you're in quite the advantageous position, aren't you?'

'Then that would make you a tool to his means, and you would be disposed of as soon as his goal is met. There would be nothing in it for you, you would lose because he would never "give" me to you. So continuing on this train of thought, ultimately there's the question what _is_ in it for you. Apparently there's the chance your goal lies elsewhere. I'm not in the least surprised.'

'That is a possibility.'

'Seeing as there is a lot of secrecy – not only with you and Zeno, but with Hisoka as well – I am not going to find out your true goal until it's in front of me, am I.' He smiled again. 'It's either that, or you _do_ have a plan to avoid Zeno's detection when ensnaring me.'

'Both are equally plausible situations.'

'No they're not. Emphasis lays on your capture of me until it's clear what your alternative goal could be. However, for this Zeno indeed seems to have a safety net, so there's no use in focusing on that any longer. As long as you don't attempt to touch or trigger me, I have no problems continuing to work with you.' I leaned back in my chair when reaching this conclusion.

'Then there's no problem. You know I wouldn't do something as reckless as trying to break through Zeno's net. If I'd become too much of a threat, he'd make sure I wouldn't be able to come near you again, right?' I nodded slightly,

'So whatever your plan is, it won't include triggering me. As long as that's out of the way, working with you is educational for me.'

'You're still selling yourself short after all that's happened the past month.'

'I am not blind, there's a difference in our skills.' As soon as all of that had been said, a vocal silence fell in between us. This entire ordeal had only made Chrollo more incomprehensible. How does he plan on breaking through Zeno's nets? What is his history?Zeno would never simply hand me over to him, but I have doubts on how well he is in control of Chrollo.

'I am becoming more and more fascinating to you, aren't I?' I followed him with my eyes when he stood up and started slowly walking through the room. He is indeed high on the trigger scale for me. A slight touch would be enough by now. Most likely I'd go into a murder state of mind. 'You're fascinating as well. Although it is indeed true that I'm working within Zeno's nets, he hasn't told me anything about you. The same questions haunting Killua's mind, haunt me as well. How come Zeno hired you knowing you have a misfire in your head; why is there the combination of touch and intelligence needed? When was that connection made inside of you.'

'You don't need to know.' He stopped in front of me, and I was forced to look up at him. 'Just like I apparently don't need to know your motivations either.'

'It would indeed be an unfair trade, but I don't trade fair. That's not my way of doing.' No, you take without giving anything.

'Are we resolved? Because I have other things to do right now, and this conversation won't lead us anywhere.' Somewhere I could see his eyes were brimming with curiosity, but he still nodded and stepped away so I could leave. If Zeno is aware of everything happening, then I shouldn't have to worry about anything in this situation and merely let it play out. However, uncertainty is not something I accept in my life. I will have to take care of this.

'No attack? How boring.' I passed Hisoka on my way out of Zeno's office, and he started following me.

'Has Killua returned yet?'

'He should be here within half the hour.' He still refused to tell me why this wasn't anything to worry about. That Silva put trust in Hisoka most probably had something to do with Zeno's trust in him though.

'How will I find him?'

'He doesn't have his parents' support anymore to take us out, Chrollo has mentioned that Gon might as well be dead, his father knows of his plan and is forcing him to stay the next five months. I think you know how we'll find him.'

'Chrollo has mentioned the possibility of Gon's death?' That was annoying. With everything I'd allowed Killua to do, Chrollo had now crushed the trust that'd been built up. 'He's mistaken if he thinks a clean slate is what Killua needs at this point to make him more stable.' I heard a short laugh behind me, 'It will only drive him more towards his parents, and he will not have any control over his own life. That will make him a dead entity. Someone like that will snap as soon as someone else like Gon would appear. And hold your amusement to yourself, I am well aware of the irony of me saying a clean slate isn't the answer.'

'My apologies, I will—let you go to the reception.' Halfway his sentence my name was announced over the speakers that I had to retrieve Killua. Hisoka stopped in his tracks and didn't follow me when I passed him though. I felt his attention on me 'till I was completely out of sight; it was a strange mix of interest and amusement.

Turning the corner to the reception, I saw Silva and Killua standing there, waiting for me.

'I assume that taking a detour had also been approved by Zeno through authority given to Hisoka?' Silva gave a short nod to confirm this, and pushed his son forward a little by his back. Killua didn't take the time to look at me though, and just kept walking after passing me.

'My apologies for these situations. You understand I couldn't fully believe you by your words alone.' I inclined my head a little.

'There's no problem at all. I'm used to it, working here.' While I was talking with Killua, he must have contacted Zeno to confirm my intentions. 'I am sorry to inform though that Dr. Lucilfer has not been removed from the case.'

'Hm, I hadn't expected it. You will be leading from now on, I take it?'

'Most probably. You will hear when it's confirmed.' He gave me another short nod, and then hesitated a second to leave, asking me one last question,

'Is the information correct, that you've started working here three years ago?' I nodded and gave him a questioning look as to why he wanted to confirm this. 'Dr. Lucilfer came here a month later, didn't he?' I nodded again.

'There's no reason for us to lie about this.' The sharp look in his eyes told me he was about to investigate a dozen other questions for himself as soon as he walked out the door.

He just nodded in goodbye and turned around though.

"He's level-headed for a Mental Breaker. Of the ones I know, I have the least objection to him." It's what Hisoka told me he'd heard from Silva. It didn't come as a surprise to me, most Mental Breakers need their own minds fixed.

I still don't believe either Hisoka or Chrollo are merely Zeno's pawns to extract something from me though. They have personal interests and something to gain; else neither of them would do anything.

Time to check on Killua though.

* * *

_I'm tired._

It was all I could think of once I'd made it back to my room. I didn't even bother with going to the gym to destroy something, I didn't feel like it. All I wanted to do was throw myself on the bed and forget everything. Maybe after that some training. Won't be 'till late though, I need to have the place for myself.

When's the last time I actually felt like this? That the mental strain actually was too much… should be about eight years ago, right? It was the first time I'd almost bled to death, but my parents barely paid attention to it once it was over. That made it real fucking clear what my position in the family was. And it's not exactly fun to find this out when you're only six.

Things didn't change no matter what I did though, so I just accepted it and continued getting better in what they wanted me to do. 'Cos getting better meant having less of a chance of dying, and more chance to get my parents' attention. I feel a bit sorry for Alluka and Kalluto who're still stuck there, going through the same training I've had.

Heh.

Never thought I would actually consider being in this institution to be the better situation. Well if it's a choice between never having a dream of your own, or having your dream crushed… which actually _is_ the better place to be?

There's no chance anymore for me to leave early if dad's keeping tabs on me. The only thing I can do is ask Illumi to give messages to Gon. But I doubt he'll be willing to do that more than once. So if I get the opportunity, I better have the message ready.

I got the little spiderbox out of my pocket and held it above my head, turning it around so I could see the black inked marking. It was a strange thing. The ones that were thrown in that room to rot shouldn't have had anything on them considering their accomodation. So why had this been there? Had someone held it hidden somewhere inside them? It must've been precious though. It doesn't show any scratches that it might've been used to try and pry the metal plates off. The metal was completely clear.

So if it wasn't used for getting freedom back, it was most likely both the occupants knew of this thing. It's hard to keep something hidden in that room for longer than a couple of days. This means both the captives valued it or its contents. This gives rise to the possibility that they knew each other or at the very least valued each other. Else either of them would've surely tried to save their lives with it. All the more peculiar that they'd left it behind there, by the way. Maybe it'd been important for their survival and they wanted to forget about that time in their lives.

Would those captives still know each other? Most probably not. Unless family, I don't think they'd want anything around them anymore that reminded them of their captivity.

'What's inside of you…' I softly whispered at it, turning it around and taking a careful look at all sides. I can't open this without some kind of protection. I'm not risking anything, I've learned quite well through the years in how many ways you can die. I'll just have to ask for permission for a safe environment as soon as I get the chance.

Well would you listen to that, me being obedient to my family once again. Do I even want to know what's inside of this box, or do I want to know because my dad told me to?

I never actually realized there was a difference in that until I became friends with Gon, did I? Being here hasn't exactly strayed me from that realization either, by the way. All that emphasis that lay on helping me break loose and find my own will… Mostly with Illumi though.

I seem to have stopped caring about his motives though. In the end it's clear it's not my mess. It's something that has to do with this institution, let them do whatever the hell they want to each other. I'll contact Kurapika to let him know I'm not keeping my shrinks apart anymore though. He's not a bad guy, I don't mind doing at least that.

I lay the spiderbox down on the pillow when there was a knock on the door, and swung my legs off the side, sitting up on the edge. At that moment a realization dawned on me though.

_There wasn't a reason anymore for them to keep Gon in hiding since they cracked me anyway, are they going to release him? Is Ging going to get killed?_

'Come in.' I anxiously responded, and saw Illumi's figure appear in the opening. I didn't look him directly in his eyes.

'My apologies that I've yet again failed to finish a session with you. I've heard everything that's happened from Hisoka. He has more of a connection with your father than I knew.'

'It's alright.'

'We'll finish the hours later today. Chrollo hasn't been taken off the case, but I will most likely be appointed the leading psychologist from now on.' Not that it made a whole lot of difference, Chrollo hasn't been involved with me as much as Illumi has – not by a long shot.

I nodded that this was okay for me, not really caring about any of it, and he stepped inside the room, closing the door behind him. At that point I did look up in his eyes; trying to warn him to step out of the room and leave me alone. I was by no means in the mood for company – _especially not with any of you._

'Where did your father take you before coming back here?'

'I will answer any and all questions later this afternoon.' I glared up at him, but he didn't back away. Instead he stepped a little closer and repeated his question. 'Why do you even want to know, it has nothing to do with my psychological health.'

'That's not for you to decide.' As soon as he inclined his head, I took a deep breath in the realization that he wasn't going to back down. So I asked my own question first,

'Then tell me, now that I'm gonna be here for another five months, and contact with Gon is destroyed whether I save his family or not, are you gonna put him back in the outside world again and let Ging be killed?' The question had come out confident, but I was feeling anything but. I didn't want to know the answer. Somewhere I couldn't help but believe that even after breaking my promise to bring his family to him, that he would abandon me. I just… I don't believe I deserve him. I need to let him go, I need to let his family be able to live in peace. _Why can't it be easier to let him go._

'Chrollo is the one who drove you to become a blank slate, not me. Since he will most probably not be leading anymore, Gon will stay where he is. Clean slates are useless, there needs to be a basis.' I laughed a little inside, and a smile appeared on my lips when I heard those words coming from him. _Mister poker face thinks a clean slate is useless? What does that make you then? What do you have on your slate that you don't let anyone see?_

'Can I send a message to him to explain the situation at the least?'

'That won't happen until the situation here is stabilized.' _You're actually willing to do this? That could actually mean a parting with Gon without him hating me…_

… …

I shook my head a little. I need to stop fooling myself. I can't trust these guys. All they sell are words that will push me into their wanted direction. _I really do need to let go of keeping contact with Gon, it's going to eat me up inside._

'You look surprised, but all I've done up until now is ensuring that when you get out of here, you will be in a state to manage your life. Although I still believe you're living in a dream world that you think you can have both lives, you need to find out for yourself.'

'Thanks.' I returned sarcastically, but I want to believe this opportunity. He was working under the notion that I'd get out more stable if I could finish things normally instead of Gon hating me… I don't really care about his motivations, I'm just glad I may get the chance to do at least that.

'Don't thank me. My job is to ensure you won't mess up anymore once you get out of here, and that you won't create a useless massacre. Belonging to that is also keeping Gon's family intact unless we can make it clear to you how futile your desire is to lead both lives.'

'Just like how you're trying to balance still being a Deliverer next to a psychologist.' I decided to bounce that back at him.

'That's none of your concern.' _Will you guys fucking stop saying that?!_ 'Where did your father take you?'

'To an abandoned house. He made me analyze a room, and let me take this with me.' I picked the box up again, and showed it to him from a distance with the spider mark turned towards me. When he reached out to it, I retracted my arm. 'He's told me to analyze it, that's all.' _You're not getting near anything of mine ever again._

'Where was this house?' He dropped his hand when I pocketed the box, and I gave him a tired grin,

'Any and all questions will be answered this afternoon.' The look he returned wasn't aimed at me though. Of all people, I'd expected him to look high strung, but this was a little beyond expectations. He hasn't taken care of his trigger yet, has he?

I dropped the corners of my mouth as I was resisting sending him into one. Although it has no use anymore, I still feel a grudge for this whole situation. But I can't really ignore Hisoka's words last night – no matter how much I want it. I'm selfish. _Can you really blame me? I finally wanted something for myself, was it so selfish to want to keep it at any cost?_

My eyes shifted away from Illumi's at that point, and I stood up from the bed. No more than just a second or two could've passed, but that's a long silence for the guy in front of me.

'Your session will take place at four.' I nodded up at him.

'That's fine. You should go to Hisoka first though, you're still on edge.' I want to convince myself it took me a lot of willpower to say that, but it didn't. I'm too tired to force myself into anything right now.

'I am aware of this, you don't need to tell me.'

'Tch.' I scowled up at him before I raised my hand and pointed at the door. 'If you don't mind then, I'd like to be alone.'

'Make sure to be on time.' When he turned around and his hair flowed behind him, my still raised hand decided it to be normal to slide my fingers through it. Even before he turned back to me my eyes widened in realization, and I dropped that traitorous hand when I noticed him looking at it. I turned away and threw myself back on the bed. Seconds later I heard the door closing.

 _I am_ not _unaware of what my body does! That's not me!_

Suddenly I heard Gon's cheery voice in the back of my head, "Well, he's about the only one who doesn't want to do you harm, right? Why're you surprised?" I pouted into my pillow,

_Goddamnit Gon… These are the guys that forcefully separated you from your family, and isolate you for five months or more… These are the most self-serving bastards on the face of this Earth gathered in one institution… I'm not in the mood for you talking good about either of them._


	29. Wednesday 23rd - Missing lifeline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little note beforehand; only the first and last paragraph are present time, but it was too much trouble putting everything else in cursive because of a phonecall. So yeah, first and last paragraph are like wednesday evening/night, everything in between is wednesday morning/afternoon, you may continue

'You're having a rough day, aren't you? Did Killua agitate you so much?' After all the dealings of today, it was good that I was spending time away from the institution. But it weren't necessarily the dealings of this morning's session that were bothering me.

'Why are you still here?'

'You still look on edge, I thought I'd stay.' I looked around at the man next to me on the bed. Dealings after session had given rise to an escalation of the problem that started Monday morning – that I'd lost time.

'I'll be less "on edge" with you gone.' I set my feet back on the ground when Chrollo started moving away.

'I'll get dressed then.' Somewhere after the session this morning with Killua, there'd been an instant where we three met, and during conversation Killua snapped and wanted to attack me. Chrollo had taken this opportunity to interfere and touch me. I don't remember what happened after, or how I'd gotten here. I quickly need to find out why it's escalating this much, it's dangerous to be this vulnerable and especially now _. Hisoka is still busy with Feitan, I can't have this now._

I will have to find out what caused the loss of time four years ago then.

'Are you sure you're completely with it again?' Before getting off the bed, he'd crawled back towards me and sat with his knees on either side of me, wanting to stroke his hands over my skin around my waist, and breathed those words in my ear. Unfortunately he was away by the time I'd raised my hand to punch his face in. 'I still have some time, but it seems you're back. Do you remember anything from three this afternoon?' _No I didn't_.

'I suggest you get dressed and walk out of my house before you'll have to drag your limp body out the door.'

'You're too vulnerable at this point to make valid threats. But I don't mind leaving you alone at this point. I'm taking my leave.' He's unaware of my complete set of skills, and I believe I am always a match; unfortunately I'm unaware of his skill level as well. 'I will include today's happenings in the reports so you can read through them. Feel free to ask for confirmation of it from Hisoka, looking at the footage from his surveillance. I believe you need to focus on yourself before continuing Killua's case this Friday.'

'I will take a look at Hisoka's footage, no need to write about it.' I don't need your manipulated words.

'Thank you for sparing me the work.' He slid into his jacket a second after, and left the room without looking back. I still saw the plastered smile on his face and a glimpse of his calculating eyes when he turned the corner though. I lifted my left arm and moved all of my fingers to check for injuries, repeating on the other side and eventually standing up to check all of my other joints. There seemed to be no gashes, and no breaks. This is the cleanest I've ever come out of a trigger. With Hisoka around with almost all of my triggers, it's no wonder I never come out of my triggers unscathed though.

* * *

Yes, it still bothered me. I didn't like that somewhere subconsciously I didn't hate Illumi wholeheartedly when my senses told me I should. That's also why training last night had been awkward. Even though I willed it into non-existence, apparently it wouldn't go away completely, and interfered with my productivity. I've never been so ashamed of my physical performance since I started training. This needs to stop before I embarrass myself to death. I've pushed myself further on my own every moment Illumi isn't doing this. Physical training is about all I have left now to get some peace in my mind and distance from everything, I need to keep it that way; I don't really feel like getting to know the consequences of my parents if I kill someone here. _But everyone below level 4 is so easy to challenge._

The only comfort about all of this, is that even though I don't seem to hate Illumi completely, I can't say I feel anything else about him – my body is deluding itself for some reason.

'What do you want to talk about first? Because you refused a lot of topics last Monday.' I scowled at the man in front of me, and glanced over at Chrollo sitting behind his desk – listening. Although there were indications I was getting closer to Illumi, he wasn't doing anything. But he didn't look displeased either. Made me wonder what his plan actually was.

I sighed when I reminded myself this wasn't my problem anymore. It's hard letting it go when I still hate him for everything's he's said and done. He's the cause of why I can't get out early anymore. I want him to suffer… but if I do that, dad will have my head… I _have_ to leave him alone. It won't get Gon out of captivity earlier if I do this either. If anything, I'd be screwing up even more. _I can't do that…_

'Last Monday wasn't exactly the best day of my life, so no I didn't really feel like talking.' I rolled my eyes at Illumi when I responded, and looked away again, past Chrollo and through the window. It hadn't snowed in a couple of days, and the thin layer still there seemed to slowly be disappearing. It'd been a harsh winter, but not a long one apparently.

'It's Wednesday now, and yesterday's training still proved a lot of discomfort. I'll force you to talk about our sexual activities Monday if you're going to avoid it again today.' I squinted my eyes at the outside world. 'I'm not someone who tolerates being touched when it's not needed. So either you convince me you're not going to do that anymore, or I will convince you of it.'

'It was barely a touch.' I muttered under my breath, and set my elbow on the armrest so I could lean my head on my hand. It's not like I want anything to do with you anymore, I only have to tolerate you. Actually agitating you is nowhere near my goals.

'You subconsciously stroke your hand through my hair before session Monday. You lay a hand on my shoulder after session when I was still sitting. You held on longer to my waist than was needed yesterday. You had the same inclination to touch my hair again just now.' _Why thank you so much for repeating all that out loud._ Killua Zoldyck, prodigy assassin, knocked off his senses by a Deliverer. As if my current situation wasn't bad enough already. _I want to beat the living shit out of you, not fucking touch you._ 'If you want it or not, there are psychological consequences to physical actions like this.' _Doesn't affect you though._ 'With your upbringing I didn't believe it would have this kind of effect. But something seems to have been started up in your body. What do you-'

'I fucking understand!' I closed my eyes and raised my voice, still not turning my head towards him. 'Do we really have to talk about it? I'll learn to suppress it over the next couple of days.' I opened my eyes again, and saw that Chrollo had started working a little.

'Can you convince me you that by next week you won't subconsciously touch me anymore?' He sounded unconvinced, and I couldn't blame him. 'Should we test it right now?' I did turn my head when I heard him stand up, and he stopped in front of me. He came to eyelevel when bending over and bringing his head close to mine. _You have a long neck, you know that?_ I scolded myself when I noticed the thought. Meanwhile, those black eyes were staring straight through me. I saw some strands of hair slip down over his shoulder, and it fell lightly against my leg. I felt my hand wanted to move. _I'll rip it right out of your head next time._ It agitated me that I was actually having trouble with this while I felt dead inside considering what I've done to Gon.

At that thought my resistance hardened a little,

'Isn't it more important to focus on how Chrollo made everything we've built up these last weeks null-and-void? He just definitively destroyed the only friendship I ever had, and he constantly tries to put you in a trigger. Can we talk about how _I_ want him off the case? Because he hasn't done _anything_ to help me in this godforsaken place.' The words were loud, but my volume hadn't raised. Illumi simply inclined his head when responding,

'You know you have no say in the workings of this institution. Requesting Chrollo off the case means absolutely nothing, coming from you.' _Well thank you for clearing that up._ 'My preference is working without him as well. But as long as Zeno decides he needs to be here, he will be here.'

'So you're just as powerless as I am.' I felt a little joy over that.

'I still have the possibility to persuade Zeno, you do not.'

'I don't, but I do have the possibility to persuade you, and through you I could persuade Zeno.'

'The chances of you persuading me are near zero.'

'Even when the goals align?'

'Your methods are not mine. Our goals aligning means nothing.' When I couldn't find a counter argument within the second, I started to feel a little uncomfortable by his proximity. I was far from being at my best, and I could feel I was being an open book to both of them. 'So no, we're not talking about how Chrollo is greatly responsible for creating this situation. And you're not convincing me that you're going to be able to get your body under control by yourself before next week.' When he straightened his body after those words, I felt his hair gliding through my fingers again, and I looked down at my hand, scolding it for betraying me. _I am_ not _this way! I am almost a professional assassin! I have goddamn control over my body! I have trained for ten years, that will not be null-and-voided by being jacked off once, damn it!_

… …

I need to beat the shit out of someone – preferably you guys, but that's not going to happen – before I'm gonna make myself crazy with this bullshit.

'Fine, what do you want to know.' It came out strained, and I watched him walk back to his chair. My body really is desperate for contact if my it's acting this way. _No way in hell that I'm going to act on it, though._ Having contact with these guys is worse than having no contact at all.

'On a scale of a hundred percent, what is your amount of physical stress, and what is the amount of mental fatigue?' He calmly sat back down.

'30/70.'

'Putting that 30 to a hundred again, how much of it belongs to frustration of your plan failing, and how much to having done things you didn't want to.'

'Frustration of failing is mostly in the fatigue category. About 80 percent of stress is because I've done things I didn't want to, and 20 percent belongs to having this faint feeling I can still do something even though I can't.' A part of me refuses to give up. A part of me keeps believing I could still remain friends with Gon afterwards and not endanger his family anymore, 'And yes, of that 80, a hundred percent is having to do sexual acts with you.'

'Your body seemed to disagree with that last sentence.' I narrowed my eyes some more at him. 'You're misunderstanding.' _Of course I am,_ 'You were stressed at the time you had to perform these acts because it's not something you're accustomed to. But even then, your body accepted it because you've had to do training your mind didn't want to all your life.' _Don't remind me…_ 'Point is, that during your lifelong training you've conditioned your body to accept the outcome, no matter what it was put through. This is also what happened when I started touching you last Monday. You were hard in no time.' I opened my eyes wide in threat and shock, and felt a chill climb up my spine that raised all the hairs on my body. If I'd been a cat, my tail would've been puffed completely that very second.

'Your stress is not from what you've had to do, your stress is from being unable to stop your body accepting that kind of touch as well. You've absorbed the feeling, and apparently it can't stop until it's perfected or completed one thing or the other.' I felt my fingers starting to claw their way into my leg. He looked down at that action. 'Judging from your reaction, I seem to be correct.'

'Continuing from your words, the only way to get it out of his subconscious and into his permanent system where he can control it, would be to complete the sexual act, wouldn't it?' I had to retract my fingers when my nails dug up a little spray of blood when Chrollo said that. _You guys stay the fuck away from me!_ Not being allowed to kill you does _not_ mean I won't try when you're going to do that!

'It's either that, or his fight training is intensified to the point his body forgets it ever did anything of the sort.' _Yes please, let's just do that._

'Beating it out of him, what a classic method.'

'It will work because of how his body is programmed, and at least with that, he's taught something useful. But seeing as Killua clearly understands all of this, I'm opting to bandage his leg first before his blood reaches the couch.'

'That would be grand.' I brought out with gritted teeth, but in a small panic moment of the wound being high on my upper leg, I may or may not have ripped off the biggest part of that trouser leg to avoid the pants having to come off. Illumi stopped a moment when I did that. I closed my eyes when I realized I was indeed embarrassing myself to death today. Outside I was acting like I just did the most normal thing in the world, but inside I was crying a waterfall.

'After this, we'll handle the 70% fatigue.'

'Agreed.' I didn't look at him the entire time my leg was in his hands. This was way too reminiscent of just before I came here, of when Gon had started changing the bandage around my leg after a little struggle in the snow. I don't want to believe this month are the last memories I'll have of him… I remembered back then Chrollo had asked how my last day of freedom had been…

My actual last day of freedom was last Sunday. Now my dad's influence reaches here as well. I'm being controlled from all sides, and there seems to be no way out without either hurting myself, or Gon even further. _Yeah, no, it's not exactly_ strange _I'm exhausting myself with extra training._

I opened my eyes to nothingness as soon as I felt the bandage against my skin. Up until Illumi "killed" Gon instead of me, the sad thing was that I'd had more freedom here than at home. I hadn't been able to deal with that, had I… Dealing with my own dreams, desperately grasping at them and failing at keeping them within reach…

'Your estimate between stress and fatigue seems to be accurate.' I looked down at Illumi when he finished the bandaging. 'Before we continue on this, first you need to consult yourself. Do you really still have the dream of leading both lives, or are you just saying so to save Gon's family?' One answer is selfish, the other sacrificing… but I don't really know anymore, do I. Hisoka might as well have had a point that it would've been easier for me if I'd killed Ging properly. What kind of friend does that even make me?

* * *

'You really know how to hit a nerve with the boy, don't you?'

'That's my job.' I can only hit the nerve so well because Killua's desperate for contact now that Gon's gone, and for some reason he's subconsciously chosen me to have it with.

'And you're so good in doing it, it's delicious. If you didn't have your defect, I would fear for my position as top psychologist.' He licked his lips,

'My defect is why I'm here.'

'I'll get the footage. Just be sure that if you decide to finish the act with Killua after all, you do it somewhere I can see it.'

'If it would happen in this institution it's impossible to avoid your surveillance either way.'

'So very true~.' In a rare moment of Hisoka having time away from Feitan – he still attends group session, we've pulled Killua out of that particular group – he called me over if I was still interested in seeing what happened in the time I'd lost last Monday.

'Is Feitan calming down yet?' He spread some discs in his hand out like a fan before finding the one he needed. He put the others away before answering,

'My, Illumi, anyone who doesn't know you would think you're being sympathetic or even engaging in small-talk.'

'You know better than that.'

'So to answer your question if I have time again to either keep Chrollo away from you, or investigate him… the answer is no.' He slid the disc into his pc, looking up at me very intently, 'I do have the time for some other, less brain-power consuming activities though.'

'Even if the building would be burning down you'd have time for that.' His grin widened,

'So very true.'

'The same doesn't apply to me.'

'Sadly, also very true.' He turned his eyes back to the screen, and clicked and ticked a couple of things before turning it around so I could take a look. 'This is from the moment you entered the bathroom.'

'Silva Zoldyck is in possession of these images as well?' He paused for a second to answer,

'He has struck up a deal with Zeno, he will not pursue you for anything.' I would like to know what kind of deal then. Hisoka does seem to be a messenger between these two people, but asking him for information was futile. Whatever I'd do to him to extract information, he would only enjoy.

Together with that I am unable to perform torture on the redhead until he's out of the trigger zone again. That will most probably take too long.

He ticked the play button again with one of his long nails, and let me look at it for a while. His attention was only on me.

'What do you see?' I examined the entire screen for abnormalities, and fast forwarded when I didn't find any.

'Nothing. I'm frozen in my place. This footage is unchanged?'

'Yes it is.' He almost purred. Somehow he seemed pleased with my answer. I don't understand why, there's nothing to interpret from these images. Only that it's peculiar I ended up with a small wound near my lip. 'Do you remember what happened when you lost time four years ago?' His voice was dripping with interest.

'I don't.'

'Who was near you before it happened.'

'… I don't remember.' This happened just before meeting Hisoka. I would've liked if I knew him a little earlier, I would have footage of what happened back then.

'What happened after?'

'I was some place I didn't know in the middle of the night, with blood and cuts on my hands.' My hair had also notably grown. So I had probably been in it for at least a month.

'Well, there seems to be a big difference between then and now, doesn't there?' This was disconcerting. What's happening that's causing it? This lack of understanding needs to be fixed. I really need to start examining that liquid Chrollo had given me.

* * *

 _'I hadn't expected a phone call from you, what's the matter?'_ Over four days… it's only been that short, but it's already hard. There's no Gon to talk to anymore, there's no parents calling me, I haven't had actual contact for more than four days; and it's driven me to extreme physical training. A couple of years ago lack of contact wouldn't have been a problem, but with the prospect of no real contact anymore for the rest of my life, these last couple of days had felt really long; I needed to talk to _some_ one to put some perspective in it. Sadly, Kurapika was the only one I knew I could call for that. _Thank you for forcing me to socialize last week, Gon, else I wouldn't have had anyone and I'd just be stuck with the shrinks suggesting I have sex with them._ The thought still made me shudder.

'Sorry if I'm bothering you, I just need to tell you one thing.'

 _'Has something gone wrong?'_ I shook my head a little, and took small, lazy steps around the room,

'No, Chrollo and Illumi are still apart, but you can't rely on me anymore to keep it that way.'

 _'Why not? What happened?'_ I gave a brief explanation of what he needed to know. He was quick to respond after, _'My apologies, I never intended to put you in the middle of this mess. You do understand that because you're the patient of both of them you're in the perfect position to interfere?'_

'There's nothing in it for me, I'm not doing this anymore. You'll have to rely on Hisoka from now on.' After that, a short silence did fall. 'You're trying to find a reason for me to continue, aren't you? Besides me being their patient, is there another reason why I need to be the one to interfere?' Although he seems to be a good person, I know next to nothing about the blonde. The only logical reason that I trust he keeps the secrets, is that he apparently already knows everything about this world.

 _'That's… I can't answer that at this point, I'm sorry.'_ Although a sincere apology, that doesn't make you less suspicious.

'Then I won't continue.' No motive, no help. I don't have the energy for something inconclusive.

_'I'm sorry to hear that. Can I just give some supporting words instead then?'_

'Shoot.' I leaned my back against the wall and crossed my feet. There was something soothing about his voice that I didn't object to listening to him.

_'You sound like you've lost all hope, am I wrong?'_

'… …' He took my silence as confirmation. _I_ am _about to lose all hope, yes, thank you for reminding me,_

 _'There's no need to. I know it's not your first choice, but hear me out. Illumi's willing to give Gon a message, willing to train you, and teaching you psychological norms; this all the while he's fending Chrollo off by himself. He probably gave you a lot of logical reasons of why he's doing this, but you must realize he's going out of his way for you.' This is supposed to make me feel better? Contact with that manipulative bastard?_ My eyes still turned to stare into nothingness when he mentioned this. I do remember Hisoka once asking that if Illumi doesn't want any contact, why Chrollo sees me as a threat.

So on some subconscious level, Illumi _does_ want contact? _Fuck you and your session this morning then._

'Why, in the ever-loving hell, does he want contact with me specifically? He's known Hisoka longer, why not him?' Besides all this, apart from my body begging for contact, there's nothing else inside of me that's asking for it.

 _'I… can't tell you from the limited contact we've had.'_ I guess that was asking for too much… _'What I_ have _understood is that every Monday was the day Gon came to visit, right? Is there someone else to fill that hole for you?'_

'Think about my profession and take a wild guess.' I answered exasperated. 'And why do you even care about it?'

 _'I can't give you the time Gon did, but are you objecting to me visiting?'_ Oy,

'Why would you? You're more interested in taking Chrollo down for some unknown reason. Why not make appointments with either of my shrinks instead then?'

_'You're not going to accept this kindness without a reason, are you?'_

'No.' You should know I don't.

_'… The more sane you are, the less of a chance Chrollo has with Illumi.'_

'Because for some strange reason Illumi is inclined to me?'

 _'Aren't you to him?'_ I thought back on session this morning more vividly, and felt some anger rising of my body betraying me, _'Of all the people that have ever been in your life, aside from Gon, has there ever been anyone to give you something positive without directly asking something in return?'_ Oh, and now you're repeating the words Gon's voice'd said in my head?! So now there's people giving me physiological _and_ psychological explanations on why I should feel inclined to that Mental Breaker. I can't help but feel anger towards all of it, but I subdued it in order to answer normally.

'… Fine. I'll discuss it with them later today.' I grunted a little when I heard a kind, amused laugh coming from the other side of the line. 'What?!'

 _'Nothing. You're a nice kid, I like talking with just sound so unhappy about all of it, but all you really want is uncomplicated contact, it can be really simple.'_ My face turned red a little. I have killed 93 people, you know I've killed, and you're calling me a nice kid? What kind of weird life do you have? _'Granted that I can't wholeheartedly recommend to deepen contact with someone like Illumi, it's just to give you the feeling there's people there_ not _out to destroy you. By the way, is it possible for the visits to be on Saturdays? It's more compatible with work then.'_

'I'll ask.' Dude, you're not scared of the world of assassins and deliverers, you apparently have had your life ruined by Chrollo, how do you still sound so open and honest?

_'Do you want to talk about anything else? I have a couple minutes left.'_

'Nah, I don't want to blow all my minutes today. You'll hear about the visits soon enough.' Not that I have anyone else to spend the minutes on…

 _'Thank you, I'm looking forward to it.'_ When I hung up, I felt a kind of anxiety filling me, and my hand started shaking a little. Four days… four days have I been without a ways out, and I've been trying to reject my old life ever since without any hope for change. I hadn't even noticed I'd been rejecting it so much, I thought I'd already given up… If I haven't, then some human contact will do me good. Kurapika seems to be human… He will have to give me some more information on himself if he wants me to relax around him, though. So basically he's still using me, just not in my disadvantage anymore.

I really, really don't want to admit that Gon, Kurapika, Chrollo and Hisoka are correct that me and Illumi are somehow socially linked now though…

… …

I just listed off four persons that had said the exact same thing, didn't I? I gave that realization the best glare I could. This is the person that had no trouble touching me for his own goal as well, the person that doesn't show emotion and gets triggered when interest and intellect meet. A guy that can murder and mutilate or rape you when he's in a trigger like that. A guy that's still a Mental Breaker and picks persons brains to find psychological weaknesses to exploit. A Deliverer that's both our main supplier and biggest enemy.

Oh yeah, no reason at all to _not_ get myself linked to him.

That method of beating it out of me better work goddamn well.

I walked out the room and lazily threw the phone back at the desk lady. The beating out of me would start tonight. Next to leading the three hour sessions four times a week and analyzing that data, having another patient and trying to get Chrollo off his case, Illumi will be training me two hours every day.

… … Goddamnit I really want to deny it, but that guy is so involved with me by now, it's stupid of me to do. It'll cost less energy if I just accept he has some weird connection to me.

It doesn't really matter anyway, it'll be beaten out of me, and he'll just ignore it.

Pouting, I pocketed my hands and walked back to one of the common rooms to get some time on my laptop. I passed some lower level patients here and there, but they all steered clear of me by now. These people don't have common sense, so it's probably because of rumors. I wonder if I'm the cause for some patients getting worse out of fear. That would be neat.

I got the spiderbox out my pocket again, and started absentmindedly turning and observing it in my hand. _It had a good seal, 'cos it really felt like there was some kind of liquid inside…_

I started thinking, if I'm a level 5, Feitan is as well, then Illumi would be a level 6; he has this extra level of danger because of his poker face analyses and manipulation. Hisoka's a level higher in danger; he can tell you about anything, and you will believe him. You never really know if he's hiding something unless you have extended contact, or he wants you to know. I don't want to put Chrollo above him though. He's good at manipulating, and his analyses are troublesome to Illumi, but if Illumi wouldn't have his defect he would have a harder time getting close to him. Plus, he can't seem to get past Hisoka. So Chrollo's a 6,5? That sounds about right. Hisoka's definitely the most dangerous if he wants to be. I'd put Illumi on the same level were it not for his defect.

_Speak of the fucking devil._

I stopped looking at the box when I saw Chrollo walking towards me. Instinctively I wanted to put it away immediately, but he most probably'd already seen it so I just ignored him and wanted to walk past him.

99 out of a 100 times, Chrollo would just let me do that, but today was time for that one in a hundred chance.

He snatched the little box off my hand and pushed his free fingers against my chest to stop me in my tracks. For the first time I've been here, I actually felt a physical threat from him.

He switched the box to his other hand, and lay his free hand on my shoulder to keep me there. Against better judgment, I looked up at his face.

'I heard from Zeno you'd been allowed to bring something here. You've been avoiding the subject adamantly today and Monday. Is there a reason you don't want us to know about it?' Ignoring the physical threat, I simply raised my hand waiting for him to give it back.

'It's none of your concern.' It came out even more spiteful than it had sounded in my head, but Chrollo paid it no heed. He turned it around in his hand, and stopped a little longer when he could see the picture of the spider.

'Everything influencing your behavior concerns us. You found it at an abandoned house your father brought you to?'

'Where he told me to keep it. After last Monday I don't think he's too keen on giving you the leeway to take it from me.' I never dropped my hand or my eyes. The look of interest he sent my way when finally giving me attention though, had me freeze me in my place for a moment. _That was possessiveness in his eyes._

'I think you're completely right on that. I'd love to hear about the contents someday though.' He ticked one finger on the lid before slowly turning his hand around to let it fall back onto mine.

'Are you resorting to bullying now, Chrollo?' I turned my eyes when I heard Illumi's voice in front of me; Chrollo's hand never left my shoulder, and the threat was still very much there.

'You should know me better than that, Illumi. I was merely showing interest in the box he's been allowed to take in here.'

'Then you can let go of him now, can't you?' Forget Chrollo's threat for me, Illumi's threat to Chrollo was way more intimidating.

Wait…

Was Illumi protecting me?

This just confirms everything everyone's been saying, doesn't it… I sighed a little when I realized that.

'It's alright, I already have it back.' I showed it for a second before pocketing it again. 'Training's at eight, right?'

'Be prepared to stay longer than ten, you will need to be treated afterwards.' _Good, then you're taking it very seriously._ 'And I need to add that you've indeed been given permission to take that box here, but there's no rule that we're not allowed to examine it for ourselves. With or without permission.' _Well there goes that protection._

'You're both not laying a finger on it.' I pulled my voice out a bit more, and Chrollo's hand slipped from my shoulder.

'Why is it so precious to you?'

'Why are you both obsessing over it?' I took a stronger stance in front of Illumi, and Chrollo took a place next to him. _Why're you allowing that proximity?_ 'Oh~ I think I understand now.' I started grinning again when I realized, 'Zeno's never allowed this before, has he? On top of that, he allowed me to take a detour unsupervised. It's killing you that you don't understand. And by you, I mean Illumi. Because _you_ clearly recognized the mark on it.' I turned my eyes from Illumi to Chrollo. Neither reacted physically, but I knew I was right. This was actually quite interesting, if Chrollo knew the mark, that gave a sign to his history. Is that why dad let me take it with me? Has he already found a clue to this history? _I don't have to research it, but somewhere I really, really want to find out who this guy is so I can subtly break him these remaining five months._

'You're right, it's out of the ordinary. But so is your attention for it. Are you using it as a distraction for dealing with the loss of Gon in your life?'

'No, I'll be using Kurapika for that.' I snided back at him, not really appreciating the choice in words. He cocked his head at me,

'Kurapika will be visiting from now on instead of Gon?'

'If that's okay with you of course.' I mentioned sarcastically. I glanced back to Chrollo for a moment, but all interest had already been wiped from his face. I'm not surprised that whatever he's done to Kurapika doesn't affect him at all.

'We'll petition a background check, you'll hear by tomorrow.'

'He prefers Saturdays.'

'The day is not a problem.' Illumi really was trusting of Chrollo that he wasn't going to trigger him. He must've gotten extra safety measures against that.

I wanted to stalk off when everything'd been said, and was almost in the clear, but of course it wouldn't end this well. Why should it.

'We will be talking about that box on Friday. You won't be granted giving a message to Gon otherwise.' My instincts told me to ram my fist into Illumi's stomach, and it was well underway, but I was stopped before it could connect. A second later I could hear the man's heart starting to pump out of his chest before it almost completely died down. I looked up at his face, but I was knocked out swiftly. _God fucking damnit, what the hell is happening to that guy?!_

* * *

 _'Oh my dear Illumi, so it is true what the images in front of me are showing.'_ I tried calling Hisoka on his cellphone first, but after getting no response, I called the phone in his office. It was three in the morning, Feitan really was giving him much trouble.

'What are you seeing?' I had a great need to know what happened this afternoon that caused the time loss. I am too vulnerable.

_'Do you want me to send the footage through to you? I'll have it ready in a moment.'_

'No need, I will be there in two hours. I just need a summary now.'

_'Hm~ you remember being triggered?'_

'Yes.' I could feel his amusement through the phone,

_'You'll have to see the consequences for yourself when you get here~'_

'I am not in the mood for games, Hisoka.'

_'How unfortunate, because I am.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To anyone in need of a summary - which I can understand, cos I reread my own work a thousand times - here we go;
> 
> Killua's own dreams have been taken from him because his dad controls him now even at the institution (which takes away any freedom he did have)  
> Killua's body is more trained than his mind, and his subconscious mind is telling him he needs to take example of the least dangerous person that knows how to survive - that person being Illumi  
> No matter how much Killua hates them, he can't do anything without feeling the consequences from his dad, and he's slowly trying to lay himself down with that situation (or is he)  
> Gon is in some kind of hocus pocus underground place of the institution.  
> Illumi has now had three time losses: 1. Four years ago; 2. Last Monday; 3. Just now.  
> There is a good reason Kurapika wants Illumi and Chrollo apart, but it hasn't been said yet.  
> Hisoka's technically not on anyone's side, he just plays it out the way is most interesting for him.  
> Hm... anything else...?  
> Nobody knows anything about Chrollo's past yet, don't have to worry about that, I've got something good planned for that.  
> There's cooperation between Zeno and Silva through Hisoka - these three have the complete picture in their head (Well, Silva will have, very soon)
> 
> If there's anything more, just PM me, I have a long history of not biting. I'm more like those useless guard dogs that lick the burglars to death instead of barking xD


	30. Thursday 24th - Trying to survive

'I will retract my recommendation to put Feitan in solitary if you start playing a game right now.'

 _'Mmm~ you're being too cruel. I just want to see your face when you see what happened.'_ I sighed loudly at that.

'I will hang up right now and inform Zeno of my retraction then.'

 _'You won't do that.'_ He sounded too amused, but he was right. Although I don't want to admit it, I need his help and he can't give that help with Feitan in the way.

'I will just wait to get there, then.'

_'Or you can just come to my house where I transfer my calls to when I leave the institution.'_

'You're too irregular in doing this. I'll be there in a second then.'

_'Ah~ a midnight visit from Illumi-kun himself, how exciting~'_

'You will not see morning light if you attempt to trigger me.' I hung up after that. I need to find out about the whole picture and make sure it doesn't happen again. These time losses are dangerous.

* * *

 _Jesus fucking Christ, that could've been done a lot less painful._ I lifted my hand to check the painful spot behind my neck, but everything still seemed to be in place. Opening my eyes, I saw that I was in the infirmary, and I turned my head when I heard a noise. Machi'd twirled around in her chair and gave me a calculating look. _I should be giving you that._

'I take it you're used to headaches, you still want medication?' I sat up and shook my head. This could hardly be called a headache.

'How'd I get here?' I swung my legs off the bed and stood back up, just feeling a light sting in the back of my head,

'What do you remember?'

'I remember wanting to punch Illumi, but being intercepted. He went into some kind of weird trigger, and I was knocked out a second later.' Come to think of it, if his heartbeat would go too high, he would go into cardiac arrest, wouldn't he? Was that guy even still breathing? Machi's fazed look wasn't exactly denying a buttload of problems either. 'Well? What's the rest of the story?' Is that Feitan in the next bed over?

* * *

'I love it when you put your hair up like that.' I blinked at that statement when Hisoka opened the door to me. I'd barely taken the time to tie my hair up. He has strange preferences, but that's hardly a surprise. 'Hm~, I can almost see your thoughts at this point.' He stepped aside to let me out of the cold. Why was he home in the first place?

'Isn't Feitan going to kill every patient if you're not at the institution?'

'He's sedated.'

'Ah, it does work on him, then.' I shrugged it off before starting to look around for the device he had the footage on.

'No pleasantries today?'

'I never care for pleasantries, where's the footage?' He raised his hand to follow him into the kitchen where I saw he'd been getting something to eat, and the laptop stood on the counter next to it. He clicked the file open and paused it, leaning back against the counter on the other side. I moved some loose strands of hair behind my ear before pressing play. I could feel Hisoka's attention on me almost physically.

'It will be hard to see my expression from behind me, Hisoka.' I still stated it, even though I knew he just liked being positioned behind me. I didn't expect any differently than hearing him chuckle.

The footage was from the moment Chrollo and Killua encountered.

* * *

'You attacked Illumi, you were struck in the back of the head by Chrollo, and then he brought you here. That's all I know.' _God fucking mother god damn shithead._ I wanted to do the same to that pathetic excuse of a shrink. I did my best to focus on the more pressing matter though, and saved the anger for training later.

'What happened to Illumi?'

'Like hell I know.' She was uncomfortable about him, I could tell by now. Somewhere I want to put my mind off and just let these fuckers kill each other, but… I'm still being used by them, and I need to be able to hold my own. _I don't want to pay any more attention to you, I just want to get by the best I can. Why won't you let me._

I looked away from Machi, and was just about to ask for permission to go when she spoke up first.

'Ah, before I forget.' She held up the little box, and threw it back at me. I caught it as carefully as I could. 'You want to investigate that, right? You can do that Sunday.' She must've heard from Chrollo I wanted to do that. The look she had when thinking about that guy was way different. I don't know what she sees in him, but I feel sorry for her. 'And one last thing.'

* * *

'Killua was the one to trigger me?' I couldn't deny the images, Chrollo never touched me. The only touch happening was me stopping the boy. I paused at the point I recognized this happening, and looked behind me.

'Looks like Killua-kun is still interesting for you.' I ignored the fact that his eyes didn't go higher than my ass at this point. 'Surely his interest in you can't be that surprising to you?'

'It's not.' Although unusual that he's taken a liking to me after I'd killed Gon in his stead, it's not hard to imagine he's grasping for straws for contact now that he has to survive five months without his friend. Most probably the rest of his life. 'Certainly not to the point where I lose time.'

'Perhaps our dear little Killua-kun has caused a third trigger condition to rear its head.'

'That sounds more plausible.' Perhaps there is a third condition that has to be met before I lose time… I pressed play again to monitor the rest of the happenings. This was different than last Monday, today I nearly fell off my feet. By the looks of it, Chrollo carried Killua away and then came to take me away – I was as obedient as a puppet.

Thinking back on how I woke up again, and Chrollo's state of mind, I most probably remained in that doll-like state the entire time – he was too eager to finally do something just now.

I can't say for certain from these images, but it looks more like my heart rate dropped instead of rose. Perhaps that's something that happens with my time loss. It corresponds with the heavy feeling I woke up with either way.

'Question remains though.' I closed the laptop when I'd seen everything useful, and Hisoka spoke up. 'What is this elusive third trigger that you haven't had in four years, and why is it different now?'

'We can discuss that better without your hands on my ass, Hisoka.' He started purring,

'Oh~ but don't you think we should run some tests on your triggers? For science of course~'

* * *

_He's not that interested at this point, so there's something else that puts him in a catatonic state._

I lay down in bed overthinking this, and looked out the window; letting my nerves calm down by the ticking of the first rain against my window. I hadn't actually suffered any injury, so Machi'd been glad to let me go. I'd done a short interval training for stamina to vent some frustration, but the feeling that I was missing something that could potentially worsen my situation had been too prominent in my mind. I hurt myself more than intended today. If I'd continued I'd probably have broken something. I don't want that to happen, I need training to be able to deal with all of this.

'… …' Back to topic though. _What was actually different_ now _in our contact that hadn't been there before. It's probably something he hasn't experienced in a while…_

It can't be the sexual aspect, he's probably doing that with Hisoka all the time. He's not particularly interested in my mind at the moment… Is it an amount of stress that Chrollo's causing? Does Illumi even feel stress? He just seems like someone who feels inconvenienced. Besides, it's not like Chrollo has a big chance with getting closer when Illumi's so focused on me.

Is that it? No, focus can't be it either. He's a Deliverer, he's had to exert focus almost through his entire waking existence.

I turned to my side and curled up a little more, grabbing a pillow and not letting go of the sight of rain outside. Was it even something that was different between us, or was it just something that had changed with him personally? It's kind of hard determining that. The first time he was in this state was last Monday, most probably. So whatever caused it was there back then.

Why am I even worrying about it? All I need to know to stay away from it, is that I have to stop making skin contact with him. Fighting's not been a problem before, and it probably won't be now. Besides, there's not a real difference between him having changed, or something between us has changed; either way the result is the same.

_Ah! No!_

I shot my eyes wide open and immediately sat up on the bed with my legs folded and the pillow still in my arms. If it's a change in his triggers, it means a change in his brain; a change in his brain means either having made a long-term connection, or a difference in hormone release, right? The first option sent a shiver up my spine. The second one was less directly threatening. It means a change in demeanor towards me, but I already noticed that.

… …

I pouted when I thought about it logically; Illumi's emotionless, doesn't look for contact, is a successful Deliverer that my dad actually approves of – and he shows signs of forming some kind of link with me. For someone as withdrawn as Illumi to actually show signs of something changing, must mean there's been a hell of a shift in the chemical balance in his brain. God _damn_ it's so simple I completely overlooked it.

I closed my eyes again and let my body sway a little before falling down on my back and putting the pillow over my head.

_Why me?_

_Why am I the one who's causing such a shift in his state of mind?_

_What makes me so special? I'm just another assassin in training…_

Especially from now on...

* * *

_Well that was completely pointless._

I looked down at Hisoka sitting on the floor, using a random shirt to stop the bleeding in his lower arm. One piece of clothing wasn't going to cut it though, and as soon as he realized, he got up and left for the bathroom. It would be better if I did as well.

I stepped around the shards of broken dishes and glasses, and followed the redhead upstairs. Seemed like he'd been holding something back for a while, considering the damage on our bodies. Somehow I know he'll never trigger me when it'll destroy me, but I don't appreciate these random outbursts.

'You _will_ lose a limb if you keep doing this.' I called up to him,

'Oh~ but I do think I'll live to see morning light, don't you think?' I sighed when I heard the words bounced back at me, 'On top of that, it's you who comes to me when you're in a trigger in the first place. Should I report this as abuse then?'

'With the sounds you make when either having sex or being maimed, you won't be able to convince anyone that you're being abused.' I heard his chuckle echo when he got to the bathroom, and got out the first-aid kit.

'Then I guess I'll check myself if I need stitches?' I gave him a look that spelled he needed to stop being an idiot if he didn't want to lose a limb right now. He got the message, and took the shirt off his arm to start cleaning it. It'd been Hisoka to take most of the beating this time. I looked at the gashes on his back and was contemplating if I needed to help with that in case he'd bleed to death. _I could just leave the shards in._

'… …' There's no need in being spiteful, and I sighed deeply,

'Why thank you so much.' I heard the amusement in his tone when I started taking the shards out either way. As soon as I got to the ones that required touch, I held out my hand for him to give me a set of gloves and tweezers. Knowing I had no reason to actually help him, he simply complied. 'My pride is hurt a little, I haven't been able to do anything significant to you.'

'You were enjoying it too much, it makes you submissive.' He let out a soft, pleasurable sound when one of the small shards wasn't so small at all.

'Well, I can't deny that, now can I.' He grabbed a towel next to the sink, and dried the blood off his arm before holding the wounded limb out to me. 'Well, what's your professional opinion?' I looked at the wound running along the entirety of his lower arm, and also at the one on his leg on the same side.

'You will need sutures, I'll do that after treating your back. Keep it from bleeding in the meantime.' Machi is right, I am practically his personal physician. There's not much other choice if he keeps triggering me though.

'Understood.' I pushed Hisoka forcefully more over the sink to get better light on the shards still remaining. 'You were more vicious than usual.'

'You triggered me in an area with breakable and sharp objects.' I saw his grin expanding through the reflection in the mirror. 'If you were a level 3 or lower, I'd say you had suicidal tendencies, but you're not alive if you don't do this, are you.' He makes the perfect example for someone with algolagnia.

'That's an old, rhetorical question.' After another minute, I looked and felt over his back once more before asking him to give me what I needed to clean it up before bandaging it. Looking at the multitude of wounds – some greater than others – it would be easiest just to bandage his torso. 'But our real question still stands, doesn't it?'

'You knew beforehand your doings wouldn't give us any answers to the third trigger. You were just pent up.'

'Oh~ and how were you so sure I wouldn't cause any answers?'

'Give me the bandages.' I pulled him up again by his shoulder to start wrapping him in, 'We don't discuss obvious answers, you just want to hear me say it.'

'Pre tell, what do I want to hear?' He sounded like he wanted to put me in another trigger right away, so I just handed him the unrolling bandage and let him finish it by himself while I took care of his leg. I set the kit on the floor next to me, and cleaned the wound.

What I'd finally understood before Hisoka triggered me, was that this third trigger had to do with Killua specifically. It was what Hisoka had been saying for a couple of weeks, that I was apparently getting attached to the boy. For someone like me to give signs that I'm getting attached, takes a large shift in hormones. It is possible that Killua letting go of his friendship with Gon and somewhere wanting to attach himself to me, has caused this shift to escalate with me momentarily.

That hints that whatever happened four years ago, had to do with someone I'd been attached to. That's peculiar, because I don't remember any such person.

Does Hisoka?

When he said that slogan of "results gained in the past…", he was talking about the reason of Chrollo being off-limits, but I clearly don't remember him explaining it. Is there the possibility my attachment to someone back then, and Chrollo's obsession with me now are linked through my lack of memory of it?

… It's useless to keep thinking that way. The only thing Hisoka's words and my attachment have in common, _is_ that they hint to a time I can't remember, and without surveillance.

It's useless to investigate, but I'll keep it in the back of my mind as a possibility.

'Sit down.' I commanded when I'd properly cleaned it, and he sat down on the cold floor. But as soon as I wanted to lean over it to start working, I noticed my hair getting in the way. A second later, I was surprised when Hisoka lifted it out of the way without touching me. 'Thank you.'

'Not a problem. You know the reason I always want to talk with you?'

'Because you get off on people's intellects. You like to imbed yourself on people that have imbedded themselves on you.'

'You know me so well~. Then please also tell me how you could've easily seen everything surrounding Killua coming. That because of your selective logic, you sometimes refuse to see a lot of inconvenient things.'

'This is a conversation you want to have while I have a needle in your leg?'

' _Especially_ when you have a needle in my leg.' I sighed exasperated before answering.

'My logic isn't selective. Hormonal shifts tend to put a cloud over someone's vision. It hardly has to do with a change in my way of thinking.' I felt a drop of blood fall down on my head. Apparently Hisoka hadn't stopped the bleeding on his arm well enough.

'So what're you going to do now that your vision's clear again? How are you going to let our poor Killua down?'

'Killua will be having contact with Kurapika, there's nothing-' I stopped myself from saying it – it was that way of thinking that had led to this situation. Most convenient would be if Killua would just switch interest to Kurapika, but I have to entertain the notion he won't, or won't be able to, let me go.

He will get in my way if this is going to be the case.

'So? What is your plan?' That wasn't an important question though, I don't need a lot of time to make it clear to Killua that he needs to emotionally detach himself from me.

The only actual question that I'm not close to solving is,

_Why Killua?_

_Why get "attached" to a standard apprentice Assassin?_

* * *

I hadn't been able to get a lot of rest after all this afternoon. When I'd reached the conclusion, all I'd gotten was more frustrated and uncomfortable. I'd picked up another interval training, and hadn't stopped until I started bleeding. Now that it was time for actual training with Illumi, I was questioning if my body would still be able to take it.

But that's not a question that's ever stopped me.

'Trigger with Hisoka again?' I lazily pointed at the puncture wound on Illumi's ear. It'd been invisible until he'd tied his hair back for training, but I noticed signs earlier already; Hisoka leaves a scent on Illumi. Whatever happened with Chrollo after taking him away yesterday hadn't really left a trace. Mah, didn't think that whatever Chrollo'd do would leave a mark anyway. It's strange, I see a lot more today.

Illumi didn't react to my statement, and simply kept preparing for training. Does Chrollo have a scent anyway? I never really paid attention to it. Well, either way Illumi's still alive. Don't know for sure yet about my other shrink.

'I heard from Chrollo that you attacked and hit him with needles on Monday. I'll be reviewing your skill in that tomorrow. Today you'll show me how far you've gotten with my technique, and I'll judge if you're ready for implementing my defense.' I nodded in compliance and took a deep breath to steady my heartbeat and regress my presence from the room. The wound from this afternoon was on my torso, so fortunately there'd be no questions about that. I was also glad that talk about what happened yesterday would be postponed 'till tomorrow. I really don't need to hear any more words about how we're somehow connected. I rather just stick with someone like Kurapika for that. Wait,

'Is Kurapika's background check done? Is he allowed to come here Saturday?' I took some presence back and asked him this. I got flashbacks to training at home when I saw him putting training bandages around his hands though. _He's going to hit me so hard he'd otherwise crack his skin?_

'Kurapika's past is far from clean, but he hasn't shown activity in over three years. Yes, he's allowed to come here, and he'll be here Saturday at eight.' I nodded a little in gratitude before regressing my presence once again. I need to be prepared to undergo the same training I do at home. 'Attack me with my style.' As he asked this, I didn't wait until he stood ready and went for a low kick. But he didn't avoid it, and in the moment I hesitated to redirect it, he'd hooked his hand behind my head and forcefully turned me around to fall to the ground on all fours. I nearly made the mistake thinking that's where the attack would stop, and could barely block the heel aimed at the side of my head.

I took some distance, and started doing what I should be doing – focusing on the flow of blood through my muscles, and calculating when I actually _have_ to use his technique.

'You've been focused on my style too much, learn when to use it. Attack me again.' Taking some distance back, I was too slow in reaction when being grabbed and tossed behind him. _He just used redirection predicting my movement._ I rolled back up and continued to do as he asked. I used every ounce of my strength to calculate his movements and avoid critical damage. Although Illumi's not allowed to break me, he attacks knowing that I'll be able to keep myself in one piece if I exert myself - he's forcing me to keep the pace running high.

It was one brutal beating after another; I almost popped a shoulder, I pulled it back in within a second before it would dislocate completely. When grabbing my arm he set his nails in my skin, and ripped it open when I broke loose. When his foot connected to my stomach, I had to use what I knew about his defense technique to make sure I wouldn't need surgery. It was only after his fist connected with my collarbone, and a small creak was heard, that he backed off.

Well, one thing's for certain, and that's that he has a really clear view on my skills and boundaries.

It hadn't been futile though; doing what we just did for fifteen minutes, had given me a lot of information on how to better use my fighting. I'm glad he wasn't kidding when he said we'd kick it into high gear, I can learn best when doing this.

'Taking it down even more would not do your skills justice. Your stamina limit is fifteen—'

'I can go longer than this.' I took a couple of deep breaths when standing up straight again, and ignored the stinging feeling that it caused in my collarbone. _Well, in my whole body for that matter._

Illumi gave me a calculating look before responding,

'I'm sure that with your parents you're pushed longer and harder than this, but you know I'm not allowed to break you. We've arrived at that point now, we won't continue.' Although irked because my stamina was far from depleted, I knew what he said was true and accepted the notion. 'We'll repeat this at the end of these two hours, but we need to do something else first.' I looked up at him, 'Your movements are too hesitant, you need to be drilled more so your body won't forget. You will be focusing on every different muscle for half an hour. Today we'll do three, tomorrow as well, and you'll train for yourself in between. If I notice you're not doing this, I will stop.' _This sounded really familiar._ Only difference were the consequences. I nodded in compliance 'The first ten minutes of each muscle you will practice on me, the rest you will use that for.' He pointed at the punching bag. I'm getting to practice on him so I can understand his defense better, right?

'Which muscles first?' Apparently we started low to work our way up. Fifteen minutes one leg, fifteen for the other, each of them five minutes against him.

'You won't stop if you're failing too often. These two hours will be extended if that happens.' Still all I did was nod and take a breath to even my heartbeat and focus on the blood flow in my lower right leg. Illumi placed himself in my vicinity, and training started.

Somewhere I didn't think he'd hold it out for those five minutes, but he stood there, unmoved, and I could feel that none of what I did had a real impact on him. Previously he'd been training with me on a lower level, hadn't he? The only reason I'd been able to fight him was because he'd held back for my level.

'Switch legs.' I did so as precisely as I could, glad that apparently I was reaching his standards. It wasn't until I had to switch to the bag that he started talking again. I don't know if it was some kind of test, but I listened nonetheless.

'You really have given up that you're learning so much faster now.' _God how I love these bitter compliments._ I'm not necessarily learning faster though, I'm just training more.

'The sparring or these movements?'

'Both. You move more natural. You know the reason your parents objected to your friendship with Gon is because it does hold your capabilities back. You were obsessed with this other way of living. The main reason you told yourself you still wanted to be an assassin, was because you didn't want all your training to be in vain. When you were friends with Gon, you didn't want to be an assassin anymore, you wanted a normal life.' _No-one is really waiting for the stress to lead two lives. Doesn't mean I don't like what I can do because of my training,_

'So you're saying deep down I don't want this life at all?' I reacted, but my focus was still on the bag before me. I heard Illumi's light footsteps walking around behind me,

' _Subconsciously_ it comes down to you wanting to be accepted. Up until you met Gon, the only way for that to happen was to please your parents. As soon as you became friends with Gon, you noticed a – for you – more pleasant and less stressful way to be accepted. Now that he's gone again, you're back on completely focusing to be accepted by your parents, even though you don't want to. Tell me, do you think you're capable to feel acceptance at all, or have you just noticed it's there?'

'Want to throw a "do you even know who you are" in there somewhere? Because that would complete the existential crisis.' I know I haven't ever had my own life; I either chased after my parents, or I chased after Gon. By now I've been able to feel it with my entire being, that I don't know who I am. I thought my greatest desire was to save Gon from this situation… truth probably was, that I was trying to save that kind of life, because I don't exist without someone acknowledging me. _And it's a lot harder to get acknowledged by my parents, I don't want to go back there completely._

'You obviously don't know, there's no point in asking.' Well, at least we agree on that. 'If I want to go down that road, I'd say you're a person without an identity. You'll subconsciously search for someone else to acknowledge you and give you your new identity, instead of searching for yourself. In order to recognize your own qualities, I'd simply ask you to analyze the people drawn to you, or the people you are drawn to.'

'Like you.'

'Ah, I see you've arrived at that point already.' I waited for a while to answer so I could refocus on the bag.

'Realized that yesterday. Don't know why though. And for some strange reason, my body apparently thinks you're my last lifeline, so there's that.' My steady breathing was really helping me have this conversation,

'The absence of Gon has made your mind clearer as well.'

'Yeah, well, it's not like this's gonna change anything.' I flinched when I felt the muscle started to tire. But I just kept going. 'You are all manipulative, and underhanded, and could easily talk me into any state of mind. The only trust I have in you is for training like this, and you're the only one who's never given off the vibe that you want to destroy me.'

'Your ego is looking for the nearest new person to attach to and imitate. It's natural, but will put you in the same dependent position as before. It's also hard to put a stop to though.'

'Well it's your job to find a way, isn't it.' I snided at him. It took him longer to respond to this, and he stopped walking around. It's mainly hard because he himself is feeling some kind of connection. He needs to switch that off, or remove himself from the case. But doing the latter won't work, 'cos I will end up with Hisoka or just Chrollo otherwise, and I think we can all agree I respond even less well to those two.

He started walking around again without responding. _Well, if you can give me a sense of self, that would be grand._

'You're too scared to stand on your own yet. You're afraid either you yourself, or Gon will reject the real you. If you don't detach yourself from the idea you can still save your friendship with Gon, you won't be able to move on. You'll focus on analyzing the people around you, not making contact with them.' Sounded like it suited their purpose for prepping me for my future job as well.

'Understood.' I'll have a hard time doing this though. I don't have the strength anymore to resist what my body wants. I will probably kill myself training if I do exactly as told, because he's talking about isolation – even if not meant forever. 'Am I allowed to have contact with Kurapika?'

'Stay aware of your actions. As you are now, you're easy to influence. Stay focused on your own thoughts and emotions.' _Easier said than done._ You know what, fuck your reasoning. I'll find myself in my own way, whenever I want. You're not telling me what to let go and what to hang on to.

Strangely enough though, even with Illumi saying all of this, this conversation had calmed me down a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohmygod an actual psychological conversation for his well-being. Someone pinch me!
> 
> I seriously have no idea how I manage to write this much while having other responsibilities as well.  
> (Actually I do know, it's pure escapism and I'm procrastinating like a mofo, but let's put that aside for now)
> 
> Aahh~ Illumi and connections~  
> How more alien can you get~
> 
> And Killua needs to watch out before he seriously hurts himself during his own training, doesn't he. He's feeling a little self-destructive.


	31. Friday 25th - Soon you will come to know

Spending the night at the institution had become more of a necessity than a choice. Until Hisoka's request to put Feitan in solitary is finalized, he now and again requests for me to keep an eye on him. Keeping Feitan sedated at all times except session is unfortunately not allowed. We are both having the same time problem though.

It was that time problem that caused me being unable to get rest. Not because there was no time for sleep, but because I was currently flanked by two people that didn't leave me alone. One who did everything he could without touching me, the other doing everything he could _to_ touch me. At the start of Killua's case, this wasn't exactly how I'd picture my position now.

'You can rip each other's throat out tonight, I'm going to work.' I stood up and put on some pants before walking out of the sleeping room. If Hisoka wants to continue receiving my help, he will have to be more submissive than this.

Heading for the showers before continuing the analysis on Chrollo's drug, I noticed the three of us weren't the only ones up just before midnight. I heard the familiar sound of someone training when entering the gym. Stepping in a little further, the sounds stopped, and the person in question looked around.

'Yo.' Killua greeted me and gave me a second of attention before continuing.

'You've been here for five hours now, haven't you?' He stopped again, but didn't look away from the punching bag when answering me.

'Well we _are_ beating this supposed thing out of me, aren't we? It's not like I have anything better to do.'

'I am in favor of harsh training, but for training with me to be effective, your body does need the rest. Don't take too long.'

'I won't.' He was doing more than what he was asked to do. I'll make sure he's in his room before 1am; I don't like our training to be inefficient. I turned around to leave for the showers, 'Training helps clear my mind. Want to hear something interesting?' Hisoka and Chrollo are demanding enough, I didn't turn around. 'Yellmi's kill went horribly wrong, it's been a main motivator to become better at what I do.' He didn't stop his assault on the bag, but my legs did stop walking. 'Yeah, thought that'd get your attention.' I turned my head a little.

'You can suddenly talk about your family?'

'Nothing concerning the members directly, but a little about personal experience.'

'How did you manage?'

'Convincing myself that those experiences have nothing to do with my family and everything with me.'

'That doesn't go overnight.'

'No, it doesn't.' He lashed out one last time before stopping to catch his breath. 'I've been selfish over those experiences for a long time. Since finding out I have nothing in my head, I pushed it a little harder.' I turned around completely and saw him pricking his finger against his head with a tired grin on his face. 'I am a selfish person after all.'

'Being overly selfish because you don't have an identity isn't strange.'

'Yeah, but actually finding out I'd wanted to have succeeded in killing Ging wasn't the highlight of my life.' I inclined my head to calculate where that conclusion had come from, but it was fairly obvious,

'Hisoka.' He nodded. The redhead loves to push.

'Know what else I found out?' He turned back around and continued with his other leg. 'That I'm more like you than I want. That the persons I like are the more intelligent ones, one way or the other. I want them to be a match to me, or they need to be able to teach me. I do _not_ like it when dirty tricks are involved though.'

'You're referring to my "friendship" with Hisoka.' He gave a short nod, 'That's a question of mutual beneficiency.' I lay the towels down on the floor before walking over to the boy, and stopped right behind him. 'Well, now that you can talk about your life, answer me; the first time your parents came to visit, the images on the recordings seem off. Why?' He stopped again and seemed to think back a second.

'Oh! That! After the first week, right?' He looked up and around, 'We made it seem like something was off to occupy you, making sure you'd be distracted from important things. Didn't know it worked so well.' An accomplished grin crossed his face. At least that was solved now.

'One other thing.'

'Shoot.' He shrugged and let me continue. He's too cooperative for what he's experienced. This will have to be addressed Sunday,

'I need to test something. Give me your shirt.' He gave me a questioning look and raised his eyebrow,

'Why?' I held out my hand and waited untill he obeyed. He sighed loudly and eventually did pull it over his head by his back. 'Fine, here you go.' The moment he handed it to me, I had to notice that the amount of scars on his upper body had increased. That didn't happen during our training. When, since Sunday, had there been the opportunity for these to appear?

'Where did those extra scars come from?' I decided to just ask immediately instead of waiting 'till the next session. But he didn't give an answer this time, he just looked away and denied my question. Most probably he's using brute training to cope with everything. That explains his cooperation, but it is a potentially dangerous thing.

I wrapped the shirt around my entire left hand as tightly and without creases as was possible before reaching it out to his head. 'I'll ask again in session, you will let Machi stitch them if you gain new ones. I see my marks have disappeared completely.' He turned his head back to me when I lay my hand on top of his head and started moving it slowly and softly.

**###**

Apparently I'm not being actively monitored if they don't know where the scars come from. They'll probably check the footage if I don't answer next time though. I'm not exactly proud of it that the only way I can survive is to train 'till the point I actually get new scars.

'Yeah, those marks were gone a couple of days… ago…?' He ignored what I said in favor of gently feeling his way over my head. The touches were so soft that I didn't exactly know what to do with them. We wouldn't have contact anymore, right? So what's he trying to achieve?

Ultimately he landed with his fingertips just behind my right ear, and narrowed the movement. He kept looking at me, but I was too on-guard to really read what his purpose was,

'Can… can you not- _Aah!'_ I yelled and wanted to pull away immediately when I felt the stinging pain of his fingers penetrating my skin. But he'd curled his other fingers around my neck and kept me in place. He pressed his finger on the wound immediately, 'You fucking _bastard!_ ' I wanted to attack immediately, but stopped the moment he held some kind of miniature device in front of my eyes. _Had that come out from under my fucking skin?!_

'Your right ear had slightly started twitching involuntarily yesterday, although hardly noticeable. You were still doing it now, so I did a check. Is it something of your parents'?'

'I don't know, what the hell is it?' He pulled his hand away from my head, and I lifted mine to check the wound. I'd barely felt an irritation, not enough to alert me to something like this. Seems like he really just broke skin. If this was from my parents, then it should be able to get through detectors, else it was from either of these three shrinks. I looked at him after he handed me the device, and started unwrapping the shirt from his hand. _What would either of their motivations be?_ I looked back at the device, 'Is it a tracker? Skin surveillance?' He cocked his head,

'So it's not your parents'.'

'Like hell I know. They completely reinvent their stock every couple of weeks. Surveillance as well. It could be them, it could be Chrollo, it could be Hisoka, it could be you.' I made sure the bite in my tone was clearly heard. There was no real reason for Hisoka to plant anything on me, he has enough control with his surveillance as is – even with Feitan being semi-berserk at the moment. Chrollo had reason enough, and could've done it during our fall-out at the house. Dad had reasons plenty to keep an eye on me because he doesn't believe I've separated with Gon, but did Illumi have a reason?

'Since I can't denounce the possibility, I won't. You're allowed to investigate it yourself.' I held it up into the light some more, but it really didn't look like anything I knew. 'Also, if you're interested in taking Chrollo down, you should work on being less obvious with your body's involuntary reactions.'

'Oy!' He turned and walked back to the towels, when the lights were turned off. We had just passed midnight and lights out. If Illumi has a reason to put a track or surveillance on me and then take it out, it's beyond me. He knows I'm too careful to have him gain trust with this.

I'll just take a look at this thing Sunday, after opening the spiderbox.

'If you actually keep away from me, I won't have any trouble keeping things hidden!' I still yelled after him, but scowled when I realized what I'd just said. _I really need a better goddamn filter._

'You're desperate for contact, you show signs even when I'm not touching you.' He almost disappeared into the shower, and of course I had to open my big mouth again,

'Oh, then what did you call your small change in heart rate then?'

'Being careful to avoid a trigger.'

'As if being careful ever caused a change in heart rate with you.' _Well, if I'm taking this road, better travel it all the way._ He disappeared into the changing rooms though, and I threw the sweaty shirt on the ground to follow,

'It does when it can cause something as significant as losing time.' _Alright, point taken._ Hisoka's busy, and Chrollo's on the loose. I stopped following when he stopped in the opening leading to the actual showers. 'I suggest you turn away if you want to prevent forming any kind of contact.' The silence stretched on just long enough for me to change colors and snarl at him a little. He left through the door opening after that, and I heard him turning on the water.

'Fine, I'll just do some more training then.' _That was the whole purpose of this intense training, wasn't it? Beating this kind of stuff out of my body._

Wait,

No.

God _damnit_ brain!

I had just actually admitted to myself that I had the inkling inside of me that Chrollo and Illumi had said I had. _I'm being fucking brainwashed by you guys, and you can't convince me otherwise._

I hit my head against the wall _hard_ to pound the thought out of me.

When that didn't work, I repeated until I noticed it would never work – my memory's too good for that – and I walked on.

I trust absolutely _no-one_ with my mental state in this entire institution, why would I subconsciously fucking trust any of them with my body? Because he trains me? Because my parents fucked me up more than they've done and I still "trust" them because there's benefits?

_I goddamn hate logic, I need to get my head out of my ass and start thinking and fending for myself._

_I could really, really use a normal friend that actually deserves my trust, right now._

* * *

After the shower, I noticed Killua had destroyed the punching bag, and hung up another one. By then I'd also seen that his back bore new scars as well. I need to borrow Hisoka's eyes to find out if they are indeed from intensification of his own training, or if someone else has inflicted them.

I also need to make sure to stay away from Killua outside of session and training, his desperation for contact is stronger than his common sense. He will be eaten alive by Chrollo if he keeps showing obvious signs.

Obsessing on training wasn't something I was going to fix tonight though, and I left him alone with it to finally continue my research on Chrollo's drug. By now it's time to connect the dots to figure out the effects of the substances on each other and on me.

That was harder to do from the moment Chrollo entered the infirmary as well, after about half an hour.

For a while he just silently observed, but unfortunately that didn't last forever.

'What are your findings?'

'Merely finding out the chemicals in it isn't enough. I need to research how they interact with each other and with me. You have a patient in the morning, why are you here.' Being interrupted by the one who gave me the substance annoyed me. Especially because he was just as latched on to me as Hisoka and Killua by now. I don't care for contact, and yet everyone is flocking around me. This distracts me from what I want to do, and annoys me more and more. I'm merely working at this institution to get a grip on my triggers, I will be gone when that is resolved. At least in the Deliverer's world there's no such thing obligated cooperation.

'Someone like you has all of that chemical information in his head already, doesn't he?' He stepped closer.

'If you're waiting for Machi, she's left early.' I changed my tone to make it clear he wasn't wanted. Although good at multi-tasking, Chrollo's presence demands attention, and he was distracting.

'I'm aware of that.' He's distracting me for his own amusement, or he's merely interested in everything I do. Either way, he needs to go.

At that thought I deliberated for a second about the next course of action. I could easily send him away, but I won't find out anything new about him if I repeat this pattern. No matter how much he's interrupting me, new information takes precedence. Especially if I can use it to detach him from me.

So I swallowed the annoyance and switched moods – something that I could very easily do, especially if it would shorten someone's attachment in the end.

'Of how much of you is she actually even aware? Considering she loves you so much.' I didn't look away from the papers in front of me, and connected the dots here and there; but focus was on Chrollo.

'Hm, that's an odd thing for you to ask. It sounds so protective.' My mind slowly started to calm down from all the interruptions again.

'Curiosity. You're off-limits to everyone, and don't have contact with anyone in this institution, save for Machi. For some reason she loves you so much she ignores this rule for you; it makes me wonder what she knows about you that would make her this way.'

'It's not impossible for her to just be in love with who I am, is it? It's a really off-handed way of yours to ask about my life.'

'You're misunderstanding, I'm not curious to your life. The only things I want to know are why this off-limits rule actually exists, and why you keep away from everyone but Machi and apparently me. That it's connected to oddities in your life is inescapable.' If we'd met outside of this institution, we could've simply fought to the death, and it'd be over in seconds. Instead I'm left to deal with him this way. I would've preferred to dissect his mind under my circumstances, not the institution's.

'Is that all you want to know, why I'm off-limits?'

'I don't ask directly because you're not going to give me an answer, that's why I asked through Machi.'

'Machi is a brave woman.'

'Why does her being close to you make her a brave woman.' At this point I stood up and turned around to face him; stop pretending that I'm actually working. I leaned back against the desk. I saw his lips curl up very slightly.

'Do you know what happened to the Kurta clan, Kurapika's family?'

'Ah, you did something to them, right? Hisoka told me this, but all that's publicly known is their mass-grave.' Simply something like this wouldn't force him to become a ghost. He has done something else to them.

'I hear you don't know a lot about it.'

'And you're suddenly going to tell me about it? After all you've done to conceal yourself? Don't insult me.' I tilted my head and threatened him a little with my eyes,

'I'd never be so blunt, I'm not going to say anything. But I think Killua will.' He placed a small box with the same spider logo as on Killua's box next to my papers. I followed it with my eyes 'till he started talking again, standing closer to me, 'Before you waste time in finding my motives to allowing you to find information on me, let me explain it very simply.'

'Everything I'm going to find on you concerning this, will either push Killua away from me, or pull me closer to you.' That's all the motive he's had from the start.

'That's indeed the easiest way to put it.'

'That there's a chance of Killua being pushed away from me by means of information on you, suggests that I've had previous dealings with you that I'm unaware of.' That could be a possibility through my lost time, but it's easily investigated by checking if the date of the Kurta massacre overlap with my trigger.

'Or that there's been cooperation with Deliverers you know.'

'Knowing the general mental state of my kind, I don't hold it above them that they'd be stupid enough to work with you.' I raised my voice a little. I don't like other Deliverers, I just like doing my job.

'You don't think highly of Deliverers.'

'I have my share of examples, and one that raised me, to justify my opinion.' Most of them belong in this institution as level 3 or 4 patients. They're not worth the title of Mental Breaker.

'The question now is, if the consequences of information on me are legitimate, are you going to prohibit Killua from digging into it?' It was very slight, but his eyes were showing a gleam. He was enjoying this exchange,

'I will still not influence Killua's investigation.'

'Hm, your choice.' Killua's going to find out about the Kurta massacre either way through spoken contact with Kurapika. Investigating the logo on the box or not, is not going to influence the outcome. Kurapika is someone capable of giving clear explanation, and he will subdue any information that will drive me to Chrollo.

'If it's true that you've worked with me or my kind in the past, it could be a reason why you're trying to get me to your side. However, I doubt your tenacity for this could come from cooperation with most of the unintentionally suicidal colleagues I know. What are you trying to achieve with connecting yourself to me, still remains the biggest ques-' I shot up and grabbed his wrist, twisting him down again in a second, when he'd extended his hand to my face and touched me with his fingertips. I set my knee in his back, but let go of his wrist immediately again; he was still wearing a loose, sleeveless shirt because of sleeping, there was nothing but skin to hold on to. Instead, I just set my hand in between his shoulder blades.

'You don't know when to stop.' Somewhere I'd thought that he indeed would stop simply triggering me, but it seemed it was still one of his tactics. I could feel relaxation in his body though. He turned his head to the side,

'But your heartbeat does.' He smiled when he saw the realization on my face, my eyes opening wider,

'When you took me to my house, you inserted some of your drug already.' I hadn't considered this possibility yet… It'd had a delayed effect then? Because I'd still been triggered by Hisoka directly after… But I couldn't deny the effect right now. There was no increased heartbeat whatsoever, even though the touch had been long enough before I went into a fighting mindset. Especially long enough for someone as high on the trigger scale as him.

'I've been letting Machi work on this longer than you think. Does it have the desired effect?' I relocated my hand to push him down harder close to his neck,

'What are the side effects?' He got to feel the full extent of fear from me. No matter the positive effect it was having, I wasn't feeling merciful for him having done this in my most vulnerable state, and I set my nails against his skin under the cloth,

'For as far as Machi's research goes, nothing significant.'

'I'll decide the significance for myself, you'll leave me alone until I've figured this out.' If it would've been able to make a drug without negative consequences, I would've made it myself by now.

'Not a problem.' I realized the danger of what I was doing, but this new kind of feeling was so alien to me that I momentarily decided to take a calculated risk. I ran my fingertips carefully up and down his arm, and confirmed that there was no change in my heartbeat whatsoever. Chrollo was far from being off the trigger scale, this was… 'It's nice to touch someone that interests you without losing control, isn't it?' It was causing other reactions in my body, and I needed to step away. For nine years I have walked around without being able to do this, the sensation now starting to push away my logic was creating discomfort. 'Now that little increase isn't my fault, is it.' I need to step away from him. 'What do you want to do?'

'You're going to leave so I can finish the research on my own.' I pushed my knee down a little harder before standing up from him, and let him find his own way to his feet. Although the doubt to my actions couldn't have lasted for more than a second, it'd still lasted longer than desired. He dusted himself off before still continuing,

'I'm curious to the-'

'Just go, Chrollo. You're being an ass.' I looked past Chrollo and saw Killua standing against the doorframe with his arms crossed. He'd stopped training,

'I will see both of you again on Sunday.' With a short nod, he said his goodbye and Killua let him pass.

'It's a cold day in hell that I'm doing this for you instead of Hisoka.'

'Why are you here?' I pushed the previous experience away. Killua is searching out the contact if he's looking for me again already.

'Apparently to find out there's something that stops you from having triggers. But also to ask Machi to take a look at my ankle. I may have overdone it tonight, it's not broken but maybe close.' He wiggled the concerning foot a little.

'You're coming to Machi voluntarily.' I nudged for him to sit down on the bed. I knelt down and started feeling around the area. _Still no trigger._

'… …' This was as stunning to Killua as it still was to me.

'There's a little swelling, you should just keep it cold and -'

'You're actually alright.' He poked my hand with his free one and had the look of some kind of childlike wonder when nothing happened. 'Ah, oh, yeah, compared to training now, I don't really care about Machi's treatments anymore. She's annoying, but you don't want contact and I thought you couldn't treat me anyway…' He slowly stopped poking me when he realized what he was doing.

'I'll get an icepack that stays around your ankle. '

'Thanks.' I stopped at my research papers a second on the way to getting this for Killua. I would find out the side effects of this drug in the next couple of days, in the meantime I need to do my research thoroughly. If it's something I want to keep using, I'll find out how to recreate it. I will not be dependant on Chrollo. 'Hey, is that..?' Killua'd gotten up and followed me to the desk, immediately going for the smaller version of his box.

'The logo has to do with Chrollo and his involvement in the Kurta massacre. This box is empty.' I walked on to get what he needed.

'Why'd he let y- oh.' He realized before finishing his question. 'Information on this is supposed to push us apart.'

'He also told me of Death Deliverer's involvement during that; but not much is known about the event, and none of my colleagues ever told me of Chrollo. Seeing as he went through great lengths to be a ghost, it would be logical he killed the ones involved.' However, I never noticed or heard of a decrease in Mental Breakers before or after the Kurta event. And there's not a lot of us either way. If what he's saying is correct, evidence is increasing that I've worked together with him in the past.

'If Deliverers were involved or not, he's most probably silenced them already. No use in pursuing that. I'll just open my box this weekend.'

'What did you find in the room your father took you to?' I handed him the icepack when he started getting attention for the papers with my research, and he mindlessly took it from me.

'Hostage abandonment. You know, it's more than weird that Chrollo's creating circumstances that allow us better cooperation, but I'm ordered to investigate this box by dad, so I will. I'm not really interested in what's happening with Chrollo, but he keeps involving me even though he's been the catalyst to _everything_ gone wrong for me. I hate his fucking guts and I don't want him to get what he wants.'

'Then you're offering to keep contact either way to work against his goal. You're suggesting I won't be able to ward off Chrollo on my own.' He looked up at me,

'I'm asking what would've happened if I hadn't intervened just now. You still have a weakness. Even with this drug, it's still something Chrollo gave you, and unreliable. At the moment I don't really have a weakness.' _You're keeping everything inside and training yourself to scars, and your body is demanding contact. That is weakness._

'You know it's Chrollo's plan to drive you towards me so your feelings for me would become even more of a weakness. You will be more of a liability than I'm willing to handle.'

'I'll be a liability either way. At least this way you will know more about me and be able to handle future situations better. I'm not supposed to have an identity either way in my profession. It's better if we just bypass that process altogether.' He intends to keep latching on to me, and become like me.

'You're choosing the lesser of two evils without trusting any of us?'

'No, I don't trust any of you, but that doesn't matter. All I'm doing is making sure Chrollo doesn't get what he wants. If I'm really in a state where my personality latches onto the nearest possibility, it's best if I copy you, right, if I want him gone.'

'You notice the difference between now and during your friendship with Gon.'

'Yes I do. I also know I'm in trigger range with you, and some miracle drug Chrollo's just given you is subduing it.' He grabbed and lifted my hand to prove his point. 'I hope your research doesn't find any nasty long term side effects.' He dropped my hand again afterwards. 'Well?' He turned his body completely towards me, 'Even if just temporary, is it acceptable for you to forego giving me an identity for now to take down Chrollo?'

'You're talking about temporary, but you have less than five months left here to find your identity. After that you're out of our reach.'

'Don't worry about that timeframe, I…' He hesitated and stopped at that point,

'Gon will not be able to leave here until you're capable to hide him and his family from your parents – or you choose to let go of him. You're not extending your stay, and you're not foregoing forming an identity. The only way I will agree to intensify contact again, is if you'll subject yourself to more intrusive sessions, and I'll have Nobunaga supervise one on one sessions with other patients, so you can find out more about yourself through interaction. Having your own will instead of simply latching on to me is the better way to keep Chrollo at bay. I'll make the decision for the next course of action after tomorrow.' That's even more time I'll lose. But our goals seem to align, and for this time our methods as well. I looked at him unblinkingly for a couple seconds. Chrollo is not wasting time, he has a clear planning of what should happen. This planning needs to be undone.

'Alright. I'll leave you to your research then.' There was an unclear moment where Killua hesitated to go. His heartbeat increased a little, but he just nodded and walked out the door. The way this cooperation will develop his attachment to me is the liability Chrollo is looking for, it's a risk. But it won't be as long as my mind is clear.

I was ready to turn around and go straight back to research, but was interrupted when a mere couple of seconds later, Killua came walking back in. He stopped in his tracks when our eyes found each other and he slowly set his lifted foot down when he noticed I wanted distance. He breathed in through his nose a couple of times as if subtly smelling something, and I had to ask him to leave if his body wasn't falling apart. I'd had enough distractions by now.

Looking up at me, he asked one thing. Determination had made place for something else,

'This will benefit your research, let me-'

'There's nothing you can do for my research. You will leave before I decide to persuade Zeno to lift the rule to break you.' His mouth snarled up a little, but his eyes still showed a little uncertainty before he spoke up.

'Fine! One of the substances in that stuff he's given you, has pheromones, it's peaking a little now.'

'What makes you say that.' I was still annoyed, but Killua wouldn't say something like that for kicks. It could be one of the ways Chrollo's trying to make the connection a liability though.

'You come of as an animal in heat.' I tilted my head and threatened with my look to make him leave, but all he did was step closer to prove his theory. _He doesn't know his boundaries._

When he reached out his hand, I grabbed his wrist and twisted it behind his back. Somehow the small struggle that ensued ended up in him being pressed face forward into my abdomen with both his arms captured behind him.

'Even now that I've given permission to have contact with me, you will obey when I say to leave me alone, you will obey when I ask you to do anything. Your body needs to rest for our next training, don't disappointment me.' I could feel the breathing in his chest movement very pointedly against my body at this point, and I heard an evilly intended, muffled reply,

'Still ignoring it?'

'If you're noticing I'm "in heat", does that mean it affected you?'

'It means your heart is pumping faster and there's a shitload of pheromones in the air, don't fucking turn this on me!' He started wriggling a little, trying to get out of my grip.

'It has picked up slightly, but you're showing more symptoms of being affected than I am.' I felt his growl against my abdomen before his struggle increased. I asked the next question directly, because Chrollo actually putting something like that in the drug seemed utterly ridiculous. 'Perhaps your training has made your body more persistent to forget something it's started to learn than I thought. Maybe it is easier to just finish the sexual act instead of beating it out of you.' It would certainly save me a lot of time.


	32. Saturday 26th - Yes you do

'I do _not_ want to have sex with you! If I'm showing signs, it's because of that fucking stuff Chrollo gave you!'

'If I would be in "heat", it would be impossible for-' I held my breath halfway through that sentence when I heard a familiar pair of footsteps approach. Killua gave me a short, relieved laugh when I realized he'd been right. _Hisoka really is a wild animal._

'Should I come back later?' He casually leaned back against the doorframe, and gave me an interested look. 'It seems you two have a nice game going on there.' Lazily pointing at the boy pressed face first against me,

'Chrollo gave me the medicine against triggers while I was in lost time. Seems it has pheromones in it as well.'

'Why would he put that in there?'

'Do you notice an increase?' He walked closer, all the while Killua was still trying to get away with his small struggles.

'Hm~ you're definitely more appealing, but that could also be because of this…' I heard a strained sound from Killua when Hisoka pressed him tighter against me when reaching to touch my face. He let his fingertips glide along my cheek and jawline, gauging my reaction. 'Oh~ all the fun we could have while having you conscious of your actions…' He let his hand linger a second, looking straight in my eyes, but he stepped away in the end. 'I do like you more in your animalistic mode, but I'm up for experimentation.'

'Can you guys experiment when I'm not here?!'

'Will you leave when I let you go?' Killua took a deep breath before answering,

'… fine.' I released his arms, and he very quickly set a couple steps away from us. He looked like he wanted to say something, but ultimately just turned away. My attention went back to Hisoka.

'That little boy is not incorrect, it seems Chrollo has done something in that drug. Or perhaps it's just a little side-effect.'

'It could be a trick of him to force Killua on me, to indeed make our contact a weakness…' I stopped for a second when I noticed that what Chrollo had put in the drug was indeed having quite the effect on the redhead, '… Your breathing is increasing, but even before Killua I had no patience for company. There's no exception for you.' I narrowed my eyes at him a little,

'Too bad I can't coerce you anymore…' I needed to do my research. Somehow whenever I do, everyone deems it necessary to disturb me at the same time.

'I don't have time for your pent-up frustration, Hisoka, go away.' But he didn't leave, instead he seemed very willing to instigate a fight to get what he wanted. His hand reached out to me, but contrary to Chrollo, Hisoka didn't go down willingly. He twisted his arm free and tried to reverse the situation. When this didn't work immediately, and I took a small distance, I could see he was willing to go far to get his way tonight.

'You're going to do this in the infirmary?' I cocked my head asking the question. The laugh that exited his mouth after, told me he was enjoying it more thahn he normally did.

'Oh don't worry, I'll be done in a minute.'

'You always stretch the experience, you never—' I stepped a little to the side when Hisoka came back with an attack to my head. I turned around him and was ready to sweep his legs away, but he didn't allow it. His elbow extended back and hit me just below the ribs. He turned with me, and I had to step back to avoid another attack. _I need to spar more with someone of my skill, I'm getting dull._ In that step back he grabbed a sheet from the bed and threw it at me to camouflage his movement.

I hate to be trapped like that, but the time I found his whereabouts again, was the moment he had me face down on the floor with my wrists pinned besides me on the floor, and his ankles over my legs to keep them in place. I turned my head to face him the best I could.

'I will cut the one thing you love most off you, if you don't let me go right now.' Not entirely intentionally, I released a whole lot of fear to make Hisoka back off. But this was only arousing for the man on top of me.

'Do you know why I started this fight?'

'… …' I didn't care anymore at this point; everyone tonight was proving the entire point I'm opposed to contact.

'You've become soft. And you expect to take Chrollo on at this level? You should be ashamed of yourself.' He leaned back on his knees a little, 'Even though I love the fact that you're drawing the boy in with your sexuality – not entirely your choice, he _is_ 14 after all – you can't deny that it's never been so easy for me to pin you. Might I suggest… some more midnight sparring between the two of us?' He leant his head down and set his teeth softly in my ass. Tonight was a night of harassment. I wanted to take advantage of his shifted position, but we were interrupted when Killua apparently wanted to make another point after all, and walked back in. He's very insistent on making himself clear tonight. I looked up at him, and felt Hisoka grin before moving away from my ass and simply lay the weight of his lower body on top of me.

Killua took the scene in for a moment, but apparently he'd had enough.

He raised his hands and looked away.

'You know what, I don't fucking care anymore. I was right, I don't need you confirming that, do whatever the hell you want, I'm gone.' He turned around to walk away, washing his hands on the whole ordeal. Meanwhile, Hisoka's arousal wasn't getting any smaller, and started rubbing up against me.

'You have a point, but I will break you in two if you don't let me do my research right now. Just help yourself tonight.' I could feel his heavy breaths when he was trying to subdue himself. He lowered his head next to mine, and started to whisper in my ear. I could feel the vibration in his throat,

' _Mm~ I want to fight you, I want to break you, I want to take you, it really is too bad Chrollo's drug is working._ ' He flicked his tongue out to lick my ear,

'You can fight me and attempt to break me when we train, and I am not convinced of letting you take me outside of a trigger. So you either step away by yourself, or I will use a skill to literally break myself free.' He took a couple of deep breaths before complying. The only reason I haven't used that technique is because I need him in one piece, and he knows.

'Pre tell, my dear Illumi-kun,' he leaned back against one of the beds, '…I've always taken you when you were in a trigger, have you had sexual experiences or preferences outside of one?'

'I don't need that kind of contact.' His grin widened and his eyebrows raised,

'I'm curious if that's still the truth.'

* * *

Walking in on Hisoka and Illumi doing that stuff had actually been pushed back quite a lot during the night. I hadn't been able to sleep at all, but that had more to do with the fact that after half an hour of restlessly tossing and turning in my bed, I'd just gotten up and gone back to training. There's a lot of things crawling just under the surface of my skin that want to be acknowledged, but I'm not letting them. I will just focus on subtly making Chrollo pay, and sit out the remaining five months. After that, making sure Gon's family gets the protection they need, and returning to my old life. Transfer to another class or school may help as well.

_"We're keeping your date of release in mind, when jobs come up with a deadline after that, we'll give them to you."_

That's what dad said. Should I feel bad that I'm actually looking forward to doing a couple of hits? Maybe I just want to do something familiar again. I can't… no matter how much I want it, I can't adapt to this new situation, that's why my skin keeps crawling. Everything that's happening here feels so alien.

That's why I was grateful for some distraction when Kurapika came to visit in the morning. Illumi was only present for a short second to oversee the arrival, and told us it was forbidden to go out.

_"The only reason you were allowed to go out with Gon, was because his history was a lot more clean than Kurapika's."_

He'd given that as a reason, but it left me with more questions than answers. A lot more clean? What could Gon possibly have done..? Has he been involved with Ging's practices..?

I pushed it to the back of my mind though, there was no use worrying over that. I could see that Kurapika was as glad as I was when Illumi let us be.

'Well you look…' I looked back at him when he paused a moment, probably figuring out how to be polite. But the look on my face begged him to just be blunt, '…you look dead, actually.' He laughed a little when I let my head fall and sighed loudly,

'Thanks, I look how I feel.' At least with a change of face one time a week, maybe I'll feel alive a little,

'Well, how do these visits usually go?' He didn't look too hot himself, though. I hadn't seen it before, but now that I'm more aware of his family history, I can see the wear and tear on him. Mostly figuratively, but he did have a small skin discoloration just below his eye. That's a nasty place to have a scar, it testifies of either a lot of luck or skill, that he hasn't suffered eye damage from an attack that caused that thing.

'Usually I just go somewhere with Gon for two hours with Illumi stalking us, after that it's just hanging around here, having some fun.' I could easily say his name, but only because I was pushing the situation concerning him as far down in my heart as I possibly could. _It's left a bigger hole inside of me than I can fill, I need to stay away from it._

'You really miss him, don't you.'

'Don't ask stupid questions.'

'Sorry 'bout that.' I'd led Kurapika to my room and sat cross-legged down on the bed, he rolled the desk chair closer to me, and leant his arms on his legs. Not a lot about him made sense, but I stand by my first judgment on him – he's not a bad guy.

But he was someone who had his entire family slaughtered by Chrollo, right? How can I subtly ask him how he managed to stay sane through all of that, without sounding like an ass…

'What's happening with you right now? What are they doing to you?' I sighed exasperated and hung my head again, I heard him laughing in response again, 'That bad, huh.'

'I really didn't want to get involved in your mess.' I turned my eyes back up at him, and I saw an apology in his expression, 'But it's impossible to get out of it. I really, really hate Chrollo's guts, so I've just chosen to work with Illumi for as far as he's useful to me, and will stay under dad's radar.'

'You're not risking trust again, are you.' I closed my eyes and shook my head.

'Although I'm betrayed by my fucking body every step of the way, I don't trust anything they say or do.'

'Your body wants contact?'

'Gon left quite a big hole.' The silence after that stretched a little, and I felt I got the sympathy, but the moment was interrupted when Kurapika got an amused, but concerned smile on his face. '… …?' I cocked my head and looked at him questioningly,

'I'm sorry, you probably don't want to hear this.'

'Come on, spill it.' I raised my voice a little,

'Really though, it's okay. I don't want to do this to you.' He raised his hands in defense,

'Say it!' I picked up my pillow, and threatened to use it.

'You're threatening me?' His amusement grew.

'I'm not afraid to use it.' I punched in it a couple of times, trying my best to keep a straight face. Kurapika covered his mouth when he started to laugh, but did speak up when I raised the pillow to start a fight.

'I'm sorry, I… you really _don't_ want me to say this…' He paused a second, he was still hesitant. When I threatened again, he spoke up, 'You're gonna hit me either way …but alright, just think about this then... You, you've never really had an attraction to someone, have you? Your body can't be missing that. I mean, you look and sound really flustered when you talk about him. If it really was just physical you wouldn't have a problem with it, would you? I mean, the hole Gon left was friendship, right? And your folks have put you through harsher training than this, haven't they?' I stopped the pillow midair, and Kurapika backed off a little. 'I mean, I'm sure you don't like feeling physically drawn to him for whatever reason, but I'm guessing it's not entirely gotten through to you that something like that could also mean you like him in some strange, subconscious, maybe just respectful way.' He dodged the pillow when it was aimed at his head with a force, and it hit the door behind him. I stood up on the bed and raised my fist when I started yelling,

'I trust that freak about as far as I can throw him, and that's not very fucking far! I feel physically attracted for now because of my upbringing, I feel emotionally attracted because of Gon's death, don't fucking tell me I actually have a thing for him just because of how messed up the hit on Yellmi went!' He blinked a couple of times before I calmed myself down a little again. _And he'd been fucking amused about this?!_ He carefully composed his answer before answering,

'You don't really chose who you like, it happens. Doesn't matter if you trust someone or not. And I know you're not waiting to hear this concerning Illumi. God knows I wish you a lot more sane person than him.' I dropped my fist, 'I'm sure there's a lot of reasons to explain your current emotions, and I'm sure everyone's always throwing theories and logic at you, I'm sorry for doing the same. I'm actually here to help you relax, I shouldn't do the same thing they do, should I.' I huffed angrily a couple of moments before sitting down again, and I closed my eyes,

'What I said before could easily be explained by what you've been told by others, but in the end it boils down to a simple thing, doesn't it. It was just a hunch I got. I can understand where your psychologists are coming from, but they are either logical or instinctual, they don't really care or talk about your feelings, do they.' Even with my body messed up like it is, something like "liking" is just ridiculous. It would imply something long-term. It's illogical, dangerous and would cloud the end goal; I just need to help him take down Chrollo, after that it's just sitting out the remaining time here. Then it's back to my old life. At the most I'm feeling respect, that's all.

'Feelings are only troublesome in my line of work, I push them away to survive.' Looking at my future, it was best to just ignore them.

'Even your parents found each other at a certain point in time, didn't they?' I slid my eyes open a little.

'Who says it wasn't just an arrangement to continue our line of work.'

'I think they would've stopped having kids sooner. The more kids, the more—'

'Chance one will survive to carry on the name.'

'-the more risk at being exposed.'

'… …'

'But that's all just logic. What do you think, do your parents love each other?' I sighed and closed my eyes again. _I don't want to search my feelings. I am very deliberately staying away from those._

He lay a hand softly on top of my head, he was warm,

'I… can logically understand that your first instinct in this situation is to lock your emotions away to be able to survive. Still, your entire being is subconsciously begging for contact. It'll only take time for it to all burst.' He stopped for a second, and stroke through my hair a little with his thumb. 'Your mind is probably very clear right now, isn't it?' I nodded slightly, his voice was soothing, and I started to calm down,

'Emotionally, all I can tell you is that to me, you feel empty and frail. You'll probably see it all coming when everything's going to crash down on you, but you won't have the resolve to live when the time comes. Trust me, I know. Please don't just take everything they hand you, you don't have to be just like them.' I lifted my head a little when I heard some emotion surface in his voice. I could see he was having a little trouble keeping himself composed.

'The last thing I want to do is become just like them, but there's not a lot of choice left.'

'You can become yourself.' I felt a shiver going through me when Kurapika's emotional advice overlapped with Illumi's logical advice.

'I…'

'Doesn't matter you don't know how to do that. You'll find out. I'll be available if you need me.' He shifted his hand to my cheek and kept it there a couple seconds before retreating it again. 'Be glad. That you've been able to feel love with Gon, means you now know what it is, and it'll be easier to start loving yourself as well.' I pouted a second when a thought crossed my mind. Kurapika noticed, and gave me a questioning look,

'How old are you?'

'21, why?'

'You… you sound like Gon's mother.' He started laughing again before responding.

'You wondered if I ever had kids of my own?' I turned my head away, 'Thank god I haven't.' _Yeah, they'd have been slaughtered by Chrollo to._ 'I just live on my own, and I work to get by until Chrollo's been able to pay for what he's done. I know revenge doesn't bring back anyone, but letting someone like him walk free isn't exactly the state of a world I can live in.' I looked back and nodded.

'Understandable.' I was deliberating if I was going to bring up the spiderbox. After all the comforting words he just provided, it felt a little cruel to remind him of it.

'What's wrong? You look hesitant.'

'Nothing important.'

'If you're concerned about bringing up something from my past, don't worry, there's not a moment I don't think about it. It would actually do me good if all these crushing experiences could mean something for someone.'

' _You_ should become a shrink then.' I had to say it. In all the time I've been here, this was actually the first time I felt comforted in my situation.

'Thank you, that actually means a lot to me.' He gave me a big smile for that, and he started radiating joy in that second, 'But what is it you're hesitant to ask?'

'Ah…' I still hesitated a moment, but eventually just sighed deeply and dug up the little box in my pocket. I felt guilty when I saw his reaction upon seeing it though,

He stood up and let the chair fall over, physically backing off a step, mentally into a corner. The horror on his face before covering his mouth with his hand to subdue the feeling, made me decide to put it away again immediately. For a split second I'd seen the accumulation of pain he's been forced to endure all this time, and it cut right through me.

'I'm sorry, I…' He started trying to collect himself, but it would take a while before he'd be back to normal with that kind of shock. 'I didn't mean to…' He shut his eyes tightly and forced away any and all emotion that was surfacing. _After all that you've said, you're_ not _allowed to do that._

In a moment of anger to that, I jumped off the bed and wanted to slap his face to return him to normal. As soon as he slumped to his knees I noticed he wasn't holding anything back, though. He wasn't making a sound, but tears were starting to roll down his face.

I stopped right in front of him,

'I believe you when you say you live with these emotions every day, but this box has more meaning than just connection to the event, doesn't it.' He nodded a little. 'Else you would react more strongly with the mention of Chrollo as well.'

'I really… really want to tell you…'

'But you can't?' He nodded. 'I just want to ask you one thing about it then.' I waited until he gave permission, 'Is it dangerous to open? What's inside of it?' He had to take a couple of very deep breaths before he was able to properly respond, he opened his eyes again and looked down at the ground.

'Don't open it without protection. If it's unused, there could be a gas trigger inside.'

'That's all?' He shook his head. 'What else then?'

'Unused, there will be blackmail note in it, with a suicide pill in case the gas didn't work.' _One hell of a blackmail note then if it would drive someone to suicide,_

'And opened?'

'Depends on who it was meant for.' There was no death in the room my dad took me to, so it was most probably unopened. Explains why the hostages left it- wait, this means the hostages had been Kurta? Those conditions they'd been placed in came from Chrollo? Then this little box was like the single bullet for them to kill themselves with… 'Where did you get it.' Looking back up after wiping his face a little, he looked like he was calming down. 'I thought I'd taken care of all of its deviants...' _Deviants? Then this was the first one? How did he know?_ I was a bit surprised when Kurapika didn't seem to recall the address I mentioned to him,

'They were locked up for several weeks.'

'No torture?' I shook my head. _What the hell did Chrollo put you guys through?_ He took my hand as help when standing back up. 'I'll look into it for you.'

'Dad's looking into it as well, be careful.'

'Thanks. I'm sorry for freaking out like that.' I shrugged it off. 'Is it too much to ask to change the subject for now?' I shook my head. I had an ally besides my dad on the outside now, that was good enough for me. 'It's too bad we can't go out, I think we could both use it by now.' _Well, couldn't deny that,_ 'You caught my attention with one thing, though.' He grabbed the chair and sat back down on it again. He was using his breathing to calm himself down. Slowly but surely, his heartbeat was steadying. 'It's a little out of the blue, but if you don't mind me asking, a little while back you said you "couldn't possibly have a thing for Illumi because of how things went with Yellmi?" Who's Yellmi? What happened with him?'

* * *

'You're so much fun when you're denying you're tired.'

'Go away, Hisoka.'

'Can't interest you for a drink?'

'Alcohol has virtually no effect on me, and even less on you. What're you trying to achieve.'

'It's almost time for training, isn't it?' He walked in and kicked the door closed behind him. Today had actually been a quiet day for a change. I'd been able to spend almost all of my time to researching the drug. Now that I know what each chemical does in relation to another, I have to take my own chemical balance in account to determine the side effects. At the very least, I will be able to recreate it now if it's something I want to continue using.

Killua had been right though, there'd been pheromones in there. Luckily they can be left out without disrupting the positive effect.

'Is Feitan in solitary yet?' He bent over my desk and leant his arms and head down on it, looking up at me. It's been a long time since he's put someone in solitary, and he will never do so for the conventional reasons. Hisoka has a history of patients that don't want to leave anyway. Level 5's seem to like it with him, there's no need to put them in solitary. He started to smile,

'I can almost hear your thoughts. "Those patients of yours never want to leave at all, why have you ever put someone in solitary in the first place when you love playing with them so much." Are you thinking about those two from last year? Because those girls were a lot of fun.'

'You let them hijack your surveillance, you let two level 5's interact continuously in the first place, that wasn't exactly good for their release. '

'They were way too much fun to let go, they did love to play games as much as I did. But to answer your question, it's been approved today, Feitan's been moved a couple of hours ago. Now I can devote all my free time to you.' Somehow he had the feeling of a cat tonight, if I'd started scratching him behind his ear, he would've started purring.

I turned my eyes away from the computer and looked directly at him, somewhere curious if he would. Hisoka being like a big cat would actually explain why Phinks disliked him. He refused to let Chrollo take him though,

'This has put Feitan closer to Gon?' I decided to subdue the thought of scratching Hisoka behind his ear, and just did it. He leaned into the feeling a little, and actually started making purring noises. Well that mystery's solved.

'Hm~ yes it has.' He moved his head to usher me to the other side, at that point I stopped.

'You're certain.'

'I am certain.' He stood back up and walked to the couch to sit down and watch me work – as he likes to do – but he leisurely stopped in his tracks when the door opened again without warning, and Killua came walking in.

'If your body's not falling apart, you will -' I already raised my voice, but he interrupted me nonetheless after kicking the door closed behind him, and he stopped in the middle of the room.

'I want you to have sex with me.' I sat there motionless behind my desk, and realized that Killua had just done the impossible – he'd surprised Hisoka. I looked over at the redhead a second, and saw nothing but shock on there.

'… …' I can't say I wasn't surprised myself,

'It'll be over quicker, right? You said that. I'll be back to my senses quicker, and you don't have to spend two hours every day to train me.' I had to shake myself out of it for a second.

'You're foregoing training to get it out of your system?'

'I'm not foregoing training, just cutting it back to two or three times a week, saves you eight to ten hours, right? On top of that I'll be clearer of mind.' I looked at Hisoka as well when Killua's eyes strayed a second. The redhead lifted a hand to his mouth to keep his laugh to himself, and then started slowly walking out of the room. We both followed him with our eyes until he closed the door behind him.

'Ah, I think you broke him.' I had to comment before giving my attention back to the white-haired boy, and raising my voice. 'I don't believe you're trying to frame me anymore, you're not stupid enough to do that here, but there's no guarantee your physical attraction to me will stop – what I said last night was not an offer, it was to get you to leave me alone. If it's not just your psyche telling you you need to finish "training", but there's actual physical attraction, it will only get worse. That's why I chose the training method. What happened during Kurapika's visit?'

'Do you honestly think I'm attracted to a creep like you?'

'What I think doesn't matter, these things have unpredictable origins.'

'That I'd ever hear you say those words.'

'Ah, but there's still a large part of your history that's unknown to us, it's not strange that I can only take estimated guesses at this. You know the consequences if it gets worse.'

'It'll become easier for Chrollo to exploit me. On the other hand, it won't directly affect you. You can withhold on information to me, and it's not like you're gonna get more attached just by having sex.' He was feeling fairly confident about all of this.

'There's no guarantee for that either. I'm already doing more for you than I normally would for any patient. Considering I don't know where that comes from yet, I'm saying no.' I could sense Hisoka's disappointment from a mile away,

'It's one time, I'm not asking for-'

'It's your first time.' He immediately went quiet when my voice raised, 'No matter your upbringing, that will be an influence on top of what I just said. I'm not changing my mind. Leave.'

'How long do you calculate my body will forget it ever did this with the training we're currently doing, considering my mind likes to be near you at the absence of Gon?'

'… …'

'It will take weeks at the least. Do you really have all that time to spend on me instead of Chrollo? Who doesn't say all that time you're spending with me isn't negatively affecting you as well? Like you said, the outcome is unpredictable. What _is_ predictable, is that you'll lose to Chrollo if you keep focused on me. Even when Hisoka has time again, he's a wildcard. Up until now he may not have done anything to destroy you, but as soon as his interest shifts, you're out of allies, aren't you?'

'… …'

'So, have sex with me.' He took his shirt off after having said all that, and I watched it violently being thrown on the couch next to him. He deserves more credit for his mind. When he actually has a clear goal, he knows exactly what to do.

I looked at him for a while, calculating my own conclusions. The reason it would be dangerous if we got close, is that Chrollo is counting on us getting that way – somehow using that to separate us permanently with what he has in mind. After that I'd be free game for him – that's the way he's thinking. I can't deny that he won't succeed if he's so certain of success.

Killua's points still stand though. I have additional sparring with Hisoka again; training with Killua will take more time than I have to spare, and he'll most likely be the only one to get more attached. Even that is unsure because he still has contact with Kurapika to focus on.

'Alright. I'll get the key to the private room, put your shirt back on.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohmygod is this really happening? Somebody pinch me!  
> I really really wanted to drop this bombshell before explaining why Killua changed his mind. 'Cos he used logic for Illumi, but like hell that he'd actually change his mind for these reasons :p  
> I am so very, very pleased with myself~
> 
> I was just sitting there, simultaneously typing and cackling, I think I may have broken myself xD  
> *sips drink* *cackles* *takes another sip* *puts mug down and continues typing* *cackles again* *pulls turtleneck over mouth and nose because it's cold* *muffled cackling*  
> It was basically that :p
> 
> But best Chapter title yet, don't you agree  
> The best thing is, is that it's actually in Kurapika's best interest to say stuff like this. Even if he doesn't wholeheartedly believes it, having Illu & Killu together is better than having Illu & Chrollo together, isn't :p (not saying that Kura is just making stuff up, just that it does help a little in his goal xD)


	33. Sunday 27th - A single grain can tip the scale

_'What happened with Yellmi?'_

_'He… he was my first kill, he looked just like Illumi.'_

_'…' I could tell he was keeping information to himself, and was left wondering why this information rang a bell with him, 'Then how is he linked to you feeling connected to…'_

_'I just… I fucked up so much that I can't seem to forget his face.' Dad had to clean up all the mess afterwards, it was too embarrassing to even think about it._

_'Well, something happened that you've brought it up in relation to attraction to Illumi. I'll not ask what it was, but… I'm sorry to say this…' His expression told me he was feeling really bad about what he was about to say, and my face dropped. 'But… if that's the case, if it's in relation to something that affected you this much, it's gonna be very hard to get rid of it.' I snarled at him, 'I mean, beating the physical aspect out is one thing, but what about the emotions linked to it? If it really goes_ that _deep…'_

_'Aah! Don't fucking tell me it's gonna last fucking forever! I'm working on suppressing all of it, don't put a fucking dent in that!' He raised his hands in apology when I pointed a finger in his face._

_'I'm sorry, I really am. Maybe if you just talk about what happened with Yellmi…' Like hell I am,_

_'Oh hell no!' I crossed my arms in front of me in rejection of the idea,_

_'It's either that or you're probably going to be stuck to him longer than -'_

_'Fine! I'll just get it out of the way immediately then!' His eyes opened a little wider in realization,_

_'Wait, no, I'm not telling you to-!'_

_'You don't understand.' I violently pointed a finger against the side of my head, 'I can only half talk about anything I've ever done, do you know how long it's gonna take to be able to openly talk about what happened?!' Next to that I don't even want to think about it… 'I'm not gonna fucking wait until I can do that or it's beaten out of me!' I'm getting rid of this stupid thing as quickly as I fucking possibly can._

_'Really, I don't want to be the one to-!'_

_'Never mind! I'll just deal with it, change the subject!' He hung his head in defeat after that, and rubbed his face with both hands, taking a deep breath,_

_'Is there anything I can say or do to stop you from doing this?' I heard a muttered "I fucked up" before he looked back up at me. But I just glared at him until he actually changed the subject. I'm beating myself up over something that's only gonna last a couple of minutes. I'm gonna spare myself the agony over the next couple of weeks and just get this over with. It's not like it's the weirdest thing that's happened since coming here._

* * *

'Get on the bed.' Locking the door behind me, the only challenge for tonight lay in getting excited without being in a trigger. Chrollo's drug was still working, not even now would Killua be able to trigger me. But to finish his sexual experience, meant I had to get aroused. I was doubting this boy could make that happen for me.

Sitting up on his knees on the bed, he took his shirt off again, and watched as I buttoned mine open, leaving it on my body for now. I walked towards him and pushed him forcefully down on his back, further on the bed, while I positioned myself over him on hands and knees. He was determined to see it through, but he wasn't exactly disguising that he was really nervous. He has now been touched before, but he knows something like this is different.

'Don't come too quickly this time, I have to get hard as well.' He raised his head to try and catch my lip with his teeth when I said it – obviously offended – but I pulled back before he could, and set my teeth in his ear instead.

'I wouldn't have if you'd let me continue last Monday.' He breathed back. I released his ear for a second to whisper back,

'You know why I didn't let you.' Partly because of surveillance, partly because Hisoka is actually one of the only people who can handle me in a trigger – there would've been nothing left of Killua.

I spread my legs some more to lower my body on top of him a little, and grinded up against him. His body really was desperate, wasn't it, I was already feeling movement. I gave him a little space again, and grabbed one of the hands tentatively finding their way around my torso.

'I need that somewhere else.' I raised my head a little to be able to look straight at him while I guided his hand down my chest and over my groin. He hesitated a short second when he touched it.

_This would've been easier for Hisoka to do, considering his history before coming here._

He turned his eyes away a little, and when movement took a while to start, I started moving myself against his hand. I leant my forehead down on his, and placed my elbows next to his head. Closing my eyes, I realized that I had no idea how to get myself excited in a triggerless situation.

I stopped moving and felt my hair glide over my shoulder around us. He relocated his other hand as well and started opening my pants. Would this work naturally? I don't really know what images to summon to get myself there, I don't know my preferences in a normal situation.

I helped Killua in his actions, and pulled down the hem of my pants and underwear. He couldn't really look at it, but his hand did find its way quickly enough. While starting to carefully fondle me, all I could do was guide his free hand to places that had worked before with Hisoka. His breathing started slowly increasing, and I closed my eyes trying to find a place in my mind where I could make this work.

My eyes shot open again in surprise though, when Killua seemed to have found that for me. Maybe he did it out of spite, but I did feel something when his teeth sank into the skin just below my collarbone.

'You fucking masochist, I knew it.' Apparently Killua had felt the twitch in my groin as well. I always thought Hisoka was the only one, maybe in these situations I'm the same. I was certain of it when he bit close to it and I felt it again. I let out a small breath, and led his hand to one of my nipples to speed this up. He got the hint soon enough, and relocated both his hands there, pinching, and rolling them between his fingers. He slid a little down after a while to place his mouth over one of them and bit down on it, pulling it. Meanwhile, his hands started to roam over my torso some more, scratching the skin, and increasing pressure with that when my body ushered him to do so. Is this what it's like to get excited outside of a trigger? It's… it can be pleasurable..?

I moved down a little with him, and inclined my head to set my lips just below his ear. I flipped my hair to one side before lifting my hand to feel down Killua, and let my fingers slide over a part of him that was already starting to demand attention. I heard a small gasp next to my ear.

'You're doing better than last time.' I ignored the snap to my ear and let him pull me down by it a little while opening his pants and letting my hand slide in. 'You're not wearing any underwear, you really were certain of tonight.' He inhaled sharply when my still cold hand moved carefully over his groin, and softly massaged the area with my fingers. Soft touches seemed to be the clue to postponing his pleasure, but the small breaths against my skin told me he was about as excited as any virgin was about their first time. Well, in a way this was unknown territory for me as well…

'Why wouldn't I have been.' It came out strained, and I stopped touching him down there to keep it from ending too fast. My fingers glided away, and there was a release of some tension in his abs. Instead I grabbed his wrists, and pulled his claws out of my upper arms, before standing back up and kicking off my pants and taking off the remaining clothes. I wanted to do the same to Killua, but he already did that himself. The amount of scars on his body hadn't increased, but by the look in his eyes I could see he was surprised now that he could clearly see the new ones on my torso and rest of my body. Having uncontrollable triggers will do that with your body – even moreso with Hisoka near.

I ignored the look in his eyes, and pushed him down forcefully again, pinning his arms above his head. He was offering himself completely, I couldn't deny that that amount of control worked well on my own body. I gave him a short look before assaulting his lips. He inhaled deeply when I did this, and his lips parted immediately to grant me access, feeling his chest rise strongly. His tongue felt desperate to pull me in further, but had to stop him when he almost bit my tongue off in the excitement. I didn't retreat immediately, I let him calm down a little, and waited until he let go by himself. He opened his eyes again, and I saw the skin on his face heat up even more. I pulled out and licked my lips a little, checking the amount of blood – but it seemed that it was still safe. I looked down at the still vicious expression of this boy, and squeezed his hands tighter in my grip. I closed my head in a little, and made him unable to look away before speaking up,

'I don't have to warn you about disease, do I?' He genuinely growled at me when I pointed this out, and still turned his eyes away a little in submission. _So if Hisoka's a cat, then what does that make Killua?_ ButI really couldn't allow this behavior, I haven't tested since the last trigger with Hisoka, he shouldn't be this stupid. God knows what and who Hisoka does in his spare time. 'Good. Now please continue.' As soon as I released his hands, he grabbed my hair with both hands and pulled my head down next to his. Simultaneously, he wrapped his legs around me, and commanded me to lower my body. The height difference was interfering at this point. For a second I assaulted his neck with my tongue and lips while I figured out how to fix this - his pulse was increasing rapidly, and so was his breathing, he didn't let anything ruin the mood.

Ultimately I pulled away again, shuffling to the head of the bed, and half-pulling him with me. He sat up on his knees over me, and clawed his way down over my skin. On his own this time he let his hand find its way around my finally growing erection. I snaked my fingers around his hips to his back and pulled him a little bit closer. I grabbed hold of his ass and started massaging the area while he was finding out through my reactions what worked the best. He needed less practice than I thought – he _is_ a fast learner. Flipping my hair out of the way again, I closed my eyes and set my teeth in the flesh of his neck and felt the vibration in his throat as a reaction to that. Seems masochism is common in this place. I felt the skin heat up under my hands and tongue, and my own temperature rising as well. I was starting to enjoy the sensations quite a lot, and Killua so quickly finding a good way to excite and pump me was helping greatly with that. His nervousness had completely gone now that he noticed he was doing something right. I alternatively sucked and licked the sensitive skin on his neck, and slowly his sounds were starting to fill my ears.

That's when I had to decide to quickly change the game before I'd get caught up in the sensations as well. I licked my own fingers, and then slowly, I let my hand slide down in between his cheeks, pressing against his entrance – the rhythm of his pumping changed immediately. But contrary to Hisoka, Killua would need the preparation. I felt a more strained gasp against my skin when I pressed the finger in slowly, and his movements stopped, his whole body tensing up some more. He grabbed hold of my hips with both hands, and pulled a little closer. The deeper I pressed, the closer he pressed himself against me, and the deeper his nails dug into my skin. I placed my lips next to his ear and whispered,

'This is what you asked for, right? I'll make sure you won't rip.' That wouldn't be beneficial for either of us.

'Gee, thanks.' He lowered one of his hands for a second again and let his fingers glide along and around my length. Ending up at the tip, he paid some more attention to making sure to touch and apply pressure to the right spot. I stopped moving my finger in when the sensation combined with his claws in my skin, and I felt like drawing blood from his skin either way. I breathed out more heavily and closed my eyes before I started to feel around more inside of him. He was still uncomfortable with it, but other parts of him were telling me he enjoyed it nonetheless. Especially when I found the right spot and I felt his unrestrained groan vibrate against my skin. I gave him a second to recuperate from that before stroking the same spot again. He fell against me completely with his upper body, and his entrance twitched around me. At that moment I decided to merely continue preparing him, and inserted a second finger. I felt his body protest against it a little, but it apparently wasn't stopping his enjoyment - the erection pressed against mine was telling me that much. He rubbed it up against me for as far as his body was letting him while I started scissoring him. His breaths became hotter, but he was doing little for me anymore, and I pointed this out to him when I stopped and let him catch his breath a little.

'It's surprising that you're so willing, but I need attention as well.' He let his hands glide and scratch up around me before finding his way around my length again. I let out a short breath, and closed my eyes a second, 'Thank you.' His other hand hesitated on my hip when I started adding a third finger. His body started protesting less and less, and giving itself over to pleasure.

I hesitated for a second though, when he stopped again after a while, and he created some distance in between us. He looked down hesitantly for a second, but soon just shuffled away a little, closed his eyes and let his lips find their way around my dick. I removed my hand from him in favor of savoring the wet, warm feeling around me, following his tongue swirling around my tip and taking me in further than I thought he'd be able to. I let myself get carried away for a second and would've been fine with him continuing, but I had to curl my hand up in his hair and pull him away. He looked up, asking me with his eyes if he'd done something wrong and caught me off-guard with that. He was being completely submissive to me. Even though exciting for me, it wasn't at all what I'd expected from him.

I collected myself soon enough though, and pointed at the small table where some condoms lay on top. He crawled over to it to get one, taking the lube with him at the same time, and left me to wonder what was going through him that he'd be this careless. _I'll figure that out in a couple of minutes._

I wanted to take the condom from him, but he pulled it out of reach, and opened it, placing it in between his lips, and blushing heavily when he lowered his mouth over me again. Where he learned that was a complete mystery, but my body was hardly protesting these surprises. He used his hand meticulously to get me back where I needed to be in no time. But once I got there, preparation had to stop.

I pulled him back up and closer to me, ushering him to place himself properly up on his knees. I took the lube and first made sure Killua was ready, before covering myself with it. I heard his protest again when I reached inside of him, but that wouldn't last much longer. I lifted my legs some more, and felt his hands getting restless and not being able to find the right spot when the moment came. I placed them for him around my torso before placing my hand around his erection, and my lips next to his ear,

'Lower yourself.' I made sure he was in the right spot, but was not entirely prepared when he actually started doing what I asked. High-pitched, rasped breaths entered my ears, and the space around me was so very tight. I closed my eyes and let my head fall when after a second Killua set his teeth in the flesh of my chest to be able to cope with it. I had to breathe a couple of times after he'd sat down completely before I remembered to move my hand around him to make him able to continue. He bit down harder in my skin when I did this, and I got the full wrath of his nails when I felt them penetrate the skin on my back with ease.

When I stopped for a second, he did finally found a moment to be able to speak though.

'Godfucking _damnit_!'

'Stop biting my skin before you swallow some of my blood.' He let go afterwards, 'Want to do another position if-'

'No.'

'I could hit your spot better if-'

'It's hit well enough, thank you very much.' So it was an exclamation of pleasure just now? I let go of his dick if that was the case, and placed both my hands on his small hips. _Well this is a whole lot tighter than Hisoka is._

'Then continue.' I arched my neck to lick him along his jawline to his ear before he complied, and shakingly lifted and lowered himself. I had to stop myself from biting through his ear. His breathing was hard and ragged, but rubbing up against my abdomen was proof that he was thoroughly enjoying it. Precum was starting to spread itself over me when he decided these motions felt pleasurable and he started to increase his speed. The claws in my skin only dug deeper, but the most prominent sensation was that sound of complete surrender unashamedly leaving his throat every time he impaled himself on me. I let one of my hands find its way up into the hair at the nape of his neck, and curled my fingers through it, bucking my own hips now and again when I disagreed with the speed.

I let out a groan myself when I felt him clench himself even tighter around me a couple of times when rising. _In a lot of ways he wasn't acting like a virgin at all,_

'Keep doing that.' I breathed, and lowered my hand from his hair to find my way back to help him over the edge. I could prolong this easily enough, but I also felt like I could finish this for myself quicker than imagined.

For that I wanted control.

So I retreated my hand before it reached its goal, and stopped Killua in his movements. I let him pant it out a couple of times before lifting him off me, and pushing him down on his back. I placed my elbows next to his head, and pushed in again immediately. I could feel his back arching strongly in response, and I relocated one of my hands to support this, keeping his back up. His hands found their way up into my hair and around the back of my neck, holding on for dear life, before I slowly started moving again. He did his best not to dig his nails in this time, but I could tell that by now all the sensations were too much on him.

Because of his arched back, he was still rubbed in between us, and I could feel the involuntary twitches around me. His grip became stronger, and I decided to let myself be carried away by this force, his voice, and the feeling so tightly surrounding me, pumping me while he started to come. I pushed into him mercilessly, and I felt the increase of my breath mix in with his. The force of his hands around my neck could've almost broken the bones when I felt the liquid squirt out of him in between us. That was enough to help me over the edge as well. While he was pleasurably riding it out for as much as his body could possibly let him, I let out a deep groan and let myself go as well. The clenching around me continued until I was almost completely milked out, and I had to take a couple of deep breaths before even noticing my hair was mostly sticking to his body.

I let my head lean down against the top of his, and closed my eyes a couple of seconds to collect myself. That had gone smoother than expected. I either like these sensations more than expected, or I am closer to Killua than I want to be. I need to have triggerless sex with Hisoka to see which it is. I don't know how long Chrollo's drug is still going to work though; and I need to recreate it without pheromones, else I'll still have an unclear answer.

'I take it you're satisfied now.'

'That speaks for itself.' He let out softly. He turned his head to the side, and let his hands fall back down to the bed. I took a couple of seconds before removing myself from him, and sitting back up on my knees.

'You did a couple of surprising things.' Knotting it closed, I blindly threw the condom in the trash – I'd even come more than expected. Killua still didn't move,

'I talked about it with Gon.'

'You did well for someone who only talked about it.' He sighed deeply before finally sitting up and loosely crossing his legs. He still flinched though, 'You will feel that for a while, but with someone like you, it shouldn't take long to be able to ignore it.' He was very quiet, and that set off warning signs in my head. 'What was the real reason you asked for this?' He just shook his head, and still didn't look up at me. He didn't look more attached, he looked more broken than anything else. Which was slightly different than all the pleasure he'd been exuding up until a minute ago.

Now was not the time to discuss this though, we'd talk about it tomorrow. I moved around to clean myself and get dressed again, but Killua still stayed in his spot. I believe this action has had a different effect than either of us expected.

**###**

I… I don't really know anything anymore. I'd been nervous, but in the end it actually does so little to me emotionally that it scares me. I blinked at the ruffled sheets beneath me, and still very vividly recalled every detail of what just happened here. A week ago the mere thought had nearly made me hurl, and now I felt nothing even close to that. Contrary even, I'd been more than willing, I'd almost thrown myself at him. _That wasn't really me, was it?_

Although I was so sure in convincing everyone that doing this would solve the physical attraction problem, I didn't actually believe it would. Maybe I just did all of this in some sort of desperate attempt to feel something that was real.

I hadn't even noticed before, but… ever since returning here Monday, everything right now, it's just _there_. I can _see_ Kurapika's kindness, I can _see_ my own attachment to Illumi and his to me, I _know_ Gon's detachment hurts, but it doesn't really reach me, does it. I've pushed it away too far too quickly. Is that something I've been trained to do as well? Push it away to survive?

It scares me.

I've been so frustrated and occupied with my desperate situation the past week that I hadn't even noticed this. I've just had my first time with a 26 year old shrink whose face resembles my first kill so much that they could've been twins – and it did nothing significant to me. I'm usually good at suppressing emotions, but there's a big difference between suppressing and feeling a lack of.

I lifted my hand a little, and snaked my fingers slightly before laying it back with the other hand in my lap. I _like_ him? Maybe my body's moving on its own, but he's nowhere near my emotions – wherever those are. I could do all of this again, it would still feel pleasurable, and it still wouldn't do anything to me. I draw the line with Illumi though; Hisoka and Chrollo are not coming anywhere near me. I still have survival instinct. I glared a little at myself even thinking about it.

'Don't take longer than five minutes, I need to take the key back.' I watched him stand up and walk out the door, fully dressed again. I'd seen that calculating look in his eyes – he'd noticed my state of mind.

I lay my hand over my chest to check if a heart was still there. Is this part of my profession? Not feeling anything? I thought it was prudent to _do_ feel something - if only to understand the target – that just suppressing it during missions and training was all I needed to do.

Kurapika's words had come a little too late, everything was already being locked away. It will all burst one day, he said? When is that one day going to happen?

I hung my head when I felt a stinging behind my eyes, but my throat didn't clench up. Silently, some tears found their way over my face, and I watched them fall down on the sheets beneath me.

_Can you feel pain about not feeling anything? Is that even possible?_

**_###_ **

I could feel Hisoka's intense attention the moment I opened the door. Killua decided to stay inside a bit longer, so I closed it behind me. The redhead was leaning against the wall opposite the room, and had a lack of grin on his face. Which was unusual considering the situation.

'Ah, you actually don't have any surveillance in that room?' I cocked my head, 'Or is it because I actually got excited outside of a trigger for Killua and not for you?'

'It's because Feitan has escaped from solitary, and we're now in lockdown.' At that point, a grin did start to slowly appear on his face, and it clicked in my head.

'Ah, you work fast.' I inclined my head, and Hisoka let out a short laugh in response.

'Oh the things I do for my dear Illumi-kun.' He's become more greedy to me lately, but at the very least he's not able to trigger me right now.

'You've only agreed to this because it's somehow amusing or useful to you.' He closed his eyes a second and shrugged it off. By now those words were a given.

'How did it go with the virgin?' Ah, of course, if we're going into lockdown, Hisoka missed the act.

'Killua was more receptive than expected. He looks like he wants to give up completely now, though.'

'Oh~, he's finally reached that point?' I nodded. It'd been inevitable after everything Chrollo has done, the only question had been when. It will be hard to get him out of this; the only thing working for him, is his trained state of mind that won't allow him to give up. 'He'll be fearsome that way.'

'Yes he will be.' Someone like him can be more fearsome when he actually has an identity, though.

There was a short silence in between us before he spoke up again,

'Either way, I'll go do my duties. You "make sure Feitan doesn't go after Killua."' He gave me a knowing grin before leisurely stalking off. Once again, if something had needed to be done, it needed to be done outside of Killua's perception.

Feitan had only "escaped" on Hisoka's orders. Using Feitan being close to Gon to give the boy a notice of the situation had been the easiest way to go undetected. Somewhere, the redhead knows exactly when and how to persuade to his patient. He only chooses to manipulate if it's amusing to him though.

Contrary to Chrollo, I intend to deliver Killua back to his parents at his strongest. That will not happen if Gon rejects him.

'These things need to be discussed before executing, Illumi.' I heard Zeno's voice from the other side, and looked down in his eyes.

'I take it you've reprimanded Hisoka already?'

'He will report to me at a later time. Feitan is just as unpredictable as Hisoka is, I can't have him escape, not even with Hisoka's guarantee that he'll return willingly. I'm not having any of these tricks anymore though, Illumi.' The look in his eyes told me he was being very serious about this, 'And no matter the reasons you have for doing this,' he pointed his finger at the closed door behind me, '…you will _not_ have sex with a patient, and most certainly not an underage, level 5 patient. You've already taken his parents off our back. I will not take you off the case for this, but it's not happening again.'

'I wasn't intending to.'

'I was the one to ask, either way.' The door opened, and Killua answered for himself. He got both our attention,

'Doesn't matter if you asked, if we listened to everything the patients requested, this place would've been demolished within the week. You'll be escorted back by Illumi and will stay with him until the signal for lockdown is lifted.' He lazily nodded, and leaned back against the door once he'd closed it. He was looking even more empty than when we'd just finished. 'And I want to have psychological reports on Dr. Lucilfer as well from now on.' He directed back at me, and I gave him a short nod. He gave me a stern look before walking off in the same direction Hisoka had gone.

'We're in lockdown?'

'Feitan escaped from solitary.'

'Like hell he just "escaped" from a place Hisoka put him in. But whatever, let's just go.' He passed me already before I started following him.

Gon will get the message, Feitan will return to solitary, and by now contact over a secured line will probably be the only thing able to carry Killua through his captivity with a sane mind.

Now that that's taken care of though, I can spend more time on regaining the lost time from four years ago, and find out what Chrollo's motivation is.

'Thank you, by the way.' He broke the silence during our short trip.

'You're thanking me for having sex with you?'

'Thank you for relaying a message to Gon.' It couldn't have been more than a guess to him with the information provided, but he sounded absolutely sure. He's exceptionally clear, for him that's a bad thing at this point.

I need to work faster, I'm missing too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there we go xD  
> I'm sweating a little, in the beginning I was like "I have to make Illumi excited for this, without a trigger..." So a lot of Illumi's musings were my musings xD  
> But holy goddamn shit, it was so much fun writing this while traveling by train, you have no idea. And normally ppl don't really talk to each other on the train here, but of course today someone showed interest.  
> Somewhere I was suddenly very happy my autocorrect wasn't underlining anything anymore, and no particular piece of text was drawing attention xD
> 
> But so much happenings, wow.  
> I feel kind of sad of ending it on a sad note for Kil, but I hope you enjoyed everything that came before it~  
> (and ohmygosh, safe sex)


	34. Sunday 27th part2 - Errant souls

Unfortunately, Feitan hadn't returned to his cell after visiting Gon. It was nearing morning by now; Hisoka was walking around looking displeased, and I had Killua sleeping on the couch of my office. He's about the only target Feitan deems worthy, so putting protection on just him was all we were forced to do at this point. Hisoka seems to be at a loss as to the why his patient was misbehaving. Although displeased with his situation, he'd never tried to legitimately escape. According to Hisoka this was because he just didn't feel like it, but I'm guessing it has more to do with the consequences the redhead has when he does try something.

All the more the question of why he was misbehaving now.

'Mind if I join you?' After a short knock, Chrollo stepped inside without waiting for permission, stopping next to Killua and staring down at him. Up until now he'd left us alone,

'You should be helping to look.' I didn't look away from the papers. Looking through what was known of Chrollo on Zeno's orders - which was mostly my cooperation with him - I was wondering why he'd asked me to do something that wasn't my job by a long shot.

'Hisoka has taken the task on himself. How did sex with Killua go?'

'The act itself was very enjoyable to him, but emotionally he's a blank slate now. The only things left are most probably his connection to his family, Gon and me. I believe that was your goal in the first place?' I looked up and saw him crouching down next to the boy. At that point I glanced up, and he got my full attention.

'He won't let go of his connection with you, it's all he has in this place. He'll become just like you now.'

'He'll be stronger if he has an identity.'

'Stronger is not something we need to concern ourselves with; he'll be easier to handle like this, that's all we need.' He lifted his hand and stroke his fingers through Killua's hair a little, laying his hand softly on top of his head. This didn't wake him, but he did stir a little. He's in a transformative sleep; he won't be awake before session in an hour. We'll have to postpone it. 'You really did tire him out.'

'His fatigue is mental, we only did it once.' He let his hand glide through the mess of white hair a little; his eyes were on the boy, but his attention was on me.

'Were you in trigger again, or did you get excited on your own?' Ultimately, he let his hand rest near his neck, and stroke with his thumb behind his ear. These were all very caring and comforting gestures, and it put me on alert.

'Your drug was still working. I haven't recognized any side effects yet, but my research should tell me about them early next week. The pheromones did bother me.' Chrollo huffed a little in amusement. It actually explained Hisoka being more unbearable than normal, but he hadn't been the only one. I've had too much attention this week.

'Was it the first time you had sex outside of a trigger, by the way?' I glared at him when he asked, and I leaned my head on my hand. 'I'm sorry, but I had to ask.'

'For whatever reason do you _have_ to ask something like that?' Killua seemed to be subconsciously enjoying the lithe touches of Chrollo's hand, and his expression softened. This is about the first time I've seen Killua this relaxed. He will not be the same person when waking up later today.

'Because if you were able to get excited for Killua once, there is the possibility of attraction, and that will influence his sessions.'

'We've already established that for some strange reason I have made a connection. Getting excited for him once is not unusual, and Zeno has forbidden future acts. So I still don't see the problem.' Chrollo was starting to get on my nerves with his questions. 'Are you here just because you enjoy my company?'

'Yes.'

'Then you can enjoy my company in-' I stopped talking when he finally turned his eyes towards me – he looked… eager. No matter what he was looking, he was expressing something. That put me on even higher alert.

'This atmosphere actually feels very nice. I'd almost stop breaking you two apart.' He sat down on his knees, and leant over him a little. At that point I did speak up more threatingly,

'I suggest you step away from Killua before I interpret this unusual behavior as an attack.' Even though it wouldn't faze him all too much, I released fear towards him, and he stopped an inch away from kissing him just above his ear.

'I can understand your protectiveness, considering all of my manipulation. But I have never physically harmed him, have I? You've done more damage than I have.'

'Your manipulation is exactly why you need to step away.' There was still the question of where Killua's micro surveillance had come from.

'I really can't have you being so illogically protective over him.'

'There's little to be done about that when I don't know about the time loss four years ago.' It's the only time in my life that I'm aware of that I had a connection – causing the condition for time loss – but I clearly got rid of it. I have to put more pressure on finding out how I cut the ties back then, and repeat it with Killua.

'Want me to enlighten you then?' No amount of non-verbal threat stopped him from walking towards me and closing himself in over the desk, his face stopped inches from mine. 'Because there's a good reason you feel a connection with Killua.' Everything seems to be leading back to what happened four years ago.

'Step away.'

'What if I say that the reason you feel a connection with him now, is because you already made that connection four years ago.' He's using his body to intimidate, that's not something he's done in the first four weeks, he can smell his victory. _I have too large a blind spot from my time loss._

'Why would you want me to find out more about the connection, you want to destroy it.' _And so do I, but you're not taking his place._

'Second part of my message may be that whatever's in Killua's box, will prove your connection anyway. It will also prove that I was more important to you back then, even though your attachment was to Killua.' I squinted when he started reaching out his hand, and my first instinct was to snap it off. When he started to retreat because he knew the threat wasn't empty, I swallowed that reaction and stood up to grab his arm; turning him over and pushing him with his back down on the desk. I leant my hands just below his shoulders and leaned over him.

'What're you trying to achieve right now, because you know I don't trust anything you say.'

'Very simple. You wanting to find out about your lost time is very easily exploitable. Perhaps Killua could help, but he doesn't seem to remember much either. And he may not be so willing anymore in helping you after opening the box and remembering.' He looked up at me with a smile plastered on his face. I need to make him start thinking I'm giving into him to find out more about him, because merely opposing everything is not getting me anywhere.

'What is even your goal once you have me, why would I want to choose to have contact with you? What is in it for me?'

'Remember what we did four years ago and I think you'll understand.'

'Why do I have to remember by myself, why don't you just tell me.'

'Unfortunately it's not that easy.' I had to agree on that. If I don't remember for myself, I will not believe anything. When I felt him lift his head to kiss my neck, I let him this time. In favor of gaining some trust to reach my endgoal, my body's no different than Killua's; it will accept anything to get there. On top of that, Chrollo's is not a sexual desire, it's his way of feeling dominance over someone who doesn't like to be touched.

'You will physically stay away from Killua, is that clear?' His lips let go of my skin to answer positively,

'I'm looking forward to future cooperation.' Even though it was obvious that what I was doing was to give him a false sense of security, he hadn't been able to resist. I let go of his shoulders, and he walked out the door without looking around again, leaving the door slightly open. I walked around the desk and knelt down beside Killua, starting to check if Chrollo had put in another micro surveillance.

I already knew Killua four years ago? It must've been brief and close to the time loss then. That would mean a forced attachment. It's not impossible, four years ago Killua was already doing kills, and I was still a Breaker. The chance we encountered before exists.

Forced attachment wouldn't happen so easily. That meant a situation in which we were both in danger for longer than a couple of days. What kind of situation wouldn't I be able to get out of within 24 hours? Not just me, but apparently the combined force of me and Killua. Considering the attachment, that'd meant a confined space, else I wouldn't have bothered staying in contact. Adding up all of that, Killua had mentioned the space his father had taken him had been hostage abandonment, there's the possibility his dad took him there to remember.

And apparently Chrollo's fascination with me stemmed from previous cooperation. There's a good possibility I assisted in the Kurta massacre then. Kurapika is merely uncomfortable around me though, he doesn't seem to hate me. If I'd just been doing my job as a Breaker that's not strange.

This all if I trust Chrollo's words, of course. Because his words also indicate that I knew him before the time loss, and I have no prior memory of him either. He should have been in the room as well then. It's all guesswork; I can't base it on the words of a ghost.

How he's been able to stay a ghost after making a mass grave of the entire Kurta clan is still very impressive, but I need real proof, and I'll need the information Hisoka has for that. At the very least I could visit that house as well if I find the time.

I stopped moving my hand around when I felt a familiar bump a bit lower behind his ear. I have to wake him to remove it, else his reflexes could cause severe injury. I shook him by the shoulder, but when that didn't work immediately, I decided to just pin him down so he wouldn't hurt himself. I lay him down on his back, made sure his head wouldn't move, and placed a knee over his upper body and shoulder. _These sleeps are too deep to be safe._ I located the little bump again before instantly snatching it out from under his skin. He did wake up from that.

'Fucking-!' I stepped away from him again when the threat passed, and he shot up, turning around to me walking back to the desk, and feeling his fingers over the small wound.

'Chrollo placed surveillance on you again.' I lay the chip down on the table, 'He's keeping eye on your movement, I will not let him touch you anymore.' Sitting down and looking back at the boy, I didn't get the expected horrified response that Chrollo had touched him, or the question of where. He just looked beside him at the chip and picked it up.

'Well, if he's not getting close anymore, there's no need to investigate this, is there.' He held it up a second in demonstration before carelessly throwing it back on the table, and lay back down, pulling the blanket back over him. I had to stand up and cover the small wound myself, he was starting to bleed over the couch.

Not even when I did that, did he respond. Not even involuntarily.

It's not possible for him to fade any more than this, I don't understand how the contents of that box could possibly influence him.

I can't say that I wasn't interested in it myself anymore, but that was exactly the weakness Chrollo had pointed out, hadn't he.

… …

... ...

 _'Oh~ I don't think Killua-kun's going to like this, my dear Illumi.'_ It had only taken me seconds to decide to contact the redhead.

'Will you, or will you not ask Chrollo to take over the search for now and take the guard on Killua?'

_'Give me a minute, I'll take care of it for you. I much like the way all of this is going~'_

'When will you be here.'

 _'I am still on this floor, I'll be there in two minutes.'_ Hanging up afterwards, I looked down at the spiderbox in my hand, and back at the person whom I'd given the empty one – now with a few items inside. I need to find out about my past; by now that's a calculated risk in letting Chrollo pull me in. However, I need to find out the reason he's drawn to me, else I will never be able to counter him. I'll be taking this box along with me to the abandoned house Killua's been. Zeno hadn't been happy being woken up to give permission to leave while in a lockdown, but he hasn't forbidden me. I could be at that house within the hour.

'Something I need to know before you disappear?' Hisoka knocked on the slightly open door, and appeared through the opening with a ton of interest surrounding him.

'Killua won't be awake for a couple of hours, just keep an eye on him. Is there anything _I_ should know before leaving for the abandoned house?' I cocked my head at him, and he kicked the door closed behind him with his heel,

'You want me to tell you about your time loss? But I didn't know you until after, did I.'

'The look in your eyes says otherwise.' It's either that, or he simply found out afterwards.

'I could just tell you, but I don't think you want to hear it at this point.' He was loving this game too much.

'Wanting to hear has nothing to do with it, unless whatever happened had been so drastic that my mind chooses not to hear it. You're suggesting my mind is weak like that?' I took a few steps towards him, composed but insulted,

'Hm~ I'm suggesting that your mind has done what it needed to do, and you're the most fun to play with because of that.' He licked his lips, and I heard a pleasurable moan in the back of his throat. He was restraining himself again. It reminded me that I have to have sex with him later today to see if my excitement was Killua-centric or not. I reached out to touch his face to check if Chrollo's drug was still in effect with him as well, but there was still no change in heart rate. Machi had really good connections.

'When I return, we're having sex.' His eyes widened for a second before settling even more narrow than before, and he inclined his head a little against my hand.

'Mm~ you sure know how to talk dirty to me, don't you. I hope I'll be to your satisfaction as well.' He turned his head in order to bite my hand, but I retreated before he could.

'Keep your eye on Killua, I'm back in three hours.' Even if Chrollo's words are true, there's no guarantee I'll remember anything at that abandoned house if Killua didn't. This is all under the presumption that Chrollo isn't lying. I'll judge that when opening the box when I come back.

'Understood.' I stepped away to grab my coat, and walk out the door, 'Say hello to your mother for me.'

'Excuse me?'

* * *

'They're out?'

'Yes.'

'While we're in a lockdown?'

'Yes.'

'…Alright, you allowed both of them?' When I'd woken up about halfway the morning – which I never like to do - Illumi'd been gone, and Hisoka had walked me straight to Zeno. Hisoka hadn't seemed completely amused, and that could only mean a couple of things.

'I gave them a timeframe of 20 hours, your session will take place somewhere between now and then. In the meantime you're to report to Dr. Nobunaga for your one-on-one session. He should have a short amount of time free for this.' I quirked an eyebrow. For Zeno to excuse them was a strange happening, from what I'd heard neither of my shrinks in very good graces with him right now. To let both of them out in a time of lockdown and letting Hisoka practically alone to deal with everything…

'I'm not getting protection?'

'Feitan will not come out of hiding with Hisoka keeping an eye on everything, you're safe enough if you keep close to him.' I drew my eyebrows together when hearing all of this. Hisoka being unamused has nothing to do with having Feitan on the loose, that creep loves the hunt. The only other anomaly is Illumi and Chrollo being away. _Why both? Where are they?_ Even if it's for selfish reasons, Hisoka is protective over Illumi. That means there's a potentially breaking situation going on for him? That's why he's unamused?

'I heard from Machi she allowed you to examine the box you'd taken with you today, am I correct?' I nodded slowly and pocketed my hands, 'There's not enough free time for her to supervise you with that, it'll have to wait.'

'Would it help if I use myself as bait for Feitan.'

'You're not allowed.'

 _'_ Fine. I'll just go train then. I'll see Nobunaga somewhere this afternoon.' I shrugged it off in favor of just beating the uneasy feeling out of me. I already turned around after excusing myself, but was stopped halfway to the door.

'Killua,' I turned around midstep when Zeno called out again. He'd stood up and leaned back against the desk,

'What is it?' I raised my hands behind my neck and inclined my head a little. That I was personally dealing with Zeno was an odd enough situation on its own, by the way.

'I am aware of your new training behind Illumi's back.' My face dropped when I heard that. I knew it was impossible to keep it a secret, but I hoped I wouldn't be denied this. 'If you don't let either Machi or Illumi treat you after, I will force you to stop. I know why you're self-destructive, but is there anything in particular you want extra help with.' I couldn't help it, I laughed outrightly for a couple of seconds when he asked, it took me a while to recover from that, but Zeno just patiently let me.

'Hahaha! When have I ever actually been helped by Chrollo or Illumi either way? All they've done is surface _everything_ I have a problem with, and used that to break me. So yeah, some minor stuff may need extra counselling,' I dropped one hand, and started listing off everything, starting with my pinky. '…The only friendship and joy in my life has been ruined and even if it's not, I won't see him anymore for at least five years.' I turned my eyes up and to the side as if I was thinking it over.

'Chrollo wants to destroy me because for some odd reason I am coming in between him and Illumi, but you still let him be my shrink… Oh! I lost my virginity to Illumi, but I didn't feel anything in particular about it, that counts to, right?' His eyebrows were slowly drawing closer together.

'My dad's watching me while I'm here now as well, so there goes the little freedom I had… is there anything more… Ah! I have no will anymore to try to find another life except for that of an assassin which I like to do, but makes me dead inside when it's all I have. Yeah, I think that's about it.' I closed my hand again, and saw Zeno giving me a calculating look. _Are you calculating on how to make it easier for me, or how to make it easier to play the game you're playing with your top psychologists as puppets?_

I leaned back on my heels for a second before straightening my back some more and lifting my hand back behind my neck.

'The issue with Chrollo should be resolved within two months. The only thing I'm actually worried about is if you won't self-destruct before that time. Because surfacing your problems is actually their job.'

'What do you plan to do about it?' Another two months of that training of mine could result in death, I agree. But not doing it will result in someone else's death at this point.

'You're granted unsupervised outings with Kurapika once a week.' My eyes widened in surprised when I heard those words leave his mouth. He reckons the leash on me is tight enough that I won't escape?

'I thought Kurapika's past wasn't clean enough for that?' _What did he do anyway? 'Cos obviously revenge on Chrollo hasn't happened yet…_

'He's not above ours or your parents' skill level.' He didn't say anything after, and I chose not to question it even though it made no sense; he's giving me two hours of complete freedom per week, maybe that'll actually do me good.

I nodded in gratitude, and smiled when he gestured I could leave now. I wasn't left alone for a second when I stepped out of the office.

'Your biggest fear is actually fading into non-existence before you've even existed, isn't it.' Outside the door, Hisoka had apparently been listening, and pushed himself away from the wall when I passed him. 'That is definitely something that can easily happen in your profession.'

'You should know, you've been in the same line of work yourself.' Assassin, assistant to a Deliverer, information dealer, torturer, he's been a lot before coming here. That he's still alive testifies for his skills alone. _It also testifies for the horrors Chrollo's done if even Hisoka's past isn't a secret here._

'Ah~ but I do think I enjoyed it more than you are now. Want me to teach you how to have fun?'

'Just take my place if you like it so much.' I wanted to ditch him before he'd say something that'd get under my skin again.

'Oh, can't do that. I like it so much more to play with my victims before "killing" them. I can't possibly go back.'

'Is Illumi one of your victims then, 'cos you play with him all the time.' He laughed softly at my biting tone before answering,

'Hm~ no. Illumi is such the special treat, I could never kill him. Nor could I you.' He decided to disappear from behind me when I wanted to turn my head to question his words. I stopped in my tracks. I know Illumi has always been special to Hisoka in one way or the other, but his interest in me has been turning on and off constantly. I'm only interesting in my affiliation with Illumi, aren't I. I have no doubt I'd be dealt with in an instant if I'd come close to breaking Illumi. Just like Chrollo's been walking a fine line for a while now. 'Care to join me for training?' He was right in front of me again when I turned around to his voice. I subdued the surprise, and took a stronger stance before walking past him.

'That's useless. You're not allowed to break me, what good would a sparring do.'

'Oh~ but the new scars on you are not from breaking either, are they? There's so many ways in which I could hurt you to make you forget your emotional pain~.' A chill went up and down my spine when his hand slid along my neck, and I jumped away a little. Turning back around to face him, I raised my voice and gave him my answer,

'Fine. Let's fight.' His grin widened, and he raised his hand to subdue a small laugh. He's just distracting himself at this point as well. He was clearly concerned about Illumi before my talk with Zeno, but he can't leave the premises as well. _Fine then. All you shrinks seem to want to do is either fuck me or fuck each other, some brutal fighting will do me good._

* * *

I shouldn't have expected differently then that Hisoka would deny me an explanation on his words. "Say hello to your mother for me"? My mother has been missing for nine years. An obsessed Deliverer such as her has a short life expectancy on her own. As soon as she didn't have my protection anymore, I wrote her off as dead, and the world is better off that way.

I stepped out of the car and into the abandoned house as soon as I'd reached it. I'd heard of a certain room on the second floor from Killua, so I went straight up the stairs. This house has been abandoned for longer than four years. If it has been used in the meantime, it has been used as a hideout. So the hostage abandonement Killua mentioned is not implausible. I opened the doors on the second floor one by one, and all rooms seemed to be in the same debilitated state. I stepped inside each one, but there was not a lot to explore. If anyone had ever lived here, the traces had been thoroughly erased. That it has been empty for so many years is strange though. It seems like a good house to hide if you're running from something. It wasn't until I reached the second room on the left that I felt like I found something. First of all, there was a bed in there, second of all, the window used to be plated – _this_ room hasn't been erased.

I stepped inside after looking around more carefully for traps, but found none. I stopped in the middle of the room and looked all around me before drawing the same conclusion Killua had given me. There had been more than one person here for an extended period of time, the room had been bolted closed, but there'd still been some light and air in here, it was a clear hostage abandonement. There were, however, little clues as to the why.

The shapes left on the mattrass that were the size of an adult and a child were bothering me, but it were the only clues that could actually point to the fact that me and Killua'd been here. However, still no memories were triggered, so it was too inconclusive to determine. Plus it didn't coincide with that I apparently knew Chrollo during my time loss – he had to have been in this room with us, and there were only signs to two persons.

'… …'

I turned my head a little and immediately grabbed hold of a couple of needles from my pockets when I felt another presence close. I focused my hearing some more, but dropped my guard slightly when I recognized the tread. I inclined my body to be able to see the person walking in the door with a certainty of having been here before.

'Zeno allowed you to go after me?' There was no-one looking for Feitan now.

'Do you remember anything?' Chrollo stopped one step away from me and pocketed his hands. I didn't let go of all the needles just yet. It was easier to contain him with them.

'I can see Killua's description is correct, but this room doesn't trigger any memory with me.'

'You have the box with you.' He looked down slightly at the shape in my pocket, and I got it out.

'In a lockdown there won't be time for Killua to examine it either way, he won't know it's gone until I can trade it back.'

'If you want to after opening it of course.' He walked past me and opened the windows almost falling off their hinges.

'Is it safe to open.'

'You're more curious than I thought.' He turned back around to me, and gestured me to step closer. Once I was in range, he turned the box in my hand and pointed me where I'd need to open it. I just put the box on his hand, and pointed it sideways when opening the seal. He huffed amusedly when I did all of the precautions, and nothing happened when the lid opened. 'All those safety measures, and Killua could've just opened it whenever he wanted.' What I saw in the box drew my attention more than his words though, and I took it from him. I felt his attention growing, but that didn't occupy me so much.

I felt some memories of four years ago returning the moment I looked down in a pair of well-known, well-preserved eyes.

_So this is what Hisoka'd meant._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Hey! Guess who's going to tell you part of that story in the next chapter!  
> Only took me 34 chapters to get there 8D
> 
> Zeno's allowing a whole lot concerning this trio, isn't he. Almost like he has ulterior motives as well.  
> And who here thinks Hisoka vs Killua is actually a good idea for the poor boy? xD


	35. Sunday 27th part3 - Redeem me into childhood

I vaguely noticed Chrollo leisurely leaning back against the windowsill. I noticed him pulling me closer until he could press his face against my back. I noticed his heartbeat and breathing vibrating against me. I noticed the cold breeze passing us a second, which blew some strands of hair in my face. I noticed Chrollo gently pulling all of my hair back before laying his arms around my waist again.

I clearly noticed that the eyes in this box had been my mother's, and that, after four years, I was finding memory again. Unpleasant memory, but a lot of it was coming back. Images were filling my head, one after the other.

'It was so nice of Silva to give Killua that box. It saved me the trouble of finding it myself.' He sounded even calmer than before, 'I take it from your reaction that you're remembering?' He folded his hands across my stomach, and it took me a good couple of seconds to shake myself out of it. 'There's a plastified note in the lid if you're still unsure.' I tore myself loose from those deluded eyes, and took the note out before handing the box back to Chrollo. _I'd seen those eyes enough in my lifetime._

'She never did remember my name correctly. I should have known it was her the moment I found Yellmi's photo.' Yellmi… my mother had called me a lot of things, this was a new one. But it was a known deviation from my name. She'd hoped to survive when using it? I can't deny the possibility that my name probably would have worked for that purpose,

'Some memories are suppressed when they are deemed unnecessary or dangerous to your mental health. It's not strange you forgot about her face.' It wasn't strange, no, if that deranged mother of mine was the cause for this situation… It's far from strange, but I'm not happy that my mind has shown a weakness such as this.

So that's what Hisoka had meant all the time with implying that I wouldn't be able to hear it. He'd told me about this before, but he never got through to me.

'I wish you'd left her alive a little longer after removing the eyes. I would've liked to have been out of my time loss to consciously have seen her reaction.'

'Your distaste for her is still as great now as it was back then.'

'Her medical skills were sublime, but her state of mind – together with most Breakers - was laughable. She's the reason I've developed these triggers. I am far from grateful for that.' His arms squeezed a little tighter around me when I started reading the note in its whole.

"I know you're busy taking care of business at the moment, but if you choose to return here, here's a little treat. That deranged woman who thought it fit to leave you here to die has been thoroughly tortured and will shortly be taken care of. As for your request to capture and kill the Assassin that had been sent here for her, I am not obliging. Without him you wouldn't have gotten out, and I'd be short my most valuable partner. I'll join you again for the fun after burning Yellmi's body." _That's right, it'd been Killua that ripped the metal plates off the window, his arm broke clean in half when he finally succeeded._ It had been injured already, after all the futile tries. I can't remember what pulled him through in the end though. After three weeks of captivity he shouldn't have been able to do that.

I've really been here? I _have_ been locked up with Killua here. Then those shapes on the bed really were of me and him. The memories are vague, but it really did happen.

'You'd been searching to kill her, if not done already, but disappeared in the process. You were here for two weeks before I realized Yellmi had taken refuge with the Kurta's. You escaped a week later to come and find me again, I'd already started their torture to find you. You seemed to like to help me find her again through these means.'

'"What happened? Did you find Yellmi? Were you able to kill her?" "I'll help you regain your strength. After that I have a special treat for you. The Kurta's are something else, physically." "Don't worry, I have help in cleaning it all up." "Am I allowed to watch you work?"' I recited words I remembered hearing Chrollo say in the day after finding freedom again. I could feel him smile,

'"Hunt Yellmi down for me, you can watch me work all you want after that." "Make sure the Kurta's make it to me as unscathed and undrugged as possible." "They're a people that hide lunatics like my mother, I don't care what happens to them afterwards." I believe those were your responses, weren't they?' They were. Although I hardly recognized myself in them.

'They gave refuge to more than one deluded criminal. Their good-doing should have had limits. _' I'd been in a rage back then, I didn't stop until all of them had been taken care of._

Killua still remembers his hit on Yellmi had gone horribly wrong, but apparently the kind of wrong he remembered differed from reality. He will definitely not appreciate this note.

His confusion over the way me and my mother looked alike must've caused his failure. I remember her completely freaking out that not only her son had found her again, but a second later an Assassin had come for her life. She hadn't hesitated to lock us up in the room upstairs while there was still confusion. She probably ran away as quickly as possible after that. She'd prepared this room for her experiments, that's the only reason we survived, there'd been a source of running water, and some leftover food.

I couldn't for the life of me though, remember what exactly happened with Killua those three weeks. It was all a blur. The only certainty was that we'd been here. Remembering how I'd known Chrollo beforehand was also not happening.

'How did I already know you back then?'

'I don't know how, but you were the one who found me. I delivered some experiments to you before you ended up here.' I should remember this. 'Hisoka liked helping us quite a lot, by the way.' But there wasn't bad blood between Kurapika and Hisoka, just annoyance. The blonde must then not be aware of Hisoka's involvement back then.

If all three of us had participated in the massacre, then Chrollo must have done something more than we'd done, that his existence had been erased. Unfortunately, there's no memories of that either. He's probably done this off my radar.

Also unfortunately, it seems I never really cut the ties back then, and this information is useless concerning prying myself loose from Killua. I do remember that cooperation with Chrollo on this had been pleasant. He'd been merciless and efficient. I'd learned quite a lot from the Kurta's that he'd sent my way; that knowledge was returning as well. They had indeed been interesting subjects.

Seemed that Chrollo's motivation all this time had been to force my memory back so I'd cooperate with him again. He's a possessive person.

'This does not cut my ties with Killua in the least. I can understand that I wanted you to take care of him back then, but that's not a possibility anymore as long as we work at the institution.' He turned his head against my back, but I spoke up before he did, 'You're driving him to suicide to take care of him now?' I felt a short laugh exiting his throat before he answered.

'That was a back-up.'

'Ah, you don't need to do anything anymore, because this note is the key to detach him from me, and I'll give it to him myself.' He nodded slightly. _Just asking for new cooperation wasn't enough, was it, his obsession for me seems to be too great for that._ 'Our cooperation had been pleasant four years ago, and I wouldn't mind you as a contact when I go back to being a Breaker. But there are still limits on how close you will come.'

'Touching you has never been about wanting to do everything Hisoka wants to do to you.'

'This is true, but I'm talking about your need of owning me.'

'I wouldn't dream of that.' The only reason Silva could've had to give Killua this box, was to trigger memories as well. Hisoka's goal had obviously been to keep me from finding out too quickly so he could play with me as long as he could. He's been playing this game longer, he's been keeping me away from Chrollo for years to keep me from regaining memory, hasn't he.

Had it been Zeno's goal as well to trigger memories to return? But why would he even care if I remembered these times?

After almost a month and a half, I'm still no closer to finding that out. _Why are you letting me work with him when he's off-limits?_

'I'll trade the box back to Killua when we return.' I handed him the note and wanted to walk away because there was nothing left to do here, but he pulled me in closer first. He inhaled deeply and kissed my back before letting his arms fall loose. 'None of that will be allowed from now on.' He smiled up at me before closing the box again, and gave it back when passing me out of the room and walked with me out of the house.

'You should've given me this sooner.'

'You have to be willing to regain your memory for it to work, you know this. And the box wasn't there the last time I returned.' Silva had found it, and hid it there to double the chances of triggering memories with Killua then. But Killua is not aware he's missing memory, there is a chance this box will do nothing at all with him.

Either way, this is the elimination of a lot of uncertainty. I am grateful for the clarity. Most of Chrollo's actions can be traced back to either possessiveness or creating the greatest need for me to regain memory. It worked really well, I have to add.

Now all that remains for today is a session with Killua, and have sex with Hisoka. Although I now remember where my attachment to Killua originated from, I still need to know the extent of it, and how much work I'll have to put in to put an end to it from my side.

Ah, I'll have to notify Silva to stop hunting Chrollo as well. Chrollo has no reason anymore to harass Killua, there's no need to pursue him any longer.

* * *

'So, how does this work with you.' For good measure I'd taped all my joints before stepping into the court with the redhead. This will most probably be the hardest sparring I've done since I got here.

'You want rules? I thought you just wanted to try to kill me.'

'Tch.' I scowled at him while I made sure the tape around my hands was secure. Hisoka was going for a different approach, and pulled the shirt off his body. Barefooted, warmed-up and eager, he looked like he could rip the head off my body before I would even notice.

_Good._

'It's cute that you think that tape will save you today.' He started circling me a little, and lifted a finger to his lips, assessing my state of mind most probably. No, I don't think this tape's gonna help a lot either, but I have to use some kind of cushion. I pulled the tape a whole lot tighter in defiance, while looking him straight in the eyes. He grinned when he noticed this challenge.

'So the only rule is the one Zeno has imposed?' He closed his eyes and shrugged, his grin growing. After a couple of seconds I dropped my hand, and Hisoka stopped in his tracks, his bloodlust growing. The look in his eyes was growing beyond what he'd shown before, and I regressed my presence.

'Oh my dear Killua-kun, there's so much more I can do than just break you. I want to try it all.' My alertness increased when his eyes widened for a second, 'Normally, people who have nothing left to lose whither and fall. You're not withering nor falling. You're standing so strong in the grey. Somewhere you can't stop believing you'll be able to save Gon, don't you? Have you been taught not to give up on anything? Tell me, how long are you going to spend in the grey to increase your strength to take out your parents?' My heart started beating faster when he said all of this, and I had to forcefully will it down. I bared my fangs at him when it happened – because that never happened after regressing to a killing mode.

'As long as it takes.' He started walking a little again. I'm not doing any of what he's saying consciously, I'm not spending time in purgatory voluntarily, I just need to survive.

'You're so bent on emotional survival, and you don't even notice yourself, it's beautiful. I'd hate to kill you today.' I narrowed my eyes at him just before I decided now was as good a time as any to start the attack. However, when I got close enough and was ready to redirect at a moment's notice, he'd already disappeared from my vision. I wanted to take my distance, but I had to locate him again first. By the time I'd done that, I felt his knuckles connect to my stomach, and stay there until I'd been thrown through the air a couple of feet. I landed on one knee, but ignored the pain and refocused my attention.

Hisoka simply grinned back at me before taking a couple of steps in my direction. My body was sprung tight to react in any which way I'd need to, but the second attack was impossible to follow as well. I ducked down and away, but he still got a hit on my side. I felt my back being twisted in the impact, and survival instincts kicked into full gear. The second I flipped away, Hisoka's presence became the only existence in the world, and I could raise my arm to deflect a dislocating blow that followed. But it didn't stop there. I noticed, and used Feitan's technique to create some distance fast instead of feeling impact again.

Hisoka stopped his attack right then. I saw him putting his foot back down on the ground.

'Hmph.' He repeated the motion I'd just done to close the distance again, and I put my feet solid on the ground. His fist went for my jaw, but with a simple headtwist that was avoided, and I pushed the blow of his other hand away with a lot of force.

His leg did connect though, and my back was bent the other way – but not as far as before - and I was able to grab his leg and connect my elbow on the tendons of his knee. I could feel he wanted to retreat, but he was actually surprised his speed hadn't been enough, and didn't get away until I'd let go. I straightened my back again and spit some blood on the floor. Cracking my back a little, I could see the look in his eyes after taking some distance again. He shook his leg loose, and put his foot back on the ground, giving it some pressure.

'Well now, I believe I am impressed with your increase in physical survival as well. You will have to hit harder than that to break my body though.' That was about the hardest I've ever hit anything in those circumstances, but I guess I missed my mark a little,

'Fine.' I felt my lips curling up. _If you want to see how quickly I can learn, be my guest._ I cracked my neck some more and took a counter stance. I was starting to go beyond what I'm used to.

He took slow steps towards me until he was within attacking range again. I lifted my arm and deflected the impact the best I could with Illumi's technique – I'd stopped a break from happening, but Hisoka pushed through nonetheless, and wanted to toss me through the air again. This time I ducked out from under his leg though and made sure to hit the same spot on his knee again. The moment he avoided, I redirected downwards with all the power I had in me, and made Hisoka back off in warning. I dead-stopped my fist a fraction of a second before it hit the floor, but in that fraction we'd both heard the floor protesting.

'My, that could've done a lot of-' I didn't wait for his words to end, and started another attack myself. Now knowing the extent of increase in my strength, I made sure to stay close-by and simply block his attacks. I couldn't make him back off, but he also didn't land a single full blow, and he was studying my technique. That meant he was fighting me seriously,

So when I saw my opportunity, I took it. There's more power in my other arm, and I made sure to connect it to his forearm when raised for blocking. He had to let the arm shoot away in order to keep using it, and he took the distance. I snaked my fingers a little while he was assessing his arm, and assessed my own injuries. _Broken skin on my left hand, dislocated thumb on my right which I'll pull back right now. Muscles on my back are pulling, a certain contusion on my left ankle, and he broke one of my toes when he stepped on it to keep me in place. Luckily I was flexible enough to avoid any other injury then._ There were also tendons just waiting to snap, so I increased bloodflow to it so it wouldn't happen so quickly.

Meanwhile, I believe I'd done more damage to Hisoka's arm than I thought I'd done. He was still regaining control over the limb. The way he started to laugh softly and menacingly, told me he was indeed more hurt than expected.

'Hmm~ you really have no idea how much power you have. It'd be a shame if Illumi'd drop you now. I'd might petition to take the case from him then.' Perhaps he'd hoped to elicit a reaction with that, but my ears were deaf to it. It was stored in the very back of my mind to analyze later – just like I was taught. 'All that raw strength behind your speed. Yes, I think I like you.' He raised his chin to look even more down on me. I walked off the contusion on my ankle the best I could, and was followed by Hisoka's eyes.

'Oh how I wish I could extend this fight. But I'm afraid I'll have to end it before either of us goes too far.' I stopped as soon as he said that, and stood ready for an attack. By now I thought I'd been starting to see through his technique a litte, but even if that was the case, I wasn't able to block his next blow. He'd gone straight to the already injured ankle, and forced me off my feet. Before I could even react to that, he hit me on the tendons on the inside of my wrist which made me lose strength in my hand and unable to form a fist anymore. He could've easily finished the fight right then, but he didn't. Instead he made sure my other leg was swiped away as well, and I landed face down right in front of him. I wanted to crawl back to my feet, but as soon as I set pressure on my left hand, I fell straight down again. _The tendons had ripped?!_

'You thought that just because I'm a self-taught, brute force fighter, I wouldn't attack your weak points? That doesn't sound right. A Zoldyck never underestimates, does he?' I scrambled myself back to my feet when I noticed the tendons were just stretched, not yet torn. I've come out of trainings worse than this. That was mostly blood-related though.

'You thought that just because I've been attacking head on, I don't have other methods?' I lifted my head to face him, and exhaled deeply, waiting until he noticed the pins in his tendons. Those hadn't torn them, but they'd made him considerably weaker.

'Oh~ you must have borrowed these from dear Illumi-kun. Impressive.' He started plucking them out one by one, and dropped them to the ground. I need to finish this before he can do any mo- 'But this is as far as you go.' His fist had connected to my stomach before my attack could even hit, and he grabbed the painful wrist as he threw me through the air again. This time I wasn't able to catch myself as well as before, and rolled sideways over the floor a couple of times before being able to scramble to my knees again. Meanwhile, the redhead took slow and deliberate steps towards me. I felt my gag-reflex pushing blood out of my body, and it dripped from the corner of my mouth. I put all my weight on my still slightly working leg, and stood back up.

'I do want to promote you keep training like this, but I can't have you killing yourself. That would kill all the fun, wouldn't it.' The last time I was able to mount a defense against his attack, I definitely felt one of the tendons on my wrist snap. By the time I raised my other wrist, he grabbed it and pressed his fingers on it to nearly rip the tendons there as well. _I can't use my hands anymore!_

I looked up at him, somewhere expecting the fight to stop now that I was down to one working limb, but it didn't. With deadly accuracy, he made sure my shoulders would become immobilized as well. I got filled with sheer rage at that point. _You are_ not _doing this to me! Training is all I have left!_

'You goddamn psycho! I can't fucking fight back anymore, what the hell are y—AAAH!' I cried out for the first time when he immobilized my right knee as well, and all of my attempts to stand up were beaten into the ground. I still struggled against it. _I can't let this happen, I need to be able to fight…!_ 'You should fucking know how long it takes for this to heal! I can't fucking train wh-AAH!' My other knee was taken care of, and I had no means to catch myself – not even all my years of training could keep me standing at this point. Hisoka caught me though by means of grabbing me by the neck, and lifting me slightly above him. The look in his eyes wasn't of complete madness, it was more dangerous than that. It was a look that spelled he knew exactly what he was doing. It was like death was looking me in the face, and I started to panic.

'Hmph.' His grin widened, and I spit out some of the blood in my mouth on his face. I felt the rest of it dripping over his hand, but I had to focus to keep breathing. I drew my eyes wide when I recognized a certain movement in his muscles, and felt myself being thrown down on the ground almost in slow-motion. The only thing I could do was prevent my head wouldn't be smacked too hard, but it still dizzied me. He let go of my throat, but very quickly, and very efficiently, made sure I wouldn't be able to lift any of my limbs anymore by sabotaging the tendons. _This can't be fucking happening…_

'You fucking psychopath! I can't even _crawl_ to the goddamn infirmary now! How the hell can I become stronger like this?! I can't fucking survive without being able to move you bastard! It's my only fucking distraction!' I started almost going into hyperventilation over this frustration, and Hisoka set his knees on either side of me, looking down at me with the same grin he always wears. 'Get the fuck off of me and bring me to the goddamn infirmary!'

'No.' I almost bit my tongue off when I replied in rage,

'All you goddamn shrinks do is fucking break me! Where the hell did you get the right to put me in this situation?!'

'But _we_ didn't put you in this situation, now did we.' He set his hands next to my head, closing his face in on mine, and his words started reaching me again. I started to hold my breath, his voice lowered to an eerie calmness, 'You did this all to yourself. Had you cared less about Gon, you would've been able to kill Ging and stay friends. Had you cared more about Gon, you would've refused completely and taken the consequences from your parents. Tell me,' he lowered his lips next to my ear, but I couldn't do a goddamn thing about it when he started whispering. I was trying to convince myself he wouldn't rip my throat out, _that I wouldn't to do that to myself to stop my lungs from exploding,_

'…are you _sure_ you will survive this purgatory for the rest of your life? If one week is already too much, can you imagine a month? A year? Seventy years? That's 3640 times what you've experienced up until now. That's 3640 of those same weeks living alone, and then dying alone with nothing but corpses surrounding you. Even then Gon won't be there. Hm~ eternity alone. I'm sure Illumi wouldn't mind, but I think you would.' My body started shocking a little, and I bit through my lip to stop sound from leaving my throat, but I couldn't do it. 'You've just lost the ability to train yourself to death, what are you going to do now?' I ripped my jaw open,

And I screamed.

I screamed at the top of my lungs until I almost felt them rip through my chest.

And I felt tears streaming out at the force at which I was trying to hold them back.

I'm not…

I'm not doing this…!

Not in front of Hisoka, not in front of myself…

Not _ever!_

I never fucking cry like a baby, I pick myself up and just do what I've always done! _I fucking stand up and fight back!_

But no matter how hard I screamed and tried, my body wouldn't move,

'I think you understand quite clearly what I've done, don't you.' Despite my scream, Hisoka's lips were still next to my ear. But I barely heard what he was saying. 'It would've been a waste to see you destroy yourself physically. Now you can put your priorities in order before taking any further action.' I didn't know anything anymore at that point. 'I'll gladly take you on again after you've healed. I do like your potential.'

My heart was beating out of my chest, but I didn't feel any of those beats. Everything that had happened the past weeks hit me full force, and my body was bursting to let that energy out, but I couldn't… I really couldn't move an inch… this isn't happening…

Hisoka forced my jaw open when he noticed I was starting to get willing to bite my own tongue off, and I heard some pitiful cries exit my throat.

'Hm, I do believe you've learned your lesson by now.' He leaned back up, and threw me over his shoulder to get me treated. All I could do at this point was press my face against his back to make sure no cries could be seen or heard while walking through the hallways to the infirmary. I always thought that being paralyzed by emotions was something for the weak. But even if I'd regained use over my limbs again that very moment, I wouldn't have been able to do anything, would I? I wanted to crawl back into a corner and disappear. Just fall back in the shadows, because it hurts too much. But I couldn't. Even though there's nothing left for me, I… I just can't…

I don't want to be forced to feel all of this, I need to have my distraction, I…

_Gon…_

_I can't do this anymore…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ._.  
>  I have no excuse.  
> *pulls open coat to reveal a giant bullseye around her heart*  
> Feel free to take your best shot


	36. Thursday 31rd - I feel you, I'm fading away

_'You're excused from sessions until you can leave the infirmary again.'_

That didn't actually help. It meant that the only company I got was Machi, and she wasn't exactly talkative. Mind you that she did have some sympathy for me being mangled by Hisoka. So she made it as comfortable as possible for me, just to _not_ give Hisoka complete satisfaction. Although I appreciated the gestures, there was not a whole lot she could do to make me feel better at this point. I watched some patients come and go in the meantime, but I couldn't even look at them. _I'm better than you, I've been trained my whole life for this, you don't deserve to be in better shape than I am._

There'd only been one real torn tendon, the rest had just been temporarily overstressed. I've been operated for the tear, but rehabilitation on it will take at least two months before I can fully use it again. It's fortunate that when I'm actually treated, I heal well. Meanwhile I have to give the other tendons rest, and I'm not allowed to leave the bed for at least a week.

This isn't something that's done to us during training at home, we all know it's counter-productive and would actually make us worse at what we do. This is the first time I've been forced to stay down for so long.

…It's not doing me much good. On top of that, we're still officially in lockdown. Feitan is still missing. If he's not found fast, Kurapika will not be allowed to come here this Saturday, and I'll lose about the only contact I have to a relatively normal person.

Oh, and I noticed, by the way.

I noticed when Illumi and Chrollo had appeared here at the bed during evening on Sunday, they weren't enemies anymore. Whatever the reason for both of them disappearing earlier that day, apparently there'd been convincing evidence that Illumi suddenly trusted that demon now – for as far as Illumi trusts anyone, of course.

I barely registered half of what Illumi'd said once I saw that change, and turned my eyes away from them. There wasn't a whole lot that _he_ could've said or done to make me feel better either. Illumi's made peace with Chrollo now, I have lost the alliance to do anything to anyone - both mentally and physically. Somewhere I know why Hisoka did what he did, but right now I can't really appreciate it.

He doesn't seem too pleased with Illumi's new relations either, by the way. It should mean his game is over. Illumi will be taking that drug from Chrollo, and won't have any more triggers. That means no more visits to the redhead. If anything, I want to say Hisoka looks utterly bored, but there's always something brewing in his head to keep things interesting for him. So he'll probably ignite one thing or the other by the end of the week. After all, he didn't actually immobilize me for my own good. He still intends to use me, doesn't he. So I can't even get satisfaction from his game ending.

Well, none of this _should_ concern me anymore, should it. Now that Illumi's gone to Chrollo, he'll be detaching himself from me, and I should be out of their mess. So no more crazy shrinks chasing me, no more Gon, no more training for at least two weeks… yeah I'm totally fine. Just lying here with nothing to do but think about my situation, that should do fucking miracles for me. I'd almost start wishing Hisoka actually has a plan. _That lockdown better be lifted by Saturday, I need someone near that cares more about me than I'm doing_ – I need non-destructive distraction.

'You're still not talking.' Chrollo had been sitting next to me for a couple of minutes every day to check on my physical status. Usually together with Illumi, today he was on his own. Not even now can they leave me alone. 'We can't do anything to Hisoka having inflicted this if you don't say anything. He's too good in manipulating footage.' I didn't really care about what happened to Hisoka. Sure, I wanted to murder him, but I didn't really care about the when that would happen. Most probably the moment he'll die, he'll even do so with a smile on his face because someone was either stronger or smarter than him.

'Do you prefer talking with Illumi alone?' I closed my eyes a second. Next to my stupid body latching itself to Illumi in survival, it's now also feeling the loss of that contact. It's not a huge feeling, but everything's too much now. 'He does still have a connection with you, but he's looking for a way to detach himself. You're dangerous to him.' _Yeah, and you're a regular angel._ 'He'll be starting to recreate the drug later today. It'll be appreciated if you don't talk with him then.'It's not like there's a whole lot to say. Although maybe yelling would do me some good.

'After your case is finished, he'll be leaving this place, and return to his old life now that there's a way to subdue his triggers. I'll be following shortly after. Hisoka will be left in charge of keeping Gon hidden until you give an all-clear signal. For his sake, I hope your rehabilition goes well.' He stood up and wanted to take his leave, but a couple of feelings had been wrenching to get out for a couple days now – I couldn't stand the sound of his voice anymore, especially when I heard Gon's name exit his throat.

'You're disgusting.' He turned around and looked back down, pocketing his hand, 'Hisoka is the most self-serving asshole I've ever met, but he's not even close to being as repulsive as you.' It felt good to finally say it out loud. So when Chrollo wanted to speak up, I cut him off, 'It's always clear with him that whatever he does, he does for himself. You actually make it seem like you care now and again. If that's not disgusting, then I don't know what is.' I should've done this sooner,

'That's a nice way to start tal-'

'I'm not finished.' He closed his mouth again, and I turned my head to look at him directly, 'The only reason you're here, is because you followed Illumi here. I don't even know why they allowed you this job, because apparently you did something so unspeakable in the past that even in this place you have to become a ghost. No-one here knows you except for Machi. I feel really sorry for her.' I raised my voice a little, 'I have killed 93 people, but I have never hated any one of them; I have never even hated my parents as deeply as you. Because what use is hate anyway, right?' _Before getting involved with Gon, I'd even forgotten how to feel resentment._

'You care for her? You'd be upset if she were gone? You're still going to leave her as soon as you follow Illumi. She doesn't really matter, does she? If she actually does, I feel even more sorry for her. It means a monster like you is actually capable of feeling something, but you still don't care about how she feels. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about that. But most of all, it makes me sick thinking about how nothing that people ever say matters to you, unless you're possessive over it. You don't care I'm saying this, because I'm not a threat anymore, right?'

'I listen to everything, but no, not a lot is important to me.' There was no change in his expression, I hadn't really expected it and continued,

'The moment I step out of this door, the moment I am an official assassin, you are my first target. I don't even care if I just want to do this so I have a reason to survive the coming year. I don't care if no-one gives the order to. I don't care if there's people who want to stop me. The moment I lay eyes on you again outside of this institution, will be the moment your life is over.' _I will never forgive what you've done to fuck things up for Gon._

He didn't even respond. He left with the same expression he came in with today. Maybe one of the reasons I'd linked myself to Illumi, is because his detest for Chrollo had been as clear as mine. It doesn't matter that they don't hate each other anymore, by the way. Illumi is not someone for contact, he will not protect him, they will just work together. Outside of this institution, it's all fair game. I will work with Kurapika when the time comes. If his past isn't clean, and he's not frightened by the underworld, he will be a valuable asset.

_But man, I really needed to get all that off my chest, it'd felt good._

'Those were harsh words for someone not being able to lift a finger.' The curtain on the other side was opened, and I looked at Machi sitting there. I didn't really feel sorry for what I said. She must have realized all of this long ago. I turned my head back to look at the ceiling, 'He does care, you know. I know it's only possessiveness, but he's not a complete robot. I'm following him when I get the opportunity.'

'Everybody in the underworld knows you, you'll be ostracized for teaming up with him. He won't accept that.'

'He's not the only selfish person on this planet. I won't let you lay a finger on him.' She stood up and walked to another room after that, and I took a deep breath.

All of this. All of this because I didn't have the balls to refuse my parents' orders a couple of months ago, right? I should've just run off with him or something.

No matter what Gon's reply to this situation is, I will still make sure he gets through this as unscathed as possible. I'll fix that, I'll maim Hisoka, then kill Chrollo, and if I'm lucky he'll take me down with him. 'Cos I sure as hell don't intend to relive the last week 3640 times.

* * *

From the moment we returned here last Sunday, Killua hasn't talked, he hasn't really moved, his face hasn't shown any real emotion besides silent suffering. Apparently the only thing he's expressed was this afternoon when threatening Chrollo. That he'd been able to was impressing, but he's disappearing into himself with every day he doesn't express himself. Killua is outspoken, but voicing his actual emotions is another thing altogether for him, especially at this point. Even now, while resting, the wear could be seen in his expression.

It'd become later today than intended. Zeno's assignment for evaluation on Chrollo still stood, and even with the extra time of Killua's called-off sessions, I'd worked all through the day. I don't have time anymore to recreate the drug tonight, but doing a check if the necessary chemicals were here, I did have the time for. Time had already moved past midnight though.

Through these last couple of days, I'd been able to better place the images in my head. The cooperation with Chrollo had gone extremely well in the time after my release. I never actually hunted any of the Kurta's - that would explain why Kurapika's grudge is only against Chrollo – and I mainly experimented on the subjects he brought to me. It'd been a good, profitable time.

But the situation in its whole bothered me. How could we have had good cooperation like that while I was in a time loss? In my memory, I hadn't acted like I'd been in one, not like the last two times. That would suggest regular memory loss, wouldn't it.

On top of that, a lot of memories about Chrollo had returned, but Killua was still merely a vague background feeling, and a blurry image. I _know_ he was there, and I had a vague reminiscent feeling of his company, but I don't remember actually creating the connection that caused the trigger with me.

But annoyingly it _is_ in my long-term system. Now that he's like this, he will not actively pull himself away anymore, so how do I get rid of it from my side? Because bringing him back to a point where he would do that himself, would require getting too close to him. I do not intend to go beyond the necessary point to get him out of here sane enough.

I reached out my hand to lay on the top of his head when his eyebrows furrowed even more together, but stopped when I realized there was no need for this action, and retreated my hand again. This is comforting; that vague remembrance of our isolation has manifested. If I of all people am instigating touch, just him cutting it off wouldn't work either way, would it. Our continuous contact has indeed proven to have had a positive effect on this bond. And my curiosity towards lost memories is peaking now that I have half an image. I will have to show Killua the box; talking with him about the captivity is the only way to regain full memory, and through that I will find the best way to keep the needed distance. But it is a risk I'm taking. I might as well just get more attached if I find out about the complete picture. Are there other ways to get rid of this connection without any risk? This is interfering too much by now.

I stopped the train of thought when Killua started stirring a little. He flinched though, when his subconscious still wanted to make too rough of a movement for his body. That's unusual, usually the body knows what it can and cannot do while sleeping.

I pushed him down on an uninjured point to make him stop moving, but after a couple of seconds he still woke up looking dazed, and I pulled my hand away. His eyes slitted open very slowly, and it took him a while before he realized I was standing there. He gave me a short look before his eyes turned away. That short look had showed me a lot of pain. He's left to feel the full extent of his emotional pain now that he can't distract himself from it anymore. That he can still push it away enough to put up a façade in a second was impressive for someone like him.

'Watching me sleep? That's not creepy at all.' With all the mental, psychological and physiological knowledge I had inside of me, I still did not know how to fix this situation without risk.

'I was here for inventory check, you were hurting yourself in your sleep. You didn't let me stop it.'

'I'm hurting myself in my sleep now? I'll be sleeping more often then.' He closed his eyes again. The main motivator to cut ties is accepting they're there, understand why they're there, then creating distance, and either eliminate or replace everything that has to do with the connection. But that won't work here. I still have to have continuous contact with him, I would only be able to finish the first two steps while he's here. That would mean an intensification of the contact for over 4,5 months, most possibly too long. This does not sit well with me.

'I'll open the box for you tomorrow if you're still interested.' Taking a calculated risk it is then.

'Do whatever you like.' I cocked my head when I heard that reaction. Even though he's been trained to become an Assassin from a very young age, he's still had the ability to form a connection with Gon. Even I made a connection, although unwanted. But for Killua, his connection had changed his look on life, and he wanted it. Apparently the first thing I wanted after making a connection, was eliminate it, and ignore it ever existed. Standard procedure for me.

'Are you sure you don't want to say anything about what Hisoka has done? It's not like you to bypass an opportunity to hurt him.'

'Are you gonna let me sleep if I answer?'

'… …' He continued after a couple seconds of silence, letting out a small sigh,

'It's obvious Hisoka wants me in good health for something or the other. Most likely to push us together, since that's his favorite game right now. But I don't think you understand, do you.' He opened his eyes, and turned them back to me. 'I was starting to train myself to death to save something that doesn't exist anymore. There's no amount of hate I can feel for him that will exceed of what I feel for myself.' I blinked at him when I realized that made sense. 'I don't really care what happens to him _now_.' I spoke up before he closed his eyes again.

'There is a chance the lockdown won't end before you can be visited. Do you need the phone here? You still have the right to make calls.' He started laughing a little before noticing his body wouldn't let him without punishment.

'You guys are the insane ones, and _I'm_ the one who's a patient.' He muttered before speaking up a little louder. 'First you break me, and then you want to accommodate me the best you can? What do you think that does to me?! Do you think that'll make me hurt less? You're best buddies with Chrollo now, go accommodate _him_. Please stay the fuck away from me when there's no need for you to be here.' _Whatever made him threaten Chrollo, has at least made him more honest._ But I can't do what he asks of me, I need to find out how the connection was made.

When I reached out my hand again to lay on his forehead in some kind of strange, comforting gesture, he didn't react at all. He gave me a blank stare from the moment I started the motion. I stood like that for a good while before Killua spoke up. By now I could feel Machi's attention on us.

'I don't bear a grudge against you like I do Chrollo. You're just a little lost kid who never had contact, and when you did, it was when your mother finally gave you attention, right? I know how that goes. If she only gave you attention if someone's intellect was involved, then that's why you fucking trigger, don't you.' It's not just that, there _is_ an anomaly in my brain that's caused sensitivity for these triggers. With a deranged mother like mine, it's a good thing that that's all that's inconveniencing me.

'Is there a point to-'

'I don't bear a grudge _because_ you're just a lost kid. But I _will_ kill you just as easily once I become a professional if you keep touching me. I've put up with enough selfish bullshit already.' I removed my hand again when I noticed he meant his threat. Someone with Killua's potential will be dangerous when fully grown. I will not cause the inconvenience of a future enemy when not needed. Regaining his memory will be speech only then.

This fourteen year old boy had just called me a lost kid though, and his analysis had been completely correct. I kept silence for a little longer while maintaining eye contact. His threat was very much real, as was his grudge, but vengeance was meant for the future – right now he was entirely too fragile.

He's a shell of himself, and even that shell is cracked. Chrollo has done a lot of damage in the process of making me regain memory. Regaining this is only giving me more problems though. I need to-

'You're not telling something important, aren't you. It affects me, doesn't it?'

'It does.' I inclined my head, and saw that somewhere Killua wanted to care about it, but he couldn't. The look on his face spelled the words "I knew it wasn't over yet." It was the look of someone who wanted to give up, but was somehow forced not to. It's a very common look with level 3's and lower. Not something for a trained level 5 like him. For someone in his profession, he's incredibly fragile. It's this fragility that has pushed him to become as physically strong as he is today, though. If his shell can be un-cracked, he _is_ going to become a formidable opponent.

'Then just tell me now, I'm not playing this game anymore.' How much do I want him un-cracked? If I'm going to complete that, I will have to be sure not to become enemies with him. If I do it half-way, he won't be a complete threat, and I won't have to be careful about my affiliation with him.

'… ...' I switched weight to my other leg, and decided to just start telling the story to see how he'd react to it, 'The abandoned house you had to investigate for your father-'

'That has to do with me? You're telling me I was there? You're telling me I should have recognized that place?'

'… … Yes.' I blinked when he guessed that right immediately,

'You, of all people, are actually touching me, and you're bringing up the house, so you were the other person locked up in there? That's why you have a connection to me?'

'… Yes.' He's given it more thought than I anticipated, but it can't be more than wild guesses with the information he has.

'Thought as much. I ripped the plates out, didn't I? That's why I didn't remember getting the fracture in my arm Machi had to reset.'

'You're just accepting all of this?' He still had a complete lack of emotion in his expression saying all of this,

'You have proof, right?'

'Yes.'

'Then there's no use in denying it. We should have just let our professions prevail in the end and tried to kill each other after. But there's a good chance I have altered memory somewhere considering about anything I've had to do in my life, just to be able to cope with it. I don't really remember any of this, but it could make sense. I'm still not helping you sever the connection though, you do that on your fucking own.' I blinked again when I noticed his body was still doing its best to let pain out any way it could,

'You're shaking.'

'Godfucking…' There's a good chance his memories of the event are still in there then. We will cover this in the next session.

'You're more in need for contact than you think, you've talked more than I asked for.'

'What I'm in need for, is lack of contact so I can let it all—' I reached out again to lay a hand on his chest to make him stop shaking, but stopped when I noticed the look in Killua's eyes, as well as my strange action. He huffed a little, and tried to keep the laughing to a minimum to not agitate his wounds too much.

'You're a fucking mess.' He turned his head away, but didn't flinch once under the touch.

I, on the other hand, decided it was a good time to leave when someone unable to move and without the will to live, told me I was a mess.

* * *

'You don't have a complete understanding of your time in captivity with Killua, and immediately you do that in the spur of the moment? Hm~ do you know who could take care of that feeling?' Hisoka rolled over on his stomach on the bed, and propped his head up on his hands, following my movements.

'I'm not having sex with you again, Hisoka.' Last Sunday had been proof enough for me that my physical attraction wasn't Killua-centric. It'd been a slow start, but once he'd started biting me and shoved me up against a wall, things took off pretty quickly. Seemed that when with Hisoka, I was only slightly less aggressive than when in a trigger. Now that he'd achieved getting me excited outside of a trigger though, it was getting harder to pry him loose. I may have enjoyed it, I still have no need for it.

'It's amusing though. How the roles have reversed so very beautifully between you and Killua-kun.' I'd returned to the sleeping room again after visiting Killua, and Hisoka had of course questioned why I'd come back so quickly. Phinks approached me, and happily demanded some attention, but I sent him back to Hisoka. By now, that dog listens well to me.

'I merely seem more attached because half a picture of lost events are more frustrating than a complete lack of.' Long-term connections are troublesome, especially when I can't get rid of it for another 4,5 months. I pulled my shirt over my head and threw it on the next bed over. I do not make connections, I experiment and analyze.

'Or you could try your hand on the actual truth.' After taking my pants off as well and sitting down on the edge of the bed, he got up and knelt down in front of me. He laid his arms on my lap, and leant his head on them, looking up at me. He got an annoyed look for doing this, but spoke up before I had the chance to kick him away. 'That as long as you're on this case, you're only going to get more attached to him, no matter if you regain complete memory or not, and you will not be able to walk away from it. **'** The look on his face told me he somehow knew exactly what had happened in that room, and it annoyed me even more,

'Don't be ridiculous. Once I know what happened, I will be able to give it a place and keep enough distance. I only need to keep contact to make him leave here with a reasonable amount of sanity.' His grin grew,

'You have so~ much technical knowledge about it, but you've only had one connection before in your life. I believe you're lacking a little in the practical experience.' _Of course I have no practical experience, I don't need connections outside of myself._ I wanted to say that he's never had a connection himself, but he's not like that; Hisoka makes very deep connections for certain amounts of time, and takes pleasure in cutting them when they're not fun for him anymore. He is actually the best person to ask for advice on how to get rid of Killua. But he is also the last person who will actually help me with this.

'With you working against me, no amount of practical knowledge would have increased my chances of breaking contact with Killua.' He laughed a little before standing back up,

'You're quick in admitting you don't stand a chance. But my involvement only ignites what's already there.' He looked down at me, seemingly calculating his next courses of action.

'I am not turning against Chrollo to fuel your desire to see me with Killua.'

'I'm not asking you to. You can come as close to Chrollo as you want. As a matter of fact, by now it _would_ be more amusing if you would, considering he detests your connection to Killua-kun so very deeply.'

'Your amusement is of no concern to me.'

'You're absolutely right.' He raised a finger to his lips, and started slowly walking out the door for whatever reason, keeping his eyes on me, 'I look forward to seeing you become just as possessive as Dr. Lucilfer.'

* * *

That my wild guesses were actually correct disturbed me a little. I'd been locked up with Illumi? I ripped those plates out? I didn't even know I had the strength for that. It did explain why he's the one my body chose to latch on to – it was someone I'd previously known.

It's still kind of hard to believe, but Illumi's convinced of it. Even though those triggers are a weakness for him, he wouldn't let himself be talked into such an important piece of information. He's better than that.

I closed my eyes and thought about the consequences if this really was something Illumi believed to be true. He wants to cut all ties, while still "counseling" me. Am I gonna be left alone more, or am I gonna be harassed more? I don't know. I don't know what's going on in his mind, but he better keep it away from me. Having to be immobilized while my body is screaming to let something out is hard enough to cope with. I'm really close to ignoring everything and just bite-

'… …' I turned my head and opened my eyes when I heard the sound of something being laid down besides me. First thing I saw when I looked up was the redhead's back as he lazily lifted his hand as a goodbye. When I looked down again, I saw that he'd left a phone on the stand next to me. _That wasn't the desk phone, what was he doing?_

'You're incorrigible. You can't just let him use your cellphone Hisoka!' Machi walked by me and snatched the thing away, walking to the doorway to catch up to him. Apparently she was too late though, she dropped her arm again, and walked back to me with a frown. 'Fine. He can manipulate footage either way, have your fun with it.' A little annoyed, she threw it back on my chest. I gave her the same dirty look, and it took a couple of seconds before it got through to her. I nudged to the thing on my chest,

'I'm not exactly in a state to use that, Doctor.'

' _Fine!_ I'll give you that minute, I'll just put it on speaker. What number do I have to call?' She picked the device back up, and rolled her chair to the side of my bed. _That would be Kurapika then, I'm not voluntarily calling my parents._

She sat down and unlocked the phone. I was ready to give the number – anything to not think about how I hurt so much I want to kill myself – but she stopped me by raising her free hand a little,

'Ah, never mind, there's already a number open. Hisoka's always subtle. Here you go.' She lay the phone on my shoulder after dialing it, and I felt a little anxious. _Everything about this smelled fishy._ Not in the least because this was something Hisoka'd done and he's about the opposite of an altruist.'Don't disturb the other patients.' I snorted when I heard her make a joke – we were completely alone today as well. She actually made a joke though.

'I'll keep it down the-'

_'Killua! Finally you've reached me!' Gon?!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough* *cough*
> 
> Killua threatening Chrollo, Illumi slowly changing emotional positions with Killua, Gon pulling a "SURPRISE, BITCH!" after 10 or so chapters,  
> This chapter was so much fun to write~
> 
> Also renewing research on psychological disorders again - cos luckily I haven't had everything these guys have xD.  
> But do you know how much fun this research is for me?  
> I'm not romanticizing any of these disorders, but doing research, and finding out random facts about the human psyche gives me a weird feeling of satisfaction :3


	37. Thursday 31st part 2 - Storyteller

I vaguely noticed Machi turning back around a little too sharply and had to struggle for balance a second. _You're supposed to be dead Gon, why did they allow a phone, Feitan could've just given a verbal message, couldn't he?!_ Why is he allowing something like this all of a sudden? _Goddamn Hisoka literally just dropping this on me!_

That all went through me in under a second. Blood retreated from my face, and I was left sitting there, stupefied.

'G-Gon?'

_'Took you a while, I got the phone last Saturday, I think. That guy forbid me to call myself though. It's been a lo~ng week. How's Mito holding up? Do you still have contact with her? Oh! Did you have sex with that Illumi guy? Framed anyone yet? You were training with him as well, right? How's that going? It's so boring here Killua, you wouldn't believe. … Killua? Are you still there…? The phone hasn't died, has it? Oh man, that would be the best timing ever!'_

'Before the phone dies you get a bleeping sound, you idiot.' I don't know how I got that out of my throat. Two weeks… two weeks I'd been scared to death and sure about his reaction, just two weeks and I was ready to give up my fucking life… _Where have I deserved to hear that cheery voice again?_

 _'Ahw! You're doing alright if you're scolding me already.'_ No I'm not, you fucking moron, can't you hear I'm almost crying?! It's even too much for Machi to look at. _'Didn't really think someone else than you would actually do this though. What's-'_

'Gon!'

_'What!'_

'Gon, you idiot, I'm not fucking alright! Give me a fucking second.'

 _'Ah. Sorry 'bout that then.'_ I shut my eyes as hard as I could to keep too many tears from forming, I actually wanted to be able to have this conversation. _'Maybe you can call back later then..?' No, you stay on the fucking line,_

'It's alright, I can do this.'

 _'What's going on in the outside world? Did you have sex?'_ I laughed through the tears, he actually chose the lightest subject. _Having had sex with Illumi is actually the lightest subject, jesus Christ._

'Goddamnit Gon, laughing hurts, give me a break.'

_'But did you?'_

'God damn… Yes! Yes I did. Happy now? We had wild, rough sex, and my ass hurt.'

'Oy, if you're gonna keep talking like that, I'll take it off speaker and just tape the thing around your head.' Machi responded, but she was caught off-guard when she saw me smile in amusement. I was still somewhat biting my lip not to get too emotional about this though.

 _'Are you being sarcastic again?'_ He genuinely asked that,

'For the first time, no I'm actually not.' I wouldn't have believed it either if I hadn't been there myself. 'I fucking asked for it too.'

_'I'm gone for two weeks, and you're asking for sex from someone whose throat you wanted to slice? Damn it Killua, don't change so fast!'_

'Stuff happens without your adult supervision, Gon.' We both laughed about it, but we were dancing around the more painful subject. Even with that, Gon's dancing around it too, he actually just wants to stay friends with me, doesn't he? _How are you possible?_

My mood dropped though, at the thought that when I'd explain the future for him, that state of mind would most probably change. At that point, the hurt from the last two weeks flooded right back into my heart. _Reality fucking sucks. I'd create my own if that were possible._

 _'Ne, Killua?'_ I prepped myself a little when his tone turned more serious. _'How did it feel to have sex that way? Was it good?'_ From the hurling reaction coming from Machi, I noticed she was reaching the limit of listening to this. But it wasn't anything compared to the utter surprise going through me, and I yelled back,

'Are you fucking kidding me?! You put on a serious voice like that to ask me if I liked it?! If you want to know how it feels just try it yourself, you fucking girl!' Some things may have changed, but two prominent things have not: Gon being bluntly curious, and me not wanting to talk about that stuff.

 _'Aahw! But there's no guy I like right now, it could last forever to find out!' Why are you so goddamn curious in the first place…_ My face had probably turned a deep red by now.

'Then you can wait forever, I'm not talking about it! …I-' I got an angry look from Machi when she noticed I just wanted to say one thing to get him out of my hair, and I pouted, turning my eyes away from her, 'We're not doing it again, that's all you need to fucking know!'

 _'Was it bad then?'_ I sighed deeply and closed my eyes when he wouldn't let it slide,

'I-it was good, now shut the fuck up about it.' I heard a grumble from the woman,

_'Well maybe it wasn't with someone you wanted, at least it was good then.' You're killing me here. 'You can try to hit on a girl once you get out.' How about I hit you in the face for making this more and more awkward. 'Ah, now I'm more-'_

'Gon.'

 _'Yes?'_ I had to interrupt him at this point. I didn't want to talk about it, you can damn well be sure I just wanted to ignore everything and pretend it was okay, but it wasn't.

This conversation just now had made it painfully clear that I never want to let go of this friendship though. _You're the best thing that ever happened to me, I don't want to tell you we can't be friends anymore. I want to rewind the clock to before I had to kill your dad._

'I-' I took a couple of deep breaths, and Gon noticed the change in mood,

 _'Can you still let my family come here to? It's really boring here. There's others, but I'm gonna be here for about a year, right? I don't want them to be alone to for so long.'_ A sting went straight through my heart, and it stopped for a second. This was the exact conversation I never wanted to have. I could actually hear the thought of his family being there giving him relief.

'I…' _I can't do anything anymore for you Gon…_ Dad is watching me, Illumi's defected to Chrollo, Hisoka- '… …' I shook that thought out of my head as soon as it entered. Hisoka wants to push me closer to Illumi, so he'll help with contact now and again, he won't go as far as to take care of Gon's family.

 _'…Killua?'_ The only thing I can do, is exploit Illumi's need to find out about our connection, and get close enough to convince him to do this for me. _'You can still do that, right? 'Cos dad's kinda not on good foot with your family either way, he'll go after yours and he won't survive that.' I know!_ I know all of this!

'…It… it's unsure.'

 _'… …What?'_ The silence in his voice scared me.

'I'm not sure about anything anymore! That Chrollo guy's gotten hold of Illumi, dad is watching me, there's only two very slim chances to be able to pull that off.' My voice had faltered along the way. I'd felt so ashamed saying all of that. All those excuses after promising it to him…

 _'… … Take them.'_ My eyes shot wide open when I heard the malice underneath the calmness. I had to swallow before being able to respond to that,

'There's less than a percent of a chance of it being able to succeed, and that's both those chances combined, Gon! Of course I will try them, but I just want you to—'

 _'Ne, how's Mito doing?'_ His voice sent shivers up and down my spine. _'I'm not an idiot, Killua. You sound different. She yelled at you, didn't she? She blamed you, right? I have nothing to do here, I think about how she must've felt and reacted to it a lot.'_

'Gon! I will do everything I can, you know I…!' For the words that came after that, I'm sure my heart stopped longer than a second.

 _'I know you will.'_ It was a tone of complete detachment, and it sent a stream of tears straight down my face without warning. But I swallowed them back and answered calmly, _just like I'd been taught,_

'… Understood.' I… I didn't know what to feel anymore. Guilt for everything I've put him through, sadness that it really felt over, hate for the unreasonable request, or just pain for everything's that's happened to me.

It left me paralyzed.

'I'll get closer to Illumi again, or ask Hisoka what I'd need to do for him.' So I regressed to automatic responses.

 _'Thank you!'_ He sounded relieved. Does he have any idea what he's just done to me..? He probably doesn't. _This isn't goddamn fair! 'How's your training coming along, by the way?'_

'I'm learning a lot, I've been training almost non-stop these past two weeks.' We carried the conversation on normally for another minute or two, I even managed to put on my normal tone after a while. But it hurt every time I did, pretending everything was okay. I wasn't able to do that for long.

 _Just for Gon, getting closer to Illumi again, getting buddy buddy with Hisoka…_ but these are two activities I _hate_ doing. It feels like I've gotten the assignment to assassinate Ging all over again. _Why did you feel the same as my parents in that moment, Gon?_

When he finally hung up, I was left to deal with the consequences on my own. _I… I want to help you Gon, but I don't feel like I can without pushing beyond myself._

There won't be anything left of me if I do this…

'For an Assassin you're really emotional, you know that?' Machi stood up and took the phone again,

'Gee, thanks.'

'No really. I've probably been around more than you have. Are you sure you're in the right line of business?'

'I don't really have a choice right now.'

'Mah, you're right about that. And I guess you do seem to like what you do, if I have to believe Chrollo. You're gonna have a hard time if you stay hung up on this kid though.' She said before pocketing the phone. 'You don't want to do any of this, right? You're just doing it to help him? He didn't really sound grateful for any of it.'

'He's in this mess because of me, of course he's not grateful.'

'Are you an idiot?' I threw her a glare, she just sighed, 'You're in this mess because your parents are such idiots that they thought you'd be weaker with emotions. But you made death threats to both your shrinks, and they both backed away. You think they'd do that because you're weak?'

'… …'

'You really are an idiot from a family of idiots.' She sighed deeply. 'You need it spelled out, do you? It's. Not. Your. Fault. Let the kid be fucking grateful before you do even more, you'll just make yourself even more sick doing this. You'd just be pushing yourself the same as with your parents, just for someone else.' I blinked a couple of times at her, before she muttered, 'Even Chrollo is more grateful than this.' but when I didn't respond, she just turned around and walked out the infirmary. Probably to give Hisoka a scolding. My eyes were fixed on the door through which she'd disappeared.

It's not my fault?

But it won't really help Gon if I just do nothing, and simply say it wasn't my fault, or I don't feel like doing this. If I were in his position I'd fucking kill him if he wouldn't try everything.

I felt a sting through my heart again when I thought back on the tone of his voice. He'd threatened me, hadn't he. This whole situation had pushed him so far that he'd actually threatened me. It'd felt like he'd actually come after me if I wouldn't succeed in either of these two plans. _Your cheery attitude isn't a façade, is it? Tell me that the killing tone I just heard was just because you're stressed, and that you're not in the same world I am because of_ your _dad. I need to know you're not inside of this rotten world where emotions are a luxury._

I still can't believe it'd been Machi to calm me a little, thought she'd hate me after what I said to Chrollo. I closed my eyes again and let myself sink away. _If Gon was in my situation, would I really ask him to do all of this, or would I rough it out some more?_

'Hm~ that call was even more interesting than I'd hoped for.' I opened my eyes again when I heard Hisoka's voice at the side of my bed. _Well he'd done a good job avoiding Machi,_ 'Machi said some nice things, didn't she.' He took slow steps closer, and I squinted up at him. _I'm not in the mood for you, Hisoka._ 'My, I think I believe the story that you've been able to make threats to my colleagues with that look in your eyes. Question is though, which of the remaining options are you going to choose to help Gon get back together with his family?' I was starting to feel a seething rage against this entire situation, but in the end that wouldn't serve anything, so I tried to subdue it the best I could. I felt my stomach churn a little, pushing everything down so far and actually asking the question without doubt,

'What would I have to do for you in order to make you "kill" Gon's family?' The grin on his face grew exponentially wider when he heard the words. _There wasn't much choice, getting closer to Illumi would take more effort than I can muster._

'You're so willing all of a sudden for someone who'd given up on life. Makes a person believe you live more for Gon than for yourself.' When I merely squinted back at him, he bent down over me and lay his lips close to my ear. The only thing I could think when he did that was "I really shouldn't expect any differently by now from you." 'How about… I help you regain your memory on Illumi?'

'What's in that for you?'

'Hm~ but I am such an avid supporter of your relationship with Illumi-kun, you can guess my motives, don't you?'

'You're an avid supporter of yourself with Illumi.'

'Hmhm, that as well.'

'What's your real motivation.'

'Are you going to question my motives, or are you going to take my generous offer? There is no real reason for me to do this, and I'd be working outside of regulations. I do believe a little… trust, is appreciated for such a favor.'

'… …'

'Hisoka, take your goddamn phone and get out.' We were interrupted when Machi decided to just return here and wait for him. How she always managed to keep her voice calm but still sound annoyed was a mystery to me.

Hisoka stood back up from me though, and his eyes were gleaming with this opportunity.

'Get well soon. I'm looking forward to hearing your answer.' Passing Machi on the way out, he got the phone smashed against his chest.

'Don't listen to that demon. You think Chrollo is bad? You have no idea what kind of atrocities I had to fix he'd caused.' I let this conversation slide though, and Machi closed the curtains back around me before calling it a night herself.

Too much has happened just now. I can't tell right from left anymore, I really shouldn't make a decision right now.

_Gon… please forgive me for whatever I choose to do…_

* * *

_(I'm giving you a treat, Hisoka's POV)_

After leaving Killua with the choice, I figured it was about time to help Feitan out of the most secure facility in this institution now that he'd given the signal. He'd done his job well in delivering the phone to Gon. Still, he'd disappeared longer than I liked, I'm curious as to the why. He knows the consequences of disobedience, had Gon prevented him from giving the signal? That would be an interesting scenario.

For a while I thought the game _was_ over. However, finding out Illumi only has part of his memory back is working greatly in my favor. _Aah~_ I really don't want this game to ever end. But I also want to see his face when he finds out about the big secret behind the scenes. Such a conflicting feeling. I think I'm going to build this up to the most satisfying ending. I'll have to make sure no-one spoils the ending before I've worked up to it though.

I'm breaking a lot of rules doing this, and Illumi's so willing to break them with me, I'm feeling all tingly just thinking about that.

Walking down the corridor of solitary, I ignored the occupied cells left and right, and could already see Feitan's silhouette appear at the end of the hallway now that I'd briefly opened the door for him – he was quite a lot more injured than I'd sent him in here. He almost had to use the wall for support while making slow strides towards me. _My, Gon had gotten this aggressive? How very interesting._

'That was _not_ worth it, Hisoka!' I stopped right in front of him. I couldn't help but feel amused by the look in his eyes when he said this,

'Oh~ but I thought you enjoyed pain.' His eyebrows drew closer together,

'When inflicted on others. I need medical attention.' I really couldn't help myself when I let out a small chuckle to this whole situation. Sure we were in lockdown because Feitan had "escaped", but it seems the only real danger had been for the escapee. I'd sent him to a more dangerous place than I thought,

'I asked you to deliver the phone to Gon and return immediately, I don't quite remember asking you to get yourself killed.' A severely broken elbow, gash across his abdomen, several small cuts across his arms, his ankle seemed to be near breaking, and a swelling in his face was still dwindling. All of this barely covered by his torn up shirt 'You look even paler than normal.'

'This wasn't the deal. That boy was a wild animal, not an innocent victim.'

'My~ has your pride been hurt, Feitan?' His eyes narrowed even more at me. I raised a hand to my lips, 'Tell me what happened and I'll let you receive medical treatment.'

'Should've known you wouldn't care I'm still slowly bleeding to death.'

'Not really, no.' I started gleaming when he saw his lack of choice.

'Breaking out was easy, considering you prepared it. Even sneaking down to the place you mentioned was easy. You really should be better prepared for people escaping solitary.' No-one ever escapes here without permission, there's no need for precautions. 'There were a lot more people down there than you said there would be, by the way. It took a while to locate Gon. I isolated him after a short explanation, like you told me to. I shouldn't have listened.'

'Mm~ but you know the consequences if you don't.'

'By now that's the better option.' He started breathing a little harder, his heart was starting to fail to keep a steady rhythm. 'He was annoyingly cheery until he closed the door. His personality made a 180.'

'Did it sound like his call to Killua-kun?'

'That call was nothing.' My interest piqued when I heard that. From my listening in on the call, Gon had sounded like a disembodied voice of calm revenge. The kid has two incompatible personalities. To hear that he was worse in person made me lick my lips. 'He became a different person as soon as the door closed, and he attacked me when I told him he could only be called, not call himself. He went fucking berserk. You've made me a little _too_ rusty.' I could hear the spite all through his story.

'I believe I have.' This was highly amusing to hear though. There's even more brute strength in the boy than I'd previously assessed. _Ah~ if only he was a patient here~._ If pushed even further, Gon could easily develop DID. That would be a shame though, he'll be much stronger when controlling that monster inside of him…

'Even when he'd gotten the phone, he didn't let me go. He'd calmed down enough not to call, but he didn't let me leave either. He kept me locked up and unable to signal you.'

'He was going to use you to escape if there wouldn't be a call in a couple of days?'

'One day longer and he'd probably have killed me trying to get out.' _Very interesting indeed._ 'He wasn't even in a killing mood half of the time, that little bastard was fucking cheery almost the entire time. Even when I was almost bleeding to death, the only times he got serious was when he thought I'd escape.' Gon and Killua should work together after all this is over. The two of them combined will probably be more than enough to keep the Zoldycks at bay, given a little time. Illumi and "Chrollo" will have even less of a chance.

'Hearing his conversation with Killua, I almost feel sorry for him.' I let out a chuckle when I heard the sarcasm. Killua's sense of absolute loyalty is a consequence of not having a will of his own. He's never had to have one, he doesn't need that, he'll get assignments and he'll execute them. _Oh how fearsome you will be when you have a will of your own._ 'Now if you'll excuse me, I believe exsanguination is setting in.' At that point, Feitan had lost the ability to keep consciousness, and I caught him before he hit me. Considering the change in complexion, he has probably lost more than two litres of blood.

'You used to be able to stay conscious longer than that, Feitan. Shame on you.' I lifted him up over my shoulder, and carried him back up to the infirmary belonging to solitary. Pakunoda's been occupying this spot for a couple of weeks now, I think Feitan will appreciate the more gentle approach to recovery.

I think I _do_ like where all of this is going though. I _could've_ let Illumi suffer through finding the connection with Killua himself, but Killua wouldn't indulge him in that anymore without the right push. Yes, I've made the right decision in forcing Killua into this choice of me helping him. After all, forcing those two together is so much more interesting than just letting Illumi walk out of here none the wiser of the full extent of his condition.

Killing Gon's family would also give me the chance to do something in the outside world again. I do believe that's overdue, but maybe I have a slightly better plan than that... _Ah yes, I can also sabotage Chrollo's empty residence, force him to be either here or with Illumi._ If I do this right, they will be unaware of my involvement, and knowing Illumi, they will definitely share his house.

I will be intensifying both sides, hm~ that sounds like about the right amount of stress for everything to escalate just nicely.

I knocked on the inside of the open door once I reached the infirmary, and alerted Pakunoda of the situation. She immediately rushed over and took him from me, laying him down on one of the beds, calling someone else to start treatment right away.

'Take good care of him.' I waved them leisurely goodbye, and ignored the angry yell that followed. Pakunoda's known Feitan for a while, I hadn't expected a different reaction. 'Well now, time to start planning the demolition of that empty house. Aah~ I can hardly wait to hear Killua's reaction.' Ah yes, let's tell him I'm going to take my sweet time in killing Gon's family unless he does a second request as well. He's going to love the second condition I'm going to give him. I'm curious just how far his loyalty to Gon goes, once I ask him to do _that_ for me.

'Be a good little boy and refuse, Killua-kun. I do like to have you at your strongest once you get out of here.' I'm having so much fun these last couple of months, and I can't wait for the coming months to happen. _Aah~ I do believe I'm going to have to harass Illumi once more tonight._ The drug should've worn out by now, shouldn't it…

* * *

'You stay away from me.' I pushed my hand in Hisoka's face when he hung over me in an attempt to get my body excited before waking me.

'But I have time now.' I heard the muffled reply, but he still sat perfectly still on all fours over me.

'I don't care, Hisoka. Satisfy yourself with someone else.' He licked the hand against his face, and still didn't back off. 'You will be kicked off if you don't go away quietly.'

'Alright, I'm getting the- … hint.' He'd leaned back up on his knees, but stopped getting off me the moment he sensed a familiar sensation. I cursed the timing, and kicked him off before it would escalate. But of course he wouldn't let a chance like this slip by. I got up immediately to avoid further harassment, but was still behind on Hisoka, and he grabbed hold of the back of my neck with both hands while I was still sitting on the edge of the bed. 'Oh~ you have no idea how long it's felt for me with you not being able to trigger.'

'You've become quite counter-productive in helping me deal with them.' I willed the heartbeat down, but it wouldn't drop beyond a certain point. _Chrollo'd given me it last Wednesday, so it works longer than a week, that's acceptable._

I clenched my teeth when Hisoka pulled me up to my feet. I'd enjoyed the time without a trigger, I need to make sure not to get addicted to the feeling.

'Want to go someplace else? Or is here just fine.' He's having a good night, the gleam in his eyes is more apparent tonight,

'I don't really care about people watching, just take care of this trigger.'

'Don't mind if I do~'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap I'm so happy with this chapter, you have no idea.
> 
> A fucking glimpse into Hisoka's mind, surprise mothafuckahz xD Hisoka's game is my game, and I'm very much sharing his thoughts of today's chapter
> 
> "Aah~ I really don't want this game to ever end. But I also want to see his face when he finds out about the big secret behind the scenes."  
> That right there. That's me talking to you. That entire paragraph.
> 
> (well, I gave Killua a short moment of relief, that's at least something, isn't it xD)  
> 'till next time, darlings~


	38. Friday feb1st - I'm not done, it's not over

_Well, that had been more aggressive than expected._

For the first time again in a long while, my trigger had outlasted Hisoka's stamina, and I'd been left to deal with it with the only other person in the room at the time. There's a good chance a relapse like this is normal with the usage of Chrollo's drug, but there'd been the need for said person to subdue me before either hurting myself or the space too much.

Now that it was all over, Chrollo leaned up on his hands next to my torso, giving me the room to lean up on my elbows. I lifted a hand to get my hair out of my face, but was beaten to it by Chrollo - who carefully avoided touching my skin. This gave me a second to assess his expression, but by now it was unreadable again. There'd been something off during my trigger, what had it been?

'Hisoka's still over there, but I'll take him to the infirmary in a moment.' I looked to my left and saw the redhead lying awkwardly on top of one of the wrecked beds. He was still breathing, that was all I needed to know. The rest of the room had had less resistance to my force, there was barely anything left in one piece. I will need to pay for this.

'What time is it?'

'Ten in the morning.' _Ten hours?_ 'Don't worry about it, it is one of the side-effects Machi had mentioned. But you do have to chose right away if you want to continue using it. If you stop now, the triggers will go back to their normal intensity. If you continue using it, it will become increasingly more difficult to contain them in between usage.'

'That is not a _minor_ side-effect.' Ten hours was a new record. No wonder Hisoka lay defeated. That I still had the strength to lean up was the anomaly. I raised my legs and checked their movement. I lifted my arms one after the other to check for injury there as well, but apart from bruises and small cuts, everything seemed to be al- '… …!' I flinched when I leaned up some more, feeling a strain on my abdomen.

'Be careful with that.' Looking down at it, I saw a more severe bruising. 'Does it feel like internal bleeding to you?' I pressed down on it, but it didn't feel like anything'd been ruptured. Better to let it be checked though.

'It's most probably nothing. Hisoka needs more attention than I do.' Chrollo had come out of it most unscathed out of all of us. 'Thank you for stopping me.' I don't thank very often, but keeping me alive is something I appreciate.

'You're welcome.' There was a slight change in his expression when he heard the words and responded, and I suddenly remembered the looks I'd gotten while helping me with the trigger – especially near the end when I'd calmed down considerably. He'd gotten soft and delicate by then. He was even reluctant to stand up off me just before he did. _You're beyond possessive_. 'I'll get your clothes. Can you still walk without help?' I've dealt with enough lower levels and colleagues to recognize that look in his eyes.

'I've experienced far worse.' _Mainly protecting my idiot mother._ I stood up on my own and caught the shirt he threw at me, leaving it unbuttoned and waited until he threw me a pair of pants as well. Nothing more was needed.

He put a sheet around Hisoka, and was about towalk off with him, but I immediately addressed the issue.

'If you're in love with me, then you still know exactly how we met. You're going to tell me after treatment.' He didn't turn around, but he did stop. Feelings like that can very easily become a hindrance, 'And I'm not the only one with possible internal bleeding.' I took a couple of steps his way, and took Hisoka from him when I saw him flinch. 'I'll take care of this, we'll talk after.' He didn't look "caught" in any way, but he wasn't refuting my words either. I have seen this expression more often, I know what it looks like.

'Thank you.'

* * *

_Well there's a small amount of Karma still working, it seems._

I couldn't help but feel a little justice when Illumi brought in an unconscious Hisoka covered in cuts and bruises. And I'm pretty sure there's only supposed to be one joint along your arm. I was right though, he looked more pleased than ever. _You sick freak._

'You sick freaks, what was it this time?' I snorted when Machi repeated my thought.

'This was one of the side-effects of your drug. It took ten hours to get out of the trigger.'

' _This_ is the result?!' After helping Hisoka on the bed, she went for the office phone to request for help on this. While waiting for a response, she stopped Illumi from leaving with one, sharp movement of her arm. Pointing and looking straight at him, 'You're not going anywhere. That bruise needs to be looked at.' He still wanted to walk away though, 'If you take one more step, I will come looking for you and drag you back to this infirmary!' Even I stopped breathing for a second when I heard that tone. It takes a lot to get her angry, apparently today she had enough of them.

'There's still-'

 _'_ Conscious or not! What the hell even happened? Was this the result of a ten hour trigger? Can it even last that long? 'I don't care about the other one, you two need treatment first! I knew you guys were stupid, but this is a whole new low.' After that she went back to finish the call. "The other one"? For someone so in love with the guy, that sounded pretty harsh.

Illumi did have the sense to sit down on the bed on the other side of me. From the looks of it, he was probably completely fine. I can discern fatal from non-fatal injuries, that bruising is nothing to worry about. Machi is just pissed. Illumi felt over it himself a little, also looking at his limbs and checking his hand movement. Strangely enough – for the first time, I think – he had no attention for me. Even when I noticed he'd be affiliated with Chrollo from now, he'd had his attention on me. Something more than a trigger happened.

'You all stay right here, I need to get something.' _Well two out of three don't actually have a choice, so I think that's safe_. The moment she disappeared though, was also the moment that one of the three got up to walk away. It was really alien to see him distracted by something that didn't have anything to do with me. Is that the look he's been following me around with? If so then I've been really really blind, haven't I. _It's that focus that probably makes you a good Breaker though._

'I'd stay here if I were you, Machi won't forgive you if you leave.'

'It is none of your concern.' My whole _face_ twitched when he said that, and I snapped at him,

'You go sit the fuck down or so help me god I will make sure to notify my parents of my current physical state!' He stopped in his tracks when I said that. I don't even want him here, but that sentence pisses me of so goddamn much.

'Ah, that would be troublesome.' My parents aren't actually visiting every week anymore, so unless either I or one of my shrinks informs them, they stay in the dark about all of this. I don't really feel like telling them of this weak ass situation, but if I can use it as leverage for anything, I fucking will. 'Wouldn't matter if there'd be proof, would there, I would be the one blamed. Well played, but why do you want me here?' He turned around but didn't walk back to the bed immediately.

'He doesn't.' We both turned our heads towards Hisoka when we heard the strained sound. 'He's just a little disgruntled. Because this means you only have one option left to saving Gon's family, doesn't it.' He turned his head a little, and gleamed my way. _I hadn't reached that conclusion yet._

'You still want to do that?' Illumi directed back at me, but I broke eye contact and Hisoka answered.

'Oh yes he does. He's had his call with his dear friend yesterday. I think he's "motivated" to do this.'

'How were you planning on doing this.' Didn't matter that his conversation was with Hisoka, his attention was back on me,

'Hm~ we'd made an agreement last night that I'd help. I still could, just by making a couple of calls, but I do expect you to do the second thing I asked.'

'… …' I… I… _…no._ Not unless Gon lies dying on the floor in front of me and begs me, I will never ever, _ever_ do what he asked second. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath for a second to stop my face from turning red.

'Then all that remains is asking me, isn't it? Chrollo is out of the question.'

'Indeed.' I squinted back at Hisoka when I realized that this probably fit even better in his plan. He fucking sabotaged himself this much just to force me closer to Illumi. _You could've just said no, you fucking masochist._

'This is the most dangerous game you've played in a while, Hisoka. Although maybe it was not entirely intentional, I know how you hate to stay in one place.' Illumi realized to. He then finally walked back to his bed and sat down on the edge.

'Oh well, all for the happiness of our little patient.'

' _Happiness?_ Do I look like I'm capable of feeling that?' I finally spoke up, but stopped immediately after as well. That look in Hisoka's eyes was of someone who was happy I took the bait.

There's little more left than self-hate, and even that feels dulled. Anything beyond that would make me bite off my tongue either way. The survival instinct that's been drilled into me is pushing away everything. Gon's tone last night made sure that had become a necessity.

'No you don't.' I turned my head back to Illumi. _It was more convenient with both of you on the same side._ 'Obviously the call yesterday didn't go well. You're colder than usual. You were blamed, you were not recognized in your efforts, you were treated as a tool, either or all of these happened. Psychologically you can't do any more for Gon, but you still feel obligated to. This is not even desperation to conserve your friendship anymore, you've taken on a mission. Am I correct?' I turned my head to look up at the ceiling. _I hate it when you analyze correctly out of the blue, I feel so fucking watched,_

'There's no life in your eyes, that is not a look for someone of your age, not even for an Assassin. Assassins like that lose control very quickly and fall out of their profession.' _Not bloody unlikely._ 'All of this is unnecessary though. You're afraid Gon is the same as your parents, but he's not. I've seen enough of him to know. He's just fiercely protective, only this time it was not for you, that is all.' I _want_ to believe that.

'Question remains though, will you help Killua-kun in my stead? This would be without Zeno's consent.' Hisoka coughed a little before Illumi answered.

'Sure.' Both me and Hisoka turned our heads his way when that word just casually rolled off his tongue.

* * *

_'You're coming to me for help on making contact with the boy? For whatever reason would you want to do that?' Surprisingly, Hisoka had refrained from asking questions about me regaining some memory, and I had to come to him four days later. He did look very interested now that I came talking about it myself. I didn't have the time in between work and recreating the drug tonight, but I wasn't coming closer to a conclusion on my own._

_'If I want to break the connection, I will need to know where it originated. For that I will need more than logic at this point – he is too broken at this point to accept that anymore.'_

_'Hmhm~ and what if I'd give you the advice to start a relationship with the 14 year old boy? That that would be the best road to understanding, would you listen to or question it? Because now that you've come to me for advice, the moment has arrived that logic or reasoning won't suffice. You don't have any way to discern if I'll be saying it for kicks or if it's legitimate advice.'_

_'No I won't.'_

_'Is it trust then? Because double-checking with Chrollo is out of the question, considering his possessiveness.' He raised his hand palm up, offering that option._

_'Don't be ridiculous. It's only necessity.'_

_'I'm curious how far you would go.'_

_'As far as it's needed.' I hadn't expected differently than that would pique his interest. So without hesitation or further arguments, he started talking,_

_'You want him to be more cooperative next to intensifying contact, don't you? I suggest you either learn to comfort him yourself, or allow more visits for Kurapika.'_

_'Comforting?' I cocked my head. I haven't had to do something like that a lot with level 3's._

_'Oh Illumi, Killua-kun is far beyond logic having a beneficial effect on his psyche, you've said so yourself. If you actually want him to change over the next couple of months, he will need emotional support. He's a very delicate little Assassin.'_

_'Emotional support…'_ This coming from him. _I saw he noticed the bite in my tone._

 _'No matter how much fun me and the level 5's have, I do get them out of here without the need to kill again, don't I? Have a little faith in my skills.' Next to Zeno, Hisoka i_ s _a ruling force in this institution. So if he has anything, it is skills. 'However, if you're going to allow more contact with the Kurta, it will damage the contact between you and your patient, won't it?'_

_'Even without that reasoning, Zeno will not approve more contact. That he gets unsupervised visits is a privilege on its own. He will not take it further than that, it will impede our work if there's too much outside contact.'_

_'So there really is but one choice left.' He casually pointed his finger at me. I would ask Hisoka to do this with Killua, but that would beat the point. He saw the conclusion forming in my eyes. 'You probably have a lot of technical knowledge about emotional support, but please forget that. Killua is beyond that point. The first step is,' he raised his finger up, '…being there when he calls Gon, and assuring him everything is alright. Twist your logic to fit that message. Even if he notices and gets disgruntled because you're faking it, in the end he will be more at ease hearing your words if it are the ones he needs to hear. The second step is simply allowing your body to do what it wants. If you feel the need to give him comforting gestures, simply do it. When Killua doesn't give you complete hate anymore, take that step.'_

_'You're giving a lot of free advice. On top of that, it sounds like a gentle approach, nothing like you would do.' He laid his hand back down on the desk,_

_'It's not, is it. How strange.'_

_'… …'_

_'My, you're giving me such a nasty glare, whatever did I do to deserve that.'_

_'What is so amusing about me and Killua together? Up until him, you were always most adamant in pushing yourself on me.' Literally._

_'You have been able to get yourself sexually aroused outside of a trigger for a fourteen year old boy – a son of the Zoldyck family nonetheless – why wouldn't I be amused? Plus you're both such incredibly fragile creatures for what you love to do, how can I not promote a beautiful romance like that?' He laughed a little when my glare only increased. 'I forgot, you hate being called fragile, don't you.'_

_'You don't forget.'_

_'But you are, you know.'_

_'I have no need for connection; that makes me an exception, not fragile.' He closed his eyes a second and breathed in deeply, seemingly content with my answer. 'But your advice is good, I will use it from now on.' I will intensify contact as much as is needed to be able to break it._

_'So glad my advice is appreciated. I look forward to the images and stories. Hmm~ I think I just should've said to just have sex with him again, shouldn't I. I'm being so honest today, but you're so willing, how could I resist.' He leant his head down on his hands and looked at me a little while longer before I turned around. There's still the opportunity that increased contact will surface something unwanted. However, lack of control over this is more unacceptable._

* * *

'I _will_ stand up and make _sure_ that internal bleeding is real if you're going to pretend to care any longer!'

'I only care about succeeding in my job.' I already lifted myself off the pillow when he didn't continue immediately. Somehow they know _exactly_ how to piss me off, 'I need to make sure you will not kill unless given the job to. The way you are now, you will kill everything in sight that displeases you. I will get Gon's family here without question if it means you don't have to exert yourself any more than you already have. Mind you, this would be a lot easier if you'd just give up on feeling responsible for Gon, but that's not happening. So I don't understand why either of you is surprised. Especially you, Hisoka.' I slowly lay myself back down on the bed listening to all of that. _I'd completely forgotten that that was their actual goal._ They'd been so preoccupied with each other, I thought they'd just lost sight of me, or had just "forgotten" about me.

'Gon is just as awkward with friendship as you are, he's been caring for his little brother his whole life, and he mostly has superficial contacts, you know this. He may have been the one giving you friendship, but he is not the perfect example for healthy social contact, take a better look at it.' Oh, hey, you're not dissing on Gon being the way _you_ are. And couldn't you have tried these sad attempts to help me all through the weeks?! _Where is all this coming from all of a sudden?_ 'Can I leave now without you threatening to tell your parents of your physical state?' When I nodded on the pillow, he pushed himself off the bed more carefully than normal, and exited before Machi returned. I don't know why he suddenly changed, contact with Chrollo should've made him colder towards me, but it's only become more intense from his side. Chrollo's not gonna like this.

… …

I sighed deeply when I realized what that meant; I'm still a target. Can't I just hang a "not dealing with your shit" sign above my head that will keep them away? It's hard enough without your fucking moodswings.

'I'm so very proud of him, he really did it.' _Yeah, you would still feel proud, even after him breaking your arm in two and causing severe bleeding._ God knows what else he's broken on you, but you only fucking liked it. 'He will be working against regulation for you.' _Yeah, to make his job easier._ I gave Hisoka a bored glare for trying something that obvious, but still I couldn't help feeling a little relief. I won't have to do anything more. In response he started to laugh though, but had to stop when he coughed up some blood. I still don't understand why _I'm_ the patient here. 'You want to call your friend to tell him this good news?'

'I'm not calling with you dying next to me.' _I'm not calling because I don't want to._ I knew that if I'd give him this news now, he'd be all happy and buddy-buddy. But being buddy-buddy with him is something I'm gonna have to learn to miss. And frankly, I don't feel like dealing with that happy tone right now.

'Need a hug?' Somewhere I wanted to yell back at that ass, but it would only be fun for him, so I kept my mouth shut, and closed my eyes. 'Oh~ I think we're going to have lots of fun spending time here together.' I felt my eyebrow twitch when he mentioned that. 'You still want to remember how you met Illumi?' _What's keeping Machi._ 'Remember your hit on Yellmi?'

'… …'

'Are you su~re you remember correctly?'

'What the hell are you talking about?' Is he bluffing again? What kind of information do they have on that? I'm pretty sure that all info is secured in our house, it can't be anything _but_ a bluff.

'You should ask Illumi-kun about it.' _You have too many trump cards, someone needs to take those from you._ I growled a little when I could just hear his amusement.

 _Fine_. I'll just ask him about it when I feel like it.

* * *

When I returned to the sleeping room, Chrollo had already disappeared. He should have followed me to the infirmary, but apparently he chose to avoid the conversation. Eventually I found him in my own office. Internal bleeding or not, my body didn't appreciate all this moving around right now, and Chrollo's didn't agree with him either. He lay flat on the carpet.

'You were hoping to avoid the conversation or Machi? That's unlike you.' I decided to stand next to his head and look down on him. He kept his eyes closed.

'It is, isn't it.'

'To make this clear, I-'

'I'm stopping this before you misunderstand.' _Misunderstand?_ I cocked my head,

'I've seen that look before, I-'

'More often than you'd like, I presume, with that body of yours. But so have I. Do you think I wouldn't be able to imitate it?' He opened his eyes when he got silence from my side. 'You thought I loved you? I am aware of my sociopathic nature, surely you must know I don't go beyond possessiveness. Are you that unaware of anything not related to Killua, or are you yourself less emotionless than you thought?' He'd tested my affiliation towards Killua.

'You're suggesting I'm either blind, or I _wanted_ you to feel it that I bypassed logic?' I squinted my eyes at him. He pulled himself up a little with help of the table next to him, and leaned back against it.

'Which is it? Or do you have a third explanation not concerning the drug?'

'Yes I do.'

'Pre tell.'

'I simply find Killua more important than you.' His eyes darkened almost literally.

'This should not come as a surprise to you. Even though we've worked together for longer than I knew Killua back then, the connection I made was with him, not with you.'

'… …' That moment had not been devoid of danger. For as "clean" as Chrollo usually looks, just as much danger had emanated from him just now. In that split second, had Killua been in the room here, he'd have been dead before I'd have had the chance to react. I may have underestimated his possessiveness because he's never clearly shown physical hostility. _I'd felt the need to take a step back, that doesn't even happen with Hisoka._

Even now, he was still reclining back to his normal self, and his eyes were fixated on me.

'For as long as we're here, that will remain the truth. You know how that is with long-term connections.' After another couple seconds of silence, he took a deep breath, and squeezed his eyes shut, rubbing over them.

'I'm sorry about that. You're right. For you, unless you create the physical distance, it will be impossible to detach, won't it.' He apologized, but the level of danger wasn't dropping. If anything, it rose again. He was having regrets about not killing Killua four years ago, wasn't he. I had the feeling that in this state, his body would simply ignore any and all injury. That is an impressive ability, but unknown to me. I haven't seen this side of him before.

He looked up at me when I didn't respond, and analyzed me in an instant,

'…I guess we shouldn't call it fear when it's survival instinct, should we. My apologies, it's not my intention to aim this side of me at you.'

'I've taught myself to step back when the risk is too high or unpredictable. Right now you are both.'

'So it's actually taking willpower to stay in one spot? Didn't think that was a possibility with you.' Neither did I. He lifted himself to his feet completely, 'I do not intend to kill you. Something like this is reserved for those who take what is mine.' He took another deep breath once he stood upright again, and raised his head, closing his eyes as he softly tried to laugh the danger away.

'I am not your possession. Even when we leave here, you will not be the only Assassin I will ever hire.'

'You really need to stop saying these things.' He opened his eyes towards the ceiling,

'If you want me to "sympathize" with this part of you, I _will_ need to know—'

'Aah, I'm sorry, we're going to need to cut this conversation short.' When he looked back down and straight at me, I felt my foot shuffle away half an inch. 'I see you understand why. I'm going to postpone the session I have in an hour. Please inform Zeno of this, and do not follow me to my office.'

'Is this a kind of trigger for you?' He stopped turning on the spot,

'It's closer to just being instinct to me. We'll talk later today.' He pocketed his hands, and walked out of the room without another word or glance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhh  
> OOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHH


	39. Friday 1st & Saturday 2nd - Puppeteer

_Subduing instincts? If what he just showed is his instinctual nature, then he's a purebred killer._

I wasn't able to walk away from that immediately. It'd been unthinkable that someone with his skills wasn't a purebred, but up until now I hadn't known which kind. With people like us, who have been in this world since birth, it's easy to recognize when someone has a clean basic instinct they can access. There is a sense of clarity about them that usually instills fear when shown – no matter the nature of the instinct. Because seeing such a base construct is very threatening for people who are confused about who they are – which is the majority of the population.

So adding Chrollo to the list as Killer, Hisoka being a purebred predator, me as a puppeteer, and Zeno has not shown his side yet; with people like them, there is no clear winner, is there. We are all equally dangerous on our own grounds, and victory is determined by the game that's played. Seeing as it's Hisoka that's initiated this game, I do feel like having Chrollo on my side is favorable.

Although I can't deny that someone like me working with him, is a very good combination, he just eliminated the small amount of "trust" that's needed for cooperation. He will have to be very convincing later today to return that, or find a way to earn it back. He is appealing to me because he has the most clean mind of any Assassin I've ever hired; if something as simple as me not submitting completely as a possession throws him into this state of mind, then this cooperation will not happen.

I turned and walked out of the office after a while as well. I do not feel like having a fight with Machi the way Hisoka does, so I decided to return to the infirmary before visiting Zeno. By all means, having even more people after me is not exactly my goal.

On my way there I worked on kicking out the flight instinct I just had. Fortunately I've never really had it before on this level, because it can be annoyingly lingering. The moment I returned, all kinds of tests were already being performed on Hisoka though; Machi was very much occupied, and there seemed to be no room anymore for me.

I spared Killua a short glance; looking at Killua, I merely wanted to confirm if I'd see a trace of him being purebred as well. There is a high possibility he is, but unfortunately for his family, most probably not in the killing field. I am curious what it is though. The state he is in now will allow him to get closer to his instinct than normally. He should be glad this is the case. As soon as he finds out what it is, it will be a strong weapon for him to use. Hopefully for him not against any of us.

Something kept me from visiting Zeno a while longer though; it was the short look I got back from him. I inclined my head, trying to place it, but eventually decided it was easier to make him say it himself. I bypassed the people occupying themselves with the redhead, and approached the boy. He looked away before I reached him,

'What has Hisoka said?' Hisoka was reprimanded when he started to laugh at the comment, but I changed my mind instantly after having said that, 'No, it's not something he said, you reacted to something with me. What was it?'

'Nothing, it's gone now.' For as far as I was aware of, I had not displayed anything,

'What was it.'

'… …'

'What-'

'You showed _fear_.' I heard from Hisoka's side, and turned a little, 'I'm surprised and so very proud Killua-kun had been able to catch that. Has Chrollo finally shown his true face? I'm actually curious to it myself, if it can cause this with you.'

'Hisoka, keep your goddamn mouth shut!' When he ignored the command and wanted to keep talking, Machi snapped and requested some duct tape, plastering it over his mouth. Well, he doesn't have injury there, so that doesn't really matter.

'Was that what you saw?' Looking back at Killua, he nodded and turned to look my way. _That's not good._ Apparently it's harder getting rid of flight response than I thought.

'You're an idiot for siding with someone like him.'

'It's his true face that makes him even more valuable as an asset.'

'You don't actually mean that.' Didn't I sound like I did?

'Aren't people like Chrollo hailed in your family?'

'No they're not.'

'… …' I was slightly taken aback by that answer, and waited for him to continue. He sighed deeply when he realized I wasn't going to leave him alone until he did,

'Illumi!' But he never got the chance when Zeno called out from the door opening. He sounded disgruntled, even Hisoka calmed down when he heard the tone. 'Come here for a second.' I maneuvered myself back to the door, and he held it open for us until we were both back in the quiet hallway. 'I don't think I need to tell you that you will have to pay for damage yourself?' I shook my head. If it lasted for ten hours, it would've been strange if he was unaware of the happenings. 'What happened exactly? This was not a normal trigger for you.' He was concerned? If that's the case, then I am bouncing against the limits of his safety net in this game, aren't I.

'Ah. No it wasn't.' But the more I explained to him, the more he narrowed his eyes at me, and his mood seemingly dropped. His reaction when I mentioned the injuries on mine and Chrollo's body seemed to elicit something else, but I ignored it for now.

'Anything else I should be aware of?' I inclined my head,

'Chrollo is postponing his next session today, and is a danger to Killua.' He dropped his head slowly and sighed when hearing this. He looks more stressed than usual. I am definitely close to the limits of his safety net. I need to get away from there.

'How did you come to this conclusion?'

'He made me step back instinctually when I mentioned the connection to Killua being stronger. Has he shown this before?' He didn't look back at me immediately. He turned his eyes to the side and seemed to be making a very well calculated decision. This shouldn't even be a hard decision; if a psychologist is a danger to his patient, he should just be removed.

That wouldn't stop Chrollo in the slightest, but it was the least that should happen. However, Zeno was taking more risk in making sure this trio of us was kept together than he would and should. What am I supposed to think of this? Is either of us supposed to learn something of this? Up until now it's been the escalation of one situation after the other, it's not exactly favorable.

I know of Chrollo's motivations, and half of Hisoka's, what is _your_ motivation?

'Are you doubting me, Illumi?' He turned his eyes back to me when the silence between us stretched on.

'I'm in the dark about your motivation, so yes I am.' _That is a rarity, though._ He sighed again.

'Now of all times, it is very important that you don't question my judgment. I always have the other's best interest in mind when making my calls. Especially you should know this.'

'You can say all of this, but up until now there's been-'

'Just push the question to the back of your mind. On top of that, are you aware of any long-term effects of this drug Chrollo gave you?'

'There should not be any.' I shook my head a little,

'Then recreate it yourself, and keep taking it. You will keep working together on Killua's case. I suggest you train yourself harder instead of Killua if Chrollo seems to have the upper hand. I will also call Kurapika here, and _you_ will talk with him about his dealings with Chrollo. Because I imagine the latter has never told you about their connections?' They interacted before the massacre?If that's the case, then it is indeed a good way to find out more about him. I nodded in compliance, but it was still strange that I'd been ordered to investigate Chrollo. 'This will happen tomorrow morning, and I forbid you to talk with Chrollo before that has happened.' I nodded again. 'And please make sure Killua has privacy from Hisoka. That poor boy will crawl out of his bed to strangle him if they spend too much time together.'

'Is that it?' He still looked worried about the whole situation, but he just nodded and turned to walk away. He is right, I've never had a reason to doubt him, but he must understand that his behavior now is impossible not to send alarm bells ringing with me.

I stepped back when the door behind me opened again, and I saw Machi appear, leaning against the doorframe and giving me an annoyed look,

'Before I start operating on the idiot, is there a ruling I should be aware of?' I shook my head,

'Only that Hisoka and Killua need to stay apart.' She sighed and hung her head before responding.

'Well it's _something_. You can take Killua along then. I take it you don't mind him in your office when you don't have patients?' I didn't even have to answer. In his current state he does need another person being physically in the same room. It's the only thing that stops him from trying to harm himself by moving around too much. 'Alright, you know how to move him yourself, go right ahead.' She turned back inside when she heard her name being called.

The way Killua is right now, he will not disturb me while doing my work. I don't have my other patient today, so he can just stay in my office the remainder of the day. I will schedule in a couple of hours for the conversation with Kurapika, he probably has a lot of valuable information.

Killua looked away when I walked back in and started preparing for him to come along with me. I took one second to lean in close to him,

'I will place you with your head in a camera blind spot for when you feel the need to call Gon.' I'd said it as quietly as was needed. When there was no immediate reaction, I wanted to continue, but he didn't let me,

'I hate you.' I hesitated a second when I heard that,

'Because I'm treating you differently now and you don't understand why?'

'I know why. Doesn't take away that I'm glad I don't have to do anything for Gon. That's why I hate you.' I leaned back in a little more.

'Would you rather just feel like this for the remainder of your time here?'

'Don't ask stupid questions.'

'Then me and Kurapika are your only options.'

* * *

_'When are you going to take care of Gon's family?'_

_'Since disappearance with a hint to murder is enough, I can have this done by Monday. By then Hisoka should be clear enough to manipulate footage. You're still not calling Gon?'_

I'd silently refused from the moment we entered his damn office yesterday, and scolded myself. Most probably if I actually wanted to feel something, calling Gon would do the trick. But I'm kinda scared of the aftermath making me push everything away even further. If I keep doing that, I'll be a robot by the time I get out of here.

I can't deal with Illumi faking his care towards me either, by the way. He actually _has_ put me in a blind spot, and hasn't started any stupid conversation since yesterday. _I would've liked this treatment from the start, not to try and fucking fix me halfway through destroying me, you assholes._

Attracting most of the attention in the room was that spiderbox on his desk, by the way, everything else was the same as always. _That box was mine, I could tell the logo was slightly different from his._ Could it have been the cause for Illumi changing sides? Chrollo _did_ warn that the contents would either drive me away or pull Illumi closer to him…

Well, he's not actually chosen Chrollo's side, has he? He's just not sabotaging him anymore. _What is actually in that thing?_ I walked around with it too long _not_ to have lingering curiosity, didn't I.

'What's the matter, your attention isn't subtle.' I looked up from the box straight into Illumi's eyes. I squinted at him a second before I decided to stop being an idiot and just ask by now,

'Have you opened that thing yet?'

'You want me to show you the contents? You weren't interested in it before.'

'I need to be able to tell dad about it on Monday.'

'Do you want to see it then, or do you want me to tell you?' I got a little annoyed at the roundabout answers.

'Just… just fucking show me.' I kept the volume down, and Illumi moved my way, picking up the box on the way.

'You remember me telling you Thursday that it was you and me in that hostage abandonment situation? Do you have any memory of it yet?'

'No.'

'Do you have any idea who put us there?'

'No.' _How am I supposed to know that anyway?_ Illumi stopped right next to the bed.

'Would you believe me if I'd say whatever your memories of Yellmi are, that they are incorrect?' He cocked his head. _Even both you and Hisoka saying the same thing doesn't completely convince me,_

'…If they are, then what I do remember has either been implanted, or my mind has fabricated it, hasn't it? I don't hold it above my parents to do that.'

'You don't believe it.' I raised my voice,

'You're suggesting Yellmi was the one to imprison us there, why would he-' Some gears already started clicking into place before Illumi opened the box and held it out in front of me. 'You _are_ fucking related! I fucking knew it! Your mother was missing? My ass!' _Like I'd forget those fucking insane eyes ever in my life!_ I've been right all along. _Suck it._

'This happened in a time loss for me, I didn't remember until last Sunday. For as far as I was concerned she was dead.' He closed it again. _I can't fucking believe it was his fucking mother. That explains so much about the both of them._ 'She was hiding with the Kurta's. I already worked together with Chrollo back then, and he slaughtered them in order to find my whereabouts. Once I was free again, he simply delivered them to me for experimentation.' _They certainly come across as being insane enough to do that._

'And you're forcing Kurapika to talk about that in a minute?'

'He's going to talk about how he already knew Chrollo before I disappeared.' I sighed and closed my eyes. I heard Illumi walking away again. I don't remember shit about any of what Illumi's saying, but it sounds too plausible to be a lie. I'll cross-check some information with dad in two days. _If he brought me to that house, and gave me this box, he wants me to regain memory right?_ Then I've fabricated this memory of how I thought it went on my own? What the hell happened in that room that I would?

'Is all of this also why you're not working against him anymore? That you trust him now that you remember?'

'Are you using talking with me as a distraction to your situation now that you can't train anymore? You could've talked with Machi all week, you could've talked to me earlier.'

'Are you changing the subject because it's sensitive information to you?'

'Was it only after Gon's call that you found out talking can be a good distraction?' I wanted to pull my mouth open and let all kinds of profanity exit for acting so childish, but we were interrupted before I could utter a sound. The door was slammed open, and without warning, the blonde barged in while Illumi sat down behind his desk again.

'I was practically forced to actually talk with _you_ instead of visiting Killua, I'm not in this room for my own pleasure, what is so urgent?' Kurapika had actually been led to Illumi's office for this. I can't believe he'd been given permission, considering Chrollo. You guys are all out of your mind.

He'd walked in pissed off, but he hadn't been prepared seeing me like this. We hadn't exactly called in the meantime, so his attitude and target changed immediately when he noticed me.

'Dear god, what did they do to you?!' His eyes widened, and he wanted to lay a hand on my head, but I backed my head away when he closed in a little too much. He got the hint. He settled on standing next to the bed, and gave me a worried look. 'And why are you not in the infirmary?' Unintentionally I grunted softly, not really feeling like telling the story right now. When Kurapika noticed, he apologized, and bowed his head a little. I sighed and closed my eyes, deciding to just give a small answer for actually worrying,

'Fight with Hisoka. Ripped and stretched tendons. Fun stuff.'

'Am I allowed to take a look at it?' He turned back around to Illumi who was just watching the scene. But he shook his head. Hadn't expected any differently.

'You can talk with Killua all you want after we're done, our conversation is more important.' Kurapika's eyes trembled a little. There was a _lot_ of discomfort in the room.

'What exactly _is_ our conversation? I was only told it was concerning Chrollo. Which is strange, because Zeno should be aware of the entire happening himself.' The trembling increased a short second before he steeled his entire expression.

'I don't understand his motivations either, but he is someone I listen to.' _Yeah, about the only one._ 'I was told to talk with you about your dealings with Chrollo before the massacre.' I wanted to physically back away when he balled his fist and the level of danger rose considerably. His voice was eerily steady when he responded, but it was nowhere near calm,

'Why am I supposed to talk about this with you, I am not your patient.' There was a short amount of silence from Illumi's side. The first thing I expected out of his mouth was something incredibly blunt, but it wasn't even close. Instead with the same poker face he always had, he chose to say,

'You don't belong with a psychologist from here, I don't see you as a patient. The only counseling you would need here, would be after Chrollo's death, or if your hunt drags on too long. This is a conversation to understand his true face.' Kurapika unclenched his fist in an instant, and shot his head around to me, thinking I'd been the one to see it, 'He showed it to me when I mentioned the connection to Killua is stronger.'

'He showed it to _you?_ ' He turned back and asked with genuine surprise.

'You have seen it before?'

'… …I have.' His hand was unclenched, but his muscles turned incredibly tense. He was really struggling to think about the subject for longer than a minute.

'Can you tell me about the event and everything leading up to that event?' The more Illumi talked with him, the more it felt like he wanted Illumi dead as much as Chrollo. _You know about the experimenting he's done, don't you._ _But you were able to keep composure better when you met him before, so it's just reminiscing on the tragedy that's setting you off?_ Either way, this was not going to end well,

'You're asking me to talk about something that drastically changed my life for the worse, when you can just ask Zeno yourself?'

'He will not say anything.'

'… …' _He was seething having to have come here for that, and he was losing composure._ 'Even though you're the only person he listens to, you did absolutely _nothing_ to stop him! Even when you found Yellmi, even when you were free again, it didn't stop, I am not obligated to do-!'

'You'd be helping me prepare taking Chrollo down as well once I get out of here. Does it help if I say that?' _So he doesn't know about the experiments._ I intervened when he took a violent step towards Illumi and he started using his hands to emphasize his anger. His guard dropped a second, and his mouth closed looking back at me. 'They're probably not letting you go unless you say something, so if this helps.' I saw Illumi nodding in the background. _You guys are beyond cruel._

'… …You're saying this for yourself.' _Hell yeah I am. I need that guy to take out Gon's family, you're not gonna fuck him up today._ 'You already crashed, didn't you?' I turned my head away when his hand reached out again.

'Are you calling me selfish just because I'm doing something for myself?' I turned my eyes back and bit the words at him. 'You think I don't sympathize with your goal just because I have my own?'

'My apologies.'

'I don't need sympathy, I need to hear about Chrollo so I can fuck him up when I get out of here.'

'… …I'm sorry again. You want to know what causes that look with Chrollo?' Kurapika didn't turn back to Illumi, but he was listening intently, 'You think you know about his obsessions, but you have no clue yet. He showed me his true face when I forbade him to go see Yellmi. This was the result.' He lifted his shirt with both hands until it reached up to his chest. There was a thick scar reaching diagonally over his abdomen. _If it's still a scar, it's a fucking miracle you're still alive._ 'He pinned me down after causing this, and wanted to carve out my eyes, but someone else got him off me. I passed out and woke up in a hospital. By that time it was already too late for my family.' He lowered his shirt again,

'Do you think he murdered all of us in one night? No. He picked us off one by one to get where he needed to be. He barely even dirtied his own hands 'till the end, he made sure they would take their own lives once he found out they were not useful to him anymore. He could make anyone so miserable that they'd take their own life. Do you know who gave him the opportunity to do all of this?' He started trembling slightly, his voice as well. 'For months, _months_ , he was close to me while going through every, single, one, of my family. And I never suspected him until he physically attacked me. Do you still think you have an idea of how dangerous he is?' We both kept silent, 'If he's showing his true face to the object of his desire, I wouldn't let him anywhere near the one who's coming in between. He doesn't care about retribution of your family.'

'If Zeno knows all of this, then why is he still allowing him on the case?'

'I don't know. He's putting your life on the line. I don't like any of this.' He stopped talking for a couple of seconds, and he raised his hand to his head, trying to rub the stress out of his face the best he could.

'Is there anything else we should know?'

'I'm sorry, I…' He dropped his hand again and looked very tired without the anger or determination in his expression, 'I don't really know what kind of weaknesses to give you.' I gave it a short amount of thought before Illumi beat me to the next question.

'Were you an obsession for him? Considering some of the things you were involved with before meeting him, I could understand why.' Kurapika finally turned around to face him. 'Next to it being strange that you survived the slaughter of your family, he was more than capable to take everyone out without having to get close to anyone. What were or are you to him?' It got really quiet in the room all of a sudden. I could see the blood retreating from his face. As it was going, I wouldn't hold it above him if he'd faint. Surprisingly, it were Illumi's words that also snapped him out of it again.

'I don't think you expected something big like that would go unnoticed, did you.' I could actually _hear_ his breath trembling. I could see him subconsciously moving his fingers a little, feeling must have disappeared from it.

'Breathe.' I spoke up as well, and Kurapika turned his head back to me. 'Sit down and focus on breathing if you think you're gonna faint.' I could see in his eyes that he was slowly returning from his past, and his face relaxed a bit more. _You haven't talked with anyone about this for a long time, have you._

'You're in the room with a future Assassin and a Mental Breaker, the only reason you could be hesitant in talking would be if you haven't forgiven yourself.' Kurapika took a very deep breath before answering Illumi.

'No, no I haven't.'

'What did you do to attract Chrollo's attention?'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By now I could probably write a shitload of prologues to everyone's story before this, couldn't I. I mean, I may have created a gigantic world, haven't I (how did it end up like this, it was just a small idea when I started, and now I'm in love with this world myself) (see what happens when I like the world I create?)
> 
> Also, for anyone surprised at the sudden add of chapters: there's the possibility I'm being thrown off ff.net, so I'm documenting everything from there over to here. This is the most recent I have.


	40. Saturday 2nd - Unforgiven

'It wasn't what I did, necessarily. It was the how I was able to.' Kurapika looked back at me after I'd asked the question, and I could see the hesitation in his eyes. I wish I could care more than I do, but I just want to know how to take Chrollo down as soon as I'm out of here – that's priority number two, after Gon being number one. 'It doesn't matter anymore if I show you, but understand that I do not wish this information to leave this room. I have a hard time trusting anyone anymore with this information, please turn surveillance off.' I wasn't surprised when Illumi complied immediately, seeing as Hisoka's surveillance is still going. _For everyone's sake, I hope he has a way to keep Chrollo away from that._

'I've been taught all my life to keep the secret, and the one time I didn't, didn't exactly end well for me, so this is not easy for me. Come here.' He gestured Illumi to come closer, 'I'm sure you already know, seeing as you've had contact with him.' …but he was still very unsure. '…I was Chrollo's possession, for a reason I didn't know about until it was too late.' He reached inside his pocket, and I noticed Illumi putting on more of an alert when he did. _You should, you asshole._ 'You see, this used to be a well-guarded secret among the family, because we knew we'd either be hunted down by the underworld - or anyone for that matter - who'd be interested in it.' Alert went down again when what he got out of his pocket seemed to be a lens case. _Well that was odd._ 'You think we took all those criminals in merely out of the goodness of our hearts? We needed to keep our secret, I helped with that. That's the reason I was not allowed to go out with you.' _Well you are now,_

'You took in innocent people as well.'

'That was because law makes it impossible for some people to receive any kind of medical treatment. We took care of them for as long as needed.' _I know very little about the Kurta, don't I._ After opening the lens case, he leant his head down, and didn't move it back up until he was done taking the lenses out.

He looked straight at me when he did.

_That's…_

_Jesus Christ…_

'I see you realize this is a different color than you get with albinism. But it's not the color that's the unusual thing – it just draws the attention. That's why we always hid it.' _No shit that it draws attention,_

'What's special about them then?'

'You've fought with Hisoka, you've seen the heightened senses in his eyes?' I nodded, thinking back on that, and a lot of other life threatening training sessions. 'I've seen effects like that before to. He looks cat-like when he's like that, right?' _His eyes are fucking golden, how can I not?_ 'His senses become sharper, but his sight isn't any different from yours or Illumi's.' _Don't compare me to those dead, black eyes, thank you very much._ 'Our eyes actually have better vision than that of a cat. We can look farther, have a wider range of view, and can adapt better to the dark. There's a long history of experimenting and genetics before we naturally got these eyes at birth, but I won't bore you with that. However, you can understand why that would attract Chrollo's attention.' _Of course I do. What kind of Assassin wouldn't want fucking elf-eyes by their side?_

'You're the one who let the secret out.' He looked back up at Illumi, and took a deep breath. He was constantly fighting the urge not to close his eyes to keep them hidden.

'He… he sought out contact with me. At first I thought he was just looking for someone – which I eventually found out he actually was – but…' He inhaled deeply and looked into nowhere for a couple of seconds. The volume dropped considerably, '…he was kind to me.' He felt ashamed, 'I'd grown up really sheltered because of my family, I'd never been allowed friends from outside. I was the wounded animal he chose to hunt.' He lowered his head and rubbed his face with both hands before he muffled, 'I was 16 at the time, I was really, really gullible.' I gave him the best glare I could give him. It took him a second to notice this, and he raised his hands in apology. 'No offense to you. I've never been through mental training like you have.' He dropped his hands again, and looked back to nowhere. Pocketing them didn't stop me from noticing he was starting to tremble again though.

'Like I said, he chose contact with me to find Yellmi without making too much of a fuss, made me believe it was because he liked me, and through carelessness he found out our secret within a damn week. I didn't even realize he got obsessed until he showed me his true face, he was really good at giving me exactly what I wanted and needed… But after denying him information on Yellmi, he just started torturing and murdering the remaining members of my family to find her. What was shown on the news was all just cover-up, I can't even begin to describe the states in which Chrollo made sure I'd find them.' _Goddamn, I can understand you got trust issues because of that._ A small stream of tears had started making their way down from the start of the sentence, but he willed it away the best he could. That red color almost glowed with tears filling matter their predatorily sight, the color mustbe _a_ reason Chrollo was attracted. No dead pair of eyes can account to this. 'So no, I can't forgive myself for that.' He looked at me silently for a couple more seconds, but Illumi drew attention away again,

'Why has he given up on you?'

'Who says he has.'

'He's still after you? How did you get away?'

'I never did, he just left temporarily to acquire someone new, it seems. He's even… visited me now and again…' He swallowed very hard, confessing those words, and he had to look away from us in pain. The only person he's ever trusted outside of his family, killed that family, and he still won't leave him alone. I still don't understand how you can even interact with anyone.

'Aren't you in danger then, right now? I mean if he's shown you his true face before, and he knows you want to keep him and Illumi apart…' _Can imagine why you'd want to though, theirs is not an entirely stable, non-dangerous co-op._ We both looked around when we saw the door slowly opening before I could finish my sentence, and both immediately sprung on-guard when we saw the person entering. _Speak of the fucking devil, who allowed you here._

'He's not in danger. He knows I value him more alive than having just his eyes.' _I knew it._ Surprisingly, Kurapika didn't react at all to his presence…

'He will try and manipulate me back to his side after he's gained your "trust" again. If he really thought I was a threat, and he actually has priority of you over me, then I wouldn't come near this place.' When nothing at all happened – when Chrollo just stayed in the same place, and Kurapika kept his back turned to him – I completely believed his statement. _But someone as emotional as you should react to his fucking presence, shouldn't you?!_ How dulled have you become to him? How many times does he actually visit you? How much hatred are you actually storing up to defeat him when the time is right?

'You're not going to respond to him?' Illumi asked nonetheless. It took Kurapika a second and a glance to Illumi to respond,

'No I'm not.'

'He loves giving me the silent treatment, don't mind him.'

'He will try to win me back by taking advantage of something he's given me that he thinks is "irreplaceable" to me. I will make sure he will not succeed, but he still thinks he will.' He spoke through Chrollo's words,

'That's because I've made it impossible for you to feel it again with anyone else, don't you think.'

'This conversation is useless with you in the room, Chrollo, you can leave.' He put on a fake smile again before taking Illumi's order and nodding goodbye. _Jesus fucking Christ, why were me and Illumi the only ones feeling that tension?!_

 _'_ You really have dulled to him, haven't you.' I had to ask when Illumi walked off to close the door Chrollo had left open,

'I've dealt with his presence a lot.' He sat down on the side of my bed and decided to put his lenses back in before any more surprise visits would happen.

'Dealing with it or not, you showed a level of unusual comfort around him.'

'You have no idea.' _Unusual doesn't even start to cover it, that guy murdered everyone you loved, you_ should _react._ He blinked a couple of times after putting the lenses back in. After crying, I can imagine they'd float a little. Impressive lenses though, they look incredibly real. 'Everything he told me to lure me in were lies, I can't give you any new information about his past. I'm even useless as bait. Even if you'd suddenly stop being a threat to him, and he recognizes an extraordinary ability in you that he'd want,' he nodded my way, '…after leaving this place, he'd first go back for me, then make sure you'd join as well. Not even you can be a distraction to him.' He turned back to Illumi, 'Do you plan to work together with him?' He got a nod back for that, and Kurapika sighed when hanging his head. 'I guess him eventually being the only one you know, is not a concern for you, is it.' _A very rhetorical question._ After a couple seconds of contemplation, he continued, 'Can I have some time alone with Killua then? Technically this _is_ our time.'

'I'll be back in an hour to talk over what he's told you anyway.' Of course, traces of truth can always be hidden anywhere. When Kurapika nodded that it was okay, without protest, Illumi first put surveillance back on, before leaving the office and closing the door behind him. _I want the power to order Illumi around to._

'How are you, really?' I guess keeping talking about something like this has already pushed him enough for one day. _So, you know, let's just casually switch to my grandiose life right now._

'Fantastic.' I replied sarcastically.

'I'm sorry I'm not allowed to help speed your recovery, but I won't be allowed here anymore if I disobey Illumi's words.' I wanted to say "that's okay", just accepting what was thrown at me like I've been taught, that I didn't care, but the problem is that I do, and I would really appreciate a speedy recovery. I'm going crazy from this heavy feeling in my chest, I can feel that in the background it's slowly crushing me, and I can't seem to do anything about it – I can't reach it. Not a single thought is keeping it from happening. The only thing still keeping me going, is knowing I have to finish something first. I'm not even living for myself anymore, am I. Have I ever, though. What _do_ I actually want for myself?

… …

I sighed when I stopped the train of thought. I've been through this line of questions before, but I can't follow up on it. Because it really doesn't matter what I want. When I'm powerful or influential enough to let Gon and his family out of here, by that time I will have had to push myself so far, that the only thing I'll be able to do, will be my job. So no matter how much I want to think about what I'd possibly want outside of that life, it really doesn't matter.

'… …' I was taken out of these musing when I felt Kurapika's hand on my head. He'd finally found the opportunity to do this. I glared back up at him that he had.

'You were gone really far for a second there.' _You're one to talk._ 'I know the look of someone who doesn't want to live anymore. What's forcing you to go on even now?'

* * *

'What has he told you?'

'You don't care about that, and I don't care about small-talk.' I got followed by Chrollo waiting outside from the moment I stepped out the door. Nothing that Kurapika's told me was new information though. If I want his visit to actually be useful, we _will_ have to talk in more detail about the time before he showed his true face.

'Kurapika was by far, the easiest to enchant. All I had to offer was attention. Mind you, that at his age back then, little more is ever needed.' Especially from someone older and more experienced like Chrollo, I can imagine. 'My apologies that I got sidetracked with him while looking for Yellmi.'

'I don't really care.' In the end, I would've liked to deal with her myself, _and_ it was me who found her, and Killua that got us out; Chrollo playing around with Kurapika in the meantime, had no considerable effect on the outcome.

'I'm so glad the intimate knowledge about those eyes of his has returned to you. He still doesn't know you were involved in their torture, does he.' He doesn't seem to. Zeno and Hisoka know, but Kurapika is too comfortable around me to be aware of it. For as far as he is concerned, my only involvement in the massacre was having been captured by Yellmi and being locked up.

'I'm glad the knowledge has returned to. Why are you following me?'

'I may have a request to ask of you, concerning your real profession.' Before I could answer, I noticed someone's pet had escaped his confinement, and I dodged his enthusiastic run from around the corner, so Chrollo could deal with Phinks. 'Whoa there.' I stopped and waited until he had the ecstatic animal back on all fours again. 'You shouldn't be here, who let you out?' He knelt down and started petting him, Phinks obediently sitting down with his tail wagging. Seeing as Hisoka was completely indisposed at this time, Phinks' care had transferred to Chrollo for a couple of days. He should just keep him.

'What was your request.' Without looking back up, he answered,

'I thought I'd get your interest with that. My house burned down, I wanted to ask if you have a job pending that you can hire me for.'

'… … I take it you ask this because you need the money to replace lost equipment?'

'Someone has been very thorough. They made sure even those non-existent chambers would go down.' I turned around to him some more when he stood back up straight. 'You said you called Silva off hunting me?'

'You know that was most probably futile. You're still a danger to his son.' But destroying Chrollo's residence doesn't seem like a way of doing for him. 'Isn't Kurapika the more likely culprit?' If even the equipment was destroyed… But Chrollo shook his head,

'His grudge is personal, not aimed towards property. Something like this wouldn't give him satisfaction.' There's no-one else outside of this institution that knows about him, and Hisoka's only goal is pushing Killua on me, this is not-

'…Alright.' After a second of deliberation, I made my decision. I will use this as a test to see if he's capable to win that "trust" for cooperation back. I switched to mere lip movements. 'You're going to move Gon's family to him alive and well, and make their disappearance look like Ging's fault. I need this done before session Wednesday.' I expected the level of danger to rise when asking this of him, but he just silently complied.

'You're leading psychologist now, if that's what you believe to be best for Killua.'

'It will be under Zeno's radar. If I hear any one of the Freeccs has been fatally wounded, cooperation is permanently over.' The corners of his lips raised a little,

'You're testing if I'll show you danger again? You're wondering why I'm okay with this.' Volume turned back to normal, 'I'd ask myself that to. But the answer is very simple.' He's probably decided to kill Killua either way once we get out of here, hasn't he. 'Don't worry, I'm very good at not attracting attention to either of us. Let's discuss price later today.' He walked off with Phinks following close behind after those words, and I went on my way again as well. Silva'd said that I take risks normal Deliverers wouldn't. But these "risks" are highly calculated risks. The chances normal Deliverers take are a lot less complicated to control, but that doesn't take away that a lot of them have been caught where I have not. As long as the odds are in my favor, I do not even see it as a risk.

I stopped in front of the open door of the infirmary, and saw bandages being changed on Hisoka. His arm would have to stay in a cast for a little while longer, but he heals unnaturally fast, so most of the cuts on him were already half gone. He looked up with a grin when he saw me enter.

'My, my, to what do I owe the pleasure?' A thought had struck me while talking with Chrollo, and decided to follow up on it,

'Why did you order to have Chrollo's house burned down?' When he started snickering, Machi slapped his head to stop moving while she was doing this. She must've heard already,

'His house burned down? Why would I order to do something that would push him closer to you.'

'You're already convinced that I won't be able to detach from Killua, you're throwing wood on the fire for your own entertainment.' His head got smacked the other way when he started snickering again.

'Well, I can't say it's not an amusing scenario. And why ask me for an answer when you already have one?'

'Confirmation.'

'Well, whoever did this, hopefully did a thorough job, else he will have to do a lot of extra work in order to stay a ghost.' I gave Hisoka a bored look when he said it like that. Burned down completely or not, Chrollo will lose a lot of time securing everything incriminating. It's a good thing that killing Gon's family is not a lot of work. 'So, are you two lovebirds closer now?'

'He's going to take care of the Freeccs in my stead against payment for his lost equipment.' Both Hisoka and Machi looked straight at me when I said this. But it was only the redhead who started grinning again immediately. Machi looked a little conflicted. 'Be sure to take care of surveillance by then.'

'Oh don't worry, I will.'

* * *

'It's not _that_ hard to guess, is it?' Kurapika let his hand fall back into his lap, and his smile faded when he got his answer. For as far as I'd wished for some human contact, I wasn't actually enjoying his presence a whole lot. _Well, I_ do _want contact, but apparently not with you…_

'You've been in contact with Gon?' _You're looking too worried for someone dealing with enough on his own._

'... Hisoka arranged a phone to be delivered to him.'

'Called him yet?'

'Stupid question.'

'Not really. I could understand why you'd be scared to.'

'Well, I _did_ call him.' And it was the best friggin' call I've ever had. I very much enjoyed being pushed by the one person who shouldn't.

'What went wrong?' _No. You don't care, you've only met me a handful of times, you don't know me enough to care this much._

'What do you think?'

'He's being egocentrical and has demanded you make sure everything ends in the best way possible for him, not taking you into account?'

'Bulls-eye.' I started disliking this conversation. I was working for my own best benefit, he was working for his own best benefit, do we really have to go on pretending it's something else than it is? I don't have the energy for that anymore.

'You know it's not strange, his situation's become extreme as well.' When I glared at him, he continued. 'I know it doesn't take away for anything you feel.'

'My heart was ripped out of my chest, and I'm pretty sure I need it to keep on living. I was confronted with my biggest fear, so I don't know, how _am_ I supposed to feel?' Silence stretched on a little longer. He shuffled a little more sideways to better look at me, and I could see him searching for the right words. I looked away. _If you're going to fabricate it this much, please don't bother._

'It's too heavy because you're doing this for a friendship you believe is not gonna last, isn't it.' _It's too heavy because whatever I do, I won't have anything left for myself,_ 'If it helps, it's not your fault he's feeling this way, and unfortunately you're his only lifeline, so of course that makes him desperate.' _Don't. Don't repeat those words._ 'At the very least, once you're out of here you'll always be welcome…' I snapped at that point, and didn't let him finish.

'No, don't pretend you actually fucking care about my well-being, don't you even dare pity me and offer a so-called place to go out of the blue like that!' I looked back up at him, and saw his mood change, 'I've been pitying myself for long enough now! It doesn't matter if people keep saying it wasn't my fault, or that I was pushed into this situation. In the end Gon is still my friend right now and he's going through all this because he _is_ my friend! How am I supposed to say it's not my fault and let him just rot there?!' His posture retreated a little when he noticed the strength of the feeling behind the words. 'It _is_ my fault! I need to accept this and I need to do everything I can to get him out of there as soon as I can, even if he's going to hate me for it! I _need_ to do that, Gon doesn't belong in the same world I do! I will kill Ging properly next time he decides to be an even worse father than mine and involve his defenseless family into his shitty life!' _That bastard started all of this in the first place,_

'Gon will get through this without having to ever affiliate with my world again! He will fucking finish school, he will get a job that makes him happy, he will raise a family, and he will never have to have contact with the underworld again that ruined everything for him! He will never have to face that again, because I will make sure he won't be able to find me ever again!' The yelling had increased with every word that left me, but even though I'd meant every word, and I knew it should hurt to the very core of my being, I didn't even feel my heartbeat change _._ I closed my eyes a little longer to force that realization away. "It's not your fault" "I'll help" "I'm doing this for you" Everything any of you guys've done up until was for your own fucking benefit. At the very least, Illumi doesn't put up a pretense for that, like you do. I laughed a little on the inside when I realized that out of all people, Illumi was actually the most honest towards me. You _are just nice company when I actually have the energy to give a fuck._

I could see the words hit as hard with him as they've been hitting me all week, and for a second, that only made me more mad. But even in all this madness, all my fucking body could do was tense up in frustration. I couldn't bear that…

'Don't hate yourself just because you wanted a normal life.' That second of madness passed when I heard him barely being able to let those words exit his throat. It quieted down inside of me, '"I was sheltered, of course I wasn't able to resist what he offered." "I couldn't have seen it coming, because he's been playing this game so long." "It was our own fault because we took criminals under our wing as well as innocent people." "Not even the people around me saw it coming." Please don't do this to yourself. I'm sorry I said it's not your fault, I should've known better.' He started crying, this was going deeper for him than before, I could actually feel that... 'Everyone deserves happiness. It's within your damn right as a human being to claim it. Unfortunately it's a little harder for some of us to get there. _That's_ why I'm here. Not just to take care of Chrollo. I can feel your pain so well by now that I can't leave you alone like this.' He smiled a little through the tears. _No, don't do this, don't empathize with me,_

'Can you believe it? I firmly believe that everything we do is our own "fault." We create the circumstances around us that allow certain things to happen. But that includes the beautiful things as well. Do you understand? You created the circumstances in which you were able to become friends with Gon yourself, despite everything you'd been taught. Together you created the circumstances for that friendship to exist, you both wanted it.' _Why are you looking at me like that, I doesn't concern you,_ 'I saw how you were together the day we met outside the bookstore. Gon didn't seem like the kind of person to regret having become your friend, no matter what's happening now, is he. And don't you dare regret having become friends with him either. You both wanted to be together, and I can see how much the friendship means to you. No matter what painful things are going on right now, don't you dare push that feeling away. It tears me apart just thinking about simply forgetting I ever loved my family, please don't do something like that to yourself.' He had trouble continuing after that. _What just happened?_ Just now, that face, _don't tell me that you actually care, that's impossible. You're here to stop the man that caused you all this grief, and make sure I can help you. Nobody cares about how I feel, nobody looks at me like I exist, I just do what I'm told. Please don't care, I-_

He stood up, and gently lifted me a little to lay his arms around me. _I don't_ get _kindness, I'm an end to a means, I'm nothing more than that. If I believe I am, I will die from the weight of realizing I'm not allowed to be more than that._

'It's not going to be easier tomorrow, and you might want to give it all up again day after day, but don't ever think that you don't deserve something like this.' I felt his tears fall on my shirt, and I buried my face into his shoulder some more. _What am I supposed to do with this? I don't have anything left, I'm nothing._

'Please stop…' I muffled against his shirt, but he didn't comply,

'I won't.' I started trembling a little myself. _How can you do that? How did you just step past your own problems to look at me?_ 'Do you know how many times I thought that just suppressing it would be the easiest way to go? Do you know how much it hurt when I realized what kind of life that would mean for me? So please…' He squeezed a little tighter around me, 'You're not alone, no matter what. Please just call Gon and talk about it when you're ready for it. You're both just incredibly lonely right now. I'm still alone, but you don't have to be.' _I… I can't… I'm a tool, I'm…_

Going against Machi's words, I still raised my arm to grab hold of his shirt. I needed something to hold on to more than ever...

* * *

After returning to my office this morning, Kurapika had requested to continue the conversation elsewhere. Both of them had seemed different, but neither of them said anything about it. Since it was of no concern, I hadn't asked about it either. Kurapika had provided me with a lot of information Chrollo had shared with him, but knowing him, it is indeed most probably not worth anything.

So I'd spent most of the day at the infirmary, working on recreating Chrollo's drug. Because in the end I do intend to use it, no matter what Zeno would have said. It is the only way to subdue these triggers completely. It will still take a couple of days to get it right though. I'll refrain from touch until then.

It had gotten well past midnight when returning to my office, and I looked down on Killua actually sleeping. That was a rarity, especially on top of the relaxation in his expression. Has Kurapika given him comfort? Is this the effect Hisoka was aiming at? If the Kurta can give it, then there's no need for me to do this, is there?

I lay a hand on his shoulder when I noticed he was pulling it a little awkwardly in his sleep. He's moved it around?

'Hurting myself in my sleep again?' I didn't think a lithe touch like that would actually wake him up.

'Why did you move your arm today?' Something is different in his expression.

'Does it matter?'

'… …' Not right now. 'Refrain from doing so until Monday. Hisoka will be gone by then, and you will start rehabilitation with Machi.' He looked away slightly, and saw he was still half-sleeping, his eyes slowly closing again. Because of that, it was even more easy to read him than normally.

For the past couple of weeks, Killua had responded and acted like he wasn't worth anything. Kurapika said or did something that gave him the feeling that he was. Because at the moment he looked more hurt than broken. Revelations like that are good for the long-term, he will still be empty for a long time from now.

'Dumping me with her for that, are you.'

'She knows more about rehabilitation than I do.'

'You sure as hell knew about it back then.' It took a couple of seconds to register what he just said, but his eyes shot wide open, and mine did as well. Suddenly, he looked very much awake.

'Ah! You remember something?'


	41. Sunday 3rd - Reveal to me my true name

_'Aaah! I can't fucking… god_ damnit _!' For the millionth time since we got here, I watched the boy try to rip one of those plates off. I know it's impossible, he knows it's impossible, I don't know why he's still trying._

_'Broken a finger again?' I looked up from sitting on the head of the bed in a corner with my arms curled loosely around my legs. Seven days have passed by now. The leftover food is gone, this was a losing battle._

_'Shut the hell up!' He violently pointed at me._

_'You know you can't-'_

_'No! I will not listen to that shit! I have been trained since I could fucking walk, I have enough strength to do this!'_

_'Clearly you don't.' I leaned back against the wall, and stretched out one of my legs. Preserving energy is the better choice in this situation, he should know if he's been trained for this._

_'Well_ someone _has to try, doesn't he, you son of a breaker!' If it was meant as an insult to my lean physique, it was far from the truth. My body is stronger than his. Unfortunately, even if I wanted to help, my hands are in no shape to create any kind of pulling power without being ripped off._

_'It's because I am that I know we're not getting out of here with brute strength. These are reinforced walls, the door is bolted down from the outside, and those bolts you're trying to pull each have an anchorage of about 100kg.'_

_'I fucking_ know _, and I'm telling you I've done more than this!' He screamed again when he pulled hard, but noticed his finger really had been badly injured, and took a small step back from the window. 'I won't let this be the truth! This is the first fucking mission I've ever done after goddamn inhuman training every single fucking day! I will not let my life end with some stupid mix-up like this!' He yelled at me, but started coughing really hard afterwards. I don't know which state of mind is healthier in this situation; Killua, raging, and trying not to give up, or me, staying calm and accepting the situation. Am I going to die here? Should I care more?_

_During these thoughts, I lifted my hand and asked him to come closer. Like every time before, he crawled up on the bed with me, and I shuffled away from the wall, spreading my legs so he could sit close on his knees._

_I took his injured hand in mine, and looked at the finger. If it really was a break, then it wasn't a complete one. I pinched near the knuckle, and he flinched, but didn't pull away. It was just dislocated. This was easier to heal._

_'I only have to set it back. But you will have to keep it still for at least an hour.' He nodded compliantly, and lifted his shirt to bite down on the neck of it. I held his hand in one of mine, firmly in place, and within a second pulled the bones back to where they belonged. A strained sound exited Killua's throat, but nothing extraordinary._

_This boy is ten years old. Assassins are just as much of a crazy breed as we are._

_'Thank you.' He resisted the urge to shake his hand to test it, and lowered it down into his lap._

_'How is the break on your arm feeling?'_

_'It's feeling alright, I've had worse.' He happily lifted said arm, and looked straight at me._ That's not the usual look I get when someone looks straight at me.

_'My apologies.' It actually made me apologize, 'I'm sorry she's made your life a hell as well. I'm going to take care of her if we get out of here.' I lifted my own bandaged hand, and stroke my fingers through his hair to the back of his head, letting it rest there._

_'_ When _we get out of here.' He's as much of a broken marionette as I am. No matter how much I'd like to pretend, I know my parents have caused irreparable damage with me – my mother specifically. This is about as close as I'm able to get to anyone. It is good to keep me safe from outside influence though._

_When I dropped my hand and shuffled back against the wall, Killua turned around and leaned back against my chest. I lay my head on top of his, and closed my eyes as I let my arms loosely find their way around him. This seems to be a good way to cope with the situation._

_'You need to have some confidence, it's not gonna end on such a pathetic note. If we're not forcing out of here, any one of my family will come looking for me.'_ They won't. _Apprentice Assassins that fail on their first mission are abandoned, family or not. It is a kind of rite of passage. No-one is coming for him, no matter how much he believes._ Our only hope is Chrollo's possessiveness.

_I felt myself slowly drift from consciousness, and Killua's warm hands crossed over mine. No matter that my timing of coming here had caused all this for him, he's not wasting his energy on a grudge. It's actually not an unpleasant change of pace._

* * *

I… I really had been there with him?!

Illumi stopped me from shooting up too suddenly. Logically of course there'd been a shit ton of evidence pointing that way, but I still hadn't actually believed it. Not until just now. I stared up at the ceiling and recapped some of the images that had just returned, breathing a little heavier, and blinking my eyes out. _Why now? Because Kurapika showed that face this morning?_

'What did you see?' What did I see? _I remembered we were not even close to what we are today._ If that's how you are in a time-loss, then I feel really tempted to put you in one again.

Thinking back on that some more, I realized a couple of things. One, in all the three weeks that I'd been captured there, no-one had come for me. Two, even though no-one did, I'd still been able to free myself, hadn't I. Three, I can't deny that Illumi's calm demeanor had actually helped me survive that. Four, we'd actually cared about each other, hadn't we. Probably for the first time in both our lives had someone cared. I turned my eyes back to him a second when my body remembered it'd felt really comforting sleeping in his arms, but immediately started blushing and looked away. _I can't deal with this shit right now._

* * *

_'Why are you hugging me?' When I woke up on the bed, the first thing I noticed, was that I was no longer sleeping alone. The boy had stopped trying to find a way out for now, and pulled my arm over him, curling himself up against me, desperately clutching my shirt. He wasn't sleeping by any means, he was trembling. We've been here for four days, and I've slowly seen him collapse under the pressure, but he never actually showed fear like this. All he'd done was futily trying to find a ways out. 'Are you crying?' The tension in his body felt so high, he is absolutely terrified._

_But he wasn't the only one. I've had triggers nearly from the moment I stood alone, and this boy did interest me, so why am I not experiencing anything right now?_

_We told each other the second day, about our lives, about the circumstances that had brought us here so we'd at least understand the situation, and I'd also warned him about these triggers, this situation didn't make sense. With any normal person, I'd have found this behavior of his… well, normal. But he's a Zoldyck Assassin, or starting to be one, a breakdown like this, forgetting instructions, for someone with a past and future like his…_

_'Shut up.' He curled up into me even more. He most probably hasn't had any comfort in his life before, and he's grasping at straws in this hopeless situation. He doesn't even know how to ask for it, does he. But I've never actually received or given it myself, and never intended to. I don't know how to handle this situation, and it makes me highly uncomfortable. Does he need this to be able to keep trying? Do I need him to keep trying?_

_If I'd been alone here, would I be doing the same thing as Killua? Would I be trying to pull those plates out? Do I actually value my life as much? It's remarkable Killua does; with the upbringing he must have had, that somewhere he actually sees something worth living for, and is afraid to lose it._

_Subconsciously, I squeezed him a little closer when that thought went through me. If I survive here, what would be different? I would simply hunt my mother down and make sure she'd pay, and then I'd just do what I've always done. Most probably for the rest of my life. This kid in my arms doesn't seem like someone who's sad because he won't be able to continue his job – being an Assassin means being expendable, sadness over not being able to continue does not exist. He's sad for something else._

_'You don't want to be just an Assassin, do you.' I asked out loud, but I didn't get an answer. Right now, what I was holding, it wasn't an Assassin in training, it was a normal ten year old boy who was afraid to die._

_Somehow that felt incredibly frightening to me._

_So I pulled us both up, and lifted him over my legs so he could sit down on them. I got one moment to look at his face when I did, before he shuffled closer again, and wrapped both his arms and legs around me. Apparently I'm not triggering, so none of this matters. I lifted my legs, and put my arms around him as well, burying my face in the mess of white hair beneath me, feeling and hearing the sobs while his hands gripped the back of my shirt tightly._

_He's been abandoned, and somewhere he knows they're not coming for him. It's breaking him apart to realize he really is expendable. Shouldn't it break me apart as well? Why am I holding him like this? No-one ever taught me to, no-one ever asked or told me to do so. Was I scared myself? But why would I be scared? It's not like my life is so incredibly valuable, not even to me._

_But he needs this to keep trying to break out, doesn't he. So perhaps I do want to leave here that I'm giving it to him._

_'You're shaking.' I heard the muffled, sniffing voice say, buried deep in my shirt. Am I? I am shaking, aren't I? I closed my eyes, 'But you're really warm.'_

_'You are as well.' I answered in a soft voice. This is weak behavior for me. I never needed contact, I never needed to think about a future… I've faced countless life or death situations before, but this one was hopeless when it came to breaking out on our own. Why am I actually helping him to continue doing this._

_I understand perfectly why others would do this. I've locked up dozens of experiments for extended periods of time. I've researched and observed exactly why people seek or give comfort in these situations. They need hope, without hope they lose the will to live. Even if it's unreasonable hope._

_But I'm not others. I calculate, I plan, I experiment, I hire Assassins, I sell the results if someone's interested. I don't socialize, I don't care, I don't feel. I don't create false hope, I don't help. Others do._

_… But Killua felt so warm._

* * *

'I can't talk about it right now.' The more I focused on that first memory, the more new shards of memory were coming back. It also surfaced a lot of old feelings of fear, and I wanted it to stop.

'… …' Illumi took a moment of deliberate silence before answering. 'Your voice was shaking. If it's that difficult to even think about, we'll talk about it either later today, or at session again on Monday. But I reckon you don't feel like sharing this with Chrollo.' _You reckon correctly._ Illumi still had trouble walking away from it though. Apparently he had problems remembering it himself, he was actually fighting curiosity, wasn't he.

'Later today is fine. I just need to sleep.' _Please just let me fall asleep again, I don't want to remember any more at this point, the day's been hard enough on its own._

'Do you want to do this here, or at the temporary sleeping hall?'

'Is Chrollo staying the night here?'

'He doesn't have a house anymore, so yes.' _Well that distracted me from the memories._ For a split second, I looked back at Illumi in interest, before it faded as quickly as it had appeared.

'Then I'll just stay here.'

'He's not allowed to lay a hand on you, but I'll lock the door behind me again either way. I'll see you in the morning at eight.' I nodded in my pillow, but flinched a little when I felt that it pulled on my shoulder a little. Illumi noticed, 'Do you need that massaged loose a little?' He nodded at the painful joint, but I shook my head,

'It's fine enough.' _I don't need you doing that so I'll remember even more._ 'Just do it later today.'

* * *

_'If you didn't have the strength in the first week, you'll certainly not have it anymore after twelve days.' I commented when I woke up on my own, and heard the familiar sounds._

_'Well,_ something _has to be done, don't you think? Food ran out days ago, and obviously no-one is coming for us.' He stopped a second, and looked around at me when I warily sat up. The worn blanket slid off my upper body, and I raked my hair to the back. It hadn't taken long for us to realize that actually sleeping close together helped keep us sane to some degree, so we just did. It kept Killua's rage under control, and it kept me from just giving up and accepting my death. That didn't mean there hadn't been fights – mostly instigated by the boy - but every night we'd still been able to crawl into bed together. I don't understand anymore. I don't understand why I'm just accepting everything I'm doing when it's nothing I've done before, I don't understand why I'm even making an effort to stay alive. Am I replacing my mother with him? But it's not the same, is it? But I don't have the need for any other kind of connection, that simply doesn't exist with me. I am more content without it than with it._

_'Well, only one plate needs to be removed, it'd be easier if you scratched part of the wall away to get better grip.'_

_'I've been trying to do that, but it's really hard to muster up the-' When he started to look unsteady on his feet, I shot off the bed, ready to catch him. Ultimately, just a small push in his back was needed. 'Why don't you try instead then?' I lifted both my hands around in front of his face before he realized again. 'Oh, right, those things are still weak from being broken.' That they were only broken and not detached was a miracle. They'd been caught in the door before it closed permanently. Killua still sounded woozy though, so I scooped him up, and lay him back down on the bed. That he didn't protest was a bad sign._

_I sat down beside the only piece of furniture in the room, and watched Killua roll to his side._

_'We're not going to die here, are we?' Finally he's able to ask the question out loud. But technically, odds were against us. Not necessarily because of starvation or dehydration, but because of the conditions of both our bodies, and the time needed for us to heal and be able to rip those plates out. Most of all, that we had no-one coming for us. Chrollo was taking too long. He must be obsessed with something else at the moment that he hasn't started a manhunt yet. At the moment where his possessiveness would actually be helpful, he's falling short. It felt ironic. 'What do you want to do when we get out of here.' He reached his hand out a little, and I lay mine of top of his. He was starting to get terrified again, trying to find new hopes and motivations._

_'If you're not able to go back to your parents on your own, I'll deliver you. After that, I'm joining up with Chrollo again, and make sure to-' I stopped when he started to laugh a little,_

_'Don't do that, you'll be killed if they see you with my body. But please make sure to make that bitch Yellmi pay. Make sure she suffers.'_

_'Don't worry. I am very well-versed in torture.' He laughed again,_

_'We're a couple of psycho's trying to survive, but we're not acting any differently from anyone else in a situation like this, are we.' He shuffled a little closer, and brought our hands closer to his face._

_'An extended period of time without hope of survival can do that with you.'_ But it's not supposed to with me. _Killua sat back up on the edge of the bed and lay our hands in his lap. I looked up at him when I felt him starting to tremble, and started looking unsure, avoiding my eyes '… …?'_

_'I… I never… I actually never had …this, my whole life. So, you know, if it ends here… thank you.'_

_I leant up on my knees, lifting my hands to cup his face. I looked him straight in the eyes. If he's thinking like this, if he thinks that he's already gotten everything he wanted in life, he's going to give up. I didn't want that to happen._

_So I stroke my hands further through his hair and pulled him close. I've never been taught any of this, this is purely my instincts telling me I need to do this for some inexplicable reason._

_So I listened to them, and inclined my head a little to kiss him on the lips. It was a long and soft kiss, and I felt Killua's trembling decrease. I don't know myself anymore. I thought I did, but everything's been turned upside down from the moment the door locked behind us. I'd raged more than Killua back then, and hadn't calmed down 'till late on the second day. It wasn't 'till after the fourth day that I'd stopped having these rage attacks in all._

_And right now, I was actually kissing this boy less than half my age. I've never had a kiss before, not even from my parents, and I don't think Killua has either. And I didn't pull away until I felt his hand on my cheek. I still held our faces close._

_'I take it that was a thank you from your side?' He laughed awkwardly. I sat back on my heels and let my hands glide down until they were folded in his lap, and I lay my head on it. Not a second later, I felt his hand on top of it, softly gliding through my hair. 'I take back what I said earlier. We're not a pair of psycho's, we're a pair of awkward psycho's.' He took a short silence to lean down and kiss the top of my head, 'We're all equal in the face of death, aren't we.' This isn't merely coping with the situation anymore. Something is stirring inside of me, and I'm not too fond of the idea it will continue doing that._

* * *

He stopped his hand halfway to my shoulder, but didn't retreat it immediately. He needed to go, but all I got from him was silence, and a whole lot of focus on me. I turned my eyes back to him when the situation didn't change for a seemingly long period of time. _Was he remembering something as well? He looked really distant._

Wait, no..

Oh no, no, no!

_You're not having a fucking trigger without even touching me, are you?!_

I took a very deep breath in relief when he finally dropped his hand again and I closed my eyes. He didn't say anything anymore after that, he just walked away without closing the door behind him.

What the hell happened just now?

* * *

_'You've been sitting there the entire day, are you still there?' I heard the voice in the distance, but it only half reached me. It's been 21 days. In those 21 days, Killua had come so close that it shut me down completely. I knew exactly what was happening, but I couldn't do anything about it. Everything outside of myself was dangerous, I needed a stronger wall, and I couldn't stop building it. Last night had been the final straw, but Killua hasn't stopped trying to reach me since._

_His arms and hands are in shambles, he can't continue trying to get us out._

_'Ne, I can't exactly do this on my own Illu, don't give up.' His voice started trembling. 'Come on, we've been doing great so far, why this now?' He approached me, but he refrained from touching me this time. Last night, he said something while touching me, and it caused severe panic, he was afraid to cause it again. What did he say again?_

_'I finally have enough of a grip on one of the plates, we can leave tomorrow.' His tone was becoming unsteady. 'We can finally leave, you should be happy.' Ultimately he did touch me, but I hardly felt the hand on my shoulder._ I can't leave Killua, I can't leave this room, so I'll just leave this reality.

_'Goddamnit Illu! It's too hard on my own, get your ass back to this world or I'll use you as a ram for those fucking plates!' His voice lost power along the way of that sentence, and his fist balled up in my shirt. He lay his head on top of my pulled up knees. I think it got wet with tears._

_That's right, it wasn't anything he said, was it. It'd been the look in his eyes. He put all the hope he had on me. I hadn't been able to accept that._

_'I can't fucking take this anymore!' The volume in his voice returned when he lifted his head again, but he still faltered while screaming, 'Even if I get out of here, what the hell is actually gonna happen?! I have to return to dad and say my first job actually failed? Do you have any idea what he's going to do to me when I do?! Do you think that's actually better than this situation?!' He pulled on my shirt, but I still didn't react to any of it. 'And after that, do you think anything will change?! I'll just continue training, I'll just continue doing jobs, I won't have anything close to feeling what I have here!' He started wheezing a little when he put so much strain on his voice, but it didn't stop him._

_'It may have been hell, but there's been good things too, out there it's just an eternal purgatory, I don't want to live a life like that!' He grabbed my other shoulder as well, and started shaking me. 'I don't have a single fucking thing to look forward to out there! Except for actually dying of hunger, this has been the most I've ever felt alive! Please tell me to continue trying to get out of here so I'll live, because I'm losing every reason to!' He let out a louder and more desperate scream after that, followed by some equally gut-wrenching cries and sobs. The only thing I could do, was be a pillow and punching bag for his frustration right now. That I could understand his feelings actually terrified me even more._ I don't feel others, only I exist in me.

* * *

_Why am I in the car? What just happened?_

Luckily, I got back to my senses when I realized driving with tunnel vision was asking for an accident. But that didn't take away that I had just had an illogical fight-response. I'd been an inch away from attacking Killua, from eliminating him completely. I crossed my arms over the wheel, and lay my head against it, closing my eyes. I hadn't even consciously remembered anything, it had only been a reminiscent feeling because of the look Killua had given me – I'd wanted to force it to stop existing. If I hadn't walked away, I would have followed through, and caused more inconveniences than I could've handled.

He'd just looked at me like he could see a part of me that's buried so deep it shouldn't exist. If he's able to see that, he could have control over me.

I felt the inclination to hurl rise when that sensation crossed through me, and I took some distance from the wheel; opening my eyes wide and forcing the small feeling away. _He had that control once, didn't he? Had I cracked while being locked up?_ I knew some kind of long-term connection had been made, but not to this extent. I'd shown a part of myself that shouldn't be there. I stop anyone that even shows an inkling of getting close to something like this. I am good at this, I have perfected this, no-one is able to touch me, and I am more than content living like that. Of all people, I have peace with being this way, I don't have the same need others have for contact, I don't have it locked away, it doesn't exist.

… … But I can't deny that I'd just felt the same need to kill him as I'd felt for my mother through the years.

I closed my eyes, calming my mind down. I need to remember the happenings consciously, random bursts of emotional remembrance are only confusing me. Now that Killua seems to have remembered some of the happenings, we will talk about it later today like we agreed.

… …

But even thinking about setting a step closer to him did not help regaining control. If I can't rationalize this now, then I will simply shut myself down until I can.

_Hisoka is not right, I can walk away from this like I did before._


	42. Sunday 3rd part 2 - Call the past for help

_Alright, that's a good way to start the day. Depressed, and remembering a time where I've apparently felt the greatest fear I've ever felt, and being comforted by one of the persons who ruined my life since I've come here._

I turned my head to the side and looked through the small opening in the curtains to see it was still dark as hell out. _Woken up prematurely, and not being able to go back to sleep were just dandy as well._

How the hell was that person now vaguely in my memory even the same person that had walked away just now? Is he really not Yellmi?

… No he's not. No matter how or what went wrong at that point, I'd done my research on Yellmi, and it'd most certainly been that deranged woman (apparently) locking us up. _Illumi had been_ raging _like hell the first couple of days man…_ No matter how I try, my memory of him, and him today are just nothing alike.

Well, maybe only the last thing I remember.

I turned back to stare at the ceiling. _He'd been wa~y out there, hadn't he._ I blinked a couple of times, ending up with just closing my eyes again for another futile attempt at going to sleep. It's just shards of memory, but I can't believe I actually fabricated memory to deal with it. Dad knew about this then? I mean, he did bring me to that house. He probably only recently tried to make me remember because it didn't matter before, did it. But now that I'm close to this dude again… I can understand why he's doing this. I need to have myself armed.

I glared at myself when I made the stupid joke of not being able to move my arms in my head. _Well someone needs to make them if there's no Gon nearby._

That thought made me turn my head again, and I looked down at the phone next to the bed.

'… …' I was actually getting to the point that calling Gon was about the only thing I felt like doing. That I actually felt like doing anything was a good feeling in itself. At the very least when I give him the good news about his family, the conversation's not gonna hurt. _He's just scared and lonely himself, right?_ That's easier to accept now that I'm free of burden a little.

'… …'

Fuck it, there's no use to keep staring at that damn phone, and Illumi's probably not coming back any time soon. I'll just pick up the damn thing myself. _I'm sorry Gon, but I'm gonna wake you early again._ I laughed a little to myself when I thought about all those awkward early morning times. _I need to make it up to Gon, I need to bring this to a good ending, else this dead feeling will never go away._

I started moving my arm a little painfully, but the thing wasn't far off, so actually picking it up wasn't that hard. The real problem apparently lay in unlocking the thing, and finding the actual number, because of course Hisoka had erased every goddamn number in here!

I resisted the urge to throw the thing across the room when I didn't find anything. _Now that I've decided to call Gon, I will goddamn turn this phone inside out to-_

'Need a hand with that?' I looked up when I heard the redhead's voice from the door opening. My mood dropped like a brick.

'What are you doing here.'

'Oh don't worry, I'm just here to help speed things along a little. Let me dial that number for you.'

* * *

I looked up when I heard a ticking on the window. Before I even noticed it was Hisoka, he already opened the door, and sat down in the passenger seat next to me.

'Should you drive, or should I drive?' He waved his casted hand in the air, but I didn't appreciate the joke.

'Why are you here?'

'Did you know that I just helped Killua-kun call his precious friend? Whatever you did seemed to have had a good effect on him.' He was almost literally grinning from ear to ear. I decided to just lean my head back in the seat, and focus my vision on nowhere in particular.

'Why would you help Killua do that?'

'Isn't it obvious? If he doesn't believe that bonds can give good things as well, how would I ever be able to bring you two together.' The mere mention of that brought a slight increase in heart rate, and Hisoka noticed,

'How did you know I was here?'

'Zeno personally requested I help this situation a little. So… are you in need of some… counseling, yourself?' I turned my eyes his way when he made himself a little more comfortable. I wanted to say "What makes you think I need to talk to anyone?", but it was too obvious that something was wrong. Hisoka is not leaving this car.

But I don't intend on talking about this either.

'Killua-kun looked quite open, don't you think.' He looked back out in front of him as well. 'But for someone like you, that shouldn't be a problem, should it. You have an almost perfect shield for it. Did the boy break through a little? How did he manage to do that?' He lifted his arm a second, and looked at it, as if examining the cast. 'You must be absolutely terrified if that happened, but it couldn't have suddenly happened on the spot, could it. So during your captivity together, you actually let him in, didn't you. Whatever could have caused something so drastic to happen?'

'I'm in no need to talk with you.'

'Oh, but I think you are. Responding like that – especially you – is quite the extraordinary happening, isn't it.'

'Extraordinary or not, I-'

'Do you remember anything clearly yet?' I kept silent when he interrupted me, and he took it as sign that I hadn't. 'If you don't, then let's speculate on what kind of situation could've caused you to open up in the first place, shall we. And don't worry, I don't intend on forming any kind of bond with you, you know this.'

'You're stimulating me to remember on my own, just like Chrollo'd done.'

'You could say that.' I closed my eyes and leaned back forward on the wheel, thinking back on that time. Although still anxious, literally remembering _is_ my main goal at this point.

'Why are you suddenly helping me with this.' But it didn't take away that I doubted Hisoka's motives. Unfortunately, that doubt was only based on instinct, because logically he was just doing everything he could to make sure I wouldn't be able to detach from Killua.

'I just want to see how far you are able to go. It's all I ever want.'

'You keep pushing me for selfish reasons like that. How can I trust you're not going to leave me to break on my own once you're done playing with me. Like you do with everyone.'

'Hm~ so you're admitting I could actually break you?' He got a glare for saying that, 'But just like I told Killua-kun before we started our fight, you're too precious for me to break. On top of that, I'm not implanting any memory, am I. I'm merely helping you remember.' _You don't ever "merely" do anything._ I reduced the glare a little. At the very least, if I can remember here, I won't have to be close to Killua to find out. That is a positive thing.

'…There's only one explanation for Killua to have been able to get through to me.' His grin grew,

'Which is…'

'My mother may have been deranged, but she knew exactly what she was doing concerning me. She made sure that when I became this way, that I wouldn't turn inward at all – merely form a shield - by making herself the single connection I had with the outside world. Most probably so I wouldn't get rid of her.'

'Brilliant woman indeed.' I _have_ learned my skills from her,

'It's the only reason I started searching for her when she disappeared. I wanted to sever that connection.' Through the years with her, it'd only been troublesome. Once she was out of the picture, I thought that I could simply separate myself from it, but I wasn't able to. I needed her dead.

'Hm~ but when you found her again, it wasn't so simple was it?'

'She'd kept the need in me alive to have some kind of connection, and she made it impossible for me to find that inside myself. In the five years without her, I'd had neither inward nor outward-' I straightened my back when a memory crossed my mind,

'Ah, I see you remember something.'

'I'd met Chrollo during that time, I remember him being there now and again.' But I don't feel anything close to a bond with Chrollo, so I haven't used him as a substitute connection, have I. 'It doesn't matter. Without a bond for five years, meeting her again, her forcefully separating that bond by locking us up to die, I might have been desperate enough to let Killua in.' It's not farfetched. I must have convinced myself that I was doing everything I did there, to be able to cope and keep us alive until help would come, or we could escape.

While becoming physically close, at that time, I was unable to keep up a shield, wasn't I.

But I didn't have an outward connection anymore after breaking free, how have I felt so calm since then? Has the connection with Killua been lurking under the surface all this time?

'Sounds very plausible. It would also explain why you wanted Killua dead after-'

'I already knew you before this happened as well.' He swallowed the words he was about to say, and let out a low chuckle.

'My, I feel so flattered that you remember me again.' His attention on me increased once the words had left my mouth.

'I only saw you once, but you delivered a lot of experiments to me for free, didn't you.'

'I might have.'

'If you were already fascinated with me back then, then why didn't _you_ come looking for me?'

'Like you said, we only met once during that period of your life. I gave you a lot, but I'm not possessive like Chrollo. I wasn't keeping an eye on you.' I cocked my head,

'You're giving me a straight answer?' This was a strange day.

'No reason to lie. I loved your work back then, I still love it now, but you know I'll never protect anyone. I shouldn't have to explain that.' This was true. But it is a bad thing that I'm having gaps in my memory without a triggered time loss. It's a peculiar and dangerous situation.

'I need to do a new scan. Memory loss outside of triggers is unacceptable.'

'Oooh~ haven't done that since you came here, did you. Tell me, what makes you think that doing that will clarify anything?'

'What are you talking about?' His mood changed,

'You _must_ realize that this entire scenario is being laid out for you. If you don't know which course we want you to take, how will you be able to get out of it? Maybe we want you to do the scan, perhaps not. And how do you even know you don't want the same end result we do.' I hesitated a second before stepping out and slamming the door closed either way. Hisoka got out to follow me. In the end it's actually all very simple. Whatever Zeno's doing, he has never shown intent to break anyone in an irreparable way. He's an advocate in giving people the hints they need to solve it by themselves. Hisoka has been working against that, but he _is_ abiding by Zeno's end goal. Adding all of that up, there's very little chance that what they're doing is meant to completely destroy me.

However, there appears to be a level of danger to Chrollo that they do not agree with. Because there's never been a dislike for me returning to my previous profession until he appeared.

'I know you can reason it in a way that we're not going to destroy you, but are you sure you will _like_ our end result?'

'Am I merely an experiment to you?' I turned around to him, and he stopped a foot away from me.

'What harsh words coming from a Breaker.' I narrowed my eyes at him before he felt forced to continue and lifted his hand palm up. 'Everything I do is for my own amusement, that is hardly news. It's a lot less fun when you're the one being played with, isn't it.' I do not get played with, I've trained myself my whole life to make sure that would not happen again. 'But by all means, if you want to get in control again, go and do those scans.' At that point I grabbed his casted arm and twisted him down to the ground, placing a knee in the small of his back. _I was not having this anymore._

'Why is Chrollo off-limits.' When he started chuckling, I made sure to exert some extra pressure on the cast, cracking it halfway through. I also placed my knee a bit better against his spine. He likes pain, but he is sensitive about permanent damage. Threatening to do this will permanently scrap him off the list of allies. But he hasn't been one for a while either way, has he.

'Before you do anything rash, I suggest you talk with Killua-kun about missing memories.' The tone of his voice dropped, I could sense him becoming more dangerous. Nonetheless, I increased my grip on the cast even more and broke through it completely, grabbing the broken arm, safe from trigger now that I was in fighting mode,

'Why is Chrollo off-limits.' He flexed his hand a little, but he still didn't answer. So I decided to up the game. 'You of all people should be aware of what I'm capable of in this position. I do not consider you useful anymore. You know what this means, and I suggest you cooperate before I make sure you will live your life without a lower body.'

'You _really_ want to know now?'

'Am I not being clear enough?' He took a couple seconds of deliberation before he inhaled to finally give me an answer.

'Well, it's still a bit premature but-'

'Illumi!' I let go of his arm instantly when I heard Zeno's voice behind me, and Hisoka stopped talking. He must have been warned by one of the guards monitoring this. Timing couldn't have been worse.

'If you didn't want this to happen, you should have-'

'I'm not letting you tell me what I should or should not do. Get off of Hisoka.' I took my knee out of his back and stood up, watching the redhead bring himself back to his feet before turning around to Zeno. 'You will go inside and talk with Killua. You will not do a useless scan, and you will listen to what I ask of you, before I will use more forceful methods.' I gave him a long look of contemplation. By no means do I agree with being in this situation where I'm being danced around like a puppet instead of the other way around. However, Zeno – being one of the few – has the means to make it impossible for me to return to my old profession.

'… …'

'I will not hear any backtalk, go back inside.' When he noticed I still wanted to launch a protest, he interrupted before I could even start – and I swallowed my words. I couldn't ignore the serious intent in his eyes, and accepted the powerlessness at this point. Coming to this place has indeed given me the control over triggers which I'd sought, but the trade-off is becoming too big of a problem.

'…Alright.'

'You can go now, I will take care of Hisoka myself.' I nodded and passed him, only hearing one last thing from the redhead before the doors closed behind me.

'But I was making so much progress.' When I subtly glanced back around, I saw that he intended for me to hear it, but turned back when the gleeful look in his eyes was smacked out of him by Zeno. He'd been brimming with anger though.

_I should be gaining control now that memory's returning and there's medicine against the triggers. Why am I only losing it._

* * *

That redhead had actually just dialed the number and lay it on speaker on my shoulder and left. He just left. He'd looked way too happy not to have some kind of plan though. But hell, when _doesn't_ he. Now it's just hoping he actually called-

 _'Killua! What took you so long, it's been really boring here.'_ I hadn't actually been prepared for Gon picking up immediately, so I panicked a little when I heard his voice on the other side of the line.

'Ah, sorry about that, I've been busy.' I smiled nervously. Actually hearing his voice and imagining how it sounds are two really different things. 'I…' _I actually have good news for you… Go on and just fucking say it you fucking coward._ I took a really, really deep breath to accept he probably already forgot his angry outburst a couple days ago. Alright… 'I've convinced Illumi to do what you asked. Your family should be with you again in a couple of days.'

 _'Ah! Thank you Killua! That really means a lot to me.'_ I could actually _feel_ him smile from the other side of the line, and it lifted the corners of my own mouth a little too. I know, I fucking know how sick all of this is. I'm just sitting here, happily forgetting everything I've felt with the last call, just because he's happy, just because I've done as he asked… What if I hadn't been able to pull through?  
Yeah, I don't think I've really given up this friendship yet.

_'Things have gotten a little crazy, haven't they.'_

'A little?! I'm basically being reformed, and your whole family will soon be in the most secure location of this entire country. I don't think "a little" really cuts it, Gon!' I yelled into the phone, but all Gon could do was laugh about it.

 _'Yeah, well, guess you're right on that one. At least I'm still getting some schooling down here, I can still pass for this year, so make sure you're out of here in time as well, alright? Once all this is over, we better be in the same class. I'm working really hard for that.'_ Things got silent very quickly inside of me when I heard him say that. He's not even considering it, is he? He's more protective over his family than me, but he's not even thinking about cutting ties to save them.

Well, of course not. Ging has put that family in danger for a lot longer than this. Why would he do things differently now.

_But my family is a lot more dangerous than Ging's enemies Gon, this really can't go on._

'Ne, Gon.' _Well, aren't I good in dropping my own mood,_

_'Hm?'_

'You… you ever think about what would've happened if we'd never become friends?' My voice _must_ be trembling. I closed my eyes and focused a little on breathing.

 _'Doesn't make a difference to think about that, does it? I mean, we_ did, _so yeah.'_

'… …' Goddamnit Gon, _not_ exactly what I'd-

_'But the last two years wouldn't have been even half as much fun if you hadn't been there, Killua!'_

'Yeah, so much fun, being ordered to kill your dad.' I half muttered under my breath, thinking back to the moment where I got the order. It'd killed me inside, and I'd put up _some_ protest. But I really just accepted it, didn't I. Having your own will is irrelevant in our line of work.

But Gon caught the mutterings,

 _'Couldn't really have avoided that, could you?_ ' I could have, that's the point. Hisoka'd been right on that.

'I could've refused.' I answered in a very small voice,

 _'You're still hung up on that? I don't even want to think about how I would've found you if you had. Besides, if you would've refused, your parents would've done it themselves, and either dad or me would be dead now for sure.'_ Yes, yes you would be. _'So I don't know, I've had lots of fun these past two years, everyone will live, I think things are going pretty well.'_ You're in an underground facility for a year with no contact to the outside world but me. But hey, if you want to call that "pretty well". …All things considered though, it could've gone _a lot_ worse. So he's got a point there somewhere. _'Ne Killua, what's really going on?'_

'Hm? What're you talking about?'

 _'You sound different today. You sounded different last time to, what's the matter?'_ You sound exactly like every time you found out I had a wound somewhere. _Don't extend that to emotional wounds too, thank you very much. …_ So to avoid that, I just used sarcasm,

'Well I don't know, I'm here locked up for another 4,5 months with people I want to kill while being immobilized, I-'

_'You're immobilized?'_

'Didn't I tell you last time? Fight with Hisoka'd gone really, really bad.' I hadn't told him yet?

 _'You didn't! Aaah you should've just told me, I wouldn't have asked you to take care of my family you idiot!'_ I snapped a little when he called _me_ and idiot.

'Excuse you, but there wasn't much of a choice, was there?! Who the hell else was gonna take care of that!'

_'I know that! But you're always like that, you never even consider not doing something even if you can't!'_

'The hell kind of friend would I've been if I'd refused at that point?! I'd been _this_ close to just give up on your family, and I'm so fucking sorry for that, you can't even imagine!' I scared myself a little when I said it like that. I'd absolutely hated even thinking about doing it, I'd blamed Gon for asking this of me, and now I'm acting like I'm the only one at fault here..? _What the hell am I—_

_'Aah! Don't do that Killua!'_

'Do what?!' I was too caught up in the moment to stop now though,

_'Of course I didn't like it when I thought you wouldn't do that, but you're always just taking everything on yourself. Don't apologize for considering not doing it when you're immobilized you big idiot! Of course you'd have second thoughts then!' Stop calling me an idiot, idiot!_

'I shouldn't fucking have doubts in the first place!'

_'Can you stop doing this? It's really pissing me of!'_

'It's pissing _you_ of-!'

 _'Yeah it is! You always do this! You apologized all the time when your parents did something to you. Saying stuff like "I'm sorry I can't come to the pool" when you had a broken leg. Or "I can't make it walking to school with you" when you're basically missing half your blood. Or, I don't know, missing half your limbs or your head or something. Of course I expect you to do everything for my family that you'd do for me, you're basically a brother to me! But I really hate it when you apologize for actually feeling sorry about someone else when you should be thinking about yourself!'_ I stammered a little, I wanted to react to it and yell back at him, but I couldn't really find the words. I got so frustrated with that, that I started trampling my legs a little even though it hurt, _'You need to tell me this stuff Killua!'_

'Yeah, well, you need to stop being so fucking nice about all of this!' It was the best I could come up with, and it was really, really weak. I didn't even mean it.

 _'Well I'm not! You're my best friend Killua, and I—'_ After those words I couldn't take any of it anymore,

'Well we won't be for very long, 'cos we can't have contact anymore. Ever!'

 _'What do you mean by that?!'_ I could hear the anger in his voice, but it was so different than last time. Still my voice still faltered when I screamed the words at him.

'What I'm fucking saying is that I'm cutting ties with you because I'll never be able to protect you against my parents if they find out you're still alive!'

_'I can't believe you're actually saying this! I will break out of this place to kick your ass if you're-'_

'Not just Ging, Gon! Everyone would be dead! You'd all really be dead! I can't fucking guarantee your safety and I can't live with that, I _won't_ fucking live with that!' _I don't know how Kurapika does it, but I'm not putting myself through that hell!_ 'I just want you all to live a life without these fucking da-'

_'Don't you think that's our own choice?!'_

'Well Mito was pretty clear on her point of view, and she agrees with me, so-!'

 _'I don't care!'_ I was a little taken aback by those words,

'You don't care what your own fucking mother thinks of this?!'

 _'Mito doesn't even want to part with Ging on our behalf, so no I don't really care!'_ By now my eyes were wide open hearing all of this. You want Ging to live, but you still want him out of your life? _I really don't understand you!_ _'If you come to live with us after a while, Ging's enemies would just disappear because they don't want to mess with a Zoldyck. On top of that, if you just keep doing your work and prove that I'm not actually a weakness, I- AAH! I don't even know what the fucking problem is, Killua! Why are you saying all of this?!'_

'Because I don't fucking deserve all of this! I'm not worth anything, I don't even really know you-!'

 _'For someone who had all that mental training you're the biggest idiot I know! It's not just up to you to decide to just end this! You really think I'd just sit down and let you- Goddamnit, that's it, I'm coming over there to kick your ass!'_ My eyes went even wider with shock when I heard the phone actually being shut off. _Is there a panic button on this bed?!_

Gon _would_ be stupid enough to try and get over here. _If one of the main cameras even catches a glimpse of him, it's all over, there's more than the institution watching through that surveillance._

'Goddamn you idiot!' When I didn't see a panic button quickly enough, I decided to just move on my own. _Just my legs, my legs should be enough..!_

Someone needs to know to stop him!

As a last measure I tried calling him back, but there was no answer, he'd turned it off. _This is not gonna end well, is it._

'And you're calling _me_ the idiot, you moron?!' I screamed when I lifted my legs to shuffle them off the edge. I hadn't moved them in a week, but I just have to endure it. _An angry_ _Gon without supervision is_ not _something entirely undangerous!_


	43. Sunday 3rd part 3 - An honest heart as compass

The moment I'd felt like an idiot like Gon had called me, was the moment I attempted to crawl out the office into the hallway. But there had never been a more acceptable time to act like one. I'd tried standing on both my legs first, but they'd just started shaking and I fell down to my knees. My arms hadn't been able to catch the weight, so now I was just slowly shuffling out of the office like a moron. My limbs were hurting like mad, but I wasn't stopping until I'd reach the front desk to contact any of those three guys to stop Gon from ruining everything for himself. _You idiot, do you have_ any _idea how much trouble I went through to get you safe?!_

Luckily for my tendons though, I was found before I got anywhere.

Unluckily, it was Chrollo.

He stopped in front of me at the moment I'd just made it out of the office completely, and I sat back on my legs, looking up at him the best I could. _I don't think I like the superior look in your eyes._

'That's not good, you're not supposed to put this much strain on them immediately again.' I looked back down and gritted my teeth when pushing myself up off the ground again. _I will not look this pathetic in front of you._ Before I could do anything though, he walked to my side and knelt down to lift me off the ground completely, holding me bridal style, supposedly so my arms would be relieved of pressure the most. I blinked a couple of times when I realized how this had to look, and glared at the wall in front of me. My pride was rejecting all of this.

 _Nothing_ about this was going to reach the outside world, _ever._

'I'm going to be blamed if Illumi notices I walked by this, don't want that to happen, even though he told me not to touch you again. Should I just bring you to the infirmary, or are you going to tell me what created enough desperation for you to do this?' He looked down on me, I noticed he was, so I turned my glare from the wall up to his eyes. My shoulders weren't appreciating that though.

'Well I don't know, probably in a couple of minutes some idiot will break through and into this place, looking for me, breaking everything on his path, and fucking it up for others in hiding. Where do you think I should-' I stopped talking at the same time I noticed a dangerous presence approaching, and painfully turned my head to see Illumi slowly walking this way. _Well you're more dangerous than usual, what happened with you?_

'What are you doing Chrollo?' The amount of danger in this specific hallway was getting ridiculous, and I really didn't want to be in the middle of it, unable to move. I saw people behind Illumi even turning around to go a different way. _Jesus fucking Christ man, what actually happened before you left the room? Did you remember something? Was it something scary I haven't remembered yet?_

**_###_ **

'Killua had crawled out of his bed on his way to stop Gon from escaping. I thought I'd take care of him before he'd hurt himself too much.' I wasn't happy with the situation. By all means, I'd ordered Chrollo to refrain from touching Killua, but his explanation wasn't unreasonable. Still the first and only thing going through me was the same as before I left the boy – only this time the danger was for Chrollo, for Killua I was feeling a whole different unwanted thing.

'Acceptable, but I will take him from here.' Protectiveness. It seems that seventeen years of drilling it into me that I only needed the one outward bond, and needed to protect that, was still rooted inside of me. I thought I'd gotten rid of that when the boy disappeared from my life, but apparently as soon as Killua triggered remembrance from that time, it also triggered this.

It doesn't help that my basic instinct of walking away from this, is being caged, because Zeno will not let me off this case.

My actions now are still within reason, but if I allow these old workings to manifest, that will stop being the case. I will force Killua to tell me about his memories so I won't have to dig deeper myself. I will understand everything about this connection without touching on that old life.

'Where are you going to take me?' Killua backed off a little when I got close enough to take him from Chrollo.

'I'm taking you to Gon.' I looked up from Killua's shocked eyes, to Chrollo's inquisitive ones. 'Hisoka has told me of Gon's forcefulness. To prevent an uproar, easiest way is to let Killua go there.'

'Will Hisoka be taking care of surveillance again then?'

'Hisoka is no longer an ally, but he will still do this.' Up until now he's done the things I asked of him because it suited his purposes. These purposes haven't changed.

Chrollo looked pleased to hear this news.

'You're not hiding yourself as well since memory came back.' He smiled back at me,

'There's no need to anymore in front of you, is there?' He held Killua out some more, and this time he didn't put up a protest when being handed to me. He cringed a little from the strain, but that was it. I looked down at him,

'You've set yourself back a couple of days by doing this. I will make sure it doesn't get any worse than it is. You will have one hour with Gon. In that time I will take care of your shoulders so that your training can start again in three weeks.' Training is so that he'll feel strong enough to stand up for himself and not become an unguided missile. That's what my logic dictates, but at the moment I was too busy ignoring my upbringing, and the old thought crossed my mind that he didn't have to train if I'd be there. Bundled with the frustration of being manipulated by someone that had cleverly abused her talent in my youth, it was hard to keep focused on that initial goal. Normally I'd be able to push anything away well enough; not being able to do that completely, was making me uncomfortable in an already unstable situation.

Killua was noticing, he was giving me a strange look again, but it was Chrollo who spoke up first.

'Once he returns, I will ask Machi to keep an eye on him, that he won't do this again.' I nodded at him, and he lazily lifted his hand in goodbye when turning around and walking away.

'What the hell is wrong with you?' I was slightly surprised by Killua's question, but ignored it and turned around to go to solitary. That Hisoka would take care of surveillance was still a gamble, but seeing as these actions mean getting closer to Killua, there is very little chance he won't do it. Chrollo allowing this is only because he knows disobeying will destabilize his position with me. 'I should be the one feeling fucked up, shouldn't I? I mean you don't remember anything, do you?' He sighed deeply when I didn't answer that one either, 'You're sure you don't have a twin brother you forgot about either, 'cos I'm pretty sure I'm remembering things wrong if it was you in that room.' He felt more certain in his words. That could be caused only by a couple of things. The most prominent cause was one I wanted to dismiss; it would mean that he felt he was in the stronger position at the moment. Although that was the case, I will not let it be for long. Another cause could be him feeling more individuality after apparently back talking to Gon. Either way, he seems in no way disturbed by remembering the time in captivity.

'You're okay with remembering our time in that room because that person and I are nothing alike.' We got some attention on the way to solitary, but nothing more than a couple of glances.

'Are you the same?'

'Yes.'

'But you only have a vague notion of what happened, don't you. Might as well be that you're just remembering what someone told you.'

'I remember the confrontation with Yellmi well enough. It's only the time with you that's a blur.'

'Hmph.' He kept quiet after that until we entered solitary. I wouldn't have this unwanted feeling of protection if I hadn't been in that room with him. A feeling I will get rid of once we start sessions again. 'You want me to tell you about it then?'

'You're saying this because you get the notion you have no other choice?'

'I'm saying this because you're the only one actually willing to stick his neck out for me, and you look weak as hell. I can't have that.' I stopped walking after entering solitary. The talks with both Kurapika and Gon had done him good, it seems. He either feels confident enough to speak his mind, or he is attempting to manipulate me and his acting skills have risen in level.

'What gives you the idea I'm weak?'

'Hisoka's no longer an ally, and you're feeling unsure for one reason or the other, so, I don't know, you wanna talk about it?' The last part came out of his mouth with a large amount of sarcasm, and he was doing a bad job at hiding his amusement. Speaking his mind it is, then. However, I will not let him call me that. He's forgetting his position in this situation.

'You're about to see Gon for the first time since I killed him, and you're doing so because you angered him. You're using me as a distraction, and very ineffectively. You sound more certain, but you're still shaking.'

'That's just because of my injuries!' He snapped back at me,

'I can tell the difference.' Mah, at least he's showing individuality. Even though that will probably be gone again after confrontation with Gon. As long as he gains it in the long run though, it is useful. The chance of Killua becoming a future enemy is nihil – even if just because Silva approves of me – it's of no consequence if he gains an identity while here.

'… Are we almost there yet?' He opted not to continue the conversation,

'It's through here. It seems Gon hasn't succeeded in anything yet.'

**###**

I hadn't expected differently in five minutes. What I _had_ expected differently was about everything that was happening right now. _There was a severely pissed off Gon behind that door._ Even though he won't attack me when I'm like this, it still scares me thinking back on the time he overpowered me. _I've had inhuman training from birth, what's your fucking excuse for being able to push me down like that?!_

I turned my eyes up to Illumi's stoic face when thinking about the other anomaly. That facehadn't cracked. What _had_ cracked was about everything he was exuding. _I don't know what kind of traumatic thought set that off with you, but you're gonna need to man up if Hisoka's not your ally anymore._ You're about the only line of defense I have against him and the other psychos. You better not break down right now.

I looked back out in front of me when we reached a final door through a hidden entrance, and Illumi had to engage a shitload of security of measurements before we were allowed through the vault-like door. Opening it, we went through a small corridor leading to one of another couple of doors. Well I guess having different segments makes sense, doesn't it.

When we finally stepped through the second door though, I didn't exactly know what I'd expected, but this place was a whole lot bigger than my mind had imagined. _How did you guys ever get the funding for this?_ Zeno must be a wizard with money, 'cos not even us could afford to have something like this built. It's an entire fucking village, just with a concrete ceiling simulating sunlight and a sky instead of the real thing. _This is unreal, how much influence do you guys actually have throughout the country?!_ I can't say that that thought scared me a little.

'Ah, I thought Gon would've been at the door already, apparently-' Yeah, I'd expected him to be here already as well, but our expectations were met a second later when a mass of green anger sprinted towards us, and Illumi stepped aside when he was about to leap on us. He skidded and landed a couple of feet behind us, raising his fist, ready to try and pounce us again.

'Let go of him!' He shouted at Illumi, and had me flabbergasted for a second that that was the first thing to exit his throat. _I thought you wanted to escape, why in the hell are you attacking Illumi?_

'If you'll take him from me, but he won't walk on his own.' When hearing Illumi's serious response to that, something snapped inside of me, and I started laughing out loud. _Gon can't control himself when he has to protect someone, does he. That fucking idiot thinks I'm in danger._ Slowly the laughing swelled on, and I saw Gon relaxing some more, giving me a questioning look.

'Killua…' When I heard him saying my name so concerned, I started to let the laughing die down.

'I-I'm sorry dude, but I'm not a damsel in distress.'

'You sure?' He asked anyway. I pointed my thumb at Illumi,

'Yeah I'm fucking sure, he just brought me here so you wouldn't break through or cause a ruckus here. Which you were totally planning on doing.' Gon accepted the explanation when he saw I meant it. 'Just hang me over his back.' Without question, Illumi did as I asked. _Holy crap, he just followed through on an order from me._ 'It's been a while since you've had to carry me, isn't it.' My arms were hung over his shoulders, and carefully Gon lifted my legs to make sure I'd stay on there. I lay my head next to his, and smiled while taking a deep breath. _I really missed this._ Somehow I momentarily forgot everything for a couple of seconds, and it felt really peaceful.

'You weren't kidding when you said you were immobilized, were you.' Kindness was returning to his voice. _Yes, this is a whole lot more important to me than talking with Kurapika._

'First you accuse me of never saying I'm injured, then you accuse me of exaggerating? Make up your mind, idiot.'

'Not fair! I haven't seen you in a couple of weeks, I didn't know anything about where you were.' Gon slowly lead the way to where he was staying, but we stayed "outside" in a small garden instead. There weren't a whole lot of people out here, so attention on us was low. 'Do you feel better sitting or-'

'Just sit me up against the fence, I'm not talking to you while lying down idiot.'

'Aah, stop calling me an idiot, I'm just worried!'

'Yeah, and five minutes ago you were angry as hell!'

'Can you blame me?! I'm stuck down here for a long time, and you're just deciding our friendship is over! You really think I'd just take that?'

'But do you understand just how much danger you'd be in?' When he wanted to sit me down against the fence, Illumi objected, and instead I was placed in such a way that he could work on my tendons a little. _He said he'd do it, but I didn't think he actually would. There's something seriously wrong with you now._ I glanced behind me while Gon walked back around me.

Illumi never accepted the connection – hell, I don't want it to exist either – and made sure to avoid doing anything other than purely needed. This was not one of those things that was needed. Is that confusion I'm feeling from him because he's conflicted with some kind of instinct he's fighting? Is he being forced to have contact with me? Because this is awkward, and most of all because this behavior is getting uncomfortably close to what I remember about him.

'Of course I know how much danger I'd be in, I've been friends with you for two years, I know what kind of family you come from even with you not being able to talk about it.' Attention went back to Gon when he sat down in front of me and folded his legs. He looked about as carefree as he always looked. _How are you and the voice on the phone last Thursday even the same?_

'I can't guarantee any of you guys' safety when I'd have contact with you again, Gon. Your family would be in constant danger, don't you think you've suffered that long enough because of your dad?'

'It's alright.'

'Excuse you?' I raised an eyebrow when he said that. _Excuse the hell out of you, this is not a game!_

'Yeah, it's alright.' I frowned at him,

'I need a little more explanation than that, you moron.' His cheery attitude didn't change for a second. I flinched a little when the pressure Illumi was exuding shot through me. Taking note of that though, he changed locations for now. _This is getting really uncomfortable. Who are you?_

'It's simple, isn't it? While you're getting strong enough to prove I'm not a weakness, I'll get strong enough to make sure dad won't contact us again. Once we've done that, your family won't have a reason anymore to kill us, and the threat won't exist anymore.' My face didn't exactly know what kind of expression to make with this "plan" Gon had thought of. If my family wants to accept this friendship, I'll have to be strong enough to practically become the head of our family. That's a shitload of training, but basically it could be done – just as long as they feel I won't abandon the family business it's alright for them, isn't it.

It's not even that bad of an idea, but the only real problem lays in having affiliation with Gon, means my enemies become his - and that's not a small problem. _I've been hanging around these shrinks too much, I never even thought of doing something as simple as this._ No matter what you're doing now, you're all still manipulative bastards in my eyes.

'What would we do about my enemies becoming yours? 'Cos we're not exactly loved in the underworld, and when I associate with you, that'll be inevitable.' I flinched halfway the sentence when Illumi was being too rough again, but I didn't let it interrupt this talk with Gon. About a thousand emotions at once were going through me just seeing him again, and if I wouldn't focus on practical stuff, I don't know what would happen.

'It's simple, isn't it?' Even Illumi stopped a second when Gon paused, thinking I'd just realize myself, apparently. When I didn't respond, he continued, 'Either you come live with us, or we're gonna live with you. 'Cos nobody ever attacks your home, right?' I squinted my eyes at him, and couldn't believe what I just heard. _You have got to be…_

Alright, calm down, just explain…

I took a small breath,

'That's because they know they can't kill either of us, if I'd live with you that wouldn't be the case.' I half muttered. Because mom and dad accepting the Freeccs into our house was not happening in a million years, let's just ignore that right away.

'Well then, you just build a reputation that'll make 'em too scared to even touch anyone close to you. That's doable, isn't it?' I immediately regretted sighing deeply and hanging my head when I felt the sting.

'Control your movements.' I heard from behind me. _It's not like I'm doing this for the heck of it, Illumi._

'Yeah, alright.' I answered before giving attention back to Gon. _You're saying all of this like it's the easiest thing in the world,_ 'Gon, that's a nearly impossible task. Even if I'd succeed, do you have _any_ idea how much work that would be?' _Would the pay-off be worth it?_ I shocked myself when the thought involuntarily crossed my mind, but it didn't falter my speech, 'That'd be a night and day job for maybe five years.' _Are you really asking this of me? Are you really that selfish, or does this friendship really mean that much to you?_

'Well that's true.' For the first time he seemed to hesitate. _Please just come up with something that won't push me so far._

'On top of that, I really, really don't want to take over the family business at 19.' I threw something selfish back at him while we were at it, but truth was, that the feeling of terror was pushing the rest of the emotions to the back. Right in front of me was the one person that'd been the light in my life and actually brought light there in the first place. _Were you always like this? Or are you just like this now because you're pushed into a corner?_ I really want to rewind. I don't want to ask myself these questions, I just want to keep making memories like we did before.

But that's impossible, isn't it?

Even if we'd be able to remain friends, nothing will ever be the same again, not after all that's already happened.

That hurt.

'Don't raise your arm.' I got commanded, and my arm was pushed back down from its trajectory to my eyes. For a second I hadn't felt anything when doing that. I felt emotion pricking just beneath the surface, but I needed to hold that back to keep thinking clearly about this.

'What do you want to do then?' _What I want is unreachable._ Heavy feelings were flooding back, hearing that question.

'I don't know.' Volume in my voice lowered considerably.

'Then just find out in those five years, and we'll see about that afterwards. Any plan is fine by me as long as we're safe from enemies.' He smiled the biggest smile after that, as if he'd just given me the greatest gift in existence. But this just makes everything that much heavier. I know nothing worth having is given for free, but am I really willing to do all of this just for a friendship that feels shaky at best right now?

Of course, Gon is giving up a whole lot of convenience for him as well if he does this. It'd just be easier for him to let me go, but he's not.

I closed my eyes and took a deep, deep breath. _He really is just as desperate for contact as I am, isn't he._ Illumi probably had been right when he said Gon isn't exactly a shining example of social I just be the bigger person here and call it off then? Maybe it would be healthier for both of us to call it a day.

'Killua…?' I answered when I heard the worry in his voice. _I must look like I feel like a million bucks right now._

'I don't know if I can do it, so I won't promise anything. I will just try my best in getting strong enough to make sure my family won't harm yours again, but that's about all I can say at this point. You'll be safer without contact with me.'

'Don't worry about that, you're worth the risk.' When he actually laughed after saying that without second thought, something snapped inside of me, and I raised my hand to slap him in the face.

' _Think about your family as well you selfish ass!' Why am I the only one actually minding that?!_ My arm got pushed down forcefully again after my action, but reaction from Gon was delayed. His head stayed turned the way I slapped it to, and silence was rising. Illumi's movements even slowed down,

'Ne, why didn't _you_?' _So this is what cardiac arrest feels like._ When he turned back, the look in his eyes was inhuman, I wish he'd just kept looking to the side. 'I know you would've been severely punished, but at least things would be better now. Or maybe you should have just taken the opportunity and killed my dad. I wouldn't have known it was you, would I?' I felt frozen in my place for about a second when he exclaimed those words. That he actually said the same things Hisoka'd said shocked me, but most of all they made me even more damn pissed off when thinking about when that psycho had done all of that to me, and I smacked his head with all the force I could muster the other way.

'You goddamn bastard!' I started screaming at him, but he didn't look back up at me. 'Do you have _any_ idea what I went through just because I was ordered to do this?! Do you have any clue how much I've regretted actually skipping on training to be with you, 'cos if I hadn't my parents wouldn't even have seen you as a threat! I regret so damn much about this entire situation, and I've pushed myself so hard to make it all better for you because it's my goddamn fault! And then you call me saying I should have just spoken up, and now you're taking those words back again?! How fucking dare you put your family in this kind of risk?! How fucking _dare_ you ask me to do all this work just so you can live in even more fear! I don't need family like that!' Illumi had stopped his treatment, and resorted to holding me back from jumping on top of Gon and beating some sense into him. 'Do you have any idea how much it hurts for me to admit that?! You are the only friend I've ever had, and you're like a brother to me too, and I want this all to work out, but I can't Gon! Nothing will ever be the same!' When I didn't know what to say anymore, I slumped back, and Illumi stopped holding me back. He just continued doing what he was doing before as if nothing happened. I wanted to hang my head, but stopped when I even moved it an inch. I've strained everything too much, haven't I…

'I know that.' Gon turned his head back to me. 'But I just want to stay friends, I don't want it to be so hard.' All the malice had disappeared in an instant, and some tension made place for shivering. I shook my head once before turning my eyes down. _Why is any of this happening…_

'Well, it is.' _And I don't know if I can keep doing it._

'Every day is already dangerous for us. If I can get mom to part with dad, that'll go away. I can do that on my own. If you got help with training or reputation, would it be doable?' I took another deep breath when thinking about the guy behind me, but he didn't respond to anything. I can't do this right now, I…

Why is it even still an option?

'You should just stop affiliating with me, your family will be much safer, and it would save all the trouble.' I finally said, but Gon still wouldn't hear it.

'We'll figure something out.' _Easier said than done._ You're an idiot with whacked up priorities, and you always have been, haven't you. You're selfish, you're a bastard, strangely considerate when I'm injured, freakishly strong… but I have so much fun with you, I can forget my worries, and before we started talking I felt the reason why I wanted this to keep existing. _You're different somehow._ You're far from perfect, but somehow you matter, don't you. I don't even know why anymore. 'Should I help with that?' He turned to Illumi, but the man declined immediately. _Of course you can't, you have zero experience with this, you're not gonna make it worse than I've already done._

'Don't worry, he knows what he's doing.'

'Well, at least you're a lot more comfortable around him after having had sex with him, that should make things easier, shouldn't it.' I wanted to punch that stupid grin from his face when I noticed he was provoking on purpose, but stopped myself in time.

'You keep saying not to call you an idiot, but you're goddamn asking for it.' I raised my voice a little, but all Gon could do was laugh about the redness in my face. 'I'm only more comfortable because he's in the same boat I am.' I surprised myself a little with that conclusion, but it wasn't far from the truth, was it. Things escalated with Hisoka, and he's no longer an ally. Hisoka answers to Zeno, so that's not going well, Chrollo is still over-possessive, _you have no-one left, do you?_

Well, how does that feel, Mr. psychologist, being toyed with?

Wait no, no no no.

…Goddamnit, I hate it when I accidentally admit something. Is Illumi even still an enemy? He's not, is he. He hasn't done anything against me for weeks. _You_ did _bring me to this brink though, still not really appreciating that._

'Doesn't matter why. I'll have my family here, and you'll have that Kurapika guy and Illumi, we'll get through this.' _Doesn't matter why?_ I snorted hearing him say that. You never think anything through, do you.

'You're a hopeless optimist.' I scolded him, and he reacted back insulted.

In the end, Illumi held true to his word, for one full hour I had contact with Gon again, and it had been unlike any of our contact before. I don't know where things'll go from here, but Gon has unintentionally given me some freedom, and it makes things that much lighter to me. I'll make sure my family will get off his back, we'll see what happens after when the time comes.

Is this possible? I don't even know if our friendship can continue, Gon annoys me with his selfish simple-mindedness, but somehow it feels good just trying for it. I'm sure things'll be worse again tomorrow, but today, just today, everything felt a little bit better.

At the end of the hour, my shoulders actually did feel better for the moment, and I was taken back up to solitary. Before entering that place again, I wanted to speak up and actually thank Illumi for all of this even though it'd been done out of logic. _I don't really care right now, I just want to believe in a positive future as much as Gon does._

But Illumi beat me to it.

'I am reinstating Chrollo as your head psychologist.'

_'Excuse you?!'_


	44. Saturday 23rd - A white little creature purring me

In my situation, that had been the only freedom I could take. I couldn't leave the institution, I couldn't remove myself from the case, I couldn't simply kill the source of uneasiness; because if I'd do any of this, I know Zeno has the sources to make sure I will stay in this place forever. I don't understand why he's equally obsessed with pushing Killua on me as Hisoka is, and at the same time is making sure I keep cooperating with Chrollo. It makes no sense. I am not becoming a better psychologist because of any of it, and both co-workers and patients are endangered and hurt.

_What am I overlooking?_

But almost three weeks have passed since then, and from the moment Killua noticed that Chrollo actually had been reinstated, he'd refused to talk about his memories. It was a trade-off, and perhaps the best solution. With the distance now being created, he can simply focus on Kurapika and Gon, and our connection can be ignored. Once training starts again tonight, everything will have quieted down.

I still feel this annoying protection now and again, but I'm starting to become able in ignoring it - knowing that actual danger is not happening for Killua - and I will just walk away from it as soon as his case is done.

Chrollo seems utterly pleased with this turn of events. Although I'm still not his possession and I've made this very clear, he doesn't seem to care about it and hasn't shown his true face anymore.

Hisoka and Zeno are not necessarily displeased with any of these events, but the first is simply bored with the current situation. I can imagine he is. Contact with Killua has stagnated, and I've successfully recreated the drug which suppresses my triggers. There's not a whole lot for him to play with. Perhaps Zeno has pulled him away a little as well.

Silva had been easiest to convince that this was the best course of action. The less contact I had with Killua, the less the chance Chrollo would perceive him as a threat, and he would leave him alone.

The one most displeased with the situation, seems to be Killua; even though Chrollo had done as promised, and delivered Gon's parents in one piece. There was very little attention for the disappearances, and Ging is kept in a different place. It was a job well done, and he'd appreciated the compensation for it. The call Killua had with his friend after everything had been settled, had even seemingly relaxed him. He was looking displeased, but more relaxed. Apparently he'd found some kind of closure to his insecurities with Gon. He's on a path of stepping out of his role of the victim. Hope has apparently done this for him.

That was both desirable and undesirable at the same time.

Killua has been bold from the start, and that hasn't changed. So if he suddenly decides his focus shifts from getting stronger back to bothering Chrollo, we will have a problem. Training is one way to keep his mind on his current focus, and it's become a main reason to take this time for him.

Machi had done a good job in making sure Killua would be strong enough again for light training.

'Lights off?' I gave Chrollo a short nod before starting to tie my hair back to go to sleep. Now that things with Killua have calmed down, I had the time to go back home now and again. This was favorable, because I was planning on another Breaker job. The second Chrollo learned of this, he'd invited himself into my house until he's found a place of his own again. Although possessive, I don't really care about where he sleeps, and he stays out of my business when I ask him to. He's become very obedient now that he apparently got what he wanted.

Of course I am aware that giving my permission technically puts me on the same list as Machi - and perhaps Kurapika again in the future; he is too comfortable around him to purely hate him.

Although I don't like being on that list, I am not infatuated with Chrollo like they are or were. Without Killua clouding my judgment, I will notice when I'm being manipulated into becoming that.

Chrollo walked around the bed and shuffled under his blankets before I lay down as well. Seeing as he's executed the assignment for Gon's family perfectly, I will use him in an actual Breaker's job to see if cooperation is still as smooth as it used to be.

'I will need that body in two days.'

'Not a problem.' In two months, I hadn't felt this in control. But Hisoka ignoring me is never a good prelude to anything. Especially when he looks bored.

* * *

I couldn't really believe any of these happenings. Chrollo, Hisoka and my dad leaving me alone, Gon with his family again, and Zeno keeping true to his promise by letting me go out alone with Kurapika. I don't know what his real reason is for allowing this, but I'm not jinxing that. Right now I'm out of that depressing place, and walking in the bright winter sun without any shrink following, enjoying some actual freedom. I closed my eyes and took another deep breath of fresh air just because I felt like it. I feel a little bad for Gon not being allowed to do this, but the thought that his entire family is with him again, makes it alright enough.

'It's really incredible that you can walk without problem again, Machi has done an amazing job.' Kurapika seemed different as well, he was about the only one looking more tense. Can imagine why though, progress is not exactly favorable for him, even though his focus is more on me than Chrollo right now. Either way, I'm not ever letting up on going after Chrollo when I have the means, so he shouldn't be so worried. By now I'm almost itching to do that. It's nice to have all this peace and quiet, but I feel like it's going to dull me if it goes on for too long.

'You're really that impressed? I've recovered more quickly before.' _Not exactly from injuries like this, but still._ I lifted my hand and turned my wrist back and forth. Training tonight was probably not even gonna get me out of breath, but at least it's something. Maybe we can train impact.

'How's your other wrist?' My other wrist was the one that actually had the torn tendon, I still needed to keep that still. I held it up in between us, evading some passers-by in the process.

'This one's gonna take a while, not even _my_ body can heal it that fast. Do you have some kind of miracle treatment for it?' He started laughing a little before stopping us in a calmer part of the street.

'Well, I picked up one or two things. Let's step aside right now.' Last week we were also allowed to go out, but I would have had to do that in a wheelchair, and my stupid pride wouldn't have it. Kurapika had actually become more insistent in keeping contact over the phone, by the way. Although all this contact was a bit forced on me, actually having someone worry about me, it didn't feel wrong. I've been taught to take care of everything on my own, but having a voluntary safety net is something I can accept by now. Gon's worry is way different than Kurapika's, by the way. We just push each other to solve it on our own, don't we. 'Give me your hand. I know of a couple of things that could help speed recovery, so just look at what I do and ask Machi to do the same.' Everything's been coming along just fine, but Illumi since visiting Gon was a different story in its own…

'How did training go in your family by the way? How did you learn all of this medical stuff?' While unwrapping my hand, I pocketed the other. It's so fucking clear that Illumi can't handle whatever he remembered or felt that day. Somewhere it was strange, because I thought that _I'd_ be the one freaking out. Although everything I experienced there had been beyond intense, I don't actually seem to care all that much, and it wasn't that hard to give it a place. It's awkward at best. I've been in intense situations before, the only difference that time was another person being with me, and the duration. Plus Illumi was right, the person in front of me now is not the same as the person back then. Kind of hard being bothered by him with that being the case.

The only thing that _did_ bother me, was remembering how desperate I'd been for contact. _I'd curled up inside his arms, that kind of neediness sends shivers down my spine._

But you know, even though there's some kind of hope for a non-doomed future, I'm still kind of numb from everything; the only thing I've done is calm down, basically. And somewhere along the way of that, I've stopped hating Illumi. Well, I _am_ pissed off that he's apparently cracked and dropped me just like that, but that's about it. That dude's not gonna hear about anything I remember 'till he actually gets his act back together.

'Something wrong?' I relaxed my face again when I noticed the tension in it.

'Ah, no, it's nothing.'

'What were you thinking about?' I took the bandages from him while he still carefully supported my hand and lower arm. He lay his fingers on it sideways, and trailed from halfway my lower arm to the base of my fingers. He barely exuded pressure.

'Mah, the usual, just being annoyed with Illumi again.' I sighed the words,

'Well, just being annoyed with him is a whole lot better than when I first met you. Don't hesitate to speak up about any of those psychologists when you feel like it, you know how much I like them as well.' I snorted when he said that. 'I know you're feeling better because there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but keep remembering that you don't have to do everything alone, alright?' I'm starting to learn how to discern honesty from empty promise, but Kurapika really does seem willing. I still don't understand how he can be so open with what's been done to him.

'You're too nice for everything's that's happened to you.' I kind of blurted that out while I was taking note of the pressure points and technique he was using.

'Just relax your fingers, let them react how they want… And thank you, it means a lot to hear that. ' He smiled up at me a second. _Someone like you shouldn't be chasing someone like Chrollo._

'No really, you actually don't want to do the same to Chrollo like he's done to you, do you.' It's obvious he prefers doing stuff like this above planning a torture. Kurapika's not a killer.

'No I don't.' Didn't take much to admit that. 'But I feel like I'll stop living if I simply accept what he's done. That's why I've been pushing myself.'

'Mah, I don't have anything against your company, so don't push yourself too hard.' I half muttered the words, a little embarrassed about actually saying it out loud. Before he could react to it, I covered it up, 'If you want me to finish it for you, I don't mind. You only have to hire me.' He stopped completely for a second, but I couldn't look back up at him. _Can I make it anymore painfully obvious I don't know how to deal with this kind of attention?_

'Thank you, that means a lot to me as well. Seeing as I know him better, I think it's best if the plan comes from me, though.'

'That's alright, I can work like that.' My eyes were staying fixed on my hand.

'I want to say that I don't want a kid doing something like that, but you've done plenty before, haven't you. So I'm going to accept your kindness. I'll be sure to save up for the price of hiring you.' I cringed and ducked my head in a little when his free hand made it to the top of my head again. _What is your fucking obsession with doing that._ 'But to answer your question about my medical skills; they're actually far from completely trained. I lost my mentor when I was 17, I never finished, so I'm just learning from our research. I plan on doing regular medical training once all of this is over.' When Illumi was 17, he was already a full-fledged Breaker; I'm 14 and will be a professional at 15; _I think I like the pace of your training a lot more._

'Don't worry, I only failed on a job once, I'll make sure Chrollo won't make it.' I spoke up more resolute. _You're trying to protect me, but you need it more than I do._ Killing someone breaks someone like you, I've seen it before, you deserve better than that. He took his hand from my head again to continue his small treatment. We stepped a little out of the way of someone who deemed it necessary _not_ to use the clear part of the sidewalk. I sneered at him and he quickened his pace. _That's right, run you pansy,_

'Seems like you found a place inside yourself to deal with what's happening, that's good to hear. I really hated seeing you in that bed.' I turned back to look at the one treating me,

'Really? I'd think talking with the one who did the experiments would be harder.'

'Ah, it was Illumi who did that?'

'You didn't know?' Kurapika stopped what he was doing when he noticed tension in my hand returning. 'No, I didn't.' _He actually didn't._ This didn't make sense. He just found out this very second that he'd been talking to the guy who'd experimented on his family, and _this_ is how he reacts?! I heard him sigh, and he held out his hand when I looked up at him. Without second thought, I returned the bandage to him.

'You are _not_ this numb, and you wouldn't lie about knowing or not knowing, what are you not saying?' It took him a while before he was able to look back. Instead just focusing on wrapping my wrist again. 'I saw your reaction to the box when I showed it to you, how is _that_ able to get you crying on your knees, but not finding out that you've been talking to one of the people who-' But it was consistent, wasn't it? He'd barely reacted to Chrollo as well. _You don't have it repressed that far, you still reacted to the box, what in the hell is going on here?_

'I'm sorry.' _I'm sorry, my ass._ Do you really have that much trouble with killing that you don't even care anymore what happens to Chrollo? _But you_ do _care_. Kurapika was outraged when he was forced to talk about any of it. Neither the presence of Illumi or Chrollo does anything to him, but talking about or remembering the event triggers him. It's like neither Chrollo or Illumi actually have anything to do with it, or he's actually working _with_ them-

I pulled my hand away instantly when that thought crossed my mind. _Would he work_ with _them?!_ He's haunted by his past…. Could it be that neither Chrollo or Illumi have anything to do with it, and he's working with them to catch whomever did? _Did you order them to murder your clan yourself and are you just toying with me?!_ But if it's all been acting up until now, then he wouldn't have made the mistake of not reacting to their presence, would he? _I need to talk to dad again…_

'I really am sorry. I don't want to raise any suspicions with you, but I can't tell you the truth either, you're not ready.' _I'm not fucking ready?!_ I glared at him, and decided to finish the bandaging myself. 'I have no ill will towards you, if that's what you're worrying about.' _Well, I'm worrying about a lot of things right now…_ 'If you want, I'm sure you have information networks to eliminate insecurities. Whether you believe it or not, my apathy towards both of them doesn't mean I like them. All I can ask you is not to lose contact with Illumi, so either one of you can regain full memory.'

'… …' I stopped bandaging a second. All I cando is keep a look out, can't I. If he's on the level where I'm currently speculating he is, he could also fool Zeno and there's no use in worrying about it. Besides, my hand does feel better. I sighed a little while looking at him, and lent him my hand again. A smile returned to his face. _I know I need to watch my back and keep watch of everyone's motivations, but I need to learn to trust my instinct more._ 'Why am I "not ready to hear this yet" when it's concerning _your_ apathy. Why do I need full memory to understand?'

'Because unfortunately you're part of the story, and you have to remember by yourself. You have the information, but it won't do you any good if I just tell you.'

'You're saying you know I'm not remembering everything that's happened back then?'

'I'd have noticed if you'd remembered.'

'That big of an impact huh.'

'Yes it is.'

'And you said I need to get close to Illumi again?' I wasn't exactly feeling like going through all that again, not even to understand the situation completely. I can't say I'm not comfortable where I am right now, and even though I'm itching to do something again, I need more motivation if I'm going to get in harm's way of Chrollo again.

'You said he ran away last time because you remembered, right?'

'Yeah, he says he doesn't remember anything specifically and is demanding I tell him.' Getting damn annoying by now. _You fucking dropped me, I ain't telling you anything._

'Emotional remembrance is even more dependent on confrontation with old situations than literal remembrance is. So apparently you behaved like you did in captivity for a couple of seconds back then. Not strange if you were remembering yourself. Easiest way to get closer to him again, is to simulate a situation like that. At this point he's vulnerable for this, it should work. Can you do that?' It's not a matter of "can" it's a matter of "will". I looked at him a little longer and got my hand back. There wasn't a whole lot to be read from his face at this point, he was just waiting and calculating. So I raised my voice and asked the most prominent question,

'Why would I put myself in between Illumi and Chrollo again, why would I possibly do that?'

'Because getting close to Illumi is the first step to killing Chrollo.' For a second my brows drew closer together. _Because I'd then be close to him and could get information?_ It wasn't because of that, was it. Logically it could be the reason, because Kurapika's never come close to either the real Chrollo or Illumi, but somehow it didn't feel like that was the intention. He would just tell me if it was a simple reason like that. _What am I missing?_ 'If you want another hint for motivation, the clue to figuring out what's going on, what any of us are playing at, lies in the reason why Chrollo is possessive.' _But you know that already, why do_ I _need to find out?_ Why would me finding out on my own be different? Why am I the center of all of this? I squinted a little at him, taking in the new information and processing it the best I could. If I'm the center, and me finding out why Chrollo's possessive makes the difference in taking out Chrollo… what does it mean..? Is it a clue to how to come in between Illumi and Chrollo?

_Wait!_

If me getting closer to Illumi is the first step to killing Chrollo, then what the hell are Hisoka and Zeno playing at? All they've done up until now is promote this pair-up in one way or the other. Hell, why does even my dad support this as well? Both Chrollo and Illumi have even been forced to stay on this case. _What the hell is even going on?! And how does your apathy even connect to any of this?!_

'Don't worry, I'm not asking you to have sex with him this time either.'

'That never happened!' I closed my eyes and raised my voice again when he mentioned it, and he started laughing. I turned on my heel and got back on my way after that. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind, there'd been no sex in my memory. _I was ten, I would be even more weirded out if it_ had _happened back then._ 'But getting close again, right? I don't actually feel like changing the situation right now, is it really so important I find out all of this to take out Chrollo.'

'It's your only chance.' I turned to walk backwards out in front of him and looked him in the eyes. My gut is saying he's not lying.

But there are two very contradicting things going on right now; one is that the connection between me and Illumi is promoted when it's the key to killing Chrollo; two is that Chrollo is forcefully being bound to Illumi. All that this situation can do is escalate things for Chrollo, and lead to his death. Well obviously Zeno doesn't like him then, if he's off-limits for everyone else.

_Then did you hire him as to contain him? To wait for the opportunity to take him out? Chrollo would simply accept if he'd have the chance to get Illumi back again, wouldn't he._

That could… actually make sense..? Because obviously dad doesn't like Chrollo either. So everyone – but Machi, and at the moment Illumi – just wants Chrollo dead?

I started to feel confidence flowing back, and a grin formed on my face when I realized that this could actually be the truth behind it all. Well, if all I have to do to kill Chrollo is get close to Illumi again, that's fine with me. I can't believe I'm actually looking forward to action after having just had three weeks of peace and quiet, but I actually am. Being in that comfort zone was nice, but taking the risk to do something I really want to do, feels a whole of a lot better, doesn't it. Even though half under order, I'm finally gonna do something _I want_ to do.

_You almost ruined everything for Gon, and me as well. I'm not objecting in the least to playing along in this game, if your death is the end goal, Chrollo._

* * *

'It's not time yet, are you going to demand sex again?'

'Goddamnit, no of course not!' He yelled back at me insulted when he closed the door behind him. I'd felt Killua's serious intent from the moment he turned the last corner to my office, and he'd let himself in after a short knock. After almost three weeks of quiet discontentment with me, apparently the conversation with Kurapika changed something for him today.

'Then what is it?' I didn't stop working for a second. Next to catching up on some work, I'm preparing for the job two days from now. I haven't had a single second of free time from the moment I woke up. I have to say that it's a satisfying feeling. So Killua prematurely interrupting wasn't acceptable. 'We can start the training right now, or you're going to leave me alone.'

'I want you to take over from Machi with physical therapy.' He took slow steps closer, stopping right in front of my desk, looking slightly down at me.

'Machi is more qualified to do this, or do you have complaints about her.'

'Kurapika showed a technique that could help more than what Machi does. I'd rather you do it.'

'Kurapika is still working on making sure you're going to drive Chrollo off, and apparently everyone is doing so. By asking you to come in between us, he's forcing you to put yourself in harm's way again. Why are you accepting this?'

'Because…' He took a deep breath and sighed. 'You know what, forget it. Nothing I'm going to say is going to convince you to risk getting Chrollo angry again.'

'That's correct, but you never give up this easily. So I will say right away that whatever plan you have in mind to come in between us again will be severely punished.' His focus is shifting already? That's unfortunate. I was quite enjoying not having to deal with that inconvenience again.

'Alright. Then I'll just tell you about what I remember.' I stopped typing and looked up at the boy when he said this.

'Giving in does not fit your current mental state either. What do you hope to accomplish by doing this?' I continued when he didn't answer me, 'It doesn't matter what you say. I know our goals are opposite, and I will not do anything you ask of me. So your best course of action would have been to try something physical while training, why are you standing here now?' He raised the hand with his still immobile wrist, and slowly his expression started changing.

'You gave up.' I cocked my head,

'Excuse me?'

'You gave up when we were locked up. That's the reason I broke my arm. I was so desperate to get out and not let it end there, that I found the strength to do so.' I remained quiet when I noticed he was actually telling me. It put me on alert, especially his increasingly softening expression. 'But before that, do you know what happened? I hesitated in wanting to get out of there. I hesitated because you cared, and I hadn't felt that in my life up until then. I didn't want to leave that. I can't believe it myself, but when I think back on it, thanks to you I was probably able to become friends with Gon, didn't I? Even though I didn't remember any of this 'till a couple weeks ago, I remembered how it felt, and I noticed Gon's intentions, letting him in.' He huffed when he handed me this realization, 'I actually let him in because I still remembered I felt safe with you. Can you image it? You being the reason I can actually feel all of this?'

'Ah, you're hoping I get the same reaction I had three weeks ago? That's not happening.' I was the one who did that for him? It merely supports my theory that I let him in while feeling the complete loss of connectivity. Considering the protective nature hammered into me for whomever it is I'm connected to, none of this is shocking to me.

'Oh well, it was worth a shot.' He lowered his arm again.

'If you try anything during training, it will be over permanently.'

'Understood.'

'I will see you in two hours.' I turned back to my work.

'Can I kiss you?' I turned back immediately at the unusual question, but during the movement, he'd slid his hand behind my neck, and pressed his lips against mine. I resisted the urge to immediately and violently remove him from me. I'd taken the drug from Chrollo so I wasn't triggering, but I had to be careful in removing him from me in his current state. I can very easily do permanent damage now, considering most pressure points are at the joints, and I don't want his family after me. He's risking doing this even though I said I wouldn't train him as a consequence?

But he wasn't in a malicious state of mind, was he.

Ah! That's it _._ By telling that story just now, he'd put himself back in the state of four years ago, and I hadn't felt hostility from him because he wasn't feeling it. In this state of mind of his, he actually wanted to do this because it had probably felt good back then, and I hadn't picked up on his intentions. You're more dangerous now than you were before, and there's only one of two options at this point. Either make it backfire for him again by taking it further than probably had been done during captivity - thus eliminating any residual feeling for him - or use a non-joint pressure point to dislodge and threaten him.

The only question remaining was which of the options would make him stop making these attempts in the future, because his resolve has increased exponentially if he's going back to a place that has caused him a lot of grief. You're luring Chrollo out for some reason beyond what Kurapika asked you to do. _What kind of pay-off has he promised you?_

I sighed through my nose, when I weighed all of the options within a second, and realized there wasn't actually a choice. So I took immediate action.


	45. Saturday 23rd part 2 - Save yourself a penny for the ferryman

With the boy still attached to me, I calculated the possibilities before Killua could do anything else. His motivations are nowhere near as complicated as with either Chrollo or Hisoka, so I was able to take over before he'd take full control. _If I threaten to become more intimate, he knows there's the possibility that it backfires on me, and he will only continue._

_I can't threaten him to be sent to solitary, because he would just keep trying to provoke every time he's let out, and Zeno won't allow that much space between me and Killua either way._

_I can't threaten with the danger of Chrollo, because Killua already knows of this, but still voluntarily started this._

_I can't ask others for help, because everyone supports this contact in one way or the other._

As long as I'm on Chrollo's side, I stand alone.

Although it is my least favorite option, right now it's the only one with a chance of success. Either way, Hisoka will most certainly keep this footage to himself, there's no need to worry about that.

_Now I only need to take it to a level where Killua will be discouraged._

I was given a short break in the kiss.

'You want to do this in the hopes of gaining control over me?'

'Nah, just felt like doing it.' His mouth uttered those words, but his eyes were saying something different. He was starting to become too successful in regressing himself to that time, so luckily this was not going to take a whole lot of effort. It's most probably soft kisses, isn't it. I can't imagine it went further than that.

He let go of his own volition, but it was clear that he wasn't in the least discouraged to try again in the future at this point. So when his hand had slipped from my hair, I turned main surveillance off, and walked around to the door to lock it. He turned around when he heard the clicking sound.

'I am in no way going to trigger, so feel free to do whatever you want if you need it as proof that you're not going to succeed.' When turning back to him, I already took my jacket and tie off, throwing them on the couch, and I reached up to untie my hair completely. He's played an obvious game, but a well thought out one. 'What do you want me to do?' Since today I'd pinned my hair up, it took a couple seconds longer to let it fall loose completely. 'Or do you want me to take the lead again?' At first, Killua's reaction was of one who didn't know what to do, but contrary to when we were at his house, that look changed.

'I just want to continue where we left off just now.' The freedom that's been given to him the last couple of weeks has made him more steady on his feet, it seems.

'Understood.' I took a couple of resolute steps his way, and lifted him up on the desk. I placed my hands on both sides of him, and I hovered my face close to his, letting him take the last step. He slowly let his uninjured hand slide along my neck up into my hair and moved it to the back. I inclined my head to the feeling, and all that was left in between us were our breaths; our eyes nearly closed. He was very obviously still in the same mood he'd just put himself in. If anything, during his time here, his acting has gone up several levels.

When his hand reached the back of my neck, he stopped a second, and let me lean in the last part of the way. He backed away though, but I didn't let him too far. I lifted one of my hands and stroked it from the side of his leg, up to his waist. His heart rate was increasing, he was hesitant. The reason he's able to do this, is because my persona from four years ago is completely different, but now that image is slowly being shattered because of what we're doing.

'Are you going to let me do this, or not?' I whispered in between us. It only took him a second to respond,

'Thank you.' His words came out even softer than mine, and it made me open my eyes a little more. 'I hadn't felt anything like the care you gave back then before. It made me continue trying to get us out.' Before he would say any more, I decided to close the gap myself, but those words hadn't sat well with me, and I didn't care to find out why at this point.

Against better judgment, I let our lips meet, and we made contact just as softly as a minute ago. This time though, I opted to take it further, and started carefully asking for permission to do so. I let my hand caress his waist through his shirt while massaging his lips, and I felt his heart rate increase immediately the moment he allowed my tongue to find his. He took a small, sudden inhale. This level of acting made me wonder how much was actually acted at this point, and how much of it was still part of his plan, because this seemed to be far above his level.

I lifted my other hand from the desk, and straightened my back some more. His hand slid down from my neck to my waist, and mine slid up to cup his face while slowly, but surely, letting his tongue find its way around mine. I was surprised when he un-tucked my shirt without asking, and made me doubt his acting even more. The last time we did this, it was because he'd needed to feel alive, and the first time was purely to frame me. At that time, Killua had resisted at all costs, the second time he'd just allowed everything; neither of those times resembled this.

When he started unbuttoning me, I accommodated and let the shirt slide off my body onto the floor. _I think Hisoka's out of his boredom by now._ I took a little distance, and at the moment I put one knee on the desk, Killua understood and slid back a little further, turning to use the full length of the piece of furniture. I hovered above him on my hands and knees, and let my hair fall all around us. _What is all of this?_ He can't be recreating anything we've done back then anymore, this is going too far. He's just drawing me in purely with the sense of affection? He's going to trap me with that?

I closed my eyes a short second when I realized all of these musings were useless. I'd known this beforehand, I just hadn't counted on this amount of resistance from Killua.

I leant down on my elbow, and lowered my head next to his ear, letting my free hand find its way up his shirt. _If I don't continue in this kindness, then he will never be discouraged._ I let my fingertips glide up his abdomen, and felt the muscles contract a little under the cold feeling. Soft, small whimpers escaped together with his breath, right next to my ear. _This wasn't anything like last times, he's putting himself open completely just to reach his goal._

His legs got a little restless after a while, and he turned his head to the side a little more to be able to kiss my ear. While he alternated in letting his small sounds reach me, and softly kissing the skin, I shifted weight so I'd be able to let both hands slide his shirt up, and played with his nipples. Once I'd reached those, a more prominent sound exited his throat, and he reached his hand up around my neck, to make sure I'd stay in one place, and would continue.

For a while I did, and when his legs got too restless, I let my hand find its way down to ghost over the wanting area. _He was already getting excited?_ At that point though, he turned my head his way and gave me the same soft kiss he'd started with.

That was also the point where I stopped moving entirely. It hadn't mattered how far we would've gone, it had mattered that it had lasted more than five minutes. In those five minutes, Killua had surrendered himself to the feeling completely, and it was everything I couldn't handle. Noticing this with me, he just stopped, and let go of me. Even now there was nothing with him. Not the sense of victory, no malice, he was still the same. _Linking the image of me now back to the past should elicit something from you. Had I been wrong in my assumptions?_

Either way, I stood up from him, and picked up my shirt from the floor, putting it back on as calmly as possible. I simply tied my hair back for now, and unlocked the office, walking out and leaving Killua behind. I went for the nearest toilet, and locked it from the inside.

If just now hasn't stopped Killua, then I have a problem.

I hate to admit it, I need Chrollo's clear state of mind for now, but I can't consult him on this; I can't let Killua be killed. There's too many factors weighing against me, but he's the only ally I have at this point.

Am I trapped?

_Unacceptable._

* * *

I turned to my side and curled up inside myself after Illumi had left. _That had taken more out of me than I thought it would._ I shivered a little, and stared at the door. That had gotten wa~y too close, I hope I don't have to do that again. I closed my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths to get myself un-excited again. _You held on too goddamn long._ Although, I hadn't really thought it would've worked either way, so that's a win. _Thank you, Kurapika._

Still don't really understand how this is the first step to killing Chrollo though, but I'll find out eventually.

I pushed myself back up and swung my legs off the side of the desk. _This thing is really sturdy, isn't it._ I shook my head when I noticed I was distracting myself with unnecessary stuff. Before I get too preoccupied with this, I need to ask Machi to take on Kurapika's method of treatment for my wrist.

I carefully let myself off the piece of furniture to decent myself again, but I froze for a second when my feet met the ground. I don't know why at that moment specifically, but my knees gave out under the tension. A sense of vertigo hit me full force, and my breath become more ragged. I grabbed my head to make it stop spinning, but it wasn't working.

 _Fear, I'm feeling fear._ I felt this intensity before, for just a split second, when I remembered something from four years ago. But this, this was lasting way too long. _Is this really still just remembering? I don't want to… Let me go back to the feeling of care, not desperation, thank you very much…_

But I couldn't switch on command. Apparently I didn't have the control over it that I thought I did. I hunched over some more, and bit my lip to make sure I wouldn't start screaming. _I've made a huge mistake, I can't do this either…_

I need to step out of this, I have to stand up and walk away, do as I told myself and distance the person back then from the one now, _do it!_

I shut my eyes tightly, and focused on getting my breathing back to normal. _Take the distance. Take the—_

My head shot up when I heard footsteps approaching and stop in front of the door. I collected myself again as quickly as I could, and stood back up before it was opened. As soon as it did, I recognized it was Hisoka, and never in a million years did I think I'd actually be glad it was that asshole. _But seeing Chrollo at this point would actually kill me, so there's that._ He didn't stop in the doorframe, he walked in and closed the door behind him. He wasn't wearing his usual smirk, so I very quickly stopped being glad it was him.

'Illumi's not here, he ran off somewhere.' _He already knew that, he'd been watching._ I casually pocketed my uninjured hand, but Hisoka didn't stop slowly walking towards me. _What mood are you in?_ 'And I don't have the time for you, I need to go see Machi.' I said the words, but my legs didn't make a single step away from my spot. Next to Hisoka looking unpredictable, I was still in a slight state of fear and it was impeding my judgment. I looked up at him when he stopped a foot away from me. 'Seeing as you all want Chrollo dead, and apparently this is the first step, you're here to congratulate me?' His eyes widened a second when he heard that final conclusion exit my lips, and his lips finally turned up into that usual smirk,

'Did a little birdie whisper that to you, or did you come to that conclusion all by yourself?' I was actually glad when he spoke up, because he didn't sound any differently than he normally did. Still the same manipulative tone. He pocketed one of his hands as well, raising the other to his lips. _He was_ really _content with all of this, I'm safe for now._ That break on his forearm healed way too fast, by the way.

'Why is Chrollo possessive?'

'It was definitely a cute little birdie.' He let out a low chuckle, 'Because answering that question would actually tell you everything you want to know.' Well, that made it obvious he was not going to answer it. I lazily narrowed my eyes at him, when I realized. 'But I didn't come here to thank you, nor to tell you that. I'm here to give you this.'

'What? Now I'm getting a present for getting it on with Illumi?' I raised my voice and uninjured hand, waiting to receive whatever he got out of his pocket.

'You could call it that, yes. I'll leave it up to you what you decide to do with it.' Even after giving it to me, his hand lingered on mine just long enough to make me uncomfortable again. After letting go of it, I looked down at a key, and he actually explained what it was for. _You're in a_ real _good mood, aren't you._ 'I'll make sure surveillance is taken care of for tonight. You go and explore Chrollo's belongings in this place to your heart's content.' I blinked at the key a couple of times before raising it and responding as he turned to walk away.

'Is this some kind of prize? Have I won my boss battle, and I'm supposed to use this to get to the next level?'

'If you want to put it that way, then yes, that is a correct analogy. You won't be able to reset if you fail tonight though. Don't agitate the beast too much.' He lifted his hand in goodbye before casually sauntering out the door. Seems that Kurapika really had told me the truth about their motives, because Hisoka'd had the exact same attitude to knowing the reason behind Chrollo's possessiveness.

I turned the key around in my hand, examining it a little, but it wasn't anything special – nothing that physically indicated tracking. In the back of my mind I was still examining the possibility that Hisoka was setting me up, but it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense. He's been pushing Illumi on me from day one, and I've just gone for him on my own volition. Actually taking the risk myself to do something he wanted me to do, he wasn't setting me up.

I kept the possibility alive though. _I'll see what important thing Chrollo's hiding then tonight._

I twirled the key in between my fingers a couple of times before pocketing it, and setting out for Machi. _I need to be extra careful though. Even with a healthy body I'm no match for him, even less so the way I am now._ Because I have this feeling that if Chrollo's truly threatened, he won't listen to Illumi anymore.

* * *

'You don't seem very happy tonight.'

'That's because I'm not.' In the end, Killua had been wise enough not to approach me anymore for training. I intend to stand by my word – I'm not training an enemy, no matter previous affiliations.

'Want me to take care of the inconvenience again, then?'

'You need to make sure I have a test subject tomorrow, that's all.'

'Understood.' I stepped out from under the shower, and got a towel handed to me. The only reason Chrollo had followed me to the institution's showers was to serve me like this, he hadn't even taken a shower himself. Right now about the only thing he's interested in seems to be pleasing me. However, considering Kurapika's words about his true face, it's a bad idea to bring up Killua. At this point, all that he will do if I mention my bad mood is because of him, is kill the boy. I won't agitate him to the point that he will ruin any of our future plans. 'He will be ready for you by nine tomorrow night.'

'Good to hear.' Never for a second while I dried myself and took care of my hair, did he take his eyes off me. By now he's following me around so much that I have to question if his patients are getting any attention anymore.

Ah, that's right, I still need to do a scan tomorrow. For a while it hadn't mattered if I would or not, but if Killua's acting up out of his own volition, then Hisoka will take advantage of this, and I need to know more about myself to be able to survive – I need to know if I'm suffering regular memory losses.

'Is it okay if I stay to witness you working then?' I turned back to him, still working through my hair,

'It's not. Your presence will influence the results, you're only allowed to observe over camera.'

'Too bad.' I kept my focus on him a little longer. Chrollo's not nearly convinced that I will stay affiliated with him at this point. His concerns are grounded. If this situation continues to be this inconvenient, or if I find out why all of this is being done to us and I agree with the results they're aiming for, I will switch sides without hesitation.

If he actually _was_ convinced of my allegiance, he would leave me alone just as much as Machi. He's giving uncertainties more attention, seeing as he apparently visits Kurapika time and again as well.

Why are you so possessive though.

I've dealt with enough sociopaths, and none of what he's currently doing conforms to that – he's not playing around. A lot of factors weigh in for his nature, but possessiveness towards objects previously unknown to him is an anomaly. It could only be explained if the comfort zone he protects is, to him, possessing or having contact with a certain kind of person.

If that's the case though, then he's gone a long time without a comfort zone, or his previous possessions have all perished. Someone like him in the combustive state of being a sociopath without a comfort zone wouldn't have been able to keep his calm when approaching Kurapika though. On top of that, the image I have of him from before captivity denounces that he didn't have a comfort zone back then.

_Why do I seem able to remember everything but the time with Killua?_

'Anything I can do to help you through your current thought process?'

'Did you have previous possessions?'

'Do you ask because it doesn't fit with the rest of my personality that I search these people out?' I gave him a short nod before I decided to just braid my hair already, since I'll be going to bed in a minute. 'I have my reasons. It's not a necessity for me, but I do like to find persons like you.'

'Is what you do to your possessions the reason why you're off-limits to everyone else?' More than two months later, and he still responds badly to the question. 'Two months ago I didn't need to know, but if it's something that'll help keep everyone at bay, then you're going to tell me.'

'I'm sorry, but that's not going to happen.'

'It would destroy our cooperation?' He took a step closer when I offered the possibility. Even if collecting these possessions is just something he enjoys doing, he's more fiercely protective of it than he should be.

'Don't worry. I would kill both Zeno and Hisoka before it would get to a point where they force you to take their side.' I didn't move from my spot when he reached his hand out to my face. We never broke eye contact, not even when he hesitated a second to caress my face. I still don't appreciate the contact, but he's more inclined to talk if he's allowed.

He definitely has more reason than simple enjoyment for doing all of this if he's willing to do any of that though. Mah, I don't care one way or the other if he does. He's good at hiding his presence or involvement from what I know of him, so if he does kill Zeno and Hisoka properly, it wouldn't really matter. Actually doing it properly is quite the feat though.

If his possessiveness dwindles like it did with Kurapika and Machi after we leave here, then none of this really matters. On top of that, if he's actually able to take care of Zeno and Hisoka, then Killua will back off as well. Killing the boy will only incur wrath from the Zoldycks, I don't care much for that inconvenience.

'That would come in handy, actually.'

'Should I just do it then anyway?'

'Zeno and his network will not be so easily killed. Only do it as a last resort.'

'Understood.' He smiled, and let his hand glide away from my face. Apparently he noticed I was at my limit of how much I allowed him to do. The sooner he believes I'm his possession, the sooner all of this unnecessary stalking and touching can be left behind.

**###**

_When he stepped away from me to continue dressing, I decided to just watch him from afar. Even when he left the room, I stayed behind and watched the door through which he'd left._

_Just now, there had been a change in plans._

_Even after the shower I'd smelled Killua on him. If they've been that close today that even after a shower his presence was still there, then I have a problem. Illumi even chose not to tell me about it._

_So maybe I can't get rid of Zeno that easily, but I will deal with Killua in my own way if he's making Illumi feel like he has no way out anymore._

* * *

It was in the dead of night, and I cursed Hisoka for only giving me this small of a window of opportunity. Both Illumi and Chrollo decided to stay here tonight, so I haven't been able to prepare anything, and if on an off-chance Chrollo decides it to be a good idea to come and check his office at this hour, I'm a dead man. The only reason I'm actually doing this, is because chances for that are practically non-existent. _If you've set all this up, you also could've convinced Illumi to go home, you shithead._

Even though I didn't have to take care of surveillance, or stay hidden from it, I still moved as stealthily as I possibly could. I avoided the route that went past the sleeping room, using my silent footsteps, and making sure I wouldn't cross paths with any of the guards. All of this wasn't that fucking easy to do with my body still like this though. I needed to make sure not to force anything, else Machi would know something had been up, and if Machi knows, then Chrollo knows. I can't replace what I'm going to find in that office because I don't have the means or any fucking clue what it could be. The best I can do to get away with it, is making sure my fingerprints aren't at the scene, so that Hisoka can take the blame.

_You better do that, by the way._

I stopped outside Chrollo's office for the short second it was needed to open the lock, and slipped inside without making a sound. Once inside, I carefully moved the fingers on my injured hand to check if it was still alright. When that didn't pose any problems, I started looking around for any kind of object that looked like it would need a key to open it. First thing I did, was go for the desk, but apparently that was too obvious a place. After that, I checked the visible cabinets, but of course that would've been too easy as well. _Was it even in this office? He might have a hidden place elsewhere._ If that would've been the case though, Hisoka would have given me some kind of hint, and he hadn't. So it has to be somewhere obvious…

When the cabinets didn't show signs of hidden compartments, and the desk didn't either, I started searching the floor – softly knocking on it to check if there was a hollow space somewhere. _This wasn't doing any of my tendons any good though._ I narrowed my search to the places where I have never – and never would – set foot, and was glad when after only two minutes I found the spot underneath his desk.

I carefully pulled the rug away, and glided my fingers over the wood, searching for the place where I could lift— _aah! There it is!_

I took a small knife from one of his desk drawers, using it to pry it open. _What the hell do you have in a secret place like this?_

I put the knife back the exact way I'd found it, and looked down the hole, trying to assess if there wasn't a motion sensor of any kind. But even if there would be, I don't have the equipment with me to disarm it from this position. _This better be goddamn worth it,_

I reached in with my hand, and grabbed the metal box the best I could, lifting it out of the ground. I wasn't gonna take a look at it here though, _I'm not stupid enough to tempt fate like that._

So I merely set it aside, and returned everything to its previous state the best I could.

But all of that was for naught,

'Did you know that I have an extra alarm placed on this door outside of Hisoka's knowledge? It comes in handy when you deal with level 5 patients a lot.' I heard the door open and close, and saw a pair of feet standing still in front of it. I shuffled back a little, but all blood retreated from my face and my heart stopped beating a second… _Chrollo…_

'Hisoka may not care about his patients breaking these kinds of rules, but I do.' My mind lost it when he slowly started walking my way. Normally at this point my body would be ready to escape by whatever means necessary – but next to it not being up to spec, _I think I understand why Illumi showed fear after feeling this kind of danger._ I started to break out in a cold sweat, I was scared stiff… 'Especially when it's concerning a patient whom apparently deems it necessary to make my partner feel emotions that will distract him from me.' I swallowed back hard when he stopped right in front of the desk, listening to that calm, collected voice of his. _If for some godforsaken reason miracles happen to me,_ now _would be a good time, because I wasn't going to survive this without one…_

I couldn't even move when Chrollo slowly crouched down, to look me directly in the eye. By now I couldn't even discern anymore if my heart was beating too fast, or if I was in cardiac arrest…

'Oh, and of course especially against patients that, on top of all that, want to kill me.'

_Shit…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
> 
> HUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA -cough-cough-


	46. Sunday 24th - Kansas city shuffle

'What do you expect me to do with this, Killua Zoldyck?' He reached out his hand, and dragged me out from under the desk by my shirt without any regard for my injuries and slammed me down on my back hard. Still I could feel he was restraining himself. After dragging me out, he sat down on his knees over me, pinning me down by my neck with one hand. I could barely breathe with the amount of pressure he was exuding. _It's not gonna fucking end here, is it? No.. I've gotten so far..!_

'Illumi has forbidden me to harm you in any way. He's saying this is because he doesn't want your family interfering with his work. Now I know for a fact that that's not the main reason, is it.' I reached my hand up to his wrist in an attempt to gain some sympathy and make him loosen his grip, but he only gripped tighter when I touched him. I let go instantly and resisted the urge to scratch at his skin for air. 'Because if me and him would work together, your family would have a hard time chasing us. Considering the amount of effort and danger that would put them in, I don't think they would take the risk, would they. I mean, they already left you for dead when you were captured by Yellmi.' _I don't need you to goddamn remind me of that right now…_ The look in his eyes was incomparable to anything I've previously seen. It wasn't even his expression; it was the extreme stillness in his voice, compared to the strained muscles in his body. _This is_ not _natural…_

'Unintentionally, you took advantage of Illumi's need to have a single outward connection. He'll not be able to remove that so long as you exist. I'll erase you right now, and Zeno and Hisoka will be taken care of later today, their networks over time. I don't really care what happens to Gon, to be honest, so if that will give you some peace in your death...' _What kind of fucking peace is that?! I don't want to die!_ I shut my eyes tightly. Please just do it already _. If you're going to do it, please don't stretch it like this. I can't take it. I can't stand it._ 'I will make sure I'm the only connection he needs.' _What the hell makes you so goddamn desperate for him?! It's not like I actually_ want _to steal Illumi from you!_ 'Granted, that it was a lot easier with Kurapika and Machi to reach this goal, but I'm willing to make the extra effort for Illumi.' The look on his face changed after he'd spoken the words, and if his hand hadn't already been around my throat, I would've choked in my emotions on my own. _I really didn't want to go through this feeling again._

I felt the grip on my throat loosen a little, and his other hand rose, setting his fingertips against my chest over my heart. _You're fucking kidding me, you're using one of our techniques…_

Either way, I simply closed my eyes again, and felt tears stream down my face. Ready to push his hand through my chest, Chrollo didn't utter another word,

But Illumi did.

'What do you think you're doing?' The door opened and his voice rose at the same second. The only thing that stopped Chrollo from continuing nonetheless was that I was now trapped in between two killing auras that I really could've gone without for the rest of my life. _But at least I still have a life for the moment. Thank you, whatever god made this miracle happen._

'Taking care of a small hurdle.' It wasn't until Chrollo's grip loosened completely, that I dared to move, and started coughing up a lung. _Please let this second chance end well..._ 'How did you know I was here?'

'With that amount of killing intent next to me, it was hard not to know what you were planning to do.' _Well thank you for taking your sweet time in coming here then._ 'And I thought I'd been clear on this.' When he stood back up from me, I rolled over to my side, and to my knees, trying to get some more control over my coughing, and creating some distance.

'As long as he exists, you will not be able to get rid of the connection your mother forced on you. You know the Zoldycks won't chase us for this.'

'That's an inconvenience I'm not willing to risk.'

'But it's hardly a risk, you know this.' _Me coming here had hardly been a risk, but look how_ that _turned out._

'You will not lay a hand on Killua.' I finally looked up at Illumi, still holding a hand in front of my mouth, when I felt intensity increase from his side. _Jesus fucking christ..! I just stepped out of the realest death scare I've ever had, can you please tone down the intensity a little?_ It sounded sarcastic in my mind, but the request was very real,

'If you can give me a sound explanation why it actually is an inconvenience, then I will.' _And you can stop intensifying the danger in here as well Chrollo, thank you very much._ I shuffled back a little further,

'Over the last couple of years I've never felt the need any more for an outward connection, even though Killua was wiped from my memory. This will merely continue after we're out of here. There's no need to risk anything.'

'It's still not a risk. With both of us on the top of our game, and no Zeno or Hisoka to bother us, something like the Zoldycks is highly doable, and wouldn't even be an inconvenience for _that_ long. If anything, taking them out would only increase your clientele, wouldn't it?' _Can't say I completely disagreed with taking out my family at this point, but I'm not allowing you_ anything. When Illumi casually pocketed his hands, I shuffled back even more. Unfortunately, Chrollo took notice of it this time, and slowly turned his head my way. _Alright, I'll just stay right here, not a problem._

I heard Illumi stepping closer at that point, but I wasn't moving my eyes away from Chrollo. _You're fucking it up with Illumi so bad, why are you even doing this?!_

I didn't blink until the moment I saw Illumi's legs stepping in between us. _Wait, what? Chrollo's making excellent points, what are you_ …

'I don't think you understand, Chrollo Lucilfer.' _He is! He's placing himself in between us!_ And was it my imagination, or did Chrollo's mood change a little when Illumi called him by his name just now..? 'I don't think you understand you will leave this room in pieces if you lay a hand on him again.' _You're talking about dismembering him with your bare fucking hands! Why would you suddenly do this to protect me?! Chrollo's right, there's no legitimate excuse for you to take it to these kinds of extremes._ Although Chrollo's danger didn't diminish, it was slowly changing. There was no response anymore from his side, so Illumi cocked his head and continued, 'Do you understand now, Chrollo?'

'You're sticking up for the boy, even though there's no reason to? This is your mother speaking.'

'Where it comes from is none of your concern. You're going to listen to me, or you will suffer an agonizing death.' Illumi's showing his true face too, isn't he. I don't know how or why this is happening. He's mostly been removing himself from me, and looked confused all through the process. Has he snapped out of his confusion or something? Is that what's happening?!

'It _is_ of my concern, and I want to hear the reason.' _Goddamnit Chrollo, just give up already, you've thoroughly lost the game!_

'You're not getting it. You're going to walk away, and you're going to voluntarily remove yourself from the case.' The strangest part of those words, was that Chrollo showed an inkling of actually listening, but decided not to a fraction of a second later. _I haven't seen half of your manipulative powers, have I?_

'What if I refuse?' When Chrollo's danger rose again, I swallowed hard, and Illumi faltered for a moment. _No, don't waver now, don't you_ dare _waver now,_

In a fit of stupidity (and maybe Gon's influence) I swallowed away a whole shitload of fear to be able to survive this situation. I scrambled to my own legs, and stopped thinking about the consequences to be able to raise my voice to finish this if Illumi wasn't able to,

'You're not going to tear each other apart, and I'm not going to stop any attempt to make sure you won't make it.' Illumi didn't look around, and just let me continue, I would've been shaking on my legs if I'd fully realized at that moment what I was doing, 'Illumi may have been confused about everything that had happened in that small room, but I'm not. I cared about him, and he's the reason I survived back then. It happened. It was real.' Even though it had been acting when trying to get closer to Illumi, the recreated emotions had been real, and they'd come from him as well. If they really are from the same man, then fuck it. _Whatever your reason for sticking up to me, thank you._ In a fit of even more stupidity, I placed myself next to Illumi, and looked up at Chrollo,

'You, on the other hand, are a useless, indiscriminate killing machine. I know Hisoka is too, but he's not in this room right now wanting to kill me. Is he.' There was a short second of silence before Illumi suddenly pushed me out of the way with a force, grabbed Chrollo's arm, and after a really short struggle, Illumi had pushed Chrollo down on the ground. It had only lasted a second, but Illumi had a gash along his forearm, and Chrollo seemed to have a broken wrist and knee. _Jesus Christ man, that was just a second!_

'It seems you _want_ me to dismember you, don't you.' Chrollo's danger was slowly waning, but Illumi's was only increasing. I stood back up, and Illumi decided to break one of Chrollo's arms the other way. I heard a small scream, and looked down at his pained face. _Was this what Kurapika meant that it was the best chance to kill Chrollo?_ But this can't be explained as the only chance, right? 'I was not lying. I can very easily break your back or neck from this position if you want it to end more quickly. Or do you still prefer being dismembered?'

'It's not fun anymore when you're on the losing side, is it?' I stopped a couple feet away from the bastard, but he didn't grant me the pleasure of looking up at me. And I'm not so stupid to get too close right now just to make him do so. I saw Illumi grabbing his forearm, and snapping it like a twig. 'I'm sure Machi will love fixing that for you.' Another snap. I know I should probably stop Illumi from doing this, because I'm gonna be Hisoka's patient at this rate… but I was unable to stop enjoying it. I sat down carefully in front of him to enjoy the show.

But unfortunately I wasn't allowed to enjoy it for very long.

Said redhead interrupted.

'I'll take it from here, if you don't mind.' Illumi immediately let go and stood up from Chrollo with a little trouble when Hisoka walked in. Apparently Chrollo injured something along Illumi's leg as well…

'He was about to take Killua's life, he needed to be stopped.'

'No, I understand that much. We're just going to leave him here for now, because your arm isn't in the best of states.' Looking up at it, I cringed at the sight. _How were you able to snap Chrollo's bones like a twig with_ that _?_

'Ah, now that you mention it.'

'Killua-kun's going to come along with us too.'

'Well, no question about that.' I said as I stood up. In all honesty though, I just wanted to shank Chrollo at this point and have it over with. Hisoka's not stupid enough to keep me in the same room with that kind of attitude.

'Don't forget what you came here for.' I ducked back under the desk when he mentioned, and took the box with me, following after them.

Well, I intended to, but the moment I set foot outside the room, I started shaking, and had to use the wall for support. Short moments of life or death I can deal with. Extended periods of time like these last fucking months, I can't.

'Get up.' With his good arm, Illumi pulled me up and away from the wall, making sure I'd follow before letting go. I have no idea how his mood's going to be after all of this has faded, but I am still alive because of him. That's two times now that he's done that for me.

'Thank you.' Illumi didn't respond to that, but Hisoka did. He glanced at me walking a little behind my shrink, and looked seemingly pleased with this entire outcome. _I don't really care about that, but I am very happy to still be breathing._

* * *

'If I take a look at my surveillance, what will I see, dear Illumi-kun?' Seeing as Machi had already left for home, it was necessary that Hisoka was going to take care of the broken arm. Although not as apt in fixing it as I am, for this kind of injury his knowledge is good enough.

'It all happened within a second, so I don't think your low-speed cameras have been able to catch all that.' Although Killua needed to be here as well, he'd been asked to stay at the other side of the curtain. That didn't keep him from involving himself in the conversation, but I appreciated not looking at him after the events just now.

'You did your research on them well, when you took short control over them.'

'Yeah, flattery, let's do that.' To be able to push the previous experience away, Killua was being more talkative, distracting himself.

'If you would be so kind as to not involve yourself in our conversation again then, it would be so appreciated.' Hisoka responded, surprised that he would actually stop further agitation of my mental state at this point; considering that I felt close to regressing back to when I was 17. 'Illumi-kun is in a very delicate state of mind right now, and I would like to honor his wishes and not destroy him.' He looked up from treating the gash on my arm, looking differently pleased than normal – he was close to becoming ecstatic by this whole situation. Did that mean that whatever he'd been planning all this time was about to come to a conclusion?

His grin grew wider when he saw that curiosity on me, and I blinked at him,

'You're going to tell me now?'

'Give it an hour.'

'Why would you wait?'

'It's been three years since you came here, hasn't it? I think another hour won't do a lot of harm.'

That hour, we all spent in complete silence. The only sounds had been those of Hisoka treating my wounds. I hadn't even noticed I'd suffered a leg injury until I'd stood up from Chrollo. That moment could've gone very differently. I'm still not sure how I'd been able to push Killua out of the way in time, and how I got the upper hand in the end. It'd been a toss-up at that point. The only thing that had been able to let me rise to these kinds of reflexes, had been the fact that I never completely pushed away the feeling Killua had left me with in the afternoon.

I closed my eyes when reminiscing on that. _I thoroughly hate having been manipulated to have that for the rest of my life._ It all happened in a time where I was still susceptible, and because of that, that susceptibility exists even today. If simply killing Killua off would solve that, I would've attempted that sooner – before I'd started to remember the time in captivity. But as soon as Killua is cut away from me, I would have had to deal with Chrollo taking his place, most probably.

All this time I thought that by cutting the tie to my mother, I'd eliminated this need, but apparently even at a distance, Killua had filled that need for a connection for me. So keeping Killua alive and simply distancing myself from him after all this is over, will suffice. Chrollo will need to be killed though, he will not stop attempting to control me. In his current state, it won't be a problem to end this. I appreciate that in the end, the situation can be solved in a relatively simple manner.

The only thing I'm not appreciating, were Killua's words to Chrollo.

'Hm, it seems I have to leave you two alone for a second, I'll be right back. Please play nice.' After a little longer than an hour, Hisoka's phone had vibrated in his pocket, and left after having temporarily bandaged my arm. It didn't take long in the redhead's absence for Killua to start talking to me again,

'Even though it probably wasn't intentional, thank you for saving my ass twice tonight.' I didn't respond to that. One hour ago, Killua had made peace with the time in captivity, that he'd actually cared, and that admittance still does not sit well with me. This connection is supposed to be the same as I had with my mother. Never in my life had "care" been a part of that. It didn't overlap, and it made me uncomfortable. 'You're still not really remembering anything from four years ago, are you? It's really _that_ scary for you?' Not having control over it, nor understanding it, was forcing me to not remember. As soon as I do, I will probably have to conform to Killua's words, and accept that not only this connection will keep existing, but that it was a mutual connection. That what I'd given during that time, had actually been returned to me. _I will not remember our time._

Luckily, Killua was distracted when Hisoka returned with someone by his side. I gave it a curious look as well, but the company was not meant for me.

**###**

'Kurapika?' I looked up and raised an eyebrow when I saw Hisoka appear with him at the infirmary, forgetting trying to start a conversation with an unwilling Illumi, 'It's four in the morning, why are you here?' Hisoka answered for him when he passed me walking back to Illumi.

'I believe you're susceptible for the truth by now, but I don't think you would believe it coming from me, would you?'

'That's not even a question.' I raised my voice at him, before giving attention back to the blonde. _Something is different about you tonight…_ 'You sure you don't want me to finish off Chrollo now that he's wounded instead of telling me some kind of truth?' He looked behind me at Illumi a second, 'Yeah, he's the one who injured him protecting me.'

'So Hisoka wasn't lying when he said that.'

'Strangely enough, no.' _I would've wanted to confirm that too…_

'… Walk with me to Chrollo's office.' I pushed myself off the bed to follow him without question.

'What? We _are_ gonna finish him off today?'

'In a matter of speaking.' _Why're you talking so quizzical._ Returning at the office, walking back in, Kurapika didn't give Chrollo a second of attention. Said guy had pulled himself up against the desk, cradling his arm, and gave me a dangerous look. But it wasn't anything in comparison to what he'd shown before.

Kurapika took a chair and sat down across from the desk, not doing anything at the moment.

'You're taking the chance to get rid of me now that I'm weakened?'

'Well I'd love to with all my heart, but I'm not really sure what the meaning of this is.' I looked back at Kurapika, and he gave quite a blank expression back.

'He's not going to finish me. He's probably sworn never to kill anyone again after everything that happened, haven't you.' Still no response from Kurapika. 'On top of that, he's too kindhearted to do anything against me. Somewhere he still blames himself the most for everything that's happened. And you had a good time when we were together, hadn't you, Mr. genius student.'

'You're just gonna let him say all this shit?' I pointed my thumb back at the man in question while looking at Kurapika. _Should I be sticking up for you or something?_

'Killua.'

'Hm?' I lowered my hand again when he finally spoke up.

'What kind wounds does Chrollo have?'

'What? You can see for yourself, why should I describe them for you?'

'Humor me.' I let out an exasperated breath, _this was like all those questions about what he looked like all over again,_

'Fine. He's got a slash over his left forearm that's still bleeding, the wrist on his right arm is broken, and his forearm there has been broken in two like a twig. And by the looks of it, the shoulder there is dislocated too.' _Wait, wasn't it Illumi with the gash wound?_

'You've had some degree of psychological training from your parents, haven't you?'

'I have.' I pocketed my hand and turned my eyes back to the blonde,

'What do you know about regular memory loss?'

'You're talking about that I fabricated memory to cope with that Yellmi situation?' He nodded, 'In order for someone's psyche to keep from collapsing, certain traumatic memories are pushed back in secondary memory so far that they seem non-existent. Then, in order to stop you from looking for it, the brain either avoids that period of time altogether, or makes up a plausible alternate event that makes sense but was less damaging.'

'Do you remember everything yet from your time in captivity?'

'I don't have eidetic memory, so I'm still missing something stuff here and there.'

'Is there a timespan in which you remember almost nothing?' I passed through the different memories day by day before I answered,

'By far, I remember the least about day one.' Strange. I turned my eyes when I saw Chrollo trying to stand up, but was failing. Seems like Illumi may have caused some internal injury as well.

'Leave him be.' I shrugged it off, 'What do you conclude from that information?'

'That the most traumatic event probably happened on that day. Which wouldn't be strange, because we were both probably in denial.'

'Illumi is the one who remembers a lot surrounding the event literally, but only has emotional remembrance for his time with you, doesn't he?' I nodded, 'What does that say?'

'Where is this going?' I had to wonder by now.

'Don't worry, it's not going to take long.' Chrollo squirmed a bit more, and tried to stop the bleeding on his arm a little.

'It says that the event was more traumatic for him than for me. But that's not strange either. He's scared to death of anyone able to come close to him.'

'Of the times you remember with him, how do you feel about it?'

'Well, it was awkward at first, but it wasn't actually all that bad. I even hesitated to escape at some point because I liked being around him more than the thought of returning to a family that had left me to die.' I laughed a little at myself. It sounded crazy when saying it out loud. 'If he hadn't collapsed into himself by the end, I probably wouldn't have been able to rip that plate out.'

'He realized he'd made actual contact instead of coping by then. Tell me, how did the first couple of days together go?'

'Violently.'

'Why did it stop?'

'I don't remember. You're suggesting the turning point was a traumatic event for me too? What does all of this have to do with Chrollo anyway? Why are we here?' He ignored my question.

'Did you feel safe with Illumi afterwards?'

'Yeah, yeah I did.' _Instantly,_

'Then the falsified memories aren't there to cover the entire event, are they?'

'You mean the only traumatic events happened in between being locked up and the moment we made peace? That the reason why I flipped is the trauma, and the reason why we stopped is because we entered some kind of status quo to deal with it by then? That I'd snapped or given in to something at that point?'

'Correct.'

'Then why would I even want to remember?'

'Because it's the way to kill off Chrollo.' Very, very slowly, gears were starting to turn in my head,

'How does that even work? Did Illumi give some kind of information on him then? But information wouldn't fucking traumatize me! You say this traumatic event lasted from the start 'till the end of the second day, but Chrollo was never there during that time, he would've let us out to save his precious Illumi if he'd been anywhere near the place. But he was busy with the massacre of your family during that time!' This conversation was only putting more questions in my head.

'The massacre didn't start until after you were free again.' The final gears were starting to turn into place, and blood started retreating from my face. He waited for another second. This entire conversation he was assessing if I was ready to hear something, wasn't he. _Hisoka called him over here because he thought I was ready to hear it?_ 'Have you ever heard of shared psychotic disorder?' Even though I started to realize the weight of what he was saying, I was still able to answer,

'It's when someone's delusions are carried over to another, usually in an isolated environment for an extended period of time.' _I think my body needs blood in more places than just my chest, you stupid heart._

Kurapika looked a whole lot more relieved when he saw that this was actually getting through to me, but also started shaking - both his body and his voice. He opened his mouth again because I wasn't able to. _SPD? SPD?! No! You can't fucking mean this!_

'I'm glad it's slowly coming back to you. Just to verify we're on the same page, should I say it out loud?' I may have nodded, I may have not, 'Well…

* * *

'Well? The hour is up, are you going to explain the game to me now?' If there was anything that could help me suppress this unwanted difference in connection, then I would appreciate it. On top of that, things had escalated far enough by now. Luckily, Hisoka's face was showing exactly that kind of contentment. He was on the verge of getting physically excited from it, and sat himself down on the bed opposite of mine, not holding back anymore and simply purring like a kitten. He was still stretching this, enjoying the "foreplay".

'Hmm~ yes I will explain for you, if you so please.' He closed his eyes, letting out an unsubtle moan while his grin grew wider. 'I've been building up to this for three years, please excuse me while I savor in it.' When my expression hardened towards him, he continued. 'I would've _loved_ for you to figure it out on your own, but you're so stubborn until the very end, aren't you. I guess that with someone like Chrollo always by your side, it's hard to actually see the obvious, isn't it.'

'Why would Chrollo stop me from-' That small hint got through to me, and the look in his eyes changed,

'Why is Chrollo off-limits, my dear Illumi-kun?' He crossed his legs and put his elbow on it, leaning his head on the back of his hand, 'Have you been able to figure it out?' Up until now, there hadn't really been a reason. Chrollo had done unimaginable horrors in his lifetime outside of this institution, but that wasn't an exception while being employed here. I had found nothing else that would have explained this to me, and he himself had refused to talk about it…

'Or can you imagine why he'd be so possessive over you? Surely you don't think that he's worse with you than others just because you were still doubting? I mean, he followed you all the way here, trying to reach you for three years. There _must_ be something special about you that he can't live without you, don't you think?' I'd dismissed that thought earlier in our cooperation… 'None of your memories of him from before coming here actually overlap with the level of possessiveness he has now, do they. Not since Killua-kun got in the picture.' He was saying all of this for show, but I'd already realized, I just didn't want to accept it yet. I sat frozen in my place. _This is not true, I am_ not _this vulnerable..!_ 'You can reject it all you want, but you must realize the plausibility. Should I fill in the gaps for you to make you believe completely? Should I ask the final question then?'

'No.' I uttered resolutely, but Hisoka didn't let that stop him, and said it anyway,

* * *

'…What if I told you, that Chrollo is not just a "ghost", but that he actually doesn't exist at all?'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND ON THAT BOMBSHELL 8D
> 
> *slides to the left*  
> *slides to the right*  
> *criss-cross*


	47. Sunday 24th part 2 - Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you

'You're taking this well, I see.'

'You're telling me Chrollo is a secondary personality of mine, which would put me in an even greater weakness than before, of course I am not taking this well.' _That would put me on the same level as my mother, and I will not accept this as truth._

But for how long can I actually still reject it… If I do, then I will keep living with this weakness forever… I would only have half control over my mind. And if I would accept Chrollo, that would give him even more control, wouldn't it?

The thought of how close that had actually gotten, nearly made me hurl… _The only reason I triggered to timeloss with Killua was because Chrollo wanted to keep me away from him more than others, wasn't it…_

'Let me tell you a little story.' I looked back up at Hisoka, dropping the hand that had covered my mouth in gesture to keep the nauseous feeling away. _This could be truth, and it would make perfect sense, but I don't want it to._ 'In the years between losing the only contact you had – your mother – and having your first memory loss, I already knew of your existence. I've anonymously delivered several cases to you for free, we met once. I see you remember all of this a little clearer now.' I watched him shifting in his position, only half being able to listen to him.

'Even back then I had my eye more on you than you thought. From the moment you lost your mother, you started showing signs of a second personality. It doesn't matter how much you want to convince your body you don't need contact. You do. Chrollo is the side of you that provided your body with that by searching out victims like Kurapika. You miss a lot more time than you're aware of – Chrollo is very good at keeping you in the dark about all of it. The only reason you've become more aware of it recently, is because of Killua-kun. Do you want to know why? Do you know when Chrollo manifested himself completely?' It didn't matter what I'd answer, this was Hisoka's moment and he was enjoying the look of horror on my face. But everything he was saying had already permeated my mind,

'It was during your captivity with the boy. You just experienced the separation from the only "bond" you ever had, and your mother's beautiful upbringing did not allow you to accept that. Your psyche collapsed at that point, and Chrollo was granted his complete existence. I can only imagine what a sight like that could have done to our poor little Killua out on his first hit after years of inhuman training – he _is_ very sensitive.' I remember, I remember the pure fear on his face on the first day _,_ 'You know there are cases where delusions like this are taken over by others, especially in isolated spaces for extended periods of time. Killua started acknowledging Chrollo being there as well. You intensified the experience for each other. Not that he had much of a choice; neither of you would have survived if he hadn't. Oh~, Killua being able to see Chrollo as well must have gone very deep for you. You both made an inseparable connection in those three weeks you spent there.' Somehow he'd known about this, and that has been the reason behind his confidence that I wouldn't be able to separate myself anymore, hasn't it… I haven't felt the lack of a connection not because of Killua, but because Chrollo had taken care of it in the meantime…

'By the time Killua got you out, of course you wanted to kill him though. He was a threat. In the room he was valuable because he acknowledged Chrollo to keep you both "sane", outside of the room he would become a person that you would actually have a bond with. The only reason I could think of that Chrollo would refuse this request to kill him, would be that at that time, he was simply grateful for his help, and not at all threatened by the chance of you meeting again. I'm glad he kept the boy alive though, it has made things so much more fun.' I don't want to hear any of this… 'Tell me, if you'd been able to form a bond with Killua, where would the use of Chrollo be? It's been only natural that he wanted to get rid of Killua once he got here. He's been ruthless in this, hasn't he.' That explains why he went against my will, by the way… It'd been a calculated risk from his side…

'Did you know that you were already in contact with Kurapika before the Kurta massacre? Chrollo did all of that for you. I heard you suspected your mother was with them, and Chrollo helped you get inside their circle. It is through this that you found Yellmi. Poor little Kurapika, never knew what hit him when Chrollo offered his life to him. I can understand why you got sidetracked with those beautiful eyes though.' I had… I had known Kurapika beforehand…

'After the Kurta massacre – which I helped cover up for you a little – you were forcibly admitted as my patient – as per request of me. It wasn't until a year later that I made a deal with Zeno – we erased your patient history, and even created the false identity of Chrollo to accommodate you. Because there was no way you were going to let him go without having contact with him. "What does he look like"; you remember this question being asked before he "started working here", don't you? We have such talented profilers and facial reconstruction artists, we were able to fabricate the only picture in existence of him.' It hadn't even been needed; I wouldn't have found it strange for a ghost like him to not have a picture – even in our databases…

'Of course the best way to confront you – then and now - was through means of Killua-kun. But the Zoldycks aren't actually a cooperative people, are they? Do you think Killua failed assassinating Ging by himself? I may have had a hand in that. Some birdie might have whispered that the Freeccs needed to keep a better lookout that night. All Zeno's been trying to do, is make you become conscious of all of this. I may have been working against this just a little.' _A little? I've been working here for three years…_ 'Although Chrollo is a very, _very_ dangerous personality and most want him gone, he's very useful to our world, don't you think?' There's no denying that he is…

'You understand now why Chrollo's off-limits? That's the question that's been nagging you since you started your cooperation, hasn't it. He needed to exist for _you;_ it was forbidden to stimulate the existence of this man outside of that. Machi really does love that side of you though, can't really blame her for not being able to keep her hands off him - or better said, _you._ Tell me when you're ready to admit all of this is true, I have a _lot_ of footage I would like to show you again.' I don't want to see it… 'Chrollo has been very meticulous in keeping things from you. I have to say he's about the strongest secondary personality I have ever seen. Somewhere I'm sorry to see him go, but it's been so much fun while it lasted. Though I think that with his persistence, he'll be around for another while.' If he's been able to keep all this from me, then I doubt he'll go that easily…

Him drawing me to the place of captivity had been a calculated risk for him then? Because if I'd actually remembered about his creation, it would've worked against him. But I did needed to remember our cooperation to stop chasing him away…

'Is Chrollo here right now? I mean, I suppose it would be natural he'd try and shield you from this. I've told you this story before, is Illumi still in the room? Chrollo's supposed to be broken and battered in "his office", isn't he?'

'… I'm still here.' I managed to bring out somehow.

'A lot of things make sense when you think about it, don't they? How your work always seemed to take so long – you've been working a lo~t of cases. A lot of people's reactions when you were talking with Chrollo, how Machi didn't call either of you by name as long as she didn't know for sure who she was dealing with. Why do you think Zeno took over from talking with Killua-kun's parents? No matter how different the two of you are, you still share the body. As long as you were conscious, Chrollo couldn't be doing something else, could he.'

'... …' I started to slowly stop noticing him,

'My, your heart rate's increasing without being touched, the message has finally seemed to have reached you, hasn't it. I don't think I'll be hearing anything from you for a while, will I. Don't worry about Killua though, Kurapika is guiding him through this. On top of that, I do actually like you and the boy together. You care about each other so much for so many twisted reasons, it's like he's a creation of yours as well. I can assure you the boy is real though. Oh, and don't worry about me either. Even without Chrollo I like to be around you. Your very existence is fascinating to me - for all the reasons Chrollo gave you and more. You should feel special, normally I wouldn't bother with anyone for this long. But Illumi-kun, all this time, I've been enjoying our time together so very much.' _I've had this shock before…_

'And yes, your bond with Killua _is_ real, and no I don't think you're ever going to get rid of it. It really does boil down to the choice between Chrollo and Killua – you either go for the personality that refrains you from needing outside contact, or you have contact with the one real person you _do_ have a connection with. But I think it's going to be hard going back to Chrollo after hearing all of this, don't you.'

'… I have been a patient of yours all this time..?'

'The most exemplary of all time, I have to say. You cured a lot of other patients while working here, that's not false memory.

But I think you're at your limit now, aren't you, you're so far away. I will stay right here to answer all of your questions when you need it, because I do believe we've had quite the breakthrough, don't you think?' I need it to stop being true,'Oh~ how beautiful you look all battered and broken like this.' He stood up off the bed, and raised my hand to kiss the back of it before looking back up at me, 'I'll stand guard until you're back, just for you~.'

* * *

_It all makes sense, it all makes so much fucking sense! All those people asking me what he looked like, it was just a test to see if I could see him, wasn't it? I mean, it was strange for Kurapika to ask that in the first place when he already intimately knew him, but I just thought he asked to make sure we were talking about the same person…_

_Now that I think about it, Chrollo being off-limits had everything to do with not being allowed to acknowledge him, didn't it?! Illumi never seriously fought Chrollo 'till today, and this time and last time they'd had the exact same injuries… even if they hadn't fought they'd had that..! No wonder my dad wants to fucking get rid of him! Of course this was the way to kill Chrollo, wasn't it?_

_Chrollo is Illumi's second personality, probably started to exist when his mother had disappeared, and he fabricated him to be able to deal with it. Oh god, Chrollo exists as the one to make outward contact, doesn't he?! That's why he's so possessive over everyone! And of course he's against me getting closer – if Illumi would make another connection again, he'd become obsolete and disappear…_

_That's it! Chrollo came into existence on the first day of captivity because he didn't have a connection anymore, and he'd been so aggressive because Chrollo needed to be acknowledged, or else he was going to snap. Of course I accepted Chrollo, I'd just been left to die by my family, and failed on the first mission, something I'd trained for for so long. And then… and when I accepted Chrollo, he was placed outside of the room because that made more sense, didn't it? Or maybe because his body noticed that at that point, there was a new possibility for an outward connection, I don't know…_

_How didn't I get any of the hints?!_

_"There's a good reason Chrollo's possessive" fuck you Hisoka. All the previous conversations I'd had with him were flooding back, and all those subtle looks he'd given me. It was plausible, it was all fucking plausible…_

_That's why Kurapika's so apathetic towards Chrollo as well as Illumi… he knows all of this, he knows there's nothing he can do about it, not with the killing level Illumi is at, and he's been living with that feeling for four years. That's why he didn't fucking react to Chrollo when he walked in the room back then, it was because for him, nothing changed…_

_That goddamn spiderbox… it hadn't even been Chrollo's, it'd just been in the room with us when we were locked in there, it's all made… it's all made up…_

_So I've constantly just been talking to either Illumi or into thin air?!_

_I think I'm going to throw up…_

All of these realizations went through me in a split second, and the moment after when I shortly looked back at Chrollo, I slumped to my knees. _There's no-one there, there's no-one fucking there, why do I fucking see you, go the hell away!_

'Careful!' Kurapika had stood up from his chair to catch me, to keep me from using my injured hand to land on. He slumped down to the ground with me, laying his arms around me, sheltering me from everything. 'I'm sorry, I need to be selfish right now.' I felt tears drop down on me, and his voice sounded choked up, I could feel his entire body shaking now that he could let something go… 'You have no idea how long I… I… I just want Illumi to see the same, I want Chrollo to disappear…' His hands gripped tightly on the back of my shirt, and his body started shocking a little.

'Oy, we can't both break down at the same time… who is supposed to catch who here..?' To my surprise, I noticed that tears had made it out of my eyes without me noticing it.

'"Never forget your own sorrow to catch someone else's", it's what mom used to say.' His voice started choking up more, and after a good couple of seconds he was unable to hold back anymore. His volume raised considerably, 'I goddamn loved that man and trusted him with everything I had, and I hate myself so damn much for doing that! I can't even fully hate him even though he did all this, and I feel so goddamn weak!' His screams were deafening, and his words cut straight through my heart, _these are your real feelings?_ 'I want him to stop existing, but at the same time there's still this small part of me that wants to go back to before he did what he did! All I want to do is find out I can still trust and love someone, damnit!' I raised my arms awkwardly around him. I have no idea how much all of this must hurt for him. He came from a loving family, he was accepted, and maybe pushed a little for the safety of their family. Along comes this Chrollo personality, who assures him he can trust and love people outside of his family, and he slaughters that entire family. Tortures, researches, leaves their broken bodies for him to find… You're completely broken yourself, aren't you?

'You were very certain that I wouldn't be able to ensnare you again, but you don't sound like that.'

'Shut up, Chrollo.' I raised my voice against him, shakingly, because I knew I was talking to thin air. Kurapika's body was starting to feel heavy, and I let my hands find their way up around his back a little better,

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lay this on you.' _There's no strength left in his body…_

'Are you kidding me?' I spoke through my own tears, 'I can't even start to understand what you must've been feeling all this time. Don't hold it in on my account.' He let go of me a little so I was able to properly lay my arms around him. His head fell down on my shoulder, and mine on his. I was holding the broken pieces of a man who'd barely made it out alive. _A man who's too kind and openhearted for this to have goddamn happened to him._ I shut my eyes closed tight at the thought of that. _How fucking dared you…_

'Who gave you the goddamn right to do this to someone like Kurapika?! To someone like Gon?! Do you fucking take pleasure in picking out the kindest persons and mess them up?! Is that how you want to play that game?!' I heard my own voice skip all along those words, for my own sanity temporarily ignoring he wasn't there the best I could,

'Well, kindhearted persons _are_ the easiest to conform to yourself. Their openness is their weakness.'

'No! No it's not!' _You are_ not _allowed to call these people weak!_ _After all the struggling I've seen with both Gon and Kurapika, you are not allowed to say_ anything! 'They're not weak, they're the strongest persons on this whole goddamn planet! They know by being this way that they're fucking vulnerable for people like you, but still they open their hearts because they believe that no-one's completely evil. They want to open themselves because they want to show themselves to the world, and that's stronger than a goddamn figment of an imagination manifesting itself in the mind of someone who can't fucking bear for the world to see him! Because in the end, I _am_ going to form that connection with Illumi, and I _will_ goddamn make sure you disappear! What kind of life do you goddamn live if you only spend it inside yourself?! I'm alive because I made goddamn contact with Illumi and Gon! I have never felt that while killing, and I never fucking will! So never _ever_ dare to say that you're stronger than someone like Kurapika or Gon who open themselves bare for the world to see! In the end, _you lose!_ ' While screaming the words into nothingness, Kurapika's crying had slowly quieted down to silent sobs, but his heart was still beating out of his chest, and I felt him trembling.

'I am going to kill you right now! Because I will not let your fucking way of doing be more important than what actually fucking matters in this godforsaken shitty world!' Kurapika let go of me after that, and looked me straight in the eyes. The red in his own eyes was shimmering through his lenses. Somewhere along the way, my own tears had stopped to make way for rage over all of this. _Kurapika's entire family had been slaughtered because of a non-existent person, I am in this situation because of it, I am not going to be for a moment longer._

He silently gave his permission to go and do what I needed to.

Turning around, "Chrollo" had no more words left to say as I stepped out that door. _It ends tonight._

**###**

Unfortunately, as soon as I set eyes on Illumi sitting in the infirmary, my resolve changed dramatically. That level of vulnerability wasn't something I could deal with concerning him, and I wouldn't allow him to show that weakness ever again.

As soon as I made one step inside the infirmary though, I felt a hand against my chest, and looked up at Hisoka standing there, casually leaning back against the wall. _Why are you stopping me? Illumi realizes now doesn't he? What's wrong with me wanting to finish this?_

'Before you do anything rash that will destroy all of my effort up until now, I need to tell you one thing.' He kept his hand on my chest, even when he noticed I was willing to listen. 'Illumi-kun is in a state of regression at this point, I'm sure you've seen this before, and you know what caused it.' _I'd come too close, I remember._ 'Although not a danger at this moment, Chrollo still exists. Unless you can persuade him that you indeed _are_ the better choice for contact without laying an emotional need on him, Chrollo will come back stronger, and I will not let you pass. I much prefer Illumi-kun over Chrollo-kun.' His tone had been so calm and collected, that it took a moment to register what he'd actually told me. _All of this wasn't just your game, you took him here as your patient, didn't you?_

When I wanted to respond with a question, he shushed me.

'Your voice will set him off as well. If you still have to ask questions, you should just walk away.' _There's a fuck-ton of questions I'm itching to ask, that's not exactly fair to ask of me._ 'I must say, I do think I like the notion of you being able so close to reach your most prominent instinct. I look forward to your future with Gon.' He finally looked down at me. It was unsettling though to see him with a normal smile.

But truth was, that I probably wasn't going to do much good if I stepped in now, would I. Convince him that I'm the better choice without laying an emotional need on him? There wasn't much reasoning working in my favor. If he'd choose Chrollo, he wouldn't ever have to make a connection again, why the hell would he choose me?

Well, subconsciously he did already choose me, but like this, I doubt that he's going to accept it.

I took a deep breath, and a small step back, losing contact with Hisoka's hand, which he retreated when I did.

'You're growing up so fast.' I wanted to retort, but restrained myself, and pocketed my hand. As much as I want to "kill" Chrollo now, that's not going to happen, is it. He's been there for more than four years, it'll take a while to do this. I'll go back in a minute to apologize to Kurapika, but I'm not giving up.

Feeling that certainty again, I unpocketed my hand, balling it up in a fist. This time, Hisoka didn't stop me, and I heard he liked it when I stepped up to the slouched over Illumi, and punched him in the face,

'I'd expected better from you than letting yourself be controlled by Chrollo.' I raised my voice at him, but he didn't physically react. He let his head stay punched to the side, and I just turned around to go back to Kurapika. _I guess that's about all I can do for now._

'I'm so proud of you.' Was the last thing I heard from Hisoka when I passed him. It's still gonna take a while to get rid of Chrollo, but I'm not gonna let this chance go to waste. I don't give a fuck anymore if that means I need to keep my connection with Illumi. It has no consequences for me, I could not care less.

I was saying all of this to myself, but on the way back to Kurapika, I slowly slipped out of this necessity to settle things right now, and the moment I returned to Kurapika sitting on the ground, crying, Chrollo still sitting against the desk, cradling his arm, I couldn't take it anymore either. All the energy I'd had left, I burned out making a collected decision just now, and I finally snapped under the pressure of it all,

'I don't think I can deal with it yet that I'm seeing someone who doesn't exist.' I said, feeling tears emerging from my eyes again. When Kurapika heard those words, he immediately stood up and flew at me. He'd heard the cry for help, and held me tight against him.

I'd cried for help. I actually said out loud that I couldn't take it, and asked for someone to hold me, and someone listened. I hadn't done this since captivity with Illumi. But I couldn't, I really couldn't deal with this, I really needed someone to keep me close and warm.

'I'm sorry for asking so much of you.' He pressed my head against his shoulder, and my hands clutched tight in his shirt, holding on for dear life. My cries were smothered against Kurapika's body, and I let it all go at this point. Someone came to my help when I couldn't take it four years ago, and someone came to my help just now. _I don't know why I'm worth all this, I really don't, but I must be doing_ something _right, right? I became friends with Gon, I made a connection to Illumi, and now I stood crying in Kurapika's arms. I don't know what's happening anymore, but at least I have that, don't I? Those things are mine, and not my family's, right?_

* * *

'All that's left now, is for you to snap out of it again, my dear Illumi-kun.'


	48. Sunday 24th part 3 - If I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know

It had been the longest night of my life. Not only mine, but all of Kurapika's emotions over the last four—no, five years, had flooded out. Although I noticed he really didn't want to put the pressure on me, the pressure he'd been putting on himself all this time had been way too big. Is this the difference in between growing up in either a loving family or a cold one? Because I've been dealing with a lot more pressure from early on, and I'd felt less broken than him. Are my real emotions still a level deeper than I'm accessing now? Or is this just the extent of what I'm still capable of? Everyone is different, right? Kurapika is probably just more sensitive because he grew up in a place that allowed this for him. Not exactly the same as my home.

The stories he'd told about what "Chrollo" had done before he found out his true nature, made me sick to my stomach, even hours after hearing them. If I hadn't hated him before, I would've hated him now. He took advantage of Kurapika's deepest desires, let him willingly fall into it completely, even alienated him from his family until he was basically all that was left for him. And then, without giving Kurapika the chance to make amends, he kills everyone. Just because he liked playing with and possessing him. All the lies, manipulation, _you're the reason Assassins exist, that personality of yours doesn't have the right to call himself a professional._

All I want to do is make Chrollo's existence disappear – for me, Kurapika, and the rest of the world. He's a completely heartless man that only exists to manipulate people into forming a bond. If I can convince Illumi that I'm willing to keep this twisted bond we somehow formed, Chrollo will no longer be needed. Concerning logic, I somewhere know how to persuade him, but I'm not feeling it right now, so I'm still keeping quiet. I want to just drive a knife through the guy, but there's a fifty-fifty chance I'll be knifing Illumi. And somehow that doesn't seem right anymore. _Doesn't mean I'm not still tempted._

I sighed deeply, and leaned my head down on my knees. Kurapika had taken the bed in my room for now, and he'll probably be sleeping for the rest of the day. "Chrollo" had found his way back to the infirmary, and had sat down in front of Illumi. For a couple of times, they'd engaged in short conversations, but I couldn't really look at it, or listen to it. Because I knew how the rest of the world saw this exchange now, and I knew how the redhead standing next to me, leaning against the wall, saw all of this. I may not feel as broken as Kurapika, but none of this is sitting particularly well with me either. _I can't believe I'm thinking this, but… I just want someone to tell me it's gonna be alright, because right now I don't see that happening anytime soon._

Even when Illumi snaps out of it, it would mean prolonged contact with him to keep Chrollo away. I don't want a constant reminder of my time here hanging around me, I don't want to be the patch to a wound of his, I just want to be able to fill in the rules of my own life. _Not conforming to Illumi, not to Gon, not to Kurapika…_ But still I want to feel affection from them. I feel egotistical, conflicted, and downright confused about everything of where my life has been and where it's going, and I just want it to stop…

'Want me to get Kurapika or Gon for you?' I didn't appreciate the amusement in Hisoka's question; neither of those were in a state to help me, and he goddamn knew that. So I typed it out on the mobile I'd gotten to be able to communicate with him – I still wasn't allowed to have a presence around Illumi, but was still forced to stay here,

 _"Suck it, wise ass."_ He laughed softly when he read the message,

'Do you want _me_ to comfort you then?' I sent another message,

 _"Do you want me to break your ankles and rip off your feet?"_ He closed his eyes a second before responding,

'Mah~, torture would be a new field for you, wouldn't it? Better stick to what you know.'

_"I'm willing to learn."_

'It will not help you break free from your family though; that _is_ still your end goal, isn't it?'

 _"… screw you."_ …I was forced to stay here to send him anything Chrollo says in return, because Illumi's not going to do that for him. Mind you that when I say forced, I mean forced. I broke Hisoka's wrist on one hand, and a finger on the other before he had good enough of a grip on me to drag me back here. He'd smacked my head against the wall hard enough to cause some vertigo before chaining me to one of the cabinets, and fixating his own broken bones. Out of petty protest I'd still pulled the cabinet over and stood ready to just drag that thing along with me out the door, but as soon as Hisoka'd held that piece of furniture back, I'd had too little power. Almost gotten out the door though.

After that I'd opted to dislocate my wrist to get out of the cuffs or just breaking the chain, but neither of them was a good idea. One, my tendons are healing but still sore and it wouldn't exactly help the healing process; two, ripping the chain apart would require an amount of grip in my hand that I don't yet have again on that side. Hisoka had put the cabinet back in its place after I gave him a look that would spell his death. He thinks ahead too well, and now I'm simply stuck here, translating for this stupid redhead. The first phone he'd given me lay broken beyond repair in the far corner of this infirmary. It wasn't until I'd calmed down and realized there was little choice, that he'd actually unchained me and given me another phone. If I don't admit this is happening, I'll never get out of it; that had been the sole thought that had been able to calm me down enough.

Somewhere I feel like Hisoka's just standing here, asking this off me for his own amusement, because now he can finally hear the interaction; but a strange part of me felt like it was something different. That's most probably just me projecting though.

I nearly snapped his hand off completely when he nudged me with it. Unfortunately this time he retreated in time. Looking back up at the two sitting there, I saw Illumi raising his head, for the first time looking directly back at Chrollo. The only reason Chrollo hasn't attacked yet, as Hisoka explained, is because even though he still exists, Chrollo's being held off by Illumi. That was a good sign.

As much as I want him gone, I'm still too anxious to actually replace Chrollo as a connection though. _It better be on my fucking terms…_

I got the phone ready again, averting my eyes from the scene. I felt new, silent tears pricking just beneath the surface when thoughts of just letting it all go crossed my mind again. _I don't want to hear any of your voices anymore. I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm alone, I just want this to all be over, and be around someone that doesn't ask anything from me._

'You actually want the me that I gave Kurapika to exist? This is surprising.' I jolted a little when Chrollo focused his words on me, but I still texted it through to Hisoka. It was the first time that he'd addressed me; in a light panic, I didn't know how to respond. And Hisoka had to tell me just to give him my responses. So I did,

 _"No I don't. I want someone who actually means it."_ It sounded strange, hearing something like that exit Hisoka's mouth, and I felt a little violated. But Chrollo still responded,

'I may have lied a lot, and said a lot of things to make him dependent on me, but whoever said that I never liked being around him?' When I wanted to get up and punch his lights out, Hisoka had to smack me back down against the wall. With a threatening look from him, I was still barely able to restrain myself enough to type out my response, lightly growling up at the both of them,

 _"I stand by what I said before; you're the most self-centered bastard to ever exist. You liked being around him because he was an object you wanted. If you'd actually looked at him like he was human, you wouldn't have been able to do the things you did."_ _I know enough about viewing a target just as a mission to understand that much._ Hisoka's small laugh afterwards told me he appreciated my rebuttal.

'Very sharp of you. But tell me, you feel like a tool now, how are you expecting to feel any differently in the future? People will always use each other for one thing or the other, you will never be able to gain the freedom you seek if you want to form a connection with someone. That is, if you actually see them as persons that need something in return. You want to take my place as Illumi's connection? You're not actually looking forward to that, are you?' I shouldn't expect differently than that he knew exactly what was going on in my mind. With his superior years and training, I'm not going to able to win this fight…

 _"If I give something to anyone, I get something in return. As long as I'm with people like that, I won't feel like a tool."_ It's what I'm currently convincing myself with,

'My, such strong words, Killua-kun. But Gon isn't the most giving of friends, is he?' _You ass, don't start working against me, you keep out of it!_ I snarled up at Hisoka while Chrollo answered,

'It doesn't really make sense, what you're doing right now. You don't want this connection with Illumi, and he doesn't with you. You want to set the world straight by eliminating people like me? Having 93 kills on your name, you must know there's a different variety to everything you hate. Why work so hard on just eliminating me?' That was an easy question, even though a couple of months ago I didn't think I'd be giving this answer.

_"Because I'm protecting the ones I care about with it. They'll be happier with you gone, and that's all that matters. I do this of my own choice."_

'But somewhere you still expect their gratitude in return, don't you. This will happen all through your life. Even though I know Kurapika will be grateful to you, there will be more times than not where you're going to be uncertain if you'll get anything in return. If you just keep giving, there won't be anything left of you, just like with your quarrel with Gon.'

_"Nothing is fucking certain in life. But I am certain that if I don't do what I want, I'll just be miserable. I rather take my chances in making friends than the future others have planned for me. Even if that means I'll have to stay in contact with Illumi."_

'Ooh~ I think I like where this is going.' Hisoka already responded, waiting for the rest of the reply,

_"If there's no other way, then we could just keep in contact through him training me or something. That way, I still get something out of it."_

'Oh? But I thought you actually liked Illumi-kun.' I glared up at the redhead, sending him another text, blindly.

_"Shut the fuck up, pervert."_

'No, but you do, you don't hate him. He's precious to you because he gave you something, isn't he?' I looked back down at the screen,

_"He also gave me Chrollo, I'm not too happy with that." Understatement of the year,_

'Ah, but you do admit that you care?'

'You care because you believe Illumi cared about you back then?' I turned my ears back to Chrollo, 'You were a replacement for the damage his mother had done to him. Nothing more, nothing less. If you hadn't been there, it would've been just me.' I already started typing while he was talking, not caring that Hisoka was only getting half the conversation because of it.

_"I know for a fact that what he had with his mother was different than what we had in captivity."_

'Ooh? What makes you so…'

 _"Shut up, assface."_ Hisoka laughed when he was interrupted before he could even finish his question. I want this conversation to be over as quickly as possible; I don't want to hear or see Chrollo ever again…

'No, but I'm curious as well. What makes you sure?' _I don't want to think about that again, but if it'll make you shut up…_

Hisoka snickered before reading the message out loud,

_"Because I knew goddamn well what it felt like to just be accommodated to out of necessity, and that hadn't been it. On top of that, if it'd been exactly the same as with his mother, Illumi wouldn't have been so awkward about any of it. He's not someone who cares about who it is if the situation's the same."_

'You make such strong points, I'm so proud of you.' Logically, there was only so much I could explain about it though. It was just a feeling I'd had while I was in there, and the moment he stepped out in front of me last night.

'You're suggesting you're the better future for him?' At that point, I stopped caring about consequences and just raised my voice at him,

'I'm _suggesting_ that there's no way in hell Illumi will accept giving away control over his mind to anyone. If he had the choice, he'd even go back to his mother over having to do that.' Illumi straightened his back some more when he heard those words. _So you_ are _listening, you bastard._

'That's taking it a bit too far, don't you think?' When Hisoka didn't stop me from standing up, I did, and raised my head to look straight at that empty space. Stopping to care for a second of what this looked like to reply,

'There's a million other Assassins out there, all able to do the job you do. You're a danger to his mind, and you're expendable. Nothing more, nothing fucking less.' I bit at him. I kept eye contact a little too long though, and I was the first one to avert,

'You're shaking.'

'I don't exactly look forward to keeping contact, but it's one hell of a better deal than having you around.' Hisoka even let me walk away after I'd thrown the phone full force at Chrollo's face. _Fuck this shit, fuck whatever you're playing at Hisoka, I'm going back to Kurapika for now, and you better let me go see Gon once Illumi's made his choice or so help me god_ I _will be the one to break him out._

'I should've killed you, like Illumi asked of me.' He decided to end with that before I left the room, but I didn't respond anymore, shutting him out. I couldn't restrain myself when around him any longer, no matter how much it would help eliminating him. This personality of his had brought me closer to death than I've ever been, we finally had him under control a little and I'd even accepted that the time in captivity had actually happened; then I'm just casually told Chrollo doesn't exist. _I can't deal with all that shit in the course of ten hours you goddamn maniacs._

My first instinct when I stepped inside my room, was to slump down against the closed door behind me, but I stopped the motion before I reached ground. Instead, I looked at Kurapika in my bed, and decided to just do the same as I'd done with Illumi back then. _Maybe it'll work again._

Slightly hesitant about all of this, I lifted the blanket and slid under it, laying his arm over me, and curled up inside of him. I clutched his shirt tightly and stiffened a little when I felt him adjust his position a bit. The moment he softly kissed the top of my head though, I couldn't stop the pressure from leaving my body anymore, and muffled the screams in between us. _I didn't sign up for any of this, damnit! I just want to be able to live my own life…_

* * *

'Aah~, it seems like my little translator has left me. Now who'll tell me what's going on?'

'You don't need to know what's going on, this isn't concerning you anymore.' After Killua had left, I finally decided to speak up. If I'd done so before, I'd have been pulled into confrontation with him as well, and I'd needed my focus for Chrollo.

'Oh my, how very interesting, it seems like you've snapped out of it, haven't you.' I pulled my hair back with my moveable arm, and answered without looking at him,

'I haven't been "out of it" for a couple hours now, Hisoka.' Not completely true, I've felt dear pulling me back on and off.

'Ooh~? Interesting indeed.' He shifted his position against the wall, and gave me his full attention. I rather have him out of the room as well though. It's not easy keeping control over my actions when I don't know how it feels when it switches yet.

'Seeing as Chrollo is not a different entity, I've mainly been talking with him inside my head so that we wouldn't be disturbed by you or Killua.' Looking back at Chrollo, I knew I made it sound easier than it had been. In the end, he still involved the boy in the discussion.

'And how, pray tell, did you manage to get out of that maze inside your mind?'

'Simple. If I would be "out of it", Chrollo would get full control, and I refused to allow that.' For a while he'd had though. I saw him smile at that thought. I could've walked out of the room in my mind, but in reality I would've still only been where I was right now. So I'd refrained from moving. Probably more time passed than I'm currently aware of, and there's still this annoying lingering fear of losing to him.

'You willed yourself out of it? That's not how it usually works, Illumi-kun.' No, it's really not. I turned my eyes back to the redhead,

'It does when it's with a personality that has failed to uphold a shield of being an actual person. With someone like me, that's a fatal mistake.'

'Touché. So tell me, where do you stand right now?' I turned my eyes back to "Chrollo". I have no idea. "Willing" my way out of it was easier said than it had been done. No matter that Chrollo has let up now, he _is_ a creation of _my_ mind. Getting enough out of his grip to get contact with the outside world again had been an arduous battle, and it's far from over. Chrollo is fueled by both mine and Killua's mind, and both have huge gaps in their needs.

* * *

_'You understand now why I never liked the subject of being off-limits?' As soon as Chrollo sat down in front of me, he started the conversation. I'd been barely conscious up until he did; I have been told I'm following in the footsteps of my mother, and that will never be acceptable. I will not be as weak as her._

_He was carrying the same injuries, and same treatments, by the way. Knowing that we're sharing the body, it made sense, and it was more obvious. It also explained why I'd walked out of the Zoldyck bathroom with a wound on my lip - I've had an altercation with Silva._

_'You had no concept of not being real up until now, it was a subconscious reaction of yours. Although you kept it hidden well enough, immediate threats to your existence still affected your state of mind. It's simple now that I know.' I will have to eliminate the need to an inward connection to get rid of him, don't I. That will be hard._

_'You mean_ your _state of mind. If you really want to get rid of me, you should watch what you think.'_ I know. _So for a couple of moments, I started searching myself to see if I could notice who was "in charge" at the moment. If I'm able to do that, I'll at least have more control over it, and perhaps will be able to step away from him._

_'So, basically I created you because I was cut off? How was I able to do that after everything my mother had done to me?' In the meantime, it's better to understand the situation._

_'Well, you weren't going to open up to anyone else anymore, were you. Your body still craved the connection, so it bypassed your mother's one rule, and I was created. I was more important than the fact if the connection was outside or in.' Sounded reasonable enough. I looked away from him. 'You seem to be more okay with this than you were when you first heard it an hour ago, but you're still not giving me leeway; I can see right into your thoughts, you're not gaining control there, so where are you getting it from?' I turned my eyes back to him. He said I was having control, but I didn't feel like I was the one controlling my body right now; I'm just putting up more resistance than he expected._

_'Of all existences,_ you _should know best that giving up control over my mind and actions is not something I'd allow. My thoughts at the moment don't matter, it's instinct.'_

_'You're scared, aren't you.'_

_'Not scared enough to give you room.' I may not have control over my body, but I'm not letting him walk away either._

_'Not yet. But the fear that you'd one day lose control over yourself and become the same as your mother is becoming very real, isn't it. Do you really think that you will be able to keep control? To live with that fear? '_

_'What do you mean?' I squinted my eyes at him a little,_

_'You say that you're never going to give away control over your mind, but isn't that exactly what's going to happen either way? It's either through me, or through Killua. If you work through me, you'll have control over how much, eventually. With Killua you won't.' I turned my head back to him as well. 'With how broken and open he now is, you know he'll be demanding. He's not strong enough to stand on his own, and he's looking for someone to lean on without having to give anything in return. You'll be an end to a means for him. Just like you were for your mother.'_

_'With you, I will constantly be working to stop you from taking over too much. You have a strong sense of existence.' Stronger than I want it to be._

_'You're saying that with Killua it won't be working hard to keep him from gaining control?'_

_'He's easier to control.'_

_'Are you sure about that? You know how he's been acting. Perhaps he's not strong enough to stand on his own, but he's learning quite well. He's less about control than you are, thus less affected by all of this; and he has less reason to care about you. He will stay with you to get rid of me, but what will happen after? When you're gone, he'll still have either Gon or Kurapika to go back to, but_ you _will have to knock at my door once again. I could kill everyone he loves again? It worked with Kurapika.'_

_'He already knows you'd do that, he's not going to forgive that. It will not keep him in a connection.' This indeed poses a problem. Unless I decide to keep contact with Killua for the rest of my life, Chrollo is the better choice._

_What Hisoka said, about still needing to have a connection even though it's me, I need that to stop. I hadn't tried to get rid of that anymore after leaving captivity, because I thought it was gone; and before captivity, I thought that killing off my mother would solve everything. At this point, it's uncertain if either of those plans would work. If I first use Killua to get rid of Chrollo, and then kill him, that would be the only reasonable test. Killing Killua right away will only strengthen Chrollo._

_However, if I'd do this, there's still the chance that Chrollo will always have half control. How much of a hassle is this to me?_

_'That's an interesting train of thought you're having.'_

_'You want to get rid of Killua, so of course it is for you. Basically, if I'd choose you over him, you'd take care of the connections without me having to deal with it, like the last four years, wouldn't you.'_

_'Naturally.' I couldn't say that that wasn't tempting, but never will sharing my mind be a state of being that will sit well with me. Logically though, Chrollo is the better choice. I'd still like to get rid of both of them, but that is a long-term process. While having contact with Killua in the meantime to make Chrollo disappear, the connection with Killua will most probably only grow. Eliminating him after a couple of years will most likely make Chrollo appear again because of the size of the loss by then._

_Unless I can, in the meantime, convince myself that I don't actually need the contact, I will end up with either of them in the rest of my life._

_But how will I be able to convince myself?_

_'You want to get rid of both of us? That seems like a logical choice for you, but are you sure you'll be able to do that? Both you and Killua are looking to gain control in your life again in different ways. For him, it's going out in the world and trying to find what he wants to do. For you, it's to eliminate all connections and having your life and mind for yourself. I only need to be there for short amounts of time to provide you with what you need. If you're dependent on Killua, you will be bound to where he picks his jobs, or he will have to follow you. Not only is he not going to do the latter because he wants his own life, you will lose a lot control over your own. Sharing your mind part of the time is suddenly not so bad anymore if you think about it like that, is it.' He pointed his finger at the side of his head, slowly lowering it back to his lap after. That Chrollo would make strong points, wasn't a surprise, he was created in my mind._

_It was still the most logical choice to make, but I couldn't bring myself to it. Whether that was because of Killua himself, or because bonds in the outside world had been drilled to be more important, I didn't know. And I won't find out in just a day._

_'Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. Even if you get rid of me now, I will always be here when the outside world disappoints.'_

* * *

The thing that had caught my attention on the outside, had been Killua proclaiming that the way he'd connected to me had been different than my mother's.

In the end, the question is if I will ever gain full control, or if I will have to accept that it'll stay this way.

'Well? Do you have an answer already?' Hisoka sounded like he was about one step away from achieving pure pleasure through all of this.

'Chrollo will not disappear without the help of Killua. I will keep contact with him.' The low chuckle coming from Hisoka's side told me he knew of my intentions to kill the boy after.

'There's more testifying for Chrollo, isn't there? I've had a long time to think about this for you, I know all of the arguments. You want to get rid of both your connections? You want to see if you can live without either? Be my guest. But are you really rejecting Chrollo for the sole reason you don't want to share your mind? Because that's one thing I can't find out for you. Why don't you try and figure that out while I'll appoint myself as the new supervisor to your sessions with Killua-kun. We'll start again a week from now, if that's okay with you.'

'Not a problem.' I may have been a patient during my years here, but my psychological knowledge is not a lie. Taking part in sessions – especially with Killua now – will get me closer to a solution.

'Hmm~ I know you're in a state of distress, but how I'd love to have my way with you right now.'

'You've had your way long enough.' I stood up from the bed.

'But you should know by now, it's never enough.' His voice darkened, and it took a good amount of willpower to let me walk away. When he stepped my way after all, I punched him straight in the face, breaking his nose. Noticing that it was enough to make him back off for now, I turned back around with "Chrollo" following me close behind.

Being able to accept him would be the easiest way out, but it's not going to happen. The preferences of those that want him "dead" are working against that.

I want to pick the best choice, the one where I kill off both, but it's the one with the most uncertainty.

The next choice, Chrollo, is not allowed by those around me, and somehow my own instinct is working against that as well.

There's only one choice remaining, but it's the last one I want to take.

After having taken care of my triggers, my problems should have been solved. This whole situation has become unacceptably unavoidable.

Not even after finding out the plans surrounding me have I gotten any freedom. **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random Hisoka violence makes my day, tbh.  
> But yeah, no, even when you know exactly what the problem is, it still doesn't instantly solve everything, does it.


	49. Monday March 3rd - One step behind

I closed my eyes when I sat down on the couch in Hisoka's office. In no way had I ever intended to end up here, and in no way had I looked forward to seeing Illumi again. I am aware of what has to be done, but I don't think I can yet. Kurapika is perhaps more broken than I am right now, but for him it will be building his life back up; for me it's going to be tolerating a lot more shit before I can freely do what I want for the first time.

More than that though, I just want to erase everything that's happened up to getting the order to kill Ging. Maybe up to before Kurapika and "Chrollo" met, so that the whole thing with Yellmi doesn't even happen. I am very willing to learn about time travel if that will make me stop shaking inside whenever I see Illumi.

'Hmm, let us start by asking where Chrollo is for you, and where Illumi.' He leaned his elbow on the armrest, and casually lay his head on the back of his hand, giving me an uncomfortably intense and interested stare. _You've become even more intolerable since we found out._ I lazily lifted my hand to point at the both of them.

'So, which is the real one?'

'You can't tell by yourself?' _I want to punch that amusement out of your voice._

'How could I? I haven't been let near Illumi this past week.' "This past week." It's easier to say it now, than it had been to live through it. Kurapika had left by the end of the day again, leaving me with these issues to deal with his own. Understandable. Immediately after on Monday, my parents had come by to "talk this situation through now that I knew." Talking something through with them was not, and never will be, a pleasant experience. The only good thing out of it seemed that they were still unaware over Gon's survival. They have their suspicions, I'm sure, but there's nothing to ground those in, so they let it be for more important matters.

More important matters being making clear that I was allowed to leave once Chrollo stopped existing. That once that would become the case, they're cutting ties with other Mental breakers, and would rely on Illumi from now on; because without the weakness of Chrollo, his work was excellent. It _must_ be if they're actually advocating contact with _any_ Deliverer.

Oh, and let's not forget the intensification in my mental training once I actually get out of here. Looking forward to that so much. I'm starting to feel like I'm back in that room again, where I almost wanted to stay because leaving would mean returning to this dead life that was set out for me. No matter Gon's wishes, I still want my freedom. And for that, I will have to assure them I can hold my own and will take over the family business eventually.

I squeezed my folded hands harder. I _have_ to do this, because Gon and his family won't be able to stay here forever. But I won't be able to do this with just my family's "support." I need someone to understand my situation when I'm out of here. _You need to get your act together before I leave here again, Kurapika._

'You guessed correctly though, there's no-one on the couch next to you. Illumi's become more resilient to Chrollo taking over his mind in the past week. He's not disappearing yet though, but I hadn't expected it to go that quickly from someone Illumi's beautiful mind created. But no-one else has seen him, and Machi has already asked for transfer. That poor soul will probably never see the love of her life again. I can't blame her for taking the distance.' _You bastard, you're goddamn enjoying the sight of everyone falling apart in front of you, aren't you?_ I snarled and squinted back at him, but all I got in return was a squint back with a different mindset.

'I'm going to miss her too, she is very good at what she does, and she was incredibly loyal. Only Kurapika had shown more loyalty than her.' I shut my eyes when I heard the cold-blooded personality next to me. I wanted to punch every single person in this room, and it was frustrating that the one I wanted to strangle most, didn't physically exist. _Right now I would've settled for strangling Illumi if he'd been within reach, but he's not._

Illumi repeated Chrollo's words for Hisoka, but he was more occupied with keeping his mind to himself.

'You made sure they would become loyal only to you through extreme emotional manipulation, I have to say I'm interested to hear the stories about that.'

'Hmph. Even if I wouldn't tell you anything about it, Illumi has access to it now, doesn't he. He could just answer it for me.' There was no response from Illumi. He's learning to ignore him, isn't he. 'Why don't we bypass this, and you just tell them about it?'

'If he would, he would be taking orders from you.' Eyes turned my way when I spoke up,

'You know that if you're going to reject me, I'm only going to try harder to take over and make a connection. If not with Illumi, than perhaps with you.'

'I don't have the defect in my brain for you, this is bullshit.' I spoke up louder,

'Actually it's not.' I turned my head back to Illumi.

'Your mind was already susceptible for it, else you wouldn't have been able to take it over. Over the years of having this – even though you repressed it – "Chrollo" is as much an entity inside of you as he is within me.'

'You have _got_ to be kidding me.' I muttered while I hung my head, my foot starting to get restless from the nerves wanting to get out. _Does that mean that while strangling Chrollo, I could just as well be strangling myself? That's not exactly something I wanted to hear…_

'I'm not. Because he exists through my desire, it will mainly be my job to get rid of him. But unless you eliminate the weakness in your mind as well, he won't disappear completely.' _Can't we just learn to control Chrollo, and fake about being able to see him? I want to get out of here._ 'The only difference between you and me is that you're actually still capable to empathize. But you crave contact as much as I subconsciously do.'

'So? What're we gonna be doing about that?'

'What do _you_ think is the best way to get rid of both your weakness and Chrollo at the same time?' I hung my head again when Hisoka asked the question,

'You know you don't have to do any of this.' _Shut up Chrollo,_

'Yes I do. Not for this fucking institution, but for me, Gon and Kurapika.' I turned my eyes towards Chrollo, but immediately away again. Right now it doesn't matter if the bastard's there or not, I can feel a presence, and this presence is not without danger. He was sitting there with that smug smile of his, even though his situation was highly disadvantageous. You are too goddamn sure of your survival, _I need to see you despair._

'Even if you do, there's still a lot of doubt with Illumi. The only reason he's taking this path, is because he's being forced into it. That's not a strong position to have, is it. He'd rather have the connection with you because I'm too reminiscent of everything that used to be wrong with him? What exactly _is_ the advantage for either of you to keep contact? You'll either be chained to him for life, or he will kill you once I'm gone so he won't have any connection anymore whatsoever.' _It's not like I'm looking forward to any of it, you ass._ 'I could simply take over for a second, or perhaps you could do it yourself.' He looked up at Illumi, 'You now have full access to your memory again, don't you? You realize how you can eliminate everyone that stands in your way. What's keeping you?' Not that I'm complaining that Illumi's not doing that, but I'm wondering and worrying about that reason as well. He answered without hesitation though,

'Even if I'm able to eliminate all of Hisoka's and Zeno's networks, kidnapping Killua, it still doesn't meet the requirements I'm aiming for. If I'd do all of this, Killua would not be able anymore to keep the necessary connection with me. I'm not settling for you from the start, Chrollo.' _Well that's a relief… kind of…_ Now only to become stronger than him before he decides to turn on me.

…As much as I hate to admit it, I _will_ be needing my parents' training for that. I let out a small breath trying to accept that.

'My, whatever happened between the two of you that you're choosing such an uncertain path?'

**###**

'None of your business, Hisoka.' _I think I will get rid of Hisoka either way. If anything, he'll be an interesting test subject. I know of some clients who would pay a high price for the information I'd be able to get out of him.._ All this attention on me wasn't doing my focus much good, perhaps a week had been too little time to adjust to the new situation. But any longer would have been too much strain in one go.

* * *

_'Hm, I wonder. I always listened to you as to not to aggravate you and keep my existence safe. Now that you're fighting against me either way, how much will it still matter if I do as I please?' In the weakened, isolated state I was currently in, Chrollo was well aware that he had more of a chance, he was merely taunting me._

_'I am weakening myself on purpose, if you don't actually try something, I will not learn how it feels when you take over. You're conflicted on teaching me something and grabbing the opportunity for yourself.' I opened my eyes to him, lifting my knees to lean my arms on it. By now all that I had strength left for was sitting up against the desk. Lack of food I can handle. However, dehydration was a dangerous boundary to search out, and if I have too many sleepless nights, I will not be able to learn anything from this._

_'Why would I take you over now? You're highly weakened.'_

_'You have no irrational instinct to make me eat or drink, then.'_

_'Why would I make you? I know you're not going to kill yourself in the end.' The stoic smile on his face lifted a little. It's too bothersome that he has access to my mind._

_'Even considering that, I know you're restraining yourself with an opportunity like this. Why are-' He shuffled closer to me, placing his legs on either side of me, and lifting his hands, raking my hair to the back completely, resting his hands on the back of my neck._

_'Do you want me to do this? Do you feel connection from this?'_

_'I don't.'_

_'The only way for me to satisfy that need, is to take over and connect with someone else, isn't it. So why am I not doing that right now? Because in the end,' He hovered too close to look at him, '…you will look for that need yourself and forget what you're doing this for. I want you to give yourself to me completely.'_

_He huffed in amusement before leaning in to kiss me, massaging my neck with his thumbs._

_But he wasn't taking over._

_'You're not exactly promoting your own existence. I am not letting it get to that point, we're still in the institution, and Hisoka will interfere.' He shuffled a little closer, and I lifted my legs over his to allow this proximity._

_'I'm not saying I will keep you forever, but I could do my job for you so much more effectively if you'd give me that control, I just want you to feel it yourself.' He took enough distance to look back at me, and let his hands glide down my torso to my waist. I know he's tempting me to take the easy way out._

_I raised an eyebrow when he hung his head,_

_'Mah, all that pretty talk aside, thank you and I'll be leaving now.' I grabbed his arm and dragged him back down when I suddenly noticed the change, but he was free in no time at all._ I'd let him take over without noticing. _'Or I don't know, I'm curious, does it make a difference if I myself hurt myself or you? Will I hurt my own existence if I hurt myself, or will you bleed?' Directly after his words, he got a small knife from his pocket, and made a small cut on the back of his arm, I felt the metal connect with my skin. 'Well, that's not exactly a question anymore, is it?' I ignored the wound in favor of standing back up._

_'I wonder, if I hurt you more now, will I gain extra control? It's so easy to just kill Killua right now. Your body might not be strong, but you have a strong sense of mind over matter. The way Killua is now, I won't have any trouble killing him off. Be glad, I'm taking the choice out of your hands.' Somehow I was able to bring myself to my feet, and took a couple of strides until I was as close as I could be. I let my hand glide up into his hair, his smug face an inch away from mine, and without batting an eye pulled him down to the ground full force. His head smacked painfully on the ground, and his knee twisted. The corner of my mouth twitched when I felt that pain as well, but I remained standing._

_I'd allowed a lot of things, but taking the choice out of my hand was not going to happen._

_Especially not a choice like this._

_'If you really believed to have had the strength, you would've just walked away.' When he wanted to sit back up, I kicked him back down against his head, smashing against the couch. I winced again, 'If you think I'm going to hold back just because I'm hurting my own body, you're sorely mistaken. You can either give my body back, or you can keep resisting until you notice I have no problems putting myself in the infirmary.' When he again wanted to sit up, I planted my foot against his chest, smacking him firmly against the ground._

_'What if I said the boy was already dead, that I took care of him while you thought you were sleeping a couple minutes ago?' I exuded some more pressure against his chest, ignoring the trickle of blood seeping through my lips. I think I may have overdone it this time, but the rib shouldn't be cracked._

_I can't do anything against it if he has done it though. I can't hurt him if Killua's gone without hurting myself. I won't be able to will him away if he's the only connection left._

_The danger rose in the room, but neither of us moved. It was a waiting game to see if Hisoka would contact me._ You have too much power.

* * *

'Oh but it is of my concern. Because you know you will be unable to break yourself from Killua's irresistible charms in the end. I mean, for someone hating being touched, you sure seemed to like being inside of him.' I sighed inside when I heard him changing the subject to his favorite one.

'Killua doesn't have any charm, he was merely there at a breaking point. It could've been anyone.' _Not entirely true._ Killua has a high level of empathy. 'The only reason I got excited was because he liked to hurt me, and he was good at taking instructions. I don't have the needs you have towards minors, Hisoka.'

'So there's not going to be a next time? What a shame. I was hoping for some more footage.'

'World-class psychologist, my ass. Shove it you perverted bastard.' At that point Killua stood up and flipped Hisoka off with those words before walking to the door. Neither Hisoka's nor Chrollo's laughing stopped him, just his own need to tell us off. He turned around, 'You know, there was a time where I actually thought you guys were intelligent. Is there something else wrong in your head? Should I fucking hit you to set it straight again?' Taking a strong stance, his eyes narrowed in anger as he pointed against the side of his head.

'I'd expected Hisoka to fucking play around, but I'm disappointed in you just playing along with it when it doesn't even matter. My mind is fucked up to the point where I see someone that doesn't exist, I still can't do what I want when I get out of here; basically things have only gotten worse, and I'm not fucking here to talk about something that's never going to happen again either way!' He was ready to pounce on anyone who'd claim otherwise. But,

'But it does matter.' I inclined my head. From the start he hadn't looked away from me. 'The kind of relationsh-'

'I can't believe I ever fucking cared, even though it was in captivity!' He will never stop interrupting me,

'You cared because you received my undivided attention, you never got that before.'

'But all I really got was your issue forcing you to give that attention, so fuck that.'

'Forced or not, the attention was real.'

'My, Illumi-kun, are you admitting your affections for Killua were real?' We both ignored Hisoka,

'So you're saying you're actually capable of showing affection? Why do I find this hard to believe.' He almost laughed when he said those words out loud,

'It's been kept alive inside of me in an extremely focused way. Chrollo has been dividing that attention over several persons. If I were to focus solely on you, you would get more attention than you want. So it _is_ important to find out what kind of relationship it will become.'

'But he wouldn't even have to give anything in return, would he?' This time I did react to Hisoka,

'That hasn't stopped the "affection" before.'

'Isn't that wonderful news, Killua-kun? That's what you wanted, isn't it.'

'No it's fucking not.' He pocketed his hands, and looked back between me and Chrollo, ultimately keeping his eyes on me. Feeling threatened by where this conversation was going, he was getting more and more dangerous even though he wasn't saying anything.

'How are you so calm about all of this all of sudden anyway? You were worse than me when you heard, how come I'm the only one sounding like he's bothered by it? _You_ giving affection? Give me a fucking break! You're not human, you're a fucking machine! You just heard a week ago that your mind was so weak that it fucking conjured up an imaginary friend that's slowly been taking over; for someone always so fucking goddamn in control over everything all the time, I would like to hear your goddamn miracle method to stay calm!' Along the sentence he'd started yelling. His hands were pocketed merely to hide their shaking, but his upper body had shown enough signs of being stressed out of his mind. If he's like that, we will never get Chrollo under control.

'I'm not calm.' He straightened his back again and gave me an incredulous look,

'Excuse you?!' I blinked at him. His anger was constantly shifting between the three of us, but towards me he mainly looked confused. I still did not appreciate his assumptions, especially because he should be able to notice the state I am currently in.

'Like you said, Chrollo is still trying to take over my mind at all times. I'm working hard to keep him from doing that. Seeing as you're feeding him with your need for contact while rejecting what's in front of you, that is not an easy task.' Slowly, the anger was dissipating, but a grudge remained. 'The last week I've been isolated and reasoned with Chrollo a lot. I've been trying to learn to identify the feeling for when he's trying to take over by starving, dehydrating, keeping awake and isolating myself. My body is in a state of survival, and I will have to be for another couple of weeks to come. Meanwhile, the only contact I will have throughout the week, will be these sessions that have been brought down to two hours again, and the remaining hour after will be spent by you and I alone. At that time we will work on making Chrollo leave as well. So no, I am not calm. I am in a state of extremely high focus, and I am only able to withstand this because of the training I've received for my job.' Killua took a couple of deep breaths when he let those words sink in. He's been focused on himself, he's refocusing as I speak,

'You are not the only one in the most unfavorable state he's ever been in, and logically it would be better to choose Chrollo over you. But even though there are indeed ways to kill off Zeno and Hisoka, these methods are too risky, and in the end I choose being able to do my job over everything else.' Both of them could have countermeasures planned in case of their deaths. Being who they are, I doubt that they don't,'So as to not take the risk, I chose contact with you. This means we'll need to have a certain amount of contact for the rest of our lives, or intensify it to the level where constant contact isn't needed anymore. I detest having real contact with anything, so you understand that I am neither calm, nor enjoying the situation.'

'I'm sorry.' He looked away when he saw I was surprised by his answer to this. He closed his eyes. Apparently my words had reached him more than I thought they would. The look in his eyes when they opened again, told me there were a lot of thoughts unsaid, but I didn't have the freedom to inquire about it any further. His shaking didn't stop though, and Chrollo commented,

'I could find more contact for you as well, if you'd like.'

'Goddamnit Chrollo, shut your goddamn trap! I am never ever going to goddamn choose you!' His head snapped back to the personality, 'At the least when I get out of here I will have two people who understand everything! I don't need a fucking third one who doesn't even exist, and doesn't care about understanding one goddamn bit!' I felt control becoming easier when Killua exclaimed all of this. His stance wavered for a couple of moments after his words though, and I didn't understand why until he turned his head back to me, and stepped my way resolutely. Pointedly ignoring Hisoka who was watching all of this unfold with great interest, he stood with his back turned to the redhead, looking down at me. I turned my eyes up to him, and saw him mouthing the words. He looked both angry and confused,

'If you're really capable of this affection, then let's just start right now. I want that asshole gone.' His heart rate increased, and his face turned red, not being able to look me in the eyes. His emotions are so close underneath the surface that my body rejected everything about him though. But he still kept notice of my lip movement when I responded a couple moments later, not moving from his spot,

'You really are desperate if you're bringing this up. Especially now with Hisoka in the room.'

'Well, it will keep Chrollo away better, won't it?'

'You just want to leave this place.'

'Don't you?' I can't deny that. But he was forcing himself too much at this point,

'If you don't actually feel this "affection" yourself, then it's no use to give or receive it. Perhaps later is a better time.'

'Please don't be so difficult about this, you want this to be over too, don't you? Don't make it harder on both of us.' I wasn't exactly waiting for this kind of contact, no. I want to keep everyone at bay. People don't matter, feelings don't matter, these only matter to others and I make my job of it to understand and exploit it. For now, I am merely aware what needs to be done, but my mind is protesting my body every step of the way, and that is a hard battle to fight alongside keeping Chrollo away. He's counting on it that it is.

'What do you want me to do about it right now?' He took a very deep breath, he was trying to find the place where he didn't object to any of this again. What's mostly holding him back right now, is probably his pride for asking anything now that he's not ten anymore. So I took the first step for him, and uncrossed my legs, making room for him to sit down there.

'Are you still in control, or am I going to sit in an empty chair?'

'I'm still in control.' _For as far as I aware of._ Still turned away from Hisoka, he sat down on my legs, and leaned back when I lay my arm around his waist. Laying my head on his shoulder, he turned away more when Hisoka started adjusting his chair.

'Well now, isn't this the most adorable picture I've ever seen in my life.' He cooed the words, and was purring in delight.

'You're not helping, Hisoka.' I spoke up annoyed, Killua was still incredibly tense. I don't know what he was expecting doing this already with the redhead still in the office.

'Oh, but I am, don't you think? I just needed to bring up one little subject to make you two realize something, and now you're already sitting together, I think I'm helping this along quite nicely.' In order to help this along a little more, I turned to place my head over Killua's other shoulder, away from Hisoka's sight, and whispered in his ear,

'Relax and don't push yourself. I'm still further away from the emotion, so it's easier for me to make physical contact.' Technically not a lie. Instinct and intellect were fighting, emotion was not yet part of any of this. I can understand Chrollo's confidence in surviving though.

But if we're going to do this, let's make it as efficient as possible so it will be over as quickly as possible. He took another deep breath, but the light shake that was still in his system wasn't going to go over any time soon.

Not in any of my calculations or predictions, had this scenario been a part of my future.

* * *

_Please just make it all go away, I don't understand anything anymore…_

* * *

'Gon, how are things down there?'

_'Killua? It's two in the morning, why are you calling me now?'_

'I… I just…' _I just needed to hear your voice._

 _'Are you crying? You never cry.' Well here's some shocking news for you then, 'What happened? You haven't called me since mom and Kito came here, I'm not good at guessing at this hour, Killua.'_ I heard him turn over on his stomach through the phone. Meanwhile, I sat in a dark corner of the sleeping room. Technically not being alone.

'I… I just wanted to ask how it's going down there.'

_'What're they doing to you?'_

'… …'

 _'I can't come up there, you can't come down here, so if you're not telling me then I—'_ I took a very deep breath to bring out the following words with an even voice.

'I'm just trying to survive, Gon.' I can't believe that in the end I've actually said it…

 _'… I don't know what I can do about that, Kil.'_ I took another deep breath,

'Tell me that we're gonna have fun again in the future.' Without hesitation he answered,

 _'Of course we are! As soon as we're both strong enough, we're gonna take a free year, right? After all that time, I think we'll deserve that.'_ After a short pause, he just continued. _'Call me anytime to talk about anything, but please not at two in the morning Killua.'_ I heard the desperate moan, and laughed a little through the tears I was holding back, laying my head on my knees,

'You should just learn to be alert at any time of the day, idiot.' He ignored my words,

_'You don't hate that Illumi guy anymore, right? And you have this Kurapika to talk to, I bet they care less about day or night than I do.'_

'Are you ditching me?' I half laughed again,

_'I'm ditching you for another five hours at least.'_

'Talk to you then.'

_'It's gonna be fine Kil. Don't worry so much about it.'_

'Thank you for the wise words, oh Gon the all-knowing.'

_'You're welcome, goodnight.'_

'Goodnight.' When I heard him disconnecting, I still didn't look up from my dark corner. I just let the phone slowly find its way to the floor, letting it glide out of my hand onto the ground. It's been a couple of days since the first session, and today was the first time that I'd come here. I lifted my head just enough to look at Illumi's sleeping form. I'd come here because being alone had suddenly become too much for me at two in the morning. I used to be able to take this.

I'd lived twelve years without anyone looking out for me, and I'd been fine. I'd lived twelve years with daily tortures, killing people, and I'd been fine. I'd lived twelve years with my future planned out for me, being in life or death situations, and I'd been fine. Then when I'm ten, I get care and such a traumatic experience that I become capable of seeing someone that's not there. And when I turn twelve I become friends with Gon, and suddenly I'm more than fine. Then that more than fine gets taken away, and suddenly it's impossible to return to just being fine. Suddenly, I can't get by anymore without someone holding my hand, and I feel like a crybaby compared to those first twelve years of my life. I should be happy that things are gonna be changing, but I really can't take it. I've always been trying to do it all on my own, but I can't do that anymore somehow.

Everything's changed.

And it's scary.

Ultimately I did stand up, and had to force myself to take the steps. Am I even allowed to-

\- I stopped doubting that when Illumi simply raised the covers for me. _It has to be equally hard and scary for you, why can't I have your willpower._

He didn't even say anything, or even opened his eyes when I still tentatively crawled under there with him. Illumi shuffled back a little, and I turned my back to him when he pulled the blanket over me again. _Just coping with it, right?_

I jolted a little when I felt his arm lay over my waist and I felt warmth against my back. I curled up some more and closed my eyes; shutting out Chrollo who'd been watching all of this unfold.

_I don't know who I am anymore…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am in an emotional state of mind, can you tell?
> 
> And can I just say that I never expected it to become this long? I had this random idea last september and I was all excited because I finally found an AU in which I could write IlluKillu sex without it being completely toxic. I never expected it to become this emotional xD  
> A lot of stuff happened that I didn't expect. Do not come to me about planning stories; I just have this thing where things that were unexpected for me kind of work out now and again, there's only so much that I actually plan xD (these characters have a life of their own, they're writing themselves more than I'm writing them) (Chrollo not existing has been the idea from day one though) (mehehe)
> 
> I mayhaps also be in an emotional state because this is the last part of the story. I do not claim to know how long this is gonna be, because all of my past attempts to guess have been null-and-voided xD


	50. Saturday 23rd - Rhapsody of life

About everything that had and has been discussed during sessions, was easier said than done. Never in my life had I voluntarily gone for contact with anyone. My body more or less had been forced into it. That I had to let go of my inhibitions to go back to a place where I didn't have the "freedom" Chrollo had given me, was also easier said than done. Each time Killua is near, I remember what I'd had to endure for my entire childhood, and it sets off aggression inside of me. Naturally Killua picks up on that, and keeps the emotional distance that I desire, but not what we need to get rid of Chrollo. What has been asked of us, to null-and-void something that has been building up our entire lives in a mere three to four month radius, is impossible. Being forced to build something like this up in that time span is even a chore with people who grow up in regular environments. We, who have been taught not to trust, not to depend, not to feel and not to connect, will not succeed under this pressure.

In the rare moments that I don't send off aggression towards Killua's approach, it doesn't feel unpleasant, but it's still cumbersome. So we have come to the consensus that we just work on keeping Chrollo from taking over anyone, and learn to ignore him in order to convince that he's gone. Seeing as Hisoka is convinced that I will not return to this figment of my imagination, he will not protest this method, and neither will Zeno. We will leave this place, I will train Killua and this way we will keep in contact. Meanwhile I am allowed to keep my Breaker job – if I wouldn't even with doing all of this, I would just jump back to using Chrollo; it's a mutual threat by now. I believe Kurapika will keep contact with Killua whenever he can as well.

All of this said, it's been an arduous task. Chrollo had been working harder to take over, and his arguments are not becoming less compelling. He's not leaving me alone. With the stagnation of progress with Killua, that has become quite annoying.

'Want me to help you get some rest?' With everything going on, I was spending all my nights at the institution. 'You're not getting any closer to Killua, are you? If Zeno and Hisoka are still the only things standing in the way, we can get rid of them, you know that. Don't you think that after three weeks of this it's becoming the better option?' But no matter where I was, Chrollo was clinging to me. 'With how intimate our contact now is, I'm sure we'd be able to come to some kind of consensus on how to share your body.' He'd kneeled down right next to my bed, and almost whispered the words to me from behind. 'Of course I know I'm only useful to make contact, but I wouldn't need more than a couple of hours a week for that. You give me a target, someone you find interesting, and I'll make sure they will offer their life to you. It's not hard, and I don't mind. So many people that just want to trust or love someone, just waiting for someone like me.' It's hard to make him stop talking without allowing myself to talk with him.

'Hmph. It's a shame that even though you take more risks than the usual Breaker, you're not able to take this one. With enough time, we could figure out both Hisoka's and Zeno's networks and eliminate them in a day, most probably. Although, perhaps they made sure that wouldn't be possible, you have a point there. But still, the main reason you're choosing this path is to try and get rid of both of us, and Killua's the only way to get rid of me. It's naïve to think I will ever disappear completely. If you get rid of both of us, it would be a constant struggle to keep me away for the rest of your life.' He reached out his hand and stroke some hair back behind my ear, letting his hand linger. I know he'll never be gone completely, but I'm good at compartmentalizing, and over time he will disappear into that dark corner of my mind that is invisible to the rest of me. 'That's to be my fate, is it? Eternity in solitude? You created me as someone who craves contact, it's the most cruel thing to do. If you're going to do this, then I'd almost advocate contact with Killua so my needs are still fulfilled. But of course I'm never letting Killua take over, nor put me away in that prison. It's unfortunate Killua is less fragile at this moment, else I would just bother him. But he still has Gon – even though I did my best to let him destroy that on his own – and somehow he's been able to connect to Kurapika, I hadn't expected him to still be able to do that. So even without you, he will be fine without me. I am here only to serve your needs, just allow me.' He was feeding off the part of me that wanted to allow him. He let his lips find my neck, and hovered just above the skin, 'I may be reminiscent of issues regarding your mother, but at least I'm your very own, unique creation.' I closed my eyes to will it away, but in the end didn't have to when Killua returned to the sleeping room and suddenly kicked him away. I sat up after that subtle entrance, but he gave it no more heed than necessary, and crawled back in bed next to me.

'Interacting with him will not drive him away.' I spoke up, but Killua didn't even open his eyes to answer, and stubbornly turned his back to me.

'He's been talking all night, I want to get some goddamn rest.'

'If we want him to stay silent, we need to become closer.' I heard him grunt at the answer, and he clasped the blanket tighter.

'Just… fucking lay down and go back to sleep, we'll deal with this in the morning.' He was trying not to attack me. But this wouldn't do. Even though he sleeps here now more often than not, it's not working.

'Turn back around.'

'No.'

'How did we sleep when we were locked up?' I threw my braid over my shoulder, pointedly ignoring Chrollo that had sat down on the bed behind me. I have to admit that his midnight ramblings are annoying – and well timed.

'Shut up.'

'Then turn around.' When after a couple of seconds he still didn't comply, I hooked my hand behind his waist, and rolled him over forcefully, keeping him facing me. He still didn't open his eyes though. 'Is it hostility from my side tonight, or is it reluctance from yours? Is it still difficult for you to receive affection, because if I can't give it, Chrollo will eventually do that for me.'

'I know.' I let go when I noticed he stopped silently struggling against my grip.

'What do I have to do to make you more comfortable.' Those were not words I uttered very often. And most certainly not since I've taken on this case.

'Shut up about it.'

'Ah-' I wanted to protest that – understanding is a big priority – but considering Killua's instincts are developing strongly, that might not even be a bad idea. 'Goodnight then.' He opened his eyes in surprise a second when I simply complied, and leaned down to kiss him above his ear before laying back down as well. I know all the gestures needed, but there's still a distinct lack of affection, and it needs to be solved.

After cringing a little when feeling that kiss, he closed his eyes again when I lay down facing him, pulling the blankets back over the both of us, and let one arm find its way around his waist. Reluctantly, he shuffled a bit closer for comfort,

'I can't wait until we're out of here...'

* * *

I know that they're doing their best to finish all of this as quickly as is humanly possible, but having a session every day, and the amount of stress on the contact with Illumi is not making things easier for me. I don't know or understand what I'm doing half the time, and the uncertainty is not sitting well with me.

I'm saying session every day, but that only applies to me, not to Illumi. Apparently I'm the key to fixing all of this, and I'm gonna have to be the one to take the initiative. _No pressure at all._

On top of that, even in the rare moments that I'm calm enough to approach Illumi, Illumi is mostly not. Although the physical aspect really doesn't seem to be a problem with him, I'm not getting any closer to him. Three weeks of futily pushing myself that I actually try and get closer, Illumi has only been distancing himself. If he could allow himself, he'd choose Chrollo at this point. If not for Zeno's influence, he'd now be working to gain another kind of control over Chrollo instead of making contact with me, wouldn't he. I used to be convinced he would never want to share his mind, but I'm not sure of anything anymore.

This all made perfectly clear when he'd kicked me out of the bed twice last night in his sleep, even after pulling me closer first. After the second time I just hit him on the head and yelled at him before kicking him out too. _Not_ my most mature moment, but god _damn_ had it annoyed me.

'Had a good night's rest?' Not even calling Gon once a week and being allowed to call Kurapika every day was helping me anymore. In the end it still boils down to me having to take care of it on my own. _Fucking dandy, I'll just get used to getting kicked out of bed then, or just kick him out of the fucking thing first._

'Has your eyesight deteriorated, because I think you were close enough to witness it all yourself.' I glared up at Hisoka in front of me, casually crossing his legs. My hands clasped together more tightly while I leaned forward, putting my elbows on my knees. Unfortunately, it's not been an uncommon recurrence since it first happened, and crawling in bed with Illumi happens more often than not now. I feel weak, I feel dependent, I feel defeated, and somewhere I agree with Illumi that it's easier to live without having to depend on anyone. _That's not helping the situation either._ But in the end, it does feel good to be supported, and that conflicting feeling is slowly tearing me apart.

'Well, you look sleep deprived, so I was still wondering. What happens when I'm not looking?' I rolled my eyes at him when he made the obvious joke. _Sometimes I really doubt you're even that good of a psychologist, and sometimes you suddenly say something that makes so much sense, I can't keep up._

'It's impossible to come close. Even if I _wanted_ to do all of this, I'm not getting anywhere near him.' Luckily Chrollo's not gaining ground because of it – I'm learning to sense him there as well. 'In the rare moments I don't actually care about any of it, when I get within ten feet he bites my goddamn hand off. Five years is not nearly enough to take care of all of this.' His grin widened, and I sighed deeply. _Fine, what do you see now, what kind of jokes are you gonna make._

'It will be hard for Illumi to accept your kindness if you don't show it.' I took a silent breath in reaction.

'Well, it's hard for me to show if he doesn't accept, so we have a nice vicious circle here.' I circled my finger a second in gesture. Having daily sessions with Hisoka was not making me less grumpy, and I noticed I wanted to growl at him before he continued,

'How was your relationship with Gon when you came here?' I narrowed my eyes at him, the normal question seemingly coming out of nowhere. For a couple of moments I deliberated the possibility of Hisoka explaining it to me, but his eyes told me he wasn't going to do that, so I closed my eyes and sighed the answer.

'… He was my only friend, he accepted me without question but I never understood why. He was basically all I had.' In light of moving this along, I gave the most honest answer I could to this pervert, keeping note of Hisoka's reactions even though he was too good in hiding them. _I'll never learn to counter it if I don't at least observe,_

'How is it now?' _Are we having a rare, actual normal conversation right now? How does this relate to my issue? What are you playing at..?_

'He's as desperate for a friend as I am, makes it feel more equal, it gives me some more freedom.'

'How was the relationship with your parents?'

'Where is this going?' When he didn't show signs of answering, I did for his question. His expression and voice stayed steady, 'Complete obedience, then volatile when Gon appeared, but no intention of defying them completely. Right now I am.' _I can't believe I used to follow them without question, I've been an idiot for so long._

'I'm proud that contact with Illumi has brought you to realize this.' Was he… purring? You're not a cat, stop doing that, it's creeping me out,

'How will any of this help me break that vicious circle?' He shifted to lean back in the chair completely, his eyes narrowing,

'When you just made contact with Kurapika, there was only suspicion, and now there's this budding friendship out of understanding each other's situation. When you came here, all you wanted to do to Illumi was ruin everything he was, and now you're accepting that the time in captivity happened and accepting what he's going through. You also did not particularly like Machi, but in the end you stuck up for her against Chrollo. You used to keep a safe distance of ten feet at all times from me, and now you're half entrusting me with your mind.' _Not something I'm doing voluntarily, you creep,_ 'All of your relationships have changed, but you still believe _you_ haven't and it's all of us? Look how far you've come already in the small amount of time you've been here, and you don't think you can make it in five years? I think one year is enough.' …I hate it when he has a point, even when that point is favorable for me,

'You looked up to others like they were gods, like they were some kind of unobtainable goal that you desperately needed to serve. You're now defying your gods, you see theirs and your flaws, and you're ready to surpass them if needed. The ability to do so is slowly manifesting itself.' He took a moment of silence to let this sink in with me, but I think I'll need more than a second. This much has changed since I came here? 'You _are_ a very egocentric person, you've become one in order for your ego to survive – which is a feat in your world, and you should be proud of that.' _Woohoo,_ 'On top of that, while you were here, you've been able to give that egocentrism a place that has left you room to pay attention to others without losing yourself in it. You also notice the attention given to you, and you seem to like this process. How is all of what I just said not part of finding out what you like to do and who you are? Because that's what you're worried about, aren't you, that you have to sacrifice endless years with Illumi, that you won't come closer to your goal in all that time? Do you still think this to be true after what I just said?'

'… …' I was too flabbergasted that Hisoka was actually helping to be able to answer, so I just squinted at him,

'If you're wondering why I'm saying all of this, so suddenly helping you, it's very simple.' I sighed the words when I realized a second later,

'… You like me and Gon more than Chrollo.' He chuckled when he noticed my face dropped when I remembered he indeed liked Gon more than I'm comfortable with. _Damnit Gon, learn to recognize danger._

'Correct. It just would be such a waste if a simple issue such as you thinking you're unable to change would spoil the results. Illumi-kun won't change that easily though. He has a very fragile ego, and he will not risk contact with others. Somewhere he has interest to change, to break away from what his mother made him, you will need to speak to that need inside of him.' _Practical advice from you? What has put you in this good mood?_ No, wait, I don't want to know, forget I ever asked. I shook my head a little to get back on topic immediately before Hisoka's mood would change again,

'I just need to be different than his mother?'

'Your contact will have to stem from mutual beneficence. Being used is something he's experienced enough, and using others is what he already constantly does as a Breaker.'

'That's a fucking fragile balance to maintain.'

'But the end result is so worth it, isn't it. Not only Chrollo will disappear, it will give you the room to keep contact with Kurapika, and you will become physically so much stronger. Plus the most important thing is that you'll learn so much about contact. All of that combined will make you so much more dangerous as an Assassin than "Chrollo". Your information network will be formidable, I can't wait.' He was, he actually was purring, and I sighed deeply that he was. No matter how much everything changes, feeling comfortable around Hisoka would need a million lifetimes to develop – and even then it's too dangerous.

But I can't denounce what he's saying. I will always keep a lookout to this psycho's words, but I can see where he's coming from. If Illumi's ego is fragile or not, I don't really care; what Hisoka's right about, is that that fragile balance _will_ have to come into existence. How in the living hell am I supposed to do that though. Do I just need to talk back to Illumi when he's using me too much? Do I need to offer more of myself when he's in that sacrificial mode? Make a stand for myself when he does? It doesn't actually take away all of this uncertainty, it just replaces it with other insecurities.

I sighed and ruffled through my hair, lost in these thoughts and feelings.

'How come someone as solitary as you is so steady on his feet?' _On a list of things that don't make sense about him…_ How are any purebred Assassins though. Are they just like Illumi but without being schizo?

'You actually worry about support, I don't.' I squinted at him when it was all the explanation I got,

'Are you saying you have support?' He let out a deep throated laugh when I said that. Can't really blame him for that one.

'I'm saying that I don't place importance on either having or not having it.' _Wait, I'm getting an answer? You had sex with Illumi again didn't you, I left early so you might..._ I made sure to quickly stop thinking about it. 'When I feel like it, I have a connection just like that.' He snapped his fingers, keeping his hand raised. 'When I don't feel like it anymore, I can get rid of that just like that as well.' Snapping his fingers again, 'I'm not threatened either way. If things don't go my way, I just move on to the next thing I like to do. It's very liberating, but it's not going to be your life.' _Of course not, I actually_ care _about who I leave behind,_ 'Understanding who you are will always be threatening to anyone though. You've experienced your true face; these solitary sessions are to make sure you can reach that again. I think you will like its effect on people that are not able to reach it.' He started twirling his pen in between his fingers. _What game are you playing right now?_ His eyes narrowed at me when he noticed the question burning on my lips. But I asked a different one,

'I've seen Illumi's and Chrollo's, what's your true face?' He laughed again, closing his eyes for a second to answer me,

'My dear boy, you do not have the qualifications to bring me to the point where I show that.' _Screw you,_ 'And even if you did, I don't think you'd appreciate it. Despite that, I am quite jealous of you having seen Chrollo's true face. According to Illumi it was the face of a purebred killer, and I feel bad about having missed that.'

'No you don't.' He shrugged it off. You are incredibly generous. You want me to know that you have a new plan in the making, and we're a big part of it, aren't we. He must feel free enough because I'm going to become an individual assassin too. He's gonna be following us around just to provoke us. _Great, that's gonna be fun._

'Ne, how much stronger do you think Illumi will become once he's included Chrollo's fighting style? Think of how much you could learn from that as well. I'm quite looking forward to it, actually.' We're some kind of long-term project for him; while waiting for all of us to grow stronger, he'll amuse himself with pushing us.

'You're always playing with us, aren't you.'

'Naturally. You're my main toys right now, and I'm happy to challenge either of you when you feel like it.'

'Ha! As if you're gonna give us the choice of fighting you.' He started purring again, hearing those words, bringing his fingers to his mouth, staring at me intently,

When his eyes widened a second in interest, I let out a sigh. This was about everything I was gonna get out of him today. More than I expected though, he must be _extremely_ pleased with himself.

'Either way, I have to neither demand nor give unconditionally, right?' He gave a light nod. _How about I make myself scarce, and you take care of that excitement for a second?_ I looked away when he uncrossed his legs to give himself more room. _You goddamn shameless pervert._

'Naturally, I'll let you fill in the how yourself. I'll say beforehand that sex is not something Illumi is bothered with, nor does he relate this to his mother. He has little problem and places little value on physical intimacy, so it would mostly be a service to you. If you're looking for actions that will tip the scale away of Illumi becoming too subservi-'

'If I say I don't particularly care either way, will you fucking take care of yourself before we continue?!' I didn't look back at him, and suppressed my face becoming too red when I raised my voice to him.

'But do you mean it? Else I'm not going anywhere.' _You… Of course I don't fucking mean it! There's no fucking reason anymore for me to do this even if- so no! Of course I'm not!_ 'It looks like I'm gonna stay right here. Or you could take care of it. I noticed you had quite a knack for it.' I closed my eyes even more tightly, taking a deep, _deep_ breath not to start mutilating him,

'Fine!' I should've expected that the actual advice and information wouldn't last the whole session – not with this pervert in the room. When I said the word, there was a short moment of surprise on his face, but all I did was look him back in the eyes, pointedly ignoring the rest of him. His mouth curled back up in a light smile, and a small moan exited his lips, gauging my reaction.

'If you keep going on like this, I might have to take care of it here.' _Fine. Try me. See if I care._ 'So many realizations, so much potential has surfaced, I can't wait for it to develop.' _So long as it is within that year you mentioned, I think l might be able to manage._

* * *

'Throughout your stay here, you've developed a bad sense of following appointments.' I commented when the next day after session with Hisoka, Killua entered my office again after a short knock. Chrollo was leaned over me, watching me work, and looked up at the boy. I could feel his hostility and need to take over rise immediately.

'I'm sorry.' Killua was calmer than he was last night though. After once another hostile encounter, I didn't think he'd calm down after talking with Hisoka. The redhead has a plan for us in the outside world, else he wouldn't bother to help this much and just keep us here indefinitely.

'…You're not apologizing for your constant neglect to abide by time.' I finally looked up at him when he reached my desk. Hisoka really seems to have made a difference today. Chrollo straightened his back behind me, but didn't remove his hand from my shoulder.

'No I'm not.' But Killua was not giving him any attention this time.

'Then what are you apologizing for, what has Hisoka said to you.' He's still processing the session, but he chose to come here at a point where the feeling of change was still fresh and not ebbed away into his long-term system. He has learned a lot while being here – whether he's acting on instinct or knowledge, it doesn't matter.

'I'm sorry I almost bailed out when it was the only option.' He didn't look away,

'It's a tough and long process, I did not expect it to be easy, even though it's the only option.' Killua's un-forced calmness was not triggering any kind of aggression, this was a good moment for him. Considering how anxious he's been all this time, it will most probably end for him when he sets foot outside the door again though.

'Then maybe if from now I'll stop doubting it, if you stop wanting to bite my head off each time I come close.' I blinked at him.

'That is also a long process. Not in the last place because it is unclear what kind of relationship this is supposed to become. If that was clear, it would be easier.' Up until now we have not paid attention to the kind of affection, because we all thought it would become clear on its own. However, seeing as I "want to bite his head off" every time he tries to approach me, this method is not going to work.

'You're saying you want to focus on what it is first?'

'If it's too much for you alone to bear to just find out along the way, then I suggest we do.' We will never get rid of Chrollo continuing on like this, are we. Killua's calmness has been keeping him away from this conversation, by the way. It's the effect we've actually been working for.

'How are you planning to do this?'

'There's a whole list of possible relationships. I suggest we go through them from most to least likely.' As soon as we find the one where Killua is like this, we will stick to that.

'If it's the best way, fine. As long as I don't need to have sex with you again.' That last part just seemed to slip out unintentionally. Hisoka most probably mentioned the act again. It would surprise me if he wouldn't.

'Ah, but you didn't seem to object to the act itself, only the aftermath.' He took a very deep breath, trying to his aggressive tendencies to himself. I heard Chrollo laugh behind me though,

'We'll cross that bridge when we get there, but I'm not continuing it anyway, it's just messed up.' Now he did look away.

'Because of our ages? There's little other reason. Any other reason you might have applies to any kind of relationship we might develop.'

'Because of everything!'

'It is high on the list of possibilities though. Would you prefer to start there to "get it over with"?' I cocked my head, looking at Killua processing this. It took him a while to decide. With all that's happened, he can't deny that it's not on the list of possibilities, and he's trying to accept that at this moment. He looked away to his right, a little lost in thought. 'Each type of relationship on the list will be tried for one week until there's one you're comfortable with.'

'That _I'm_ comfortable with?' His eyes stayed focused on infinity.

'As long as you're comfortable with it, I will feel less inclined to "bite your head off." I have a preference for no relationship at all, focusing on me is futile.' I saw he agreed to that one. He slowly pocketed his hands.

'Fine, let's just get this one out of the way, else I'm just gonna be anxious for it happening, and that helps about no-one.'

'You've matured.'

'I've been brought up to do what is necessary, how is this any different?' He turned his head back to me,

'You better understand the consequences of your actions, but you still remain calm. Before you met Gon, when your parents gave you an order, how was it then.' I saw that he understood what I meant. At that time, he was unaware of choice and consequence; following orders does not equal understanding the situation and taking action. Not to mention that choice wasn't something he ever had. He'll have to learn to deal with that as well.

He took a deep breath,

'Alright, you make the list, tell me when we're starting this.' He _has_ come a long way.

'The moment anything on the list will work, there will be increased pressure from my side.'

'That's fine. You'll never be the boss over me anyway.' He raised his voice. He has no idea yet of what's going to happen, but he walked out of the office convinced of his actions.

'He will crack under the attention your mother always demanded of you.' He will. This one time I decided to speak up against Chrollo.

'He will survive, I don't care beyond that.' Realizing that if I'd verbally reacted, I might as well physically remove Chrollo, and I planted my elbow in his stomach to make him back off. Right now, Killua is still a tool to me, but he does not lay himself down to it. His own will is growing. This way, it will only be a matter of time until all of this is settled.


	51. Epilogue

_'I'll be training with you after school every day, right?'_

_'It will heavily impede my job, make sure you're ready for it.'_

_'It's a little different from the kind of relationship we stuck to though, will that be alright?'_

_'If needed, there will be side activities, it's calculated into the training time.'_

* * *

'… …' Is this really happening? Am I gonna step out of this place permanently in an hour? 'I'd like to say Hisoka's gonna be lonely from now on, but he's gonna stalk us everywhere, won't he.' Illumi nodded, 'This is crazy.'

'Less so than five months ago.' Even though I wasn't up for title of the youngest anymore, if I could make the 100th kill an exceptional one, I'd still get the reputation. On top of that, I'm gonna get trained by a Breaker, someone that my family accepts. Building that reputation should be no problem at all. The fact that going out there also gives me a breather from this weird ass "relationship" we've been using here to take control away from Chrollo, is a good feeling. Though I can't wholeheartedly say I hate Illumi anymore, he hadn't exactly exaggerated when he said being the focal point of his attention was going to be tough.

Case in point, I am currently being held hostage in this bed, while the alarm had already sounded. Normally I'd glare into nothingness and then try to futily kick him away, but today I was actually too anxious. For months I'd been looking forward and dreading this moment. I can't deny that staying here probably has more plus points than getting back out there. But like I was so beautifully told: "Staying here means retaining status quo, and that will never be satisfying." I can't believe it's been more than seven months since I last killed someone. Oh man, I don't want to think about how I was seven months ago, it's fucking embarrassing. I was blaming goddamn everything.

Well, I'm _still_ blaming everything, but I understand why now, and I'm doing something about all of it.

So fucking mature of me.

'My parents will be arriving in one hour, I need to get up.'

'… …' Yeah, Illumi did a fucking great job at accepting that this was needed. A little too good a job. If it was up to him, I'd be under 24h surveillance by him. If I were, he'd probably go kill my parents for treating me badly though. I sighed when that thought passed through me. _I am perfectly fine with the choice having fallen on this kind of relationship by now, but this is just goddamn impossible._

He let go eventually though. He breathed in my scent one last time before loosening the grip of his arm. I threw my legs off the bed and sat up on the side, looking back at him with his eyes still closed. This is nothing less than messed up, but somehow it makes sense in my messed up life, doesn't it.

'Don't wait too long yourself, you're supposed to hand me over.' An arm wrapped around my waist again immediately. 'That's not handing me over, you idiot.' I rubbed my eyes with both hands, and exhaled deeply. 'I've survived your training for months, I think I will survive getting dressed.' When he let go, he sat up as well, and I moved away from him.

He's far from okay, he's been pushing against more years of indoctrination than I have. I saw him rake his hair to the back, revealing the lack of sleep in his face. Being far from okay does not make him physically weaker though – on the contrary – it just takes less for him to snap if something doesn't go his way. Seeing as I'm constantly forced to maintain a fragile fucking balance, I have to backtalk a lot. Don't misunderstand, I absolutely _love_ doing that, but it's made my training a little more intense than I bargained for.

_Yeah, no, I don't think making the 100th kill exceptional will be a fucking problem._

I'm just imagining having to deal with all those obnoxious people at school again, avoiding me. I don't think being picked up by Illumi every day is gonna help that much… Bisque is gonna be my only contact, isn't she.

I rubbed my eyes again seeing those scenarios in front of me, and picked up my clothes from the floor.

'I will stitch your leg before we leave.'

'Nah, it's alright. It's not that deep a wound.'

'… Then I'll get ready as well.' I looked around when I saw him walking out the room with his clothes in his hands, and sighed exasperated.

'Will I even physically goddamn survive the next year?' _Well, now there's more of a chance than before coming here, isn't there._ Thank god for Kurapika willing to keep contact.

* * *

'I'm gonna miss you so much.' I passed Hisoka on the way out of the showers, and he started following me.

'You're going to use your resources to find out our alternating training locations, and you will deliver subjects to me for free again within the week. The only thing you will miss is what you've been missing ever since I don't trigger anymore, and I'm not going to have sex with you again as soon as I'm out of here.'

'Oh well, sometimes predictability can't hurt.' He didn't stop following me all the way to my office. Killua would be picked up by his parents, I would leave later this week when paperwork is done. Everything leading up to this point has been troublesome. I've been working to get back to being a Breaker as soon as I'd found a way to gain control over my triggers, this is not exactly what I thought would happen.

It took almost two months before I had my body convinced that Killua was not the same entity that had me trapped for seventeen years. Up until then, training sessions had not gone without consequence, and Hisoka had to supervise. It wasn't that I mentally lost control, but Killua's boundaries would just stop existing to me. I believe I _have_ bitten him on more than one occasion though. Those impulses disappeared as soon as I could accept him denying orders now and again. I still want him to just be my puppet – he's going to be a formidable Assassin – but that won't sustain the conditions needed to keep Chrollo at bay. Perhaps I won't even need to kill Killua in the end, if this protectiveness I now feel will keep dissipating over the next couple of months, as it has shown signs of these last couple of weeks - I will not have to take the risk of eliminating the Zoldyck family if that's the case.

'You look like you want to say something, please just say it.' I disappeared behind my desk as Hisoka let himself fall back leisurely on the couch. For Killua, the paperwork had already been done, this was just preparing my own until it was time for the boy to leave.

'I think Chrollo will like the absence of the boy, don't you.' I didn't even look back up at him,

'We have successfully kept him silent for a week. The absence of Killua for five days will not have a significant impact, because there's the guarantee I will meet him again. And you are not going to substitute the physical closeness, that is useless.' I put the found papers down on my desk, and started up the computer,

'You don't think I'm not going to try, do you.'

'Even if I didn't know you, the tone of your voice says enough.' After a short laugh, he responded,

'Oh, but how I'd love to be bitten by you too. Such a lucky boy Killua is.'

'He does not seem to share your opinion on that.' The couple of times that he had to go to the infirmary again, he'd been treated by Pakunoda. Although he liked her treatments more, he did wonder about Machi. She's probably not going anywhere for a while. It seems harder on her than Killua to let the image of Chrollo go. Considering her infatuation, that was not strange.

I closed my eyes a second longer when remembering the images Hisoka had shown me again after the presence of Chrollo had slightly stabilized. A lot of people's reactions that had gone unnoticed before because Chrollo made me blind to them, made sense.

'How well were you able to let go of him this morning?'

'We are not in session and I'm not your patient anymore, there is no need for you to know.' I finally looked back at him from the corner of my eyes when I heard him stand up.

'You and the boy are so alike, I just love that all of this has happened.'

'No-one shares that opinion.' Literally no-one. Hisoka was the only one who loved the entire situation; from Kurapika being ensnared up until me now getting close to Killua. I gave a second of attention more when he stopped on the other side of my desk. He reached his hand out to my face, but stopped when I slightly narrowed my eyes at him. Fortunately for him, he detected the danger before it would result in a broken wrist. He raised both hands in apology. No matter what's happening with Killua, I still do not appreciate being touched.

'Perhaps, someday you will give me the chance.'

'Not likely.'

'You sound so sure, but you already tolerate me so much more than others.' Hisoka could be a dangerous presence because he knows exactly how to intertwine with someone's life; however, he doesn't exactly stand a chance against the developments with Killua.

'You deliver free, valuable subjects to me. On top of that, because of personal gain you do not intend to destroy me. I've learned to identify this, in case it should ever stop being the case.'

'How sweet of you to say that you feel more comfortable around me just because I don't want to destroy you. Almost makes me want to repeat our time together before you became a psychologist here.' In the end, he couldn't resist. He leaned his hands down on the desk to close in on me, but I grabbed him by the throat and kept him at arm's length before he could do anything. That time together – that I now remember – had been the basis on which I started tolerating his presence. I was not allowing him to reminisce on this in any way.

'You have an odd definition of sweet.' Attention turned completely to Killua when he entered after a short knock on the open door though.

'Chrollo still quiet?'

'He'll probably speak up while you're gone, but that won't last long.' I let go of Hisoka after a couple of seconds,

'Is there a chance he'll follow me?' Killua took a couple of steps into the room, ignoring Chrollo standing behind me. I nodded, 'Great, that'll be so much fun.'

'It will still take years, at least for me, to make him visually disappear, I suggest you get used to it.' After printing out some additional papers, I turned off the screen and walked back around the desk, 'You won't be able to talk to Gon for a couple of years, are you going to call him again?' I stopped in front of him. He's grown since he came here, in the literal sense, so I wasn't able to look down on him as much as I used to.

'Nah, I explained everything yesterday. Calling again today would be overkill.' He raised his hands casually behind his head when looking back up at me. I'd heard he also warned Gon to stay away from Hisoka, that had been a wise choice.

'Then we'll just wait for your parents to arrive.'

'Oh, have you heard this, by the way…' We turned our attention to Hisoka when he decided to interrupt. '…Our traumatized blonde has decided to follow in the footsteps of "Chrollo" to temporarily earn his living.'

'Kurapika's teaching?' Killua inclined his head asking the question. This _was_ peculiar. After everything that had transpired with my alternate identity, I wouldn't have thought Kurapika would pick up teaching as his profession; even though he most probably has a knack for it.

'And not just at any school.'

'… But I won't be in middle school anymore for longer than a year.' Killua lowered his hands again before Hisoka answered,

'You're going straight to high school, my dear Killua-kun. Illumi hasn't mentioned this?' The gleam in his eyes was increasing again. 'You will be summer-schooled for everything you've missed, after that it's bye-bye to your old school.'

'I think I would've appreciated hearing this sooner.' He turned back to me with an angry look, but I dismissed it.

'It was inconsequential. Nothing in our situation changes because of it.' He squinted his eyes further at me. Whatever Hisoka's planning on doing when we're out of here, it is something that once more will take time. He hasn't looked this satisfied since he got to tell me about Chrollo.

'Either way, let's just go and wait for my parents to arrive.'

'Go on ahead, I'll be there in a minute.' Giving me a grumpy look before turning around on his heel, he slammed the door closed behind him for the last time. 'Why did you actually search out contact, Hisoka.' I didn't turn around to him,

'Well first of all let me give you the good news that Zeno has taken up your offer of shielding Killua if he ever messes up again – but if that happens, he will have to stay here indefinitely.' That was a better outcome than I had expected. I turned my head when I heard him being unable to keep a small laugh to himself,

'I can still take you out from this distance, what is the amusement for this time?' Hisoka raised his hand to his mouth to stop his laugh before answering. How many plans do you actually already have laid out? The more intricate the web though, the more easily he can get caught up in it – I will use that against him,

'Nothing much. First of all, are you still sure you do not want the contents of what Chrollo hid from you?'

'You can stop asking, I am not interested and neither is Killua. Chrollo's existence has to be erased, anything belonging to him will just stand in the way.' I don't know why he's so insistent on it, but I'm standing by what I just said.

'One other thing then… Just a general warning to keep a good eye on Killua – Feitan may be eligible to leave here one of these days.' _That means you're planning on giving him the all-clear within months._ That's the first step of your plan? Zeno will not allow it before he's stable enough. But if Hisoka's this confident, he already knows how to get Feitan back in the world.

'Good to know.' After my reply, I made perfectly clear that I wanted him out of my office, and this time he complied.

'He may not have a grudge against Killua-kun specifically, but I think we both know he'll become a target.'

'I may have been a patient all this time, that does not mean I know nothing of the others here, Hisoka.' I still do not know why Silva said Feitan was better off here, though. That doesn't sit well with me.

Hisoka turned the corner without looking back. His words are not going to do my protectiveness good the next couple of days, but I'll manage. I will not accept his alternatives.

I left the office myself a couple seconds later, following Killua. I will tangle the redhead in his own web before he can do anything of consequence, he will not get the opportunity to sabotage Killua or me anymore.

* * *

Next to not being able to believe I will actually have Kurapika as teacher starting from September, I have this feeling I will have to get used to "freedom" again.

I closed my eyes and let out a small breath. I'll have to keep the goal clear in my mind. As long as I believe things will turn out somewhat fine for me, I can do this.

As soon as I sighed though, I felt Illumi's hand on the top of my head. I laughed a little. His timing is improving, but it's still awkward.

'Be glad my parents like you.' If they didn't, then all of what we're doing would be nigh impossible.

'Apparently, you do too.' I hate to say that Hisoka was right.

No, you don't understand.

There's absolutely _nothing_ I hate to say more than that Hisoka was right.

But I really don't hate Illumi anymore, do I. That has also contributed greatly at keeping Chrollo quiet, by the way.

Doesn't mean that I'm best buds with the guy now though. But it's doable.

'Training will start up again in five days, right?' He gave a confirmation, and when I let out another breath, his hand relocated to my shoulder. He leaned down to kiss me on the top of my head, before stepping away. He walked on ahead of me.

In half a year to a year's time, Gon and his family will be allowed out again under protection, and in less than an hour I will return to a known world that will never be the same again.

For the first time though, I think I'm okay with the change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM AN EMOTIONAL PERSON AND I'M GONNA MISS THIS STORY.  
> This world is so ingrained into my being that I still see sooooooo many possibilities though and I doubt this is the last I'll ever write of this world <3  
> Hope you enjoyed, I love you all \o/


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